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If I’m being honest…

Since Patrick died I have frequently been told how strong I am. I was always puzzled by this because I’ve never felt particularly strong. Recently I’ve been looking at it from a different angle and I think that I haven’t been completely honest.

I have always had a need for people around me to be happy and free from conflicts. Family tensions upset me so I’ve always been the peacemaker when needed. Grief is uncomfortable and awkward. I don’t like making people uncomfortable or sad. So I’ve probably suppressed some of my feelings. I’m not saying that I have all these feelings stuck inside, I do allow them to come out occasionally. But it is on my terms and usually when I’m alone.

I don’t know if the way I handle grief is good, bad, or normal. It’s just what I do and what has worked for me. Lately I’ve been trying to figure out why it works because there seem to be a lot of people who haven’t found a good way of dealing with their grief. I’m not saying that is bad. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I just don’t like people to be sad and I always want to cheer them up.

This is particularly noticeable in a Facebook group I belong to. People are at all different stages of grief and sometimes they are very fragile. I kind of tend to visit the group, not so much for comfort, but to provide hope that it does get a little easier. There are other people who play this role too. We try to get people to focus on the little things that make them happy and encourage them to look for joy.

If you want to sit home and cry I can’t stop you and I won’t judge you. I’ve been there. If you feel grief or sadness begin to consume you, do something about it. Do something you enjoy. Go for a walk. Read a book. Call a friend. Do something for someone else. You are always going to miss your loved one. I like to think that they don’t want our lives to end with theirs. Try to find joy and happiness. If you always try, eventually it will just find you.

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Alone in a crowd

The hardest things to write are also the easiest. There are many times when I have things to say that I’m afraid to say. So I agonize over them and try to find a way to find something to write that will be “okay”. You see, I don’t want anyone to worry about me. And I don’t want anyone to feel like they need to fix me or take care of me. So, I try to think of an acceptable topic. Or I write something that I have no intention of posting. Occasionally I just decide to go for it and write what I’m really feeling. That’s when it becomes easy because I have no trouble expressing myself when I’m being honest.

I am really lonely. I’m not alone at all. I spend a lot of time with my kids. I spent a ton of time with family today and I had a great time. I just miss having someone to share my heart with. For some reason I don’t think everyone gets this? Maybe what I had with Patrick was unique but I really don’t think so. I just had this subconscious feeling of love and security. Certainly a lot of that had to do with Patrick but some of it just comes from being in a committed relationship. I guess that I’ve had that for so long that it’s hard to function without it.

I don’t want to jump into a relationship because I’m “lonely” or I “need” someone. But it sure is hard to wait! When I first started dating I thought being a widow would almost be an asset. I know that sounds awful but I am someone who knows how to stay in a long-term, committed relationship. A lot of the people who are dating at my age have been in multiple relationships. I’m not saying that I’m better than them but I didn’t realize that it might be a barrier. Apparently it’s very intimidating.

I grew up believing in fairy tale love stories. I’m a romantic at heart. I’ve spent a lot of time this month watching the sappy Christmas love stories on the Hallmark channel. I’ve always believed in “true love” and “soul mates”. Honestly, prior to now, I might have questioned someone in my situation who could seemingly forget about their true love and move on to someone else. I’m here to tell you that it’s not that simple. Yes, I believe that Patrick is in heaven and yes, I believe we will be reunited someday. And if I find someone else I truly believe Patrick will be happy for me. I think that in heaven there is no jealousy and it’s possible to be reunited with more than one true love. And it won’t be awkward because they don’t have that there either!

I know this sounds really corny but I feel strongly that I’m not meant to be alone. I’m not going to be burdened with guilt if I find someone else. If you had asked me this before Patrick died or even right after I’m sure I would have said I could never love anyone else. I really believed that because it fit right in with the whole fairy tale concept of love. Life is not a fairy tale though. Marriages either end in divorce or death. If you think about it, there was never going to be a happy ending. What a downer, right? Most people are going to face something like this one day. You can choose to go with the sad ending or you can make it a part two, a new chapter.

That’s where I’m at right now. I know I will have a part two and I don’t think it will be a solo act. I just need to keep working on patience…

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Impatience

Dating sucks! It sucks because I can’t write about it! It sucks because I feel like I don’t know how to do it! But mainly it sucks because I shouldn’t have any reason to be dating! I did the dating thing. I chose well. I shouldn’t be alone.

