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If I’m being honest…

Since Patrick died I have frequently been told how strong I am. I was always puzzled by this because I’ve never felt particularly strong. Recently I’ve been looking at it from a different angle and I think that I haven’t been completely honest.

I have always had a need for people around me to be happy and free from conflicts. Family tensions upset me so I’ve always been the peacemaker when needed. Grief is uncomfortable and awkward. I don’t like making people uncomfortable or sad. So I’ve probably suppressed some of my feelings. I’m not saying that I have all these feelings stuck inside, I do allow them to come out occasionally. But it is on my terms and usually when I’m alone.

I don’t know if the way I handle grief is good, bad, or normal. It’s just what I do and what has worked for me. Lately I’ve been trying to figure out why it works because there seem to be a lot of people who haven’t found a good way of dealing with their grief. I’m not saying that is bad. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I just don’t like people to be sad and I always want to cheer them up.

This is particularly noticeable in a Facebook group I belong to. People are at all different stages of grief and sometimes they are very fragile. I kind of tend to visit the group, not so much for comfort, but to provide hope that it does get a little easier. There are other people who play this role too. We try to get people to focus on the little things that make them happy and encourage them to look for joy.

If you want to sit home and cry I can’t stop you and I won’t judge you. I’ve been there. If you feel grief or sadness begin to consume you, do something about it. Do something you enjoy. Go for a walk. Read a book. Call a friend. Do something for someone else. You are always going to miss your loved one. I like to think that they don’t want our lives to end with theirs. Try to find joy and happiness. If you always try, eventually it will just find you.

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Alone in a crowd

The hardest things to write are also the easiest. There are many times when I have things to say that I’m afraid to say. So I agonize over them and try to find a way to find something to write that will be “okay”. You see, I don’t want anyone to worry about me. And I don’t want anyone to feel like they need to fix me or take care of me. So, I try to think of an acceptable topic. Or I write something that I have no intention of posting. Occasionally I just decide to go for it and write what I’m really feeling. That’s when it becomes easy because I have no trouble expressing myself when I’m being honest.

I am really lonely. I’m not alone at all. I spend a lot of time with my kids. I spent a ton of time with family today and I had a great time. I just miss having someone to share my heart with. For some reason I don’t think everyone gets this? Maybe what I had with Patrick was unique but I really don’t think so. I just had this subconscious feeling of love and security. Certainly a lot of that had to do with Patrick but some of it just comes from being in a committed relationship. I guess that I’ve had that for so long that it’s hard to function without it.

I don’t want to jump into a relationship because I’m “lonely” or I “need” someone. But it sure is hard to wait! When I first started dating I thought being a widow would almost be an asset. I know that sounds awful but I am someone who knows how to stay in a long-term, committed relationship. A lot of the people who are dating at my age have been in multiple relationships. I’m not saying that I’m better than them but I didn’t realize that it might be a barrier. Apparently it’s very intimidating.

I grew up believing in fairy tale love stories. I’m a romantic at heart. I’ve spent a lot of time this month watching the sappy Christmas love stories on the Hallmark channel. I’ve always believed in “true love” and “soul mates”. Honestly, prior to now, I might have questioned someone in my situation who could seemingly forget about their true love and move on to someone else. I’m here to tell you that it’s not that simple. Yes, I believe that Patrick is in heaven and yes, I believe we will be reunited someday. And if I find someone else I truly believe Patrick will be happy for me. I think that in heaven there is no jealousy and it’s possible to be reunited with more than one true love. And it won’t be awkward because they don’t have that there either!

I know this sounds really corny but I feel strongly that I’m not meant to be alone. I’m not going to be burdened with guilt if I find someone else. If you had asked me this before Patrick died or even right after I’m sure I would have said I could never love anyone else. I really believed that because it fit right in with the whole fairy tale concept of love. Life is not a fairy tale though. Marriages either end in divorce or death. If you think about it, there was never going to be a happy ending. What a downer, right? Most people are going to face something like this one day. You can choose to go with the sad ending or you can make it a part two, a new chapter.

That’s where I’m at right now. I know I will have a part two and I don’t think it will be a solo act. I just need to keep working on patience…

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Christmas Morning

My family has a tradition of spending the night at my sister’s house every other Christmas Eve. Last year I was grateful that our first Christmas without Patrick coincided with that tradition. This year was our first Christmas morning without Patrick. I tried not to make a fuss because I didn’t want everyone hovering or checking on us. I knew we would be okay.

