Tag: widow

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Shaw Avenue 11/16/16

This was originally published on my Tumblr blog, which I’ve been slowly moving over. The picture was taken on 4/23/16 during a family walk to get us out of the house. My siblings and I are standing with our childhood home in the background. Denny, Dawan, Me, & Denise

The holidays are quickly approaching and I want to run in the other direction. Back to April. Back to last November. I am just so unprepared for holidays without him. At the same time I am really looking forward to January because that will mean the holidays are over.

I really don’t spend my days crying. I promise. And most of the time I am okay but it really doesn’t take much for the thoughts and pictures to start scrolling through my mind. If I go anywhere during the day I inevitably end up driving or crossing Shaw. I can’t really avoid it.

It’s crazy how much of our life is tied to Shaw. We both worked on Shaw. One of my elementary schools is on Shaw. We met a few blocks from Shaw. We opened our first checking account on Shaw. Fresno State is on Shaw. I spent four years of my childhood in the big house on the corner of Shaw and DeWolf. And he died on Shaw, a half mile away from that house. I have now driven down that section of Shaw 3 or 4 times. I only go there when I really need to let it all out and I don’t have to do that very often.

Ironically some of my best and a few of my worst childhood memories are from that house on Shaw. We moved from a tiny 3 bedroom house to that house and I think we all thought we were rich! A lot of the time we had our own bedrooms and somehow the 6 of us survived with 1 bathroom. I don’t even know how that was possible! We had all kinds of animals including a horse, a steer, goats, rabbits, ducks, geese, dogs, cats and pigs. There was always something to do. One time the pig had 13 piglets. They were cute when they were little. I remember one day I sat in the pasture and played with them. Later that day I was on the porch when they decided to go for a walk. Across Shaw. As I watched a car sped through their pack. All you could hear were squeals of pain. I ran in the house screaming. I was so upset I couldn’t really articulate what had happened and my parents thought one of the other kids had been hit. Miraculously only a few died. One had a broken leg but my mom had a splint put on it and it recovered just fine. We laugh at that story.

Another time I was getting home from school on the bus after track practice. There was an almond orchard surrounding two sides of our property. I saw Denise and Denny jogging along the orchard and, a little further, I saw that someone had left a few piles of clothes in the orchard. The bus stopped across the street from my house and the bus driver got out and let me cross the street. Suddenly, I saw a strange man with my brother and sister. He looked kind of crazy and seemed to have his arms on Denny. He asked me to get my parents and told me he had hit two men. We later found out that the tragedy began when a girl was driving by our house, pulling a horse trailer, and hit our Saint Bernard, Morley. Since she had the horse trailer she didn’t want to stop so she went home and told her dad and uncle. They lived less than a quarter mile away, on the opposite side of Shaw. Her dad and uncle drove over to tell us. For some reason they decided to park across Shaw instead of pulling into our driveway. I think the sun was low in the sky as they crossed. The driver never saw them. They were thrown into the orchard and killed instantly. I didn’t realize that I had seen them. Our dog was injured and my parents had him put down. What an awful day! This was forty years ago and I still remember almost everything about it.

How ironic that Patrick would ride past that house and a little way down the road his life would also end tragically. I didn’t really think about the fact that people lived near the accident site and would now be forever tied to this tragedy like I am to the one forty years earlier.

Today Camille went to Subs and Grubs for lunch. She used her phone to call in the order for herself and 3 others. As they went up to pay, the owner asked which one was Camille. She told her she recognized the name from caller ID. She pulled her aside and told her she lived out on Shaw and had been praying for my family. She didn’t charge Camille for her lunch. Such a small, crazy world! What a nice and unexpected gesture! I continue to feel the love that surrounds us, some of it from people we don’t even know. This is such a horrific experience but we are very blessed that so many people care about us and continue to do anything they can think of to help us. I know that I will survive the holidays. I will be surrounded by family and we will keep moving forward. There’s really no other way to go.

