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Garage Treasures

Most people consider cleaning out their garage a dreaded chore. For me, it is a treasure hunt! Our garage has room for two cars and an extra space for storage. We have always parked our cars in the garage so it wasn’t a complete nightmare. Parts of it were though! 

We used to have a small fence in front of the cars. There is a dog door from the laundry room to the garage and then the garage to the yard. The fence was to keep Aggie from running out when the garage door was open. I have fallen over the fence on more than one occasion when my heel has caught it and it wasn’t pretty! After Aggie died I took it down and I’ve really been wanting to do some organizing and throw out unneeded things. Since the Cruiser is in the shop it’s the perfect opportunity. 

I didn’t completely finish today but I took a full carload to Goodwill, my recycling bin is almost completely full and the trash can is getting there. I can already see a difference! Let me tell you, my husband was prepared for just about any kind of home project. He saved everything! Cardboard, a broken garage door opener, a LOT of empty beer bottles for beer making. A few weeks ago I filled the back of my car with boxes of beer bottles and they weighed 68 pounds! That equals five dollars and change in case you are wondering, lol. I found a few more today and put them in the recycling bin. 

I found a whole box of stuff for the VW bus. Matt has been having some issues with it so this should help! 

I filled a huge bin with beer making supplies. The girls went through our costumes and got them from 3 boxes to 1 bin. I found a box full of teaching stuff, mainly files on things like earthquakes and volcanoes. I didn’t tackle that one yet. And, of course, I found a box of treasures! 

This time the box was my stuff so I didn’t think I would find much. The first thing I saw was this. The sign that was put on the car when we left our wedding. 


I also had newspapers from the first gulf war, the 1989 earthquake, and 9/11. Also various magazines. I had plaques, trophies and medals. Sports award programs, patches that were never sewn on my letterman jacket, and a t-shirt from Clark Intermediate with the name of every 8th grader from 1981 printed on it. And my cap from my college graduation! My nephews were my pride and joy back then and this was what they called me for a while. 

The best treasures were two cards and a drawing from Patrick. The first was a handmade card from our first Valentine’s Day, which would have been 1987! He was very creative! 

He made this pencil drawing of me. 

And the best treasure was another Valentine’s card. It says, “For My Wife,” but we weren’t actually married yet. 



I don’t quite know how I got so lucky to find Patrick. I still miss him tremendously and I can’t believe he’s gone. Sometimes I agonize over his last minutes and I still hope I will wake up from this bad dream. As hard as it is, at the same time, I am profoundly grateful that I had so much time with him. Whenever I find these little hidden treasures it is a reminder of how deeply he loved me and what a great life we had together. That’s what I will go to sleep dreaming about, all the wonderful times!

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Time is flying by

I was pulling out of a parking lot this evening and noticed that there is already a firework stand up. Really??? They can’t even sell them for over two more weeks. I am very familiar with the date they go on sale. One week before the 4th of July, June 27th, my 25th wedding anniversary. How can it be so close?

Of course I knew it was coming. I’ve already scheduled a massage for that day and I plan to find something fun to do. I was really looking forward to this milestone and then I didn’t even get to celebrate the 24th anniversary. 

It’s also Father’s Day and frankly I would just like to fast forward through the next few weeks. We talked about going somewhere fun and we still might but we’ve kind of been on the go a lot. We spent last weekend in San Francisco and saw the musical, Hamilton. The girls have listened to the soundtrack so many times that they almost know it by heart. The play was really good! It’s not 100% historically accurate but I haven’t ever seen kids get this interested in history! During intermission I enjoyed listening to a tween girl and her younger brother discuss their favorite parts with their Dad. They had clearly seen more than one show because they were even comparing actors! Do you know who would have been really interested in the play? Patrick!

