Posted on

4 years

Another year has come and gone. This day will always be bittersweet with the good and bad memories. Some people choose not to observe death anniversaries but it’s going to be there even if I try to ignore it. And honestly, I don’t ever want to forget the love and compassion shown to me that day. I took screenshots of every message, post, and text and I like to look through them occasionally.

The girls and I went to the cemetery today. We shared some memories and Camille commented on the irreverence of his headstone. He would have loved it! There were several special mementos left there by other family so we knew we weren’t the only visitors.

So much has happened since then. I know he is beaming with pride at all that the girls have accomplished. I think he would also like my new career path. I’m not sure how he would react to the pandemic. Being a healthcare professional, I know he would be familiar with the science and understand the need for the drastic measures being taken. But I think he would also find humor in the fact that toilet paper is a hot commodity. We just know that he would make us laugh, because that’s what he did.

My current class ends on Wednesday. This is also my final class. In honor of Patrick, and as a way to add something happy to April 20th (I know, there is already something associated with 4/20), I submitted my last assignments and my final hours. I am DONE with my degree! My commencement was scheduled for May 1st but has been postponed to October. So, I am going to make my own graduation, on Zoom! I have my cap, gown, and hood and I’ve already lined up a commencement speaker! Can’t wait to be officially employed!

Posted on

Countdown

The big day is six days away! Needless to say I’m laying here awake with my thoughts racing through whatever might be left to do. Thank god I invested in a wedding planner as she has taken a lot of the stress off! Last week I felt like I might be getting sick so I took it easy and got some extra sleep. I can’t afford to be sick!

Something had to give though and I put less focus on studying for the National Clinical Mental Health Counseling Exam (NCMHCE). I took it two weeks ago and I was not surprised when I didn’t pass. The test is divided into two parts and I did well on one part but you need to pass both. Honestly I’m just relieved that I can take a break from studying.

The licensing process is a little confusing since I attend an out of state, online school. Once I graduate in April I can register as an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC). Then I need to have 3,000 hours of supervised experience before I apply for my license. After I registered for the NCMHCE, I found out that California doesn’t allow applicants to take the exam until they have finished their supervised hours. So I actually took it over two years too early! I’m confident I will pass when I take it again.

My schedule is packed this week and if everyone shows up it will be the most clients I have seen in one week, even though I will only be there two days! I wish things were a little slower the week of my wedding but it will probably make time fly by!

I think I am mostly ready. I worry that I’m going to miss something. On Friday we had a final meeting at the venue. The wedding planner asked how we would like to be introduced and I said, ” Mr. & Mrs. Bruce Smith”. In case you didn’t know, that is NOT Bruce’s last name! And I have no idea where that came from! I will never live it down!

So that pretty much sums up my life right now, happy chaos!

Posted on

Unexpected Love Story Part 1 – We Meet

A year after Patrick died I wrote about my experience so far. In One Year Later I described what it felt like to be going on a familiar path and then having everything change in the blink of an eye. I tried to describe how, in the midst of so much sadness, there were still moments of unexpected happiness.

As I entered the second year I started thinking about dating. I have to say that I probably had the idea that I would find someone I was comfortable with, who would be a good companion. They might have faults but I would put up with them because I hated being alone. I didn’t even dare to hope that I would actually find someone I could truly love!

Bruce and I met on OK Cupid last August. I don’t remember who contacted the other first but we not swiped right and started talking on Monday, August 13th (Happy Birthday Shayna Danell 😉). Here is one of his profile pics. I love that it says we like each other!

I seem to remember that we switched to phone calls early on, which I really enjoyed. His profile said he lived in Clovis so I asked him what part of town and he told me his cross streets were Ashlan and Locan and those also happen to be my cross streets! 👀 👀 I think I might have actually looked out the window at that point. 😂 Fortunately he wasn’t a stalker and had lived just across Locan from me for the last 4 years. In fact we have lived less than a mile from each other for the last 16 years. Our kids were in different grades but went to all the same schools together! We made plans to go to dinner that Saturday night but as that got closer I suggested that we meet for coffee on Friday. I met him at Starbucks and we were so comfortable that he suggested we go to dinner. He gave me the option of taking separate cars but of course I wanted to ride in his cute little convertible!

The next night he picked me up for the dinner date we had originally planned. Once again, we were enjoying each other’s company so much that we decided to extend the date and go see a movie (Crazy Rich Asians). From that point on we talked multiple times per day and saw each other almost daily, sometimes walking the short distance between our houses. Usually we would meet in the middle.

