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My Life After Patrick

Chapters 1-5

Picture of Patrick at the beach. Courtesy of the author

I am working on finalizing my manuscript. I thought it would be good to post the early chapters as I go along. This will be edited later but I don’t have a copy editor so I welcome any and all feedback! With the exception of quotes and excerpts from text messages, all writing is my own.

There’s always awkwardness when people find out I was widowed. I never like making people uncomfortable, so I usually rush through the explanation and wrap it up neatly. I’m doing good now. I’m remarried. I’m happy. Seven years later, a degree and license in counseling, and I am still following societal norms. Let’s pretend that grief doesn’t exist.

This was not the first death in my life. I’ve lost all of my grandparents, my Aunt Terry, my Uncle Joe, and my nephew Max who only lived for a few minutes. On Patrick’s side, we lost Zia Sue, Nona, Opa and Elsie, Danielle, Ryan, Zia Jan, Zia Glenda, Tony, Barbara, and Zio Angelo. Some of these were sudden and tragic, and they all affected me profoundly. So I thought I understood grief pretty well… until I lost Patrick.

I feel it’s important to acknowledge the depths of grief and the path through them. This is something that I have consistently downplayed because heaven forbid anyone should think I’m not okay. I’m tough. Don’t worry about me.

The truth is, I am human, and I have no clue how I survived the loss of my husband, Patrick. But I did. If you are experiencing the death of a loved one, I hope my story shows you that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel and a new path for you. 

I want to share my experience so far in the hopes that it might help people when they interact with someone who has experienced loss.

What I have learned is that there is no right or wrong way to deal with this. I have also learned that the majority of people do not have any idea what to do or say when something like this happens. So here are my thoughts:

Patrick is gone. I know this. Sometimes my brain tries to play tricks on me, but I know he is not coming back. We were together for 30 years, so he is on my mind every day. I will not be upset if you mention him. In fact, it’s really awkward and almost painful when you don’t mention him. So please keep him alive in our conversations.

I realize that I am not the only person grieving. I want everyone to know that it is okay to share your grief with me. You are not going to upset me. This may not be true for every person who experiences this kind of loss, but it is true for me.

If I shared all of my grief with you, it might scare you. I think grief is intensely personal, but it is also necessary. Some of my “best” days have been the days when I sobbed uncontrollably or even screamed. I have found that it is nice to drive alone and just sob or scream! You have to make sure there are no other cars nearby so they won’t think you are in danger, but I highly recommend it! I feel this is healthy, so please don’t freak out when I’m upset. The only way forward is through the grief, so every time I am really sad, I am taking a small step forward.

This is not an easy process. Since I feel my grief is personal, I tend to share my happier thoughts. That does not mean this is not a struggle. I have met many new people as a result of Patrick’s death. Some of them are also sadly members of this widows club that no one wants to join, so this is kind of a message to them. This is how I am getting through this, but there’s no “right” way. If someone needs to share their pain, that is fine too. On the inside, we are all aching.

Grief is like a chameleon. Sometimes it blends into the background, and you never quite expect to see it. Other times it pops into view when you least expect it. Don’t be surprised if I burst into tears for no apparent reason. And if I’m happy, it doesn’t mean I have forgotten. I’m just trying to get through. And I feel this is exactly what he would want me to do.

 

Prelude

Imagine that you are taking a walk. The weather is mostly perfect, and the scenery is beautiful. As you walk, you are holding the hand of the person you most want to walk this path with. Occasionally there is a hill, and sometimes you stumble, but your partner is always right there to help you. You carry many memories with you, and in the distance, you can see many places that you want to go, and you anticipate these experiences with excitement. You have the path memorized, and you know exactly how to get where you want to go.

Suddenly there is an earthquake worse than you ever imagined. A huge chasm opens up in the path in front of you. You feel your partner slipping, and suddenly they have disappeared. The destruction is so great that you can no longer see your future path. The experiences you had dreamed of are no longer possible.

At first, you feel like jumping into the chasm and looking for your lost dreams. You don’t really see any other option. Moving forward alone is unthinkable. Suddenly you see that there is another path leading away from the chasm.

This path has not been used as often, and it is not as easy to navigate. Sometimes you need help clearing the way. Parts of the path seem dangerous and frightening, and the chasm always seems to be nearby.

As you make your way, you start to notice that there are some interesting things ahead. There are other people traveling the path, and you begin to enjoy their company. They help to clear the path and point out destinations that you didn’t realize were there. This is a much different path than you had planned. You haven’t forgotten about your missing partner or the plans you had with them, but you realize that they would be happy that you found this new path and would want you to continue on. 