In case you didn’t know, Patrick had read biographies on almost every president plus many of the founding fathers, including Alexander Hamilton. I think I remember him talking about how smart Hamilton was. He would have picked apart the historical inaccuracies, made fun of the rapping and then secretly enjoyed the show. I can just hear him creating his own lyrics to show what really happened. He would have driven the girls crazy but they would have loved it! It’s not hard to imagine his crazy reactions because it was daily life with Patrick!

The girls and I enjoy playing the “What would Dad say?” game. Most of the time they are better at it than I am. We always laugh and it makes us feel like a part of him is still with us, which I know is true. 

We will always keep parts of him with us. Sometimes this will be a questionable choice, lol. Today I talked to the smog repair shop. I probably should have just donated the car to a school. Or I could have paid to get it repaired to pass smog, which happens to be an amount roughly equal to the Kelly Blue Book value. Instead I am spending twice what it is worth to also fix the oil leak and the coolant system. Maybe we can still get a trip or two to the beach in? I’m just not ready to say goodbye to it so I’m not going to! By the way, here is the picture that started it all! The day he fell in love! 

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It’s not as hard, but it isn’t any easier

May was a crazy, busy month! Awards, graduations, moving Sierra, multiple parties… I’m enjoying the fact that things are a bit slower this week. I was worried that it would be a big let-down but we do have a lot planned for the summer so I have things I am looking forward to.

I have to say that 13 1/2 months later it still doesn’t seem real. Time has definitely passed and there have been a lot of changes but it also seems like I saw him just yesterday. 

Setting goals and making plans seems to help me a lot. I added the girls to my gym membership (Urban Block Fitness) and tomorrow will be day four for them. Camille is probably in the best shape overall so we are kind of getting a kick out of the fact that she is feeling the pain! Like me, she is not used to the type of arm workouts that we do at the gym. She is looking forward to having arm strength! Sierra went with me over spring break and incorporated some of what we did into her workouts so she is not as sore but we are ALL feeling it this week. I missed a lot of workout days in May so I’m making up for lost time!

Tomorrow I also start a new class and for three weeks I’m going to be enrolled in two classes. I’m overlapping the classes so I can take a break for vacation in August. I hope it’s not too much. I guess I still worry that if I put too much on my plate I might fall apart. I don’t think that’s going to happen but I still try to make sure it doesn’t. 

My days are mostly good now unless I think about it too much. There is always going to be this ache deep inside of me. Right now I just can’t allow myself to visit that place very often. I don’t think I’m in denial, more like self-protective mode. The best way to describe where I am now is this, it’s not as hard but it isn’t any easier. I know that’s a contradiction but it just seems to fit the way I feel. 

I put my wedding ring back on for Sierra’s graduation and I can’t get it off now. So I guess I needed to have it on a little bit longer. I imagine Patrick chuckling about that. 

