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Time is flying by

I was pulling out of a parking lot this evening and noticed that there is already a firework stand up. Really??? They can’t even sell them for over two more weeks. I am very familiar with the date they go on sale. One week before the 4th of July, June 27th, my 25th wedding anniversary. How can it be so close?

Of course I knew it was coming. I’ve already scheduled a massage for that day and I plan to find something fun to do. I was really looking forward to this milestone and then I didn’t even get to celebrate the 24th anniversary. 

It’s also Father’s Day and frankly I would just like to fast forward through the next few weeks. We talked about going somewhere fun and we still might but we’ve kind of been on the go a lot. We spent last weekend in San Francisco and saw the musical, Hamilton. The girls have listened to the soundtrack so many times that they almost know it by heart. The play was really good! It’s not 100% historically accurate but I haven’t ever seen kids get this interested in history! During intermission I enjoyed listening to a tween girl and her younger brother discuss their favorite parts with their Dad. They had clearly seen more than one show because they were even comparing actors! Do you know who would have been really interested in the play? Patrick!

In case you didn’t know, Patrick had read biographies on almost every president plus many of the founding fathers, including Alexander Hamilton. I think I remember him talking about how smart Hamilton was. He would have picked apart the historical inaccuracies, made fun of the rapping and then secretly enjoyed the show. I can just hear him creating his own lyrics to show what really happened. He would have driven the girls crazy but they would have loved it! It’s not hard to imagine his crazy reactions because it was daily life with Patrick!

The girls and I enjoy playing the “What would Dad say?” game. Most of the time they are better at it than I am. We always laugh and it makes us feel like a part of him is still with us, which I know is true. 

We will always keep parts of him with us. Sometimes this will be a questionable choice, lol. Today I talked to the smog repair shop. I probably should have just donated the car to a school. Or I could have paid to get it repaired to pass smog, which happens to be an amount roughly equal to the Kelly Blue Book value. Instead I am spending twice what it is worth to also fix the oil leak and the coolant system. Maybe we can still get a trip or two to the beach in? I’m just not ready to say goodbye to it so I’m not going to! By the way, here is the picture that started it all! The day he fell in love! 

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It’s not as hard, but it isn’t any easier

May was a crazy, busy month! Awards, graduations, moving Sierra, multiple parties… I’m enjoying the fact that things are a bit slower this week. I was worried that it would be a big let-down but we do have a lot planned for the summer so I have things I am looking forward to.

I have to say that 13 1/2 months later it still doesn’t seem real. Time has definitely passed and there have been a lot of changes but it also seems like I saw him just yesterday. 

Setting goals and making plans seems to help me a lot. I added the girls to my gym membership (Urban Block Fitness) and tomorrow will be day four for them. Camille is probably in the best shape overall so we are kind of getting a kick out of the fact that she is feeling the pain! Like me, she is not used to the type of arm workouts that we do at the gym. She is looking forward to having arm strength! Sierra went with me over spring break and incorporated some of what we did into her workouts so she is not as sore but we are ALL feeling it this week. I missed a lot of workout days in May so I’m making up for lost time!

Tomorrow I also start a new class and for three weeks I’m going to be enrolled in two classes. I’m overlapping the classes so I can take a break for vacation in August. I hope it’s not too much. I guess I still worry that if I put too much on my plate I might fall apart. I don’t think that’s going to happen but I still try to make sure it doesn’t. 

My days are mostly good now unless I think about it too much. There is always going to be this ache deep inside of me. Right now I just can’t allow myself to visit that place very often. I don’t think I’m in denial, more like self-protective mode. The best way to describe where I am now is this, it’s not as hard but it isn’t any easier. I know that’s a contradiction but it just seems to fit the way I feel. 

I put my wedding ring back on for Sierra’s graduation and I can’t get it off now. So I guess I needed to have it on a little bit longer. I imagine Patrick chuckling about that. 

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Look out world!

I have known for a while that Camille’s high school graduation would be amazing! Each year it became clearer that she was going to accomplish great things. From the time she started kindergarten every teacher told us what a great student and all around person she was. It’s been so exciting to watch her grow into the beautiful, intelligent, young lady that she is! We knew there would be honors, we just had no idea how many there would be. We couldn’t wait for this year! 