This Christmas was filled with old traditions and new. Since shopping was a little more challenging due to my broken ankle, I put the girls in charge of buying stocking stuffers for each other and they also bought some for me. I wasn’t surprised when I found out that Sierra actually did all of the shopping! We opened presents then had our usual cinnamon rolls. Later we went to Notre Dame hall for the annual Prandini Christmas get together. As usual, the raviolis were delicious!

Last year it was really hard being there without him but it was easier this year. Matt had Patrick’s bus running and brought it for everyone to see. The girls and I sat in it for a few minutes and then Zio Matt let Camille drive it. Her Dad would have been really happy about that. It was a good day.

I’m keeping this short since it’s late but I wanted to let everyone know that we had a good day. We thought of Patrick and smiled. He’s always in our hearts!

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Aftershock

Last night I was working on adding old blog entries and for some reason I didn’t finish the one I was working on, “Facade”, so I added it tonight. The next one is the post about the arrest and I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to move that one over. That part has been buried in my memory and I didn’t see any need to dredge it up. Camille got home last night and I was happy to have both my girls home.

Today we went to see the new Star Wars movie. On the way there I got a phone call from a number that I didn’t recognize but looked familiar. I answered and it was the Assistant DA who handled the case. He wanted to update me. Mr. Stubbs, the man who hit and killed Patrick, has been in a residential program. He has a hearing coming up. He has fully complied with the program and his drug tests have all been negative. More than likely he will be released next week and will be home to spend Christmas with his family.

As a future Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor I am hopeful that treatment works. As a human being I am happy that his children might see their father for Christmas. As a Mom…and a widow…. my heart breaks.

Here’s the thing, nothing is going to bring Patrick back. And I have said all along that the only amends Mr. Stubbs could make would be to be a better person. Locking him up would not have changed anything.

As my whole world has changed, and I have been continuing my education, I’m a different person. I believe there needs to be law and order in society. I believe that Mr. Stubbs made poor choices in his life that led to my husband’s death. But I don’t believe he is a murderer. And I do believe that our society has a serious problem with drug and alcohol addiction. And punishment does not cure addiction.

I have so many conflicting emotions right now. I would love more than anything to just wipe this whole part from my memory. My brother told me today that I was stronger than him and I’m not sure that is true. I just file away all those feelings that I don’t want to deal with. I function pretty well. And I am truly happy most of the time. But you can’t avoid the aftershocks.

I’m allowing myself a few tears tonight. I don’t think I will go to the hearing. My presence will not change anything. I’ve already said what I needed to say. I’m going to focus on my girls, Christmas, and moving forward with my life. I truly hope he has learned something from this and will dedicate his life to doing something positive. But I’m going to follow the advice my brother gave me today, “I wouldn’t give him any more free rent in your head. He’s either going to change or go to jail, we can’t choose.”

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Let There Be Joy

And the birthday celebration continues! I just got back from an awesome trip to Disneyland with my best friend Shelly, her daughter Abby, and Sierra. I know, Cathy is my best friend. Fortunately I have enough love for two best friends!

I don’t see Shelly as often now but we worked together at Aetna for 24 years. I was sitting next to Dave when he proposed to Shelly. I rode the party bus to Vegas for their wedding, we both had daughters in 1999 and she suggested the name Camille for my daughter. We’ve had a lot of fun together over the years!

She was also here to support me the day Patrick died. In fact, when she arrived it lightened the mood when I introduced her to someone as my best friend and then looked up to see Cathy looking right at me. It’s been an ongoing joke since then. For the record, Shelly has several other best friends too!

Shelly’s birthday is one week after mine so my original plan was to celebrate my birthday at Disneyland with her. Then I planned my party and I just decided I could have more than one celebration. I usually don’t make a big deal out of it but I have to admit it’s been fun!

When I broke my ankle it almost derailed the trip but I ended up renting a scooter and we went anyway. Shelly brought decorations for my scooter and Abby made sure we both had Happy Birthday buttons. So we spent several days being greeted with “Happy Birthday!!” We also got two special desserts! Zoom in to see the Christmas lights and sign on my scooter!

Shelly and Abby are what I would call Disney Superfans! They knew the best way to go through each park and were a lot of fun! The scooter was a bit of a hassle but I would have been miserable any other way.

I can’t get over the contrast between holidays last year and this year. I know that grief is different for everyone, but for me, time has helped. I still miss Patrick and think of him every day but I also give myself permission to feel joy. And, aside from the pain of a broken ankle, this has been a pretty joyous few weeks for me. Last year I felt like I was constantly holding in the tears and I don’t feel that way anymore.