I wrote this on the one-year anniversary of my husband Patrick’s death. I am now on a completely different path that I did not choose, but it is not as awful and scary as I thought it would be. There have been new dreams and hopes for the future. I feel that Patrick walks this path with me and helps steer me in the right direction. He can no longer hold my hand, but he still keeps me from falling.

Part One – The Worst Day of My Life

Chapter 1 – A Quiet House

April 20, 2016, started differently. I woke up around 6:45 AM to a silent house. My husband, Patrick, ran or rode his bicycle every morning before work. Patrick was very dedicated to staying physically fit. He would be the first to tell you that he didn’t particularly love working out but did it anyway. When he graduated from PT School, he gave a graduation speech, and it was about the importance of staying physically fit. I am hoping that someday I will find a copy of that speech!  

He did some type of workout almost every day of the week and frequently did more than one. Each weekday morning, he would either run, lift weights in the garage, or ride his bike out Shaw Avenue to Quail Lakes, do a lap or two, and then return home. I am not much of a morning person, so it was not uncommon for me to sleep through his entire workout. He would usually wake up at 5:30 AM and finish by 6:45 AM.  He left while I was still sleeping. I would occasionally wake up briefly, but sometimes I slept through it entirely. I thought it was odd that he wasn’t home, but I had a conference call at 7:00 and needed to prepare for it.

I was a Plan Sponsor Liaison at Aetna. I worked with our sales and marketing team and multiple National Account customers. I had worked at Aetna for over 21 years, the last year or so from home, and I loved being able to work at home. I quickly changed into my day pajamas;  Capri-length black sweatpants with a stripe down the side, a sports bra, and a t-shirt. I ran into the loft, turned my computer on, and then asked my 17-year-old Daughter, Camille, to check the garage to see if her dad’s bike was there. And then I dialed into my call.

Camille went downstairs and returned a few minutes later to tell me the bike was gone. Ugh. He was very proud of his old, beat-up bike. I don’t remember when he bought it, but it could have been in the mid to late ’90s. I was sure I would have to get off my call and rescue him from a flat tire. My customer would probably be okay with my absence, but I worried the sales team would be annoyed. I could ask Camille, but she needed to get to school.

I waited until 7:10 and then sent an IM to my account manager to tell her I had a family emergency and needed to step away. I got in my car, which luckily already had the bike rack, and headed out to his usual route. I imagined him walking along the side of the road. He probably didn’t have his phone. He was invincible. Why would he need a phone or any identification?

Chapter 2 – Patrick

Patrick was 49 and one week. We celebrated his birthday exactly one week before at the Paul McCartney concert. I had surprised him with tickets and then decided the girls should go too and bought two additional seats in another part of the arena. We had a fabulous time, and I was thrilled I had splurged on the tickets!

Patrick was a physical therapist and was very dedicated to staying physically fit.  He was also frugal and stubborn. His bike was ancient, and he considered himself an anti-cyclist, refusing to wear the usual cycling gear. I had a road bike and frequently extolled the virtues of cycling and the benefits of getting a fancier bike, but he wouldn’t have it. He made fun of the cycling kits the serious cyclists wore and prided himself on wearing the most beat-up clothes he owned when riding. He had a cyclist’s body, and I liked to imagine how great he would look in cycling shorts with a tight jersey, but he refused.

On one of the few occasions when he did a ride with me and some of my cyclist friends, I could only imagine what they thought when he pulled up on that beater bike. But he could keep up with them and climb a hill as if on a lightweight road cycle. He did carry a saddle bag with tools and was usually able to repair a flat, but who knew what kind of mechanical trouble the bike might have? 

Chapter 3 – The search

I knew the main route Patrick would have taken. He might have taken a couple of ways to get to the main road, Shaw Avenue, so I guessed and chose Locan Avenue. I didn’t see him there, or when I got to Shaw, so I headed east and scanned the side of the road for a man walking a bike. A fire truck passed me, going in the opposite direction with its lights off. I wasn’t anxious at this point, and I felt the truck would not be driving away if there was an emergency.

We live in Clovis, CA, a constantly growing suburb of Fresno, CA. New housing developments are always popping up, and one or two roads are closed on any given day. I saw the usual flashing signs ahead and assumed the road had been closed due to the new development on the street’s south side. But a small truck was parked there, and someone was beside it. I should investigate.

I pulled over, got out, and walked over to the person, who was a Community Service Officer. I asked her what had happened, and she said there was an accident. I told her my husband was riding his bicycle and asked if I could see if he was there. She told me the crash involved a motorcycle. She even added the sound effect “vroom, vroom” to reassure me. She wouldn’t let me pass.

I returned to my car and then drove past Shaw, trying to think of a way to get closer. Patrick had CPR and first aid certification and would have stopped to render aid. Suddenly I realized this was too big of a coincidence. Patrick wasn’t home, hadn’t contacted me, AND there was an accident. An inner voice told me I needed to go home.