Experiencing her senior year without Patrick was so bittersweet! I tried to always remember that he was with us in spirit but that gets hard when really you just want him physically present. 

This was a tough year in many ways.  I really would have given both my girls a pass if they just phoned it in for the last year. That’s really all I expected.  Instead, just like her big sister, Camille discovered her strength and resilience. Although she loves her Dad deeply, she carried on exactly as he would have wanted.  She radiated love, faith, and strength and I believe it had a big impact on those around her.

She has kept the memory of her Dad alive by recalling funny stories and always having a quick, hilarious response. Like her father, she is loving but not overly emotional. She doesn’t cry a lot but wraps her arms around me if I need to cry. And she never says goodbye without telling me she loves me. 

I knew that Camille was capable of being a leader but she has always been a little shy. I knew that would be her biggest challenge. This year she became a leader!

I don’t know if you’ve seen the story that talks about how we never know when we are experiencing the “lasts” with our kids. Last bottle, last diaper, last time holding them, etc. Every time I read that story I am amazed at how true it is! Last week I was asked to be a chaperone on a field trip to the Asian museum in San Francisco. It was fun to know that I was experiencing the last field trip!

During the museum tour the students were put into groups and they each had to find a particular exhibit, study it, and share with the group. I was surprised that Camille was the spokesperson for her group! A few years ago she would have sooner missed the field trip rather than speak in front of a group. This year she has done it multiple times and even managed to be poised and articulate when she was interviewed by a TV station!

I am overflowing with pride and joy! I am happy that Camille is not only coping, she is excelling! And, just for the record, she graduated second in her class, as A Valedictorian and Academic Scholar of Distinction. She was also recognized for being a life member of California Scholastic Federation, received the principals medallion and was inducted into the Nationsl Honor Society! I can’t wait to see her soar in college!

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Sleepless

Sometimes I question my decision to share so much on my blog. A lot of times I think people want to fix things for me and that’s not the reason I write this. I try to be authentic but there are times I may leave things out because I don’t want to worry people. So I won’t post this right away. 
I’m tired and I can’t sleep. It’s 3 AM on Saturday and I have a busy day tomorrow. I had so much to do yesterday and accomplished very little. I still have times when it is very hard to get myself organized. I finally did a Facebook invite for Camille’s party. I used to kind of frown on those but it’s a week away so I needed to get the word out. I have announcements and pictures to send out. I realize I could have her do those but she has had less time than I have had. 
I rarely get “good” sleep anymore and sometimes the exhaustion catches up. I did sleep late yesterday so hopefully that will get me through tomorrow. 
Sierra is moved home and getting settled in. We are trying to combine her 3 years of college accumulation with everything else she already had. She is a very good organizer and does not get emotionally attached to “things”. She disagrees but she is much better at decluttering than I am. I’m excited for her to get her organizing done because then I know she will help me!
I was thinking about Patrick when I went to bed and it still took my breath away realizing he is gone. It’s more of a brief shock now, not the heavy sadness I felt at first, but still hard. If I’m having trouble sleeping I can go on the Option B Facebook group and I don’t feel so alone in my pain. It’s for anyone experiencing grief but a lot of widows post there. I can see how people who are further along are doing and sometimes I’m able to share with people whose loved ones died more recently. Sheryl Sandberg is one of my heroes now. My blog is not unique. A lot of people write blogs after experiencing this type of loss. They write books too. But most of them do not have the connections she has and the power to bring people together. She is very inspiring!
I haven’t had a chance to write about Patrick’s graduation video. It turned out to be a kind of goofy video about all of the graduates. There wasn’t a single bit of the graduation on it so no video of Patrick’s speech. But there was video of him, acting a little silly, and the girls enjoyed watching it. I’m glad that we have it but I still hope I find that speech!
It’s now Tuesday and Camille graduates tomorrow. I haven’t posted since last week because I have been so busy. I’m still disorganized. Announcements have not been mailed. I can’t stress about it. I have two assignments to turn in before graduation tomorrow. I’m taking a short break right now then I will hopefully finish them prior to the last minute. 
I was looking at my Facebook profile and it made me sad that Patrick is not listed in my life events. So I added “loss of a loved one” and it broadcasted it to everyone so I immediately deleted it. I wish you could just have it be there without showing up in newsfeeds. #FirstWorldProblems.
I’m excited to see Camille graduate but I know it will be hard also. Patrick was so proud of both of his girls! Last night Camille led the flag salute and read the benediction at baccalaureate. She was poised and confident. Four years ago she filled in as the mascot at a rally and she could only do it for a little while because she was uncomfortable being in front of a crowd. That is probably the biggest change Patrick missed out on, Camille growing into her role as a leader. I know he will be with me in spirit tomorrow but I wish he were here…

