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Everything has changed

I was driving today and it occurred to me that every single thing I was wearing has been purchased after Patrick died. This included the watch, the ring on my right hand, and even my purse and phone. Even the car I was driving was purchased "after". Such an odd feeling. I know I look at least a little different too but he would still recognize me. Still, it takes a long time for things to change this much.

In the last week or so I finally got around to taking his name off joint credit accounts. Honestly it wasn't a huge priority for me. I didn't realize that he was the primary cardholder on some of them. A day or two later an Amazon order didn't go through. After finally calling the company I realized that removing his name actually closed the account. I only had a small balance because I use it to get reward points and pay it off each month. I had to listen to a long disclosure explaining how I wasn't responsible for the charges. I finally interrupted to tell them that I just wanted to pay it off and reapply in my name. I guess I have been committing fraud all this time.

I'm still learning new things about being a widow. I probably should have changed everything over a long time ago but I basically did the necessities and then have dealt with others when ready. I am actually lucky in this respect as some widows don't have the luxury of letting things sit like that. For many widows, losing their husband has a terrible financial impact. Those whose spouse had long illnesses have used up any savings to pay for medical bills and loss of income. Many couldn't afford life insurance. I am grateful that Patrick could and it has at least made things a little easier. When the accounts were closed I realized what a bind that could potentially put a widow or widower in if they suddenly lost access to credit accounts.

I decided it would be a good idea to run a free credit report on him. And I COULD NOT remember his social security number! I couldn't believe it! I've had that number memorized for years!! I know it was just a momentary lapse but it was another reminder of how much has changed. Luckily there were no red flags in the credit report.

I'm sure there will continue to be changes but hopefully they can continue to happen gradually. Change can be good but it's also comforting to hold on to some of the familiar.

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What would Patrick do?

I’m sure I’ve mentioned how much we enjoy imagining how Patrick would react in different situations. He had such a crazy sense of humor and we all knew him so well that it’s not hard to predict how he would react to particular situations. I used to be embarrassed or horrified at his reactions but now I just miss the constant entertainment. Predicting his reaction is my way of keeping his memory alive. The bonus is that it is easier and less painful to smile and laugh than to cry. 

Last summer my sister Dawan suggested we join her family in Catalina for their annual vacation with her husband’s family. It was the kind of distraction we needed last summer and we had a great time. 

We went in the midst of the Pokémon Go craze and we spent a lot of time chasing Pokémon. It helped us work off all of the yummy dinners and snacks. If you’re not familiar with the game, it involves using your smart phone and walking around to find virtual characters and then catch them. I realize that a lot of people thought it was a ridiculous way to spend time, especially for a middle-aged mom like me! I didn’t care because it made me smile!

At some point it occurred to me that Patrick never knew about this game and I mentioned to the girls that he would have had a field day with it. First we would have had a long discussion to explain the game to him. It would be a serious discussion but he would be mocking us the whole time. When he “understood” the game he would probably then suggest that he play it with us. We would remind him for the thousandth time that he did not have a smart phone. He would reply that he had three and then try to get one of us to give him one of those three phones. And there would be no way any of us would let him touch our phones because who knew what he might do with them?!

When he figured out that we weren’t going to give in, he would announce that he could play on his flip phone. Then he would proceed to play an exaggerated version of the game. His version might involve climbing a tree, hopping up and down or using stealth moves. And I’m sure that his version would have special Pokémon that only he could catch. They would have names like alutnarat, booger, and diputs. Or maybe they would be called nystagmus or syncope (two names he actually proposed as baby names). We all had a good laugh imagining his reaction and it made playing the game even more fun!

We just got back from our second trip to Catalina with the Utecht’s and Brandlin’s. This time we added a few teNyenhuis kids to our entourage. Sierra has a “twin” cousin, Dominic. They were born on the same day in the same hospital and Monday was their twenty-first birthday and Catalina was the perfect place to celebrate! We had a great time!


This year was easier than last year. I didn’t seem to notice every single happy couple and I didn’t cry at all. I’m not going to say that I didn’t miss him. I miss him every day and especially when I’m having a great time because he should be there too, right? It’s just a little easier to bear now.

