Tag: mylifeafterpatrick

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Growth rings – 12/9/16

Originally posted on 12/9/16:

Yesterday I started working on my afghan for the first time since Patrick died. I am using an infinity loom and technically it is knitting, which I don’t know how to do without the loom. I bought the loom when I was recuperating from surgery in early 2015. It took me the rest of that year to finish. I decided midway through that it was for Cathy. She is always cold and the color I had chosen was one of her favorites. I finished her afghan on January 1st of this year according to the date stamp of the picture I took of it. I started my afghan right after that and so far I’ve done about 4 inches so I have a long way to go.

I chose really soft yarn that is multi-colored with deep pinks and purples. I like the loom because you don’t need to count each stitch. On Cathy’s afghan, I alternated stitches and did an entire row at a time. For mine, I chose a basket weave pattern and it’s kind of a pain! Four knit stitches and then 4 purl stitches repeated throughout the row. You do three more rows exactly like that and then you switch the order. You end up with little four by four squares of the alternating stitches and it is pretty but it takes focus and I haven’t had much of that.

 

Eight months later and I have no idea what row or stitch I was on. I remembered that I made notes so I was able to figure out which stitch sequence I was on but I had no idea which row and that’s a problem with this pattern. After agonizing over it I decided I was just going to pick where I thought I was and if it resulted in imperfection, so be it.

Maybe my afghan will be like the growth rings on a tree. Nice and orderly and then a shock to the system. For trees, this could be a fire or drought. For me, it is the upheaval of my life when Patrick died. I decided that even if it was imperfect I would eventually get back to a set pattern and the afghan would be a reminder that I kept moving forward despite the shock to my system.

 

Everyone always tells me how strong I am so I must be missing my calling. Clearly, I am a good actress! The girls both got back to their old routines relatively quickly and I am still not working. Younger people are pretty resilient but I am still proud of how well they have done! I try to be careful about what I post about them, especially in my blog, but I am going to make an exception and be a proud Mama for a bit!

 

Both of my girls received communication from teachers this week that spoke to their ability to weather this tragedy and not only function but excel in their schoolwork. Sierra’s occurred when she turned in a final assignment. Camille’s was via comments on letters of recommendation she received from several teachers. I also had a chance to read several essays Camille wrote for scholarship applications. Out of respect for their privacy, I will not post the specific essays/letters or comments but I am really proud of both of them!

 

Today I am 49 years and 8 days old. This is significant because Patrick was 49 years and 7 days old on the day he died. All of those years that I joked that he would always be older and now I have passed him up. It’s a strange feeling that I will continue aging and he won’t. I’ve said from the beginning that Patrick hated the thought of getting old. I imagine that he is laughing a little at the thought of me passing him up and if there’s any solace it’s the fact that he does not have to experience old age or any of the physical problems that come with it. I, on the other hand, will continue making growth rings. I hope that each year I cover up more of the scars from 2016. They’ll never be completely gone but time will lessen their impact.

 

As I got ready to put away my afghan for the night I remembered that I DID actually have a way to track the rows. I had been using a row counter and when I searched through my bag, there it was! I was working on row 32 prior to April 20th. This conflicted with what I had determined and I should have changed my pattern at the end of that row. Instead, I continued for two more rows so now I will have 4 by 6 boxes instead of 4 by 4. I’m sure I could pull out the two rows and fix them but I think I will leave it the way it is. The imperfection will serve as a reminder that this was a bad year but there will be other years.

I will grow stronger, never the same, but on the path to all of the blessings I know I will experience in future years. Just like a fire can devastate a forest, 2016 has devastated me. This devastation will always be a part of my history but I have the opportunity to make new, healthy, growth rings and that’s what I choose to do.

Update 8/16/20 – The funny thing about this post is I still haven’t finished the afghan! When I finally DO finish it there will be all kinds of growth rings!

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Kind of lonely – 12/4/16

8/16/20 – I have never finished moving my Tumblr posts to this blog. Bear with me while I catch up!

