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Everything has changed

I was driving today and it occurred to me that every single thing I was wearing has been purchased after Patrick died. This included the watch, the ring on my right hand, and even my purse and phone. Even the car I was driving was purchased "after". Such an odd feeling. I know I look at least a little different too but he would still recognize me. Still, it takes a long time for things to change this much.

In the last week or so I finally got around to taking his name off joint credit accounts. Honestly it wasn't a huge priority for me. I didn't realize that he was the primary cardholder on some of them. A day or two later an Amazon order didn't go through. After finally calling the company I realized that removing his name actually closed the account. I only had a small balance because I use it to get reward points and pay it off each month. I had to listen to a long disclosure explaining how I wasn't responsible for the charges. I finally interrupted to tell them that I just wanted to pay it off and reapply in my name. I guess I have been committing fraud all this time.

I'm still learning new things about being a widow. I probably should have changed everything over a long time ago but I basically did the necessities and then have dealt with others when ready. I am actually lucky in this respect as some widows don't have the luxury of letting things sit like that. For many widows, losing their husband has a terrible financial impact. Those whose spouse had long illnesses have used up any savings to pay for medical bills and loss of income. Many couldn't afford life insurance. I am grateful that Patrick could and it has at least made things a little easier. When the accounts were closed I realized what a bind that could potentially put a widow or widower in if they suddenly lost access to credit accounts.

I decided it would be a good idea to run a free credit report on him. And I COULD NOT remember his social security number! I couldn't believe it! I've had that number memorized for years!! I know it was just a momentary lapse but it was another reminder of how much has changed. Luckily there were no red flags in the credit report.

I'm sure there will continue to be changes but hopefully they can continue to happen gradually. Change can be good but it's also comforting to hold on to some of the familiar.

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One year later

Patrick has been gone for 365 days. I’ve only seen him in videos and pictures. Some days it seems like just yesterday and on others it feels like an eternity. I’ve tried to share my journey with others. This is mainly for selfish reasons as I seem to feel much better when I write everything out. But I have also heard that others have found this helpful and that makes me happy.

Imagine that you are taking a walk. The weather is mostly perfect and the scenery is beautiful. As you walk you are holding the hand of the person you most want to walk this path with. Occasionally there is a hill and sometimes you stumble but your partner is always right there to help you.  You carry many memories with you and in the distance you can see many places that you want to go and you anticipate these experiences with excitement. You have the path memorized and you know exactly how to get where you want to go.

Suddenly there is an earthquake, worse than you ever imagined. A huge chasm opens up in the path in front of you.  You feel your partner slipping and suddenly they have disappeared. The destruction is so great that you can’t even see the places you had planned to go. The experiences you had dreamed of are no longer possible.

At first you feel like jumping into the chasm and looking for your lost dreams. You don’t really see any other option. Suddenly you see that there is another path leading away from the chasm. This path has not been used as often and it is not as easy to navigate. Sometimes you need help clearing the way. Parts of the path seem dangerous and frightening and the chasm always seems to be nearby. But you start to notice that there are some interesting things ahead. There are other people traveling the path and you begin to enjoy their company. They help to clear the path and point out destinations that you didn’t realize were there. This is a much different path than you had planned. You haven’t forgotten about your missing partner or the plans you had with them but you realize that they would be happy that you found this new path and would want you to continue on.

That may be a little corny but that is how my life is. I am now on a completely different path that I did not choose but it is not as awful and scary as I thought it would be. There are new dreams and hopes for the future. I feel that Patrick walks this path with me and helps steer me in the right direction. He can no longer hold my hand but he still keeps me from falling.

Over the last year I have met so many wonderful people and became re-acquainted with some old friends. I was able to leave a job that I was burnt out on and embark on a journey toward a new career. The girls and I have spoiled ourselves a bit and had some great adventures with more planned. None of us will have a future exactly like we planned but we will have a future and good things will happen. We will face adversity but we will always remember that we survived the worst thing imaginable and we can probably survive just about anything.

I will always miss my husband but I know that my story has not ended. He has provided for my future and I am able to focus on doing positive things and pursue a career where I hope to make a difference in people’s lives.

The girls are doing better than I could have ever imagined. They also miss their Dad but they are choosing to live the kind of lives he would want them to. We have pulled each other through this.

I have heard many different things about observing or not observing the anniversary of death. I can’t imagine how you would ever ignore it so we are choosing to be together, with other loved ones. We will spend the day at Shaver since he loved to be there. We may paddle the canoe around the lake or take a hike. He will be right there with us.

Thank you for all of the love and support in the last year! Keep it coming because this grief journey is not over! We love you all!

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Calming the chaos – 1/13/17

This was originally published on my Tumblr blog and I hadn’t moved it over yet. I’m moving it now to go with a new post on the same topic!

In the aftermath of Patrick’s death there has been ongoing disorganization in my household. The initial disorganization was the chaos in my mind as I struggled to take what was once my dependable life and reorganize it into an unexpected future. I call this widow fog or grief fog and it still reappears at times.