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Better with time? – Originally posted 11/14/16

Patrick used to go away once or twice a year for a weekend of camping, fishing, relaxing and drinking beer. He often went with his only friend Joe šŸ˜‰or his brother Matt. Iā€™m not going to lie, I think it was good to have a break. The girls and I would usually go and buy sugary cereal (he did not buy that for them) and whatever other special treats they wanted. I would sleep really well since there was no snoring. After a day or two, I would really start to miss him and it was always nice when he got home. Tonight I saw a picture of him and I was reminded that I really miss him. I donā€™t need any more breaks, I just want him home.

At a wedding this weekend I was talking to relatives that I hadnā€™t seen since the funeral. My cousin Steve commented that he knew it hadnā€™t hit me at that point and he asked how long it was before it really hit me. I told him that it was probably a couple of months.

The initial shock is a blessing and a curse. Iā€™m not sure if I could have functioned at all without it. On the other hand, I had no clue how much harder it would be later. I had this false sense that I was going to get through this easily. What an optimist!

I know heā€™s not coming back. But I still catch myself thinking ā€œwhat ifā€? Tonight I had this crazy thought that maybe if I had just gone out to look for him again I would have found him alive. Iā€™ve mentioned before that the brain can play cruel tricks on you. For a split second, I actually thought that maybe I did it wrong. Maybe I just didnā€™t find him?! Why would I even think that???

I do know that this is real but I often wonder if I am ā€œdoing this wrongā€. Iā€™m becoming more and more aware of my tendency to just stuff all the feelings inside me. This has been a good strategy to make it so far but I probably need to start letting it out a little more.

Okay, enough sadness! Yesterday Matt was going through beer stuff since there were lots of ingredients in the beer fridge and I donā€™t make or drink beer. I have decided that Patrick would want me to make sure there is always beer in his fridge. Denny and Matt have decided to keep beer on tap here and I think thatā€™s kind of cool. Patrick would be really happy that people were still coming by for a glass of beer! While he was here, Matt figured out that the keg in the fridge still had a bit of Patrickā€™s second to last batch of beer in it. He decided to give it a try and pronounced it ā€œReally, really, really good!ā€ We laughed about it because there is no way Patrick would ever let beer age for 7 months! And it turns out that it does get better over time! I knew that we would probably keep finding surprises and I hope there are more left to discover!

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Cross Two More Off the List – Originally posted 11/7/16

This has been a week of second firsts for me. The week was also a hard one for me and Iā€™m never quite sure why some days are harder than others. I havenā€™t been able to write all week so Iā€™m not sure if I had writerā€™s block because I had a hard week or if I had a hard week because I couldnā€™t write anything.

On Halloween, I picked up Papa Murphyā€™s Take-N-Bake pizza to take to my momā€™s. I realized after I got it that this was another unexpected ā€œfirstā€. We used to have pizza once per week. His favorite was BCs pizza but he felt they could be a little pricey so we wouldnā€™t get that all the time. When I worked in the office I would pick it up on the way home with instructions to call him when I did so he could preheat the oven. And when I got home I was usually greeted with a thank you and a kiss. He appreciated me and I appreciated him. Getting pizza was such a normal, routine thing but these are the kind of things I remember and sometimes they hurt the worst. Just the day to day interaction and knowing you were loved and appreciated. I just think of a typical night like this and I am filled with love, happiness, and unbearable sadness.

People always tell me that I am loved by many and I know and appreciate that. But there is still a hole in my heart that may never heal. I have a lot of romantic memories of our relationship but I feel the loss intensely when I remember the little moments of each day.

When I started working from home last year, Patrick made it a habit to come upstairs and give me a kiss when he got home. I was usually secretly annoyed since the afternoons were almost always quiet times and I was usually in the middle of something that required my full attention. I wanted to tell him that I was still working and just pretend I wasnā€™t there. Fortunately, I never did. I miss those interruptions now.

The other second first was going to a wedding. Erin is the mother of Sierraā€™s close friend, Olivia. They have been friends since second grade! Olivia is like one of my kids and Erin and I are friends as a result. Erin is quite a bit younger than me and has always been a single parent. She is very independent and did just fine on her own. She raised a wonderful daughter! And now she has met the love of her life, Matt!

