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Young Love

I often wish I could relive the past 31 years. I know this is a common wish. If only I could go back in time, make different choices, etc. But I just want to relive it! Savor it! Enjoy it! If I could do it I would only make one change and that would be to make sure he never left the house that day.

Being young and in love is so much fun! I highly recommend it. Right after Patrick died it was a lot harder to be around couples. Now I am at the point where I can be a little more happy for them. Still a little jealous but mainly happy! I especially enjoy seeing couples in the early stages of their relationships and marriages. My nephew, Dustin, is getting married next month. We all love Jenna and we’re really happy for them. I’m so excited for them because I remember what an exciting time it is!

My cousin’s son, Kenny, is expecting his first child with his wife, Trish. I attended their shower last weekend and it brought back a lot of happy memories. Having a child with someone you love is the most wonderful thing in the world and I’m so happy they get to experience that!

Last week I went to a concert with my daughter Sierra, my niece Caitlin, my friend Linda, and my sister Denise. I went mainly because I wanted Sierra to experience live music, in a small venue, like we used to do. Patrick wasn’t always there so it’s not so much a romantic memory but more of a nostalgic one. We were all having a good time. The young girls were near the dance floor and the rest of us were in the balcony. Linda and I were standing next to a young couple, sharing a table with them. We started talking to them and they were so cute! I’m really mad that I can’t remember their names! Hers was really cute, something like Carly but more unusual? His might have been Robb.

They were a good looking couple but it was more than that. They were having a great time together, really comfortable together. They probably thought we were a little creepy but we were just enjoying talking to them. We were surprised to hear that they had only been dating a few months and both were in Fresno temporarily. As he went to get a drink she told us how much she really liked him but that it probably wouldn’t work out since they were leaving. She did mention that they were both from Illinois. I told her if it was meant to be they would find a way!

Admittedly, Linda and I are both kind of romantics in our own ways. Our marriages ended differently but we are both hopeful for the future. And yes, we might have been in a good mood because of the beverages we had! Lol. But, this couple seemed to have a special little spark. And we told them that if you are meant to be, love will find a way! Maybe not those exact words, but we were both really rooting for love!

Before they left I wrote down my phone number and website (I know, I’m a Creeper). I told her that if they DO end up getting married to let me know and I would do something special! I will probably never hear from them again but wouldn’t it be a great story if I did?

So, here’s to young love! Enjoy it! Savor it! Remember it! By the way, I don’t have permission to post these pictures but I will take them down if asked! Yay to love! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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Village of Support

My mind didn’t let me believe it right away. My heart knew that Patrick was gone but I also knew that I was going to have to wait for confirmation. As the shock settled in, the first thing I thought was, “My house is a mess!” I realize that people don’t care about these things at times like this but I knew, without a doubt, that a lot of people would be in my house that day.

When you are born into the Hatch, Boyles, Prandini or teNyenhuis families, you know that family is everything. I am so lucky and blessed that ALL of our extended families are pretty similar when it comes to caring about each other. Family is extremely important. And “family” is a loose term because all of these families are known to “adopt” anyone who starts hanging around, lol. One of the things that these families do best is support each other. So, when I realized Patrick was gone, I also knew that I would be encircled in love and support. I only actually told a few people, but spreading the word is also a given for all of these families. As I sat in shock that morning, the “Village” of my family sprang into action. Calls were made and plans established to ensure that we were taken care of that day and the days that followed. For the first few weeks my job was to just get through each day. There were people to take care of anything. I was overwhelmed with love and gratitude.

Since then I have often reflected on the amazing amount of love I felt during that time. People always tell me how strong I was but how can you not be strong when you have so much support? Since then I’ve watched other people go through similar experiences and they also had a lot of support. But I realize that there are tragedies every day and we never hear about the ones where there is no one around to help the family.

