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I’m in awe of Sierra!!!!!

Patrick loved both of his girls dearly and he had unique relationships with each. The last few days I have been reminded of how proud he was of Sierra.

Sierra. My firstborn. Beautiful. Strong-willed yet loving. Confident. Smart. Witty. She has been a bit more of a challenge to parent, not because she is a bad kid, we just butt heads at times.

Sierra had a special relationship with Patrick. They loved each other dearly. They would have heated arguments about a variety of things. He knew which buttons to push and on more than one occasion she ended up going to her room in tears when he pushed a little too far. And he tested this frequently. They didn’t always see eye to eye but as she got older i think they enjoyed their debates.

He worried about her when she went to college in Long Beach. She frequently called with a variety of car and apartment issues and at one point he was convinced that she needed to just come home. I knew that she would be fine. She tended to react strongly to problems but she always worked through them.

Two years ago today, Sierra got a ride home with her Aunt Denise and surprised us for a weekend visit. I screamed when I opened the door! Patrick had been experiencing a lot of challenges at work since he became the acting Inpatient Rehab Supervisor and it had been a rough week. He was SO happy to see her! They stayed up late talking and when he came to bed he told me that having her come home was exactly what he needed. He was so very happy and proud of her.

Sierra had been telling us she was graduating in three years. We weren’t sure whether or not this was a pipe dream or actually possible. She had not been a straight A student in high school but she was always a really good student and had a lot of AP classes. Patrick and i talked about how amazing it would be if she were actually able to pull this off!

When Patrick was killed, Sierra was in Long Beach. Fortunately Denise was only 1 1/2 hours away. She called Sierra and told her something had happened at home, and to pack a bag and be ready to be picked up. Sierra did as she asked and then waited for her to arrive. She didn’t call or text anyone. I asked her about this recently and she told me that she didn’t really want to know what it was until she was actually with Denise. I think it was a very wise decision.

We cried together as I told her over the phone. Then she came home, moved into my room for a while, and we helped each other through the next few months. She was able to take incomplete grades for that semester and was given a year to make them up. When she returned to school in the fall, I just wanted her to be okay and finish one thing at a time. I assumed the 3 year plan was no longer possible.

She exceeded all of our expectations, making up her classes and sticking to the 3 year plan. She graduated with magna cum laude honors last May. I encouraged her to take a year off to study for and take the LSAT, and apply for law school. This also meant that I had another year of not being alone!

In December, she retook the LSAT and improved her score. At the end of January she submitted her first applications. I assumed it would take a while to hear back but on Friday she walked out of her room with a big grin on her face and told me she had been accepted to Southwestern with a decent size scholarship! She cautioned me that she didn’t want to get too excited because there were others to hear from and she had a few applications left. She didn’t want to make a decision until she knew all of her options. I couldn’t help it though, I sat there and imagined what it would be like to be sharing this moment with Patrick and tears poured down my face. I am SO proud of her and I can just picture the huge grin that would be on his face.

Yesterday she checked the mail and there was an admissions packet from McGeorge, UOP’s law school. UOP is Patrick’s alma mater! Inside there was a letter telling her she had been selected as an Anthony M. Kennedy fellow, an honor that includes a FULL tuition scholarship!!!!! Again the tears flowed! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine she would get this kind of scholarship! Sierra has worked hard and overcome so much. Her dad would be so proud of her! I can’t wait for her to hear from the other schools and make her final decision but WOW, she already has so many options!!! I feel like there is nothing she can’t do! I’m just going to sit back and be in awe of her for a while!

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He kept things running

I am finally free from the boot! Now I am learning to use my foot again. I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay to walk normally. I declined physical therapy, for now at least. Basically I just need to use it and exercise. But, I miss my in-house physical therapist. 💔

I realize more and more all of the little things I took for granted. I have done some silly things lately. If he were around I can imagine him telling these stories at work. I would expect him to. Silly mistakes were fair game in this house!

