Posted on

Time is flying by

I was pulling out of a parking lot this evening and noticed that there is already a firework stand up. Really??? They can’t even sell them for over two more weeks. I am very familiar with the date they go on sale. One week before the 4th of July, June 27th, my 25th wedding anniversary. How can it be so close?

Of course I knew it was coming. I’ve already scheduled a massage for that day and I plan to find something fun to do. I was really looking forward to this milestone and then I didn’t even get to celebrate the 24th anniversary. 

It’s also Father’s Day and frankly I would just like to fast forward through the next few weeks. We talked about going somewhere fun and we still might but we’ve kind of been on the go a lot. We spent last weekend in San Francisco and saw the musical, Hamilton. The girls have listened to the soundtrack so many times that they almost know it by heart. The play was really good! It’s not 100% historically accurate but I haven’t ever seen kids get this interested in history! During intermission I enjoyed listening to a tween girl and her younger brother discuss their favorite parts with their Dad. They had clearly seen more than one show because they were even comparing actors! Do you know who would have been really interested in the play? Patrick!

In case you didn’t know, Patrick had read biographies on almost every president plus many of the founding fathers, including Alexander Hamilton. I think I remember him talking about how smart Hamilton was. He would have picked apart the historical inaccuracies, made fun of the rapping and then secretly enjoyed the show. I can just hear him creating his own lyrics to show what really happened. He would have driven the girls crazy but they would have loved it! It’s not hard to imagine his crazy reactions because it was daily life with Patrick!

The girls and I enjoy playing the “What would Dad say?” game. Most of the time they are better at it than I am. We always laugh and it makes us feel like a part of him is still with us, which I know is true. 

We will always keep parts of him with us. Sometimes this will be a questionable choice, lol. Today I talked to the smog repair shop. I probably should have just donated the car to a school. Or I could have paid to get it repaired to pass smog, which happens to be an amount roughly equal to the Kelly Blue Book value. Instead I am spending twice what it is worth to also fix the oil leak and the coolant system. Maybe we can still get a trip or two to the beach in? I’m just not ready to say goodbye to it so I’m not going to! By the way, here is the picture that started it all! The day he fell in love! 

Posted on

It’s not as hard, but it isn’t any easier

May was a crazy, busy month! Awards, graduations, moving Sierra, multiple parties… I’m enjoying the fact that things are a bit slower this week. I was worried that it would be a big let-down but we do have a lot planned for the summer so I have things I am looking forward to.

I have to say that 13 1/2 months later it still doesn’t seem real. Time has definitely passed and there have been a lot of changes but it also seems like I saw him just yesterday. 

Setting goals and making plans seems to help me a lot. I added the girls to my gym membership (Urban Block Fitness) and tomorrow will be day four for them. Camille is probably in the best shape overall so we are kind of getting a kick out of the fact that she is feeling the pain! Like me, she is not used to the type of arm workouts that we do at the gym. She is looking forward to having arm strength! Sierra went with me over spring break and incorporated some of what we did into her workouts so she is not as sore but we are ALL feeling it this week. I missed a lot of workout days in May so I’m making up for lost time!

Tomorrow I also start a new class and for three weeks I’m going to be enrolled in two classes. I’m overlapping the classes so I can take a break for vacation in August. I hope it’s not too much. I guess I still worry that if I put too much on my plate I might fall apart. I don’t think that’s going to happen but I still try to make sure it doesn’t. 

My days are mostly good now unless I think about it too much. There is always going to be this ache deep inside of me. Right now I just can’t allow myself to visit that place very often. I don’t think I’m in denial, more like self-protective mode. The best way to describe where I am now is this, it’s not as hard but it isn’t any easier. I know that’s a contradiction but it just seems to fit the way I feel. 

I put my wedding ring back on for Sierra’s graduation and I can’t get it off now. So I guess I needed to have it on a little bit longer. I imagine Patrick chuckling about that. 