I saw the No Turkeys Allowed sign in Catalina. I think I remember seeing it last year too but it didn’t catch my attention. I happened to be walking by it alone and there were people sitting in the yard it was in. I was almost overcome by a sudden urge to ask them why I couldn’t bring my turkey there. Then I thought of Patrick and I knew he absolutely would have said something. He would have started a crazy rant about discriminating against turkeys. The people would have thought he was crazy. I would have needed to drag him away in embarrassment. I never thought I would miss that but I would give anything for him to annoy me now! He was crazy and unforgettable and that makes it easy for me to imagine him in situations that never happened. He still makes me laugh and laughter is good. ❤️❤️❤️

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I need a Patrick funny!

My friend, Dawn, lost her father today. I never met him and I have only really known her since Patrick died. She has been a good friend. One of the first things she told me, and I think she would be okay with me sharing this, is that Patrick was one of her work crushes! I had an immediate bond with her because he was my work crush too! And, I know that he was the kind of guy that people had crushes on. I was okay with this because I knew I had his heart. In the short time I have known Dawn I have come to realize that she was extremely close to her father and I know she must be in a lot of pain.

Dawn enjoyed Patrick’s sense of humor and we’ve enjoyed sharing stories of his antics from the other side of his life (home vs work). I am truly blessed to have met her. Today she told me she needed a Patrick funny so this is for her! It’s more than just a funny so you’ll have to read through it to get to that part! I enjoyed reading it again just now and I put it here to preserve the memory.  I hope you will enjoy it too.

Letter from Dan Snider shortly after Patrick’s death (with Dan’s permission)

I heard about the tragic news. I am writing to you with a heavy heart. Laura and I are extremely saddened.

Since I heard on Wednesday afternoon, Laura and I have prayed for comfort for you and your daughters. Memories of Pat have been often in my mind in the last few days.

I would like to share with you some of my memories and what Pat meant to me in the decade that I was fortunate to have worked with him and got to know him. Danell, I know most people refer to Pat as Patrick but he told me I could call him Pat as this is how I knew him. I am not doing this at all to show any disrespect but because that is how I knew him and it seems natural for me.

The last time I saw Pat was at the Clovis Recreation Department approximately 2 years ago where he played floorball. I had just finished a practice session with my children’s basketball team and I saw Pat standing by the entrance as I was leaving. We talked for a few minutes catching up briefly on work and our families. It was nice to talk with him.

Two Saturday’s ago (April 9th), I took my daughter to shoot basketball at Clovis East around 7:00 PM. In the parking lot by the soccer and baseball field, my daughter sees this vehicle parked and says, “Dad, look at the van, now that is cool.” I believe the vehicle there that night was Pat’s as I know his VW van, as I used to see it parked at his outpatient clinic all the time over the last 11 years. I was about to go see if it was Pat but was running late and decided not to. I am disappointed that I did not. The Sunday of April 17th I was reading the sports page and saw your daughter Camille’s name in the paper as part of the Clovis East championship soccer team. Seeing her name brought memories back to me of Pat, you and your family. Then last Wednesday Olga shared with me the news of Pat.

As I believe you know, Pat and I went to the same physical therapy school and he was a year ahead of me. There was a student in Pat’s class that was older at the time named Dennis Fearing. Dennis decided that school was moving too fast while raising a family and ended up finishing in the class I graduated in. I became very good friends with Dennis. I helped Dennis with his studies at times during physical therapy school. He mentioned to me that there was this super smart guy in his class the year before. He told me this guy had a photographic memory and when a teacher asked a question this guy would give a speech like it was coming from a textbook and his name was Patrick teNyenhuis. Dennis was extremely impressed by Pat. As you may also know, I ended up working with Pat at the VA because I also received a scholarship from the VA and owed them time.

I greatly appreciated Pat and your kindness towards me when I began working at the VA. Coming to your house for several parties and Pat organizing my local bachelor party, I will never forget. I am grateful to you both for being at my wedding in Las Vegas. I also remember going to dinner with you and Pat, I believe in the Tower district and seeing Mission Impossible. 