I was worried that the wedding would be hard. I declined to attend a wedding over the summer because I didnā€™t want to be a distraction if I got emotional. I cried at the wedding last night. Tears of joy! The wedding was beautiful! Their love was apparent and I am really happy for them! I also attended with my girls and my nieces and we had a great time!

So I was doing pretty good today. But I have been stressed about possibly going back to work. Today I decided to check my disability status and my recent reconsideration request was denied. So I believe I will have to go back to work to qualify for early retirement. Everyone has told me that itā€™s only for a few months and I keep telling myself that too but honestly I wouldnā€™t be off work if it wasnā€™t difficult to be there.

The difficult part about my disability is that it is hard to prove. And the last two times I was taken off work due to my mental health, my employer denied my disability. The state covered it both times. This includes the time I was off after Patrickā€™s death. I did get five days of bereavement leave. I had to take vacation time the day of his funeral and four days after and the rest ended up as unpaid leave. I didnā€™t stress about it. I had other things to focus on.

If I had a heart attack or a surgery and was going through rehabilitation my doctor could fill out a simple form to certify that I was disabled. For mental health, it is a longer form with a lot of questions. I thought it would be easier this time since I am actually seeing a Psychologist but apparently, her opinion doesnā€™t matter.

So Iā€™m questioning myself and wondering why some people can go through something like this and go right back to work. Am I less of a person? The thing is, I probably could go back to work at a different type of job. I am functioning in many ways but, for whatever reason, I canā€™t bear to go back.

I have worked there for 22 years and I was married to Patrick the whole time. I have had a lot of ups and downs at work and he was always there to encourage and support me. Four or five years ago I went through a very difficult time there and he has pretty much hated the thought of me working there since then. Someone asked me today what he would say to me. I feel that he would just tell me to do what I needed to do. He would be okay with whatever decision I made. Iā€™m sure on the inside he would be thinking it would be better financially for me to keep working but he would never put that pressure on me.

So I am going to sleep on it. Pray a little. Hope for a sign or the strength to just make myself do it. If you hear that I ended up walking away from an early retirement package, please donā€™t judge me. Iā€™m going to do whatever I need to so that I can keep moving forward. I might make mistakes and I might change my mind. Thatā€™s okay. I know I am doing the best I can and I really just have to get through one day at a time.

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A Break in the Clouds – Originally posted 10/31/16

The cloud hanging over me has cleared. For now. I have been waiting so long for the resolution of the case and itā€™s nice to know that I can have a little break from that. Next court date is exactly one month away. I wasnā€™t hoping for any particular thing to happen. I just wanted the waiting to be over.

I never know how I am going to react to updates. I donā€™t even remember the date we got the first full update on the case but it was in May. I came home and locked myself in my room. I have only done that a few times. Sometimes no amount of comforting is going to help. I only stayed in there for 30 minutes to an hour but I felt like I was never going to calm down.

Over the summer I waited weeks inĀ between updates. The wheels of justice turn slowly and you really donā€™t want them to take shortcuts anyway. Then a few weeks ago I received unexpected news on the case and I went into a tailspin again. I couldnā€™t even update anyone like I usually did. I really only have to ever tell one person and they can spread the word but we have a lot of immediate family so itā€™s a lot of texting or calling.

Iā€™ve been calmer since then. I was fully prepared to be a wreck the day I went to the DAs office. In the end, I felt they were just as diligent as the police and I was okay after that meeting. I voted for the DA and I am happy that I made that choice. She is very dedicated and caring.

I donā€™t want to put too much info out there until the case is over. I can say that the misdemeanor charge was the most they could do based on a few things. Most importantly California law does not have a clear measurement of drug impairment. That will be my mission once the case is resolved.

