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The Days that Change our Lives

I remember growing up and hearing about Pearl Harbor, and the assassinations of John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and Bobby Kennedy. I always thought those must have been difficult days but it was hard to really grasp the enormous effect they had on the nation.

I began to understand a bit more the day the Challenger exploded. I was going to school to be a teacher and was really excited that a teacher was going into space. I couldn’t watch the lift-off because I had class and I think I was in class when I heard about it. I left school after that class and went to watch the news with Ruben, my boyfriend at the time. I was sure that the astronauts were in some sort of escape pod and would be pulled safely out of the ocean. I held onto that hope for hours before finally realizing there would be no rescue. I think that may have been the first time that I realized our nation was not as invincible as I thought.

Almost 10 years later I watched in horror as the devastation in Oklahoma City was shown. This was upsetting in a different way as I realized that there were truly evil people in the United States and world. There were other tragedies over the years but I always assumed that my generation, and the ones that followed, would never experience the fear and horror that our parents and grandparents experienced.

On the morning of September 11, 2001, I wasn’t feeling well and was still in bed and planning to call in sick. Then the phone rang and it was my sister Denise calling. She was in tears and told me that two planes had hit the World Trade Center. I turned on the news and Patrick and I watched as the terror unfolded. I felt like the world was falling apart. For a while it seemed like it wouldn’t end as we received word of additional crashes and watched as the towers fell. I spent that day and the next several days waiting for people to be rescued from the rubble. I couldn’t imagine that so many people would be dead.

This was also the first time I realized that when things like this happen, and you have people depending on you, it’s important to hold it together for them. I’m not saying this to brag, it’s just the way life is. I pulled myself together and went to work. I knew that life wasn’t stopping, people would still be calling Aetna, and my team would need to answer calls.

The phones were slower than usual, which was a blessing. At one point I left and bought a small tv for my desk and it was tuned into the news a lot of the time over the next few weeks. We were preparing for Customer Service Week and the City of Fresno was issuing a Proclamation in recognition of that. On the afternoon of September 11th I had a meeting with our HR rep to draft the proclamation. I couldn’t believe she still wanted to meet. I just wanted to pick up my babies and go home to watch the news! We got through it and I left for the daycare center. When I got there it was just like any other day. They knew they couldn’t focus on the terror and it was the right decision but it was very strange to me at the time. Things slowly went back to normal, at least as normal as anything could be. A few weeks later the mayor, Alan Autry, came to Aetna to deliver the proclamation and speak to us. He managed to take the message of customer service and tie it into patriotism. He reminded us that we were all doing our part to keep the country going. He ended by encouraging us to join him in singing God Bless America and it was very inspiring.

September 11th affected me profoundly and the world hasn’t really been the same since then. In those early days we all came together as a country and that made us all stronger. Sometimes it feels like our country will never be united like that again and that makes me sad. I wish that we could all focus on our commonalities instead of differences. You never know when we will need to come together again to get through another tragedy.

I think there have been many things in my life that prepared me for the personal tragedy I was destined to experience. 9/11 taught me that I have inner resources of strength that I didn’t even know existed. I also learned that no matter what, life goes on. People say that I’m strong and many people feel they don’t have that kind of strength. I prefer to think I am determined. Determined to keep moving forward. Determined to show my girls how to move forward. Determined to leave a legacy for Patrick. I will never forget 9/11 and I will never forget Patrick.

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The Infamous Flip-Phone

I now have the infamous flip phone and it works. I was bracing myself not to be disappointed if it didn’t but I charged it for a few hours and it worked!

I don’t know why but it has always been very helpful to me to have details of those last few days. Many people had shared their final texts with him so I didn’t think there would be any surprises. Still, I was hoping there might be something.

I wanted to know what the last texts and calls sent and received were. The last text exchange was between he and I on Monday, April 18th. They were normal texts about him dropping the bus off and me picking him up. The last call he received was later that day when Burnett’s Auto Repair called to tell him what was wrong with the bus. The next day he called me a little after 5:00. I don’t remember exactly what that call was about. And, of course, there was a missed call from me on the morning of the 20th, when I was looking for him.