In April there was a shooting spree in Fresno and four people died. One of the victims had just started working for the same company as my brother and was killed on the job. My brother told me that his fellow employees did a lot of fundraising for their coworkers family. They also contacted the other families to offer help. Some of the other families indicated that no one else had reached out to them. So, having support is contingent on whether or not you were lucky enough to be born into a large family, marry into one, or both and whether or not you have a large social network. I thought about what those first few days and weeks would have been like if I were alone and I couldn’t even imagine it.

In November we relived our experience in the worst way when my best friend’s dad, Ron Stebles, was hit and killed. I felt so awful for the family but this time I at least had an idea of what to do. The first thing is food! The family is in shock and they need sustenance. I was staying with Cathy, who had been there for me but I knew I could call my family and before long Denise and Denny arrived with food and water. They were happy to help because they were also grateful for the support we received.

In May, I watched my friend, Sarah Beasley, go through the tragic loss of her son Aaron. I was able to respond in a way that I knew would have been helpful to me and an idea begin to form. I have all this gratitude and so do a lot of other people. Why don’t we pay it forward by being there for families who are not fortunate enough to have the support we have?

I am thrilled to be starting Village of Support to do this. Initially it is going to be a Facebook group of volunteers. As there is a need I will post it and whoever is available right then can offer to help. The list of ways we can help is just starting. Number one is food but there are also things like helping the family navigate through all of the business that needs to happen (funeral arrangements, etc). Maybe it will involve just sitting with someone or helping them with household chores. I suspect that we will come up with a long list of items as well as volunteers and/or experts with a specific skill. I’m going to need a lot of help because I’ve never done anything like this before. But, I have a Village and it grows every day! If you have ideas please keep them coming. If we can do even one small thing to make the process of losing a loved one easier to get through then we will have succeeded.

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Steam Donkeys

Yesterday marked 16 months without Patrick. I’ve been in a pretty good place emotionally but at the same time I still miss him. I love that I can hear his voice anytime I want on videos. I was watching more videos and wanted to share a few more that were meaningful. MTA is a standard Bluegrass song that he’s played for years. I love his corny joke at the beginning and I love his singing. I sang in choir for years so I can be a little critical and early on I didn’t exactly enjoy his voice (I know that’s awful to say). After years of practice he had a really nice voice. Abdul has a great voice too so he took the lead on a lot of songs but Patrick is singing this one. 🙂 MTA

I also realized that there was another song that really showed his improved banjo skills so I wanted to share that one too. This was always played right after Peace, Love and Understanding. I think you can tell how happy he was to play it too. Little Sister

I can’t remember if I’ve already shared this story, if so, I apologize. My sister and brother-in-law met Abdul at work and they became great friends with he and his wife, Shannon. Dawan and Abdul both have birthdays in February and in 2012 they had a combined party. Abdul’s son plays in a Bluegrass band called The Creak and they were going to be playing at the party. Dawan wanted Patrick to meet Abdul and Patrick was excited that he could bring his banjo for a jam session afterwards. The party was nice with great food and drinks and the band was really good. Afterward they all played for a long time. As we drove home Patrick told me, “I know this was Dawan and Abdul’s party, but I really feel like it was especially for me, I had so much fun.”

After that Patrick and Abdul regularly got together to jam, eventually calling themselves Grass Half Full. The following February we were talking and I mentioned that Dawan and Tom were in Hawaii. He said, “I KNOW! They took Abdul with them!” I laughed and said, “Well, it was for his birthday.” And he said, “I know, but it is OUR anniversary! That pretty much summed up how much he enjoyed Abdul’s friendship. They continued playing together and even had a gig or two.

Dina and Jeff arranged for them to play at the Central Sierra Historical Society and Museum. While they were there they were asked if they knew any songs about logging or the Shaver Lake area. Since there weren’t any songs Patrick sat down with Jeff and gathered some area history and then over the course of a few weeks in early 2013 he wrote 8 songs. They renamed themselves The Steam Donkey’s after the machine used in logging and one of the songs he had written. Patrick designed a t-shirt logo and had t-shirts made.