The Sprinklers – “Danell bought the “smart” sprinkler timer. If it’s so smart, why didn’t it know she accidentally turned it off in October and didn’t water the lawn for two months?”

The Thermostat – “If it’s so “smart” why does it need batteries?” Batteries died and I froze for two days before figuring it out!

The Air Filters – I can’t think of a joke he would make about this but I’m sure he would think of one! I was so happy the first time I changed them because he had a new set in the garage, AND I took a picture of them so I would know what to buy the next time. The date stamp says this was in July of 2016. I didn’t think about them again until last week when my sister was helping my mom change hers. Air filters? Oh yeah, that’s a thing! Oops!

Today I finally put all of the Christmas stuff away. It is all stored in the Harry Potter room under the stairs that he made by cutting a door in the wall. Last year I carefully fit it in while humming the Tetris music. If I ever complained about the dishwasher being too full or no room in a cabinet he would remind me that I loved Tetris and he would start humming the song. I usually didn’t laugh… I laugh now though and he would be proud of how I fit everything into that closet, especially since some of the boxes need to be held up while you shove other ones beneath them. This is not easy since the door is about 3 feet tall! I had to wait until the boot was off to finish this for obvious reasons.

I also finished organizing at least part of the garage so I could reinstall the fence system he designed to keep Aggie from running out when the door opened. I’ve been meaning to do it for months so Maisie could use the dog doors. It made me smile putting it up, knowing he had created it.

And I finally took down the work boots and shirt that hung just inside the door. The work boots are worn and probably need to be thrown out. The shirt I will probably save. So many memories of my big, strong husband wearing it while he took care of the yard and so many other things.

Life gets easier as time goes by. I’m trying to carry on like he would want me to. But I have a newfound appreciation for all he did. And it makes me miss him even more. He was one of a kind!

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Cherish

Last year I started a tradition of choosing a word for the year. For 2017 I chose patience. I think it was a really good word to choose and it was applicable to a lot of different parts of my life. A few times it reminded me to slow down and not rush into things. But I still need more patience so I may need to work on that one for the rest of my life! For 2018 I wanted a clean slate.

I thought it would take a lot of time to choose a word. I set aside some time to think about it and the word cherish just came to me within a few minutes. I think I’ve used this in my blog previously but not as my word of the year. I like that it has several meanings and a lot of synonyms!

Cherish means to protect and care for (someone) lovingly. I especially like this word because it makes me think of how Patrick cared for the girls and I. Anytime I drove somewhere without him he would tell me to “drive safe” because I was “precious cargo”. When we became parents he expanded this to include the girls. I also used this word to explain to one of my daughters that I hoped for her to find a man who would cherish her because she deserved nothing less.

Cherish also means to hold (something) dear. This makes me think of all the memories and traditions associated with Patrick. I will always cherish them!

The last definition I found is to keep (a hope or ambition) in one’s mind. This one reminds me of the goals and plans that I have for my life and the importance of fulfilling them.

For 2018 I want to remember to cherish everything in my life. Although I have experienced a profound loss I also have a lot to be grateful for and I want to cherish that. If I am cherishing life I feel that I am acknowledging that it is precious and I need to enjoy every bit of it, including everyone who is part of my life.

I also want to be cherished. This may seem like a no-brainer. However, when you are alone and lonely, it’s not always the first thing you think of. I know I am cherished by friends and family. I have felt the constant love surrounding me since that awful day last year. But I am also beginning to realize that this will be one of the qualities I look for as I date. I want to find someone that I cherish who also cherishes me. I realize that it will be very easy for me to settle for less than that and I want to remember that it’s important that I don’t.

Finally, I want to cherish who I am and what I do in my life. I need to have a meaningful life! I’m still thinking about my Village of Support idea but the timing hasn’t been right for me. So I will focus on other things I can do.

I like picking a word of the year because it will remind me to check in with my goals regularly. Feel free to share your “word of the year” in the comments!