Chapter 4 – Meeting Patrick

I remember the first time I saw Patrick. I was working as a typist for his cousin, John Prandini, in his physical therapy office, which was inside a local fitness club, Fresno Racquet Time. John is the brother of one of my high school track and cross-country coaches, Carlo Prandini. I knew that one of their cousins was coming to work as a physical therapy aide for the summer, but I guess I thought he would be older. I was in the front lobby, and I saw a guy walking in. He was tall and was dressed in a very 80’s style with light yellow pants, a t-shirt, and suspenders with palm trees on them. He was hot! 

I later figured out this was not actually the first time I saw Patrick. Although I went to Clovis High School and he went to Hoover, we both ran track and cross country and would have been at the same meets many times during our high school years. And I once went on a date with one of Patrick’s best friends, John Wright, and Patrick was with him when we met. I often wonder why we couldn’t have met sooner, but I think we met when we were supposed to. We weren’t instantly an item, but by the end of that summer, we had begun our 30-year love story.

Chapter 5 – Driving Home 7:29 AM

As I drove, I called my nephew, Nicholas Campbell, who was a police officer at the time. He said he wasn’t working but agreed to try and get information. A few minutes later, he called back to ask me to describe Patrick’s bike. He mentioned there was an accident, and the rider did not have ID. I told him my husband refused to wear the Road ID I had made for him. 

I don’t remember panicking or wondering why they would need ID. Maybe shock had set in? All I knew was Camille would be leaving for school, and I needed to get home before she did. As I walked into the house, I got a breaking news text reading, “Fatal bicycle vs. vehicle accident closes Shaw.” And I knew. I can remember thinking this is what happens when you follow the news too closely. I received notification of death by a news alert. My brain refused to process the news.

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Three Million Minutes

That’s how long Patrick has been gone. Okay, technically it’s 3,155,040 minutes but It was easier to round it down. Either way 3 MILLION conveys the enormity of the loss. On the other hand, if we were together nearly 30 years, he was a part of my life for over 15 MILLION minutes and that’s the important number.

This year has been a little harder for me and I didn’t completely realize it until my friend pointed out the “intense trio of 3 days, his birthday, Easter, and his passing.”

I knew Easter was late this year but I didn’t make the connection that this is the latest it’s been since he died which put it right in the middle of “THE WEEK.” Now that I realize the connection, it makes it a little easier.

For the last two years I have frequently reminded my clients that the pandemic is an added stress. This usually comes up when they are telling me they are having a hard time getting out of a “funk” or they don’t understand why they are so anxious. I feel it is important to recognize when we are under stress. I often hear people say “ I should be able to handle this.” What they mean is “I don’t really have a good reason to be sad or depressed.” I’m here to tell you that A) You don’t need a reason. And B) There may be a reason you haven’t considered.

When I point out a reason someone might be having a difficult time I ask them to give themselves grace. It’s okay to have difficult days. I know April 20th is always going to be hard. I can’t take off work this year because I haven’t accrued time but I made sure my boss knew the significance of the days. And, being a counselor, she made sure to ask me what I need from her. Luckily I have group supervision on Wednesday so I will meet with my boss and 7 other counselors for 2 hours and if I need a little extra love, they’ll be there for me!

I think I’m actually going to be okay. I’ve mentioned previously that I have a friend who is a spiritual medium. I know everyone may not understand or agree with this but it is something that has brought me comfort. And believing that my friend is able to send me messages from Patrick does not diminish my belief in God. I still believe in God and heaven and I believe that it is possible for our loved ones to send us signs after they are gone. And this friend is the one who mentioned the intense trio of 3 days. More on that in a minute.

Yesterday I was briefly put in “Facebook Jail.” I think there may be different levels of jail for Facebook. I was put in jail because my post “went against our community standards on human exploitation.” This decision was reversed a few minutes after I told them they misinterpreted my post and I can no longer see what all of the punishments were but I remember two of them. 1) I could not advertise for 30 days. Um, okay, I wasn’t planning on doing that anyway. And 2) I could not livestream for 30 days (I definitely wouldn’t have been doing that either). I think the last one might have been that I couldn’t request to be added to any groups.

If you didn’t see my post, I will put it at the end of this post. I made the post on Patrick’s birthday and I told a story about the outrageous lighters he ordered days before his death. The lighters shoot flames from an exaggerated male appendage. I was careful not to use the P word but I still got in trouble! I put a picture of the lighters in the comments and mentioned my 18-year-old niece since she was the latest person to find a hidden lighter. Maybe she was the human I was exploiting? Lol

Patrick would have LOVED this story. In fact, I’m fairly certain that the idea that Facebook jail exists might have been enough to get him to create a new account and make it his sole mission to get put in Facebook jail. It saddens me to think of all the entertainment we missed out on!