There were no voice mails because he went through a lot of trouble to turn off that feature. In typical stubborn Patrick fashion he decided that he didn’t want to get voice mails. I’m sure he had a very long explanation for why and I know I knew it at one time but the memory has faded. Those of you who knew him can probably imagine that it was equal parts logical and ridiculous! All I know is that his boss and employees were probably very annoyed about not being able to leave a message!

I looked through the pictures and they were a pretty good summary of things that were important to him. I apologize for the poor quality of the pictures. I’m still trying to figure out how to get them off the phone so, for now, I only have pictures of pictures.

There were a few pictures of me.

A lot of pictures of the girls…

Sierra’s eye was bothering her and he thought she looked like a pirate.
Fishing with Camille

The girls on his 49th birthday, right before the Paul McCartney concert.

I will put the rest of the pictures at the end of this post. I also found quite a few texts in his “drafts” folder. Here is one that he was possibly planning to send out, it’s exactly the kind of gem I was looking for!!!

“Hey it’s Patrick. If you don’t know who I am please disregard this message as it’s going out to my entire address book. After much soul searching I have decided to abandon my cell phone as it has not substantially improved the quality of my life. Just another inconvenience. Anyway if you need to contact me call my wife, she loves her phone more than she could ever love any man and knows how to find me. Peace out.”

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Why would I need a smart phone?

If you knew Patrick, you know that he never wanted to be trendy. Sometimes it seemed like he was against something just to have something to debate about. He always claimed to hate his cell phone and regularly threatened to get rid of it.

I can’t remember exactly when he got his first cell phone but I’m pretty sure I bought it when he was taking the bus on a road trip. Breaking down was always a possibility and I wanted him to be able to call for help. I’m kind of amazed that I ever got him to carry it!

He really didn’t like to talk on the phone that much, unless it was to annoy a telemarketer or catch up with a relative or old friend. He constantly threatened to get rid of that phone and I told him I would just buy another one. He liked to keep them as long as possible. I always wanted him to upgrade so he could do things like take pictures and also just to make it easier to text.

Once, he went fishing at Shaver and he put his phone in his pocket. He stood up on the boat for something and the phone dropped into the lake, never to be seen again. He texted or called me from Dina’s phone to let me know what had happened. I loaded the girls up and headed to the phone store for a replacement. I knew if I waited for him he would refuse to get one!

His final phone was a flip phone. It was out of style when he got it. We liked to tease him about it and he would act offended. Then he would start in on all the reasons his phone was actually better. I’m sure he had a lot of reasons but I remember that being cheaper was one of them. Also, he bragged about how small his phone was.

Of course, if he ever wanted to know any trivia or obscure information he would say, “What are you waiting for, someone look that up”. And I would tell him he should get his own smart phone. His response? Why would I need a smart phone? I already pay for three of them!

Ironically I think he would have really enjoyed the features on a smart phone. He would have liked taking pictures and he probably would have enjoyed having better quality pictures of the girls on his phone to show people. And he definitely would have appreciated the easier texting. I used to laugh as he struggled through typing a long text. One time we were talking about sending a message to Sierra. So he starts the painstaking process of hitting each key multiple times. I couldn’t help it, I gave him a fairly long head start…then I picked up my iPhone, spoke the message into it, and hit send before he could finish. He wasn’t amused, lol.

He liked to tell everyone how awesome his phone was. He extolled the virtues of the flip phone and the fact that it folded up so small. The phone DID have internet access but the screen was so small, I’m not sure how easy it would have been to use.

The phone’s most useful feature, according to Patrick, was something that he liked to demonstrate, usually while sitting in a restaurant. He would proudly state, “How many of you can put your entire phone in your mouth?” And then he would proceed to demonstrate.

Camille was the first to point out that he made it his entire life without getting a smart phone. He would be really proud of that.

I’ve been wondering about the flip phone for two years. I knew it was evidence in the case but I never wanted to ask about it. I finally got it back in July. I plugged it in to charge, not sure if it would work but I could tell it was charging right away.

