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OCG

I have a love-hate relationship with food. Mainly I love food, but I hate the fact that I gain weight so easily. I’m definitely an emotional eater, and I mean ANY emotion! If something good happens, I like to go out to dinner to celebrate. If there is a special occasion, it’s usually centered around food. And if I’m sad, a bowl of ice cream might cheer me up, at least until the guilt sets in.

One of my favorite treats is Mickey’s Yogurt. I feel it is healthier than ice cream, as long as you don’t overdo the portions or the toppings. When Cathy and I were walking all of the time and I lost weight, we would allow ourselves yogurt frequently. Our favorite flavor is oatmeal cookie gelato (OCG). I don’t know what it is about it, but Cathy, Camille, and I just love it! We check the Mickey’s Facebook page regularly because it is not always available. When it IS available we have been known to cancel all previously scheduled activities to go get it! If one of us can’t be there, they are usually taunted with pictures like the one below.

I’ve shared this picture before. I took it to send to Camille the night before Patrick died (I also took some home to her) and I like to think of it as the last happy picture before my life changed forever.

I have always wished that I was one of those people who quit eating when under stress. I know that’s not healthy either but at least I wouldn’t add weight gain to whatever stress I am under!

The only time I completely lost my appetite was when Patrick died. Food was no longer important. I’m sure I could have survived for a long period of time without eating but that is not a healthy way to lose weight. And, when you’re under that kind of stress, you need sustenance.

Everyone felt helpless during that time. So many people wanted to help and there wasn’t much anyone could do. That first day I remember Phillip bringing me a Diet Pepsi. I realize it has zero nutritional value but there are worse vices I could have! Matt Lamb stopped by Mickey’s and got me OCG. I was surprised that it was about the only thing I could eat. I’m not sure how long they had it that time but a lot of the teenagers (nephews, nieces, and friends of the girls) found out I liked it so they kept bringing it, sometimes more than once a day! The OCG and the love of the people bringing it, helped keep me going.

As hard as it is to know what to do when there has been a death, it’s actually surprisingly easy to do small things that have a big impact. A lot of that time I was in a fog but I remember the little acts of kindness…the yogurt, the Diet Pepsi, making sure I had water at the celebration of life. I could go on and on but my point is, sometimes it’s the little things that mean the most.

There have been several other times over the last two years when the OCG has arrived at a time when I needed a little cheer. I wish I had written them all down. Suffice it to say, there had to be some divine intervention going on!

Today there was OCG again, it’s as if someone knew this would be a hard week of memories…

PS – I’m definitely sharing this blog with Mickey’s Yogurt in a shameless attempt to get them to make OCG available on a more frequent basis. A girl can try!

Facebook screenshot and extra artwork courtesy of Cathy Lamb.

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Celebrating Patrick

Every year, for his birthday, Patrick liked to take a guys trip. Usually he went with his “only friend” Joe. Matt usually joined them and Gabe did occasionally. Usually they went camping. Some years they went to Shaver Lake. Other years they went to the beach. He just wanted to relax, maybe do some fishing and drink beer.

I was thinking about these trips, wondering if I should have gone… Of course, in hindsight I would go back and take advantage of any opportunities to spend time with him. But I never felt that I was being a bad wife by not going. I’m sure he would have allowed me to go but he never really expected me to. And the truth was, this was his gift to himself, a little break from all his responsibilities.

There is a known tendency, among widows, to idealize, or sanctify their late spouse. I’m sure I do this to some degree but I do try to be real. Patrick was by no means perfect but he was definitely a wonderful husband and father. I’m happy that we took these little breaks from each other. It reminded us of all the time apart early in our relationship and made us appreciate our time together.