As I read an article in the paper recently about Pat and his joy of brewing, playing the banjo and floorball, it brought a smile to my face. I remember Pat playing his banjo at lunch time in this small office next to my desk at work. As I understand it, he became quite an accomplished banjo player. I remember when Pat began to play floorball and now I read that he was on a traveling team. I also remember how much Pat loved his beer. Another thing Pat loved that comes to my mind every time I think of him is his VW van. I remember when he purchased it and how happy he was and all the work he told me he put in it refurbishing it. That vehicle is a part of who he was. I remember when Pat shared the news of when you were pregnant with both of your children and the smile he had. Pat told me when you were pregnant with Sierra that “he slipped one past the goalie.” Pat’s dry sense of humor is something that I missed a lot when he left the VA.

After I graduated PT school and began working at the VA, I had to take a licensure exam. I took the licensure exam several months after beginning my work at the VA. I had to drive to Los Angeles to take it, no internet at the time. Pat knew I was nervous about finding out the results and at that time the results came 4-6 weeks later in the mail. Pat stated to me on several occasions that the easiest way to know you passed is if you receive a yellow envelope. He stated that people who failed received a white envelope. I am usually not that gullible but Pat sold it real well. The day I received my exam results and saw a white envelope, I was crushed until I actually opened the envelope and found out that Pat messed with me. Pat had shared priceless stories with me about his first year at the VA before I got there and his interaction with the physical therapist I replaced. They are not appropriate stories to share at this time, but I still bust up laughing when I think of them.

Although Pat had only one year experience more than me, I felt he was a mentor to me. Pat began the casting program at the VA and taught me how to do them. Since then I have taught many people. The thing I admired about Pat was his work ethic. He was always at work on time and worked his full shift without cutting corners. He never cheated the VA out of one minute of work. He had the highest integrity and was extremely ethical. Pat walked the talk so to speak. It was easy for me to want to work with someone like that. I have been around a lot of physical therapists over the years and there is no one better than Pat!

I will greatly miss Pat and I will never forget him. He was part of my work life for 12 years. I feel honored and privileged to have known him. Laura and I pray for you and your daughters. God bless you and your family.

I am so grateful to have stories like this to share and remember Patrick. By the way, he was Pat when I met him too and for the next 14 years. In 1999, or sometime shortly before, he decided that Patrick was a more grown up name and decided that he would be “Patrick in 2000”. At the time this really annoyed me but once Patrick was committed to something, it was pointless to resist. I changed to Patrick like everyone else and now it is how I remember him.  Please feel free to share any other funny stories in the comments. Dawn could use the laugh today!

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4th of July

Patrick and I always loved the 4th of July! We were on our honeymoon on July 4, 1992. We went on a cruise that began in San Juan, Puerto Rico. I remember being a little surprised that the announcements were in 3 languages. I think they acknowledged Independence Day but it was the first time I was ever out of the country on the 4th. I think we might have been in Curaçao that day and we happened to see a ship with an American Flag on it and it made me very happy!

The next year we had a combination 4th of July/housewarming party and it was the beginning of a fairly annual tradition. We missed some years for various reasons (didn’t feel like hosting a party the year I was 9 months pregnant)! We liked having parties on the 4th though.

Patrick would usually barbecue tri-tip and everyone would bring something. We usually made homemade chocolate chip ice cream. We took our fireworks seriously! Usually there would be multiple men arranging an elaborate display. I think my cousins even made us a display with several shelfs for the fireworks. I would usually bring the karaoke machine out so that Travis Holland could sing the National Anthem and then we would play patriotic music during the fireworks. We’re lucky that there were never any injuries or burns because the guys got a little crazy with the fireworks! We were always exhausted at the end of the night but it was always a fun time.

Patrick was a party throwing machine! I usually handled the inside prep and he would make sure the backyard was ready to go. He would fill ice chests, make ice cream and do many other things to get ready. In the last few frantic moments before people started arriving, if one of us finished what we were doing we would check in with the other to see if we could help. 

I have had a lot of get togethers since he died and I always catch myself looking around, expecting to see him. 

Last year the 4th kind of blindsided me. Silly me, I forgot how special it was! I decided I couldn’t handle going to any parties but I relented and went to my brother’s house just before the fireworks. I was glad that I went. 

