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Twenty-eighth

Twenty eight years ago I was probably laying in bed awake at 2:00 in the morning just like I am now. I’m taking a training class this weekend so I essentially worked 10:00 AM – 9:30 PM and my class is all day the next two days. I need to sleep, so of course, I’m awake.

In 1992, I’m sure I was going through all of the details and worrying about everything going smoothly. And I was also super excited that my wedding day had arrived. We had waited six long years to begin our life together. The day turned out beautifully and was all I had ever hoped for and more! This will be the 4th anniversary without Patrick and I am able to think about it with more smiles than tears.

The other day, I was telling my counselor that it has become harder to write my blog. I will always love Patrick and I also love Bruce. I know it can’t always be easy for Bruce but he never makes it awkward. I know that I don’t have to hold back and I’ve cried in his arms on several occasions. I am so grateful that I was blessed to find love a second time. My counselor encouraged me to keep writing and I’m sure I will.

I can’t think about Patrick without feeling a sense of deep love and gratitude that we were given the gift of two beautiful awesome girls and allowed to be their parents. I am thankful for them every day and it also breaks my heart that he is missing out on everything they’ve accomplished. And they are missing him! As hard as the quarantine has been, I will always remember that it gave me extra time with the girls and allowed us to live as a family for a while. Bruce would never presume to take Patrick’s place but he has found his own place in their hearts. Sometimes I come out of my office at the end of the day and hear the three of them talking and laughing downstairs. How great is that?

I still have days when it feels like no time has passed and the grief feels fresh. I know that my heart has buried some of it to protect me from the pain but it’s still ever-present. Most days my heart allows me to look back on the good times and remember the love. For that, I am grateful!

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4 years

Another year has come and gone. This day will always be bittersweet with the good and bad memories. Some people choose not to observe death anniversaries but it’s going to be there even if I try to ignore it. And honestly, I don’t ever want to forget the love and compassion shown to me that day. I took screenshots of every message, post, and text and I like to look through them occasionally.

The girls and I went to the cemetery today. We shared some memories and Camille commented on the irreverence of his headstone. He would have loved it! There were several special mementos left there by other family so we knew we weren’t the only visitors.

So much has happened since then. I know he is beaming with pride at all that the girls have accomplished. I think he would also like my new career path. I’m not sure how he would react to the pandemic. Being a healthcare professional, I know he would be familiar with the science and understand the need for the drastic measures being taken. But I think he would also find humor in the fact that toilet paper is a hot commodity. We just know that he would make us laugh, because that’s what he did.

My current class ends on Wednesday. This is also my final class. In honor of Patrick, and as a way to add something happy to April 20th (I know, there is already something associated with 4/20), I submitted my last assignments and my final hours. I am DONE with my degree! My commencement was scheduled for May 1st but has been postponed to October. So, I am going to make my own graduation, on Zoom! I have my cap, gown, and hood and I’ve already lined up a commencement speaker! Can’t wait to be officially employed!

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Unexpected Love Story Part 1 – We Meet

A year after Patrick died I wrote about my experience so far. In One Year Later I described what it felt like to be going on a familiar path and then having everything change in the blink of an eye. I tried to describe how, in the midst of so much sadness, there were still moments of unexpected happiness.

As I entered the second year I started thinking about dating. I have to say that I probably had the idea that I would find someone I was comfortable with, who would be a good companion. They might have faults but I would put up with them because I hated being alone. I didn’t even dare to hope that I would actually find someone I could truly love!

Bruce and I met on OK Cupid last August. I don’t remember who contacted the other first but we not swiped right and started talking on Monday, August 13th (Happy Birthday Shayna Danell 😉). Here is one of his profile pics. I love that it says we like each other!

I seem to remember that we switched to phone calls early on, which I really enjoyed. His profile said he lived in Clovis so I asked him what part of town and he told me his cross streets were Ashlan and Locan and those also happen to be my cross streets! 👀 👀 I think I might have actually looked out the window at that point. 😂 Fortunately he wasn’t a stalker and had lived just across Locan from me for the last 4 years. In fact we have lived less than a mile from each other for the last 16 years. Our kids were in different grades but went to all the same schools together! We made plans to go to dinner that Saturday night but as that got closer I suggested that we meet for coffee on Friday. I met him at Starbucks and we were so comfortable that he suggested we go to dinner. He gave me the option of taking separate cars but of course I wanted to ride in his cute little convertible!