Yesterday would have been Patrick’s 51st Birthday. So, he really should have been camping this weekend. I’ve been a little emotional at times this week. At times I will have random thoughts or random anger. I try not to spend too much time on the anger but I admit that I am angry at times. His death was so random and unfair and if I really stop and think about it I am just so angry that it happened. Earlier in the week I was in the drive-thru at Taco Bell and I started thinking about Patrick and getting sad. I looked up and there were yellow flowers. They always make me think of him. 🙂

I like to add funny stories so I’m going to add my niece Shayna’s post. She actually posted this the day of his funeral but reposted it yesterday. I have no idea why he had these but it was classic Patrick!

Last night we had a huge get together and it was really nice to all be there and share our love. In a way, I’m glad that his birthday is a week before the dreaded anniversary of the day he died. We can always celebrate his life on his birthday! We will think of him next week but last night was a happy time! I am so grateful for our family! Here are some pictures!

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I miss my “person”

Since losing Patrick I’ve kind of been on a crusade to make grief and mourning a less taboo subject. Talking about a loved one dying seems to help ease the pain. I really believe this. So why do I sometimes feel that I can’t?

There are unwritten rules in our society that tell us we should get over it and move on within some unclear amount of time. I’ve heard that people have actually made comments about this to grieving people. Thankfully no one has ever said anything like that to me but I do it to myself!!!

I have been so obsessed with this whole dating thing and I think it’s been a way to redirect my grief. To be clear, I am not dating to “replace” Patrick. He’s irreplaceable! Any new relationship will be a completely new chapter.

I do think I can replace the intimate connection that I lost. And I’m not talking about sex. What I miss more than anything is having that one person that you can talk to about anything. I have thought about this a lot because I have a lot of friends and family who care about me. My loved ones would do anything to help me and they would love to be able to fill this void. So I want to be clear that this is not something I could get from a parent, sibling, child, or friend.

If I had to, I know I could survive without having this again. I hope I don’t have to, but I do think I could have a good life without it. Many people do. I just prefer not to be alone.

The other thing I have been doing is trying to convince myself and potential partners that I am mostly done grieving. I have this idea that men might think a widow sits around crying a lot that is probably not something they would want to sign up for. It’s such a hard sell!

I think I just need to be me and quit worrying about it. Yes, I lost my husband. Yes, I am sad about it, some days more than others. Most days I still can’t believe he is gone. But I still have fun. I smile, I laugh, I LIVE. I’m just going to focus on that for a while.

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I love my 80’s music!

I wrote the post about the happy Timehop memory and literally the next three days of Facebook memories were all about the arrest and arraignment. Maybe that memory was there to prepare me for the not so nice ones?

That’s what always happens. I’m going along thinking how good I’m doing and then all of the sudden I’m brought back to reality. Last night I went to a Halloween party with an 80’s cover band. This particular party has been thrown for years and I got the feeling that most of the crowd knew each other. The hostess is the lead singer in a band and I imagine the crowd was probably people who regularly went up her shows over the years. Being there reminded me of the days we used to go and listen to live bands. Particularly the Sleestacks, which was the band that included Patrick’s friend Joe Reinartz, his cousin Damian Prandini, and friends Mike Niehoff and Ron (Doc) Morse. I had a blast being a groupie and was sad when the group broke up!  Joe was in other bands over the years and they were all good but we had the most fun with the Sleestacks. 

So I was already feeling a bit melancholy and then “I’ll Melt With You” came on. This wasn’t a meaningful song for us but it just made me think of that time and miss Patrick a little more. When the lead singer announced that the next song was by The Cure I just knew what song it would be and sure enough, it was “Just Like Heaven”, OUR song. I cursed to myself and then looked up and there was Sierra, smiling and motioning for me to come dance. Of course, she knew.

The rest of the night I had a pretty good time and wasn’t sad. My friend Linda was also there and we enjoyed dancing to all the old 80’s songs! A year ago it would have been more sadness and less good time so there has definitely been progress. But I won’t pretend that I don’t still have moments when I get overwhelmed by memories. 

Having Sierra home is definitely helpful. Although we have discovered that we occasionally get annoyed with each other. The other day she was feeling sick and made a comment about how it was making her grumpy. I said something like, “Oh, that’s a temporary thing?” She immediately gave me a dirty look but then started laughing. It was exactly the kind of thing her Dad would have said so I reached up toward heaven for a high five. Sarcasm and laughter are important in this house and I’m determined to carry that forward!