So, back to the message from my friend. She mentioned that she had a message for me and it’s my understanding that the messages are not always as clear as I would imagine so it sometimes takes a while for her to convey them to me. She’s still working on the whole message but she did tell me that Patrick loved the story and was very happy that his lighters caused problems. This surprises no one!

I guess I should sleep soon. Bruce is out of town tonight so I’m not worried about keeping him awake. Plus, he can sleep through just about anything! Speaking of Bruce, I’m happy to say that I’ve now spent well over a million minutes with him and I’m very grateful for this. He continues to be there for the girls and I. Last week he came with us to spruce up Patrick’s headstone and he ended up in his hands and knees washing it off. I was filled with love as I watched my current husband lovingly clean my late husband’s headstone. I don’t know how I got this lucky twice but I am very grateful. Today will be a little bit easier because he will be by my side. ❤️

Here’s the birthday post:

Happy Birthday in heaven Patrick! ❤️❤️❤️

In honor of his birthday, I have a funny story. Shortly before Patrick died he had bought pipes for Phillip Weathers and Denny Boyles. They were ridiculous looking and one was an actual corn cob pipe! I knew they had arrived but I could never find them. I know they were sitting in boxes on a coffee table and I think the boxes were thrown into recycling during the chaos of that day. I was sad that we never found them but I discovered another surprise while I was looking.

When I pulled up our Amazon order history to confirm we had received the pipes, I saw he had ordered a unique lighter, a little golden man with a very large appendage from which the flame was intended to shoot out! Only Patrick would order something like this! And the shipment hadn’t arrived yet!

The day the box arrived was a difficult day. We had an appointment at the funeral home for a private viewing. Denny drove the girls and I there and I decided I would let him open the box when we got home. He had no idea what to expect but we were all surprised to find not one, but two lighters in the box. We had a good laugh!

We thought about what we would do with the lighters and we decided to share them with each other in the Cranberry Lambic tradition.

Many years ago someone (possibly Dina or Jeff) bought a beer that was called Cranberry Lambic. I’m not a beer drinker and I never tasted it but it is apparently the most foul-tasting beer that exists! Once the first one was drank the purchaser decided they couldn’t finish the rest and decided to “gift” them to others. Over the years the siblings came up with elaborate schemes to sneak the beer to their unsuspecting victims. You might find one in your fridge after guests left. Or maybe it was in the ice chest you carried home after a party. One particularly cruel sibling carefully removed the label and replaced it with a Sierra Nevada label. I believe the rule is that if you start drinking it, you have to finish!

When Patrick died the siblings agreed that it would be fitting to leave a bottle with him to ensure that he was “it”. So now the lighters are passed around and hidden in each other’s houses. Last Friday we had a gathering at Matthew TeNyenhuis’ and Denny mentioned that a lighter might make an appearance. As I left Matt’s house I realized I hadn’t heard if it was left there or not. Apparently Denny carefully opened and resealed a bag of tortilla chips and made sure they were left there. A few days later my 18-year-old niece, Ella TeNyenhuis, had friends over for tacos. So now Ella is it!

I’m so glad that Patrick’s humor has outlasted him! I’ll put a pic of the lighters in the comments!

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Time Capsule

Random items bring back fond memories.

Teenage Patrick – Photo courtesy of Danell teNyenhuis Black (author)

“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.”

Thomas Campbell

There is no rule book for handling the belongings of your late husband. I did not think I would be going through his things four and a half years later, but I’ve done it at my own pace.

Bruce and I combined our households in mid-2019. Moving was stressful and luckily we have a large garage with room for a lot of boxes. We intended to do a little at a time and then time got away from us.

I’ve had multiple boxes of Patrick’s things that I was holding onto. I was planning to get them all together and then go through and discard anything meaningless. How do you decide what is meaningless? I decided to consolidate the mementos into one box and save it as a time capsule available for the girls or their children to look through in the future.

One box was clearly items that had been packed up in college, moved home, and possibly never touched again.

I picked up a very worn deck of cards with a University of the Pacific logo and a campus picture on them. I’m positive that we played spades in his dorm room or apartment using those cards. The cards might not be played again but they could still be picked up and the holder could imagine their father, or possibly their grandfather, handling the same cards.

A cup made of leather with the name Pat on it. Clearly a high school art class project. Filled with pennies. The pennies could be cashed in for a few bucks. Or they could age in the time capsule, along with the ziplock bag labeled rare coins.

A “guess list” notebook. Used as a sign-in for his bachelor party. Some of the entries intelligible, most nonsensical. Smiling at the thought of Patrick with his high school friends and cousins. Damian reminding him that he knew me first. John not mentioning that he dated me first.

