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Time is flying by

I was pulling out of a parking lot this evening and noticed that there is already a firework stand up. Really??? They can’t even sell them for over two more weeks. I am very familiar with the date they go on sale. One week before the 4th of July, June 27th, my 25th wedding anniversary. How can it be so close?

Of course I knew it was coming. I’ve already scheduled a massage for that day and I plan to find something fun to do. I was really looking forward to this milestone and then I didn’t even get to celebrate the 24th anniversary. 

It’s also Father’s Day and frankly I would just like to fast forward through the next few weeks. We talked about going somewhere fun and we still might but we’ve kind of been on the go a lot. We spent last weekend in San Francisco and saw the musical, Hamilton. The girls have listened to the soundtrack so many times that they almost know it by heart. The play was really good! It’s not 100% historically accurate but I haven’t ever seen kids get this interested in history! During intermission I enjoyed listening to a tween girl and her younger brother discuss their favorite parts with their Dad. They had clearly seen more than one show because they were even comparing actors! Do you know who would have been really interested in the play? Patrick!

In case you didn’t know, Patrick had read biographies on almost every president plus many of the founding fathers, including Alexander Hamilton. I think I remember him talking about how smart Hamilton was. He would have picked apart the historical inaccuracies, made fun of the rapping and then secretly enjoyed the show. I can just hear him creating his own lyrics to show what really happened. He would have driven the girls crazy but they would have loved it! It’s not hard to imagine his crazy reactions because it was daily life with Patrick!

The girls and I enjoy playing the “What would Dad say?” game. Most of the time they are better at it than I am. We always laugh and it makes us feel like a part of him is still with us, which I know is true. 

We will always keep parts of him with us. Sometimes this will be a questionable choice, lol. Today I talked to the smog repair shop. I probably should have just donated the car to a school. Or I could have paid to get it repaired to pass smog, which happens to be an amount roughly equal to the Kelly Blue Book value. Instead I am spending twice what it is worth to also fix the oil leak and the coolant system. Maybe we can still get a trip or two to the beach in? I’m just not ready to say goodbye to it so I’m not going to! By the way, here is the picture that started it all! The day he fell in love! 

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It’s not as hard, but it isn’t any easier

May was a crazy, busy month! Awards, graduations, moving Sierra, multiple parties… I’m enjoying the fact that things are a bit slower this week. I was worried that it would be a big let-down but we do have a lot planned for the summer so I have things I am looking forward to.

I have to say that 13 1/2 months later it still doesn’t seem real. Time has definitely passed and there have been a lot of changes but it also seems like I saw him just yesterday. 

Setting goals and making plans seems to help me a lot. I added the girls to my gym membership (Urban Block Fitness) and tomorrow will be day four for them. Camille is probably in the best shape overall so we are kind of getting a kick out of the fact that she is feeling the pain! Like me, she is not used to the type of arm workouts that we do at the gym. She is looking forward to having arm strength! Sierra went with me over spring break and incorporated some of what we did into her workouts so she is not as sore but we are ALL feeling it this week. I missed a lot of workout days in May so I’m making up for lost time!

Tomorrow I also start a new class and for three weeks I’m going to be enrolled in two classes. I’m overlapping the classes so I can take a break for vacation in August. I hope it’s not too much. I guess I still worry that if I put too much on my plate I might fall apart. I don’t think that’s going to happen but I still try to make sure it doesn’t. 

My days are mostly good now unless I think about it too much. There is always going to be this ache deep inside of me. Right now I just can’t allow myself to visit that place very often. I don’t think I’m in denial, more like self-protective mode. The best way to describe where I am now is this, it’s not as hard but it isn’t any easier. I know that’s a contradiction but it just seems to fit the way I feel. 

I put my wedding ring back on for Sierra’s graduation and I can’t get it off now. So I guess I needed to have it on a little bit longer. I imagine Patrick chuckling about that. 

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Saying goodbye

I had almost forgotten that there was another significant date last year. The day we said goodbye. The funeral.

I’m a night owl and although I should be asleep I checked the Facebook “On This Day” feed right after midnight. I’m sharing the posts with you as another example of the love that surrounded us and held us up when it was time to say goodbye. 






The picture is from our honeymoon cruise.



The band logo, designed by Patrick (and most of it hand drawn).











Ruth is a former co-worker who lost her daughter in a car crash earlier in the year.


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One year later

Patrick has been gone for 365 days. I’ve only seen him in videos and pictures. Some days it seems like just yesterday and on others it feels like an eternity. I’ve tried to share my journey with others. This is mainly for selfish reasons as I seem to feel much better when I write everything out. But I have also heard that others have found this helpful and that makes me happy.

Imagine that you are taking a walk. The weather is mostly perfect and the scenery is beautiful. As you walk you are holding the hand of the person you most want to walk this path with. Occasionally there is a hill and sometimes you stumble but your partner is always right there to help you.  You carry many memories with you and in the distance you can see many places that you want to go and you anticipate these experiences with excitement. You have the path memorized and you know exactly how to get where you want to go.

Suddenly there is an earthquake, worse than you ever imagined. A huge chasm opens up in the path in front of you.  You feel your partner slipping and suddenly they have disappeared. The destruction is so great that you can’t even see the places you had planned to go. The experiences you had dreamed of are no longer possible.

At first you feel like jumping into the chasm and looking for your lost dreams. You don’t really see any other option. Suddenly you see that there is another path leading away from the chasm. This path has not been used as often and it is not as easy to navigate. Sometimes you need help clearing the way. Parts of the path seem dangerous and frightening and the chasm always seems to be nearby. But you start to notice that there are some interesting things ahead. There are other people traveling the path and you begin to enjoy their company. They help to clear the path and point out destinations that you didn’t realize were there. This is a much different path than you had planned. You haven’t forgotten about your missing partner or the plans you had with them but you realize that they would be happy that you found this new path and would want you to continue on.

That may be a little corny but that is how my life is. I am now on a completely different path that I did not choose but it is not as awful and scary as I thought it would be. There are new dreams and hopes for the future. I feel that Patrick walks this path with me and helps steer me in the right direction. He can no longer hold my hand but he still keeps me from falling.

Over the last year I have met so many wonderful people and became re-acquainted with some old friends. I was able to leave a job that I was burnt out on and embark on a journey toward a new career. The girls and I have spoiled ourselves a bit and had some great adventures with more planned. None of us will have a future exactly like we planned but we will have a future and good things will happen. We will face adversity but we will always remember that we survived the worst thing imaginable and we can probably survive just about anything.

I will always miss my husband but I know that my story has not ended. He has provided for my future and I am able to focus on doing positive things and pursue a career where I hope to make a difference in people’s lives.

The girls are doing better than I could have ever imagined. They also miss their Dad but they are choosing to live the kind of lives he would want them to. We have pulled each other through this.

I have heard many different things about observing or not observing the anniversary of death. I can’t imagine how you would ever ignore it so we are choosing to be together, with other loved ones. We will spend the day at Shaver since he loved to be there. We may paddle the canoe around the lake or take a hike. He will be right there with us.

Thank you for all of the love and support in the last year! Keep it coming because this grief journey is not over! We love you all!