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Sleepless

Sometimes I question my decision to share so much on my blog. A lot of times I think people want to fix things for me and that’s not the reason I write this. I try to be authentic but there are times I may leave things out because I don’t want to worry people. So I won’t post this right away. 
I’m tired and I can’t sleep. It’s 3 AM on Saturday and I have a busy day tomorrow. I had so much to do yesterday and accomplished very little. I still have times when it is very hard to get myself organized. I finally did a Facebook invite for Camille’s party. I used to kind of frown on those but it’s a week away so I needed to get the word out. I have announcements and pictures to send out. I realize I could have her do those but she has had less time than I have had. 
I rarely get “good” sleep anymore and sometimes the exhaustion catches up. I did sleep late yesterday so hopefully that will get me through tomorrow. 
Sierra is moved home and getting settled in. We are trying to combine her 3 years of college accumulation with everything else she already had. She is a very good organizer and does not get emotionally attached to “things”. She disagrees but she is much better at decluttering than I am. I’m excited for her to get her organizing done because then I know she will help me!
I was thinking about Patrick when I went to bed and it still took my breath away realizing he is gone. It’s more of a brief shock now, not the heavy sadness I felt at first, but still hard. If I’m having trouble sleeping I can go on the Option B Facebook group and I don’t feel so alone in my pain. It’s for anyone experiencing grief but a lot of widows post there. I can see how people who are further along are doing and sometimes I’m able to share with people whose loved ones died more recently. Sheryl Sandberg is one of my heroes now. My blog is not unique. A lot of people write blogs after experiencing this type of loss. They write books too. But most of them do not have the connections she has and the power to bring people together. She is very inspiring!
I haven’t had a chance to write about Patrick’s graduation video. It turned out to be a kind of goofy video about all of the graduates. There wasn’t a single bit of the graduation on it so no video of Patrick’s speech. But there was video of him, acting a little silly, and the girls enjoyed watching it. I’m glad that we have it but I still hope I find that speech!
It’s now Tuesday and Camille graduates tomorrow. I haven’t posted since last week because I have been so busy. I’m still disorganized. Announcements have not been mailed. I can’t stress about it. I have two assignments to turn in before graduation tomorrow. I’m taking a short break right now then I will hopefully finish them prior to the last minute. 
I was looking at my Facebook profile and it made me sad that Patrick is not listed in my life events. So I added “loss of a loved one” and it broadcasted it to everyone so I immediately deleted it. I wish you could just have it be there without showing up in newsfeeds. #FirstWorldProblems.
I’m excited to see Camille graduate but I know it will be hard also. Patrick was so proud of both of his girls! Last night Camille led the flag salute and read the benediction at baccalaureate. She was poised and confident. Four years ago she filled in as the mascot at a rally and she could only do it for a little while because she was uncomfortable being in front of a crowd. That is probably the biggest change Patrick missed out on, Camille growing into her role as a leader. I know he will be with me in spirit tomorrow but I wish he were here…

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Hidden treasures

Today is our semi-annual neighborhood cleanup day. I spent time last week finding things to put out and also made another trip to Goodwill. I will probably never finish my decluttering project but it’s definitely a goal!

I know there are boxes of things in the garage that haven’t been opened in years. I look forward to whatever hidden treasures they hold. There are two things in particular that I’ve been hoping to find. The first is a copy of the speech Patdick gave at his grad school commencement. The second is Patrick’s journal from our Engaged Encounter weekend. I have mine and it would be fun to compare notes!

I found a promising box and opened it to find an unexpected treasure, the VIDEO of the graduation!!! This video is on VHS tape, has been in the garage for 13 years and is almost 28 years old. I have no idea what condition it is in. I do have a VCR but it’s not hooked up and honestly I was afraid I might destroy the tape. Camille also suggested we wait until Sierra is home to watch it together. So I dropped it off at Horn Photo and told them it was very precious! We will get the DVD in two weeks and hopefully it will work!

There were other treasures in the box also! There was a large picture of the Phi Delta Theta, California Lambda chapter for 1988-1989. Patrick is at the end of the second row looking very cute with his Superman curl! Several of his fraternity brothers came to town last year for his service and it meant a lot to me. I still have his fraternity pin and I’ve worn it to a few important events so I would have something of his with me. 


The box also contained a Swisher Sweets cigar box filled with useful and meaningful items. Most of them were significant to me. I wish I had the story behind all of them! There was, of course, a cigar. There was a small notepad with mostly blank pages. A Japanese phrase book?? A small compact mirror from Burger King with a picture of a lady on the back. His favorite Disney character, Jiminy Cricket. There were business cards from our wedding photographer, the jewelry store he bought my ring from, the athletic trainer he worked for at UOP and my business card from my short stint selling Rainbow vacuums. The video, his Chapman College student ID and a few other small items. The little purple thing is a picture viewer from Magic Mountain that has a picture of us inside. I have one also but it was still fun to find. I don’t have the exact picture to share but it’s from the same trip the picture below was taken on. 

