Tag: grief

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Patience – 1/21/17

This was originally published on 1/21/17. I still have a lot of blogs to transfer over from Tumblr but I needed this as I am going to reference it in another entry I am writing today!

“I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.”

Margaret Thatcher

The leader of my widow support group challenged us to pick one word for 2017. The instructions involved putting a little thought into it and I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it. With school work and all I didn’t really want another assignment. I thought it might take too long to figure it out, but then it came to me, “PATIENCE.”

This might seem like an odd choice for me. In some ways I am a very patient person. I also sometimes have a need for instant gratification. This is the reason I liked gambling so much, in fact, too much! Last year the girls and I spoiled ourselves a little so I had a lot of instant gratification (not gambling though). But we can’t live like that forever.

Patrick has been gone nine months today. Most of the time I wish I could travel back in time to spend more time with him or relive happy memories. I know that is not my reality so the rest of the time I wish I could fast forward to a time when the grief is not so bad. I know it will never go away but I have heard it does get somewhat easier and that’s where I want to be. The thing is, I have also heard that you can’t hold it in, you have to work through it. So that’s where patience comes in.

“No, no! The adventures first, explanations take such a dreadful time.”

Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

I need to accept that everything takes time. I can’t blink my eyes and be laughing and smiling all the time, I need to be patient. I want to be in better shape and lose weight. That won’t happen overnight and if I want to develop good habits, really lifestyle changes, I need to be patient.

I’ve talked about all of the different things I want to do to get organized and I know I can’t do them all at once. I have already been exercising some patience by just accepting that I will get things done as I get them done, it’s not going to happen overnight.

Patrick was much more patient than I am. I’m pretty sure that I probably tried to convince him that we should get married sooner but he stuck to the plan. Maybe the long (to me) wait for the proposal was a little lesson for me, be patient, good things are to come.

I think we could all use a little more patience in life. One thing I like about my new workouts is that we don’t spend too much time on any one exercise. So even if it is something I hate, or I am really tired, I know I just have to hang in there for a bit longer and then we will move on to something else. Patience is knowing that if you keep walking through the darkness, eventually there will be light again.

As hard as losing Patrick has been, I know I will experience joy, happiness and love again and again in my life. It’s not going to happen overnight, so I just have to be patient.

“Patience is power.
Patience is not an absence of action;
rather it is “timing”
it waits on the right time to act,
for the right principles
and in the right way.“

Fulton J. Sheen


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Working through the pain

The pain is almost unbearable at times. I try not to think about it but even the simplest tasks have become hard. Why am I so weak? Why am I so out of shape?!

I love having “good” pain for a change. Okay, I really don’t love the pain but at least I know there will be a reward. I have been inspired by several friends to join Urban Block Fitness. I’m doing a 6 week challenge and working out every day at 7 AM. Did I mention I am NOT a morning person? I picked that time slot to join my friends Craig and Linda Crews. So far I haven’t cursed at them but I get my boxing gloves on Thursday so who knows what could happen?

The workout is unlike anything I’ve done before. It’s a lot of different strength and cardio activities and honestly, except for the pain, I am really enjoying it.

I’m also trying to change my eating habits so I am using Juice Plus, inspired by another friend, Alicia Marzette. Wow, I’m like a commercial!

I’m doing this for me but also for the girls and especially for Patrick. He always loved me, no matter what. And he told me I was beautiful at times when I didn’t feel good about how I looked. But I know he worried about my health and I owe it to him to take better care of myself. I know I can do it. I’m competitive and I may not look like it now but there’s an athlete somewhere inside of me!

Patrick and I both ran Varsity Cross Country and Track in High School. He ran for Hoover and I ran for Clovis High. We were probably at many of the same meets but we never met until after our first year of college. I tried to continue running but just didn’t have much discipline. Really I stuck with running so long because I liked being on the team. I wasn’t the best runner but a few times I was able to score points for the team. I made lifelong friends and my coaches had a big impact on my life. In fact I probably would have never met Patrick if I didn’t end up working for John Prandini, who is Carlo’s brother.

Over the years I tried different things while Patrick consistently did the same things and was always in good shape. I joined gyms and he rode his bike to work. I quit gyms and he rode his bike to work in the rain. We tried jogging together but he was too serious about exercise and He would literally start running circles around me. When the girls were young we would put them in the stroller and go for long walks. That eventually stopped when they got too big to stay in the stroller but too small to walk with us.