I want to get this story right so I decided to divide it up into several parts. I will post more tomorrow!

Posted on

#DONTDRIVEDUMB – 12/31/16

Happy New Year’s Eve! Tonight I’m celebrating with most of Patrick’s family in Grover Beach. I’m in a much better place than I was 2 years ago but this is still a timely reminder to be safe!

Happy New Year’s Eve everyone! Tonight I will be alone at midnight because someone chose to drive while impaired. My resolution for 2017 is to devote time and energy to prevent this from happening to others. Luckily I don’t have to reinvent the wheel in order to make a difference. I am in contact with www.wesavelives.org and will be working with them to see what I can do to make a difference. I challenge all of you to also do what you can to make a difference. Here are some suggestions:

1- #DONTDRIVEDUMB – This is a no brainer but it’s obviously still a problem. If you are impaired in any way, legally or not, don’t get behind the wheel of a car. 

2- Don’t be afraid – it might be uncomfortable to call someone out if they are clearly impaired and getting ready to drive. But it’s probably a lot more uncomfortable knowing you could have prevented a tragedy. Suck it up Buttercup! Take a stand and tell them not to drive! Here is a link to some helpful hints, including intervention techniques: www.wesavelives.org/its-party-time/

3- Take the Courage to Intervene pledge https://wesavelives.org/campaigns/the-courage-to-intervene/

4- Watch and share this video – https://youtu.be/mAFpkKL6c6w

5- Learn more – www.wesavelives.org/3ds/drugged-driving/

6- Donate – In memory of Patrick or any other victim of drunk, drugged or distracted driving www.wesavelives.org/donate/

Be safe out there tonight! Life is precious!

Posted on

I Choose Happy!❤️❤️❤️

I’m in my last week of a class called “Spousal & Child Abuse, Crisis and Trauma Counseling”. I was a little surprised that we weren’t even studying the chapter on bereavement. I think there is a certain expectation that everyone just knows how to handle grief. I’ve learned that is not the case. People have a wide range of reactions to death and no one can really prepare you for it. When you are dealing with it, no one can really tell you how to do it either. For the most part, you find your own way, hopefully with the help of friends and family.

I chose to read the chapter on bereavement. I’m interested because it’s what I’ve been dealing with but also because I would like to be a crisis and trauma counselor and bereavement will be a part of that. Most of you are probably familiar with the “Stages of Death and Dying”. I really think those stages apply to people facing a terminal diagnosis. They can be applied to bereavement also but some of them don’t seem to fit very well. In my textbook I found a newer 4 stage guideline by J. William Worden:

    Accept the loss – At first, this seemed almost offensive to me. But it doesn’t mean you agree with it, just that it happened. This also means that it’s not necessarily healthy to pretend nothing happened. Removing or avoiding reminders does not make it go away. I learned to make small changes that acknowledged the loss without being startling.
    Experience the pain – Grief can be overwhelming! I know that I tried to avoid the pain a lot but it would always hit me when I least expected it. I finally learned to allow myself time to feel it and just let out the emotions. I haven’t needed a good cry in a long time but it certainly helped when I needed it! I found that it helped to know things that would trigger a good cry, and to give myself permission to let it all out.
    Adjust to an environment without the person – grieving families will sometimes try to leave things “as is” in an attempt to honor the deceased. For me, it helped to make minor changes, a little at a time. My mind needed that to remind me that he was gone but I was still there. And I was okay. I didn’t want to be stuck in one place, it would have been dreary to never move forward. I’m not saying that’s how everyone should do it, but it worked for me. Two plus years out I am ready to make larger changes. I’m planning some remodeling but I won’t change everything at once. Baby steps.
    Reinvest emotional energy in other relationships – This one is really important. At first it meant strengthening my connection with all of my family and close friends. Then it expanded to new friends, especially my fellow widows. Now it has progressed to a new relationship. I have a lot of love to give. And I know that Patrick would want me to be happy. I haven’t moved on, I have moved forward.

I could spend my days wrapped up in memories of the years I had with Patrick. This wouldn’t be a horrible thing to do. I have a lot of great memories! But if that is all I did, I would spend a lot of time being sad and missing him. I don’t want to be sad all the time. I choose happy! And I think he would approve!

Posted on

Four U-Hauls and an Empty Nest!!!

Since July 2nd I have rented four different U-Hauls! I’ve driven around town and gone north, south, and west. I knew this would be a busy summer but it didn’t turn out exactly as I thought and that’s a good thing!