The next night he picked me up for the dinner date we had originally planned. Once again, we were enjoying each other’s company so much that we decided to extend the date and go see a movie (Crazy Rich Asians). From that point on we talked multiple times per day and saw each other almost daily, sometimes walking the short distance between our houses. Usually we would meet in the middle.

I want to get this story right so I decided to divide it up into several parts. I will post more tomorrow!

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Like it was yesterday…and also a lifetime ago

Twenty seven years ago today! I remember the day so clearly! I was probably awake in bed, too excited to sleep. My dad spent the night in the apartment with me and that was really nice. Patrick was at his parent’s house. The day and really the rest of my life were planned out perfectly. Large wedding with everyone we loved. ✔️ Honeymoon cruise. ✔️ Buy a house ✔️ Two to three kids in four to five years. ✔️

I could go on and on. I’ve said it before. ALL of my dreams came true except one, to grow old together. And I think the fact that I was so happy and had such a good life has enabled me to move forward and remember him with smiles instead of tears.

It’s difficult to sort out my feelings these days. I have so much to be thankful for and I’ve experienced love and happiness that I didn’t think was possible. But I still have moments where I think, “Oh yeah, THAT happened”. I don’t think those will ever completely go away and I probably wouldn’t want them to. I’m grateful that Bruce is comfortable with me talking to him about Patrick. I couldn’t handle having to suppress those feelings!

I finally got all of the work on the house finished and it sold in TWO DAYS!!! It’s a little crazy that I made the house so nice and now I’m leaving! And I do have a lot of memories here but I feel that it’s time to start fresh. I can’t wait to move into our new home, probably in about two weeks!!!

In one week I finish my last non-practicum class! Then I start my practicum and I will officially be counseling! People will trust me with their mental well being! I hope I’m up to the task!

So what would Patrick say about all this? He would make some self-deprecating comment about Bruce. Maybe he would say that it’s about time I got a decent man. Then he would ask if he could drive Bruce’s convertible! He might say he always knew I would trade him in for a newer model but he’s not surprised I picked another 1967 model. Because that was an awesome year!

I think he would like my career choice. It’s not something we ever discussed so who knows?

Happy Anniversary Patrick! I will always love you!

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Happy Birthday Mr. Sandwich

Today Is Patrick’s 52nd birthday. I can’t believe that this is the third birthday we’ve spent without him. So much has changed but it still seems like yesterday.

I couldn’t be with both girls this year. Sierra has something going on for school. So Bruce and I drove to Davis to be with Camille for Picnic Day, which is a lot of fun!

Camille took us around downtown for a while last night. She was narrating while walking and I’m sure her dad would have loved it. At one point we realized we were at the edge of downtown and needed to turn back. Then she looked in the window of the building we were walking by and there was Zoltar! There are always little reminders of Patrick.

The Zoltar arcade fortune teller was in the movie Big and was the reason Tom Hanks’ character turned into an adult. Patrick thought it was a cool sounding name so he liked to use it he called in an order for sandwiches, especially if someone else was picking it up. He always had to be different. 🙂 When he signed up for the Port of Subs discount card he put his name as Mr. Sandwich. One time he wanted Camille to pick up Port of Subs and she didn’t want to go alone. He agreed to go with her if she would walk in and say, “I am Zoltar”. She agreed and off they went. When they walked in they said, “for Zoltar”? Camille knew she could probably be off the hook but her dad wouldn’t have let her off that easy so she said, “I am Zoltar”. Patrick went to pay and gave him his phone number and the cashier looked surprised and said “Mr. Sandwich?” Patrick replied without missing a beat, “Yes, and this is my daughter, Zoltar”. That guy…

We’ve had a nice day so far. Camille loves it here and I can only imagine how proud he would be of her. I’m glad that we have so many great memories of Patrick! Happy Birthday Mr. Sandwich! I will always love you!!!