One of the hardest things to deal with these days is loneliness. Not the “I’m alone and have no one to hang out with” kind. I miss having someone who loves me. Someone who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. I miss having someone who will hold me if I need to cry. I miss having a husband. I miss MY husband. Unfortunately, this is the kind of lonely that can’t be filled right now.

I am not interested in meeting someone new at this point so let’s not even start those discussions. I do have the capacity to love again but I think I would be very, very picky. I was always grateful that I didn’t have to experience much of the “dating” scene and I still don’t have any desire to do that. I’m thankful that I have connected with a lot of fellow widows. Some are friends who lost their husband before I did. Some are new friends and some of those I have never even met in person. They “get” it.

The nice thing about knowing so many is that they are all at different points. Some are even remarried. I feel hopeful when I see that they have moved forward and are able to function. That is comforting. Some days I wonder how I am even able to go on without him. Seeing others who are moving forward gives me hope.

Every day I am surprised that I still have such raw feelings. I can go for longer periods feeling relatively okay and there are a lot of times I even feel happy. Still,  I am randomly assaulted with vivid memories. They don’t have to be anything major. Today Matt taught me how to massage some of the swelling out of Camille’s ankle. As I was doing it she casually mentioned times that Patrick had also done this. In a way it made me feel close to him but I was also incredibly sad that he was not here to do it.

My birthday ended up being mostly okay. I was really sad early in the day and I decided that I would give myself permission to mourn. Not that I haven’t been mourning but I try not to do too much at once. I allowed myself to cry a little and that was good since it tends to build up. Later in the day, I got flowers from Sierra! I had worried that at some point someone would send my flowers at a time when he might have. And I really didn’t like the idea of “sympathy” flowers. Getting them from Sierra was perfect and it was a nice surprise. I really do have awesome kids and I will always be grateful for that.

I had a nice dinner with my family. I thought Denise and I had an understanding about putting candles on the cake and singing. I failed to request that she not have the musical act and the ENTIRE restaurant sing to me. Lol. Someday revenge will be mine!

Today I saw an online ad for a new kind of wine stopper. I immediately thought of Patrick. I may just need to order some as surprise gifts for people. They would think of Patrick immediately. Did I mention that they were called the “Happy Man” wine stoppers? 😂😂😂 He definitely would have ordered them to go with the “special” lighters. As Patrick’s wife, I am responsible for keeping the memory of his crazy sense of humor alive. Consider yourself warned. 😜😜😜

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Another difficult day – 12/01/16

Originally posted on 12/01/16.

Today was a really hard day for me. We had our second court appearance. I’m not supposed to go into a lot of detail about the case. Although I wonder how much of a difference it would make since the potential sentence is already so small. Let me just say that the whole legal system is complex and sluggish. Nothing happens quickly and there are always surprises. Each step of the way something new comes up that affects the way I feel and right now I don’t even know how to feel about the whole thing. Since it is a misdemeanor case it is done in a busy courtroom with a lot of other issues going on at the same time. They usually do ours first, probably since we have so many spectators. A lot of the people sitting around us are there for their own cases and I’m sure they want to clear us out of there to make room, which is fine. While we were waiting I glanced to my left and a young lady gave me a warm smile and a nod. I later found out that she was part of the defendant’s family, maybe his wife. I’m not sure if she knew who I was but I kind of think she did. I choose to interpret the look as some sort of gesture of compassion. With that and other things that were being discussed I just felt that there was no point in being there. Nothing that is happening there will bring Patrick back and I really just wanted to be somewhere else.

The other hard part is that I’m not the only one hurting. I was trying to keep my tears inside but if I looked around I could see the pain in everyone else’s faces. I hurt for me. I hurt for Sierra and Camille. My heart breaks for Barbara, who is sitting next to me. And everyone else there. So much pain.