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Timehop

Have you ever done the writing assignment where you take a random picture and write a story about it? This picture reminds me of that. To the casual observer it’s a pretty odd or random picture. I looked at it and thoughts just poured out of me.

I only recently downloaded the Timehop app. I regularly check Facebook’s “On This Day” feature to see what I posted. Timehop checks all of your social media and your camera roll. This was just a random picture and you might wonder why I even took it. 

Obviously the original focus was on the dog. My sister’s dog, Toby, has spent a lot of time here since she has had jobs that require her to travel. So I have a habit of sending her pictures when he’s being funny or cute. I saw the picture in my Timehop and started to scroll to the next picture before I noticed the rest of the picture.

I’m sitting on my bed with one leg stretched out. I clearly have some sort of issue with my foot. You might think it’s sweet or affectionate that Patrick is rubbing my foot. But, if you look at his hands you will see the hands of a Physical Therapist. He’s applying pressure and manipulating my foot. I don’t remember what was wrong, definitely something minor. He was probably just thrilled that he had to work on it, but he never said no. And, it wasn’t a tender foot rub I’m sure! Sometimes his therapy was painful, but he was very good and he always fixed whatever issue I had. 

Toby thought he would just make himself comfortable right in the middle of this! I’m sure I texted the picture to Denise to show her. And I usually don’t delete the Toby pictures so I managed to capture this random moment that has so much meaning to me!

This is what Love looks like! October 25, 2013 was a Friday. I’m sure Patrick had worked all week and was ready to relax. But he took a few minutes to take away my pain. He might have grumbled but he always took care of me. I know I drove him crazy at times but he was always right there. This captures so many moments of my marriage and I am so glad that crazy little dog made this possible!

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One half of a whole

As I walked my dog a few days ago, I found myself checking my left hand for my ring. I’m sure many of you do the same thing. I wore that ring for 26 years or so and I’m not sure how long it will take to get used to not wearing it. My first thought was maybe I should just put it back on? And I imagined how comfortable and reassuring it would feel. But I realize that it is not the ring I am missing. I miss being one half of a whole. I miss my other half and I miss everything that he meant.

I try not to be a helpless female. I want to be independent and handle things myself. But there are just so many decisions to make and things to do. Perhaps if I had been single all this time I would be more accustomed to finding someone to fix the fence or clean the solar panels. The funny thing is, I know that all I need to do is pick up the phone and make a few calls. Really it’s more of just a mental block, that and just the fact that I know I would not have to worry about it if Patrick were around. And it’s another thing I was blissfully unaware of when he was.

I’ve kind of been in a funk. And yeah, it may have something to do with the whole dating thing! LOL I really do not like doing this. And I don’t really want to write about it but it IS a big part of my story. So I’ll give you the watered down version. I don’t want to be like Taylor Swift and write about every ex…WAIT! Maybe I do! Just kidding! There may be guys out there who, like me, are single despite being capable of being in a relationship. Maybe they are also widowed, or truly never met the right person. But I suspect a lot of them have issues that make relationships difficult. I kind of dated a guy for a few weeks. I say “kind of” because I only really saw him twice. I’m truly not sure of what the issue was but he just could not seem to find room in his life to date. I think he wanted to and he seemed to be interested but he was so used to being alone that he just couldn’t figure out how to share his time. I was convinced that I was going to use my years of experience and teach him how to make it work. And I actually experienced quite a bit of frustration when plans were canceled or never made. We agreed mutually that it wasn’t going to work out.

I’ve talked to a few other guys casually and a few nights ago I realized that I was already thinking of how I was going to “fix” a guy to get used to finding time to date someone. I’m sure this has a lot to do with my counseling courses but either way I need to stop it now. At this age I’m not going to change someone so I just need to be patient and find someone who doesn’t need to be changed. 