After a few hours I was able to spend some time looking through it. It was a bit of a challenge after using an iPhone for so many years. I was surprised that it had Bluetooth in addition to internet access when he used it. I turned off the service after he died so I can’t access that now. There were also several pictures of the girls and some probably don’t exist anywhere else. At some point I will take the SIM card in to see if there is a way to get the pictures off of it. In my next post I will tell you more about what I found on the phone. As I had hoped and expected, there were some gems. 😊

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First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for Clovis Unified. I watched as all my friends posted pictures. I never did the cutesy pictures. I wasn’t that organized! Seeing all of the pictures today reminded me of all of the first days and how much fun it was to watch the girls grow into young ladies. I’m glad that Patrick was there for most of that journey.

This is actually the most momentous first day of school yet for our household! Today Sierra started her first day of law school at Loyola Law in Los Angeles! We actually moved her a week ago since she had orientation last week. Then she came home this last weekend and it will be the last time for a while I’m sure.

She already had homework even before classes officially started today. I can already see a change in her. She left to go back before noon yesterday so she could do homework. She used to leave at 6:00 or 7:00 to go back to Long Beach!

Patrick would be so proud of her! She’s always been a good student but she has shown tremendous resiliency in the last two plus years. I’m happy that they both developed their father’s focus when it comes to school work. I did okay but I have to say their grades more closely resemble his.

My current class is on crisis and trauma. Today I read an interesting passage in my textbook, Crisis Assessment, Intervention, and Prevention. The authors, Lisa Jackson-Cherry and Bradley Erford, said “Successfully dealing with adversity often results in an outcome that is better than one that might have been reached without the adversity”. It seems odd to say that my girls are doing better because of Patrick’s death but I think they have each found their own way of dealing with adversity and in getting through this, they have become stronger. I believe that they consciously made this decision and are not only merely doing it because it’s what is expected. I am proud to call them my daughters!!!!

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Visual reminder

I still reach for my ring, or the spot where it used to be. I rarely took my ring off. I was always afraid that I would lose it. And I would frequently touch it, sometimes unconsciously. I never really put too much thought into why I did that. Now I realize that it was a source of comfort. I miss that.

After 18 months or so I’m surprised that it still looks like I just took it off. If you look closely at the picture below you can probably see the indentation in my finger. It’s more noticeable from some angles. I’m kind of glad that my body refuses to erase this evidence!

I know I haven’t written as much lately. There are many reasons. We spent a week in Nebraska and I started a post there and never finished it. School has been a little busy for me. I doubled up on classes for a few weeks and it just seems like I’m spending more time on it. I kind of make myself crazy. I’ll pull up 25 different articles and then have information overload! I always get it done though. I’ll finish my current class in a week and then I’m taking two weeks off!

The main reason I haven’t written? The brief relationship I had really made it hard for me to write. There’s just some things that I can’t write about. And I’m really torn because I keep meeting guys and becoming friends on Facebook with some of them. So I worry about putting things on here that might scare someone away or hurt someone’s feelings. But the whole point of this blog is to be real and share what I go through. I guess I just need to figure it out.

It just occurred to me that maybe I need to meet someone who shuns social media like Patrick did! And as soon as I thought that I could almost hear him laughing since this kind of situation would prove his point about not being on social media! Too funny!

What I will say is that dating at 50 is different than dating at 18 in SO MANY ways. At 18 you have the rest of your adult life ahead of you. I was looking for someone who wanted the same things in life, someone I could raise children with. Now, it’s just different. There are things that matter less and things that matter more. And it’s a little more practical in some respects. It seems like just enjoying spending time with someone would be enough, but there’s a lot to consider. I guess I could sum it up by saying that Patrick and I created our future together. My future is now changed but some of it is still there. And the men I date probably have their future planned out. So you have to find a way to merge those rather than starting from scratch. I’m not sure if that makes sense but that’s the best way I can think of to explain it. And it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be!