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Take these broken wings

I still remember finding the recording of Blackbird on the day Patrick died. I said at the time that I believed it was a love song to the girls and I. The whole family has embraced this and it’s really special to us. I realize that the song is about the civil rights movement but for us it has always meant that he wanted us to “learn to fly” again. 

Last April that was hard to imagine. I still have vivid memories of telling Sierra over the phone. When your world falls apart you want those you love the most to be near you. It was agonizing to have her 4 hours away and I thank God that Denise was living in Southern California at the time. I honestly don’t know what we would have done if she hadn’t been. 

I worried about how we would survive without him. Sierra took incompletes in all her classes. There was no question that she was staying home. We couldn’t have been that far apart at that point. She had been telling us for months that she was graduating at the end of her third year. We thought it was wishful thinking but she assured us it was happening. We were both very proud of her! I remember thinking that she could lighten her load and take more time to graduate. 

When she returned to Long Beach in the fall it was very hard. And she was hard on herself. She reminded me of her 3 year goal and her goal of going to law school. I told her that no one expected her to stick with that now. How could we?  She was adamant about graduating but she finally conceded that there was no shame in taking a year off in-between graduating and going to law school. She could have done the bare minimum and still graduated and I would have been proud. She could have curled up in a ball and not left the house and I would have understood. Instead, she went back and did SO well that she completed all of her makeup work with a 3.8 GPA for that semester. She is waiting for two more final grades to be entered but she is on track to have three extra words added to her diploma, “Magna Cum Laude”! I don’t know how she managed to do this. She had more strength and determination than I ever realized!

I am so proud that she found her inner strength and not only finished school, but finished with honors! I know that we still have hard moments ahead of us but it’s a good feeling to know that your child has faced adversity and beat it. 

She really took the message to heart. She learned to fly instead of using her broken wings as an excuse. She thought about using those words on her cap but she didn’t want to use the word broken. I like what she chose and I think it was a great tribute to Patrick. 

Of course I shed a few tears today. It was hard having this moment and not sharing it with Patrick. I know he is proud of her and he’s with us in spirit but we all know it’s not the same! So, I had a lot of tears of sadness. But I also had tears of joy and pride. Sierra faced adversity and she rocked it! She is going to accomplish great things and I truly could not be more  proud of her! 

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Hidden treasures

Today is our semi-annual neighborhood cleanup day. I spent time last week finding things to put out and also made another trip to Goodwill. I will probably never finish my decluttering project but it’s definitely a goal!

I know there are boxes of things in the garage that haven’t been opened in years. I look forward to whatever hidden treasures they hold. There are two things in particular that I’ve been hoping to find. The first is a copy of the speech Patdick gave at his grad school commencement. The second is Patrick’s journal from our Engaged Encounter weekend. I have mine and it would be fun to compare notes!

I found a promising box and opened it to find an unexpected treasure, the VIDEO of the graduation!!! This video is on VHS tape, has been in the garage for 13 years and is almost 28 years old. I have no idea what condition it is in. I do have a VCR but it’s not hooked up and honestly I was afraid I might destroy the tape. Camille also suggested we wait until Sierra is home to watch it together. So I dropped it off at Horn Photo and told them it was very precious! We will get the DVD in two weeks and hopefully it will work!

There were other treasures in the box also! There was a large picture of the Phi Delta Theta, California Lambda chapter for 1988-1989. Patrick is at the end of the second row looking very cute with his Superman curl! Several of his fraternity brothers came to town last year for his service and it meant a lot to me. I still have his fraternity pin and I’ve worn it to a few important events so I would have something of his with me. 