The arraignment was hard. I didnā€™t know how to feel when I saw the defendant. We did not expect the judge to increase the bail so that was a small victory. I had lots of support. Both of our Momā€™s, Denise, Dawan, Denny, Connor, Cathy, Dina, Gabe, and Jenn. If you havenā€™t figured out by now, I am never alone in this and I am very grateful for my family. And honestly, they wouldnā€™t be anywhere else because they are all grieving too. As I have said from the beginning, I am surrounded by love. ā¤ā¤ā¤šŸ˜ŠšŸ˜ŠšŸ˜Š

Tomorrow is Halloween. Actually, it starts in one minute. Halloween has been a big day for us over the years. When we were younger we always dressed up. And we had some awesome costumes! The first year we were a fork and a spoon. Over the years our costumes included Oscar and Emmy, Bartles and James, Wayne and Garth, a slice of Pizza and the Dominoā€™s Pizza Noid, Hare Krishnas, an Angel and a Devil, Gangster and Flapper, and American Gothic (the painting, complete with picture frame). I may have missed some. I guess we stopped when we had kids and began focusing on their costumes.

Patrick liked to answer the door and basically harass the poor children. ā€œWho are you supposed to be?ā€, ā€œYou donā€™t look like______ā€, ā€œArenā€™t you too old to be trick or treating?ā€ Some of the kids figured him out and just laughed at him. I would usually hide in the other room and pray that I didnā€™t know any of the parents! I wonder if any of the kids will be looking for that crazy guy tomorrow night?

My mom and Ernie just moved back into town and she is excited about Halloween so I was happy to agree to hang out at her place. By the end of the night, I will be able to say Iā€™ve crossed off another ā€œfirstā€ without him. Happy Halloween!!! šŸŽƒšŸŽƒšŸŽƒ

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Loose Ends – 10/13/16

Originally posted on 10/13/16.

I felt normal for a while. Not that I forgot what was going on but I was feeling a little happy, not so sad. Last week grief found me again and I pushed it back for a while but I can only ignore it for so long. So I writeā€¦

Tonight I am grateful for Cathy, who is always there when I need her. Earlier I needed some company and she knew without me even asking. Some days are just unexpectedly bad. And I know I have a long list of people who would be here if needed but a best friend is nice. She knows she doesnā€™t have to comfort me. She doesnā€™t agonize over what to say because she knows all I need is her company.

I feel like there are so many loose ends in my life right now. I have no control over a lot of them and some I am just not ready to deal with. I feel better when some are resolved and others donā€™t go the way I planned. That happened tonight. Things are not going the way I anticipated and it was really hard to hear. I always hate it when people write cryptic things on social media but I really canā€™t get into specifics right now. Hopefully I will be able to share more soon.

I finalized my will and trust a few weeks ago. This may seem like a strange thing to be happy about but it gives me comfort knowing that everything is spelled out for the girls should anything happen to me. They also took care of the paperwork for the title on the house which is good. The title now lists me as Danell teNyenhuis, an unmarried woman. Thatā€™s so bizarre to me. I think I took 18 months to plan my wedding. Such a joyful, happy occasion. And then, almost 24 years later, in an instant, I am unmarried. I guess it is better than saying widowed but it is just so odd to see. I still feel like Iā€™m going to wake up and realize it was all a dreamā€¦

Matt is now the official owner of the VW bus. So you may see it around town. For now itā€™s still parked in my garage but I am happy he is taking it. Patrick loved that bus and he would be happy that his little brother will use it and enjoy it. Matt has already taken the kids

camping several times so they are making lots of new memories.

I finally got the trees trimmed in the backyard so I should be able to spend less time dealing with the pool. So thatā€™s three kind-of-big things resolved and that feels good. Hopefully I will continue to check things off my list and my life will feel a little less chaotic. For now I will continue to write…

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What if we never met? – 10/9/16

This was originally posted on 10/9/16. The picture I have added is all of the teNyenhuis grandkids.

Last night I was completely exhausted from a day of moving my mom and Ernie. I woke up at 5:30 after sleeping maybe 3 hours on Friday night. Last night I should have slept like a log. Of course, as usual, I woke several times during the night. This is kind of my new normal. Just to clarify, this doesnā€™t mean I wake up crying and in emotional pain. Patrick is always in the back of my mind but the pain seems to be a little better most days. When I was awake last night I started thinking about something that I thought about a LOT at first.