After the hearing the DA takes us into the cafeteria to answer questions and discuss the next hearing date. As different family members speak there are more tears. And suddenly I realize this is what has become of my marriage. For 24 years Patrick was the closest person to me. We shared everything that was happening in our lives. Decisions, plans, dreams… His life was mine. It’s really hard to put this into words but it suddenly felt like this tight little circle was broken. I don’t want this to sound like I don’t want others to care or that anyone is upsetting me but this whole situation kind of steals the intimacy of our relationship. I’m not even sure if that makes sense but it was just how I felt today. And I just didn’t want to be there anymore.

Later in the day I went to Camille’s first soccer game of the season. I’ve been anticipating this for months. Last season was really exciting and will always be a special memory for me. And the girls and their families have shown us so much love and support that I was really happy to be around them all again. But I also felt Patrick’s absence. I wanted to share the excitement with him and I kept imagining things he would say. And Camille is still having ankle issues. She was fine today but her ankle is constantly swollen. Zio Matt is now her physical therapist and he has been giving her instructions and even checked in with her last night. But when I saw how swollen it was I just really wanted her dad to be here and in charge of making it better. He took such good care of her and you just can’t duplicate that. She has coaches and trainers but it is just not right that her dad is not here. She was able to play the entire game and they won 4-0. Three goals were scored by two freshmen and one was an “own goal”, an error by the other team. So the outlook for the season is great!

I realize that it is now my birthday and you are probably feeling sorry for me that I am so sad on my birthday so let me tell you about my gift. I bought myself a 2016 Ford Edge!!! It is the nicest car I have ever owned and the first one I bought on my own! It is used which means I was able to get all the great features at a decent price! I bought it from my friend Craig Crews at Enterprise Car Sales and I highly recommend checking them out if you are looking for a car. I’m still learning how to use all the technology but after the cold at the soccer game, I really enjoyed the heated seats! This isn’t a car that we would have ever bought together because we usually just got the basics but I feel like he would approve in light of the circumstances.

I also got my Aetna-subsidized Apple Watch in the mail yesterday. I’m still learning how to use that as well. I figured out that you can actually answer the phone and talk to people with the watch! Patrick was fiercely anti-smartphone but he always said that he would get one when they made a watch phone. This wouldn’t completely qualify since you still need the phone with you but I think he would have been intrigued. And he would have mocked me endlessly! I’m going to sleep now and try to dream about all of the ridiculous things he would have said. I sure miss that crazy guy! 💗💔💗



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New holiday memories – 11/30/16

Originally posted on 11/30/16

Today I have the post-vacation blues. I have been looking forward to our Thanksgiving trip for months and it was everything I hoped for. We all had a great time and really enjoyed being together but I knew it would never be long enough. Ending vacation is sort of a lesser type of mourning. You make big plans, anticipate all of the fun things you are going to do and wish it could last forever. When it’s over you mourn but thankfully only for a short time.

My life with Patrick was the best vacation ever. We made lots of plans and anticipated how much fun we would have. Most of our plans worked out but we didn’t quite get to do everything we wanted. Sadly we can’t make plans to “go again”. There are no do-overs when someone dies. This is where I pause briefly and remind everyone to embrace life and live it to the fullest. Do the things on your bucket list. Life is much shorter than you think!

Like my trip to Santa Cruz, this trip brought back a lot of memories. Now that I think of it, that may be why I chose to hang out at the Inn for the most part. There are a lot of places that might have been painful to see. When we were driving in I was trying to remember my last trip there. We passed the Kon Tiki Inn and I remembered that we stayed there for our 23rd anniversary. We had a great time in spite of the fact that I came down with a sinus infection. We had planned to go back and take the girls. I had forgotten that there was one more trip. We were in Cayucos for Mom and Pop’s 50th anniversary. We drove over to go to the Great American Melodrama in Oceana. We highly recommend it if you have never been. Joe took Patrick there on one of their birthday camping trips. Patrick loved it and thought it would be fun for the whole family. On our way we stopped in Shell Beach and met Dad and Kandra for dinner. So many great memories of that trip too! I just tried not to get stuck in memories as we passed all of these places.

We might not be able to do another trip exactly like this due to the cost but I plan to investigate and see if there are other places with similar capacity. The trip was fun for everyone and an outside observer probably would not have been able to determine where the Boyles family ended and the teNyenhuis family began.