After I pulled this box out I could see there were other boxes around it. I started to grab another then I decided I would wait for another day. There aren’t many Hidden Treasures left so I’m going to savor them as much as I can. I’ll let you know if we are able to view the video. 😊❤️❤️❤️

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Cherish

On Tuesday night I was at the Clovis East Scholarship awards for Camille. When it began, the couple sitting in front of me, who are friends of mine, reached out and grasped hands. A year ago this probably would have made me incredibly jealous. I would be lying if I said it doesn’t make me jealous at all now. But mostly it makes me happy to see this.

I’ve spent a lot of time on the appreciate your spouse bandwagon, so I love it when I see people doing just that! I’ve told my daughters that what I really want is for them to find someone to cherish them.


I found the above definition on Googke. “Protect and care for someone lovingly, hold dear, adore.”  You don’t hear this word used that often in everyday conversation but it’s the perfect description of what I think a relationship should be. I don’t have a magic formula for anyone to get this kind of relationship but I hope my daughters settle for nothing less.

Patrick cherished me and I cherished him. Our marriage wasn’t perfect. Most marriages are not fairy tales. I think a good marriage is actually very unglamorous. I know that I was so comfortable in my marriage that I didn’t worry if I woke up with my hair looking like a rat’s nest! I really don’t think I am an expert on marriage either. I just know that I was happy and I can tell you what that looked and felt like.

We were kind to each other. We didn’t belittle each other and if we had a problem we would work it out. We respected each other. We gave each other space when needed. We listened and comforted each other. He was my sounding board and I was his. Yes we annoyed each other at times but the good far outweighed the small annoyances.

I cursed at Patrick exactly one time and it upset him so much that I never did it again! We had gone skiing and it was probably my second time ever. Dawan rode up the chair lift with me and was patiently helping me. When Patrick got off the lift we had only gone around 50 feet so he came over to see what the hold up was. The hold up was that Danell was a lousy skier! I fell down every few yards (or was it feet or inches???). Patrick assessed the situation and made a true Patrick observation, “If you’re going to fall, you probably should avoid the big drifts of snow since they are hard to get up from.” As if I was strategically planning my falls! I simply said, “F$&@ you.” He was stunned. Dawan looked had him and said calmly, “Maybe it would be better if we met you at the bottom?” He liked to remind me of that any time I was annoyed with him. 😜

Do me a favor, just humor me… the next time you are annoyed with your spouse or partner, take a deep breath and imagine how annoyed you would be if they were gone! If needed, send them to the bottom of the hill for a break! I know it’s not always fun and games but try to appreciate them as often as possible because time is precious and so are relationships. 😊❤️❤️

 

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First Friday

Tonight was our monthly First Friday get together. Patrick liked to invite his brothers, cousins and friends over to soak in the jacuzzi and drink beer the first Friday of each month. Now we have a potluck each month for anyone in our huge extended family and friends. We have rotated to different houses and tonight we had it at Dina and Jeff’s place. They live two miles off Tollhouse road so it is very secluded. They invited everyone to camp out. It’s not exactly roughing it but I decided to be a good sport and sent my tent ahead with Denny. 

When Camille and I arrived they said we could sleep in the newly finished “apartment” that Jeff built above his barn. It’s been in the works for a while. The main house has a bathroom with a shower and Jeff wanted a bathtub. Patrick liked the idea of an apartment here because he loved hanging out with Jeff and if he stayed up here they could go fishing earlier. He joked that he might just move up here. 

We spent our last Easter together here with his family. Jeff had the apartment ready for the bathtub but the bathtub needed to be moved upstairs to the apartment. I think Patrick, Matt, Gabe and Jeff moved it and Pop supervised. It was kind of hilarious and a little terrifying watching them struggle with it but they got it done and Patrick was anxious for the apartment to be finished. Less than a month later he was gone. 

Driving up here I was very aware that it was my first time coming here without him. The road is very windy and it’s a little scary if you meet another car. Luckily we made it with no mishaps. I knew that Jeff had just finished the apartment so I was excited to see it. I got tears in my eyes when I saw the sign on the door, “Pat’s Apartment”. Dina had also added Patrick’s portrait on a metal print. It was perfect!

