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The day I married Batman

Do you like the title? Bruce is probably tired of all of the Batman references but we definitely had fun with them! The last 4 months have flown by and I haven’t felt like I had enough time to really write about this. Today I thought it might be a good distraction.

The wedding turned out exactly as planned, well except for the one special request I had… but I will get to that later! I think I spent close to two years planning my first wedding and we pulled this one off in a few months! We picked Thanksgiving weekend so, of course, it was a busy time. It was also the first big holiday since we moved into our house so we decided to do Thanksgiving dinner at our house.

Bruce’s mom, Carrol, and his stepdad, Joe, arrived on Thanksgiving morning. This was the first time the girls and I met them so it was nice to have a few days to get acquainted. I also wanted them to meet some of my family so they weren’t overwhelmed on the day of the wedding. We had a great visit!

The night before the wedding Bruce stayed in a hotel. I was a bundle of nerves and I had planned to pack for our Minnie-moon and I probably would have found other ways to stress myself out! I sat up talking with Carrol and Joe instead and by the time I went to bed I was completely relaxed.

The next day flew by as I had my hair done by Gaby and Mia Castillo and Sierra did my makeup. Finally Cathy and I headed to the venue. Bruce picked up the girls after we left and they arrived a little later. Here are a few “before” pics.

Sierra, Bethany, & Camille
Cathy and I

Denise, Dawan, and I

When it was time to start, Matt escorted my mother-in-law Barbara in, my Dad escorted my step-mom Kandra in, Bruce escorted his Mom and Denny escorted my Mom. Then we had Sierra, Bethany and Camille walk in together, followed by best man and matron of honor Gavin and Cathy. I wanted the wedding to be a little unique so I entered with the opening to Prince’s “Let’s Go Crazy” and walked down the aisle to “Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles. And I was very happy to be walked down the aisle by my Pop, Andre teNyenhuis. Pop made it clear that he was “presenting me”, not giving me away!

Pop walking me down the aisle
Bruce watching me walk in 💕💕💕

My dad officiated and made sure it was memorable by reading an entire paragraph for the ring exchange and then asking Bruce to repeat it! Bruce and I wrote our own vows. His vows included the promise to provide me with really good health insurance and I promised to never quiz him on my family’s names.

Somehow this is the only picture I got with my brother Denny!
Mr. & Mrs. Bruce Wayne Black!

At the reception we were toasted by Gavin, Cathy, Denny, & Sierra. Denny managed to include the Batman theme and a lot of crowd participation. We had a great time at the reception and then it all ended too quickly. I’m going to let the pictures tell the rest of the story but before I forget, the one thing that went wrong…. I thought I was doing a good thing hiring a charity bartender but I was disappointed with their service. I requested two special drinks, in advance, and they did not bring them! Anyone who knows me well can probably guess that one was Diet Pepsi. The other was Diet Mountain Dew for Bruce. So yeah, all in all it was a perfect day! ❤️❤️❤️

The Smith family
Our parents! ❤️❤️❤️ Dad & Kandra, Carrol & Joe, my Momma, Mom & Pop
The wedding party!
Our cake
#TOTHEMOONANDBLACK
Entering the reception
The happy couple
First dance
First day of our Minnie Moon and also my birthday!
#HAPPILYMARRIED
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Countdown

The big day is six days away! Needless to say I’m laying here awake with my thoughts racing through whatever might be left to do. Thank god I invested in a wedding planner as she has taken a lot of the stress off! Last week I felt like I might be getting sick so I took it easy and got some extra sleep. I can’t afford to be sick!

Something had to give though and I put less focus on studying for the National Clinical Mental Health Counseling Exam (NCMHCE). I took it two weeks ago and I was not surprised when I didn’t pass. The test is divided into two parts and I did well on one part but you need to pass both. Honestly I’m just relieved that I can take a break from studying.