One evening they were practicing and I came across an email from Mike Kuhl, my cousin Keith’s best friend who we now consider family. Mike wanted to know if Patrick still went to monthly Bluegrass jam sessions. I told him that he mostly played with a friend and I was actually sitting on the couch listening to them. I asked why he was asking. He replied that he finally bought a stand up bass and wanted to play it. I told him he should come over right now. Then I told the guys and they said, ” We need a bass player, tell him he’s in the band!” He didn’t come that night but they eventually got together and the band became three.

They had a lot of fun for the next few years, mostly just jamming together but they played at least 5 times in Shaver and once in Clovis.

Abdul moved down south so they weren’t playing as often but had a concert scheduled for June of 2016. Like everyone else they were devastated when he died.

Abdul recorded a video for the memorial service that was included with the slide show I previously posted. Here is the link to the video of Abdul. Abdul’s Memorial video

He sent the link the Sunday after Patrick died. This happened to be the same day as the season premiere of Game of Thrones, a show that we had all watched together. We had all been at Dawan and Tom’s but the girls came home early to watch the premier. They were very happy that the character Jon Snow was brought back to Life by Melisandre, the Red Priestess. When I got home I sat on the couch with them to watch the video. It was very emotional since we could see how much Abdul was hurting. After it ended we all sat there crying. After a few minutes I was getting worried that they were still crying. Sierra looked up and said, “I just wish the Red Lady would bring Dad back too.” We all looked at each other and started laughing. It was the kind of thing their Dad would say. I knew we were gonna be alright.

Abdul got the tattoo below on his arm in memory of all the good times.

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I’m not really that strong

I guess it's painfully obvious that I am not always strong when I post at 4:00 AM. I've been due for a good cry for quite a while now. I've learned to stuff it in really well but eventually it will find it's way out.

The girls and I have had a wonderful summer and I knew I would feel a little empty when I came home from Hawaii. It's hard to be sad when you're in paradise, but I like living near my family so I knew I would have to go back home. To the life that I never asked for…

Don't get me wrong, I know that there are wonderful things about my life. I am surrounded by people who love me and I have awesome kids. But I don't have my soul mate. And I don't know if you ever get used to that.

I couldn't sleep tonight so I started watching Steam Donkey videos and that brought on the waterworks! It felt good to sob silently. Since Patrick died I've had more nights with a roommate than without. Sierra spent the first few weeks to a month with me and then Denise was with me off and on. Camille moved into my room in December while she was cleaning her room and that took eight months! They are all welcome any time but I think it is good to have some nights alone too. I need to allow myself to not be strong occasionally. I loved Patrick so much so I'm not sure why I think I could ever hold those feelings in.

I started with the Blackbird video because I will always think of that as a love letter from Patrick. There's a permanent link in my blog but here it is again. Blackbird

After a few individual videos I started watching videos of the band. I got to watch Patrick improve his banjo skills over 25 years. Admittedly I did not always enjoy listening! In fact I loved that our house had a sunroom with a door that could be closed to mute the sound but it still felt like he was close. Over the years his banjo playing got better and so did his voice. At the end I genuinely enjoyed watching him play. My second favorite video is a cover of Peace, Love and Understanding. I like this one because he talks at the beginning and he was a funny guy! But I also love the way he played it. For years he had one basic sound that seemed to work for most songs. But this song was different because he actually picked out the notes individually and I know it was hard for him to learn how to do this. I think meeting and playing with Abdul took him to this level and I will be forever grateful that he got to experience this! I know he had a blast being in the band and playing the banjo brought him great joy.

Peace, Love, and Understanding

The audio portion was used in the video at his memorial service and it was great. In fact the Blackbird video was in the video too. Memorial video

I share all of this because it helps me to get the feelings out. Losing him was hard but going forward without him is even harder. The only way I know how to do that is to just bury it all deep inside of me most of the time. I also realize that's not healthy so I do try to give myself a break once in a while and that's what tonight is. Maybe I will sleep now? Hopefully I will wake up refreshed and a little less sad. It has gotten easier with time. Please don't worry, I will get through this!

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Hiking

The week in Hawaii went by so quickly! We had a great time and I think Patrick would have approved.