The box also contained a Swisher Sweets cigar box filled with useful and meaningful items. Most of them were significant to me. I wish I had the story behind all of them! There was, of course, a cigar. There was a small notepad with mostly blank pages. A Japanese phrase book?? A small compact mirror from Burger King with a picture of a lady on the back. His favorite Disney character, Jiminy Cricket. There were business cards from our wedding photographer, the jewelry store he bought my ring from, the athletic trainer he worked for at UOP and my business card from my short stint selling Rainbow vacuums. The video, his Chapman College student ID and a few other small items. The little purple thing is a picture viewer from Magic Mountain that has a picture of us inside. I have one also but it was still fun to find. I don’t have the exact picture to share but it’s from the same trip the picture below was taken on. 

After I pulled this box out I could see there were other boxes around it. I started to grab another then I decided I would wait for another day. There aren’t many Hidden Treasures left so I’m going to savor them as much as I can. I’ll let you know if we are able to view the video. 😊❤️❤️❤️

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Cherish

On Tuesday night I was at the Clovis East Scholarship awards for Camille. When it began, the couple sitting in front of me, who are friends of mine, reached out and grasped hands. A year ago this probably would have made me incredibly jealous. I would be lying if I said it doesn’t make me jealous at all now. But mostly it makes me happy to see this.

I’ve spent a lot of time on the appreciate your spouse bandwagon, so I love it when I see people doing just that! I’ve told my daughters that what I really want is for them to find someone to cherish them.


I found the above definition on Googke. “Protect and care for someone lovingly, hold dear, adore.”  You don’t hear this word used that often in everyday conversation but it’s the perfect description of what I think a relationship should be. I don’t have a magic formula for anyone to get this kind of relationship but I hope my daughters settle for nothing less.

Patrick cherished me and I cherished him. Our marriage wasn’t perfect. Most marriages are not fairy tales. I think a good marriage is actually very unglamorous. I know that I was so comfortable in my marriage that I didn’t worry if I woke up with my hair looking like a rat’s nest! I really don’t think I am an expert on marriage either. I just know that I was happy and I can tell you what that looked and felt like.

We were kind to each other. We didn’t belittle each other and if we had a problem we would work it out. We respected each other. We gave each other space when needed. We listened and comforted each other. He was my sounding board and I was his. Yes we annoyed each other at times but the good far outweighed the small annoyances.

I cursed at Patrick exactly one time and it upset him so much that I never did it again! We had gone skiing and it was probably my second time ever. Dawan rode up the chair lift with me and was patiently helping me. When Patrick got off the lift we had only gone around 50 feet so he came over to see what the hold up was. The hold up was that Danell was a lousy skier! I fell down every few yards (or was it feet or inches???). Patrick assessed the situation and made a true Patrick observation, “If you’re going to fall, you probably should avoid the big drifts of snow since they are hard to get up from.” As if I was strategically planning my falls! I simply said, “F$&@ you.” He was stunned. Dawan looked had him and said calmly, “Maybe it would be better if we met you at the bottom?” He liked to remind me of that any time I was annoyed with him. 😜

Do me a favor, just humor me… the next time you are annoyed with your spouse or partner, take a deep breath and imagine how annoyed you would be if they were gone! If needed, send them to the bottom of the hill for a break! I know it’s not always fun and games but try to appreciate them as often as possible because time is precious and so are relationships. 😊❤️❤️

 

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First Friday

Tonight was our monthly First Friday get together. Patrick liked to invite his brothers, cousins and friends over to soak in the jacuzzi and drink beer the first Friday of each month. Now we have a potluck each month for anyone in our huge extended family and friends. We have rotated to different houses and tonight we had it at Dina and Jeff’s place. They live two miles off Tollhouse road so it is very secluded. They invited everyone to camp out. It’s not exactly roughing it but I decided to be a good sport and sent my tent ahead with Denny. 

When Camille and I arrived they said we could sleep in the newly finished “apartment” that Jeff built above his barn. It’s been in the works for a while. The main house has a bathroom with a shower and Jeff wanted a bathtub. Patrick liked the idea of an apartment here because he loved hanging out with Jeff and if he stayed up here they could go fishing earlier. He joked that he might just move up here. 

We spent our last Easter together here with his family. Jeff had the apartment ready for the bathtub but the bathtub needed to be moved upstairs to the apartment. I think Patrick, Matt, Gabe and Jeff moved it and Pop supervised. It was kind of hilarious and a little terrifying watching them struggle with it but they got it done and Patrick was anxious for the apartment to be finished. Less than a month later he was gone. 