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Let There Be Joy

And the birthday celebration continues! I just got back from an awesome trip to Disneyland with my best friend Shelly, her daughter Abby, and Sierra. I know, Cathy is my best friend. Fortunately I have enough love for two best friends!

I don’t see Shelly as often now but we worked together at Aetna for 24 years. I was sitting next to Dave when he proposed to Shelly. I rode the party bus to Vegas for their wedding, we both had daughters in 1999 and she suggested the name Camille for my daughter. We’ve had a lot of fun together over the years!

She was also here to support me the day Patrick died. In fact, when she arrived it lightened the mood when I introduced her to someone as my best friend and then looked up to see Cathy looking right at me. It’s been an ongoing joke since then. For the record, Shelly has several other best friends too!

Shelly’s birthday is one week after mine so my original plan was to celebrate my birthday at Disneyland with her. Then I planned my party and I just decided I could have more than one celebration. I usually don’t make a big deal out of it but I have to admit it’s been fun!

When I broke my ankle it almost derailed the trip but I ended up renting a scooter and we went anyway. Shelly brought decorations for my scooter and Abby made sure we both had Happy Birthday buttons. So we spent several days being greeted with “Happy Birthday!!” We also got two special desserts! Zoom in to see the Christmas lights and sign on my scooter!

Shelly and Abby are what I would call Disney Superfans! They knew the best way to go through each park and were a lot of fun! The scooter was a bit of a hassle but I would have been miserable any other way.

I can’t get over the contrast between holidays last year and this year. I know that grief is different for everyone, but for me, time has helped. I still miss Patrick and think of him every day but I also give myself permission to feel joy. And, aside from the pain of a broken ankle, this has been a pretty joyous few weeks for me. Last year I felt like I was constantly holding in the tears and I don’t feel that way anymore.

Sometimes I will suddenly remember something and it will be a little jolt. I’ll be honest, when that happens it would be really easy to just curl up in a ball and cry. I know that no one would fault me. I didn’t choose for this to happen but I can choose how I go forward and I choose as much love, laughter, and joy as I can find. I will still allow myself occasional tears or pity parties but I don’t want to live like that all of the time.

The holidays are a great time of year so let there be joy! I think we could all use some!

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Hiking

The week in Hawaii went by so quickly! We had a great time and I think Patrick would have approved.

Patrick was so full of life, and now that he is gone I feel like we should really LIVE for him! Yesterday we tried to go snorkeling at Hanauma Bay but got there too late and we weren't able to park.

We had planned to go to Diamondhead after Hanauma Bay so we just went there instead. It was exactly the kind of thing Patrick would have enjoyed. He loved to be outdoors! And although this was a pretty tame hike, he would have enjoyed the beautiful views. I couldn't help but reminisce about other hikes over the years.

While we were still in college, several of us decided to hike Half Dome. I was several years removed from being an athlete but how hard could it be? We stocked up on provisions like sodas, chips, and beer. There might have been some sandwiches and water but we mainly carried the worst possible things for a hike like that. Dan and Amy were with us and on the way up either the guys ditched us or we mutually agreed for them to go ahead. We were a little slow but I was determined to make it to the top. Did I mention that no one checked the weather forecast? 🤣🤣🤣 Years later Dina would marry Jeff Young and he would teach Patrick how to seriously hike. Back then, we were young and stupid!

As Amy and I reached the base of Half Dome the guys were coming down and thunder clouds were rolling in. We didn't get to go up. I was disappointed and exhausted from the climb. We started down and hey, someone forgot to tell me that my legs would hurt worse on the way down! Then it started raining and our path soon became a slippery river! Patrick stayed with me and protected me on the way down. I'm not going to lie, I clutched his hand and cried most of the way down! And yet he still stayed with me and loved me! ❤️❤️❤️

We always intended to hike more but we were at such different ability levels. And I was never fit enough to do the kind of hikes he loved. Jeff introduced Patrick and his brothers to real hiking. They all worried that someone would die but Jeff always got them back in one piece, even the time they sent the guy with the worst sense of direction to get water! My husband could get lost driving home!