The licensing process is a little confusing since I attend an out of state, online school. Once I graduate in April I can register as an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC). Then I need to have 3,000 hours of supervised experience before I apply for my license. After I registered for the NCMHCE, I found out that California doesn’t allow applicants to take the exam until they have finished their supervised hours. So I actually took it over two years too early! I’m confident I will pass when I take it again.

My schedule is packed this week and if everyone shows up it will be the most clients I have seen in one week, even though I will only be there two days! I wish things were a little slower the week of my wedding but it will probably make time fly by!

I think I am mostly ready. I worry that I’m going to miss something. On Friday we had a final meeting at the venue. The wedding planner asked how we would like to be introduced and I said, ” Mr. & Mrs. Bruce Smith”. In case you didn’t know, that is NOT Bruce’s last name! And I have no idea where that came from! I will never live it down!

So that pretty much sums up my life right now, happy chaos!

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Unexpected Love Story – Part 2 – Meet the Family

I am the first to admit that dating me is a lot! Bruce is an only child and only grandchild so it was somewhat of a culture shock when he met my family. He actually met the teNyenhuis side first! I tried to introduce him to small groups at a time but that is a challenge when we spend so much time together. After a month of dating he met all of my siblings and helped us move into the beach house. I introduced him and he was immediately put to work carrying furniture up stairs and putting things together. We still had things to buy so I left him with the guys while Dawan and I went shopping for a few hours. He likes to say I left him for 10 hours but don’t believe him!

Everyone seemed to like him and that made me very happy! But I knew things were going well when I overheard Tom talking to my Dad the next morning. The conversation was something like this, “We we’re trying to do … then Bruce said… we did this… Bruce thought we could… Bruce suggested…”. You get the picture, he fit so seamlessly into the family!

Then he met more family. Then I took him to the Boyles family reunion, then Ravioli Day. He was proud when he could remember a few names and then I would introduce him to more. We spent Christmas Eve and morning with my family and then I took him to Prandini Christmas. After each big event I gave hm space to decompress. And then he was always ready to meet more people!

Boyles Family Reunion!

In September I had a small flood at my house and it was in a state of disrepair for months. I couldn’t decide what to do. Should I have it repaired? Should I have additional work done? I thought about doing a kitchen remodel and Bruce suggested I get ideas from model homes. He told me he enjoyed visiting the models and there were a few he really liked. We had a blast looking at the models and I found myself imagining what the future might hold. Then he asked if I might like to buy a house together. I’m sure I had a big grin on my face when I told him that I would love that! Then he added that of course he would want to marry me! My grin got even bigger!

We started looking at more houses and I decided not to remodel my kitchen. Instead I started getting it ready to sell.

Even before the conversation at the model home we had talked hypothetically about moving in together. Bruce’s house was nice but it had limited parking and that would not work for family get-togethers! My house made more sense but I worried that it would be hard for Bruce to feel like it was his home. We decided it would be better to move to a house that was ours together.

Next step, find our new home. I’ll tell you all about it in my next post!

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Time helps

I finished a class today so I decided to take a look at my blog. I still have a lot of posts to move over from Tumblr. In the first year, I wrote often. I was constantly bombarded with emotions and writing things down seemed to help more than anything.

Lately I seem to have less time. School requires more focus, and I spend most of my free time with Bruce 😊. This doesn’t mean that I never think about Patrick or that I am “over” my grief. But time does help.

I stopped moving Tumblr posts over when I got to holiday posts and it was summer time. Now that it is December I’m going to try and catch up. Maybe I will even move them all!

As I look back on the words I wrote in 2016, I remember the fresh pain and the feeling that it would never be okay again. But I took baby steps and got through it one day at a time. And I’m happy to say that strategy has helped. Friends and family have helped. But mainly the passage of time has helped.

