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Triggers

I’m supposed to be sleeping. I’m supposed to be in a good place. I’m happy and I have an amazing husband. I also apparently have some unresolved grief.

On Sunday, when I saw the breaking news alert about Kobe Bryant, I immediately thought of my good friends Lisa Walthall and Diana Durham. They are both huge Lakers fans and they’ve each taken me to Lakers games. I imagined that it would hit them hard. I enjoy any professional sports but I don’t really follow them a lot. I ran downstairs to tell Bruce the news and then I sat down in front of the TV and obsessively watched the news for hours. And I got sadder and sadder. Sierra texted Camille and I to say “I love you”. I asked if they had heard the news and they had and Sierra said that’s why she had texted. We texted back and forth a bit about how awful it was and then I continued watching the news.

I tend to be a news junkie when something bad happens. I worried that Bruce would think I was obsessed but honestly I WAS obsessed! Who was in the helicopter with him? How many children did he have? Were they with him? at first the news said there were five people. This is going to sound terrible but at one point I thought he had 3 kids. So, if he happened to be the pilot of his helicopter, it was possible he was flying the whole family. So then I was agonizing over whether or not they would all be in there. As horrible as that would have been, it would have meant that no one was left behind. Then I found out he had 4 daughters and I felt sick at the thought that possibly one member of the family was left behind. What if it was a kid? How do you come back from that?

After several hours I started realizing that I had probably watched enough. I was going to turn off the tv but I watched a news conference first. And they said there were 9 people on the plane!!! Once again I obsessed over the possible scenarios, each worse than the others. Finally I turned off the tv, spent time with Bruce and tried to feel better. By then it was evening. I went to bed wondering why this was hitting me so hard.

Once in bed, I still couldn’t sleep. I thought about Nancy Saltzman, who loss her husband and two sons in a plane crash. I credit her book, Radical Survivor, for giving me hope in those early days. I was positive that if I had lost Patrick AND the girls, I would not have wanted to live without them. If Nancy could survive that, surely I could survive losing my husband and still having my daughters.

I checked Nancy’s Facebook page and she hadn’t posted anything but she had shared a post from Michelle Neff Hernandez, who I recognized as the founder of Soaring Spirits International, a support group for widows and widowers. I’m putting a link to the full message below but basically it talked about wondering how Vanessa Bryant was coping and recognizing that some of us have gone through similar losses.

Facebook Post

After reading that, everything fell into place. Even though this tragedy was not the exact circumstances, it was close enough to trigger painful memories. I also know I’m not alone, many of my fellow widows and others who have lost loved ones were also feeling incredibly sad.

I drove to work Monday wondering if I was fit to do counseling. I have an ethical duty to monitor my fitness to counsel. I felt ok but I also continued to monitor myself. At one point I talked to my coworker, Andrew, and shared what I was feeling. He validated my feelings and reassured me. That night I talked a bit more about what I had been feeling and Bruce thanked me for sharing and asked how he could help. Did I mention that he is wonderful?

As the week wore on I wasn’t really feeling any better. I talked about it during supervision at work and decided I should probably go back to counseling myself. I’m realizing that there are certain parts of this journey that I have not let myself feel. It’s easy to do. In fact, people told me I was doing it and I really didn’t believe them. Sometimes suppressing feelings is a survival mechanism and I did what I needed to do. But I pushed a lot deep inside me and now it needs to get out.

Last night I was at a low point and I cuddled up with Bruce and told him the story of that day. I thought I had already told him. I thought I talked about it all the time. But apparently I mainly share happy memories. I shared all of the really painful ones and had a good cry. It was a good start to a new journey I have to take. Since I’m a counselor now I’ve decided that this is a learning opportunity for me. I’m going to try a few different approaches and I’m going to try and write more, since that really helps me. As always, thank you to everyone for your support. ❤️❤️❤️

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Busy, tired, and grateful

I find myself with very little time to write these days and I really miss it. I am going through the most intense, stressful, and wonderful time right now! Sometimes it’s hard to balance it all but it will be worth it in the long run.

Bruce and I moved into our new home in mid July. I started my practicum the next week. Some days I still can’t believe I’ve made it this far. Since graduating from Fresno State nearly 30 years ago, I have never had a job that I loved this much. I never felt adequate as a teacher. Aetna was a good career and I don’t regret it but it didn’t give me a lot of satisfaction. I sometimes worried that I was just doomed to fail.