We spent the evening enjoying good food and good company! We had a fire pit and even roasted marshmallows! When we went to bed Camille said that overnight First Friday was the best!

I’m so blessed to be surrounded by so much family! And tonight I am enjoying the outdoor sounds AND the comfort of a foam mattress, running water and electricity! I’m very honored to be in Pat’s Apartment. I wish he could’ve seen it. But Camille summed it up perfectly, “Maybe it’s better he never saw it because then he would have left us to move up here!” Which is exactly the kind of thing her father would have said! 

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Saying goodbye

I had almost forgotten that there was another significant date last year. The day we said goodbye. The funeral.

I’m a night owl and although I should be asleep I checked the Facebook “On This Day” feed right after midnight. I’m sharing the posts with you as another example of the love that surrounded us and held us up when it was time to say goodbye. 






The picture is from our honeymoon cruise.



The band logo, designed by Patrick (and most of it hand drawn).











Ruth is a former co-worker who lost her daughter in a car crash earlier in the year.


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Patience – 1/21/17

This was originally published on 1/21/17. I still have a lot of blogs to transfer over from Tumblr but I needed this as I am going to reference it in another entry I am writing today!

“I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.”

Margaret Thatcher

The leader of my widow support group challenged us to pick one word for 2017. The instructions involved putting a little thought into it and I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it. With school work and all I didn’t really want another assignment. I thought it might take too long to figure it out, but then it came to me, “PATIENCE.”

This might seem like an odd choice for me. In some ways I am a very patient person. I also sometimes have a need for instant gratification. This is the reason I liked gambling so much, in fact, too much! Last year the girls and I spoiled ourselves a little so I had a lot of instant gratification (not gambling though). But we can’t live like that forever.

Patrick has been gone nine months today. Most of the time I wish I could travel back in time to spend more time with him or relive happy memories. I know that is not my reality so the rest of the time I wish I could fast forward to a time when the grief is not so bad. I know it will never go away but I have heard it does get somewhat easier and that’s where I want to be. The thing is, I have also heard that you can’t hold it in, you have to work through it. So that’s where patience comes in.

“No, no! The adventures first, explanations take such a dreadful time.”

Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

I need to accept that everything takes time. I can’t blink my eyes and be laughing and smiling all the time, I need to be patient. I want to be in better shape and lose weight. That won’t happen overnight and if I want to develop good habits, really lifestyle changes, I need to be patient.

I’ve talked about all of the different things I want to do to get organized and I know I can’t do them all at once. I have already been exercising some patience by just accepting that I will get things done as I get them done, it’s not going to happen overnight.

Patrick was much more patient than I am. I’m pretty sure that I probably tried to convince him that we should get married sooner but he stuck to the plan. Maybe the long (to me) wait for the proposal was a little lesson for me, be patient, good things are to come.

I think we could all use a little more patience in life. One thing I like about my new workouts is that we don’t spend too much time on any one exercise. So even if it is something I hate, or I am really tired, I know I just have to hang in there for a bit longer and then we will move on to something else. Patience is knowing that if you keep walking through the darkness, eventually there will be light again.

As hard as losing Patrick has been, I know I will experience joy, happiness and love again and again in my life. It’s not going to happen overnight, so I just have to be patient.

“Patience is power.
Patience is not an absence of action;
rather it is “timing”
it waits on the right time to act,
for the right principles
and in the right way.“

Fulton J. Sheen


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Calming the chaos – 1/13/17

This was originally published on my Tumblr blog and I hadn’t moved it over yet. I’m moving it now to go with a new post on the same topic!

In the aftermath of Patrick’s death there has been ongoing disorganization in my household. The initial disorganization was the chaos in my mind as I struggled to take what was once my dependable life and reorganize it into an unexpected future. I call this widow fog or grief fog and it still reappears at times.

