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Mixed emotions

In 1994 Patrick and I visited Dan and Amy on Oahu. We had a great visit with them and did all of the usual Oahu touristy things. Midweek we went to Maui and spent 2 or 3 nights. Maui was very beautiful and romantic, the perfect place to be with the person you love most in the world. We had such a great time! Sometimes I confuse this trip with my honeymoon, which was also an awesome trip! There's just something about tropical places that screams romance to me. So I love being here but I still feel a piece of me is missing.

This seems to be a recurring grief thing for me. Something good or fun happens and I enjoy it, but it also makes me sad. Luckily, I seem to have more happy than sad times so it's not unbearable. I am enjoying watching the girls experience everything. At the same time I can't help but imagine him here with us. The thing is, we would have never stayed somewhere like this. He would have complained about the price of beer and then conspired to find a way to beat the system. He was frugal and I think he planned to enjoy his hard work someday but that day never came. So here I sit, in paradise, spoiling myself. It's hard not to feel guilty about it…

I know, deep in my heart, that he would have nothing but good feelings and love about us having a good time. So I try to think about that but grief is just so complicated.

I was recently reading posts in a grief forum and another widow said that she buys herself gifts "from her husband" for anniversaries and other gift giving occasions. So I bought myself a few pieces of jewelry from a vendor and I'm going to think of them as gifts. He would roll his eyes but also give me a smile that would melt my heart.

So that's where I am today. Happy, enjoying myself, but also lonely and missing him. I'll try to keep focusing on the first two!

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Five months later – 9/21/16

This was originally posted on 9/21/16. Transferring from the old blog! 😊

Yesterday marked five months without Patrick. In many ways it feels like yesterday. I find it odd to think about all of the things that have changed. I’ve made little changes such as rearranging things in the kitchen cabinets, moving the wine rack and putting up pictures. I don’t want to erase him from memory but somehow these little changes seem to help.

Grief is a much longer and harder process than I ever imagined. I’m not sure why that is so surprising to me. I have had experience with tragic situations in the past but nothing that I was this close to. And no one talks about it. We just all assume that it is easy to move on, that people adjust to their new reality and the unpleasant grief goes away. So far, that has not been my experience.

Right after Patrick died a friend shared a Facebook group called Widows Hope with me. The first few times I saw posts I almost deleted it because it was SO sad and did NOT make me feel hopeful. “It’s been two years and I still cry every day,” or “It’s been five years but it seems like it was yesterday”. As time went on I did start to see more hopeful posts but I also came to realize that this is a place where people can bare their souls without worrying about upsetting others and sometimes when you are grieving you really need that!

I appreciate everyone’s kind thoughts and comments each time I post something but I don’t want you to always be sad for me. I am not writing this as a cry for help or attention. This is really just my way of healing and hopefully in the process sharing that it is okay to grieve.

I don’t want this to be the end of my story. I have a lot of life ahead of me and I hope that there comes a time when my loss is not the first thing people think of when they see me. I don’t want anyone to forget Patrick or assume that I have but I look forward to a time when the emotions are not so raw and painful. I love you all! Thank you for helping me on this journey!

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Everything has changed

I was driving today and it occurred to me that every single thing I was wearing has been purchased after Patrick died. This included the watch, the ring on my right hand, and even my purse and phone. Even the car I was driving was purchased "after". Such an odd feeling. I know I look at least a little different too but he would still recognize me. Still, it takes a long time for things to change this much.

In the last week or so I finally got around to taking his name off joint credit accounts. Honestly it wasn't a huge priority for me. I didn't realize that he was the primary cardholder on some of them. A day or two later an Amazon order didn't go through. After finally calling the company I realized that removing his name actually closed the account. I only had a small balance because I use it to get reward points and pay it off each month. I had to listen to a long disclosure explaining how I wasn't responsible for the charges. I finally interrupted to tell them that I just wanted to pay it off and reapply in my name. I guess I have been committing fraud all this time.

I'm still learning new things about being a widow. I probably should have changed everything over a long time ago but I basically did the necessities and then have dealt with others when ready. I am actually lucky in this respect as some widows don't have the luxury of letting things sit like that. For many widows, losing their husband has a terrible financial impact. Those whose spouse had long illnesses have used up any savings to pay for medical bills and loss of income. Many couldn't afford life insurance. I am grateful that Patrick could and it has at least made things a little easier. When the accounts were closed I realized what a bind that could potentially put a widow or widower in if they suddenly lost access to credit accounts.