High school ID cards for each of his years at Hoover High School. A school picture and a picture of Patrick running for Sierra Freshman High School.

A book of poems and short stories published in his senior year. Contributors include a classmate who is now the CEO of Valley Children’s Hospital and another who owns a small publishing company. Patrick had several contributions including this one about his great-grandmother. Of course they got his last name wrong!

Biz Nona by Patrick teNyenhuis

High school awards including certificates and plaques. Possibly I will add the yearbooks but for now they are on the bookshelf for easy access.

Cassette tapes that are mostly useless now. A picture from his high school prom with his date Heidi. A pair of dice.

My favorite item is a souvenir keychain from Magic Mountain. If you look into it and hold it up to the light you will see a picture of Patrick and I. I’ve always loved the picture.

Magic Mountain | Photo courtesy of Danell teNyenhuis Black (author)

There are physical therapy tools to measure range of motion and pain sensation. And there are needles and thread to do minor repairs while away from home.

A Jiminy Cricket figurine.

A butane lighter and a nesting tin cup.

A metal “Honor Carrier” cash box from his days delivering The Fresno Bee. Locked but easy to open with a screw driver. Inside are various items including his high school valedictorian medal.

There are various other items that I will leave as surprises for the girls. I realize that many things could be tossed in the trash. I save them because they meant enough to him that he saved them. And I feel close to him as I look through them.

I also know there are still more mementos in the garage. Some day I will find them all and finish the time capsule. And when I do, I will look through everything again.

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Twenty-eighth

Twenty eight years ago I was probably laying in bed awake at 2:00 in the morning just like I am now. I’m taking a training class this weekend so I essentially worked 10:00 AM – 9:30 PM and my class is all day the next two days. I need to sleep, so of course, I’m awake.

In 1992, I’m sure I was going through all of the details and worrying about everything going smoothly. And I was also super excited that my wedding day had arrived. We had waited six long years to begin our life together. The day turned out beautifully and was all I had ever hoped for and more! This will be the 4th anniversary without Patrick and I am able to think about it with more smiles than tears.

The other day, I was telling my counselor that it has become harder to write my blog. I will always love Patrick and I also love Bruce. I know it can’t always be easy for Bruce but he never makes it awkward. I know that I don’t have to hold back and I’ve cried in his arms on several occasions. I am so grateful that I was blessed to find love a second time. My counselor encouraged me to keep writing and I’m sure I will.

I can’t think about Patrick without feeling a sense of deep love and gratitude that we were given the gift of two beautiful awesome girls and allowed to be their parents. I am thankful for them every day and it also breaks my heart that he is missing out on everything they’ve accomplished. And they are missing him! As hard as the quarantine has been, I will always remember that it gave me extra time with the girls and allowed us to live as a family for a while. Bruce would never presume to take Patrick’s place but he has found his own place in their hearts. Sometimes I come out of my office at the end of the day and hear the three of them talking and laughing downstairs. How great is that?

I still have days when it feels like no time has passed and the grief feels fresh. I know that my heart has buried some of it to protect me from the pain but it’s still ever-present. Most days my heart allows me to look back on the good times and remember the love. For that, I am grateful!

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4 years

Another year has come and gone. This day will always be bittersweet with the good and bad memories. Some people choose not to observe death anniversaries but it’s going to be there even if I try to ignore it. And honestly, I don’t ever want to forget the love and compassion shown to me that day. I took screenshots of every message, post, and text and I like to look through them occasionally.

The girls and I went to the cemetery today. We shared some memories and Camille commented on the irreverence of his headstone. He would have loved it! There were several special mementos left there by other family so we knew we weren’t the only visitors.

So much has happened since then. I know he is beaming with pride at all that the girls have accomplished. I think he would also like my new career path. I’m not sure how he would react to the pandemic. Being a healthcare professional, I know he would be familiar with the science and understand the need for the drastic measures being taken. But I think he would also find humor in the fact that toilet paper is a hot commodity. We just know that he would make us laugh, because that’s what he did.

My current class ends on Wednesday. This is also my final class. In honor of Patrick, and as a way to add something happy to April 20th (I know, there is already something associated with 4/20), I submitted my last assignments and my final hours. I am DONE with my degree! My commencement was scheduled for May 1st but has been postponed to October. So, I am going to make my own graduation, on Zoom! I have my cap, gown, and hood and I’ve already lined up a commencement speaker! Can’t wait to be officially employed!

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Sheltered at home

This is not the pandemic I imagined. Years ago I read The Stand by Stephen King. And I always thought a pandemic would look something like that, with a really high death rate. So in some ways this is a better scenario, but it’s also worse. I never imagined that the whole world could be affected so quickly. And, I never imagined that so much would be shut down.