Over the last few years I felt pretty good about what I was learning and I thought I would like it but I worried that I would feel unprepared and awkward. I was not at all sure what my practicum would be like. Many of my classmates are at sites where they shadow another counselor, at least initially. At my site they did some training and then I started seeing clients on my own. All of my notes are reviewed and signed by my supervisor and I have been observed a few times but basically I am allowed to counsel on my own and it’s been wonderful!

Don’t get me wrong, I still have a LOT to learn and I know I will improve over time. But I feel like I am helping my clients. They don’t always make huge gains between sessions and some only come for one session but I feel really good about the work I have done. And I am so grateful for this opportunity!

I am only doing this because of Patrick. When he died I thought my life was pretty much over too. Then I saw the love that everyone had for him and for the girls and I. I saw the many lives he touched and it made me want to do something more with my life. I will miss him every day for the rest of my life. I will mourn for all the time we did not get with him. Most of all I will mourn for all the important things he will miss out on. But I’m not sad anymore.

I am grateful for the full life I have now. I live in a beautiful home with a man I love dearly. I have two incredible, amazing, brilliant, and beautiful daughters. My life is both less and more than I ever dreamed. I choose to be happy and I choose to love.

Next month I will be taking the National Clinical Mental Health Counseling Exam (NCMHCE) so I probably won’t be writing or doing much of anything except go to work and study. In November we will be married. I’m still amazed that this is my life! And I am very grateful!

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Unexpected Love Story Part 3 – New Home, New Future

I’ve known Bruce for almost 12 months now, yet it seems like much longer. There are so many reasons we fell in love. I want to backtrack a little bit and tell you some of the things I love about Bruce and about our story.

Bruce treats me like a queen. He always opens the car door for me, even if I’m the one driving! And he tells me I’m beautiful every day.

Our favorite thing to do is anything we do together. It doesn’t need to be anything fancy. We genuinely enjoy spending time together! And Bruce loves his children, which is another reason I love him! When we first started dating he pulled out a picture of he and his girls at one of the Freedom Elementary father-daughter dances. I pulled up a picture of Patrick and my girls at the same dance! Denny was also there with his girls! Such a small world!

In early February we visited our first model home. As I mentioned in my last post, we went there to get ideas for my remodel. Bruce took me to the Granville models to show me one of his favorite models, the “Bella”. We looked at all of their models and as we walked around we discussed the things we both wanted in our next home. We originally wanted a one story home, with at least 4 bedrooms, a walk-in pantry, 3-car garage, a makeup vanity for me, and of course, lots of space to have family over. I always thought I would downsize and we both thought we were a little ridiculous for looking at bigger houses. In the end we decided we wanted space for the kids, even if they’re not here much. And we wanted a great house for having family get togethers in. So we bought a large Wathen Castanos “spec” home. It was still being built but close to being done. We didn’t get to pick any finishes but we loved everything about it!

The last 6 months have been a whirlwind of activity and that’s why I haven’t blogged much. Getting my house ready for paint and flooring and putting both houses on the market took a ton of time. I’ll write more about the whole process but I wanted to catch you up on everything!

Bruce’s house sold first and he was waiting for that to happen in order to make a particular purchase. He was out of town when it closed. When he got back in town we went to look at rings and we were both impatient so he bought it on June 30th. I still consider our first model home visit the true proposal! When we got in the car I asked him to put the ring on my finger. Then we FaceTimed my dad so he could officially ask his permission. The camera was on Bruce and when my dad said “of course” I turned it to me and said, “Good answer!” as I waved my ring at him! Two weeks later we got the keys to our new home and moved in that Saturday. On Monday, July 15th I started my counseling practicum. Who knew so many wonderful things could happen at the same time? We haven’t really begun planning…once I get more settled in at work and unpacked at home we can work on wedding plans…and maybe take a nap!

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Unexpected Love Story – Part 2 – Meet the Family

I am the first to admit that dating me is a lot! Bruce is an only child and only grandchild so it was somewhat of a culture shock when he met my family. He actually met the teNyenhuis side first! I tried to introduce him to small groups at a time but that is a challenge when we spend so much time together. After a month of dating he met all of my siblings and helped us move into the beach house. I introduced him and he was immediately put to work carrying furniture up stairs and putting things together. We still had things to buy so I left him with the guys while Dawan and I went shopping for a few hours. He likes to say I left him for 10 hours but don’t believe him!