I guess I’m having a pity party. And honestly I don’t really even have a reason to. I didn’t really have a bad experience or anything. I just feel like a teenager and it seems like this should be easier at age 50. I hate it so much that maybe I should just be single.

My word of 2017 is patience and I’m beginning to think I’m going to have to carry it in to 2018. Is that allowed? I wanted to find Mr. Right without having to play the ridiculous dating games. I don’t want to kiss a lot of frogs! I’m impatient!

At work we had to create a development plan every year. I never liked spending a lot of time on it because after a while my true goal was to have a dream job fall into my lap or to become independently wealthy and never have to work again. Who cares about developing at a job that you don’t want to be at anymore? So a lot of times I would carry goals forward. I always put time management on there because no matter who you are, there are always better ways to manage your time. So maybe I will have to carry patience into 2018 because I definitely haven’t learned it.

People who are dating at my age have more than likely spent some time being single. They may not want to be alone but a lot of them seem pretty set in their routine. And more than once i have wondered why some of them are even dating when they have difficulty finding time to actually spend with you. Maybe they are out dating other people?

When Patrick and I were dating we were always trying to find ways to spend time together. Most of the time we were in different cities. There were no cell phones, no email. It was snail mail or long distance phone calls. We did both. Maybe it is actually SO easy to stay in touch now that we take it for granted. And not just in dating. I know there are people I should reach out to more often. But reaching out takes no effort at all and I always plan to “do it tomorrow”. And then tomorrow I plan to do it the next day… Sometimes I send a text when I know a call would mean more. My point is that it is so easy to just assume someone will be there whenever you decide to contact them.

I don’t plan to be single forever. And I hate writing that because I truly am not advertising for a date! But I have to let some of my frustration out and this is how I do it. I guess I just thought the whole process would be easier.

I think I am just going stir crazy since I have somewhat limited mobility and I can’t drive. The good news is that I am getting out of the house for a few days and going to the happiest place on earth, where I will ride an electric scooter around, enjoy time with my daughter and friends and forget about the dating games! I will try to learn some patience but I hear the scooter will let me cut to the front of at least some of the rides, so yeah, instant gratification.

Ok, this pity party is over. Disneyland, here we come!

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Cheers to 50 years!

I almost made it to age 50 without ever breaking a bone. When I think about it, that’s actually kind of a miracle because I’m really a klutz! At least I made it through my party before it happened!

I’m turning 50 on December 1st. I guess I like birthdays alright but I never really felt like I “had” to have a party. This is a milestone though and I wanted to think of a way to commemorate it. So I decided I wanted to spend it at Disneyland. I love Disneyland and Patrick really didn’t like it as much as I did. So I planned for Sierra and I to go with my friend Shelly and her daughter Abby. I made reservations and we were all set!

Then Sierra reminded me that she is taking the LSAT on December 2nd! So, going to Disneyland right before that? Probably not a good idea. So we had to move it back a week.

In the meantime we went to a Halloween party thrown by Pamela Henri. I get massages at her house and she has this awesome barn with a stage and all. An 80’s cover band played at the party and as I danced I decided that this was how I wanted to spend my birthday. I knew it was a little extravagant but I also knew it would be a blast. So I planned a 50th Birthday Bash!

Everyone felt bad that I was planning my own party but I enjoyed doing it. And honestly, everyone else did most of the work on the day of the party. We had Luna’s Italian food, an awesome dessert bar and plenty of beer and wine. I got semi dressed up and felt stylish in my high heels, which I don’t wear very often!

I danced the night away! And although I danced a little enthusiastically and might have taken my daughters down in a collision with the stage (and Pamela, who was singing), no one was injured! At the end of the night I was driven home and walked upstairs to take off my heels and put my not-so-stylish Croc slippers on. On the way back down my foot slipped and pain shot through my ankle. I was fairly drunk at the time so the fact that I felt any pain made me realize it was not good.

I put ice on it and wrapped it but didn’t get much sleep. I went to urgent care today and an X-ray confirmed that I had a fracture.

And of course I miss my physical therapist! Cathy took me to urgent care and picked up crutches for me afterward. She helped me get settled at home and Sierra will help me too. But it’s not the same. There’s no one else that I would ask to pull me up off the toilet or really any of the undignified things about being injured. I know he would have made jokes about it all but that’s part of the reason this makes me miss him! We got through many situations with humor!