So, I still need to write about Nebraska and also Patrick’s phone. Plus there’s a lot more coming up. Stay tuned…

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The Elephant in the Room

When you lose someone unexpectedly, especially with an element of tragedy, you become the center of attention for a while. This is a strange feeling and not really the kind of attention most people are hoping to get. In the first weeks after Patrick died, it was really pronounced. People felt so helpless and they would jump at the chance to do something. This was good since there were times when I wouldn’t have eaten if someone hadn’t put food in front of me. The girls noticed it too. Sierra commented about it and said she felt like she could ask for just about anything. She even joked a little and said she felt like she could ask for something random, like a lint roller, and someone would get it. I shared this story and the next time her Zia Jenn came over she brought her 3 or 4 lint rollers. All joking aside, it’s really not the kind of attention we were looking for and it was good when things got back to normal. And now, we focus a lot more on the good memories. But, it’s a sad story, and inevitably it’s going to come up many times when you meet new people. It’s always a little awkward. You want to tell people who are new friends but you know it’s going to make them sad. I don’t want to minimize the impact but I also want people to know that we are doing well. So I always try to find a quick way to explain that this horrible, life changing tragedy happened but it is no longer the center of our existence. I’m not sure if that even makes sense. I just think it’s one of those things that will always be awkward. Last Saturday, my sister Denise and I went to hear her friend’s band play. She ran into a lot of friends while we were there and one came to sit at our table. I’m not sure how it even came up but Denise told him that I was her sister who had lost her husband. It was just a footnote in the conversation but of course it changed the entire direction. The friend jokingly scolded Denise for bringing up such a sad topic. This is always funny to me because there will never be a time when someone makes me remember that I’m a widow, i always know. Denise set him straight and told him we talk about Patrick all the time and she knows I am comfortable with it. And again, I think the guy was just teasing her, but I think it’s just so funny that death is such a taboo subject. People just aren’t sure how to handle it. I also don’t want it to appear that I am bringing it up for them to feel sorry for me. I know that’s kind of inevitable but at times I almost want to apologize for making people feel bad. I know that’s silly but unfortunately it’s just our culture. We all see the elephant in the room but we think maybe people will forget he’s there if we don’t mention it. Really? It’s an elephant!I know I don’t speak for everyone who has lost someone but I think, in general, it is better for everyone if we acknowledge that death is a part of life and so is grief. I will never forget Patrick and I’m going to occasionally be sad about that. That’s just the way it is.

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This is Distracted Driving

I held my breath as my brother, Denny, opened the back of his SUV. He had told me that it wasn’t as bad as he expected, but still… Suddenly, there it was, the bike that Patrick had owned for most of our marriage. The bike that he rode through all kinds of weather. To work, for exercise, towing a bike trailer to pick up the girls from daycare. So many years. So many miles.

My husband seriously had the body of a Greek god. He was a fanatic about working out. I never noticed a bit of fat on him, not even a beer belly, though he definitely would have earned that. He was a faithful Catholic but working out was his second religion. I know I’m repeating myself but I can’t tell you how ironic it is that he died while working out. Ironic and unfair. And so preventable.

The front half of the bike looks the same to me. Well-worn but definitely Patrick’s. I notice the seat and laugh. No self respecting cyclist would put their rear on that saddle! But Patrick was the anti-cyclist. He didn’t need all of that fancy stuff. Just two wheels, pedals and maybe some gears. In cycling, his ride would be referred to as a “beater bike”. He did occasionally commandeer some of my gear, like the expensive headlight with the external battery that apparently didn’t survive or wasn’t found after the collision.

The rear wheel looks like an accordion. Exactly what you would expect when a car runs into it. I stare at it for a minute and then turn to bury my head in Denny’s shoulder.

There are also three envelopes, all marked with evidence tape. I open the envelope with the phone first. I take it out and it doesn’t look familiar. I’m surprised that it’s unfamiliar and then I see that it says Verizon and I realize it’s not his phone! In the same instance I realize whose phone it is and I quickly stuff it back in the envelope. Hopefully they still have Patrick’s phone. The second envelope is a water bottle. I wondered which bottle he had taken but I never took inventory. I suspected it would be one of mine and it was, a bottle from America’s Most Beautiful Bike Ride at Lake Tahoe. The last envelope was a part of his reflector that didn’t look at all familiar, just a random item you might see on the side of the road.