I’ll start with the second U-Haul. On August 12th, after a week in Catalina and a wedding, we headed to LA to move Sierra to Loyola Law. It was a quick trip! Zio Matt drove the U-Haul and I was grateful that I didn’t have to! Aunt Denise tagged along and we got her moved in to a beautiful apartment. A month later she is studying hard and enjoying the experience!

The third U-Haul was a cargo van that I rented to take Camille to school. After all my past U-Haul drama, I finally found Rodeo Rentals. The owner is excellent! I was supposed to rent a trailer to tow but I did not have the correct lights on my car so he helped me decide the next best option, which was the easy to drive cargo van. The bonus of the cargo van was the extra space I had to bring IKEA purchases home. More on that later! Camille got settled in and is all ready to start school next week!

So the dreaded empty nest has happened! And I’ve barely had time to think about it! A series of things have happened that have made it a little easier to deal with my empty nest!

Patrick took good care of me and that carried on after he died. The decisions he made have enabled me to have a secure future and I’m very blessed that this has given me opportunities. The biggest opportunity yet came in late June when I went into escrow on a family beach house with my sister and brother-in-law. This is not something Patrick and I would have been able to do but he would have absolutely loved it! I’m so excited about the family trips in the future! Buying and furnishing the house has been fun!

After our offer was accepted we began making plans. I gave up my garage to store the furniture we began accumulating, beginning with an epic Costco trip on July 2nd that required a U-Haul to get our purchases home!

We thought it was going to be a quick escrow but there’s always some sort of snag. So, after a lot of false alarms we officially closed last week, the day I moved Camille to Davis. The trip to IKEA, to get a desk for Camille, morphed into a three hour shopping experience, mainly to get things for my room at the beach house (see picture below).

On Saturday we packed up the fourth U-Haul and drove to the beach house. There is still a lot of work left but we mostly moved in last weekend. I was fortunate that I was able to take my computer and do my school work while I worked on getting everything hooked up.

I still can’t believe how blessed I am to be a part owner of a beach house. Sometimes I feel a tiny bit guilty that I am finding joy in life. This is not what I had planned but I am 100% sure that I have Patrick’s blessing.

Just in case I started feeling too special, reality struck and my Clovis house was semi-flooded when a toilet valve broke. I left paradise and came home to loud fans and musty smells! And guess what? It was not the end of the world and nowhere near the worst thing that has happened to me. Denise and Denny came through just like they always do! Denny shut the water off and Denise dealt with the plumber and the cleanup people until I could get home. I’m not sure what’s going to happen as far as damage and cleanup but I will just deal with it as it comes up.

I’m reluctant to share this next part because I don’t want to jinx it. Right after I moved Sierra to LA, I met someone really special. His name is Bruce. We are enjoying getting to know each other and he is bravely meeting my big, crazy family. His first introduction was a teNyenhuis family get together. And, he was able to help with the beach house move and really get to know my siblings and one set of parents. They loved him! Tomorrow, he’s going to the Boyles family reunion with me! He deserves more than a short little paragraph and I’m sure I’ll write more in the future.

So, it’s been a busy, crazy, wonderful summer. I’m excited to see the girls following their dreams and I am very blessed that the good things happening made it a little easier to face the dreaded empty nest! Hopefully things will slow a little more and I will have more time to write. For now, thank you for always being there for me! ❤️❤️❤️

Posted on

The Days that Change our Lives

I remember growing up and hearing about Pearl Harbor, and the assassinations of John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and Bobby Kennedy. I always thought those must have been difficult days but it was hard to really grasp the enormous effect they had on the nation.

I began to understand a bit more the day the Challenger exploded. I was going to school to be a teacher and was really excited that a teacher was going into space. I couldn’t watch the lift-off because I had class and I think I was in class when I heard about it. I left school after that class and went to watch the news with Ruben, my boyfriend at the time. I was sure that the astronauts were in some sort of escape pod and would be pulled safely out of the ocean. I held onto that hope for hours before finally realizing there would be no rescue. I think that may have been the first time that I realized our nation was not as invincible as I thought.

Almost 10 years later I watched in horror as the devastation in Oklahoma City was shown. This was upsetting in a different way as I realized that there were truly evil people in the United States and world. There were other tragedies over the years but I always assumed that my generation, and the ones that followed, would never experience the fear and horror that our parents and grandparents experienced.

On the morning of September 11, 2001, I wasn’t feeling well and was still in bed and planning to call in sick. Then the phone rang and it was my sister Denise calling. She was in tears and told me that two planes had hit the World Trade Center. I turned on the news and Patrick and I watched as the terror unfolded. I felt like the world was falling apart. For a while it seemed like it wouldn’t end as we received word of additional crashes and watched as the towers fell. I spent that day and the next several days waiting for people to be rescued from the rubble. I couldn’t imagine that so many people would be dead.