Posted on

One year later

Patrick has been gone for 365 days. I’ve only seen him in videos and pictures. Some days it seems like just yesterday and on others it feels like an eternity. I’ve tried to share my journey with others. This is mainly for selfish reasons as I seem to feel much better when I write everything out. But I have also heard that others have found this helpful and that makes me happy.

Imagine that you are taking a walk. The weather is mostly perfect and the scenery is beautiful. As you walk you are holding the hand of the person you most want to walk this path with. Occasionally there is a hill and sometimes you stumble but your partner is always right there to help you.  You carry many memories with you and in the distance you can see many places that you want to go and you anticipate these experiences with excitement. You have the path memorized and you know exactly how to get where you want to go.

Suddenly there is an earthquake, worse than you ever imagined. A huge chasm opens up in the path in front of you.  You feel your partner slipping and suddenly they have disappeared. The destruction is so great that you can’t even see the places you had planned to go. The experiences you had dreamed of are no longer possible.

At first you feel like jumping into the chasm and looking for your lost dreams. You don’t really see any other option. Suddenly you see that there is another path leading away from the chasm. This path has not been used as often and it is not as easy to navigate. Sometimes you need help clearing the way. Parts of the path seem dangerous and frightening and the chasm always seems to be nearby. But you start to notice that there are some interesting things ahead. There are other people traveling the path and you begin to enjoy their company. They help to clear the path and point out destinations that you didn’t realize were there. This is a much different path than you had planned. You haven’t forgotten about your missing partner or the plans you had with them but you realize that they would be happy that you found this new path and would want you to continue on.

That may be a little corny but that is how my life is. I am now on a completely different path that I did not choose but it is not as awful and scary as I thought it would be. There are new dreams and hopes for the future. I feel that Patrick walks this path with me and helps steer me in the right direction. He can no longer hold my hand but he still keeps me from falling.

Over the last year I have met so many wonderful people and became re-acquainted with some old friends. I was able to leave a job that I was burnt out on and embark on a journey toward a new career. The girls and I have spoiled ourselves a bit and had some great adventures with more planned. None of us will have a future exactly like we planned but we will have a future and good things will happen. We will face adversity but we will always remember that we survived the worst thing imaginable and we can probably survive just about anything.

I will always miss my husband but I know that my story has not ended. He has provided for my future and I am able to focus on doing positive things and pursue a career where I hope to make a difference in people’s lives.

The girls are doing better than I could have ever imagined. They also miss their Dad but they are choosing to live the kind of lives he would want them to. We have pulled each other through this.

I have heard many different things about observing or not observing the anniversary of death. I can’t imagine how you would ever ignore it so we are choosing to be together, with other loved ones. We will spend the day at Shaver since he loved to be there. We may paddle the canoe around the lake or take a hike. He will be right there with us.

Thank you for all of the love and support in the last year! Keep it coming because this grief journey is not over! We love you all!

Posted on

A Bit of Closure 2/16/17

This was originally posted on 2/16/17. I am reposting today since the defendant has completed his program. I’ll make a new post about that also. The image is the picture I planned to show the defendant.

Court is over finally. The defendant will spend 316 days in a treatment facility. I will write more about it later. Here are the statements we read. FYI “addressing the defendant” means addressing his back.

Statement read by Denny
Testimony

Your honor, I want to thank you for the opportunity to address the court. I’d like to start by reading a note from Daniel teNyenhuis, Patrick’s brother who cannot be here today. Dan is a retired United States Marine who still works to keep our nation safe. While we are in court for the sentencing of the man who caused his brother’s death, Dan is at work defending us.