Sometimes I will suddenly remember something and it will be a little jolt. I’ll be honest, when that happens it would be really easy to just curl up in a ball and cry. I know that no one would fault me. I didn’t choose for this to happen but I can choose how I go forward and I choose as much love, laughter, and joy as I can find. I will still allow myself occasional tears or pity parties but I don’t want to live like that all of the time.

The holidays are a great time of year so let there be joy! I think we could all use some!

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Impatience

Dating sucks! It sucks because I can’t write about it! It sucks because I feel like I don’t know how to do it! But mainly it sucks because I shouldn’t have any reason to be dating! I did the dating thing. I chose well. I shouldn’t be alone.

I guess I’m having a pity party. And honestly I don’t really even have a reason to. I didn’t really have a bad experience or anything. I just feel like a teenager and it seems like this should be easier at age 50. I hate it so much that maybe I should just be single.

My word of 2017 is patience and I’m beginning to think I’m going to have to carry it in to 2018. Is that allowed? I wanted to find Mr. Right without having to play the ridiculous dating games. I don’t want to kiss a lot of frogs! I’m impatient!

At work we had to create a development plan every year. I never liked spending a lot of time on it because after a while my true goal was to have a dream job fall into my lap or to become independently wealthy and never have to work again. Who cares about developing at a job that you don’t want to be at anymore? So a lot of times I would carry goals forward. I always put time management on there because no matter who you are, there are always better ways to manage your time. So maybe I will have to carry patience into 2018 because I definitely haven’t learned it.

People who are dating at my age have more than likely spent some time being single. They may not want to be alone but a lot of them seem pretty set in their routine. And more than once i have wondered why some of them are even dating when they have difficulty finding time to actually spend with you. Maybe they are out dating other people?

When Patrick and I were dating we were always trying to find ways to spend time together. Most of the time we were in different cities. There were no cell phones, no email. It was snail mail or long distance phone calls. We did both. Maybe it is actually SO easy to stay in touch now that we take it for granted. And not just in dating. I know there are people I should reach out to more often. But reaching out takes no effort at all and I always plan to “do it tomorrow”. And then tomorrow I plan to do it the next day… Sometimes I send a text when I know a call would mean more. My point is that it is so easy to just assume someone will be there whenever you decide to contact them.

I don’t plan to be single forever. And I hate writing that because I truly am not advertising for a date! But I have to let some of my frustration out and this is how I do it. I guess I just thought the whole process would be easier.

I think I am just going stir crazy since I have somewhat limited mobility and I can’t drive. The good news is that I am getting out of the house for a few days and going to the happiest place on earth, where I will ride an electric scooter around, enjoy time with my daughter and friends and forget about the dating games! I will try to learn some patience but I hear the scooter will let me cut to the front of at least some of the rides, so yeah, instant gratification.

Ok, this pity party is over. Disneyland, here we come!

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Cheers to 50 years!

I almost made it to age 50 without ever breaking a bone. When I think about it, that’s actually kind of a miracle because I’m really a klutz! At least I made it through my party before it happened!

I’m turning 50 on December 1st. I guess I like birthdays alright but I never really felt like I “had” to have a party. This is a milestone though and I wanted to think of a way to commemorate it. So I decided I wanted to spend it at Disneyland. I love Disneyland and Patrick really didn’t like it as much as I did. So I planned for Sierra and I to go with my friend Shelly and her daughter Abby. I made reservations and we were all set!

Then Sierra reminded me that she is taking the LSAT on December 2nd! So, going to Disneyland right before that? Probably not a good idea. So we had to move it back a week.

In the meantime we went to a Halloween party thrown by Pamela Henri. I get massages at her house and she has this awesome barn with a stage and all. An 80’s cover band played at the party and as I danced I decided that this was how I wanted to spend my birthday. I knew it was a little extravagant but I also knew it would be a blast. So I planned a 50th Birthday Bash!

Everyone felt bad that I was planning my own party but I enjoyed doing it. And honestly, everyone else did most of the work on the day of the party. We had Luna’s Italian food, an awesome dessert bar and plenty of beer and wine. I got semi dressed up and felt stylish in my high heels, which I don’t wear very often!

I danced the night away! And although I danced a little enthusiastically and might have taken my daughters down in a collision with the stage (and Pamela, who was singing), no one was injured! At the end of the night I was driven home and walked upstairs to take off my heels and put my not-so-stylish Croc slippers on. On the way back down my foot slipped and pain shot through my ankle. I was fairly drunk at the time so the fact that I felt any pain made me realize it was not good.

I put ice on it and wrapped it but didn’t get much sleep. I went to urgent care today and an X-ray confirmed that I had a fracture.