This was also the first time I realized that when things like this happen, and you have people depending on you, it’s important to hold it together for them. I’m not saying this to brag, it’s just the way life is. I pulled myself together and went to work. I knew that life wasn’t stopping, people would still be calling Aetna, and my team would need to answer calls.

The phones were slower than usual, which was a blessing. At one point I left and bought a small tv for my desk and it was tuned into the news a lot of the time over the next few weeks. We were preparing for Customer Service Week and the City of Fresno was issuing a Proclamation in recognition of that. On the afternoon of September 11th I had a meeting with our HR rep to draft the proclamation. I couldn’t believe she still wanted to meet. I just wanted to pick up my babies and go home to watch the news! We got through it and I left for the daycare center. When I got there it was just like any other day. They knew they couldn’t focus on the terror and it was the right decision but it was very strange to me at the time. Things slowly went back to normal, at least as normal as anything could be. A few weeks later the mayor, Alan Autry, came to Aetna to deliver the proclamation and speak to us. He managed to take the message of customer service and tie it into patriotism. He reminded us that we were all doing our part to keep the country going. He ended by encouraging us to join him in singing God Bless America and it was very inspiring.

September 11th affected me profoundly and the world hasn’t really been the same since then. In those early days we all came together as a country and that made us all stronger. Sometimes it feels like our country will never be united like that again and that makes me sad. I wish that we could all focus on our commonalities instead of differences. You never know when we will need to come together again to get through another tragedy.

I think there have been many things in my life that prepared me for the personal tragedy I was destined to experience. 9/11 taught me that I have inner resources of strength that I didn’t even know existed. I also learned that no matter what, life goes on. People say that I’m strong and many people feel they don’t have that kind of strength. I prefer to think I am determined. Determined to keep moving forward. Determined to show my girls how to move forward. Determined to leave a legacy for Patrick. I will never forget 9/11 and I will never forget Patrick.

Posted on

First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for Clovis Unified. I watched as all my friends posted pictures. I never did the cutesy pictures. I wasn’t that organized! Seeing all of the pictures today reminded me of all of the first days and how much fun it was to watch the girls grow into young ladies. I’m glad that Patrick was there for most of that journey.

This is actually the most momentous first day of school yet for our household! Today Sierra started her first day of law school at Loyola Law in Los Angeles! We actually moved her a week ago since she had orientation last week. Then she came home this last weekend and it will be the last time for a while I’m sure.

She already had homework even before classes officially started today. I can already see a change in her. She left to go back before noon yesterday so she could do homework. She used to leave at 6:00 or 7:00 to go back to Long Beach!

Patrick would be so proud of her! She’s always been a good student but she has shown tremendous resiliency in the last two plus years. I’m happy that they both developed their father’s focus when it comes to school work. I did okay but I have to say their grades more closely resemble his.

My current class is on crisis and trauma. Today I read an interesting passage in my textbook, Crisis Assessment, Intervention, and Prevention. The authors, Lisa Jackson-Cherry and Bradley Erford, said “Successfully dealing with adversity often results in an outcome that is better than one that might have been reached without the adversity”. It seems odd to say that my girls are doing better because of Patrick’s death but I think they have each found their own way of dealing with adversity and in getting through this, they have become stronger. I believe that they consciously made this decision and are not only merely doing it because it’s what is expected. I am proud to call them my daughters!!!!

Posted on

Music to my heart

The whole online dating thing just about made me crazy! I really thought I was going to need lessons! I will confess that I read multiple books. Books about how to write the perfect dating profile. Books about how to text men. Books about dating men from Mars. I was obsessed!!! I obsessed over pictures and I spent a lot of time deciding on the list of attributes, hobbies, etc. that I was looking for. Guess what? None of that really matters.

I haven’t posted in a while because I met a guy. And I don’t want to jinx things. No one has met him yet but that will happen soon enough.

I knew I was going to like him when he started sending me YouTube videos of music that I love! A lot of them! 🙂 And, I don’t have to agonize over how to communicate! I really didn’t need any of those books to meet him and get to know him. Sometimes it’s just that easy.

Dating someone is more of an adjustment than I thought it would be. It’s a good kind of adjustment but in a way, it’s kind of an identity adjustment. I was a wife, then a widow, and now a girlfriend. But I will always be a widow. And that’s a little hard to reconcile. You want to be sensitive but at the same time, Patrick will always be a part of me. My guy understands that. He’s read parts of my blog and one of the first things he said was that he was happy to be a part of my life after Patrick.