These are Dan’s words –
“Patrick John teNyenhuis was my first friend and will always be my friend. I knew Pat before I knew anyone else. I spent my formative years with him. He significantly contributed to my personality and character. I owe much of my success to his influence. Yes, Patrick John teNyenhuis did live a blessed live. Pat deserved every blessing he received, including his three girls, Danell, Sierra, and Camille. Pat earned his other blessings through hard work and dedication, including his career as an expert Physical Therapist where he routinely helped others in need. Patrick John teNyenhuis was a COMPLETE man in mind, body, and spirit; from his music and career, to his health and physical fitness, to his family and faith. During his life, Patrick John teNyenhuis met people from all walks of life through his profession and his hobbies. Pat could talk with crowds and keep his virtue; he could walk with kings without losing his common touch. The world is a lesser place without the skills, music, and wit of Patrick John teNyenhuis. We all miss him.
–Daniel Joseph teNyenhuis

I can’t do a better job than Dan to describe Pat or the impact his life had on everyone around him.

Before I sit down, though, I want to talk about the impact his death had, and the actions that brought us all here today.
It’s important that everyone in this room understand that we are not here by accident. Recently, following a court appearance, a member of the defendant’s family told us that they were praying for us, but it was an accident. That is a lie.

Pat’s death was not an accident. He died because of the irresponsible, selfish and illegal actions of the defendant.
The defendant chose to buy an illegal drug.
The defendant chose to take that illegal drug. The defendant chose to get behind the wheel of a car and drive while under the influence of that drug and the sleep deprivation that resulted from its use. Whether it was intentional or not, the defendant then hit and killed Patrick. No logical person argues these facts.

Where logic still fails us all is the lack of accountability being shown here, and the total lack of justice.

The defendant will be back with his friends and family within a year, while Patrick is gone forever from our lives.

Neither are things we can change. We have to try and accept them, and choose to honor Pat’s legacy rather than live our lives filled with anger over the unimaginably deep and painful hole he left behind.
We will spend the rest of our lives following Patrick’s examples.

When this legal process started, many of us hoped that the defendant would be accountable for his actions and would take responsibility. As we learned more about his long criminal history, we were forced to give up that hope. On April 20 of last year the Defendant forever changed the lives of our family and his own. The only hope I have left for some positive outcome from this terrible crime, is that it is not too late for everyone in this courtroom to learn from a better example. For that hope I offer the memory of Patrick.
Patrick was a man who loved God and his family. Patrick was a man who worked hard, every day of his life. Patrick was a man who worked for everything he achieved in life and always shared what he had with those in need. Patrick was a man who often worked six days a week to provide a better life for his wife and children. Patrick was a man who had dreams and worked hard to achieve them. Patrick was a man who touched the lives of everyone he met. Patrick was a man who accepted the blame when he made mistakes and did everything he could to do better.
Patrick was a man.

Today I asked the court to do all it can to encourage the defendant to be a man from this day forward. To be a man and accept the terrible results of his crime. To be a man and work hard to change his life, so that this awful scene is not repeated. To be a man and work hard to give his children a better example. To be, a man.
Your honor, I thank you.

My Statement
My name is Danell teNyenhuis. For the last 24 years, I was Patrick’s wife. Our marriage began in 1992 and ended on April 20th, 2016 when you took his life.

I am not a vindictive person. I know very little about you. I know you are a father and I know that you made a series of poor choices that
resulted in Patrick’s death.

There is no punishment that will make up for the loss my daughters and I have suffered due to your choices. Unfortunately, our legal system was unable to find a way to adequately hold you accountable. So, you will do your time and then have the rest of your life ahead of you.

What will you do with the rest of your life?
Let me tell you how Patrick lived his life. He was an amazing husband! We were truly partners in life. He helped with everything including doing the grocery shopping and most of the cooking. He also found time to make me feel special and loved. He made all of my dreams come true. He was a wonderful father to our daughters, Sierra and Camille. His daughters were his pride and joy! When they were infants he would get up with them at night, change their diapers and then bring them to me to nurse. When they began eating solid foods he made all their baby food from scratch. He attended sporting events, helped with science projects and truly enjoyed spending time with them. They are beyond devastated by his loss. In the next year one will graduate from high school and one from college. Someday they will get married and have children and he will miss these important milestones.