I decided it would be a good idea to run a free credit report on him. And I COULD NOT remember his social security number! I couldn't believe it! I've had that number memorized for years!! I know it was just a momentary lapse but it was another reminder of how much has changed. Luckily there were no red flags in the credit report.

I'm sure there will continue to be changes but hopefully they can continue to happen gradually. Change can be good but it's also comforting to hold on to some of the familiar.

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Sleepless

Sometimes I question my decision to share so much on my blog. A lot of times I think people want to fix things for me and that’s not the reason I write this. I try to be authentic but there are times I may leave things out because I don’t want to worry people. So I won’t post this right away. 
I’m tired and I can’t sleep. It’s 3 AM on Saturday and I have a busy day tomorrow. I had so much to do yesterday and accomplished very little. I still have times when it is very hard to get myself organized. I finally did a Facebook invite for Camille’s party. I used to kind of frown on those but it’s a week away so I needed to get the word out. I have announcements and pictures to send out. I realize I could have her do those but she has had less time than I have had. 
I rarely get “good” sleep anymore and sometimes the exhaustion catches up. I did sleep late yesterday so hopefully that will get me through tomorrow. 
Sierra is moved home and getting settled in. We are trying to combine her 3 years of college accumulation with everything else she already had. She is a very good organizer and does not get emotionally attached to “things”. She disagrees but she is much better at decluttering than I am. I’m excited for her to get her organizing done because then I know she will help me!
I was thinking about Patrick when I went to bed and it still took my breath away realizing he is gone. It’s more of a brief shock now, not the heavy sadness I felt at first, but still hard. If I’m having trouble sleeping I can go on the Option B Facebook group and I don’t feel so alone in my pain. It’s for anyone experiencing grief but a lot of widows post there. I can see how people who are further along are doing and sometimes I’m able to share with people whose loved ones died more recently. Sheryl Sandberg is one of my heroes now. My blog is not unique. A lot of people write blogs after experiencing this type of loss. They write books too. But most of them do not have the connections she has and the power to bring people together. She is very inspiring!
I haven’t had a chance to write about Patrick’s graduation video. It turned out to be a kind of goofy video about all of the graduates. There wasn’t a single bit of the graduation on it so no video of Patrick’s speech. But there was video of him, acting a little silly, and the girls enjoyed watching it. I’m glad that we have it but I still hope I find that speech!
It’s now Tuesday and Camille graduates tomorrow. I haven’t posted since last week because I have been so busy. I’m still disorganized. Announcements have not been mailed. I can’t stress about it. I have two assignments to turn in before graduation tomorrow. I’m taking a short break right now then I will hopefully finish them prior to the last minute. 
I was looking at my Facebook profile and it made me sad that Patrick is not listed in my life events. So I added “loss of a loved one” and it broadcasted it to everyone so I immediately deleted it. I wish you could just have it be there without showing up in newsfeeds. #FirstWorldProblems.
I’m excited to see Camille graduate but I know it will be hard also. Patrick was so proud of both of his girls! Last night Camille led the flag salute and read the benediction at baccalaureate. She was poised and confident. Four years ago she filled in as the mascot at a rally and she could only do it for a little while because she was uncomfortable being in front of a crowd. That is probably the biggest change Patrick missed out on, Camille growing into her role as a leader. I know he will be with me in spirit tomorrow but I wish he were here…

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Keeper of memories – 10/3/16

Originally posted on 10/3/16.

As my kids were growing up I loved to share funny stories with my mom. She would always laugh and tell me that I really needed to write them down. I didn’t have a blog back then. I’m sure that I intended to write them down but why would I need to? I was married to a man who could remember everything!

I didn’t realize at first how many memories we lost. I’m not quite sure why but my brain does not always store details. I remember a lot but Patrick could remember obscure things such as lines from movies I had never heard of. Like everything else I think he trained his brain to do this. After college he never truly learned to read for pleasure. I know he enjoyed reading but it had to be something of value. He read the entire bible and when he was finished he decided to read the biographies of each of the presidents. I think he made it to Reagan and then stopped. He decided the biographies were more accurate after time had passed. The more recent ones were usually written by supporters and tended to be sugar coated. Of course I can’t think of any cool facts but he loved to share odd things he had learned such as the president who took calls while on the toilet!

He was also great at telling jokes. I would try to repeat them and they were never quite as funny. A highlight of the Steam Donkey shows was the jokes and banter in between songs, much of it groan worthy! I am so grateful that I have videos of that. Usually I can get through them with a smile.

