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Giving In

Every once in a while I give in and feel a little sorry for myself. I’m excited about retiring, going to school, and having many other positives in my life. But, I still want that other life back! It probably wasn’t as perfect as I make it out to be. I know I wasn’t blissfully happy every minute of every day, but I was comfortable, secure and loved. It’s hard stepping out of my comfort zone.

In my last post I mentioned my little recurring film clip. There are also places that trigger memories. There is a spot on Fowler, just South of Gettysburg, where Patrick’s bus broke down on the way home from the shop. The mechanic came and towed it back in. I picked Patrick up from that spot and every time I drive by I picture him standing there. I’ve picked him up by the side of the road many times over the years. I wasn’t sure why this one stood out and then I remembered that it happened on Monday and he died on Wednesday. So it’s one of my last memories. I’m sure he got in the car, leaned over to give me a kiss, and said, “Thanks Babe!” I actually gave him several rides that week and that was unusual so it’s a blessing that I had that extra time with him. I wish I could remember every bit of every conversation. I don’t think we talked about anything profound. That night we probably talked about the soccer awards dinner we were heading to. Sometimes it’s the little mundane things that I miss the most.

When I drive down Shaw, past Sunnyside, I imagine his bus parked in his usual spot at the old SJVR office next to BCs Pizza. How many times did I stop there on my way to work to drop off the phone he had forgotten at home? Sometimes I would stop there to pick him up on the way to a sporting event. It was always nicer to ride together.

His memory is everywhere but as time goes by I feel that I’ve lost some of my memories. He always had a better memory than I did and I think of questions I want to ask him every day. My current class is a little more scientific than the others and I would love it if I could ask him to explain some concepts to me. I’m not even sure if he ever studied neurotransmission but he could probably read a blurb in a textbook and make it easier for me to grasp.

When I have bad days or any kind of disappointment really, I always wish for that life. I’m not sure if it’s normal but anything negative in my life now turns into part of my grief. Something completely unrelated will happen and next thing I know, I’m at the cemetery, or driving down Shaw, to pass “the spot” and let out my pain.

My grief is probably more private now. I have to keep my shields up so I can function but I am also a little grateful when something upsets me because I know that I need that regular release that I get when I let go and feel.

I really don’t want to post this because it seems dark and sad and that is not how my life is. This is just part of the process. Letting the feelings out. Dealing with them. I really don’t think I will ever be 100% pain free again. I will always miss him. But, I will continue to embrace life and enjoy the years I have left! I know he would want me to.

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The Red Shirt

Have you ever watched a movie where someone has a kind of film loop running through their head? It’s a real thing. Mine is Patrick, riding his bike, with a long sleeve red shirt and the baggy bike shorts I bought him for Christmas (with hidden padding so no one thought he was too serious about riding). He has an intense look on his face because that’s how he was when he was out riding. He viewed fitness as an obligation and he usually looked serious when he was working out, I think he might have liked it a little but he probably would argue with that.

I guess you will probably think it’s sad that I have these images of how he would have looked right before it happened? And I guess maybe it IS a little sad but I’m so used to it now. And yes, sometimes I let the film go forward a little and imagine what happened. I try not to do that too much because it is harder but it’s odd how much little details matter.

The day after his funeral, Mom and Pop (his parents), picked us up to drive to Porterville for Zio Angelo’s funeral. I sat in the back with the girls on either side of me. We needed to go to be with everyone and I was actually relieved that we didn’t have to be the focus anymore. While we were driving, Mom gave me a card she had been carrying around for Patrick and I. He had recently helped them put in a new mailbox and I had done their taxes. The card was to thank us and it included a gift card for dinner. She had been carrying it around since before he died. I knew that she needed to give it to me but I think it was really hard for both of us. I choked up a little but vowed to keep it together for the girls.

Then my phone rang. It was the funeral home, calling to tell me they had a few personal effects, the clothing he was wearing that day. They thought I might want it thrown out. I had been trying to determine what he was wearing. I can’t tell you why this was important but it just was. I thought it was the red shirt with black on the sleeves but I just wasn’t sure. I tried to ask without anyone in the car realizing what I was asking. I’m not sure how I did it but they confirmed it was the shirt. I told them that someone would pick the items up. I got off the phone and struggled to hold it together. I spoke to a Patrick in my head and begged him to help me hold it together and I really think he did.