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The Infamous Flip-Phone

I now have the infamous flip phone and it works. I was bracing myself not to be disappointed if it didn’t but I charged it for a few hours and it worked!

I don’t know why but it has always been very helpful to me to have details of those last few days. Many people had shared their final texts with him so I didn’t think there would be any surprises. Still, I was hoping there might be something.

I wanted to know what the last texts and calls sent and received were. The last text exchange was between he and I on Monday, April 18th. They were normal texts about him dropping the bus off and me picking him up. The last call he received was later that day when Burnett’s Auto Repair called to tell him what was wrong with the bus. The next day he called me a little after 5:00. I don’t remember exactly what that call was about. And, of course, there was a missed call from me on the morning of the 20th, when I was looking for him.

There were no voice mails because he went through a lot of trouble to turn off that feature. In typical stubborn Patrick fashion he decided that he didn’t want to get voice mails. I’m sure he had a very long explanation for why and I know I knew it at one time but the memory has faded. Those of you who knew him can probably imagine that it was equal parts logical and ridiculous! All I know is that his boss and employees were probably very annoyed about not being able to leave a message!

I looked through the pictures and they were a pretty good summary of things that were important to him. I apologize for the poor quality of the pictures. I’m still trying to figure out how to get them off the phone so, for now, I only have pictures of pictures.

There were a few pictures of me.

A lot of pictures of the girls…

Sierra’s eye was bothering her and he thought she looked like a pirate.
Fishing with Camille

The girls on his 49th birthday, right before the Paul McCartney concert.

I will put the rest of the pictures at the end of this post. I also found quite a few texts in his “drafts” folder. Here is one that he was possibly planning to send out, it’s exactly the kind of gem I was looking for!!!

“Hey it’s Patrick. If you don’t know who I am please disregard this message as it’s going out to my entire address book. After much soul searching I have decided to abandon my cell phone as it has not substantially improved the quality of my life. Just another inconvenience. Anyway if you need to contact me call my wife, she loves her phone more than she could ever love any man and knows how to find me. Peace out.”

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Why would I need a smart phone?

If you knew Patrick, you know that he never wanted to be trendy. Sometimes it seemed like he was against something just to have something to debate about. He always claimed to hate his cell phone and regularly threatened to get rid of it.

I can’t remember exactly when he got his first cell phone but I’m pretty sure I bought it when he was taking the bus on a road trip. Breaking down was always a possibility and I wanted him to be able to call for help. I’m kind of amazed that I ever got him to carry it!

He really didn’t like to talk on the phone that much, unless it was to annoy a telemarketer or catch up with a relative or old friend. He constantly threatened to get rid of that phone and I told him I would just buy another one. He liked to keep them as long as possible. I always wanted him to upgrade so he could do things like take pictures and also just to make it easier to text.

Once, he went fishing at Shaver and he put his phone in his pocket. He stood up on the boat for something and the phone dropped into the lake, never to be seen again. He texted or called me from Dina’s phone to let me know what had happened. I loaded the girls up and headed to the phone store for a replacement. I knew if I waited for him he would refuse to get one!

His final phone was a flip phone. It was out of style when he got it. We liked to tease him about it and he would act offended. Then he would start in on all the reasons his phone was actually better. I’m sure he had a lot of reasons but I remember that being cheaper was one of them. Also, he bragged about how small his phone was.

Of course, if he ever wanted to know any trivia or obscure information he would say, “What are you waiting for, someone look that up”. And I would tell him he should get his own smart phone. His response? Why would I need a smart phone? I already pay for three of them!

Ironically I think he would have really enjoyed the features on a smart phone. He would have liked taking pictures and he probably would have enjoyed having better quality pictures of the girls on his phone to show people. And he definitely would have appreciated the easier texting. I used to laugh as he struggled through typing a long text. One time we were talking about sending a message to Sierra. So he starts the painstaking process of hitting each key multiple times. I couldn’t help it, I gave him a fairly long head start…then I picked up my iPhone, spoke the message into it, and hit send before he could finish. He wasn’t amused, lol.