And of course I miss my physical therapist! Cathy took me to urgent care and picked up crutches for me afterward. She helped me get settled at home and Sierra will help me too. But it’s not the same. There’s no one else that I would ask to pull me up off the toilet or really any of the undignified things about being injured. I know he would have made jokes about it all but that’s part of the reason this makes me miss him! We got through many situations with humor!

I’m told that a break is an easier recuperation than a bad sprain so hopefully it won’t be too bad. And it’s not like there is any shortage of PTs among family and good friends, but I miss MY PT.

I am glad that it happened after the party. I had so much fun celebrating with family and friends! It made me so happy to be around so many people I love for a happy occasion! I have a lot to be thankful for! I’ll try to focus on that instead of my foot! Lol

PS. Here are a few toasts from the party!

Sierra’s Toast

Dawan, Denise, & Dad

Cathy’s Toast

Mom teNyenhuis

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God knew we needed to be friends

Some friends are just meant to be in your life. Cathy (Stebles) Lamb has been my friend since 5th grade. We have had some really good times together. And in the last 19 months we have had some really bad times.

We met at Dry Creek Elementary in 1977. She had been there since kindergarten and I ended up there in fifth grade after a large boundary transfer. We met doing track and cross country there but really didn’t become good friends until Junior High. At Clark Intermediate, we met up with Latrese Johnson and Teresa Guajardo and we were close through high school. They were all better runners than me but I guess I kept up enough to get to know them all well as we logged hundreds of miles over the years.

Below – We met in 1977 and here we are in our track picture, side by side!

And here we are in 7th grade, 1979.

Below – Cathy leading the pack at Clovis High while I brought up the rear!

At Clovis High School our arrival began 4 years of Valley Championships. Cathy was one of the better runners on the team and I was usually there as the 6th or 7th runner, ready to step up if someone else had a bad day. Being on the team allowed us to spend a lot of time together and we had fun traveling to different meets. During high school Cathy and I dated two separate pairs of best friends, neither of which turned out to be our future husbands, lol.

Below- Various team pictures, always next to each other!

In college we lost touch somewhat initially but ended up living together for two years. She was by far the easiest roommate I had, which was a relief since I didn’t want rooming together to mess with our friendship. After that I moved out of town for three years while I started my short-lived teaching career. When I came back we stayed in touch fairly well until we both became moms within a few months of each other. She had Michael the month before Sierra was born. Matthew was born in between Sierra and Camille.

With Michael and Sierra

With Michael and Sierra

Above – Latrese, Cathy, and I, singing karaoke at our 15 year reunion.

As the kids grew up we both got busy with their activities. Since she had boys and I had girls our lives kind of went separate directions but we still kept in touch over the years. Four or five years ago, Mike told Cathy that we should really reconnect. He knew we were good friends and I think he must also have really good intuition, we needed to rekindle our close friendship.

Over the years Cathy had remained active and stayed in great shape. I had not. I wanted to lose weight and she committed to helping me. We began walking just about every night. Friends or not, that is a lot of time to give up! And, a lot of times she was running in the morning and walking with me in the evening!Over the next year or so I walked off 45 pounds and Cathy and I became really close again. The long walks gave us time to talk and we usually vented about our days or helped each other work through problems. I finally got to know her boys a little better and my girls started fighting over who loved Cathy more!

Below – A trip to the coast and a walk on the beach in May 2014.

Below – In 2015 at my nephew Dominic’s graduation.

On April 19, 2016 Cathy and I met at Mickey’s yogurt to enjoy some oatmeal cookie gelato (our favorite). We had no idea that our lives were about to change forever.

The next day, Cathy was one of the first people I texted. When my text appeared incoherent she called me and then left work and came straight to my house. For the first few weeks she was either asleep or at my house. She was mourning too but she was my constant companion, helping me in any way that she could. I honestly struggle to put into words exactly how good of a friend she is, but especially during my darkest days. She was my rock.

In the fall, she was with me and the rest of the family as we began going to court and sitting through that whole experience. On November 18th I had a clumsy fall and she went with me to urgent care the next day to make sure nothing was broken. Early that evening she called and said, “Denise just called and said I need to go to my parents house”. Initially I was confused because we both have sisters named Denise and my Denise regularly calls Cathy. I finally understood that the Highway Patrol had contacted her brother-in-law, a CHP officer, and told them that they needed to go to her parents house. She said she would call once she got there. I waited about 5 minutes and then decided I better head there too. She called when I was half way there, her voice broke as she said, “It’s not ok”. I told her I was almost there and she warned me that I would need to get past police cars. I had no idea what was going on. My heart was racing as I explained that I needed to be with my friend. Luckily they didn’t try to stop me. I saw her Mom through the window when I walked up to the door so I knew she was ok and it was clear that something had happened to her Dad, Ron. He was simply getting the mail and was hit by a speeding car while walking back across the street. Like Patrick, he died instantly.

