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Impatience

Dating sucks! It sucks because I can’t write about it! It sucks because I feel like I don’t know how to do it! But mainly it sucks because I shouldn’t have any reason to be dating! I did the dating thing. I chose well. I shouldn’t be alone.

I guess I’m having a pity party. And honestly I don’t really even have a reason to. I didn’t really have a bad experience or anything. I just feel like a teenager and it seems like this should be easier at age 50. I hate it so much that maybe I should just be single.

My word of 2017 is patience and I’m beginning to think I’m going to have to carry it in to 2018. Is that allowed? I wanted to find Mr. Right without having to play the ridiculous dating games. I don’t want to kiss a lot of frogs! I’m impatient!

At work we had to create a development plan every year. I never liked spending a lot of time on it because after a while my true goal was to have a dream job fall into my lap or to become independently wealthy and never have to work again. Who cares about developing at a job that you don’t want to be at anymore? So a lot of times I would carry goals forward. I always put time management on there because no matter who you are, there are always better ways to manage your time. So maybe I will have to carry patience into 2018 because I definitely haven’t learned it.

People who are dating at my age have more than likely spent some time being single. They may not want to be alone but a lot of them seem pretty set in their routine. And more than once i have wondered why some of them are even dating when they have difficulty finding time to actually spend with you. Maybe they are out dating other people?

When Patrick and I were dating we were always trying to find ways to spend time together. Most of the time we were in different cities. There were no cell phones, no email. It was snail mail or long distance phone calls. We did both. Maybe it is actually SO easy to stay in touch now that we take it for granted. And not just in dating. I know there are people I should reach out to more often. But reaching out takes no effort at all and I always plan to “do it tomorrow”. And then tomorrow I plan to do it the next day… Sometimes I send a text when I know a call would mean more. My point is that it is so easy to just assume someone will be there whenever you decide to contact them.

I don’t plan to be single forever. And I hate writing that because I truly am not advertising for a date! But I have to let some of my frustration out and this is how I do it. I guess I just thought the whole process would be easier.

I think I am just going stir crazy since I have somewhat limited mobility and I can’t drive. The good news is that I am getting out of the house for a few days and going to the happiest place on earth, where I will ride an electric scooter around, enjoy time with my daughter and friends and forget about the dating games! I will try to learn some patience but I hear the scooter will let me cut to the front of at least some of the rides, so yeah, instant gratification.

Ok, this pity party is over. Disneyland, here we come!

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Patience – 1/21/17

This was originally published on 1/21/17. I still have a lot of blogs to transfer over from Tumblr but I needed this as I am going to reference it in another entry I am writing today!

“I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.”

Margaret Thatcher

The leader of my widow support group challenged us to pick one word for 2017. The instructions involved putting a little thought into it and I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it. With school work and all I didn’t really want another assignment. I thought it might take too long to figure it out, but then it came to me, “PATIENCE.”

This might seem like an odd choice for me. In some ways I am a very patient person. I also sometimes have a need for instant gratification. This is the reason I liked gambling so much, in fact, too much! Last year the girls and I spoiled ourselves a little so I had a lot of instant gratification (not gambling though). But we can’t live like that forever.

Patrick has been gone nine months today. Most of the time I wish I could travel back in time to spend more time with him or relive happy memories. I know that is not my reality so the rest of the time I wish I could fast forward to a time when the grief is not so bad. I know it will never go away but I have heard it does get somewhat easier and that’s where I want to be. The thing is, I have also heard that you can’t hold it in, you have to work through it. So that’s where patience comes in.

“No, no! The adventures first, explanations take such a dreadful time.”

Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

I need to accept that everything takes time. I can’t blink my eyes and be laughing and smiling all the time, I need to be patient. I want to be in better shape and lose weight. That won’t happen overnight and if I want to develop good habits, really lifestyle changes, I need to be patient.

I’ve talked about all of the different things I want to do to get organized and I know I can’t do them all at once. I have already been exercising some patience by just accepting that I will get things done as I get them done, it’s not going to happen overnight.

Patrick was much more patient than I am. I’m pretty sure that I probably tried to convince him that we should get married sooner but he stuck to the plan. Maybe the long (to me) wait for the proposal was a little lesson for me, be patient, good things are to come.

I think we could all use a little more patience in life. One thing I like about my new workouts is that we don’t spend too much time on any one exercise. So even if it is something I hate, or I am really tired, I know I just have to hang in there for a bit longer and then we will move on to something else. Patience is knowing that if you keep walking through the darkness, eventually there will be light again.

As hard as losing Patrick has been, I know I will experience joy, happiness and love again and again in my life. It’s not going to happen overnight, so I just have to be patient.

“Patience is power.
Patience is not an absence of action;
rather it is “timing”
it waits on the right time to act,
for the right principles
and in the right way.“

Fulton J. Sheen