Disorganization is actually a really good word for the mental state I have been in. Since early in our relationship we had been on this life path that was pretty carefully planned out. The plan went on and on but suddenly he was gone. I’m still trying to process the fact that the original plan is finished and the new plan is not complete. The remaining items in the plan mainly involved the girls. Get them through school, hopefully marriage someday and eventually grandchildren. Those things will still happen, just not as planned. The more obvious disorganization is in the house.

On the day he died and for weeks afterward I ceased to care about my house. Aside from my initial concern that it was cluttered, once the worst was confirmed I simply didn’t care. Other people took care of things. People brought food and things like water, paper plates, paper towels… different people cleaned up. Items found temporary new homes. Things needed to be done and everyone knew I didn’t care where they put the dishes after they were washed. I caused some disorganization as I searched for pictures and other items to display at the service. I was obsessed with capturing his essence and I seem to keep pictures in a lot of different places. I also spent time going through drawers and boxes looking for things. I didn’t care about putting things back exactly as I found them. We are approaching 9 months and I am still disentangling the chaos. Sometimes I just don’t understand how there is still so much.

The garage especially confounds me. Patrick had a weight machine in the garage. The area around it had to be clear in order for him to workout, which he did multiple times each week. That area is now one big pile of confusion. I finally figured out that there was a home for everything but Patrick’s preferred method of storage was based on the game Tetris. I’m convinced that there is only one way to put things back and only he knew that.

Some things belong in hard to reach places or involve a feat of physical strength to get them put away. Like most garages we probably need about 1/5 of the things we have in there. And I guarantee you that Patrick would have said it was a smaller number. A tenth, or even smaller. He always joked about renting a dumpster and putting most of what we own in it because, “We have too much stuff”.

I have a housekeeper now and I know he would definitely have an opinion about this. In fact I know what his opinion was. Even though we never had a housekeeper he always said that people had to clean up before the housekeeper came. Once this was done, why do you need a housekeeper? I am paying them to clean toilets, vacuum and dust. The biggest service they are providing is motivation. Every two weeks everything needs to be in it’s “home”, ready for the housekeepers. So far this has been accomplished by having a few off limits rooms. Last time I made it my mission to get the sunroom at a point where they could at least clean most of it. The loft/office area is next on the list.

I really can’t stress enough what a mental boost it is to have things clean and organized. Maybe it is just me and other people wouldn’t care? I try to go to Goodwill every week or two. I know I could have a garage sale but I am not willing to store items in anticipation of that. Sometimes you need to do it in stages. I did some organizing and downsizing in the kitchen over the summer and I am planning to do it again at some point. This week I tackled the spice cabinet, which was ridiculous! Who thought up the Tupperware spice containers? I had the full set, carefully labeled with various spices. I don’t normally cook very much! Patrick pretty much used salt, pepper, garlic and hot sauce. And did you know that most spices are really only good for around 12 months! I had no clue! And the spice companies are smart! A lot of them are not labeled with a use by date. So, you’re already at a disadvantage and then you put them in a Tupperware container with no date!!!??? I threw out at least 4/5 of the spices in the cabinet. I’m too embarrassed to tell you the oldest confirmed date on a spice but it was older than Sierra. 😂😂😂 And seriously, I bet the Tupperware ones were even older!

Yesterday I was working on the loft, going through pictures and greeting cards. I have a lot of random unused cards. I like to keep some on hand but I also forget to take them with a gift so I found several age specific children’s cards and I set them aside even though I probably won’t remember that I already have a card for a 2 year old’s birthday. I also found “To The Special Man I married”. I know there are more like this. We didn’t always make a big fuss about birthdays and I always intended to give him his card… But life is busy and a card for your spouse is not one that you quickly sign. There is so much to say. I really wish I had taken the time to write those words and give him that card. I’m not going to dwell on it, he knew I loved him. But if I had it to do over again…

Today I will organize a little more and I will keep working on it until everything has a place and is neatly stored there. Hopefully the organization will clear a little more of the fog. I need to be able to see what lies ahead on my new path.