I wasn’t feeling well on the last 4th of July we had together so, sadly, I didn’t go to the party. The party was at Denny’s and it was one of the first times Patrick had been around Denny’s friend, Phillip. He struck up a conversation and asked Phillip what he did for a living. Phillip explained that he was a supervisor for the street sweepers in Fresno. My charming husband said, “They need a supervisor”. Phillip’s girlfriend, Becky, whom I’ve known for years, walked up right then and I can only imagine what she thought of Patrick. That was just Patrick though. He didn’t have a filter sometimes and he always had a complex thought process. I saw Becky a few days later and I said, “So, you met my husband?” And then we had a good laugh!  Luckily he and Phillip really clicked and when he died both Phillip and Becky had some great memories of time spent with Patrick. 

This year feels like it will be easier but I am prepared for unexpected feelings. I know I’ll get through it but it would be impossible to not be constantly reminded of him tomorrow, just as I am every other day.

Happy 4th of July!!!

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Twenty-five years later

I had technical difficulties last night but my site is back up and secure. Still learning about web hosting and blogging! I added a bit to the story!

Twenty-five years. A lifetime ago. A lifetime lived between then and now. 
I married Patrick on June 27, 1992. I remember that it was a beautiful day with clear skies! My dad took me to breakfast while a lot of people worked to decorate the Retired Teacher’s Hall where the reception was held. 
Later I had a manicure, pedicure and my bridesmaids and I all had our hair done in up-dos. I’m an 80’s girl so it had to be sufficiently big hair! After that we drove to the church, Sacred Heart. I remarked to my sisters that I was surprised that everything was going so smoothly. Dawan laughed and said, “Yeah, no problems, nothing like ants in the favors or anything!” And this remark went right over my head. I was having a perfect day and it didn’t occur to me that Dawan was serious. 
The favors were actually metallic paper that I had taken to the teacher center and used the die-cut machine to cut into the shape of a bag. Inside the bag was netting filled with M & M’s. Half of them were assembled in our apartment which apparently had an ant infestation. Someone painstakingly opened all of the bags to check for ants. If you were there 25 years ago and ate the M & M’s, I apologize!  
Basically nothing was going to interfere with this day we had waited almost 6 years for! Everything came together beautifully! 

Tomorrow I will probably be able to watch a little more of the video than I did last year. I try to remember the joy that I experienced then and the next 23 years and almost 10 months. I thought we would be married for many, many more years. I looked forward to celebrating a lot more milestones. 
I always felt that we had a good marriage but at the same time I wondered how I got so lucky. I was sure that I didn’t deserve him. I know that now I tend to remember the happiest times. There were plenty of those but he annoyed me with his snoring, I spent too much money and I’m sure there were many other things that bugged him. Still, I was hopeful that we would always be together. 
At some point after he died it occurred to me that we had truly lived our marriage vows. We were faithful and we took care of each other until death parted us. I’m so grateful that we had that.
I was thinking today that it is so unreal that when he died I was no longer married. Just like that, in the blink of an eye. These are the kind of thoughts I have. 
On this anniversary I will try my hardest to spend my day filled with happy memories with some distractions mixed in. He would want it that way. 
Twenty-five years. A lifetime of love. Never enough but I am grateful for the time I had. ❤️❤️❤️

When I posted this story my friend Dawn shared a memory from the wedding. When it was time for me to toss the bouquet I threw it from a stage. The ceiling had some sort of recessed lighting ledges and that’s where it landed. It may still be there! I found this picture of Gabe on a ladder looking for it. The best part is Pop (Patrick’s dad) standing nearby with a bouquet which he immediately put together as a replacement. He’s handy like that! 

Today turned out okay. The girls and I went to the gym for our usual double workout. Then we came home and swam and tanned for a bit. We are working on our base tans for vacation! It’s a rough life! Matt and the kids came by, I did some homework and I finished the day with a trip to Mickey’s Yogurt since they have oatmeal cookie gelato right now. Not a bad day! ❤️❤️❤️

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Garage Treasures

Most people consider cleaning out their garage a dreaded chore. For me, it is a treasure hunt! Our garage has room for two cars and an extra space for storage. We have always parked our cars in the garage so it wasn’t a complete nightmare. Parts of it were though! 