And now I’m sick with my usual sinus thing that will probably turn into bronchitis. And I hate being sick because it interferes with working out. But it has made me realize that there is no reason to rush this dating thing. If the right person is out there, it will happen. So I’m taking some NyQuil and trying to get some rest!

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Personal Triumph

I’m on Day 4 of a weight loss challenge at the gym. I’m doing it right this time and following the meal plan in addition to working out so I’m counting on big results!

I stayed up too late last night for various reasons but I went to the gym this morning for kick boxing. Normally I stay for a core session but I was tired and the fans in the gym were not working so I just did one class.

I felt a little guilty when I got home so I took the dog for a walk. She is small so we just went a mile at a slow pace. I was listening to music and my “grief anthem” came on, “Ordinary World” by Duran Duran. Part of the lyrics are, “I won’t cry for yesterday, there’s an ordinary world, somehow I have to find. And as I try to find my way, to this ordinary world, I will learn to survive”. The first time I really listened to these words, a few days after Patrick died, I desperately wanted ordinary. At the time it seemed like nothing would ever be ordinary again but those words gave me hope.

Listening to the song this morning I realized that what I really wanted to do was ride my bike. But I hadn’t done that in over a year…

Patrick and the girls got me a mountain bike for Mother’s Day, 2008. I thought I would ride bikes with them but I ended up going for solo rides after work and working up to 17 miles at a time. I loved it so much that I decided to join Team in Training and train for a Century bike ride. I started with a loaner bike but purchased my own road bike before the actual event. Patrick was skeptical I’m sure but he supported me, coming out to repair flats and provide first aid supplies when I fell while learning how to clip out. I finished my first century in Solvang that year and went on to do 3 or 4 more plus various other rides that were shorter. Cycling is a great workout but when you are mainly doing endurance rides, and you’re me, you think that after a 60 mile training ride you can eat whatever you want. So I was never really able to lose weight and keep it off. I switched to walking and it helped me take off a lot but I was gaining it back. And then April 20th happened.

Patrick rode his bike out Shaw Avenue and did a few laps around Quail Lakes at least a few days each week. If I rode from home I always went down Shaw too, it was my favorite route. He was riding it that morning when he was hit and killed.

That day I wanted to throw my bike in the street. I got over that but then I avoided cycling to protect the girls. I rode in the Ride of Silence a month after he died but honestly I was still in shock then. I just wasn’t sure I could ever really do it again. And if I did, where would I ride? Shaw Avenue was ruined for me.

Today I decided to take my favorite route back. Cycling did not kill Patrick. A lack of sleep caused by a meth binge did. I could give up cycling to keep myself safe but if we gave up everything that could possibly kill us, how would we ever live? I put all my cycling gear on and inflated my tires We do love our gear! Then I realized I didn’t have my Road ID on. I almost went without it but I remembered how mad I was that he did not wear his as it caused an hours long delay in receiving official notification. I went and got it and realized that my first contact was still my husband. There are always reminders.

As I waited at the traffic light I remembered how frequently Patrick disregarded cycling rules and etiquette. That morning I was also a little angry because I was convinced he did something stupid. Later I was extremely grateful when the detective told me that Patrick did nothing wrong.

I wasn’t sure how I would react as I drove past the site. I have driven past a handful of times when I really needed an outlet for my grief. And I would scream and cry as I did that. Cycling is different though. Having the wind in my face was peaceful and I imagined him on his final ride. I’m sure he was thinking about mundane things or planning his day at work. I believe that he never knew what happened and it was quick and painless. I said a prayer and told him I loved him as I rode by. I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream. And then I turned at the next street and rode home. Mission accomplished.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I know that he would not have wanted me to give up cycling or avoid that stretch of the road. He would have thought it was silly. I’m not sure how much I will ride now. I love my gym workouts and I love the strength they have given me. But I needed the ability to cycle and I needed my favorite route back. Now, the sky’s the limit!