I’m embarrassed to admit this but when we were first married I recorded 3 ½ hours of Soaps each day. I watched Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, As The World Turns and Guiding Light. We decided to buy some kind of stepping or gliding machine so I could do cardio in front of the TV. And guess what? I quit watching Soaps!

After my hip replacement in 2006 I was more limited so we got a recumbent bike. I like having it because it was a great place to hang clothes after doing the laundry. By this point Patrick rarely rode to work because he worked too close and it wasn’t enough of a workout. So he would get up and either run or ride his bike then shower and take a leisurely ride to work or just drive there. He trained for and ran two marathons but he didn’t understand the need to make such a spectacle out of it so he mostly just ran around the neighborhood.

In 2008 he and the girls bought me a mountain bike for Mother’s Day. And I finally found something that I enjoyed. After a few months of riding I began training for a Century Ride and eventually bought a road bike. I did well with this at first but I got to the point where I thought that if I rode 30 or 50 miles I could eat whatever I wanted and that didn’t work out to well.

No matter what, he kept working out. He was in perfect health, never sick and he died riding his bike for exercise. Due to the circumstances, we didn’t even have the option of donating all of those healthy organs. This occurred to me days later and it really made me sad.

I still have my bikes. They are gathering dust. I’ve ridden a handful of times and maybe I will ride more someday but I just can’t do it right now.

We’ll see how I do with my latest venture into exercising. He would have been pleased but probably skeptical. Hopefully, for once, I can stick with it. If I can just get through the pain!

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Growth rings – 12/9/16

Originally posted on 12/9/16:

Yesterday I started working on my afghan for the first time since Patrick died. I am using an infinity loom and technically it is knitting, which I don’t know how to do without the loom. I bought the loom when I was recuperating from surgery in early 2015. It took me the rest of that year to finish. I decided midway through that it was for Cathy. She is always cold and the color I had chosen was one of her favorites. I finished her afghan on January 1st of this year according to the date stamp of the picture I took of it. I started my afghan right after that and so far I’ve done about 4 inches so I have a long way to go.

I chose really soft yarn that is multi-colored with deep pinks and purples. I like the loom because you don’t need to count each stitch. On Cathy’s afghan, I alternated stitches and did an entire row at a time. For mine, I chose a basket weave pattern and it’s kind of a pain! Four knit stitches and then 4 purl stitches repeated throughout the row. You do three more rows exactly like that and then you switch the order. You end up with little four by four squares of the alternating stitches and it is pretty but it takes focus and I haven’t had much of that.

 

Eight months later and I have no idea what row or stitch I was on. I remembered that I made notes so I was able to figure out which stitch sequence I was on but I had no idea which row and that’s a problem with this pattern. After agonizing over it I decided I was just going to pick where I thought I was and if it resulted in imperfection, so be it.

Maybe my afghan will be like the growth rings on a tree. Nice and orderly and then a shock to the system. For trees, this could be a fire or drought. For me, it is the upheaval of my life when Patrick died. I decided that even if it was imperfect I would eventually get back to a set pattern and the afghan would be a reminder that I kept moving forward despite the shock to my system.

 

Everyone always tells me how strong I am so I must be missing my calling. Clearly, I am a good actress! The girls both got back to their old routines relatively quickly and I am still not working. Younger people are pretty resilient but I am still proud of how well they have done! I try to be careful about what I post about them, especially in my blog, but I am going to make an exception and be a proud Mama for a bit!

 

Both of my girls received communication from teachers this week that spoke to their ability to weather this tragedy and not only function but excel in their schoolwork. Sierra’s occurred when she turned in a final assignment. Camille’s was via comments on letters of recommendation she received from several teachers. I also had a chance to read several essays Camille wrote for scholarship applications. Out of respect for their privacy, I will not post the specific essays/letters or comments but I am really proud of both of them!

 

Today I am 49 years and 8 days old. This is significant because Patrick was 49 years and 7 days old on the day he died. All of those years that I joked that he would always be older and now I have passed him up. It’s a strange feeling that I will continue aging and he won’t. I’ve said from the beginning that Patrick hated the thought of getting old. I imagine that he is laughing a little at the thought of me passing him up and if there’s any solace it’s the fact that he does not have to experience old age or any of the physical problems that come with it. I, on the other hand, will continue making growth rings. I hope that each year I cover up more of the scars from 2016. They’ll never be completely gone but time will lessen their impact.