Everyone seemed to like him and that made me very happy! But I knew things were going well when I overheard Tom talking to my Dad the next morning. The conversation was something like this, “We we’re trying to do … then Bruce said… we did this… Bruce thought we could… Bruce suggested…”. You get the picture, he fit so seamlessly into the family!

Then he met more family. Then I took him to the Boyles family reunion, then Ravioli Day. He was proud when he could remember a few names and then I would introduce him to more. We spent Christmas Eve and morning with my family and then I took him to Prandini Christmas. After each big event I gave hm space to decompress. And then he was always ready to meet more people!

Boyles Family Reunion!

In September I had a small flood at my house and it was in a state of disrepair for months. I couldn’t decide what to do. Should I have it repaired? Should I have additional work done? I thought about doing a kitchen remodel and Bruce suggested I get ideas from model homes. He told me he enjoyed visiting the models and there were a few he really liked. We had a blast looking at the models and I found myself imagining what the future might hold. Then he asked if I might like to buy a house together. I’m sure I had a big grin on my face when I told him that I would love that! Then he added that of course he would want to marry me! My grin got even bigger!

We started looking at more houses and I decided not to remodel my kitchen. Instead I started getting it ready to sell.

Even before the conversation at the model home we had talked hypothetically about moving in together. Bruce’s house was nice but it had limited parking and that would not work for family get-togethers! My house made more sense but I worried that it would be hard for Bruce to feel like it was his home. We decided it would be better to move to a house that was ours together.

Next step, find our new home. I’ll tell you all about it in my next post!

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Unexpected Love Story Part 1 – We Meet

A year after Patrick died I wrote about my experience so far. In One Year Later I described what it felt like to be going on a familiar path and then having everything change in the blink of an eye. I tried to describe how, in the midst of so much sadness, there were still moments of unexpected happiness.

As I entered the second year I started thinking about dating. I have to say that I probably had the idea that I would find someone I was comfortable with, who would be a good companion. They might have faults but I would put up with them because I hated being alone. I didn’t even dare to hope that I would actually find someone I could truly love!

Bruce and I met on OK Cupid last August. I don’t remember who contacted the other first but we not swiped right and started talking on Monday, August 13th (Happy Birthday Shayna Danell 😉). Here is one of his profile pics. I love that it says we like each other!

I seem to remember that we switched to phone calls early on, which I really enjoyed. His profile said he lived in Clovis so I asked him what part of town and he told me his cross streets were Ashlan and Locan and those also happen to be my cross streets! 👀 👀 I think I might have actually looked out the window at that point. 😂 Fortunately he wasn’t a stalker and had lived just across Locan from me for the last 4 years. In fact we have lived less than a mile from each other for the last 16 years. Our kids were in different grades but went to all the same schools together! We made plans to go to dinner that Saturday night but as that got closer I suggested that we meet for coffee on Friday. I met him at Starbucks and we were so comfortable that he suggested we go to dinner. He gave me the option of taking separate cars but of course I wanted to ride in his cute little convertible!

The next night he picked me up for the dinner date we had originally planned. Once again, we were enjoying each other’s company so much that we decided to extend the date and go see a movie (Crazy Rich Asians). From that point on we talked multiple times per day and saw each other almost daily, sometimes walking the short distance between our houses. Usually we would meet in the middle.

I want to get this story right so I decided to divide it up into several parts. I will post more tomorrow!

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Like it was yesterday…and also a lifetime ago

Twenty seven years ago today! I remember the day so clearly! I was probably awake in bed, too excited to sleep. My dad spent the night in the apartment with me and that was really nice. Patrick was at his parent’s house. The day and really the rest of my life were planned out perfectly. Large wedding with everyone we loved. ✔️ Honeymoon cruise. ✔️ Buy a house ✔️ Two to three kids in four to five years. ✔️

I could go on and on. I’ve said it before. ALL of my dreams came true except one, to grow old together. And I think the fact that I was so happy and had such a good life has enabled me to move forward and remember him with smiles instead of tears.

It’s difficult to sort out my feelings these days. I have so much to be thankful for and I’ve experienced love and happiness that I didn’t think was possible. But I still have moments where I think, “Oh yeah, THAT happened”. I don’t think those will ever completely go away and I probably wouldn’t want them to. I’m grateful that Bruce is comfortable with me talking to him about Patrick. I couldn’t handle having to suppress those feelings!

I finally got all of the work on the house finished and it sold in TWO DAYS!!! It’s a little crazy that I made the house so nice and now I’m leaving! And I do have a lot of memories here but I feel that it’s time to start fresh. I can’t wait to move into our new home, probably in about two weeks!!!