Our last family hike was the Ontario Ridge trail in the summer of 2014 in Avila Beach. It was almost 3 miles and my Fitbit counted the equivalent of 77 flights of stairs. The way up was okay but there were a few times that Patrick steadied me or took my hand to pull me up. I had been working out and I was proud that I could do the hike. The view from the top was beautiful. The way down was steep and slippery. He patiently helped me down as the girls waited at the bottom. It was a fun day and I'm so grateful for that memory.

There are so many things that I would not have been able to do without Patrick by my side. He was my rock. He gave me such a good life and so many good memories! I still have times that I wonder how I can possibly go on. And there are other times that I am amazed at the gifts he has given me. I credit his love for the girls and I with giving me the strength to keep going. There are still times that I stumble but usually someone is there to help me up. And always there is his voice, telling me "you can do this!"

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Mixed emotions

In 1994 Patrick and I visited Dan and Amy on Oahu. We had a great visit with them and did all of the usual Oahu touristy things. Midweek we went to Maui and spent 2 or 3 nights. Maui was very beautiful and romantic, the perfect place to be with the person you love most in the world. We had such a great time! Sometimes I confuse this trip with my honeymoon, which was also an awesome trip! There's just something about tropical places that screams romance to me. So I love being here but I still feel a piece of me is missing.

This seems to be a recurring grief thing for me. Something good or fun happens and I enjoy it, but it also makes me sad. Luckily, I seem to have more happy than sad times so it's not unbearable. I am enjoying watching the girls experience everything. At the same time I can't help but imagine him here with us. The thing is, we would have never stayed somewhere like this. He would have complained about the price of beer and then conspired to find a way to beat the system. He was frugal and I think he planned to enjoy his hard work someday but that day never came. So here I sit, in paradise, spoiling myself. It's hard not to feel guilty about it…

I know, deep in my heart, that he would have nothing but good feelings and love about us having a good time. So I try to think about that but grief is just so complicated.

I was recently reading posts in a grief forum and another widow said that she buys herself gifts "from her husband" for anniversaries and other gift giving occasions. So I bought myself a few pieces of jewelry from a vendor and I'm going to think of them as gifts. He would roll his eyes but also give me a smile that would melt my heart.

So that's where I am today. Happy, enjoying myself, but also lonely and missing him. I'll try to keep focusing on the first two!

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Everything has changed

I was driving today and it occurred to me that every single thing I was wearing has been purchased after Patrick died. This included the watch, the ring on my right hand, and even my purse and phone. Even the car I was driving was purchased "after". Such an odd feeling. I know I look at least a little different too but he would still recognize me. Still, it takes a long time for things to change this much.

In the last week or so I finally got around to taking his name off joint credit accounts. Honestly it wasn't a huge priority for me. I didn't realize that he was the primary cardholder on some of them. A day or two later an Amazon order didn't go through. After finally calling the company I realized that removing his name actually closed the account. I only had a small balance because I use it to get reward points and pay it off each month. I had to listen to a long disclosure explaining how I wasn't responsible for the charges. I finally interrupted to tell them that I just wanted to pay it off and reapply in my name. I guess I have been committing fraud all this time.

I'm still learning new things about being a widow. I probably should have changed everything over a long time ago but I basically did the necessities and then have dealt with others when ready. I am actually lucky in this respect as some widows don't have the luxury of letting things sit like that. For many widows, losing their husband has a terrible financial impact. Those whose spouse had long illnesses have used up any savings to pay for medical bills and loss of income. Many couldn't afford life insurance. I am grateful that Patrick could and it has at least made things a little easier. When the accounts were closed I realized what a bind that could potentially put a widow or widower in if they suddenly lost access to credit accounts.

