Since Patrick died I have frequently been told how strong I am. I was always puzzled by this because I’ve never felt particularly strong. Recently I’ve been looking at it from a different angle and I think that I haven’t been completely honest.
I have always had a need for people around me to be happy and free from conflicts. Family tensions upset me so I’ve always been the peacemaker when needed. Grief is uncomfortable and awkward. I don’t like making people uncomfortable or sad. So I’ve probably suppressed some of my feelings. I’m not saying that I have all these feelings stuck inside, I do allow them to come out occasionally. But it is on my terms and usually when I’m alone.
I don’t know if the way I handle grief is good, bad, or normal. It’s just what I do and what has worked for me. Lately I’ve been trying to figure out why it works because there seem to be a lot of people who haven’t found a good way of dealing with their grief. I’m not saying that is bad. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I just don’t like people to be sad and I always want to cheer them up.
This is particularly noticeable in a Facebook group I belong to. People are at all different stages of grief and sometimes they are very fragile. I kind of tend to visit the group, not so much for comfort, but to provide hope that it does get a little easier. There are other people who play this role too. We try to get people to focus on the little things that make them happy and encourage them to look for joy.
If you want to sit home and cry I can’t stop you and I won’t judge you. I’ve been there. If you feel grief or sadness begin to consume you, do something about it. Do something you enjoy. Go for a walk. Read a book. Call a friend. Do something for someone else. You are always going to miss your loved one. I like to think that they don’t want our lives to end with theirs. Try to find joy and happiness. If you always try, eventually it will just find you.