He had favorite sayings too and we have forgotten some of them. One is that he used to tell us that there were only two rules in this house. Rule 1 is never throw things from the second floor, but we are unsure of Rule 2. Rule 2 could be that Dad is Awesome (which he frequently said) or that Dad is always right. Maybe it was “Dad needs a beer”.

Of course, like anyone, he didn’t remember everything, especially if it was a message his wife was supposed to give him! He would be talking to his mom and she would say, “I’m sure Danell told you ….” and he would tell her, “You know we never talk”. In fairness I would say the same thing!

He had another saying related to irony and I think it was poetic irony but it seems like it was a more obscure term. When he found an example of this type of irony he loved to tell us. Recently I experienced this type of irony and although it was a little sad I could just imagine him laughing at the irony of the situation.

A month or two after Patrick died I charged my old iPhone to see if I had any voice messages from him. There had been none on my current phone. I found one message from 2013. He had been on some sort of weekend adventure and I was gone when he got home. He left me a message to say he was home, he was exhausted and he was going to sleep. He ended it with “I love you”. I tried to save the message and the older phone did not have an option to do that. So, rather than play the message on the old phone and record it with the new, I had the brilliant idea to update the old phone. Of course when the update was complete my messages were gone. I took it to the phone store and they confirmed there was no way to retrieve it. I was sad but honestly I wasn’t going to be devastated about it. At the same time, I was still searching to make sure I didn’t miss any audio or video recordings. Eventually I found the voice memos on my phone. Wouldn’t it be sweet if he had recorded me a message? I found an 18 second message and at first it was very staticky. After a minute I realized I had made the recording. In the middle of the night. When his snoring woke me up! I’m not sure what I had planned to do with it but I never shared it with him. He was sensitive about his snoring and his feelings would have been hurt. I burst into laughter! How ironic! I’m looking for a sweet message and instead find the snoring I had recorded in anger. Now that’s (insert term) irony! 😂<<<<<<
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The Lost Art of Writing – 9/28/16

Originally posted on 9/28/16

I found something else when I was searching in the garage. I found a box of things from high school and college. I am a sentimental person so I save a lot of things like that. The box mostly had certificates and sports award programs. A lot of stuff from my years of Cross Country and Track at Clovis High. There were also writing assignments from high school and college, poems I had written and some free form journaling. What surprised me is that I had forgotten how much I used to write!

In high school I spent a lot of time journaling or writing poems if something was bothering me. I think I continued this at the beginning of college. I met Patrick in the summer of 1986. He was home from UOP for the summer and I was on summer break from Fresno State. We began what would be a 6 year, long-distance relationship. Back then we did not have cell phones or email. Long distance calls could be very expensive and we were broke college students. So we sent each other a LOT of cards and letters!

I am eternally grateful that I have this written history of our early relationship. Right after Patrick died, when I was still in a semi-state of shock, I began reading through these. I would read a few at a time and I was sorting them into two ziplock bags in case the girls ever choose to read them. One bag is labeled PG and the other has a warning as they might not like the content of those.😉 As the shock began to wear off, I had to put them away. Some day I will read the rest but right now it’s just too hard.

As I read through them, it occurred to me that I would have enjoyed reading through them with Patrick. I think it would have been a great way to reconnect and reminisce. I have said this before but I repeat it often. I think one reason relationships fail is because the early days are so exhilarating but it is not like that forever. Your love matures and you become more comfortable with each other. When the “honeymoon” period is over, a relationship becomes something that you have to nurture. You can’t take it for granted. There’s going to be give and take and it’s not going to be as picture perfect as your courtship and honeymoon. We always seemed to find ways to rekindle that but I wish I had thought of the letters.

And the letters were not all hearts and roses either. One letter from Patrick was a heart breaker! He had been dating another girl at UOP and when he initially returned that first year he was torn between the two of us. In the letter, he told me that he loved both of us but was choosing her over me because he didn’t think he was capable of a long-distance relationship. I, of course, knew better and we all know how that ended! I truly had forgotten about this letter but it did not upset me to read it. That was part of our story and after that I was always confident in our relationship.

I know that people have been saying this for decades but I feel that writing is a lost art. We are all bombarded with constant communication. My children interact with their friends way more than I did but much of it consists of short text conversations, Snapchat stories and other social media posts. That doesn’t mean they are not close but when they eventually start having serious relationships (after age 30, lol) I hope that they also take time to record their thoughts and feelings in something more permanent than a text.