Today we celebrate my mom’s 75th birthday and a few days later Camille’s first soccer game of the year. In between is another trip to the courthouse for a preliminary hearing. I would really like to avoid that but of course, I will be there. Hopefully that chapter will be wrapped up soon.

I found out that I do have job protection and I have been approved for early retirement. This will be a great relief and I feel like once I am past that I can start making plans for the next few years. I probably won’t work while I am receiving severance but I’m thinking of doing some volunteering. I have always said I wanted to do volunteer work when I retired so I am going to sign up for a few things that will either bring me joy, be good experience for my career in counseling or both. I am also looking forward to being able to attend every single soccer game for Camille. They are returning as undefeated section champs and I can’t wait to see what they do! I will miss Patrick at the games (although maybe not his very loud criticisms of the refs). 😂 Last soccer season was a really exciting time and will always be a great memory for Camille, Sierra and I. This season will be bittersweet but I know Patrick will be there in spirit, I will think of him every time a parent gets a little too obnoxious and I will feel his pride each time Camille has a great play. I’m looking forward to some serious soccer fun! Go Timberwolves!

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Shaw Avenue 11/16/16

This was originally published on my Tumblr blog, which I’ve been slowly moving over. The picture was taken on 4/23/16 during a family walk to get us out of the house. My siblings and I are standing with our childhood home in the background. Denny, Dawan, Me, & Denise

The holidays are quickly approaching and I want to run in the other direction. Back to April. Back to last November. I am just so unprepared for holidays without him. At the same time I am really looking forward to January because that will mean the holidays are over.

I really don’t spend my days crying. I promise. And most of the time I am okay but it really doesn’t take much for the thoughts and pictures to start scrolling through my mind. If I go anywhere during the day I inevitably end up driving or crossing Shaw. I can’t really avoid it.

It’s crazy how much of our life is tied to Shaw. We both worked on Shaw. One of my elementary schools is on Shaw. We met a few blocks from Shaw. We opened our first checking account on Shaw. Fresno State is on Shaw. I spent four years of my childhood in the big house on the corner of Shaw and DeWolf. And he died on Shaw, a half mile away from that house. I have now driven down that section of Shaw 3 or 4 times. I only go there when I really need to let it all out and I don’t have to do that very often.

Ironically some of my best and a few of my worst childhood memories are from that house on Shaw. We moved from a tiny 3 bedroom house to that house and I think we all thought we were rich! A lot of the time we had our own bedrooms and somehow the 6 of us survived with 1 bathroom. I don’t even know how that was possible! We had all kinds of animals including a horse, a steer, goats, rabbits, ducks, geese, dogs, cats and pigs. There was always something to do. One time the pig had 13 piglets. They were cute when they were little. I remember one day I sat in the pasture and played with them. Later that day I was on the porch when they decided to go for a walk. Across Shaw. As I watched a car sped through their pack. All you could hear were squeals of pain. I ran in the house screaming. I was so upset I couldn’t really articulate what had happened and my parents thought one of the other kids had been hit. Miraculously only a few died. One had a broken leg but my mom had a splint put on it and it recovered just fine. We laugh at that story.

Another time I was getting home from school on the bus after track practice. There was an almond orchard surrounding two sides of our property. I saw Denise and Denny jogging along the orchard and, a little further, I saw that someone had left a few piles of clothes in the orchard. The bus stopped across the street from my house and the bus driver got out and let me cross the street. Suddenly, I saw a strange man with my brother and sister. He looked kind of crazy and seemed to have his arms on Denny. He asked me to get my parents and told me he had hit two men. We later found out that the tragedy began when a girl was driving by our house, pulling a horse trailer, and hit our Saint Bernard, Morley. Since she had the horse trailer she didn’t want to stop so she went home and told her dad and uncle. They lived less than a quarter mile away, on the opposite side of Shaw. Her dad and uncle drove over to tell us. For some reason they decided to park across Shaw instead of pulling into our driveway. I think the sun was low in the sky as they crossed. The driver never saw them. They were thrown into the orchard and killed instantly. I didn’t realize that I had seen them. Our dog was injured and my parents had him put down. What an awful day! This was forty years ago and I still remember almost everything about it.