In one week I finish my last non-practicum class! Then I start my practicum and I will officially be counseling! People will trust me with their mental well being! I hope I’m up to the task!

So what would Patrick say about all this? He would make some self-deprecating comment about Bruce. Maybe he would say that it’s about time I got a decent man. Then he would ask if he could drive Bruce’s convertible! He might say he always knew I would trade him in for a newer model but he’s not surprised I picked another 1967 model. Because that was an awesome year!

I think he would like my career choice. It’s not something we ever discussed so who knows?

Happy Anniversary Patrick! I will always love you!

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Joy

My word of the year never really seemed to fit. Yes, there are things I want to build on, but another word chose me. A few years ago I went on a field trip with Camille to an Asian museum in San Francisco. I found a book called, “Tidying Up – The Japanese Art of Decluttering”. Decluttering has been a goal of mine for some time so I bought the book and started reading it on the bus ride back to Clovis. Then I got home, got busy with life, and forgot about it.

I spent a lot of time uncluttering during the first months after Patrick died. Having the house more organized was good for my mental state. And making small changes in the house was also good. In fact, I think it was part of the grieving process. Making changes helped a lot and I wrote several blogs about it.

All the things we accumulate

Calming the chaos

Decluttering worked for a while but I was just scratching the surface. I needed more inspiration!

Right after I met Bruce I had a small flood at my house and my house has not been back to normal since then. Did I mention that Bruce doesn’t like clutter? It’s amazing that he can even spend time in my house. Fortunately I want to live a clutter-free life so that has been my focus. Several months ago I noticed a new series on Netflix called “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”. I was intrigued by it, especially when I realized she was the author of the book I had bought! I began watching the show and committed myself to the Konmari method! I’ve probably watched each episode at least 10 times! I keep it on in the background while I declutter in the hope that it will imprint on my subconscious! 😂 😝 😆

The basic premise of the Konmari method is that you only keep items that bring you joy. Some of it sounds really corny but it has been a great method for me. It’s not a quick fix. You go through one category at a time so you have to be patient and disciplined. But it works! If you want to try it, watch her show on Netflix or buy one of her books! I highly recommend them!

I can’t stress enough how much this decluttering helps my mood and stress levels!

I had to pause the tidying up a bit because I am getting the house ready to sale. That means fresh paint and new flooring. So I’ve been moving things from one room to another, packing things up to put in storage, and getting rid of things. And of course I’ve found a lot of memories. 💕 And they definitely bring me joy!

Here are a few pics of my progress and some of the memories I found.

Before and after pics of organizing my drawers.

One of many trips to the Salvation Army.

Patrick at Footlocker Nationals with the Mikel t-shirts we wore. Thank you Lisa for giving us all a photo cd in 2004!

As I was deciding if this book brought me joy, a photo fell out.

This is my grandpa, and the picture brought me joy! The book is a keeper!

From Lisa’s cd, Patrick holding Katie! ❤️

Patrick and Travis at one of our 4th of July parties!

My newly painted front door!

Progress and a little chaos!

New carpet in my bedroom!

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Three Years

Exactly three years ago, April 20th, just after midnight, I only had a few hours left with Patrick and I didn’t even know it. He went to bed before I did so I was probably still awake at this point. When I got in bed he was sound asleep. And when he woke up, I was sound asleep. It’s so crazy to think about it. I try to stay away from thinking “what if” but it’s inevitable. That day will forever replay in my mind and it is still mind-boggling that it even happened.


The girls both got home today and that made me very happy. As I waited, I checked the Find My Friends app frequently, as the dots representing them got closer and closer. We didn’t use that back then. I think I tried to use it but it kept getting mysteriously turned off. Now it is a comfort for us to always know where the others are, especially since they are at opposite ends of the state! Today I couldn’t help but remember our reunion in the driveway when Sierra got in from LA that day. We held each other and sobbed but I was so relieved to have them with me.


I thank God for my girls. Well, God, and Patrick. They were my reason to keep going and I am so proud of them. I wish Patrick could be here in person to see it but I know he is always with us in spirit.

As time has passed, the pain has become more bearable, but it will always be there. I focus instead on the happy memories and I try to live life being grateful for all that I have had. I am blessed that I had almost 30 years with Patrick. And I have to say that this has been more bearable because of the man he was. Thinking of him feels me with happiness. He loved the girls and I and he is present in our lives, reminding us to be happy. I owe it to him to live a good life.