Patrick was an excellent physical therapist. I know because he helped me rehabilitate after hip surgery. I also know due to the numerous
patients who have reached out to me since his death. Here is just one of the many stories that have been shared.

In 2009 I had a surgery which resulted in damage to my femoral nerve. Patrick became my physical therapist for an entire year, 3 times per week, as he persisted to try to figure out the best therapy routine and exercise regime to help my femoral nerve
regenerate and function. He did not know if the nerve was severed, crushed, stretched or who knows what, but he was relentless in the challenge to help me be able to use my right leg
again. I developed the greatest respect for him, his physical therapy skills, his tenacity and determination to take on the challenge and master the results successfully for me, as well as for his professional skills and efforts. The therapy was successful because of his training, perseverance and knowledge. I was able to move and functionally use my right leg again. He told me that I was a rehab miracle. The truth is, the miracle was God’s divine intervention transferred through Patrick’s passion for healing, professional skills and caring personality for his clients,
including me. He became not only my therapist but my friend during those sessions.

Patrick was also a devoted son and brother. And he was loved by 22 nieces and nephews and numerous extended family members. He was a good friend to many but was also humble and felt he only had one friend. His funeral service was standing room only.

He was a great provider for his family and he worked overtime most weekends to ensure that he could pay for his daughters to go to
college. He was unselfish and spent very little money on himself.

I could go on and on but I think by now you might be realizing how many people were affected by his death. In my opinion you have been given the gift of a second chance. Will you choose to continue the same path and risk making a poor choice again? My challenge to you is that you learn from this tragedy. Do your time and then change your life. Do
something positive. Make a difference in the world. Share your story as a lesson to others. I am not ready to offer forgiveness. But, if you want to atone for this then make your life matter.
The girls Instagram posts from 4/20/16, which I read in court.

Dina’s Statement

I’m Dina teNyenhuis, Patrick is my brother.

I’m not going to talk about Patrick being senselessly taken away from us because there are no words to describe the grief and anguish and pain it has caused our family. I’m going to talk about “accidents”. What is an accident? I think everyone in this room knows what one is. The problem with accidents is sometimes the ChoicesWeMake are what cause them to happen.

When my students would make poor choices and then claim that the result of their choices “was an accident,” I used this example to explain to them that they can’t hide behind that excuse: If you choose to climb up on a table and start dancing, then you fall off the table and break your arm, or another student’s arm – it was your choice to climb in the table – something you shouldn’t have done in the first place, that led to the “accident”, even if you didn’t intend to fall off.

If we make choices to do certain things or choose a certain type of lifestyle, there are consequences to those choices and to the “accidents” those choices lead to. We put ourselves in positions that can cause negative circumstances or “accidents”. Those are within our control. Our negative choices caused them.

Posted on

Calming the chaos – 1/13/17

This was originally published on my Tumblr blog and I hadn’t moved it over yet. I’m moving it now to go with a new post on the same topic!

In the aftermath of Patrick’s death there has been ongoing disorganization in my household. The initial disorganization was the chaos in my mind as I struggled to take what was once my dependable life and reorganize it into an unexpected future. I call this widow fog or grief fog and it still reappears at times.

Disorganization is actually a really good word for the mental state I have been in. Since early in our relationship we had been on this life path that was pretty carefully planned out. The plan went on and on but suddenly he was gone. I’m still trying to process the fact that the original plan is finished and the new plan is not complete. The remaining items in the plan mainly involved the girls. Get them through school, hopefully marriage someday and eventually grandchildren. Those things will still happen, just not as planned. The more obvious disorganization is in the house.

On the day he died and for weeks afterward I ceased to care about my house. Aside from my initial concern that it was cluttered, once the worst was confirmed I simply didn’t care. Other people took care of things. People brought food and things like water, paper plates, paper towels… different people cleaned up. Items found temporary new homes. Things needed to be done and everyone knew I didn’t care where they put the dishes after they were washed. I caused some disorganization as I searched for pictures and other items to display at the service. I was obsessed with capturing his essence and I seem to keep pictures in a lot of different places. I also spent time going through drawers and boxes looking for things. I didn’t care about putting things back exactly as I found them. We are approaching 9 months and I am still disentangling the chaos. Sometimes I just don’t understand how there is still so much.