How ironic that Patrick would ride past that house and a little way down the road his life would also end tragically. I didn’t really think about the fact that people lived near the accident site and would now be forever tied to this tragedy like I am to the one forty years earlier.

Today Camille went to Subs and Grubs for lunch. She used her phone to call in the order for herself and 3 others. As they went up to pay, the owner asked which one was Camille. She told her she recognized the name from caller ID. She pulled her aside and told her she lived out on Shaw and had been praying for my family. She didn’t charge Camille for her lunch. Such a small, crazy world! What a nice and unexpected gesture! I continue to feel the love that surrounds us, some of it from people we don’t even know. This is such a horrific experience but we are very blessed that so many people care about us and continue to do anything they can think of to help us. I know that I will survive the holidays. I will be surrounded by family and we will keep moving forward. There’s really no other way to go.

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Better with time? – Originally posted 11/14/16

Patrick used to go away once or twice a year for a weekend of camping, fishing, relaxing and drinking beer. He often went with his only friend Joe 😉or his brother Matt. I’m not going to lie, I think it was good to have a break. The girls and I would usually go and buy sugary cereal (he did not buy that for them) and whatever other special treats they wanted. I would sleep really well since there was no snoring. After a day or two, I would really start to miss him and it was always nice when he got home. Tonight I saw a picture of him and I was reminded that I really miss him. I don’t need any more breaks, I just want him home.

At a wedding this weekend I was talking to relatives that I hadn’t seen since the funeral. My cousin Steve commented that he knew it hadn’t hit me at that point and he asked how long it was before it really hit me. I told him that it was probably a couple of months.

The initial shock is a blessing and a curse. I’m not sure if I could have functioned at all without it. On the other hand, I had no clue how much harder it would be later. I had this false sense that I was going to get through this easily. What an optimist!

I know he’s not coming back. But I still catch myself thinking “what if”? Tonight I had this crazy thought that maybe if I had just gone out to look for him again I would have found him alive. I’ve mentioned before that the brain can play cruel tricks on you. For a split second, I actually thought that maybe I did it wrong. Maybe I just didn’t find him?! Why would I even think that???

I do know that this is real but I often wonder if I am “doing this wrong”. I’m becoming more and more aware of my tendency to just stuff all the feelings inside me. This has been a good strategy to make it so far but I probably need to start letting it out a little more.

Okay, enough sadness! Yesterday Matt was going through beer stuff since there were lots of ingredients in the beer fridge and I don’t make or drink beer. I have decided that Patrick would want me to make sure there is always beer in his fridge. Denny and Matt have decided to keep beer on tap here and I think that’s kind of cool. Patrick would be really happy that people were still coming by for a glass of beer! While he was here, Matt figured out that the keg in the fridge still had a bit of Patrick’s second to last batch of beer in it. He decided to give it a try and pronounced it “Really, really, really good!” We laughed about it because there is no way Patrick would ever let beer age for 7 months! And it turns out that it does get better over time! I knew that we would probably keep finding surprises and I hope there are more left to discover!

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The Amazing Auger – Originally posted 11/13/16

I had a small victory a few nights ago. I unclogged the toilet! I know, who cares? I’m learning that there are a lot of things that I AM capable of doing and now I can add unclogging toilets to the list. My parents must be so proud!

I once woke Patrick up from a deep sleep to kill a bug. Ok, it was at least once but less than 10 times. My point is that I probably exaggerated my helplessness a little. Not necessarily intentionally but the end result was him taking care of a lot of the difficult things. I used to wonder why he even put up with me. Now that he is gone I am really beginning to realize how much he loved the girls and I. I always knew he loved us but I understand it more now. And I have a firm belief that love like that just doesn’t disappear. I can still feel it and I know he is always in our hearts.