Recently I found some picture CDs that I had forgotten so I decided to share a few of those pictures today. As always, remember Patrick today by doing something nice, making someone laugh, or just being corny!

Not sure exactly when this was but I love his smile!
Out for our nightly walk with the girls.
Camping with the Boyles family.
At Dina & Jeff’s wedding
In Seattle for Damian & Suzanne’s wedding.
Patrick won the naming contest!
At my 20-year reunion. That is some seriously red hair!
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#DONTDRIVEDUMB – 12/31/16

Happy New Year’s Eve! Tonight I’m celebrating with most of Patrick’s family in Grover Beach. I’m in a much better place than I was 2 years ago but this is still a timely reminder to be safe!

Happy New Year’s Eve everyone! Tonight I will be alone at midnight because someone chose to drive while impaired. My resolution for 2017 is to devote time and energy to prevent this from happening to others. Luckily I don’t have to reinvent the wheel in order to make a difference. I am in contact with www.wesavelives.org and will be working with them to see what I can do to make a difference. I challenge all of you to also do what you can to make a difference. Here are some suggestions:

1- #DONTDRIVEDUMB – This is a no brainer but it’s obviously still a problem. If you are impaired in any way, legally or not, don’t get behind the wheel of a car. 

2- Don’t be afraid – it might be uncomfortable to call someone out if they are clearly impaired and getting ready to drive. But it’s probably a lot more uncomfortable knowing you could have prevented a tragedy. Suck it up Buttercup! Take a stand and tell them not to drive! Here is a link to some helpful hints, including intervention techniques: www.wesavelives.org/its-party-time/

3- Take the Courage to Intervene pledge https://wesavelives.org/campaigns/the-courage-to-intervene/

4- Watch and share this video – https://youtu.be/mAFpkKL6c6w

5- Learn more – www.wesavelives.org/3ds/drugged-driving/

6- Donate – In memory of Patrick or any other victim of drunk, drugged or distracted driving www.wesavelives.org/donate/

Be safe out there tonight! Life is precious!

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It’s Not About Me

I’m currently learning about tests and assessments in counseling. I was excited when the instructor mentioned that we would be studying statistics since I really enjoyed my statistics class at Fresno State! Unfortunately, I have forgotten a lot in the 28 years since I graduated (that makes me feel really old)!

Math was always one of my better subjects. I did well and enjoyed it until I took trigonometry. I never took calculus. I enjoy basic calculations and geometry was fun but when the formulas start getting complicated and there’s a lot of funny looking letters and big words, it makes my brain hurt! Thank goodness the girls both appear to have inherited their math aptitude from Patrick!

Over the last few years I have learned that I don’t have to be an expert at anything. I can’t always figure everything out and I definitely can’t fix everything. We all just do the best that we can.

I will always be grateful for all of the support I got after Patrick died. And this makes me want to be someone who is always supportive and there for people. This is not always easy.

Lately I’ve felt a little selfish because things have been going well for me while others in my life have had struggles. I don’t always know what to say or do and suddenly I will realize that it’s been days since I’ve checked in on someone important. This happened with a good friend and I apologized that I hadn’t checked in on her. She told me there was no need to apologize, she knew she could reach out when she needed me.

I’m glad that my friend reassured me. She reminded me that I have a lot of friends like that too. I’ve had people apologize that they haven’t been there for me more and it always surprises me. I am blessed with a huge circle of friends and family. I don’t have to talk to everyone all the time but I know I can reach out when I need to.

I have friends that seem to know what I need without asking and I definitely want to be that kind of friend too. But I also really appreciate the friends who I don’t necessarily talk to all the time but they would be here if I needed them.

Many people have a need to “fix” things. I’m guilty of this too. When someone is hurting, I would love to be able to take away their pain. I sometimes agonize over what to do to make them feel better. Frequently the answer is that there is absolutely nothing I can do. I don’t like that answer and I try to think of an unexpected way that I can help. Or maybe I just need to be there, in person, to make them feel better. The thing I have to tell myself is this………

It’s not about me.

Me feeling better does not change what this person is going through. I may need to do something but….

It’s NOT about me.

So, my words of wisdom for the day:

If someone you care about is going through some type of adversity, be there for them. Ask them what you can do. It’s okay to anticipate needs. Listen to them. And know that there are times when we all need time alone to process what is going on. This is normal and healthy. Sometimes what you can do to help is step back and give them space. It’s that simple.