I’m told that a break is an easier recuperation than a bad sprain so hopefully it won’t be too bad. And it’s not like there is any shortage of PTs among family and good friends, but I miss MY PT.

I am glad that it happened after the party. I had so much fun celebrating with family and friends! It made me so happy to be around so many people I love for a happy occasion! I have a lot to be thankful for! I’ll try to focus on that instead of my foot! Lol

PS. Here are a few toasts from the party!

Sierra’s Toast

Dawan, Denise, & Dad

Cathy’s Toast

Mom teNyenhuis

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Floorball

Yesterday I was on Facebook and noticed the Fresno Floorball Club’s post about their league championship game last night. I saw that Hand of Doom was in the championship and I was pretty sure my nephew, Connor, played on that team. I texted him to confirm and while I was waiting I looked through photos.

Patrick started playing floorball many years ago, probably 10 or more. He usually played every Tuesday. He would come home sore and tired and tell me how awful he was. He did seem to enjoy it. I went and watched him a handful of times and then I just didn’t. It’s one of those things I wish I had done more.

After Patrick died I found a post on the floorball page talking about losing him and it was very touching. I also heard from multiple sources that he was a great teammate and they loved playing with him. In typical Patrick style, he had downplayed his value to the team.

As I was looking through the photos I came across the group shot from his Team championship. I noticed that it was posted on April 15th and I realized that it could very well be that last photo that was ever taken while he was alive. (I suspect there might be other last photos and hopefully I will never have to see them). I walked in to show Sierra and her eyes teared up. I had thought all along that the concert photos were the last pictures.

As I thought about it more I remembered that his birthday was on a Wednesday, which meant that the 15th would have fallen on a Friday. Floorball games were on Tuesdays. I searched more and finally determined that the picture was taken on the 12th and was not the last picture. Then I felt bad for making Sierra cry. I realized that it might have been more upsetting because I thought the last picture was of him and the girls. I mentioned this to her and she said, “No mom, the last picture is him standing there copying the Paul McCartney poster.” I remembered the photo and I’ve posted it on here before. Here it is again. I think if he had to choose a last photo, this might have been the one. 😂😂

I did end up going to the championship game. Patrick’s Team, Physiomotion, was playing for 3rd place when I arrived. I watched the end of their game and then said hello to a few of the guys. I didn’t know them that well but I was happy to meet them. Unfortunately Hand of Doom lost the championship but I was still glad I went. It’s always good to visit places where he spent time.

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A visit with Camille

This week I got to visit Camille for the first time since dropping her off. I took my mom to Elk Grove for minor surgery (it went well) and we got to take Camille to dinner and visit her dorm. I was so excited to see her and I could tell she was happy that we were there. As we sat next to each other at dinner she snuggled up against me. Still the strong, independent, college student but forever my baby girl.

I’m not sure if we ever went six weeks without seeing Sierra because she always had a car at school and came home frequently. We were excited to see her every single time. Patrick, Camille, and I would anxiously wait for her and check the door every time we thought it might be her. Our house would seem whole once she arrived.  One of the hardest parts of the day Patrick died, was being away from Sierra. When she finally arrived, hours later, the three of us hugged each other and sobbed. We really haven’t liked being apart since then.

Yesterday, Camille took the train home for her first visit, almost seven weeks after we dropped her off. She texted us multiple times during the trip and Sierra was also very excited. When we got to the train station I kept refreshing Find My Friends so that I could see her getting closer and closer. When the train finally pulled in, she texted that she had seen us. We looked across the crowd and when Sierra finally saw her, she handed her phone to me and ran to hug her. As they pulled apart they both wiped tears from their eyes. I am so happy that they love each other so much.

Camille is the same, yet different. She seems mature and confident and has been studying all day today. She has made a lot of friends and introduced me to a few when I visited. I know it hasn’t been easy for her to be away. She shared with me that one of the hardest parts is that no one knows about her Dad. This is always hard when you meet someone new. The fact that you’ve lost someone who was part of you is such a huge part of your identity but it’s not something you want to just blurt out. It’s always good when it comes up in conversations.

I can’t help but imagine what this weekend would be like if Patrick were still here. We both would have been so excited and happy to see her and we would have talked about how proud we are of both of the girls. It reminded me of the weekend Sierra surprised us. He had just finished a rough week and he was so happy to see her. We always agreed that it was so nice knowing the whole family was home. This weekend I’m experiencing that wonderful feeling of having both girls home. I just wish he was here too.