A few days ago I wore my special necklace that says “a piece of my heart is in heaven”. I debated whether or not I should but I finally decided, I’ve gotta be me. I really didn’t think he would even notice. But he did notice and then he said, “Awwwww” and gave me a hug.

So I haven’t spent as much time writing lately but I’m definitely not done writing. I really wanted to check in and let you know that I am doing well and I am happier than I’ve been in a while. 🙂

And here’s what he sent me today… Crazy for You by Madonna💖💖💖

Posted on

Faith of my Mother

Today I interviewed my mom for an assignment on older adult development. I should be writing my paper but I’m trying to wrap my head around all of the old and new information I have now.

I wish I would have had this kind of conversation with her earlier in my life, but I also think that the knowledge I have gained in my education gives me a different level of insight into her history.

My mom is one of the happiest and most loving people I know. Anyone who is Facebook friends with any of her children or grandchildren has probably seen her comment on a post to express her pride and love of them! She loves her family more than anything and is always grateful for any amount of time we spend with her. We were raised in a loving, Christian home and my siblings and I all agree that this made us who we are today.

My parents divorced when my sisters were adults and Denny and I were teenagers. And, of course, this impacted all of us in different ways, but it didn’t define our childhood. We had a very good childhood. My mom was not so lucky.

In his younger days, my maternal grandfather spent a lot of time in bars. I’m assuming this was part of the reason my maternal grandparents divorced when my mom and their two other children together were very young. From that point forward their childhood became chaotic. At that time mothers were usually given custody, so they would live with their mom for a while then she would “run off with a new man” and my mother’s grandma would call her father to tell him to come get the kids. Eventually they would go back to their mom. As a result, she moved so frequently that she had few childhood friends since she was never in one place long enough.

At the age of 9, my mom was raped by her stepfather. Things were very different back then. Evidence was collected in the police station and until future custody was resolved she was placed in juvenile hall in a room with bars and a locked door.

At nine years old.

For three months, three weeks, and three days.

Protective custody.

That was the standard procedure in 1950. They didn’t want anyone to influence the child prior to court proceedings. No one thought about the impact that would have on a nine-year-old.

Grandpa was in Arkansas and it took a while for him to get back to California. Mom wasn’t really sure why it took so long for him to pick her up, but she knew exactly how long it took.

Three months, three weeks, and three days.

She did have some interaction with the other residents and, as you can imagine, most of them were not the victims of crimes. She does remember that a church group came each week and took them to Sunday school. They had fun activities and could win prizes such as a bowl with a goldfish, or dolls. By the time she left she had about ten dolls. She kept them until age 15 when her dad convinced her that she was too old for them and gave them away. I never understood where she developed her love of dolls, that continued into adulthood with a collection of porcelain dolls. The dolls that she bought for each of her granddaughters have a whole new meaning for me now.

She remembers her father attending the hearings so it seems like he probably couldn’t get custody of her until after the hearings. She also remembers seeing her mom outside the courthouse with her husband, the man who raped her. They were walking, holding hands, and eating ice cream cones.

After she left juvenile hall she was able to stay with her dad for the rest of her childhood. She had a loving stepmother who had no biological children and raised them as her own. Her name was Janell and I am named after her. She was, and always will be, my grandma.

I asked my mom how she got through all of this. She said that when she was very young her grandmothers would take them to Sunday school. She remembers asking Jesus into her heart at a church youth group event at a skating rink at age 13 but she feels she was a Christian long before that. And she credits prayer and her faith with getting her through her time in juvenile hall and everything bad that has ever happened to her.

She started going to church on her own from the time she was old enough to go alone and eventually her family started attending, including her uncle, Carl Hatch, who would become a pretty well-known evangelist in Texas.

In her early forties Mom found herself alone again after my parents divorced. This is not a story I can tell except to say that my Mom did not choose to be divorced. And, due to a series of events that happened after that, culminating in a deacon at our church calling to say that Mom should not teach Sunday school anymore, I kind of lost my faith in organized religion. Today I realized how ironic that was. My mom survived all of the trials of her life due to her strong faith, but I lost my faith when someone questioned hers.

I’m still a Christian, a Catholic now. Patrick also had really strong faith and it’s one of the things I admired about him and his family. I didn’t attend mass as often as he did, and I have struggled with it since he died. Recently, Camille and I started going whenever she is home from school and I am trying to be more consistent. Talking to my mom today made me realize I need to try a little harder.