He liked to tell everyone how awesome his phone was. He extolled the virtues of the flip phone and the fact that it folded up so small. The phone DID have internet access but the screen was so small, I’m not sure how easy it would have been to use.

The phone’s most useful feature, according to Patrick, was something that he liked to demonstrate, usually while sitting in a restaurant. He would proudly state, “How many of you can put your entire phone in your mouth?” And then he would proceed to demonstrate.

Camille was the first to point out that he made it his entire life without getting a smart phone. He would be really proud of that.

I’ve been wondering about the flip phone for two years. I knew it was evidence in the case but I never wanted to ask about it. I finally got it back in July. I plugged it in to charge, not sure if it would work but I could tell it was charging right away.

After a few hours I was able to spend some time looking through it. It was a bit of a challenge after using an iPhone for so many years. I was surprised that it had Bluetooth in addition to internet access when he used it. I turned off the service after he died so I can’t access that now. There were also several pictures of the girls and some probably don’t exist anywhere else. At some point I will take the SIM card in to see if there is a way to get the pictures off of it. In my next post I will tell you more about what I found on the phone. As I had hoped and expected, there were some gems. 😊

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Visual reminder

I still reach for my ring, or the spot where it used to be. I rarely took my ring off. I was always afraid that I would lose it. And I would frequently touch it, sometimes unconsciously. I never really put too much thought into why I did that. Now I realize that it was a source of comfort. I miss that.

After 18 months or so I’m surprised that it still looks like I just took it off. If you look closely at the picture below you can probably see the indentation in my finger. It’s more noticeable from some angles. I’m kind of glad that my body refuses to erase this evidence!

I know I haven’t written as much lately. There are many reasons. We spent a week in Nebraska and I started a post there and never finished it. School has been a little busy for me. I doubled up on classes for a few weeks and it just seems like I’m spending more time on it. I kind of make myself crazy. I’ll pull up 25 different articles and then have information overload! I always get it done though. I’ll finish my current class in a week and then I’m taking two weeks off!

The main reason I haven’t written? The brief relationship I had really made it hard for me to write. There’s just some things that I can’t write about. And I’m really torn because I keep meeting guys and becoming friends on Facebook with some of them. So I worry about putting things on here that might scare someone away or hurt someone’s feelings. But the whole point of this blog is to be real and share what I go through. I guess I just need to figure it out.

It just occurred to me that maybe I need to meet someone who shuns social media like Patrick did! And as soon as I thought that I could almost hear him laughing since this kind of situation would prove his point about not being on social media! Too funny!

What I will say is that dating at 50 is different than dating at 18 in SO MANY ways. At 18 you have the rest of your adult life ahead of you. I was looking for someone who wanted the same things in life, someone I could raise children with. Now, it’s just different. There are things that matter less and things that matter more. And it’s a little more practical in some respects. It seems like just enjoying spending time with someone would be enough, but there’s a lot to consider. I guess I could sum it up by saying that Patrick and I created our future together. My future is now changed but some of it is still there. And the men I date probably have their future planned out. So you have to find a way to merge those rather than starting from scratch. I’m not sure if that makes sense but that’s the best way I can think of to explain it. And it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be!

So, I still need to write about Nebraska and also Patrick’s phone. Plus there’s a lot more coming up. Stay tuned…

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Ups and downs of life

Camille has wrapped up her freshman year at UC Davis. She did well, loved the experience, and made new friends. This time last year I was terrified of letting go and I know she was a little apprehensive too. I’m so happy that she loved her first year there. Patrick would have been very happy about that too. And, of course, I really miss him at times like this.

He would have been excited to hear about her year and even more excited to have her home! And he would have loved UC Davis. I’m sure he would have wanted to take his bike and ride around campus with her. And he would have made the moving so much easier!

As I was driving to get her, I had some random flashbacks of the day he died. For some reason I was thinking about different family members and what it must have been like for them. Matt, Patrick’s younger brother, was always the baby of the family. On that day I gave him one of the hardest tasks. Early on, when we knew, but not really, I asked him to go pick up his parents. I didn’t want them to get a phone call so I asked him to just go. Matt was very close to Patrick and that must have been really hard. I think I probably knew it was a lot to ask, but I also knew he could do it.