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I love my 80’s music!

I wrote the post about the happy Timehop memory and literally the next three days of Facebook memories were all about the arrest and arraignment. Maybe that memory was there to prepare me for the not so nice ones?

That’s what always happens. I’m going along thinking how good I’m doing and then all of the sudden I’m brought back to reality. Last night I went to a Halloween party with an 80’s cover band. This particular party has been thrown for years and I got the feeling that most of the crowd knew each other. The hostess is the lead singer in a band and I imagine the crowd was probably people who regularly went up her shows over the years. Being there reminded me of the days we used to go and listen to live bands. Particularly the Sleestacks, which was the band that included Patrick’s friend Joe Reinartz, his cousin Damian Prandini, and friends Mike Niehoff and Ron (Doc) Morse. I had a blast being a groupie and was sad when the group broke up!  Joe was in other bands over the years and they were all good but we had the most fun with the Sleestacks. 

So I was already feeling a bit melancholy and then “I’ll Melt With You” came on. This wasn’t a meaningful song for us but it just made me think of that time and miss Patrick a little more. When the lead singer announced that the next song was by The Cure I just knew what song it would be and sure enough, it was “Just Like Heaven”, OUR song. I cursed to myself and then looked up and there was Sierra, smiling and motioning for me to come dance. Of course, she knew.

The rest of the night I had a pretty good time and wasn’t sad. My friend Linda was also there and we enjoyed dancing to all the old 80’s songs! A year ago it would have been more sadness and less good time so there has definitely been progress. But I won’t pretend that I don’t still have moments when I get overwhelmed by memories. 

Having Sierra home is definitely helpful. Although we have discovered that we occasionally get annoyed with each other. The other day she was feeling sick and made a comment about how it was making her grumpy. I said something like, “Oh, that’s a temporary thing?” She immediately gave me a dirty look but then started laughing. It was exactly the kind of thing her Dad would have said so I reached up toward heaven for a high five. Sarcasm and laughter are important in this house and I’m determined to carry that forward!

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Timehop

Have you ever done the writing assignment where you take a random picture and write a story about it? This picture reminds me of that. To the casual observer it’s a pretty odd or random picture. I looked at it and thoughts just poured out of me.

I only recently downloaded the Timehop app. I regularly check Facebook’s “On This Day” feature to see what I posted. Timehop checks all of your social media and your camera roll. This was just a random picture and you might wonder why I even took it. 

Obviously the original focus was on the dog. My sister’s dog, Toby, has spent a lot of time here since she has had jobs that require her to travel. So I have a habit of sending her pictures when he’s being funny or cute. I saw the picture in my Timehop and started to scroll to the next picture before I noticed the rest of the picture.

I’m sitting on my bed with one leg stretched out. I clearly have some sort of issue with my foot. You might think it’s sweet or affectionate that Patrick is rubbing my foot. But, if you look at his hands you will see the hands of a Physical Therapist. He’s applying pressure and manipulating my foot. I don’t remember what was wrong, definitely something minor. He was probably just thrilled that he had to work on it, but he never said no. And, it wasn’t a tender foot rub I’m sure! Sometimes his therapy was painful, but he was very good and he always fixed whatever issue I had. 

Toby thought he would just make himself comfortable right in the middle of this! I’m sure I texted the picture to Denise to show her. And I usually don’t delete the Toby pictures so I managed to capture this random moment that has so much meaning to me!

This is what Love looks like! October 25, 2013 was a Friday. I’m sure Patrick had worked all week and was ready to relax. But he took a few minutes to take away my pain. He might have grumbled but he always took care of me. I know I drove him crazy at times but he was always right there. This captures so many moments of my marriage and I am so glad that crazy little dog made this possible!

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Intertwined

Eighteen months and 4 days later and I still have outstanding tasks on the death paperwork list. You never realize how intertwined your lives are. I receive electronic statements on every account that offers them so I really don’t see the constant reminders in the mail. Things like bank accounts needed to be changed because he had one in his name only. You change the things like auto insurance, AAA, and Costco because it saves money, at least in theory. A few things were only in my name because I handled all of the bills. However, we always seem to make the husband the primary account holder and when this is the case you sometimes have to close the account. 