I’ve tried to do some reading during this. If I read about normal activities like social gatherings or eating out I catch myself wondering how they are able to do that. Has this happened to anyone else? Normal activities seem like such a novelty. And even though it’s only been 5 weeks or so, it feels like it’s been a lot longer.

When this first started, my sister Dawan showed me the Johns Hopkins site with the COVID-19 map. I noticed her taking a screen shot of the numbers so I did too. And then I obsessively kept taking screen shots twice a day. I’m not even completely sure why I did that. My counselor brain says that the whole thing was so unknown that I wanted to find some sort of predictable pattern. I estimated that I took these screen shots for a few weeks but I just looked at the date stamps and it was only 5 days. When I took the first picture, on March 15th, California had 368 confirmed cases and 5 deaths. On March 20th that number had risen to 1,030 confirmed cases and 18 deaths. Four weeks later we are now at 28,157 confirmed cases and 973 deaths. That number will probably increase as I write this. But, it’s actually not as high as I had envisioned and it doesn’t seem to be growing as fast. So, hopefully the social distancing is working.

I’ve been wanting to get back to writing but it’s been difficult to decide exactly what I want to say. When I’m in pain, the words just pour out but now I probably tend to overthink what I’m writing. But I feel that history needs to be recorded so this is my way of documenting what is happening.

This pandemic has effected our society in profound ways. I know we will feel the effects for years and we will probably never return to the “normal” that we used to know. Not to minimize all of this but I have to say that I am extremely grateful for this gift of extra time with Sierra, Camille, and Bethany. Sierra (and her cat Gidget) moved back on March 14th. That same day, Bethany flew home from the Culinary Art Institute in New York. Camille stayed in Davis for a few more days as she studied for finals. But on Monday the 16th I started hearing about the possibility of sheltering in place and I asked Camille to come home. I was so relieved to have them home! Beth splits time between our place and her moms. Since both households take social distancing seriously we feel that is ok. When she is with us we eat WELL! Lately we’ve been getting sourdough bread each day! Last week she made the Disneyland Churro recipe and it was yummy! She also made enough cinnamon rolls to deliver some to my immediate family members. We enjoyed getting out for some social distance visits.

I’m used to getting my girls for long stretches but it’s nice to have them here together. I am just soaking in all the memories and enjoying my time with them. 💕💕 I am especially grateful for the time with Beth. When she graduates we know she will probably not end up in town so this is time we would have never had with her. I’m getting to know her so much better and she and the girls enjoy their time together.

So, for me, the quarantine has had a silver lining. I’m also grateful that Bruce is still employed and I will be again soon. I have one week of class left and then I will apply for registration as an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC). Once I get my registration number, I will start working for Omega Mental Health as a paid employee! Until then I will continue seeing my clients via Telehealth.

My work has changed in many ways. Telehealth can be impersonal but I am also getting a glimpse into my client’s homes and I think that has been a good thing. The first few weeks we mainly talked about the impact the quarantine had on people and things they could do to decrease anxiety and depression. For some, being isolated has become their number one problem. For others, being quarantined removed a lot of their day to day problems. I think it has been a good learning experience and I do feel that I’m helping.

So, I’m sure you are wondering what I tell my clients. Here is my recipe for improving your mood and decreasing anxiety:

  • CONNECTION- Find ways to connect with friends and family members. Zoom meetings are great and you can get a free account. You can share your screen and play games together. Check out jackbox.tv for multiplayer games. My favorite are Drawful 2 and Trivia Murder Party. Consider doing a social distance visit where you stand 6-10 feet apart, talk, do air hugs, etc.
  • LIMIT NEWS UPDATES – I check the news in the morning and before I go to bed. I’m a news junkie and I could spend the whole day reading about COVID-19 but it’s really not healthy.
  • CHECK OUT THE AMAZING THINGS that entertainers and average people are doing while quarantined. Here are some of my favorites on YouTube: The Tonight Show at Home Edition, SGN – Some Good News with John Krasinski, Stay Homas – 3 Italian roommates who formed a band! Or just search COVID-19 or quarantine.
  • STRUCTURE and ROUTINE – If you work from home or do school online this is fairly easy. If not, try to stick to consistent bed times and plan out your day. Maybe get dressed in real clothes occasionally?
  • FIND PURPOSE – my mom is sewing masks to donate to hospitals. If you have that ability that’s a great thing to do. Other ideas are to do something artistic, musical, or educational. I’m not saying that you need to do something worthwhile or altruistic. The whole point is to find something that brings you joy.
  • Finally, realize that there is no road map or manual for this. Do what works for you. If it makes you feel good, do more of that. If it makes you sad, do less.

Hang in there!

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Triggers

I’m supposed to be sleeping. I’m supposed to be in a good place. I’m happy and I have an amazing husband. I also apparently have some unresolved grief.