I decided it would be a good idea to run a free credit report on him. And I COULD NOT remember his social security number! I couldn't believe it! I've had that number memorized for years!! I know it was just a momentary lapse but it was another reminder of how much has changed. Luckily there were no red flags in the credit report.

I'm sure there will continue to be changes but hopefully they can continue to happen gradually. Change can be good but it's also comforting to hold on to some of the familiar.

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What would Patrick do?

I’m sure I’ve mentioned how much we enjoy imagining how Patrick would react in different situations. He had such a crazy sense of humor and we all knew him so well that it’s not hard to predict how he would react to particular situations. I used to be embarrassed or horrified at his reactions but now I just miss the constant entertainment. Predicting his reaction is my way of keeping his memory alive. The bonus is that it is easier and less painful to smile and laugh than to cry. 

Last summer my sister Dawan suggested we join her family in Catalina for their annual vacation with her husband’s family. It was the kind of distraction we needed last summer and we had a great time. 

We went in the midst of the Pokémon Go craze and we spent a lot of time chasing Pokémon. It helped us work off all of the yummy dinners and snacks. If you’re not familiar with the game, it involves using your smart phone and walking around to find virtual characters and then catch them. I realize that a lot of people thought it was a ridiculous way to spend time, especially for a middle-aged mom like me! I didn’t care because it made me smile!

At some point it occurred to me that Patrick never knew about this game and I mentioned to the girls that he would have had a field day with it. First we would have had a long discussion to explain the game to him. It would be a serious discussion but he would be mocking us the whole time. When he “understood” the game he would probably then suggest that he play it with us. We would remind him for the thousandth time that he did not have a smart phone. He would reply that he had three and then try to get one of us to give him one of those three phones. And there would be no way any of us would let him touch our phones because who knew what he might do with them?!

When he figured out that we weren’t going to give in, he would announce that he could play on his flip phone. Then he would proceed to play an exaggerated version of the game. His version might involve climbing a tree, hopping up and down or using stealth moves. And I’m sure that his version would have special Pokémon that only he could catch. They would have names like alutnarat, booger, and diputs. Or maybe they would be called nystagmus or syncope (two names he actually proposed as baby names). We all had a good laugh imagining his reaction and it made playing the game even more fun!

We just got back from our second trip to Catalina with the Utecht’s and Brandlin’s. This time we added a few teNyenhuis kids to our entourage. Sierra has a “twin” cousin, Dominic. They were born on the same day in the same hospital and Monday was their twenty-first birthday and Catalina was the perfect place to celebrate! We had a great time!


This year was easier than last year. I didn’t seem to notice every single happy couple and I didn’t cry at all. I’m not going to say that I didn’t miss him. I miss him every day and especially when I’m having a great time because he should be there too, right? It’s just a little easier to bear now.

I saw the No Turkeys Allowed sign in Catalina. I think I remember seeing it last year too but it didn’t catch my attention. I happened to be walking by it alone and there were people sitting in the yard it was in. I was almost overcome by a sudden urge to ask them why I couldn’t bring my turkey there. Then I thought of Patrick and I knew he absolutely would have said something. He would have started a crazy rant about discriminating against turkeys. The people would have thought he was crazy. I would have needed to drag him away in embarrassment. I never thought I would miss that but I would give anything for him to annoy me now! He was crazy and unforgettable and that makes it easy for me to imagine him in situations that never happened. He still makes me laugh and laughter is good. ❤️❤️❤️

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Time is flying by

I was pulling out of a parking lot this evening and noticed that there is already a firework stand up. Really??? They can’t even sell them for over two more weeks. I am very familiar with the date they go on sale. One week before the 4th of July, June 27th, my 25th wedding anniversary. How can it be so close?

Of course I knew it was coming. I’ve already scheduled a massage for that day and I plan to find something fun to do. I was really looking forward to this milestone and then I didn’t even get to celebrate the 24th anniversary. 