Today I called PG&E and it took me two minutes to take his name off the account. Such a huge task that I waited so long to do. I usually prefer to make the calls when I’m alone. Not that I’m doing anything secret but it’s kind of a sad task and I just don’t want to subject anyone else to this. Sometimes that can’t be avoided, like the time we were checking out at PetSmart and they pulled up our Pet Perks account and verified that it was in Patrick’s name (so I had them change it right then).

I previously mentioned the fiasco with our Amazon Rewards credit card and the fiasco that happened when I closed that account. When I called to close it there was a $72 balance and I paid it over the phone. Somehow it ended up being a credit so they sent a check to “The Estate of Patrick teNyenhuis”. There is no estate because he had no will. So then you have to figure out what to do with the check. Luckily I asked my fellow widows and they said to just call and request a new check in my name. I finally did that today and it was as easy as they said. 

I’m sure Patrick would laugh that it is so much work to get his name off things. He would find something like that funny. He would make a comment about it being hard to get rid of him. He would probably want me to emulate him when I made the phone calls and harass the people for no particular reason but I can’t bring myself to do that. 

So now I’m down to only a handful of accounts. One is the home loan and they want copies of things, which is funny since the title is now in my name. One of my credit card companies once wanted paperwork to change my name. So, 24 years later, that credit card says Danell Boyles. Maybe I will get around to changing the home loan, or maybe not lol. Maybe I like having these outstanding items? I’m in no rush. No matter what, he will always be a part of me. 

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Beer and a soak

In the last 18 months there have been multiple times I have had people come by to get estimates or do various types of work in the house are yard. I always try to be careful and not announce that I am a widow. Most of the time it’s really difficult to avoid. They will start asking me questions about the type of motor or how old something is. I answer the questions that I can but there is always this awkwardness where I imagine them wondering why I know so little and inevitably I tell them. And I always feel on the verge of tears when I do. It’s just a combination of frustration that I don’t know what I’m doing and, of course, sadness because of the reason. 

Yesterday I called someone about having the jacuzzi removed. We probably haven’t used it in a year or more but I left it turned on, even though it was almost empty. I’m probably lucky it didn’t burn up or something. I knew I should deal with it but I just didn’t have the will to do it. I’m sure part of it was sentimental. 


When we moved in there was a gazebo in the corner of the yard. You can see it in the picture above. It was somewhat flimsy, I know there’s a name to describe the style but I never remember these things, Patrick would know… Anyway, our friend Dave Cruce was doing real estate and he had a seller who needed to get rid of a jacuzzi. We paid to have it craned in and it was ours. Dave’s fee was lifetime use of the jacuzzi, swimsuits optional. 🤣 Thank god Shelly keeps him in line and he never took advantage of that privilege! Patrick planned the ultimate jacuzzi hideaway and enlisted our brother-in-law, Jeff Young, to build a roof on top of the gazebo structure. This required four large logs as support. Multiple relatives were enlisted to lay concrete, get the electricity ready and build the roof. When it was done the term gazebo was no longer worthy. The new structure was a cross between the Parthenon and a gazebo so we called it a Parthebo! 

When it was finished it became one of Patrick’s favorite places to wind down. Joe Reinartz (his “only” friend), had an old TV that he put out there. It was never hooked up to the satellite but he would watch whatever he could find on network TV. The girls and I used it occasionally and it got a lot of use during parties, but he used it the most. I couldn’t find a picture with him using it so here’s one from a party. 


He liked to invite his brothers and mine, cousins, and friends over for “a soak”. He didn’t even mention the beer, that was a given. Eventually he decided to give them a standing invitation to come over on the first Friday of each month. He loved First Fridays. I’m sure there were many corny jokes told and memories shared. For the first year after he died we had First Friday get togethers for family and friends and we will probably have more so that we can continue his tradition. 

Patrick had been talking for some time about getting rid of the jacuzzi. He and Matt had decided they could cut it up with chainsaws and move it out in pieces. He always joked that he was going to turn the Parthebo into a small apartment and he would move there when “Danell gets sick of me”. As if that would have ever happened!

I debated keeping the jacuzzi but realistically I need less complicated things to take care of! So I called the guy and he looked at it and said he could have it out in about 30 minutes. Patrick would have been amazed that two guys took it out with no chainsaws and only one furniture dolly! So, another chapter closes and I have one less thing to worry about but a lot of great memories!