I challenge each of you to take the time to send a card or letter to someone you care about. It doesn’t need to be long, just let them know how much they mean to you. As I thought of this last night I wrote each of the girls a letter. And by wrote I mean I typed it in a document on my phone and emailed it to them. I’m a modern mom, right? I told Camille what I was doing and my thoughts behind it all. She said she would refuse to accept it if it wasn’t handwritten. I sent it anyway. I hope she forgives me. If I had waited until I found a card or stationary and then had to actually write it might have taken forever! 😊

The pictures below are pictures of a card Patrick sent me when I moved into our first apartment, shortly before we were married. This pretty much sums up how excited we were to be done with the long-distance relationship! I have so many good memories and I am thankful that I was blessed to be his wife!

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Five Months Later – 9/20/16

Originally posted on 9/21/16

Yesterday marked five months without Patrick. In many ways it feels like yesterday. I find it odd to think about all of the things that have changed. I’ve made little changes such as rearranging things in the kitchen cabinets, moving the wine rack and putting up pictures. I don’t want to erase him from memory but somehow these little changes seem to help.

Grief is a much longer and harder process than I ever imagined. I’m not sure why that is so surprising to me. I have had experience with tragic situations in the past but nothing that I was this close to. And no one talks about it. We just all assume that it is easy to move on, that people adjust to their new reality and the unpleasant grief goes away. So far, that has not been my experience.

Right after Patrick died a friend shared a Facebook group called Widows Hope with me. The first few times I saw posts I almost deleted it because it was SO sad and did NOT make me feel hopeful. “It’s been two years and I still cry every day,” or “It’s been five years but it seems like it was yesterday”. As time went on I did start to see more hopeful posts but I also came to realize that this is a place where people can bare their souls without worrying about upsetting others and sometimes when you are grieving you really need that!

I appreciate everyone’s kind thoughts and comments each time I post something but I don’t want you to always be sad for me. I am not writing this as a cry for help or attention. This is really just my way of healing and hopefully in the process sharing that it is okay to grieve.

I don’t want this to be the end of my story. I have a lot of life ahead of me and I hope that there comes a time when my loss is not the first thing people think of when they see me. I don’t want anyone to forget Patrick or assume that I have but I look forward to a time when the emotions are not so raw and painful.

I love you all! Thank you for helping me on this journey!

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A Day at the Boardwalk – 9/19/16

This was originally posted on 9/19/16.

Yesterday Camille and I were invited to join Linda Crews and kids on a day trip to Santa Cruz. Camille and Julia have been close friends since elementary school and Linda and I are close friends also. We had a great day. We smiled, we laughed and yes, we hunted Pokémon together. I knew there would be hard parts too, Patrick loved Santa Cruz.

When I got home I was very sad and I wanted to write but I felt a little guilty. This blog is so helpful to me but I don’t want it to hurt others. I didn’t want Linda to feel bad that I was sad. She is a good friend though so I knew she would probably understand but I just couldn’t do it.

This morning I woke up and Linda had added some pictures to Facebook and a little comment about missing Craig, who is on a business trip, and it brought it all into perspective for me. Of course it was okay for me to miss Patrick! Linda had a great day too but she still wished Craig could have been there to share it. I don’t want to go through life moping that he is not there every time I do something fun but I need to acknowledge that I do have those feelings. No matter how much fun I have he is still not here when I get back home.

There were memories all day. As we drove over the Pacheco pass I remembered the trip where the darn Ford Pinto broke down at the very top. We had to be towed back to Los Banos and we spent the night at the Cinderella motel. The tow truck driver dropped us off on the other side of 152 but that hotel had no rooms so we had to haul all of our stuff across the street. I’m sure Patrick did most of the hauling. We had planned to go camping with friends and I think we had two ice chests packed with “provisions”, mainly the kind to keep us hydrated. 😉The next day dad came and rescued us.

As we drove into Santa Cruz we passed the hill where Zio Carlo’s beach house was. We stayed there several times and it was always a fun trip. As we walked onto the boardwalk the train was leaving and I remembered the time we took that up into the foothills for the day. Camille rode the carousel and was able to throw a ring in the clown’s mouth. This would have made her dad proud and also brought back memories of the many summers he spent time there with his family.

There were also a few trips with the girls and I have pictures to help remember those. Our more recent vacations were spent in the Pismo and Cayucos areas so those will be harder trips for me. Especially since many of them were anniversary trips. Santa Cruz was a good first trip back to the beach and it will help prepare me for Thanksgiving in Pismo.

There are going to be good days and bad days and I just have to find a way to get through all of them. I hope that it will get easier. I know life will keep moving forward and that’s what I have to do also. But I’m not going to lie, it would be great to wake up and find that this was just a really intense nightmare. And I know most of you would agree. 🙂