We got to the church and the rosary was first. This was good because I bowed my head as if praying and just sobbed. I think the girls were sitting by their cousins and I had the teNyenhuis sisters-in-love with me and they just surrounded me. After the rosary there was a brief viewing/visitation and during this time I moved and sat away from the girls. I knew their aunts would be with them and I just needed to be away, just for a bit. I sat with Elisa, Marissa and Livia (Prandini cousins) and I think I actually stopped crying but it was nice to feel like I didn’t have to hold it together.

That great big beautiful family got me through that day. I love them all so much!

My sister picked up the clothing and it is packed away somewhere. Probably it should have been thrown out but I just couldn’t do it yet.

So I still have that little video playing. I know there are treatments for PTSD type things but I don’t think I really need it for this. It’s not constant and it’s not horrific. It’s just him, riding. I still can’t believe this happened. Over time it has gotten easier. I don’t cry very much, but it is still shocking every time I am reminded that he is gone. And I still wonder about the little details. I can’t help it. I don’t need to know them but maybe if I did it would be different and I wouldn’t wonder so much? So hard to know. Sixteen months later and I promise it is easier and I am mostly happy. When I write down these painful memories I feel like I am releasing them a bit. Thank you for helping with that.

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Village of Support

My mind didn’t let me believe it right away. My heart knew that Patrick was gone but I also knew that I was going to have to wait for confirmation. As the shock settled in, the first thing I thought was, “My house is a mess!” I realize that people don’t care about these things at times like this but I knew, without a doubt, that a lot of people would be in my house that day.

When you are born into the Hatch, Boyles, Prandini or teNyenhuis families, you know that family is everything. I am so lucky and blessed that ALL of our extended families are pretty similar when it comes to caring about each other. Family is extremely important. And “family” is a loose term because all of these families are known to “adopt” anyone who starts hanging around, lol. One of the things that these families do best is support each other. So, when I realized Patrick was gone, I also knew that I would be encircled in love and support. I only actually told a few people, but spreading the word is also a given for all of these families. As I sat in shock that morning, the “Village” of my family sprang into action. Calls were made and plans established to ensure that we were taken care of that day and the days that followed. For the first few weeks my job was to just get through each day. There were people to take care of anything. I was overwhelmed with love and gratitude.

Since then I have often reflected on the amazing amount of love I felt during that time. People always tell me how strong I was but how can you not be strong when you have so much support? Since then I’ve watched other people go through similar experiences and they also had a lot of support. But I realize that there are tragedies every day and we never hear about the ones where there is no one around to help the family.

In April there was a shooting spree in Fresno and four people died. One of the victims had just started working for the same company as my brother and was killed on the job. My brother told me that his fellow employees did a lot of fundraising for their coworkers family. They also contacted the other families to offer help. Some of the other families indicated that no one else had reached out to them. So, having support is contingent on whether or not you were lucky enough to be born into a large family, marry into one, or both and whether or not you have a large social network. I thought about what those first few days and weeks would have been like if I were alone and I couldn’t even imagine it.

In November we relived our experience in the worst way when my best friend’s dad, Ron Stebles, was hit and killed. I felt so awful for the family but this time I at least had an idea of what to do. The first thing is food! The family is in shock and they need sustenance. I was staying with Cathy, who had been there for me but I knew I could call my family and before long Denise and Denny arrived with food and water. They were happy to help because they were also grateful for the support we received.

In May, I watched my friend, Sarah Beasley, go through the tragic loss of her son Aaron. I was able to respond in a way that I knew would have been helpful to me and an idea begin to form. I have all this gratitude and so do a lot of other people. Why don’t we pay it forward by being there for families who are not fortunate enough to have the support we have?

I am thrilled to be starting Village of Support to do this. Initially it is going to be a Facebook group of volunteers. As there is a need I will post it and whoever is available right then can offer to help. The list of ways we can help is just starting. Number one is food but there are also things like helping the family navigate through all of the business that needs to happen (funeral arrangements, etc). Maybe it will involve just sitting with someone or helping them with household chores. I suspect that we will come up with a long list of items as well as volunteers and/or experts with a specific skill. I’m going to need a lot of help because I’ve never done anything like this before. But, I have a Village and it grows every day! If you have ideas please keep them coming. If we can do even one small thing to make the process of losing a loved one easier to get through then we will have succeeded.