 

As I got ready to put away my afghan for the night I remembered that I DID actually have a way to track the rows. I had been using a row counter and when I searched through my bag, there it was! I was working on row 32 prior to April 20th. This conflicted with what I had determined and I should have changed my pattern at the end of that row. Instead, I continued for two more rows so now I will have 4 by 6 boxes instead of 4 by 4. I’m sure I could pull out the two rows and fix them but I think I will leave it the way it is. The imperfection will serve as a reminder that this was a bad year but there will be other years.

I will grow stronger, never the same, but on the path to all of the blessings I know I will experience in future years. Just like a fire can devastate a forest, 2016 has devastated me. This devastation will always be a part of my history but I have the opportunity to make new, healthy, growth rings and that’s what I choose to do.

Update 8/16/20 – The funny thing about this post is I still haven’t finished the afghan! When I finally DO finish it there will be all kinds of growth rings!

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Kind of lonely – 12/4/16

8/16/20 – I have never finished moving my Tumblr posts to this blog. Bear with me while I catch up!

One of the hardest things to deal with these days is loneliness. Not the “I’m alone and have no one to hang out with” kind. I miss having someone who loves me. Someone who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. I miss having someone who will hold me if I need to cry. I miss having a husband. I miss MY husband. Unfortunately, this is the kind of lonely that can’t be filled right now.

I am not interested in meeting someone new at this point so let’s not even start those discussions. I do have the capacity to love again but I think I would be very, very picky. I was always grateful that I didn’t have to experience much of the “dating” scene and I still don’t have any desire to do that. I’m thankful that I have connected with a lot of fellow widows. Some are friends who lost their husband before I did. Some are new friends and some of those I have never even met in person. They “get” it.

The nice thing about knowing so many is that they are all at different points. Some are even remarried. I feel hopeful when I see that they have moved forward and are able to function. That is comforting. Some days I wonder how I am even able to go on without him. Seeing others who are moving forward gives me hope.

Every day I am surprised that I still have such raw feelings. I can go for longer periods feeling relatively okay and there are a lot of times I even feel happy. Still,  I am randomly assaulted with vivid memories. They don’t have to be anything major. Today Matt taught me how to massage some of the swelling out of Camille’s ankle. As I was doing it she casually mentioned times that Patrick had also done this. In a way it made me feel close to him but I was also incredibly sad that he was not here to do it.

My birthday ended up being mostly okay. I was really sad early in the day and I decided that I would give myself permission to mourn. Not that I haven’t been mourning but I try not to do too much at once. I allowed myself to cry a little and that was good since it tends to build up. Later in the day, I got flowers from Sierra! I had worried that at some point someone would send my flowers at a time when he might have. And I really didn’t like the idea of “sympathy” flowers. Getting them from Sierra was perfect and it was a nice surprise. I really do have awesome kids and I will always be grateful for that.

I had a nice dinner with my family. I thought Denise and I had an understanding about putting candles on the cake and singing. I failed to request that she not have the musical act and the ENTIRE restaurant sing to me. Lol. Someday revenge will be mine!

Today I saw an online ad for a new kind of wine stopper. I immediately thought of Patrick. I may just need to order some as surprise gifts for people. They would think of Patrick immediately. Did I mention that they were called the “Happy Man” wine stoppers? 😂😂😂 He definitely would have ordered them to go with the “special” lighters. As Patrick’s wife, I am responsible for keeping the memory of his crazy sense of humor alive. Consider yourself warned. 😜😜😜

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Another difficult day – 12/01/16

Originally posted on 12/01/16.