Denny takes pictures of the bike and sends them to me later. I will add them to this blog after I’ve had a chance to warn people. In one there is an illusion of a normal bike since the tire has retained its shape outside of the twisted wheel. I comment on this to Denny and he says “rubber holds its shape, like a memory of what it should still look like”.

This is the result of distracted driving. It doesn’t matter what the distraction is. When you are distracted enough to run into a person on a bike, or walking down the street, or in another car, the result is the same. The driver did not have alcohol in his system. He clearly had meth in his system but no one really seems to know how much meth is too much. How much meth does it take to make you impaired? According to California there is no clear definition for drug impairment. Personally I don’t think you should drive when you are impaired by any substance. Maybe someday the law will agree.

I firmly believe that meth and other activities interfered with this driver’s sleep and ultimately he fell asleep at the wheel, which is also distracted driving.

So, do me a favor, in memory of Patrick and the countless individuals who lose their lives every year, if you are too drunk, or high, or sleepy to drive, get an Uber or Lyft. Call a friend. Walk home. Do NOT get behind the wheel. And when you do, put your phone down and pay attention to the road. Don’t make someone else experience this.

We are hoping to use the image of his bike to spread awareness about all kinds of distracted driving. Stay tuned.

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Ups and downs of life

Camille has wrapped up her freshman year at UC Davis. She did well, loved the experience, and made new friends. This time last year I was terrified of letting go and I know she was a little apprehensive too. I’m so happy that she loved her first year there. Patrick would have been very happy about that too. And, of course, I really miss him at times like this.

He would have been excited to hear about her year and even more excited to have her home! And he would have loved UC Davis. I’m sure he would have wanted to take his bike and ride around campus with her. And he would have made the moving so much easier!

As I was driving to get her, I had some random flashbacks of the day he died. For some reason I was thinking about different family members and what it must have been like for them. Matt, Patrick’s younger brother, was always the baby of the family. On that day I gave him one of the hardest tasks. Early on, when we knew, but not really, I asked him to go pick up his parents. I didn’t want them to get a phone call so I asked him to just go. Matt was very close to Patrick and that must have been really hard. I think I probably knew it was a lot to ask, but I also knew he could do it.

I don’t know why thoughts like that randomly pop into my head. They make me incredibly sad and I can’t always show it because it’s just hard to explain. Luckily it doesn’t happen often, and it’s not unbearable. It is just part of my life. So I’m kind of used to it and I don’t stay sad for long.

Sometimes other random things happen. Several days ago I had a missed call from a blocked number. I didn’t even think about who it might be. A year ago, or two years ago, I would have known it was possibly the police, or the DA. But not now. Then yesterday I got a call while we were in the middle of moving Camille….

The detective was calling and he wanted to know what I wanted to do with Patrick’s bike. I didn’t even know they still had it. I think I wondered at first, just like I wondered about his phone, and maybe the police report, or the autopsy. But I never asked. If I asked, then I would have to make a decision, so I just never asked. And then suddenly, there I was, being asked about the bike that he had owned for possibly 20 or more years. The bike that was a huge part of his life. The bike he died on. The call kind of took my breath away. One thing I have learned is that I don’t have to make immediate decisions. I asked a few questions and then told him I would need a few days. My gut said I should let them destroy it. But I knew I couldn’t make a snap decision. It was just so weird and unexpected. I did finally ask about the phone, his ancient flip phone. I saved the charger but it may not even turn on. If it does, I’m not sure what will even be on it, but I do want to see. And it kind of has sentimental value.

I asked for feedback from the Option B Facebook group and got some good suggestions. Some suggested it might be closure. Others told me that I shouldn’t let an object hold any power over me. Finally, my brother asked if he could pick it up. He’s going to do something with it to raise awareness, which is a great idea.