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Hiking

The week in Hawaii went by so quickly! We had a great time and I think Patrick would have approved.

Patrick was so full of life, and now that he is gone I feel like we should really LIVE for him! Yesterday we tried to go snorkeling at Hanauma Bay but got there too late and we weren't able to park.

We had planned to go to Diamondhead after Hanauma Bay so we just went there instead. It was exactly the kind of thing Patrick would have enjoyed. He loved to be outdoors! And although this was a pretty tame hike, he would have enjoyed the beautiful views. I couldn't help but reminisce about other hikes over the years.

While we were still in college, several of us decided to hike Half Dome. I was several years removed from being an athlete but how hard could it be? We stocked up on provisions like sodas, chips, and beer. There might have been some sandwiches and water but we mainly carried the worst possible things for a hike like that. Dan and Amy were with us and on the way up either the guys ditched us or we mutually agreed for them to go ahead. We were a little slow but I was determined to make it to the top. Did I mention that no one checked the weather forecast? 🤣🤣🤣 Years later Dina would marry Jeff Young and he would teach Patrick how to seriously hike. Back then, we were young and stupid!

As Amy and I reached the base of Half Dome the guys were coming down and thunder clouds were rolling in. We didn't get to go up. I was disappointed and exhausted from the climb. We started down and hey, someone forgot to tell me that my legs would hurt worse on the way down! Then it started raining and our path soon became a slippery river! Patrick stayed with me and protected me on the way down. I'm not going to lie, I clutched his hand and cried most of the way down! And yet he still stayed with me and loved me! ❤️❤️❤️

We always intended to hike more but we were at such different ability levels. And I was never fit enough to do the kind of hikes he loved. Jeff introduced Patrick and his brothers to real hiking. They all worried that someone would die but Jeff always got them back in one piece, even the time they sent the guy with the worst sense of direction to get water! My husband could get lost driving home!

Our last family hike was the Ontario Ridge trail in the summer of 2014 in Avila Beach. It was almost 3 miles and my Fitbit counted the equivalent of 77 flights of stairs. The way up was okay but there were a few times that Patrick steadied me or took my hand to pull me up. I had been working out and I was proud that I could do the hike. The view from the top was beautiful. The way down was steep and slippery. He patiently helped me down as the girls waited at the bottom. It was a fun day and I'm so grateful for that memory.

There are so many things that I would not have been able to do without Patrick by my side. He was my rock. He gave me such a good life and so many good memories! I still have times that I wonder how I can possibly go on. And there are other times that I am amazed at the gifts he has given me. I credit his love for the girls and I with giving me the strength to keep going. There are still times that I stumble but usually someone is there to help me up. And always there is his voice, telling me "you can do this!"

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FEELing

We went to Pearl Harbor yesterday. Dawan didn't go but texted me while we were gone. I told her it was hard because I just FEEL everything so much more now. My emotions are magnified at a place like Pearl Harbor. She knew exactly what I was talking about. We've talked a lot about how we are more empathetic now. I think the girls were affected too. They requested happy music when we got back in the car. Sierra said she had never felt so patriotic before. I'm glad that they got to experience it. As usual, I was thinking of the widows and families and how their futures were shattered. I know many of the men were really young but I'm sure that some had wives or girlfriends back home. I wonder how their lives turned out?

I still find it amazing that what I am going through is not unique. I hear new stories every day, yet before Patrick died, I was blissfully unaware of how fragile my perfect life was. If my writing has no other impact, I hope that I encourage you to embrace life, show your love, and don't wait for the "perfect time" to follow your dreams. Life is precious. Love is precious!

Today I am lying by the pool, enjoying a nice breeze and looking at the clouds for signs. If I see a particularly corny or obscene shape, I consider it a gift from my husband. ❤️ Mostly I'm just enjoying being here. I also FEEL other things more. I'm grateful that I have a good life and for the love that always surrounds me. I'm lonely, but it could be so much worse. I'm grateful to be in such a beautiful place and to have my girls with me. 😊

When vacation is over I'm probably going to be making a change. I'm not sure what yet but my next step will be volunteering or getting a job. One step at a time, my new life. For now I think I will just stare at the clouds and remember. 😊❤️❤️❤️

 

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Mixed emotions

In 1994 Patrick and I visited Dan and Amy on Oahu. We had a great visit with them and did all of the usual Oahu touristy things. Midweek we went to Maui and spent 2 or 3 nights. Maui was very beautiful and romantic, the perfect place to be with the person you love most in the world. We had such a great time! Sometimes I confuse this trip with my honeymoon, which was also an awesome trip! There's just something about tropical places that screams romance to me. So I love being here but I still feel a piece of me is missing.