It’s also Father’s Day and frankly I would just like to fast forward through the next few weeks. We talked about going somewhere fun and we still might but we’ve kind of been on the go a lot. We spent last weekend in San Francisco and saw the musical, Hamilton. The girls have listened to the soundtrack so many times that they almost know it by heart. The play was really good! It’s not 100% historically accurate but I haven’t ever seen kids get this interested in history! During intermission I enjoyed listening to a tween girl and her younger brother discuss their favorite parts with their Dad. They had clearly seen more than one show because they were even comparing actors! Do you know who would have been really interested in the play? Patrick!

In case you didn’t know, Patrick had read biographies on almost every president plus many of the founding fathers, including Alexander Hamilton. I think I remember him talking about how smart Hamilton was. He would have picked apart the historical inaccuracies, made fun of the rapping and then secretly enjoyed the show. I can just hear him creating his own lyrics to show what really happened. He would have driven the girls crazy but they would have loved it! It’s not hard to imagine his crazy reactions because it was daily life with Patrick!

The girls and I enjoy playing the “What would Dad say?” game. Most of the time they are better at it than I am. We always laugh and it makes us feel like a part of him is still with us, which I know is true. 

We will always keep parts of him with us. Sometimes this will be a questionable choice, lol. Today I talked to the smog repair shop. I probably should have just donated the car to a school. Or I could have paid to get it repaired to pass smog, which happens to be an amount roughly equal to the Kelly Blue Book value. Instead I am spending twice what it is worth to also fix the oil leak and the coolant system. Maybe we can still get a trip or two to the beach in? I’m just not ready to say goodbye to it so I’m not going to! By the way, here is the picture that started it all! The day he fell in love! 

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Look out world!

I have known for a while that Camille’s high school graduation would be amazing! Each year it became clearer that she was going to accomplish great things. From the time she started kindergarten every teacher told us what a great student and all around person she was. It’s been so exciting to watch her grow into the beautiful, intelligent, young lady that she is! We knew there would be honors, we just had no idea how many there would be. We couldn’t wait for this year! 

Experiencing her senior year without Patrick was so bittersweet! I tried to always remember that he was with us in spirit but that gets hard when really you just want him physically present. 

This was a tough year in many ways.  I really would have given both my girls a pass if they just phoned it in for the last year. That’s really all I expected.  Instead, just like her big sister, Camille discovered her strength and resilience. Although she loves her Dad deeply, she carried on exactly as he would have wanted.  She radiated love, faith, and strength and I believe it had a big impact on those around her.

She has kept the memory of her Dad alive by recalling funny stories and always having a quick, hilarious response. Like her father, she is loving but not overly emotional. She doesn’t cry a lot but wraps her arms around me if I need to cry. And she never says goodbye without telling me she loves me. 

I knew that Camille was capable of being a leader but she has always been a little shy. I knew that would be her biggest challenge. This year she became a leader!

I don’t know if you’ve seen the story that talks about how we never know when we are experiencing the “lasts” with our kids. Last bottle, last diaper, last time holding them, etc. Every time I read that story I am amazed at how true it is! Last week I was asked to be a chaperone on a field trip to the Asian museum in San Francisco. It was fun to know that I was experiencing the last field trip!

During the museum tour the students were put into groups and they each had to find a particular exhibit, study it, and share with the group. I was surprised that Camille was the spokesperson for her group! A few years ago she would have sooner missed the field trip rather than speak in front of a group. This year she has done it multiple times and even managed to be poised and articulate when she was interviewed by a TV station!

I am overflowing with pride and joy! I am happy that Camille is not only coping, she is excelling! And, just for the record, she graduated second in her class, as A Valedictorian and Academic Scholar of Distinction. She was also recognized for being a life member of California Scholastic Federation, received the principals medallion and was inducted into the Nationsl Honor Society! I can’t wait to see her soar in college!