The crazy part is that I am beginning to love myself more. I think I’ve always been a little hard on myself and maybe I thought I didn’t deserve him. But now I feel more confident and I think all in all I am doing okay.

So, back to the clogged toilet… As you may know, Patrick liked to solve problems and he was usually convinced that his way was the best. When I was growing up if the toilet was clogged, you got a plunger and unclogged it. When I got married I learned that if the toilet was clogged, Patrick would fix it. Unfortunately, it didn’t always happen when he was home. And we didn’t own a plunger because an Auger is the best thing to use to unclog a toilet! So, not much sticks to a plunger but an auger has all these metal parts and I think it’s kind of disgusting. Part of it is rubber and that part is supposed to protect your toilet but there are scratches in my toilets. And Patrick denied making them. Still, I would get the Auger thing and try to make it work. Maybe he showed me how to use it. Maybe several times… I don’t know why but I couldn’t really get the darn thing to work. Sierra eventually learned how to use it. I finally bought a plunger. When the toilet clogged earlier in the week both Camille and I tried the plunger, multiple times, no luck. So I got the stupid Auger and somehow it finally clicked. I used it the correct way and it immediately unclogged the toilet. It’s the greatest thing ever! 😂😂😂

In the last week, I finally managed to part with a few things. I threw his toothbrush away. I got rid of socks and underwear because I had no sentimental attachment. And the girls and I went through his t-shirts and each picked some to have made into blankets. He had a lot of t-shirts so there was more than enough. I’ve also set some aside for different family members. And Matt picked up the VW bus today. I’m so happy he has it. As he left I realized that selling it would have been like losing a part of him again. He loved that bus and I know he would be happy that Matt has it.

I have discovered that it feels really good to declutter. I’m doing a little bit at a time. I have a housekeeper now so that keeps me motivated. When your life is chaos you find order wherever you can. I haven’t always kept the cleanest house but it improves my mood so it is well worth the investment.

Tonight we attended my cousin Bob’s wedding to Christine. I was touched that they included Patrick when they remembered family members who were no longer with us. I am so happy for them and I know they will be great together.

Life moves forward and I can’t be left behind. I miss Patrick every day but I also have good days. Thank you all for your continued support!

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Cross Two More Off the List – Originally posted 11/7/16

This has been a week of second firsts for me. The week was also a hard one for me and I’m never quite sure why some days are harder than others. I haven’t been able to write all week so I’m not sure if I had writer’s block because I had a hard week or if I had a hard week because I couldn’t write anything.

On Halloween, I picked up Papa Murphy’s Take-N-Bake pizza to take to my mom’s. I realized after I got it that this was another unexpected “first”. We used to have pizza once per week. His favorite was BCs pizza but he felt they could be a little pricey so we wouldn’t get that all the time. When I worked in the office I would pick it up on the way home with instructions to call him when I did so he could preheat the oven. And when I got home I was usually greeted with a thank you and a kiss. He appreciated me and I appreciated him. Getting pizza was such a normal, routine thing but these are the kind of things I remember and sometimes they hurt the worst. Just the day to day interaction and knowing you were loved and appreciated. I just think of a typical night like this and I am filled with love, happiness, and unbearable sadness.

People always tell me that I am loved by many and I know and appreciate that. But there is still a hole in my heart that may never heal. I have a lot of romantic memories of our relationship but I feel the loss intensely when I remember the little moments of each day.

When I started working from home last year, Patrick made it a habit to come upstairs and give me a kiss when he got home. I was usually secretly annoyed since the afternoons were almost always quiet times and I was usually in the middle of something that required my full attention. I wanted to tell him that I was still working and just pretend I wasn’t there. Fortunately, I never did. I miss those interruptions now.

The other second first was going to a wedding. Erin is the mother of Sierra’s close friend, Olivia. They have been friends since second grade! Olivia is like one of my kids and Erin and I are friends as a result. Erin is quite a bit younger than me and has always been a single parent. She is very independent and did just fine on her own. She raised a wonderful daughter! And now she has met the love of her life, Matt!