The last 19 months have been rough. It was a cruel twist of fate that we both had to experience such sudden, tragic losses. But I think it was divine intervention that brought us together forty years ago. God knew we would need each other, and especially in 2016. I’m hoping there are no additional cruel surprises for us and I am forever thankful for my best friend. ❤️❤️❤️

Below – At the Cher concert in February 2017.

Above – At Camille’s graduation, May 2017.

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Floorball

Yesterday I was on Facebook and noticed the Fresno Floorball Club’s post about their league championship game last night. I saw that Hand of Doom was in the championship and I was pretty sure my nephew, Connor, played on that team. I texted him to confirm and while I was waiting I looked through photos.

Patrick started playing floorball many years ago, probably 10 or more. He usually played every Tuesday. He would come home sore and tired and tell me how awful he was. He did seem to enjoy it. I went and watched him a handful of times and then I just didn’t. It’s one of those things I wish I had done more.

After Patrick died I found a post on the floorball page talking about losing him and it was very touching. I also heard from multiple sources that he was a great teammate and they loved playing with him. In typical Patrick style, he had downplayed his value to the team.

As I was looking through the photos I came across the group shot from his Team championship. I noticed that it was posted on April 15th and I realized that it could very well be that last photo that was ever taken while he was alive. (I suspect there might be other last photos and hopefully I will never have to see them). I walked in to show Sierra and her eyes teared up. I had thought all along that the concert photos were the last pictures.

As I thought about it more I remembered that his birthday was on a Wednesday, which meant that the 15th would have fallen on a Friday. Floorball games were on Tuesdays. I searched more and finally determined that the picture was taken on the 12th and was not the last picture. Then I felt bad for making Sierra cry. I realized that it might have been more upsetting because I thought the last picture was of him and the girls. I mentioned this to her and she said, “No mom, the last picture is him standing there copying the Paul McCartney poster.” I remembered the photo and I’ve posted it on here before. Here it is again. I think if he had to choose a last photo, this might have been the one. 😂😂

I did end up going to the championship game. Patrick’s Team, Physiomotion, was playing for 3rd place when I arrived. I watched the end of their game and then said hello to a few of the guys. I didn’t know them that well but I was happy to meet them. Unfortunately Hand of Doom lost the championship but I was still glad I went. It’s always good to visit places where he spent time.

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I love my 80’s music!

I wrote the post about the happy Timehop memory and literally the next three days of Facebook memories were all about the arrest and arraignment. Maybe that memory was there to prepare me for the not so nice ones?

That’s what always happens. I’m going along thinking how good I’m doing and then all of the sudden I’m brought back to reality. Last night I went to a Halloween party with an 80’s cover band. This particular party has been thrown for years and I got the feeling that most of the crowd knew each other. The hostess is the lead singer in a band and I imagine the crowd was probably people who regularly went up her shows over the years. Being there reminded me of the days we used to go and listen to live bands. Particularly the Sleestacks, which was the band that included Patrick’s friend Joe Reinartz, his cousin Damian Prandini, and friends Mike Niehoff and Ron (Doc) Morse. I had a blast being a groupie and was sad when the group broke up!  Joe was in other bands over the years and they were all good but we had the most fun with the Sleestacks. 

So I was already feeling a bit melancholy and then “I’ll Melt With You” came on. This wasn’t a meaningful song for us but it just made me think of that time and miss Patrick a little more. When the lead singer announced that the next song was by The Cure I just knew what song it would be and sure enough, it was “Just Like Heaven”, OUR song. I cursed to myself and then looked up and there was Sierra, smiling and motioning for me to come dance. Of course, she knew.

The rest of the night I had a pretty good time and wasn’t sad. My friend Linda was also there and we enjoyed dancing to all the old 80’s songs! A year ago it would have been more sadness and less good time so there has definitely been progress. But I won’t pretend that I don’t still have moments when I get overwhelmed by memories. 

Having Sierra home is definitely helpful. Although we have discovered that we occasionally get annoyed with each other. The other day she was feeling sick and made a comment about how it was making her grumpy. I said something like, “Oh, that’s a temporary thing?” She immediately gave me a dirty look but then started laughing. It was exactly the kind of thing her Dad would have said so I reached up toward heaven for a high five. Sarcasm and laughter are important in this house and I’m determined to carry that forward!