The garage especially confounds me. Patrick had a weight machine in the garage. The area around it had to be clear in order for him to workout, which he did multiple times each week. That area is now one big pile of confusion. I finally figured out that there was a home for everything but Patrick’s preferred method of storage was based on the game Tetris. I’m convinced that there is only one way to put things back and only he knew that.

Some things belong in hard to reach places or involve a feat of physical strength to get them put away. Like most garages we probably need about 1/5 of the things we have in there. And I guarantee you that Patrick would have said it was a smaller number. A tenth, or even smaller. He always joked about renting a dumpster and putting most of what we own in it because, “We have too much stuff”.

I have a housekeeper now and I know he would definitely have an opinion about this. In fact I know what his opinion was. Even though we never had a housekeeper he always said that people had to clean up before the housekeeper came. Once this was done, why do you need a housekeeper? I am paying them to clean toilets, vacuum and dust. The biggest service they are providing is motivation. Every two weeks everything needs to be in it’s “home”, ready for the housekeepers. So far this has been accomplished by having a few off limits rooms. Last time I made it my mission to get the sunroom at a point where they could at least clean most of it. The loft/office area is next on the list.

I really can’t stress enough what a mental boost it is to have things clean and organized. Maybe it is just me and other people wouldn’t care? I try to go to Goodwill every week or two. I know I could have a garage sale but I am not willing to store items in anticipation of that. Sometimes you need to do it in stages. I did some organizing and downsizing in the kitchen over the summer and I am planning to do it again at some point. This week I tackled the spice cabinet, which was ridiculous! Who thought up the Tupperware spice containers? I had the full set, carefully labeled with various spices. I don’t normally cook very much! Patrick pretty much used salt, pepper, garlic and hot sauce. And did you know that most spices are really only good for around 12 months! I had no clue! And the spice companies are smart! A lot of them are not labeled with a use by date. So, you’re already at a disadvantage and then you put them in a Tupperware container with no date!!!??? I threw out at least 4/5 of the spices in the cabinet. I’m too embarrassed to tell you the oldest confirmed date on a spice but it was older than Sierra. 😂😂😂 And seriously, I bet the Tupperware ones were even older!

Yesterday I was working on the loft, going through pictures and greeting cards. I have a lot of random unused cards. I like to keep some on hand but I also forget to take them with a gift so I found several age specific children’s cards and I set them aside even though I probably won’t remember that I already have a card for a 2 year old’s birthday. I also found “To The Special Man I married”. I know there are more like this. We didn’t always make a big fuss about birthdays and I always intended to give him his card… But life is busy and a card for your spouse is not one that you quickly sign. There is so much to say. I really wish I had taken the time to write those words and give him that card. I’m not going to dwell on it, he knew I loved him. But if I had it to do over again…

Today I will organize a little more and I will keep working on it until everything has a place and is neatly stored there. Hopefully the organization will clear a little more of the fog. I need to be able to see what lies ahead on my new path.

Posted on

Growth rings – 12/9/16

Originally posted on 12/9/16:

Yesterday I started working on my afghan for the first time since Patrick died. I am using an infinity loom and technically it is knitting, which I don’t know how to do without the loom. I bought the loom when I was recuperating from surgery in early 2015. It took me the rest of that year to finish. I decided midway through that it was for Cathy. She is always cold and the color I had chosen was one of her favorites. I finished her afghan on January 1st of this year according to the date stamp of the picture I took of it. I started my afghan right after that and so far I’ve done about 4 inches so I have a long way to go.