This seems to be a recurring grief thing for me. Something good or fun happens and I enjoy it, but it also makes me sad. Luckily, I seem to have more happy than sad times so it's not unbearable. I am enjoying watching the girls experience everything. At the same time I can't help but imagine him here with us. The thing is, we would have never stayed somewhere like this. He would have complained about the price of beer and then conspired to find a way to beat the system. He was frugal and I think he planned to enjoy his hard work someday but that day never came. So here I sit, in paradise, spoiling myself. It's hard not to feel guilty about it…

I know, deep in my heart, that he would have nothing but good feelings and love about us having a good time. So I try to think about that but grief is just so complicated.

I was recently reading posts in a grief forum and another widow said that she buys herself gifts "from her husband" for anniversaries and other gift giving occasions. So I bought myself a few pieces of jewelry from a vendor and I'm going to think of them as gifts. He would roll his eyes but also give me a smile that would melt my heart.

So that's where I am today. Happy, enjoying myself, but also lonely and missing him. I'll try to keep focusing on the first two!

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Milestones

Monday marked the one year anniversary of my blog. I'm happy to celebrate something that has been so therapeutic for me! I enjoy writing the blog because it keeps Patrick's memory alive.

Bereaved people often comment that one of the hardest things they experience is never hearing their loved ones name. People are afraid to bring it up, don't know what to say or just don't think about it. Some of them comment that they have been told they should be "over it". I'm happy to say that no one has ever told me that but I did have a few times when I felt people weren't mentioning him to protect me. Thankfully most people know that his name can be mentioned in my presence.

The blog is also a way for me to see that I am doing better. I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was a year ago. That gives me hope that it will continue to get easier.

This week we went to orientation at UC Davis. Camille was a little nervous and, of course, I'm a little anxious about sending her off to college. But I am so excited for the opportunities she will have! I really enjoyed hearing about all of the programs they have and I can't wait to see all that she does!

Of course Patrick was on my mind the whole time. He would have been so proud and excited! We had a chance to meet some of the Biology professors and I just listened but I'm sure he would have asked a lot of scientific questions! Sierra was with me in the family sessions which was nice. There were some individual parents but plenty of couples and I think it would have been hard to be alone.

On the way there I couldn't help but remember all of my drives to Stockton and how excited I always was to see Patrick. This is going to sound odd but part of me wanted to go to UOP and look for him. I think it's just my mind's way of showing disbelief that he is gone. We took I-5 so we could see the tower in the distance. I thought about taking the girls there but that's not what our trip was about and I wasn't sure if I could handle it.

Instead I just smiled at the memories and enjoyed the time with the girls. I know he was there in spirit, beaming with pride!

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Five months later – 9/21/16

This was originally posted on 9/21/16. Transferring from the old blog! 😊

Yesterday marked five months without Patrick. In many ways it feels like yesterday. I find it odd to think about all of the things that have changed. I’ve made little changes such as rearranging things in the kitchen cabinets, moving the wine rack and putting up pictures. I don’t want to erase him from memory but somehow these little changes seem to help.

Grief is a much longer and harder process than I ever imagined. I’m not sure why that is so surprising to me. I have had experience with tragic situations in the past but nothing that I was this close to. And no one talks about it. We just all assume that it is easy to move on, that people adjust to their new reality and the unpleasant grief goes away. So far, that has not been my experience.

Right after Patrick died a friend shared a Facebook group called Widows Hope with me. The first few times I saw posts I almost deleted it because it was SO sad and did NOT make me feel hopeful. “It’s been two years and I still cry every day,” or “It’s been five years but it seems like it was yesterday”. As time went on I did start to see more hopeful posts but I also came to realize that this is a place where people can bare their souls without worrying about upsetting others and sometimes when you are grieving you really need that!

I appreciate everyone’s kind thoughts and comments each time I post something but I don’t want you to always be sad for me. I am not writing this as a cry for help or attention. This is really just my way of healing and hopefully in the process sharing that it is okay to grieve.