Disorganization is actually a really good word for the mental state I have been in. Since early in our relationship we had been on this life path that was pretty carefully planned out. The plan went on and on but suddenly he was gone. I’m still trying to process the fact that the original plan is finished and the new plan is not complete. The remaining items in the plan mainly involved the girls. Get them through school, hopefully marriage someday and eventually grandchildren. Those things will still happen, just not as planned. The more obvious disorganization is in the house.

On the day he died and for weeks afterward I ceased to care about my house. Aside from my initial concern that it was cluttered, once the worst was confirmed I simply didn’t care. Other people took care of things. People brought food and things like water, paper plates, paper towels… different people cleaned up. Items found temporary new homes. Things needed to be done and everyone knew I didn’t care where they put the dishes after they were washed. I caused some disorganization as I searched for pictures and other items to display at the service. I was obsessed with capturing his essence and I seem to keep pictures in a lot of different places. I also spent time going through drawers and boxes looking for things. I didn’t care about putting things back exactly as I found them. We are approaching 9 months and I am still disentangling the chaos. Sometimes I just don’t understand how there is still so much.

The garage especially confounds me. Patrick had a weight machine in the garage. The area around it had to be clear in order for him to workout, which he did multiple times each week. That area is now one big pile of confusion. I finally figured out that there was a home for everything but Patrick’s preferred method of storage was based on the game Tetris. I’m convinced that there is only one way to put things back and only he knew that.

Some things belong in hard to reach places or involve a feat of physical strength to get them put away. Like most garages we probably need about 1/5 of the things we have in there. And I guarantee you that Patrick would have said it was a smaller number. A tenth, or even smaller. He always joked about renting a dumpster and putting most of what we own in it because, “We have too much stuff”.

I have a housekeeper now and I know he would definitely have an opinion about this. In fact I know what his opinion was. Even though we never had a housekeeper he always said that people had to clean up before the housekeeper came. Once this was done, why do you need a housekeeper? I am paying them to clean toilets, vacuum and dust. The biggest service they are providing is motivation. Every two weeks everything needs to be in it’s “home”, ready for the housekeepers. So far this has been accomplished by having a few off limits rooms. Last time I made it my mission to get the sunroom at a point where they could at least clean most of it. The loft/office area is next on the list.

I really can’t stress enough what a mental boost it is to have things clean and organized. Maybe it is just me and other people wouldn’t care? I try to go to Goodwill every week or two. I know I could have a garage sale but I am not willing to store items in anticipation of that. Sometimes you need to do it in stages. I did some organizing and downsizing in the kitchen over the summer and I am planning to do it again at some point. This week I tackled the spice cabinet, which was ridiculous! Who thought up the Tupperware spice containers? I had the full set, carefully labeled with various spices. I don’t normally cook very much! Patrick pretty much used salt, pepper, garlic and hot sauce. And did you know that most spices are really only good for around 12 months! I had no clue! And the spice companies are smart! A lot of them are not labeled with a use by date. So, you’re already at a disadvantage and then you put them in a Tupperware container with no date!!!??? I threw out at least 4/5 of the spices in the cabinet. I’m too embarrassed to tell you the oldest confirmed date on a spice but it was older than Sierra. 😂😂😂 And seriously, I bet the Tupperware ones were even older!

Yesterday I was working on the loft, going through pictures and greeting cards. I have a lot of random unused cards. I like to keep some on hand but I also forget to take them with a gift so I found several age specific children’s cards and I set them aside even though I probably won’t remember that I already have a card for a 2 year old’s birthday. I also found “To The Special Man I married”. I know there are more like this. We didn’t always make a big fuss about birthdays and I always intended to give him his card… But life is busy and a card for your spouse is not one that you quickly sign. There is so much to say. I really wish I had taken the time to write those words and give him that card. I’m not going to dwell on it, he knew I loved him. But if I had it to do over again…

Today I will organize a little more and I will keep working on it until everything has a place and is neatly stored there. Hopefully the organization will clear a little more of the fog. I need to be able to see what lies ahead on my new path.

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Kind of lonely – 12/4/16

8/16/20 – I have never finished moving my Tumblr posts to this blog. Bear with me while I catch up!

One of the hardest things to deal with these days is loneliness. Not the “I’m alone and have no one to hang out with” kind. I miss having someone who loves me. Someone who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. I miss having someone who will hold me if I need to cry. I miss having a husband. I miss MY husband. Unfortunately, this is the kind of lonely that can’t be filled right now.

I am not interested in meeting someone new at this point so let’s not even start those discussions. I do have the capacity to love again but I think I would be very, very picky. I was always grateful that I didn’t have to experience much of the “dating” scene and I still don’t have any desire to do that. I’m thankful that I have connected with a lot of fellow widows. Some are friends who lost their husband before I did. Some are new friends and some of those I have never even met in person. They “get” it.

The nice thing about knowing so many is that they are all at different points. Some are even remarried. I feel hopeful when I see that they have moved forward and are able to function. That is comforting. Some days I wonder how I am even able to go on without him. Seeing others who are moving forward gives me hope.