I chose really soft yarn that is multi-colored with deep pinks and purples. I like the loom because you don’t need to count each stitch. On Cathy’s afghan, I alternated stitches and did an entire row at a time. For mine, I chose a basket weave pattern and it’s kind of a pain! Four knit stitches and then 4 purl stitches repeated throughout the row. You do three more rows exactly like that and then you switch the order. You end up with little four by four squares of the alternating stitches and it is pretty but it takes focus and I haven’t had much of that.

 

Eight months later and I have no idea what row or stitch I was on. I remembered that I made notes so I was able to figure out which stitch sequence I was on but I had no idea which row and that’s a problem with this pattern. After agonizing over it I decided I was just going to pick where I thought I was and if it resulted in imperfection, so be it.

Maybe my afghan will be like the growth rings on a tree. Nice and orderly and then a shock to the system. For trees, this could be a fire or drought. For me, it is the upheaval of my life when Patrick died. I decided that even if it was imperfect I would eventually get back to a set pattern and the afghan would be a reminder that I kept moving forward despite the shock to my system.

 

Everyone always tells me how strong I am so I must be missing my calling. Clearly, I am a good actress! The girls both got back to their old routines relatively quickly and I am still not working. Younger people are pretty resilient but I am still proud of how well they have done! I try to be careful about what I post about them, especially in my blog, but I am going to make an exception and be a proud Mama for a bit!

 

Both of my girls received communication from teachers this week that spoke to their ability to weather this tragedy and not only function but excel in their schoolwork. Sierra’s occurred when she turned in a final assignment. Camille’s was via comments on letters of recommendation she received from several teachers. I also had a chance to read several essays Camille wrote for scholarship applications. Out of respect for their privacy, I will not post the specific essays/letters or comments but I am really proud of both of them!

 

Today I am 49 years and 8 days old. This is significant because Patrick was 49 years and 7 days old on the day he died. All of those years that I joked that he would always be older and now I have passed him up. It’s a strange feeling that I will continue aging and he won’t. I’ve said from the beginning that Patrick hated the thought of getting old. I imagine that he is laughing a little at the thought of me passing him up and if there’s any solace it’s the fact that he does not have to experience old age or any of the physical problems that come with it. I, on the other hand, will continue making growth rings. I hope that each year I cover up more of the scars from 2016. They’ll never be completely gone but time will lessen their impact.

 

As I got ready to put away my afghan for the night I remembered that I DID actually have a way to track the rows. I had been using a row counter and when I searched through my bag, there it was! I was working on row 32 prior to April 20th. This conflicted with what I had determined and I should have changed my pattern at the end of that row. Instead, I continued for two more rows so now I will have 4 by 6 boxes instead of 4 by 4. I’m sure I could pull out the two rows and fix them but I think I will leave it the way it is. The imperfection will serve as a reminder that this was a bad year but there will be other years.

I will grow stronger, never the same, but on the path to all of the blessings I know I will experience in future years. Just like a fire can devastate a forest, 2016 has devastated me. This devastation will always be a part of my history but I have the opportunity to make new, healthy, growth rings and that’s what I choose to do.

Update 8/16/20 – The funny thing about this post is I still haven’t finished the afghan! When I finally DO finish it there will be all kinds of growth rings!

Posted on

Kind of lonely – 12/4/16

8/16/20 – I have never finished moving my Tumblr posts to this blog. Bear with me while I catch up!

One of the hardest things to deal with these days is loneliness. Not the “I’m alone and have no one to hang out with” kind. I miss having someone who loves me. Someone who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. I miss having someone who will hold me if I need to cry. I miss having a husband. I miss MY husband. Unfortunately, this is the kind of lonely that can’t be filled right now.

I am not interested in meeting someone new at this point so let’s not even start those discussions. I do have the capacity to love again but I think I would be very, very picky. I was always grateful that I didn’t have to experience much of the “dating” scene and I still don’t have any desire to do that. I’m thankful that I have connected with a lot of fellow widows. Some are friends who lost their husband before I did. Some are new friends and some of those I have never even met in person. They “get” it.