We used to have a small fence in front of the cars. There is a dog door from the laundry room to the garage and then the garage to the yard. The fence was to keep Aggie from running out when the garage door was open. I have fallen over the fence on more than one occasion when my heel has caught it and it wasn’t pretty! After Aggie died I took it down and I’ve really been wanting to do some organizing and throw out unneeded things. Since the Cruiser is in the shop it’s the perfect opportunity. 

I didn’t completely finish today but I took a full carload to Goodwill, my recycling bin is almost completely full and the trash can is getting there. I can already see a difference! Let me tell you, my husband was prepared for just about any kind of home project. He saved everything! Cardboard, a broken garage door opener, a LOT of empty beer bottles for beer making. A few weeks ago I filled the back of my car with boxes of beer bottles and they weighed 68 pounds! That equals five dollars and change in case you are wondering, lol. I found a few more today and put them in the recycling bin. 

I found a whole box of stuff for the VW bus. Matt has been having some issues with it so this should help! 

I filled a huge bin with beer making supplies. The girls went through our costumes and got them from 3 boxes to 1 bin. I found a box full of teaching stuff, mainly files on things like earthquakes and volcanoes. I didn’t tackle that one yet. And, of course, I found a box of treasures! 

This time the box was my stuff so I didn’t think I would find much. The first thing I saw was this. The sign that was put on the car when we left our wedding. 


I also had newspapers from the first gulf war, the 1989 earthquake, and 9/11. Also various magazines. I had plaques, trophies and medals. Sports award programs, patches that were never sewn on my letterman jacket, and a t-shirt from Clark Intermediate with the name of every 8th grader from 1981 printed on it. And my cap from my college graduation! My nephews were my pride and joy back then and this was what they called me for a while. 

The best treasures were two cards and a drawing from Patrick. The first was a handmade card from our first Valentine’s Day, which would have been 1987! He was very creative! 

He made this pencil drawing of me. 

And the best treasure was another Valentine’s card. It says, “For My Wife,” but we weren’t actually married yet. 



I don’t quite know how I got so lucky to find Patrick. I still miss him tremendously and I can’t believe he’s gone. Sometimes I agonize over his last minutes and I still hope I will wake up from this bad dream. As hard as it is, at the same time, I am profoundly grateful that I had so much time with him. Whenever I find these little hidden treasures it is a reminder of how deeply he loved me and what a great life we had together. That’s what I will go to sleep dreaming about, all the wonderful times!

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A Bit of Closure 2/16/17

This was originally posted on 2/16/17. I am reposting today since the defendant has completed his program. I’ll make a new post about that also. The image is the picture I planned to show the defendant.

Court is over finally. The defendant will spend 316 days in a treatment facility. I will write more about it later. Here are the statements we read. FYI “addressing the defendant” means addressing his back.

Statement read by Denny
Testimony

Your honor, I want to thank you for the opportunity to address the court. I’d like to start by reading a note from Daniel teNyenhuis, Patrick’s brother who cannot be here today. Dan is a retired United States Marine who still works to keep our nation safe. While we are in court for the sentencing of the man who caused his brother’s death, Dan is at work defending us.

These are Dan’s words –
“Patrick John teNyenhuis was my first friend and will always be my friend. I knew Pat before I knew anyone else. I spent my formative years with him. He significantly contributed to my personality and character. I owe much of my success to his influence. Yes, Patrick John teNyenhuis did live a blessed live. Pat deserved every blessing he received, including his three girls, Danell, Sierra, and Camille. Pat earned his other blessings through hard work and dedication, including his career as an expert Physical Therapist where he routinely helped others in need. Patrick John teNyenhuis was a COMPLETE man in mind, body, and spirit; from his music and career, to his health and physical fitness, to his family and faith. During his life, Patrick John teNyenhuis met people from all walks of life through his profession and his hobbies. Pat could talk with crowds and keep his virtue; he could walk with kings without losing his common touch. The world is a lesser place without the skills, music, and wit of Patrick John teNyenhuis. We all miss him.
–Daniel Joseph teNyenhuis

I can’t do a better job than Dan to describe Pat or the impact his life had on everyone around him.

Before I sit down, though, I want to talk about the impact his death had, and the actions that brought us all here today.
It’s important that everyone in this room understand that we are not here by accident. Recently, following a court appearance, a member of the defendant’s family told us that they were praying for us, but it was an accident. That is a lie.