On Sunday, when I saw the breaking news alert about Kobe Bryant, I immediately thought of my good friends Lisa Walthall and Diana Durham. They are both huge Lakers fans and they’ve each taken me to Lakers games. I imagined that it would hit them hard. I enjoy any professional sports but I don’t really follow them a lot. I ran downstairs to tell Bruce the news and then I sat down in front of the TV and obsessively watched the news for hours. And I got sadder and sadder. Sierra texted Camille and I to say “I love you”. I asked if they had heard the news and they had and Sierra said that’s why she had texted. We texted back and forth a bit about how awful it was and then I continued watching the news.

I tend to be a news junkie when something bad happens. I worried that Bruce would think I was obsessed but honestly I WAS obsessed! Who was in the helicopter with him? How many children did he have? Were they with him? at first the news said there were five people. This is going to sound terrible but at one point I thought he had 3 kids. So, if he happened to be the pilot of his helicopter, it was possible he was flying the whole family. So then I was agonizing over whether or not they would all be in there. As horrible as that would have been, it would have meant that no one was left behind. Then I found out he had 4 daughters and I felt sick at the thought that possibly one member of the family was left behind. What if it was a kid? How do you come back from that?

After several hours I started realizing that I had probably watched enough. I was going to turn off the tv but I watched a news conference first. And they said there were 9 people on the plane!!! Once again I obsessed over the possible scenarios, each worse than the others. Finally I turned off the tv, spent time with Bruce and tried to feel better. By then it was evening. I went to bed wondering why this was hitting me so hard.

Once in bed, I still couldn’t sleep. I thought about Nancy Saltzman, who loss her husband and two sons in a plane crash. I credit her book, Radical Survivor, for giving me hope in those early days. I was positive that if I had lost Patrick AND the girls, I would not have wanted to live without them. If Nancy could survive that, surely I could survive losing my husband and still having my daughters.

I checked Nancy’s Facebook page and she hadn’t posted anything but she had shared a post from Michelle Neff Hernandez, who I recognized as the founder of Soaring Spirits International, a support group for widows and widowers. I’m putting a link to the full message below but basically it talked about wondering how Vanessa Bryant was coping and recognizing that some of us have gone through similar losses.

Facebook Post

After reading that, everything fell into place. Even though this tragedy was not the exact circumstances, it was close enough to trigger painful memories. I also know I’m not alone, many of my fellow widows and others who have lost loved ones were also feeling incredibly sad.

I drove to work Monday wondering if I was fit to do counseling. I have an ethical duty to monitor my fitness to counsel. I felt ok but I also continued to monitor myself. At one point I talked to my coworker, Andrew, and shared what I was feeling. He validated my feelings and reassured me. That night I talked a bit more about what I had been feeling and Bruce thanked me for sharing and asked how he could help. Did I mention that he is wonderful?

As the week wore on I wasn’t really feeling any better. I talked about it during supervision at work and decided I should probably go back to counseling myself. I’m realizing that there are certain parts of this journey that I have not let myself feel. It’s easy to do. In fact, people told me I was doing it and I really didn’t believe them. Sometimes suppressing feelings is a survival mechanism and I did what I needed to do. But I pushed a lot deep inside me and now it needs to get out.

Last night I was at a low point and I cuddled up with Bruce and told him the story of that day. I thought I had already told him. I thought I talked about it all the time. But apparently I mainly share happy memories. I shared all of the really painful ones and had a good cry. It was a good start to a new journey I have to take. Since I’m a counselor now I’ve decided that this is a learning opportunity for me. I’m going to try a few different approaches and I’m going to try and write more, since that really helps me. As always, thank you to everyone for your support. ❤️❤️❤️

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Countdown

The big day is six days away! Needless to say I’m laying here awake with my thoughts racing through whatever might be left to do. Thank god I invested in a wedding planner as she has taken a lot of the stress off! Last week I felt like I might be getting sick so I took it easy and got some extra sleep. I can’t afford to be sick!

Something had to give though and I put less focus on studying for the National Clinical Mental Health Counseling Exam (NCMHCE). I took it two weeks ago and I was not surprised when I didn’t pass. The test is divided into two parts and I did well on one part but you need to pass both. Honestly I’m just relieved that I can take a break from studying.

The licensing process is a little confusing since I attend an out of state, online school. Once I graduate in April I can register as an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC). Then I need to have 3,000 hours of supervised experience before I apply for my license. After I registered for the NCMHCE, I found out that California doesn’t allow applicants to take the exam until they have finished their supervised hours. So I actually took it over two years too early! I’m confident I will pass when I take it again.

My schedule is packed this week and if everyone shows up it will be the most clients I have seen in one week, even though I will only be there two days! I wish things were a little slower the week of my wedding but it will probably make time fly by!