Patrick was so full of life, and now that he is gone I feel like we should really LIVE for him! Yesterday we tried to go snorkeling at Hanauma Bay but got there too late and we weren't able to park.

We had planned to go to Diamondhead after Hanauma Bay so we just went there instead. It was exactly the kind of thing Patrick would have enjoyed. He loved to be outdoors! And although this was a pretty tame hike, he would have enjoyed the beautiful views. I couldn't help but reminisce about other hikes over the years.

While we were still in college, several of us decided to hike Half Dome. I was several years removed from being an athlete but how hard could it be? We stocked up on provisions like sodas, chips, and beer. There might have been some sandwiches and water but we mainly carried the worst possible things for a hike like that. Dan and Amy were with us and on the way up either the guys ditched us or we mutually agreed for them to go ahead. We were a little slow but I was determined to make it to the top. Did I mention that no one checked the weather forecast? 🤣🤣🤣 Years later Dina would marry Jeff Young and he would teach Patrick how to seriously hike. Back then, we were young and stupid!

As Amy and I reached the base of Half Dome the guys were coming down and thunder clouds were rolling in. We didn't get to go up. I was disappointed and exhausted from the climb. We started down and hey, someone forgot to tell me that my legs would hurt worse on the way down! Then it started raining and our path soon became a slippery river! Patrick stayed with me and protected me on the way down. I'm not going to lie, I clutched his hand and cried most of the way down! And yet he still stayed with me and loved me! ❤️❤️❤️

We always intended to hike more but we were at such different ability levels. And I was never fit enough to do the kind of hikes he loved. Jeff introduced Patrick and his brothers to real hiking. They all worried that someone would die but Jeff always got them back in one piece, even the time they sent the guy with the worst sense of direction to get water! My husband could get lost driving home!

Our last family hike was the Ontario Ridge trail in the summer of 2014 in Avila Beach. It was almost 3 miles and my Fitbit counted the equivalent of 77 flights of stairs. The way up was okay but there were a few times that Patrick steadied me or took my hand to pull me up. I had been working out and I was proud that I could do the hike. The view from the top was beautiful. The way down was steep and slippery. He patiently helped me down as the girls waited at the bottom. It was a fun day and I'm so grateful for that memory.

There are so many things that I would not have been able to do without Patrick by my side. He was my rock. He gave me such a good life and so many good memories! I still have times that I wonder how I can possibly go on. And there are other times that I am amazed at the gifts he has given me. I credit his love for the girls and I with giving me the strength to keep going. There are still times that I stumble but usually someone is there to help me up. And always there is his voice, telling me "you can do this!"

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FEELing

We went to Pearl Harbor yesterday. Dawan didn't go but texted me while we were gone. I told her it was hard because I just FEEL everything so much more now. My emotions are magnified at a place like Pearl Harbor. She knew exactly what I was talking about. We've talked a lot about how we are more empathetic now. I think the girls were affected too. They requested happy music when we got back in the car. Sierra said she had never felt so patriotic before. I'm glad that they got to experience it. As usual, I was thinking of the widows and families and how their futures were shattered. I know many of the men were really young but I'm sure that some had wives or girlfriends back home. I wonder how their lives turned out?

I still find it amazing that what I am going through is not unique. I hear new stories every day, yet before Patrick died, I was blissfully unaware of how fragile my perfect life was. If my writing has no other impact, I hope that I encourage you to embrace life, show your love, and don't wait for the "perfect time" to follow your dreams. Life is precious. Love is precious!