Pat’s death was not an accident. He died because of the irresponsible, selfish and illegal actions of the defendant.
The defendant chose to buy an illegal drug.
The defendant chose to take that illegal drug. The defendant chose to get behind the wheel of a car and drive while under the influence of that drug and the sleep deprivation that resulted from its use. Whether it was intentional or not, the defendant then hit and killed Patrick. No logical person argues these facts.

Where logic still fails us all is the lack of accountability being shown here, and the total lack of justice.

The defendant will be back with his friends and family within a year, while Patrick is gone forever from our lives.

Neither are things we can change. We have to try and accept them, and choose to honor Pat’s legacy rather than live our lives filled with anger over the unimaginably deep and painful hole he left behind.
We will spend the rest of our lives following Patrick’s examples.

When this legal process started, many of us hoped that the defendant would be accountable for his actions and would take responsibility. As we learned more about his long criminal history, we were forced to give up that hope. On April 20 of last year the Defendant forever changed the lives of our family and his own. The only hope I have left for some positive outcome from this terrible crime, is that it is not too late for everyone in this courtroom to learn from a better example. For that hope I offer the memory of Patrick.
Patrick was a man who loved God and his family. Patrick was a man who worked hard, every day of his life. Patrick was a man who worked for everything he achieved in life and always shared what he had with those in need. Patrick was a man who often worked six days a week to provide a better life for his wife and children. Patrick was a man who had dreams and worked hard to achieve them. Patrick was a man who touched the lives of everyone he met. Patrick was a man who accepted the blame when he made mistakes and did everything he could to do better.
Patrick was a man.

Today I asked the court to do all it can to encourage the defendant to be a man from this day forward. To be a man and accept the terrible results of his crime. To be a man and work hard to change his life, so that this awful scene is not repeated. To be a man and work hard to give his children a better example. To be, a man.
Your honor, I thank you.

My Statement
My name is Danell teNyenhuis. For the last 24 years, I was Patrick’s wife. Our marriage began in 1992 and ended on April 20th, 2016 when you took his life.

I am not a vindictive person. I know very little about you. I know you are a father and I know that you made a series of poor choices that
resulted in Patrick’s death.

There is no punishment that will make up for the loss my daughters and I have suffered due to your choices. Unfortunately, our legal system was unable to find a way to adequately hold you accountable. So, you will do your time and then have the rest of your life ahead of you.

What will you do with the rest of your life?
Let me tell you how Patrick lived his life. He was an amazing husband! We were truly partners in life. He helped with everything including doing the grocery shopping and most of the cooking. He also found time to make me feel special and loved. He made all of my dreams come true. He was a wonderful father to our daughters, Sierra and Camille. His daughters were his pride and joy! When they were infants he would get up with them at night, change their diapers and then bring them to me to nurse. When they began eating solid foods he made all their baby food from scratch. He attended sporting events, helped with science projects and truly enjoyed spending time with them. They are beyond devastated by his loss. In the next year one will graduate from high school and one from college. Someday they will get married and have children and he will miss these important milestones.

Patrick was an excellent physical therapist. I know because he helped me rehabilitate after hip surgery. I also know due to the numerous
patients who have reached out to me since his death. Here is just one of the many stories that have been shared.

In 2009 I had a surgery which resulted in damage to my femoral nerve. Patrick became my physical therapist for an entire year, 3 times per week, as he persisted to try to figure out the best therapy routine and exercise regime to help my femoral nerve
regenerate and function. He did not know if the nerve was severed, crushed, stretched or who knows what, but he was relentless in the challenge to help me be able to use my right leg
again. I developed the greatest respect for him, his physical therapy skills, his tenacity and determination to take on the challenge and master the results successfully for me, as well as for his professional skills and efforts. The therapy was successful because of his training, perseverance and knowledge. I was able to move and functionally use my right leg again. He told me that I was a rehab miracle. The truth is, the miracle was God’s divine intervention transferred through Patrick’s passion for healing, professional skills and caring personality for his clients,
including me. He became not only my therapist but my friend during those sessions.

Patrick was also a devoted son and brother. And he was loved by 22 nieces and nephews and numerous extended family members. He was a good friend to many but was also humble and felt he only had one friend. His funeral service was standing room only.