Every day I am surprised that I still have such raw feelings. I can go for longer periods feeling relatively okay and there are a lot of times I even feel happy. Still,  I am randomly assaulted with vivid memories. They don’t have to be anything major. Today Matt taught me how to massage some of the swelling out of Camille’s ankle. As I was doing it she casually mentioned times that Patrick had also done this. In a way it made me feel close to him but I was also incredibly sad that he was not here to do it.

My birthday ended up being mostly okay. I was really sad early in the day and I decided that I would give myself permission to mourn. Not that I haven’t been mourning but I try not to do too much at once. I allowed myself to cry a little and that was good since it tends to build up. Later in the day, I got flowers from Sierra! I had worried that at some point someone would send my flowers at a time when he might have. And I really didn’t like the idea of “sympathy” flowers. Getting them from Sierra was perfect and it was a nice surprise. I really do have awesome kids and I will always be grateful for that.

I had a nice dinner with my family. I thought Denise and I had an understanding about putting candles on the cake and singing. I failed to request that she not have the musical act and the ENTIRE restaurant sing to me. Lol. Someday revenge will be mine!

Today I saw an online ad for a new kind of wine stopper. I immediately thought of Patrick. I may just need to order some as surprise gifts for people. They would think of Patrick immediately. Did I mention that they were called the “Happy Man” wine stoppers? 😂😂😂 He definitely would have ordered them to go with the “special” lighters. As Patrick’s wife, I am responsible for keeping the memory of his crazy sense of humor alive. Consider yourself warned. 😜😜😜

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Happily married mother of two 9-17-16

Originally posted on 9/17/16. I’m still working to get everything transferred from my old blog. It’s nice to read the old entries and see that I feel at least a little better now!

I’ve been looking at my social profile descriptions recently. They basically all say the same thing. “I am a happily married mother of two”. I just can’t bring myself to change them. Who would I be then?

One of the hardest parts of losing your spouse is losing part of your identity. I’m not really ready to embrace the term widow but I get annoyed when it is not an option on paperwork because I’m definitely not single. And I may never change my relationship status on Facebook. Widow is just such a sad term and I don’t like doing the sad thing!

I’ve been shredding old paperwork and I got rid of all of “our” address labels. Today I was wondering if I should save some of the paperwork from our early life together. Canceled checks, bank statements, doctors bills, etc. I really have no need for any of these things but it was a really odd feeling to shred them. I did save a few checks so I would have a copy of his signature.

There are a still a lot of things in both of our names. I’ve only changed what I had to. I’m in no rush to change them all. I feel like it’s a step forward each time I do something like that but there is no timeline in getting it all done.

I realize that I’m still the same person I was on April 19th. I will always be Patrick’s wife. And I’m still a mother of two. Unhappily widowed? Tragically widowed? I’ll just leave the happily married part for now.

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Stages – 9/12/16

Originally posted 9/12/16

I’ve been thinking a lot about the stages of grief. I have experienced most of them but not in a neat orderly fashion. And, I am beginning to suspect that you never really get through any of them.

Although I didn’t realize it at the time I believe now that I was initially in shock. For a LONG time. When I think back on the initial days and weeks I almost feel like I am watching a scene from someone else’s life. I functioned at minimum capacity. I let others help me with the things I could not do. I was in pain but I really had not even begun to FEEL the loss. They say denial is one of the first stages. At the time I thought I was doing pretty good with that stage. I knew he was gone. The funny thing is that my mind is no longer in denial but my heart is. I seem to have these inner arguments with the mind stating the facts and the heart stating that it is JUST. NOT. POSSIBLE. I guess at some point they will come to some sort of agreement but right now my heart is definitely winning. So denial is an ongoing stage.

That day seems to run on an endless loop in my head. I study it and try to comprehend how I got through. If I start to feel happy my mind says “Wait, maybe you haven’t seen this movie?” And then the FACTS are laid out before me and I know he’s really gone. I’m not sharing this for sympathy or pity. I assume that most people who read this are hurting too. I’m sharing because I never imagined grief was like this.

I have experienced some anger. A little at the person who caused this. Mainly indifference to him because I just can’t waste any emotions on him right now. I have also been irrationally angry at Patrick. Why did he have to be so devoted to working out? How could he leave me? I do realize that this was not a choice he made. Mainly I am just mad at the Universe. He was too young to die.

The depression stage comes and goes.
This last week I’ve been very emotional. I have good days and bad days but I really missed him this week. It’s still hard to comprehend going through life without him. I had a very busy weekend and saw a lot of friends and family so that helped pull me back up. And while I was sad I let myself cry often. I think it’s good and I always feel a little better.

I think acceptance is kind of elusive. And really, why would you ever want to accept losing someone you love? Maybe it should be called resignation instead? I guess it is just going to take time to deal with all of the different emotions. I wish there was a shortcut through grief. Unfortunately you have to go through all of it in order to move forward. One step at a time.