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Giving In

Every once in a while I give in and feel a little sorry for myself. I’m excited about retiring, going to school, and having many other positives in my life. But, I still want that other life back! It probably wasn’t as perfect as I make it out to be. I know I wasn’t blissfully happy every minute of every day, but I was comfortable, secure and loved. It’s hard stepping out of my comfort zone.

In my last post I mentioned my little recurring film clip. There are also places that trigger memories. There is a spot on Fowler, just South of Gettysburg, where Patrick’s bus broke down on the way home from the shop. The mechanic came and towed it back in. I picked Patrick up from that spot and every time I drive by I picture him standing there. I’ve picked him up by the side of the road many times over the years. I wasn’t sure why this one stood out and then I remembered that it happened on Monday and he died on Wednesday. So it’s one of my last memories. I’m sure he got in the car, leaned over to give me a kiss, and said, “Thanks Babe!” I actually gave him several rides that week and that was unusual so it’s a blessing that I had that extra time with him. I wish I could remember every bit of every conversation. I don’t think we talked about anything profound. That night we probably talked about the soccer awards dinner we were heading to. Sometimes it’s the little mundane things that I miss the most.

When I drive down Shaw, past Sunnyside, I imagine his bus parked in his usual spot at the old SJVR office next to BCs Pizza. How many times did I stop there on my way to work to drop off the phone he had forgotten at home? Sometimes I would stop there to pick him up on the way to a sporting event. It was always nicer to ride together.

His memory is everywhere but as time goes by I feel that I’ve lost some of my memories. He always had a better memory than I did and I think of questions I want to ask him every day. My current class is a little more scientific than the others and I would love it if I could ask him to explain some concepts to me. I’m not even sure if he ever studied neurotransmission but he could probably read a blurb in a textbook and make it easier for me to grasp.

When I have bad days or any kind of disappointment really, I always wish for that life. I’m not sure if it’s normal but anything negative in my life now turns into part of my grief. Something completely unrelated will happen and next thing I know, I’m at the cemetery, or driving down Shaw, to pass “the spot” and let out my pain.

My grief is probably more private now. I have to keep my shields up so I can function but I am also a little grateful when something upsets me because I know that I need that regular release that I get when I let go and feel.

I really don’t want to post this because it seems dark and sad and that is not how my life is. This is just part of the process. Letting the feelings out. Dealing with them. I really don’t think I will ever be 100% pain free again. I will always miss him. But, I will continue to embrace life and enjoy the years I have left! I know he would want me to.

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The Red Shirt

Have you ever watched a movie where someone has a kind of film loop running through their head? It’s a real thing. Mine is Patrick, riding his bike, with a long sleeve red shirt and the baggy bike shorts I bought him for Christmas (with hidden padding so no one thought he was too serious about riding). He has an intense look on his face because that’s how he was when he was out riding. He viewed fitness as an obligation and he usually looked serious when he was working out, I think he might have liked it a little but he probably would argue with that.

I guess you will probably think it’s sad that I have these images of how he would have looked right before it happened? And I guess maybe it IS a little sad but I’m so used to it now. And yes, sometimes I let the film go forward a little and imagine what happened. I try not to do that too much because it is harder but it’s odd how much little details matter.

The day after his funeral, Mom and Pop (his parents), picked us up to drive to Porterville for Zio Angelo’s funeral. I sat in the back with the girls on either side of me. We needed to go to be with everyone and I was actually relieved that we didn’t have to be the focus anymore. While we were driving, Mom gave me a card she had been carrying around for Patrick and I. He had recently helped them put in a new mailbox and I had done their taxes. The card was to thank us and it included a gift card for dinner. She had been carrying it around since before he died. I knew that she needed to give it to me but I think it was really hard for both of us. I choked up a little but vowed to keep it together for the girls.

Then my phone rang. It was the funeral home, calling to tell me they had a few personal effects, the clothing he was wearing that day. They thought I might want it thrown out. I had been trying to determine what he was wearing. I can’t tell you why this was important but it just was. I thought it was the red shirt with black on the sleeves but I just wasn’t sure. I tried to ask without anyone in the car realizing what I was asking. I’m not sure how I did it but they confirmed it was the shirt. I told them that someone would pick the items up. I got off the phone and struggled to hold it together. I spoke to a Patrick in my head and begged him to help me hold it together and I really think he did.