Today I am lying by the pool, enjoying a nice breeze and looking at the clouds for signs. If I see a particularly corny or obscene shape, I consider it a gift from my husband. ❤️ Mostly I'm just enjoying being here. I also FEEL other things more. I'm grateful that I have a good life and for the love that always surrounds me. I'm lonely, but it could be so much worse. I'm grateful to be in such a beautiful place and to have my girls with me. 😊

When vacation is over I'm probably going to be making a change. I'm not sure what yet but my next step will be volunteering or getting a job. One step at a time, my new life. For now I think I will just stare at the clouds and remember. 😊❤️❤️❤️

 

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Mixed emotions

In 1994 Patrick and I visited Dan and Amy on Oahu. We had a great visit with them and did all of the usual Oahu touristy things. Midweek we went to Maui and spent 2 or 3 nights. Maui was very beautiful and romantic, the perfect place to be with the person you love most in the world. We had such a great time! Sometimes I confuse this trip with my honeymoon, which was also an awesome trip! There's just something about tropical places that screams romance to me. So I love being here but I still feel a piece of me is missing.

This seems to be a recurring grief thing for me. Something good or fun happens and I enjoy it, but it also makes me sad. Luckily, I seem to have more happy than sad times so it's not unbearable. I am enjoying watching the girls experience everything. At the same time I can't help but imagine him here with us. The thing is, we would have never stayed somewhere like this. He would have complained about the price of beer and then conspired to find a way to beat the system. He was frugal and I think he planned to enjoy his hard work someday but that day never came. So here I sit, in paradise, spoiling myself. It's hard not to feel guilty about it…

I know, deep in my heart, that he would have nothing but good feelings and love about us having a good time. So I try to think about that but grief is just so complicated.

I was recently reading posts in a grief forum and another widow said that she buys herself gifts "from her husband" for anniversaries and other gift giving occasions. So I bought myself a few pieces of jewelry from a vendor and I'm going to think of them as gifts. He would roll his eyes but also give me a smile that would melt my heart.

So that's where I am today. Happy, enjoying myself, but also lonely and missing him. I'll try to keep focusing on the first two!

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Milestones

Monday marked the one year anniversary of my blog. I'm happy to celebrate something that has been so therapeutic for me! I enjoy writing the blog because it keeps Patrick's memory alive.

Bereaved people often comment that one of the hardest things they experience is never hearing their loved ones name. People are afraid to bring it up, don't know what to say or just don't think about it. Some of them comment that they have been told they should be "over it". I'm happy to say that no one has ever told me that but I did have a few times when I felt people weren't mentioning him to protect me. Thankfully most people know that his name can be mentioned in my presence.

The blog is also a way for me to see that I am doing better. I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was a year ago. That gives me hope that it will continue to get easier.

This week we went to orientation at UC Davis. Camille was a little nervous and, of course, I'm a little anxious about sending her off to college. But I am so excited for the opportunities she will have! I really enjoyed hearing about all of the programs they have and I can't wait to see all that she does!

Of course Patrick was on my mind the whole time. He would have been so proud and excited! We had a chance to meet some of the Biology professors and I just listened but I'm sure he would have asked a lot of scientific questions! Sierra was with me in the family sessions which was nice. There were some individual parents but plenty of couples and I think it would have been hard to be alone.

On the way there I couldn't help but remember all of my drives to Stockton and how excited I always was to see Patrick. This is going to sound odd but part of me wanted to go to UOP and look for him. I think it's just my mind's way of showing disbelief that he is gone. We took I-5 so we could see the tower in the distance. I thought about taking the girls there but that's not what our trip was about and I wasn't sure if I could handle it.

Instead I just smiled at the memories and enjoyed the time with the girls. I know he was there in spirit, beaming with pride!

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Everything has changed

I was driving today and it occurred to me that every single thing I was wearing has been purchased after Patrick died. This included the watch, the ring on my right hand, and even my purse and phone. Even the car I was driving was purchased "after". Such an odd feeling. I know I look at least a little different too but he would still recognize me. Still, it takes a long time for things to change this much.

In the last week or so I finally got around to taking his name off joint credit accounts. Honestly it wasn't a huge priority for me. I didn't realize that he was the primary cardholder on some of them. A day or two later an Amazon order didn't go through. After finally calling the company I realized that removing his name actually closed the account. I only had a small balance because I use it to get reward points and pay it off each month. I had to listen to a long disclosure explaining how I wasn't responsible for the charges. I finally interrupted to tell them that I just wanted to pay it off and reapply in my name. I guess I have been committing fraud all this time.