The nice thing about knowing so many is that they are all at different points. Some are even remarried. I feel hopeful when I see that they have moved forward and are able to function. That is comforting. Some days I wonder how I am even able to go on without him. Seeing others who are moving forward gives me hope.

Every day I am surprised that I still have such raw feelings. I can go for longer periods feeling relatively okay and there are a lot of times I even feel happy. Still,  I am randomly assaulted with vivid memories. They don’t have to be anything major. Today Matt taught me how to massage some of the swelling out of Camille’s ankle. As I was doing it she casually mentioned times that Patrick had also done this. In a way it made me feel close to him but I was also incredibly sad that he was not here to do it.

My birthday ended up being mostly okay. I was really sad early in the day and I decided that I would give myself permission to mourn. Not that I haven’t been mourning but I try not to do too much at once. I allowed myself to cry a little and that was good since it tends to build up. Later in the day, I got flowers from Sierra! I had worried that at some point someone would send my flowers at a time when he might have. And I really didn’t like the idea of “sympathy” flowers. Getting them from Sierra was perfect and it was a nice surprise. I really do have awesome kids and I will always be grateful for that.

I had a nice dinner with my family. I thought Denise and I had an understanding about putting candles on the cake and singing. I failed to request that she not have the musical act and the ENTIRE restaurant sing to me. Lol. Someday revenge will be mine!

Today I saw an online ad for a new kind of wine stopper. I immediately thought of Patrick. I may just need to order some as surprise gifts for people. They would think of Patrick immediately. Did I mention that they were called the “Happy Man” wine stoppers? 😂😂😂 He definitely would have ordered them to go with the “special” lighters. As Patrick’s wife, I am responsible for keeping the memory of his crazy sense of humor alive. Consider yourself warned. 😜😜😜

Posted on

Shaw Avenue 11/16/16

This was originally published on my Tumblr blog, which I’ve been slowly moving over. The picture was taken on 4/23/16 during a family walk to get us out of the house. My siblings and I are standing with our childhood home in the background. Denny, Dawan, Me, & Denise

The holidays are quickly approaching and I want to run in the other direction. Back to April. Back to last November. I am just so unprepared for holidays without him. At the same time I am really looking forward to January because that will mean the holidays are over.

I really don’t spend my days crying. I promise. And most of the time I am okay but it really doesn’t take much for the thoughts and pictures to start scrolling through my mind. If I go anywhere during the day I inevitably end up driving or crossing Shaw. I can’t really avoid it.

It’s crazy how much of our life is tied to Shaw. We both worked on Shaw. One of my elementary schools is on Shaw. We met a few blocks from Shaw. We opened our first checking account on Shaw. Fresno State is on Shaw. I spent four years of my childhood in the big house on the corner of Shaw and DeWolf. And he died on Shaw, a half mile away from that house. I have now driven down that section of Shaw 3 or 4 times. I only go there when I really need to let it all out and I don’t have to do that very often.

Ironically some of my best and a few of my worst childhood memories are from that house on Shaw. We moved from a tiny 3 bedroom house to that house and I think we all thought we were rich! A lot of the time we had our own bedrooms and somehow the 6 of us survived with 1 bathroom. I don’t even know how that was possible! We had all kinds of animals including a horse, a steer, goats, rabbits, ducks, geese, dogs, cats and pigs. There was always something to do. One time the pig had 13 piglets. They were cute when they were little. I remember one day I sat in the pasture and played with them. Later that day I was on the porch when they decided to go for a walk. Across Shaw. As I watched a car sped through their pack. All you could hear were squeals of pain. I ran in the house screaming. I was so upset I couldn’t really articulate what had happened and my parents thought one of the other kids had been hit. Miraculously only a few died. One had a broken leg but my mom had a splint put on it and it recovered just fine. We laugh at that story.