When the pain was the most intense there were times that I prayed for amnesia. I just wanted to not remember. And I considered if it would be better just to go through life kind of happy rather than experiencing the extreme pain of losing Patrick. Iā€™ve been told a lot that ā€œmost peopleā€ donā€™t experience the kind of love and happiness I had. What if I didnā€™t have that? Of course I always shut down this line of thinking because I would not have my two precious daughters if I never met Patrick. And of course I wouldnā€™t want to erase my time with him. My life was better because of it.

My life was incredibly enriched when I met Patrick. Mom and Pop are the best in-laws anyone could ever have. They truly consider me their child and I am so blessed to be a part of their family. Dan is like a big brother to me. He brought Amy into my life and even though they are far away I cherish our relationship. Gabe was always around during the college years when Patrick was away and he looked out for me. I consider him Camilleā€™s surrogate father for education and I think heā€™s as proud of her as Patrick would be. Jennifer is a kindred spirit and I love having her in my life.

And Patrick gave me my own little sister, Dina. I love her so much and I understand my sisters wanting to protect me from the pain Iā€™m going through because I wish I could take away Dinaā€™s pain. She was extremely close to Patrick and when she married Jeff he found an outdoorsy buddy. Jeff and Dina were always ready to go fishing, hiking or just drink beer with Patrick!

When I met Matt I think he was 10 years old. So Iā€™ve known him for a big part of his life and Patrick was always proud of him. In many ways he was truly Patrickā€™s best friend. Iā€™ve always been close to Tina too. Like all of the siblings Matt chose well!

Getting together with the whole family was always a special time. Holidays were always busy but we always agreed which family we would spend time with, BOTH!

And that is just the tip of the iceberg since the family doesnā€™t end there. There are numerous nieces, nephews, cousins, etc and my life is richer because of all of them. I do still get extremely sad at times and when that happens if I start to wish that someone could just take away my memories I think about all that I would lose with them. I wouldnā€™t give up the memories or my family. Love you T-9-house family!ā¤ļø

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I can do this! – 10/08/16

Originally posted on 10/8/16

Today I drove a 26 foot U-Haul truck. While driving it occurred to me that I would never have done this when Patrick was alive. To be fair, I didnā€™t have to drive it today. The plan was for Denny to drive it but it made more sense for me to since it needed to be parked at my house tonight. And Denny was hosting our monthly ā€œFirst Fridayā€ get together so it made more sense for him to get home. He will be driving it to Burrough Valley tomorrow so we can move my mom and Ernie into town. He doesnā€™t really want to do it either but thatā€™s what brothers are for! Lol
There have been a lot of things I have learned that I never had to do before. I have cleaned the pool filter at least 10 times and I have spent many hours brushing the sides of the pool and skimming leaves off the top. I changed the handle on the toilet. I cleaned Aggie’s ears. I drove the bus. Ok, I didnā€™t actually drive it but I pulled it out of the garage and back in.

I have also done things that I knew how to do but never had to before. I am now the scooper of dog poop, a job he hated and complained about regularly. And yeah I probably should have done it sooner but I never had to. I do the grocery shopping, occasionally, lol. I still donā€™t cook much but Iā€™m making an effort to cook more. There are countless other things that I just never had to do but there is no reason why I canā€™t do them now.
Today I also put registration tags on my car and his bus. Iā€™ve done this before but usually, I just had him do it. He really could do just about anything. And Iā€™m amazed that Iā€™m even able to function without him but I know he is my guardian angel! I think that is why I feel I can do just about anything now. That doesnā€™t mean that I donā€™t occasionally dissolve into tears if I canā€™t immediately figure something out. The pool has made me cry several times and I felt pretty helpless when the smoke alarm in the attic needed a new battery (thank you, Denny, for climbing up there to replace it). At the same time, I like it when I can figure things out for myself. I think it makes me feel like I am going to be okay.