I'm still learning new things about being a widow. I probably should have changed everything over a long time ago but I basically did the necessities and then have dealt with others when ready. I am actually lucky in this respect as some widows don't have the luxury of letting things sit like that. For many widows, losing their husband has a terrible financial impact. Those whose spouse had long illnesses have used up any savings to pay for medical bills and loss of income. Many couldn't afford life insurance. I am grateful that Patrick could and it has at least made things a little easier. When the accounts were closed I realized what a bind that could potentially put a widow or widower in if they suddenly lost access to credit accounts.

I decided it would be a good idea to run a free credit report on him. And I COULD NOT remember his social security number! I couldn't believe it! I've had that number memorized for years!! I know it was just a momentary lapse but it was another reminder of how much has changed. Luckily there were no red flags in the credit report.

I'm sure there will continue to be changes but hopefully they can continue to happen gradually. Change can be good but it's also comforting to hold on to some of the familiar.

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What would Patrick do?

I’m sure I’ve mentioned how much we enjoy imagining how Patrick would react in different situations. He had such a crazy sense of humor and we all knew him so well that it’s not hard to predict how he would react to particular situations. I used to be embarrassed or horrified at his reactions but now I just miss the constant entertainment. Predicting his reaction is my way of keeping his memory alive. The bonus is that it is easier and less painful to smile and laugh than to cry. 

Last summer my sister Dawan suggested we join her family in Catalina for their annual vacation with her husband’s family. It was the kind of distraction we needed last summer and we had a great time. 

We went in the midst of the Pokémon Go craze and we spent a lot of time chasing Pokémon. It helped us work off all of the yummy dinners and snacks. If you’re not familiar with the game, it involves using your smart phone and walking around to find virtual characters and then catch them. I realize that a lot of people thought it was a ridiculous way to spend time, especially for a middle-aged mom like me! I didn’t care because it made me smile!

At some point it occurred to me that Patrick never knew about this game and I mentioned to the girls that he would have had a field day with it. First we would have had a long discussion to explain the game to him. It would be a serious discussion but he would be mocking us the whole time. When he “understood” the game he would probably then suggest that he play it with us. We would remind him for the thousandth time that he did not have a smart phone. He would reply that he had three and then try to get one of us to give him one of those three phones. And there would be no way any of us would let him touch our phones because who knew what he might do with them?!

When he figured out that we weren’t going to give in, he would announce that he could play on his flip phone. Then he would proceed to play an exaggerated version of the game. His version might involve climbing a tree, hopping up and down or using stealth moves. And I’m sure that his version would have special Pokémon that only he could catch. They would have names like alutnarat, booger, and diputs. Or maybe they would be called nystagmus or syncope (two names he actually proposed as baby names). We all had a good laugh imagining his reaction and it made playing the game even more fun!

We just got back from our second trip to Catalina with the Utecht’s and Brandlin’s. This time we added a few teNyenhuis kids to our entourage. Sierra has a “twin” cousin, Dominic. They were born on the same day in the same hospital and Monday was their twenty-first birthday and Catalina was the perfect place to celebrate! We had a great time!


This year was easier than last year. I didn’t seem to notice every single happy couple and I didn’t cry at all. I’m not going to say that I didn’t miss him. I miss him every day and especially when I’m having a great time because he should be there too, right? It’s just a little easier to bear now.

I saw the No Turkeys Allowed sign in Catalina. I think I remember seeing it last year too but it didn’t catch my attention. I happened to be walking by it alone and there were people sitting in the yard it was in. I was almost overcome by a sudden urge to ask them why I couldn’t bring my turkey there. Then I thought of Patrick and I knew he absolutely would have said something. He would have started a crazy rant about discriminating against turkeys. The people would have thought he was crazy. I would have needed to drag him away in embarrassment. I never thought I would miss that but I would give anything for him to annoy me now! He was crazy and unforgettable and that makes it easy for me to imagine him in situations that never happened. He still makes me laugh and laughter is good. ❤️❤️❤️