Another time I was getting home from school on the bus after track practice. There was an almond orchard surrounding two sides of our property. I saw Denise and Denny jogging along the orchard and, a little further, I saw that someone had left a few piles of clothes in the orchard. The bus stopped across the street from my house and the bus driver got out and let me cross the street. Suddenly, I saw a strange man with my brother and sister. He looked kind of crazy and seemed to have his arms on Denny. He asked me to get my parents and told me he had hit two men. We later found out that the tragedy began when a girl was driving by our house, pulling a horse trailer, and hit our Saint Bernard, Morley. Since she had the horse trailer she didn’t want to stop so she went home and told her dad and uncle. They lived less than a quarter mile away, on the opposite side of Shaw. Her dad and uncle drove over to tell us. For some reason they decided to park across Shaw instead of pulling into our driveway. I think the sun was low in the sky as they crossed. The driver never saw them. They were thrown into the orchard and killed instantly. I didn’t realize that I had seen them. Our dog was injured and my parents had him put down. What an awful day! This was forty years ago and I still remember almost everything about it.

How ironic that Patrick would ride past that house and a little way down the road his life would also end tragically. I didn’t really think about the fact that people lived near the accident site and would now be forever tied to this tragedy like I am to the one forty years earlier.

Today Camille went to Subs and Grubs for lunch. She used her phone to call in the order for herself and 3 others. As they went up to pay, the owner asked which one was Camille. She told her she recognized the name from caller ID. She pulled her aside and told her she lived out on Shaw and had been praying for my family. She didn’t charge Camille for her lunch. Such a small, crazy world! What a nice and unexpected gesture! I continue to feel the love that surrounds us, some of it from people we don’t even know. This is such a horrific experience but we are very blessed that so many people care about us and continue to do anything they can think of to help us. I know that I will survive the holidays. I will be surrounded by family and we will keep moving forward. There’s really no other way to go.

Posted on

Better with time? – Originally posted 11/14/16

Patrick used to go away once or twice a year for a weekend of camping, fishing, relaxing and drinking beer. He often went with his only friend Joe 😉or his brother Matt. I’m not going to lie, I think it was good to have a break. The girls and I would usually go and buy sugary cereal (he did not buy that for them) and whatever other special treats they wanted. I would sleep really well since there was no snoring. After a day or two, I would really start to miss him and it was always nice when he got home. Tonight I saw a picture of him and I was reminded that I really miss him. I don’t need any more breaks, I just want him home.

At a wedding this weekend I was talking to relatives that I hadn’t seen since the funeral. My cousin Steve commented that he knew it hadn’t hit me at that point and he asked how long it was before it really hit me. I told him that it was probably a couple of months.

The initial shock is a blessing and a curse. I’m not sure if I could have functioned at all without it. On the other hand, I had no clue how much harder it would be later. I had this false sense that I was going to get through this easily. What an optimist!

I know he’s not coming back. But I still catch myself thinking “what if”? Tonight I had this crazy thought that maybe if I had just gone out to look for him again I would have found him alive. I’ve mentioned before that the brain can play cruel tricks on you. For a split second, I actually thought that maybe I did it wrong. Maybe I just didn’t find him?! Why would I even think that???

I do know that this is real but I often wonder if I am “doing this wrong”. I’m becoming more and more aware of my tendency to just stuff all the feelings inside me. This has been a good strategy to make it so far but I probably need to start letting it out a little more.

Okay, enough sadness! Yesterday Matt was going through beer stuff since there were lots of ingredients in the beer fridge and I don’t make or drink beer. I have decided that Patrick would want me to make sure there is always beer in his fridge. Denny and Matt have decided to keep beer on tap here and I think that’s kind of cool. Patrick would be really happy that people were still coming by for a glass of beer! While he was here, Matt figured out that the keg in the fridge still had a bit of Patrick’s second to last batch of beer in it. He decided to give it a try and pronounced it “Really, really, really good!” We laughed about it because there is no way Patrick would ever let beer age for 7 months! And it turns out that it does get better over time! I knew that we would probably keep finding surprises and I hope there are more left to discover!