I was worried that the wedding would be hard. I declined to attend a wedding over the summer because I didn’t want to be a distraction if I got emotional. I cried at the wedding last night. Tears of joy! The wedding was beautiful! Their love was apparent and I am really happy for them! I also attended with my girls and my nieces and we had a great time!

So I was doing pretty good today. But I have been stressed about possibly going back to work. Today I decided to check my disability status and my recent reconsideration request was denied. So I believe I will have to go back to work to qualify for early retirement. Everyone has told me that it’s only for a few months and I keep telling myself that too but honestly I wouldn’t be off work if it wasn’t difficult to be there.

The difficult part about my disability is that it is hard to prove. And the last two times I was taken off work due to my mental health, my employer denied my disability. The state covered it both times. This includes the time I was off after Patrick’s death. I did get five days of bereavement leave. I had to take vacation time the day of his funeral and four days after and the rest ended up as unpaid leave. I didn’t stress about it. I had other things to focus on.

If I had a heart attack or a surgery and was going through rehabilitation my doctor could fill out a simple form to certify that I was disabled. For mental health, it is a longer form with a lot of questions. I thought it would be easier this time since I am actually seeing a Psychologist but apparently, her opinion doesn’t matter.

So I’m questioning myself and wondering why some people can go through something like this and go right back to work. Am I less of a person? The thing is, I probably could go back to work at a different type of job. I am functioning in many ways but, for whatever reason, I can’t bear to go back.

I have worked there for 22 years and I was married to Patrick the whole time. I have had a lot of ups and downs at work and he was always there to encourage and support me. Four or five years ago I went through a very difficult time there and he has pretty much hated the thought of me working there since then. Someone asked me today what he would say to me. I feel that he would just tell me to do what I needed to do. He would be okay with whatever decision I made. I’m sure on the inside he would be thinking it would be better financially for me to keep working but he would never put that pressure on me.

So I am going to sleep on it. Pray a little. Hope for a sign or the strength to just make myself do it. If you hear that I ended up walking away from an early retirement package, please don’t judge me. I’m going to do whatever I need to so that I can keep moving forward. I might make mistakes and I might change my mind. That’s okay. I know I am doing the best I can and I really just have to get through one day at a time.

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A Break in the Clouds – Originally posted 10/31/16

The cloud hanging over me has cleared. For now. I have been waiting so long for the resolution of the case and it’s nice to know that I can have a little break from that. Next court date is exactly one month away. I wasn’t hoping for any particular thing to happen. I just wanted the waiting to be over.

I never know how I am going to react to updates. I don’t even remember the date we got the first full update on the case but it was in May. I came home and locked myself in my room. I have only done that a few times. Sometimes no amount of comforting is going to help. I only stayed in there for 30 minutes to an hour but I felt like I was never going to calm down.

Over the summer I waited weeks in between updates. The wheels of justice turn slowly and you really don’t want them to take shortcuts anyway. Then a few weeks ago I received unexpected news on the case and I went into a tailspin again. I couldn’t even update anyone like I usually did. I really only have to ever tell one person and they can spread the word but we have a lot of immediate family so it’s a lot of texting or calling.

I’ve been calmer since then. I was fully prepared to be a wreck the day I went to the DAs office. In the end, I felt they were just as diligent as the police and I was okay after that meeting. I voted for the DA and I am happy that I made that choice. She is very dedicated and caring.

I don’t want to put too much info out there until the case is over. I can say that the misdemeanor charge was the most they could do based on a few things. Most importantly California law does not have a clear measurement of drug impairment. That will be my mission once the case is resolved.