I don’t want this to be the end of my story. I have a lot of life ahead of me and I hope that there comes a time when my loss is not the first thing people think of when they see me. I don’t want anyone to forget Patrick or assume that I have but I look forward to a time when the emotions are not so raw and painful. I love you all! Thank you for helping me on this journey!

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Widows beware

Since Patrick died I have expanded my circle of friends and acquaintances. I have accepted almost every friend request I have gotten and I really feel it has enriched my life to get to know people who knew him from work or school. I try to be somewhat cautious because I think people prey on widows but if I can identify some connection I will accept them.

Social media is a blessing for grieving people. The Option B Facebook groups that were started after the release of the Option B book have been a great place to share thoughts. And it's nice when I can offer advice to someone who is newly bereaved. I've even shared some blog posts on there. So, when I got a Facebook Messenger request from a man who was also in the Option B group I accepted it. I asked him why he was contacting me and he said my profile interested him. I told him right off the bat that I was skeptical but I decided to see what happened. He told me he was also a widow and he had a seven year old daughter. Now if that doesn't pull on your heartstrings…

The conversations were odd and I almost asked him if English was his second language. Our first conversation was very short then the next morning he sent me this message.

"Morning” is a gud time to“Remember” all d sweet things & all swt.persons in ur “Life so Wake Upwith ur “SWEET MEMORIES To See ThisBeautiful Mrng.gd mrng"

Huh??! Very strange! I text very slowly and I don't use a ton of abbreviations. Spelling and grammar errors are very distracting to me. I don't think I could talk to someone who sent messages like this! So I didn't respond. Later he seemed to remember how to type in full sentences so I chatted a bit more. I started noticing inconsistencies between his profile and conversations. The conversation was still mundane so I wasn't too worried but finally I remembered you could do reverse image searches. You guessed it, he was a fake. I was tempted to keep talking just to mess with whoever it was. I was thinking I could tell him a sob story about being broke and make him think I was trying to con him. I KNOW Patrick would have done that! In the end it just seemed like that would be a lot of effort so I just blocked him!

I'm a tiny bit proud of myself that I figured it out so quickly! Part of me wishes I would have played along a little longer to see what the scam was all about. I'm sure that is just Patrick urging me to do what he would do! He loved telemarketing calls. He would try to turn the tables and pretend he was selling something. Or he might randomly ask for the supervisor. I wish I could remember more of the conversations but usually I would cut him off since the calls were interrupting our life. I also usually felt sorry for the person on the other end of the call! I was a spoil sport but he loved to mess with them!

I feel like I am stronger than I used to be and I'm pretty sure I would spot anyone trying to take advantage of me. But, now that I know there really are people who prey on widows, I will be extra careful. Scammers beware, don't mess with me!

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Everything has changed

I was driving today and it occurred to me that every single thing I was wearing has been purchased after Patrick died. This included the watch, the ring on my right hand, and even my purse and phone. Even the car I was driving was purchased "after". Such an odd feeling. I know I look at least a little different too but he would still recognize me. Still, it takes a long time for things to change this much.

In the last week or so I finally got around to taking his name off joint credit accounts. Honestly it wasn't a huge priority for me. I didn't realize that he was the primary cardholder on some of them. A day or two later an Amazon order didn't go through. After finally calling the company I realized that removing his name actually closed the account. I only had a small balance because I use it to get reward points and pay it off each month. I had to listen to a long disclosure explaining how I wasn't responsible for the charges. I finally interrupted to tell them that I just wanted to pay it off and reapply in my name. I guess I have been committing fraud all this time.

I'm still learning new things about being a widow. I probably should have changed everything over a long time ago but I basically did the necessities and then have dealt with others when ready. I am actually lucky in this respect as some widows don't have the luxury of letting things sit like that. For many widows, losing their husband has a terrible financial impact. Those whose spouse had long illnesses have used up any savings to pay for medical bills and loss of income. Many couldn't afford life insurance. I am grateful that Patrick could and it has at least made things a little easier. When the accounts were closed I realized what a bind that could potentially put a widow or widower in if they suddenly lost access to credit accounts.

I decided it would be a good idea to run a free credit report on him. And I COULD NOT remember his social security number! I couldn't believe it! I've had that number memorized for years!! I know it was just a momentary lapse but it was another reminder of how much has changed. Luckily there were no red flags in the credit report.

I'm sure there will continue to be changes but hopefully they can continue to happen gradually. Change can be good but it's also comforting to hold on to some of the familiar.