Posted on

Getting through the holidays

Although I am kind of sidelined right now, I am more excited for Christmas than I was last year. Last year I didn’t always want to celebrate in ways that I would have with Patrick. I kind of made some BIG plans and they really helped me get through. But I know the things I did may not be feasible for everyone so I’m going to share what I did with some alternatives thrown in.

CHANGE IT UP

I started my escape from holidays on Father’s Day 2016. Mother’s Day came 18 days after Patrick died and it was really hard for me. So on Father’s Day I ran away. Really I took the girls and went to Universal Studios and Hollywood. I splurged a little on VIP passes but if you took a day trip it could be doable. If you can’t face the usual holiday activities, change it up a bit. Go somewhere you normally wouldn’t go. The novelty is distracting.

TAKE THE FAMILY SOMEWHERE NEW

On Thanksgiving I rented a place big enough for 30 people, filled it with his family and mine and we had a really good time. Going away together for a holiday was great. We all still missed him but we enjoyed being together and away from it all. We could have rented smaller houses or even hotel rooms. The point is, we were at a place where we would not be haunted by memories and we were together.

DON’T GIVE UP ON ALL OF YOUR TRADITIONS

Christmas was hard. We didn’t want to deviate too much from the norm. So, we did some of our usual activities. And they were made easier because the loss was acknowledged. The year before, Patrick had started a new tradition of buying a Christmas tree that was still tied up and “unfurling” it at home. We were happy to continue this tradition. And since he created it for us, it kind of felt like he was there! Luckily our first Christmas without Patrick happened to be the year that my family spends Christmas Eve at my sister’s house for one big sleepover. I was comforted by the familiar and didn’t wake up to a too empty house on Christmas morning. Christmas Day we also stuck with the Prandini tradition of gathering at a hall and enjoying raviolis together. I’ll admit, this one was hard. But I knew that everyone there was grieving, and not just for Patrick since we had also lost Barbara and Zio Angelo. Cathy ended up joining me there and that also helped.

IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY

I don’t remember exactly what I did on New Year’s Eve but I think I stayed home and I really wanted to be alone. I wasn’t ready to see other people get kisses at midnight. I wasn’t moping and crying, I just didn’t subject myself to that.

DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU

My final advice is to just do what is best for you and your family. If you’re not the only one hurting you may occasionally have to make hard choices to accommodate everyone, but outside of that circle, don’t worry what others think. Everyone handles grief differently and there’s no right or wrong way.

Posted on

New holiday memories – 11/30/16

Originally posted on 11/30/16

Today I have the post-vacation blues. I have been looking forward to our Thanksgiving trip for months and it was everything I hoped for. We all had a great time and really enjoyed being together but I knew it would never be long enough. Ending vacation is sort of a lesser type of mourning. You make big plans, anticipate all of the fun things you are going to do and wish it could last forever. When it’s over you mourn but thankfully only for a short time.

My life with Patrick was the best vacation ever. We made lots of plans and anticipated how much fun we would have. Most of our plans worked out but we didn’t quite get to do everything we wanted. Sadly we can’t make plans to “go again”. There are no do-overs when someone dies. This is where I pause briefly and remind everyone to embrace life and live it to the fullest. Do the things on your bucket list. Life is much shorter than you think!

Like my trip to Santa Cruz, this trip brought back a lot of memories. Now that I think of it, that may be why I chose to hang out at the Inn for the most part. There are a lot of places that might have been painful to see. When we were driving in I was trying to remember my last trip there. We passed the Kon Tiki Inn and I remembered that we stayed there for our 23rd anniversary. We had a great time in spite of the fact that I came down with a sinus infection. We had planned to go back and take the girls. I had forgotten that there was one more trip. We were in Cayucos for Mom and Pop’s 50th anniversary. We drove over to go to the Great American Melodrama in Oceana. We highly recommend it if you have never been. Joe took Patrick there on one of their birthday camping trips. Patrick loved it and thought it would be fun for the whole family. On our way we stopped in Shell Beach and met Dad and Kandra for dinner. So many great memories of that trip too! I just tried not to get stuck in memories as we passed all of these places.

We might not be able to do another trip exactly like this due to the cost but I plan to investigate and see if there are other places with similar capacity. The trip was fun for everyone and an outside observer probably would not have been able to determine where the Boyles family ended and the teNyenhuis family began.

Today we celebrate my mom’s 75th birthday and a few days later Camille’s first soccer game of the year. In between is another trip to the courthouse for a preliminary hearing. I would really like to avoid that but of course, I will be there. Hopefully that chapter will be wrapped up soon.

I found out that I do have job protection and I have been approved for early retirement. This will be a great relief and I feel like once I am past that I can start making plans for the next few years. I probably won’t work while I am receiving severance but I’m thinking of doing some volunteering. I have always said I wanted to do volunteer work when I retired so I am going to sign up for a few things that will either bring me joy, be good experience for my career in counseling or both. I am also looking forward to being able to attend every single soccer game for Camille. They are returning as undefeated section champs and I can’t wait to see what they do! I will miss Patrick at the games (although maybe not his very loud criticisms of the refs). 😂 Last soccer season was a really exciting time and will always be a great memory for Camille, Sierra and I. This season will be bittersweet but I know Patrick will be there in spirit, I will think of him every time a parent gets a little too obnoxious and I will feel his pride each time Camille has a great play. I’m looking forward to some serious soccer fun! Go Timberwolves!