He was a great provider for his family and he worked overtime most weekends to ensure that he could pay for his daughters to go to
college. He was unselfish and spent very little money on himself.

I could go on and on but I think by now you might be realizing how many people were affected by his death. In my opinion you have been given the gift of a second chance. Will you choose to continue the same path and risk making a poor choice again? My challenge to you is that you learn from this tragedy. Do your time and then change your life. Do
something positive. Make a difference in the world. Share your story as a lesson to others. I am not ready to offer forgiveness. But, if you want to atone for this then make your life matter.
The girls Instagram posts from 4/20/16, which I read in court.

Dina’s Statement

I’m Dina teNyenhuis, Patrick is my brother.

I’m not going to talk about Patrick being senselessly taken away from us because there are no words to describe the grief and anguish and pain it has caused our family. I’m going to talk about “accidents”. What is an accident? I think everyone in this room knows what one is. The problem with accidents is sometimes the ChoicesWeMake are what cause them to happen.

When my students would make poor choices and then claim that the result of their choices “was an accident,” I used this example to explain to them that they can’t hide behind that excuse: If you choose to climb up on a table and start dancing, then you fall off the table and break your arm, or another student’s arm – it was your choice to climb in the table – something you shouldn’t have done in the first place, that led to the “accident”, even if you didn’t intend to fall off.

If we make choices to do certain things or choose a certain type of lifestyle, there are consequences to those choices and to the “accidents” those choices lead to. We put ourselves in positions that can cause negative circumstances or “accidents”. Those are within our control. Our negative choices caused them.

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Patience – 1/21/17

This was originally published on 1/21/17. I still have a lot of blogs to transfer over from Tumblr but I needed this as I am going to reference it in another entry I am writing today!

“I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.”

Margaret Thatcher

The leader of my widow support group challenged us to pick one word for 2017. The instructions involved putting a little thought into it and I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it. With school work and all I didn’t really want another assignment. I thought it might take too long to figure it out, but then it came to me, “PATIENCE.”

This might seem like an odd choice for me. In some ways I am a very patient person. I also sometimes have a need for instant gratification. This is the reason I liked gambling so much, in fact, too much! Last year the girls and I spoiled ourselves a little so I had a lot of instant gratification (not gambling though). But we can’t live like that forever.

Patrick has been gone nine months today. Most of the time I wish I could travel back in time to spend more time with him or relive happy memories. I know that is not my reality so the rest of the time I wish I could fast forward to a time when the grief is not so bad. I know it will never go away but I have heard it does get somewhat easier and that’s where I want to be. The thing is, I have also heard that you can’t hold it in, you have to work through it. So that’s where patience comes in.

“No, no! The adventures first, explanations take such a dreadful time.”

Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

I need to accept that everything takes time. I can’t blink my eyes and be laughing and smiling all the time, I need to be patient. I want to be in better shape and lose weight. That won’t happen overnight and if I want to develop good habits, really lifestyle changes, I need to be patient.

I’ve talked about all of the different things I want to do to get organized and I know I can’t do them all at once. I have already been exercising some patience by just accepting that I will get things done as I get them done, it’s not going to happen overnight.

Patrick was much more patient than I am. I’m pretty sure that I probably tried to convince him that we should get married sooner but he stuck to the plan. Maybe the long (to me) wait for the proposal was a little lesson for me, be patient, good things are to come.

I think we could all use a little more patience in life. One thing I like about my new workouts is that we don’t spend too much time on any one exercise. So even if it is something I hate, or I am really tired, I know I just have to hang in there for a bit longer and then we will move on to something else. Patience is knowing that if you keep walking through the darkness, eventually there will be light again.

As hard as losing Patrick has been, I know I will experience joy, happiness and love again and again in my life. It’s not going to happen overnight, so I just have to be patient.

“Patience is power.
Patience is not an absence of action;
rather it is “timing”
it waits on the right time to act,
for the right principles
and in the right way.“

Fulton J. Sheen


Posted on

Calming the chaos – 1/13/17

This was originally published on my Tumblr blog and I hadn’t moved it over yet. I’m moving it now to go with a new post on the same topic!