We will really miss him tomorrow. He was very strong and would have been a huge help. Plus he would have spent the day joking around with Denny and Tom and made the move a lot more entertaining. And I know he would have driven the U-Haul for us!

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Keeper of memories – 10/3/16

Originally posted on 10/3/16.

As my kids were growing up I loved to share funny stories with my mom. She would always laugh and tell me that I really needed to write them down. I didnā€™t have a blog back then. Iā€™m sure that I intended to write them down but why would I need to? I was married to a man who could remember everything!

I didnā€™t realize at first how many memories we lost. Iā€™m not quite sure why but my brain does not always store details. I remember a lot but Patrick could remember obscure things such as lines from movies I had never heard of. Like everything else I think he trained his brain to do this. After college he never truly learned to read for pleasure. I know he enjoyed reading but it had to be something of value. He read the entire bible and when he was finished he decided to read the biographies of each of the presidents. I think he made it to Reagan and then stopped. He decided the biographies were more accurate after time had passed. The more recent ones were usually written by supporters and tended to be sugar coated. Of course I canā€™t think of any cool facts but he loved to share odd things he had learned such as the president who took calls while on the toilet!

He was also great at telling jokes. I would try to repeat them and they were never quite as funny. A highlight of the Steam Donkey shows was the jokes and banter in between songs, much of it groan worthy! I am so grateful that I have videos of that. Usually I can get through them with a smile.

He had favorite sayings too and we have forgotten some of them. One is that he used to tell us that there were only two rules in this house. Rule 1 is never throw things from the second floor, but we are unsure of Rule 2. Rule 2 could be that Dad is Awesome (which he frequently said) or that Dad is always right. Maybe it was ā€œDad needs a beerā€.

Of course, like anyone, he didnā€™t remember everything, especially if it was a message his wife was supposed to give him! He would be talking to his mom and she would say, ā€œIā€™m sure Danell told you ā€¦.ā€ and he would tell her, ā€œYou know we never talkā€. In fairness I would say the same thing!

He had another saying related to irony and I think it was poetic irony but it seems like it was a more obscure term. When he found an example of this type of irony he loved to tell us. Recently I experienced this type of irony and although it was a little sad I could just imagine him laughing at the irony of the situation.

A month or two after Patrick died I charged my old iPhone to see if I had any voice messages from him. There had been none on my current phone. I found one message from 2013. He had been on some sort of weekend adventure and I was gone when he got home. He left me a message to say he was home, he was exhausted and he was going to sleep. He ended it with ā€œI love youā€. I tried to save the message and the older phone did not have an option to do that. So, rather than play the message on the old phone and record it with the new, I had the brilliant idea to update the old phone. Of course when the update was complete my messages were gone. I took it to the phone store and they confirmed there was no way to retrieve it. I was sad but honestly I wasnā€™t going to be devastated about it. At the same time, I was still searching to make sure I didnā€™t miss any audio or video recordings. Eventually I found the voice memos on my phone. Wouldnā€™t it be sweet if he had recorded me a message? I found an 18 second message and at first it was very staticky. After a minute I realized I had made the recording. In the middle of the night. When his snoring woke me up! Iā€™m not sure what I had planned to do with it but I never shared it with him. He was sensitive about his snoring and his feelings would have been hurt. I burst into laughter! How ironic! Iā€™m looking for a sweet message and instead find the snoring I had recorded in anger. Now thatā€™s (insert term) irony! šŸ˜‚<<<<<<
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The Lost Art of Writing – 9/28/16

Originally posted on 9/28/16

I found something else when I was searching in the garage. I found a box of things from high school and college. I am a sentimental person so I save a lot of things like that. The box mostly had certificates and sports award programs. A lot of stuff from my years of Cross Country and Track at Clovis High. There were also writing assignments from high school and college, poems I had written and some free form journaling. What surprised me is that I had forgotten how much I used to write!

In high school I spent a lot of time journaling or writing poems if something was bothering me. I think I continued this at the beginning of college. I met Patrick in the summer of 1986. He was home from UOP for the summer and I was on summer break from Fresno State. We began what would be a 6 year, long-distance relationship. Back then we did not have cell phones or email. Long distance calls could be very expensive and we were broke college students. So we sent each other a LOT of cards and letters!