We got to the church and the rosary was first. This was good because I bowed my head as if praying and just sobbed. I think the girls were sitting by their cousins and I had the teNyenhuis sisters-in-love with me and they just surrounded me. After the rosary there was a brief viewing/visitation and during this time I moved and sat away from the girls. I knew their aunts would be with them and I just needed to be away, just for a bit. I sat with Elisa, Marissa and Livia (Prandini cousins) and I think I actually stopped crying but it was nice to feel like I didn’t have to hold it together.

That great big beautiful family got me through that day. I love them all so much!

My sister picked up the clothing and it is packed away somewhere. Probably it should have been thrown out but I just couldn’t do it yet.

So I still have that little video playing. I know there are treatments for PTSD type things but I don’t think I really need it for this. It’s not constant and it’s not horrific. It’s just him, riding. I still can’t believe this happened. Over time it has gotten easier. I don’t cry very much, but it is still shocking every time I am reminded that he is gone. And I still wonder about the little details. I can’t help it. I don’t need to know them but maybe if I did it would be different and I wouldn’t wonder so much? So hard to know. Sixteen months later and I promise it is easier and I am mostly happy. When I write down these painful memories I feel like I am releasing them a bit. Thank you for helping with that.

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I’m not really that strong

I guess it's painfully obvious that I am not always strong when I post at 4:00 AM. I've been due for a good cry for quite a while now. I've learned to stuff it in really well but eventually it will find it's way out.

The girls and I have had a wonderful summer and I knew I would feel a little empty when I came home from Hawaii. It's hard to be sad when you're in paradise, but I like living near my family so I knew I would have to go back home. To the life that I never asked for…

Don't get me wrong, I know that there are wonderful things about my life. I am surrounded by people who love me and I have awesome kids. But I don't have my soul mate. And I don't know if you ever get used to that.

I couldn't sleep tonight so I started watching Steam Donkey videos and that brought on the waterworks! It felt good to sob silently. Since Patrick died I've had more nights with a roommate than without. Sierra spent the first few weeks to a month with me and then Denise was with me off and on. Camille moved into my room in December while she was cleaning her room and that took eight months! They are all welcome any time but I think it is good to have some nights alone too. I need to allow myself to not be strong occasionally. I loved Patrick so much so I'm not sure why I think I could ever hold those feelings in.

I started with the Blackbird video because I will always think of that as a love letter from Patrick. There's a permanent link in my blog but here it is again. Blackbird

After a few individual videos I started watching videos of the band. I got to watch Patrick improve his banjo skills over 25 years. Admittedly I did not always enjoy listening! In fact I loved that our house had a sunroom with a door that could be closed to mute the sound but it still felt like he was close. Over the years his banjo playing got better and so did his voice. At the end I genuinely enjoyed watching him play. My second favorite video is a cover of Peace, Love and Understanding. I like this one because he talks at the beginning and he was a funny guy! But I also love the way he played it. For years he had one basic sound that seemed to work for most songs. But this song was different because he actually picked out the notes individually and I know it was hard for him to learn how to do this. I think meeting and playing with Abdul took him to this level and I will be forever grateful that he got to experience this! I know he had a blast being in the band and playing the banjo brought him great joy.

Peace, Love, and Understanding

The audio portion was used in the video at his memorial service and it was great. In fact the Blackbird video was in the video too. Memorial video

I share all of this because it helps me to get the feelings out. Losing him was hard but going forward without him is even harder. The only way I know how to do that is to just bury it all deep inside of me most of the time. I also realize that's not healthy so I do try to give myself a break once in a while and that's what tonight is. Maybe I will sleep now? Hopefully I will wake up refreshed and a little less sad. It has gotten easier with time. Please don't worry, I will get through this!