The arraignment was hard. I didn’t know how to feel when I saw the defendant. We did not expect the judge to increase the bail so that was a small victory. I had lots of support. Both of our Mom’s, Denise, Dawan, Denny, Connor, Cathy, Dina, Gabe, and Jenn. If you haven’t figured out by now, I am never alone in this and I am very grateful for my family. And honestly, they wouldn’t be anywhere else because they are all grieving too. As I have said from the beginning, I am surrounded by love. ❤❤❤😊😊😊

Tomorrow is Halloween. Actually, it starts in one minute. Halloween has been a big day for us over the years. When we were younger we always dressed up. And we had some awesome costumes! The first year we were a fork and a spoon. Over the years our costumes included Oscar and Emmy, Bartles and James, Wayne and Garth, a slice of Pizza and the Domino’s Pizza Noid, Hare Krishnas, an Angel and a Devil, Gangster and Flapper, and American Gothic (the painting, complete with picture frame). I may have missed some. I guess we stopped when we had kids and began focusing on their costumes.

Patrick liked to answer the door and basically harass the poor children. “Who are you supposed to be?”, “You don’t look like______”, “Aren’t you too old to be trick or treating?” Some of the kids figured him out and just laughed at him. I would usually hide in the other room and pray that I didn’t know any of the parents! I wonder if any of the kids will be looking for that crazy guy tomorrow night?

My mom and Ernie just moved back into town and she is excited about Halloween so I was happy to agree to hang out at her place. By the end of the night, I will be able to say I’ve crossed off another “first” without him. Happy Halloween!!! 🎃🎃🎃

 
Posted on

Facade – 10/25/16

Originally posted on 10/25/16

Everyone always tells me how strong I am. How composed I am. Some days it is merely a façade. And facades aren’t intended to be permanent. Sometimes they fall apart.

I think I just went too long without crying. You try to hold it all in but trust me, eventually, it’s going to come out. Today it was the plants at the top of the stairs. I looked at them and pictured him watering them. He took care of the plants. I’ve kind of taken pride in keeping a bunch of plants including those alive since the funeral but let’s just say some of them are half alive. Kind of how I feel some days. I go through the motions, do the minimum. I know this isn’t fun to read but this is the reality. This is grief. And I promised to be honest about it.

I was chatting with another widow today. She lost her husband a few weeks after Patrick. His name was Pat. We are sisters now. She told me “I still can’t believe Pat is gone!” I said, “I know, I think that every day!” You’d think my brain would come up with something more original. I don’t know why it insists on reminding me. As if I didn’t know!

On days like this, I just can’t believe this is still so hard. Not that I ever thought it would be easy but I swear it’s harder now than it was the first month. At least I know that I will have good days and I do seem to have them more often.

Too much sadness! I will tell a story that I haven’t really put out there. Many of you have heard that Patrick ordered pipes for Denny and Phillip. They arrived here but never made it to them. My latest theory is that the boxes they were in were put into the recycling bin on the day of the accident. As things started unfolding I knew my house would be full of people so of course, all I could think about was how messy it was. The pipes could still turn up but I kind of think they would have by now. They were hilarious. Denny’s was a corn cob pipe and Phillip’s was some ridiculously long thing.

In the course of trying to verify that he did receive both pipes, I found a recent Amazon order that he had placed. The order was for a lighter that was shaped like a little man with a rather large body part that the flame shot out of. I realized that the lighter had not yet arrived so I told the girls we would be getting a package that would make us laugh. The package came on a Monday. I got the mail and left it on the table. We were leaving the house to go to the funeral home to see him for the first time so opening the mail was not a priority. That was a really, hard day for all of us. On the way home Denny was driving and I started talking about the package. I realized that somehow Denny had not heard me talking about it! So, I decided that he could open it. He opened it and there were not one but two lighters in the package!!! I’m not sure who they were intended for but we all got a really, good laugh out of them. They were on the mantle for a while, “saluting” his picture. I finally hid them after one too many kids noticed them (oops)! I didn’t put the picture in the original post but here it is! 

Later I decided that they would be a new family game. I gave one to Alyssa to hide in Denny’s house and one to Caitlin to hide in Gabe’s house. Gabe’s was apparently found quickly but Denny’s was in his 49er helmet and after several months we all but told him it was there and it was hilarious when he finally noticed it. Patrick’s humor lives on…. And now I can go to sleep with a smile on my face!