And now, I have both daughters home for a few months. We have some fun trips planned and I know it will fly by. Then I will be living alone for the first time in 27 or so years. I enjoyed it the first time, but I usually saw Patrick on the weekends. I think I will enjoy aspects of it now and I also think I will have a lot of things to keep me busy. For now, I’m just going to enjoy my summer with the girls!

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Another chapter ends

Writing has become such a big part of my life. I haven’t written much because it’s hard to reconcile how to continue writing a blog about your late husband while dating someone. Really, the blog isn’t just about Patrick, it’s about my life after, and I need to keep that in mind. I don’t think I’m done telling my story.

The new relationship has ended. I did the ending but that doesn’t mean it was easy. And I really don’t want to write too much about it except to say that I don’t regret any time I spent with him and I wish I could have made it work.

Dating is so much different at this age. When Patrick and I met we were in the “planning your future” stage. We planned it out and that’s pretty much how it happened. Now I’m not even 100% sure what I want. I have another year of classes left and then eight months of practicum/internship. I don’t think I am going to completely know what my future will look like until after that.

And I’m figuring out that I am pretty set in my ways. I have my routines and familiarity is comfortable to me. It’s funny because so many people tell me how strong I’ve been. Sometimes I wonder about that. I mean, I wasn’t able to go back to work. I know so many widows who didn’t have that option. I’m grateful that it worked out but I do question my strength. And a little part of me worries that I will fail at counseling. I think it’s probably ok to be a little nervous about it but I do hope I made the right choice.

I still feel overwhelmed at times and that’s when I fall back on my routines. Most people around me know that homework is due every Saturday, Monday, and a big assignment on Wednesday. Sometimes life throws a wrench in those plans and I get cranky and stressed. So I realize that maybe this wasn’t the best time to be in a relationship. And probably I should just focus on school for now. I don’t know. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be but it sucks to hurt someone you care about. Right now I’m really sad about that.

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Two Years (and a few days)

I wanted to write something to mark the two years that have passed. At first I had no words. Then I started and never finished.

We had a great weekend in Davis at Picnic Days and on the 20th we were happy and together. I took a few pictures over the weekend that I wanted to share. We were walking around Friday and one of the first things I noticed was the Phi Delta Theta house. When I saw a second sign, I made everyone walk back so I could take a picture of the house! Lol

The second thing I noticed was a book. Patrick used to always tease us by saying, “You suck!” But he always followed it with “love ya”. I had no idea there was a book with that title!

Then I thought it would be cool if we saw a street musician. I saw a guy standing with a guitar but it seemed like it would be too posed. So the first actual street musician I saw was the banjo player, and I thought that was perfect!

https://www.danellt9.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/img_1448.mov

The next day I noticed exactly one fraternity in the parade, and of course, it was Phi Delta Theta.

Here are a few other pictures followed by my reflections on the two year mark. I got to see my girl playing intramural volleyball and soccer. He would have enjoyed that!

I can still remember waking up that morning to silence. Silence, then surprise that I did not hear him in the shower or moving around downstairs. Concern, but not panic. I had no idea. It’s so odd thinking about the moments before your world changed, and the moments after. Before. After.

My life with Patrick before that day was so much longer than the two years that have passed since then. Maybe that’s why it seems like such a small amount of time. Just a fraction of my life. What will it be like if i live another 30 years or more? I think it will still seem like it’s been forever yet just yesterday when I saw him last.

The second year was harder in some ways, easier in others. The fog lifted and reality set in. I missed having my person but I spent less time crying and made more memories with the girls. He missed awards and honors, two graduations, and multiple college acceptance letters. The girls are truly his legacy and I know he is beaming with pride. I also ventured out into the dating world and have opened up my world to the possibility of sharing my life with someone else.

I would love to not carry this grief around with me. But I don’t regret loving him. I would do it again, even knowing the tragic outcome. I have loved with every ounce of my being. Rest In Peace my wonderful husband. You made my life complete and your memory continues to enrich it.