This past weekend I celebrated my 51st birthday at Disneyland. Bruce and I were there for three days and Sierra joined us at the park on Saturday. We had a wonderful time! I’m embarrassed to say that I did end up in a wheelchair for half of my birthday. Friday Bruce and I had over 20,000 steps and I was exhausted! On the way to the hotel we stopped at a mini mart for a Diet Pepsi and then I promptly missed a curb and landed mainly on my knee. My soda did not survive. 😂

Bruce took great care of me! I iced and took ibuprofen and felt pretty good Saturday until midday. Then I tried to rent a scooter and they were out so Sierra and Bruce agreed to push me around in a wheelchair. They were troopers but there are some serious hills in Frontierland and I am not a small woman. 🥴 They survived and I was able to walk again on Sunday. The good news is that Bruce didn’t run for the hills! He’s still putting up with me but he’s developed this habit of shouting CURB whenever we are anywhere near one. I guess I deserve that. 😂😂😂 He’s also wondering why I am gravity challenged around my birthday. Lol

I’ve been to Disneyland five times since Patrick died. I love Disneyland but it’s always bittersweet because of the memories I have there. And everywhere I turned I saw young lovers who reminded me of times Patrick and I went before the girls were born. Or I would see a father lifting a small daughter onto a ride and remember Patrick loving the joy on his daughter’s faces when we went. Bruce has his own bittersweet memories. Although we’ve had different journeys, we both ended up without our spouses. Being there with him made this visit different. The memories were still there, but they were softened by the knowledge that I am making new memories with someone I love, who also loves me. ❤️❤️❤️

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I Choose Happy!❤️❤️❤️

I’m in my last week of a class called “Spousal & Child Abuse, Crisis and Trauma Counseling”. I was a little surprised that we weren’t even studying the chapter on bereavement. I think there is a certain expectation that everyone just knows how to handle grief. I’ve learned that is not the case. People have a wide range of reactions to death and no one can really prepare you for it. When you are dealing with it, no one can really tell you how to do it either. For the most part, you find your own way, hopefully with the help of friends and family.

I chose to read the chapter on bereavement. I’m interested because it’s what I’ve been dealing with but also because I would like to be a crisis and trauma counselor and bereavement will be a part of that. Most of you are probably familiar with the “Stages of Death and Dying”. I really think those stages apply to people facing a terminal diagnosis. They can be applied to bereavement also but some of them don’t seem to fit very well. In my textbook I found a newer 4 stage guideline by J. William Worden:

    Accept the loss – At first, this seemed almost offensive to me. But it doesn’t mean you agree with it, just that it happened. This also means that it’s not necessarily healthy to pretend nothing happened. Removing or avoiding reminders does not make it go away. I learned to make small changes that acknowledged the loss without being startling.
    Experience the pain – Grief can be overwhelming! I know that I tried to avoid the pain a lot but it would always hit me when I least expected it. I finally learned to allow myself time to feel it and just let out the emotions. I haven’t needed a good cry in a long time but it certainly helped when I needed it! I found that it helped to know things that would trigger a good cry, and to give myself permission to let it all out.
    Adjust to an environment without the person – grieving families will sometimes try to leave things “as is” in an attempt to honor the deceased. For me, it helped to make minor changes, a little at a time. My mind needed that to remind me that he was gone but I was still there. And I was okay. I didn’t want to be stuck in one place, it would have been dreary to never move forward. I’m not saying that’s how everyone should do it, but it worked for me. Two plus years out I am ready to make larger changes. I’m planning some remodeling but I won’t change everything at once. Baby steps.
    Reinvest emotional energy in other relationships – This one is really important. At first it meant strengthening my connection with all of my family and close friends. Then it expanded to new friends, especially my fellow widows. Now it has progressed to a new relationship. I have a lot of love to give. And I know that Patrick would want me to be happy. I haven’t moved on, I have moved forward.

I could spend my days wrapped up in memories of the years I had with Patrick. This wouldn’t be a horrible thing to do. I have a lot of great memories! But if that is all I did, I would spend a lot of time being sad and missing him. I don’t want to be sad all the time. I choose happy! And I think he would approve!