Driving up here I was very aware that it was my first time coming here without him. The road is very windy and it’s a little scary if you meet another car. Luckily we made it with no mishaps. I knew that Jeff had just finished the apartment so I was excited to see it. I got tears in my eyes when I saw the sign on the door, “Pat’s Apartment”. Dina had also added Patrick’s portrait on a metal print. It was perfect!

We spent the evening enjoying good food and good company! We had a fire pit and even roasted marshmallows! When we went to bed Camille said that overnight First Friday was the best!

I’m so blessed to be surrounded by so much family! And tonight I am enjoying the outdoor sounds AND the comfort of a foam mattress, running water and electricity! I’m very honored to be in Pat’s Apartment. I wish he could’ve seen it. But Camille summed it up perfectly, “Maybe it’s better he never saw it because then he would have left us to move up here!” Which is exactly the kind of thing her father would have said! 

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Saying goodbye

I had almost forgotten that there was another significant date last year. The day we said goodbye. The funeral.

I’m a night owl and although I should be asleep I checked the Facebook “On This Day” feed right after midnight. I’m sharing the posts with you as another example of the love that surrounded us and held us up when it was time to say goodbye. 






The picture is from our honeymoon cruise.



The band logo, designed by Patrick (and most of it hand drawn).











Ruth is a former co-worker who lost her daughter in a car crash earlier in the year.


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One year later

Patrick has been gone for 365 days. I’ve only seen him in videos and pictures. Some days it seems like just yesterday and on others it feels like an eternity. I’ve tried to share my journey with others. This is mainly for selfish reasons as I seem to feel much better when I write everything out. But I have also heard that others have found this helpful and that makes me happy.

Imagine that you are taking a walk. The weather is mostly perfect and the scenery is beautiful. As you walk you are holding the hand of the person you most want to walk this path with. Occasionally there is a hill and sometimes you stumble but your partner is always right there to help you.  You carry many memories with you and in the distance you can see many places that you want to go and you anticipate these experiences with excitement. You have the path memorized and you know exactly how to get where you want to go.

Suddenly there is an earthquake, worse than you ever imagined. A huge chasm opens up in the path in front of you.  You feel your partner slipping and suddenly they have disappeared. The destruction is so great that you can’t even see the places you had planned to go. The experiences you had dreamed of are no longer possible.

At first you feel like jumping into the chasm and looking for your lost dreams. You don’t really see any other option. Suddenly you see that there is another path leading away from the chasm. This path has not been used as often and it is not as easy to navigate. Sometimes you need help clearing the way. Parts of the path seem dangerous and frightening and the chasm always seems to be nearby. But you start to notice that there are some interesting things ahead. There are other people traveling the path and you begin to enjoy their company. They help to clear the path and point out destinations that you didn’t realize were there. This is a much different path than you had planned. You haven’t forgotten about your missing partner or the plans you had with them but you realize that they would be happy that you found this new path and would want you to continue on.

That may be a little corny but that is how my life is. I am now on a completely different path that I did not choose but it is not as awful and scary as I thought it would be. There are new dreams and hopes for the future. I feel that Patrick walks this path with me and helps steer me in the right direction. He can no longer hold my hand but he still keeps me from falling.

Over the last year I have met so many wonderful people and became re-acquainted with some old friends. I was able to leave a job that I was burnt out on and embark on a journey toward a new career. The girls and I have spoiled ourselves a bit and had some great adventures with more planned. None of us will have a future exactly like we planned but we will have a future and good things will happen. We will face adversity but we will always remember that we survived the worst thing imaginable and we can probably survive just about anything.

I will always miss my husband but I know that my story has not ended. He has provided for my future and I am able to focus on doing positive things and pursue a career where I hope to make a difference in people’s lives.

The girls are doing better than I could have ever imagined. They also miss their Dad but they are choosing to live the kind of lives he would want them to. We have pulled each other through this.

I have heard many different things about observing or not observing the anniversary of death. I can’t imagine how you would ever ignore it so we are choosing to be together, with other loved ones. We will spend the day at Shaver since he loved to be there. We may paddle the canoe around the lake or take a hike. He will be right there with us.

Thank you for all of the love and support in the last year! Keep it coming because this grief journey is not over! We love you all!