I think I am mostly ready. I worry that I’m going to miss something. On Friday we had a final meeting at the venue. The wedding planner asked how we would like to be introduced and I said, ” Mr. & Mrs. Bruce Smith”. In case you didn’t know, that is NOT Bruce’s last name! And I have no idea where that came from! I will never live it down!

So that pretty much sums up my life right now, happy chaos!

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Busy, tired, and grateful

I find myself with very little time to write these days and I really miss it. I am going through the most intense, stressful, and wonderful time right now! Sometimes it’s hard to balance it all but it will be worth it in the long run.

Bruce and I moved into our new home in mid July. I started my practicum the next week. Some days I still can’t believe I’ve made it this far. Since graduating from Fresno State nearly 30 years ago, I have never had a job that I loved this much. I never felt adequate as a teacher. Aetna was a good career and I don’t regret it but it didn’t give me a lot of satisfaction. I sometimes worried that I was just doomed to fail.

Over the last few years I felt pretty good about what I was learning and I thought I would like it but I worried that I would feel unprepared and awkward. I was not at all sure what my practicum would be like. Many of my classmates are at sites where they shadow another counselor, at least initially. At my site they did some training and then I started seeing clients on my own. All of my notes are reviewed and signed by my supervisor and I have been observed a few times but basically I am allowed to counsel on my own and it’s been wonderful!

Don’t get me wrong, I still have a LOT to learn and I know I will improve over time. But I feel like I am helping my clients. They don’t always make huge gains between sessions and some only come for one session but I feel really good about the work I have done. And I am so grateful for this opportunity!

I am only doing this because of Patrick. When he died I thought my life was pretty much over too. Then I saw the love that everyone had for him and for the girls and I. I saw the many lives he touched and it made me want to do something more with my life. I will miss him every day for the rest of my life. I will mourn for all the time we did not get with him. Most of all I will mourn for all the important things he will miss out on. But I’m not sad anymore.

I am grateful for the full life I have now. I live in a beautiful home with a man I love dearly. I have two incredible, amazing, brilliant, and beautiful daughters. My life is both less and more than I ever dreamed. I choose to be happy and I choose to love.

Next month I will be taking the National Clinical Mental Health Counseling Exam (NCMHCE) so I probably won’t be writing or doing much of anything except go to work and study. In November we will be married. I’m still amazed that this is my life! And I am very grateful!

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Unexpected Love Story Part 3 – New Home, New Future

I’ve known Bruce for almost 12 months now, yet it seems like much longer. There are so many reasons we fell in love. I want to backtrack a little bit and tell you some of the things I love about Bruce and about our story.

Bruce treats me like a queen. He always opens the car door for me, even if I’m the one driving! And he tells me I’m beautiful every day.

Our favorite thing to do is anything we do together. It doesn’t need to be anything fancy. We genuinely enjoy spending time together! And Bruce loves his children, which is another reason I love him! When we first started dating he pulled out a picture of he and his girls at one of the Freedom Elementary father-daughter dances. I pulled up a picture of Patrick and my girls at the same dance! Denny was also there with his girls! Such a small world!

In early February we visited our first model home. As I mentioned in my last post, we went there to get ideas for my remodel. Bruce took me to the Granville models to show me one of his favorite models, the “Bella”. We looked at all of their models and as we walked around we discussed the things we both wanted in our next home. We originally wanted a one story home, with at least 4 bedrooms, a walk-in pantry, 3-car garage, a makeup vanity for me, and of course, lots of space to have family over. I always thought I would downsize and we both thought we were a little ridiculous for looking at bigger houses. In the end we decided we wanted space for the kids, even if they’re not here much. And we wanted a great house for having family get togethers in. So we bought a large Wathen Castanos “spec” home. It was still being built but close to being done. We didn’t get to pick any finishes but we loved everything about it!

The last 6 months have been a whirlwind of activity and that’s why I haven’t blogged much. Getting my house ready for paint and flooring and putting both houses on the market took a ton of time. I’ll write more about the whole process but I wanted to catch you up on everything!

Bruce’s house sold first and he was waiting for that to happen in order to make a particular purchase. He was out of town when it closed. When he got back in town we went to look at rings and we were both impatient so he bought it on June 30th. I still consider our first model home visit the true proposal! When we got in the car I asked him to put the ring on my finger. Then we FaceTimed my dad so he could officially ask his permission. The camera was on Bruce and when my dad said “of course” I turned it to me and said, “Good answer!” as I waved my ring at him! Two weeks later we got the keys to our new home and moved in that Saturday. On Monday, July 15th I started my counseling practicum. Who knew so many wonderful things could happen at the same time? We haven’t really begun planning…once I get more settled in at work and unpacked at home we can work on wedding plans…and maybe take a nap!