I am eternally grateful that I have this written history of our early relationship. Right after Patrick died, when I was still in a semi-state of shock, I began reading through these. I would read a few at a time and I was sorting them into two ziplock bags in case the girls ever choose to read them. One bag is labeled PG and the other has a warning as they might not like the content of those.šŸ˜‰ As the shock began to wear off, I had to put them away. Some day I will read the rest but right now itā€™s just too hard.

As I read through them, it occurred to me that I would have enjoyed reading through them with Patrick. I think it would have been a great way to reconnect and reminisce. I have said this before but I repeat it often. I think one reason relationships fail is because the early days are so exhilarating but it is not like that forever. Your love matures and you become more comfortable with each other. When the ā€œhoneymoonā€ period is over, a relationship becomes something that you have to nurture. You canā€™t take it for granted. Thereā€™s going to be give and take and itā€™s not going to be as picture perfect as your courtship and honeymoon. We always seemed to find ways to rekindle that but I wish I had thought of the letters.

And the letters were not all hearts and roses either. One letter from Patrick was a heart breaker! He had been dating another girl at UOP and when he initially returned that first year he was torn between the two of us. In the letter, he told me that he loved both of us but was choosing her over me because he didnā€™t think he was capable of a long-distance relationship. I, of course, knew better and we all know how that ended! I truly had forgotten about this letter but it did not upset me to read it. That was part of our story and after that I was always confident in our relationship.

I know that people have been saying this for decades but I feel that writing is a lost art. We are all bombarded with constant communication. My children interact with their friends way more than I did but much of it consists of short text conversations, Snapchat stories and other social media posts. That doesnā€™t mean they are not close but when they eventually start having serious relationships (after age 30, lol) I hope that they also take time to record their thoughts and feelings in something more permanent than a text.

I challenge each of you to take the time to send a card or letter to someone you care about. It doesnā€™t need to be long, just let them know how much they mean to you. As I thought of this last night I wrote each of the girls a letter. And by wrote I mean I typed it in a document on my phone and emailed it to them. Iā€™m a modern mom, right? I told Camille what I was doing and my thoughts behind it all. She said she would refuse to accept it if it wasnā€™t handwritten. I sent it anyway. I hope she forgives me. If I had waited until I found a card or stationary and then had to actually write it might have taken forever! šŸ˜Š

The pictures below are pictures of a card Patrick sent me when I moved into our first apartment, shortly before we were married. This pretty much sums up how excited we were to be done with the long-distance relationship! I have so many good memories and I am thankful that I was blessed to be his wife!

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Happily married mother of two 9-17-16

Originally posted on 9/17/16. I’m still working to get everything transferred from my old blog. It’s nice to read the old entries and see that I feel at least a little better now!

Iā€™ve been looking at my social profile descriptions recently. They basically all say the same thing. ā€œI am a happily married mother of twoā€. I just canā€™t bring myself to change them. Who would I be then?

One of the hardest parts of losing your spouse is losing part of your identity. Iā€™m not really ready to embrace the term widow but I get annoyed when it is not an option on paperwork because Iā€™m definitely not single. And I may never change my relationship status on Facebook. Widow is just such a sad term and I donā€™t like doing the sad thing!

Iā€™ve been shredding old paperwork and I got rid of all of ā€œourā€ address labels. Today I was wondering if I should save some of the paperwork from our early life together. Canceled checks, bank statements, doctors bills, etc. I really have no need for any of these things but it was a really odd feeling to shred them. I did save a few checks so I would have a copy of his signature.

There are a still a lot of things in both of our names. Iā€™ve only changed what I had to. Iā€™m in no rush to change them all. I feel like itā€™s a step forward each time I do something like that but there is no timeline in getting it all done.

I realize that Iā€™m still the same person I was on April 19th. I will always be Patrickā€™s wife. And Iā€™m still a mother of two. Unhappily widowed? Tragically widowed? Iā€™ll just leave the happily married part for now.