I don’t know why thoughts like that randomly pop into my head. They make me incredibly sad and I can’t always show it because it’s just hard to explain. Luckily it doesn’t happen often, and it’s not unbearable. It is just part of my life. So I’m kind of used to it and I don’t stay sad for long.

Sometimes other random things happen. Several days ago I had a missed call from a blocked number. I didn’t even think about who it might be. A year ago, or two years ago, I would have known it was possibly the police, or the DA. But not now. Then yesterday I got a call while we were in the middle of moving Camille….

The detective was calling and he wanted to know what I wanted to do with Patrick’s bike. I didn’t even know they still had it. I think I wondered at first, just like I wondered about his phone, and maybe the police report, or the autopsy. But I never asked. If I asked, then I would have to make a decision, so I just never asked. And then suddenly, there I was, being asked about the bike that he had owned for possibly 20 or more years. The bike that was a huge part of his life. The bike he died on. The call kind of took my breath away. One thing I have learned is that I don’t have to make immediate decisions. I asked a few questions and then told him I would need a few days. My gut said I should let them destroy it. But I knew I couldn’t make a snap decision. It was just so weird and unexpected. I did finally ask about the phone, his ancient flip phone. I saved the charger but it may not even turn on. If it does, I’m not sure what will even be on it, but I do want to see. And it kind of has sentimental value.

I asked for feedback from the Option B Facebook group and got some good suggestions. Some suggested it might be closure. Others told me that I shouldn’t let an object hold any power over me. Finally, my brother asked if he could pick it up. He’s going to do something with it to raise awareness, which is a great idea.

And now, I have both daughters home for a few months. We have some fun trips planned and I know it will fly by. Then I will be living alone for the first time in 27 or so years. I enjoyed it the first time, but I usually saw Patrick on the weekends. I think I will enjoy aspects of it now and I also think I will have a lot of things to keep me busy. For now, I’m just going to enjoy my summer with the girls!

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Two Years (and a few days)

I wanted to write something to mark the two years that have passed. At first I had no words. Then I started and never finished.

We had a great weekend in Davis at Picnic Days and on the 20th we were happy and together. I took a few pictures over the weekend that I wanted to share. We were walking around Friday and one of the first things I noticed was the Phi Delta Theta house. When I saw a second sign, I made everyone walk back so I could take a picture of the house! Lol

The second thing I noticed was a book. Patrick used to always tease us by saying, “You suck!” But he always followed it with “love ya”. I had no idea there was a book with that title!

Then I thought it would be cool if we saw a street musician. I saw a guy standing with a guitar but it seemed like it would be too posed. So the first actual street musician I saw was the banjo player, and I thought that was perfect!

https://www.danellt9.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/img_1448.mov

The next day I noticed exactly one fraternity in the parade, and of course, it was Phi Delta Theta.

Here are a few other pictures followed by my reflections on the two year mark. I got to see my girl playing intramural volleyball and soccer. He would have enjoyed that!

I can still remember waking up that morning to silence. Silence, then surprise that I did not hear him in the shower or moving around downstairs. Concern, but not panic. I had no idea. It’s so odd thinking about the moments before your world changed, and the moments after. Before. After.

My life with Patrick before that day was so much longer than the two years that have passed since then. Maybe that’s why it seems like such a small amount of time. Just a fraction of my life. What will it be like if i live another 30 years or more? I think it will still seem like it’s been forever yet just yesterday when I saw him last.

The second year was harder in some ways, easier in others. The fog lifted and reality set in. I missed having my person but I spent less time crying and made more memories with the girls. He missed awards and honors, two graduations, and multiple college acceptance letters. The girls are truly his legacy and I know he is beaming with pride. I also ventured out into the dating world and have opened up my world to the possibility of sharing my life with someone else.

I would love to not carry this grief around with me. But I don’t regret loving him. I would do it again, even knowing the tragic outcome. I have loved with every ounce of my being. Rest In Peace my wonderful husband. You made my life complete and your memory continues to enrich it.