In the aftermath of Patrick’s death there has been ongoing disorganization in my household. The initial disorganization was the chaos in my mind as I struggled to take what was once my dependable life and reorganize it into an unexpected future. I call this widow fog or grief fog and it still reappears at times.

Disorganization is actually a really good word for the mental state I have been in. Since early in our relationship we had been on this life path that was pretty carefully planned out. The plan went on and on but suddenly he was gone. I’m still trying to process the fact that the original plan is finished and the new plan is not complete. The remaining items in the plan mainly involved the girls. Get them through school, hopefully marriage someday and eventually grandchildren. Those things will still happen, just not as planned. The more obvious disorganization is in the house.

On the day he died and for weeks afterward I ceased to care about my house. Aside from my initial concern that it was cluttered, once the worst was confirmed I simply didn’t care. Other people took care of things. People brought food and things like water, paper plates, paper towels… different people cleaned up. Items found temporary new homes. Things needed to be done and everyone knew I didn’t care where they put the dishes after they were washed. I caused some disorganization as I searched for pictures and other items to display at the service. I was obsessed with capturing his essence and I seem to keep pictures in a lot of different places. I also spent time going through drawers and boxes looking for things. I didn’t care about putting things back exactly as I found them. We are approaching 9 months and I am still disentangling the chaos. Sometimes I just don’t understand how there is still so much.

The garage especially confounds me. Patrick had a weight machine in the garage. The area around it had to be clear in order for him to workout, which he did multiple times each week. That area is now one big pile of confusion. I finally figured out that there was a home for everything but Patrick’s preferred method of storage was based on the game Tetris. I’m convinced that there is only one way to put things back and only he knew that.

Some things belong in hard to reach places or involve a feat of physical strength to get them put away. Like most garages we probably need about 1/5 of the things we have in there. And I guarantee you that Patrick would have said it was a smaller number. A tenth, or even smaller. He always joked about renting a dumpster and putting most of what we own in it because, “We have too much stuff”.

I have a housekeeper now and I know he would definitely have an opinion about this. In fact I know what his opinion was. Even though we never had a housekeeper he always said that people had to clean up before the housekeeper came. Once this was done, why do you need a housekeeper? I am paying them to clean toilets, vacuum and dust. The biggest service they are providing is motivation. Every two weeks everything needs to be in it’s “home”, ready for the housekeepers. So far this has been accomplished by having a few off limits rooms. Last time I made it my mission to get the sunroom at a point where they could at least clean most of it. The loft/office area is next on the list.

I really can’t stress enough what a mental boost it is to have things clean and organized. Maybe it is just me and other people wouldn’t care? I try to go to Goodwill every week or two. I know I could have a garage sale but I am not willing to store items in anticipation of that. Sometimes you need to do it in stages. I did some organizing and downsizing in the kitchen over the summer and I am planning to do it again at some point. This week I tackled the spice cabinet, which was ridiculous! Who thought up the Tupperware spice containers? I had the full set, carefully labeled with various spices. I don’t normally cook very much! Patrick pretty much used salt, pepper, garlic and hot sauce. And did you know that most spices are really only good for around 12 months! I had no clue! And the spice companies are smart! A lot of them are not labeled with a use by date. So, you’re already at a disadvantage and then you put them in a Tupperware container with no date!!!??? I threw out at least 4/5 of the spices in the cabinet. I’m too embarrassed to tell you the oldest confirmed date on a spice but it was older than Sierra. 😂😂😂 And seriously, I bet the Tupperware ones were even older!

Yesterday I was working on the loft, going through pictures and greeting cards. I have a lot of random unused cards. I like to keep some on hand but I also forget to take them with a gift so I found several age specific children’s cards and I set them aside even though I probably won’t remember that I already have a card for a 2 year old’s birthday. I also found “To The Special Man I married”. I know there are more like this. We didn’t always make a big fuss about birthdays and I always intended to give him his card… But life is busy and a card for your spouse is not one that you quickly sign. There is so much to say. I really wish I had taken the time to write those words and give him that card. I’m not going to dwell on it, he knew I loved him. But if I had it to do over again…

Today I will organize a little more and I will keep working on it until everything has a place and is neatly stored there. Hopefully the organization will clear a little more of the fog. I need to be able to see what lies ahead on my new path.