Today was a really hard day for me. We had our second court appearance. I’m not supposed to go into a lot of detail about the case. Although I wonder how much of a difference it would make since the potential sentence is already so small. Let me just say that the whole legal system is complex and sluggish. Nothing happens quickly and there are always surprises. Each step of the way something new comes up that affects the way I feel and right now I don’t even know how to feel about the whole thing. Since it is a misdemeanor case it is done in a busy courtroom with a lot of other issues going on at the same time. They usually do ours first, probably since we have so many spectators. A lot of the people sitting around us are there for their own cases and I’m sure they want to clear us out of there to make room, which is fine. While we were waiting I glanced to my left and a young lady gave me a warm smile and a nod. I later found out that she was part of the defendant’s family, maybe his wife. I’m not sure if she knew who I was but I kind of think she did. I choose to interpret the look as some sort of gesture of compassion. With that and other things that were being discussed I just felt that there was no point in being there. Nothing that is happening there will bring Patrick back and I really just wanted to be somewhere else.

The other hard part is that I’m not the only one hurting. I was trying to keep my tears inside but if I looked around I could see the pain in everyone else’s faces. I hurt for me. I hurt for Sierra and Camille. My heart breaks for Barbara, who is sitting next to me. And everyone else there. So much pain.

After the hearing the DA takes us into the cafeteria to answer questions and discuss the next hearing date. As different family members speak there are more tears. And suddenly I realize this is what has become of my marriage. For 24 years Patrick was the closest person to me. We shared everything that was happening in our lives. Decisions, plans, dreams… His life was mine. It’s really hard to put this into words but it suddenly felt like this tight little circle was broken. I don’t want this to sound like I don’t want others to care or that anyone is upsetting me but this whole situation kind of steals the intimacy of our relationship. I’m not even sure if that makes sense but it was just how I felt today. And I just didn’t want to be there anymore.

Later in the day I went to Camille’s first soccer game of the season. I’ve been anticipating this for months. Last season was really exciting and will always be a special memory for me. And the girls and their families have shown us so much love and support that I was really happy to be around them all again. But I also felt Patrick’s absence. I wanted to share the excitement with him and I kept imagining things he would say. And Camille is still having ankle issues. She was fine today but her ankle is constantly swollen. Zio Matt is now her physical therapist and he has been giving her instructions and even checked in with her last night. But when I saw how swollen it was I just really wanted her dad to be here and in charge of making it better. He took such good care of her and you just can’t duplicate that. She has coaches and trainers but it is just not right that her dad is not here. She was able to play the entire game and they won 4-0. Three goals were scored by two freshmen and one was an “own goal”, an error by the other team. So the outlook for the season is great!

I realize that it is now my birthday and you are probably feeling sorry for me that I am so sad on my birthday so let me tell you about my gift. I bought myself a 2016 Ford Edge!!! It is the nicest car I have ever owned and the first one I bought on my own! It is used which means I was able to get all the great features at a decent price! I bought it from my friend Craig Crews at Enterprise Car Sales and I highly recommend checking them out if you are looking for a car. I’m still learning how to use all the technology but after the cold at the soccer game, I really enjoyed the heated seats! This isn’t a car that we would have ever bought together because we usually just got the basics but I feel like he would approve in light of the circumstances.

I also got my Aetna-subsidized Apple Watch in the mail yesterday. I’m still learning how to use that as well. I figured out that you can actually answer the phone and talk to people with the watch! Patrick was fiercely anti-smartphone but he always said that he would get one when they made a watch phone. This wouldn’t completely qualify since you still need the phone with you but I think he would have been intrigued. And he would have mocked me endlessly! I’m going to sleep now and try to dream about all of the ridiculous things he would have said. I sure miss that crazy guy! 💗💔💗



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New holiday memories – 11/30/16

Originally posted on 11/30/16

Today I have the post-vacation blues. I have been looking forward to our Thanksgiving trip for months and it was everything I hoped for. We all had a great time and really enjoyed being together but I knew it would never be long enough. Ending vacation is sort of a lesser type of mourning. You make big plans, anticipate all of the fun things you are going to do and wish it could last forever. When it’s over you mourn but thankfully only for a short time.

My life with Patrick was the best vacation ever. We made lots of plans and anticipated how much fun we would have. Most of our plans worked out but we didn’t quite get to do everything we wanted. Sadly we can’t make plans to “go again”. There are no do-overs when someone dies. This is where I pause briefly and remind everyone to embrace life and live it to the fullest. Do the things on your bucket list. Life is much shorter than you think!

Like my trip to Santa Cruz, this trip brought back a lot of memories. Now that I think of it, that may be why I chose to hang out at the Inn for the most part. There are a lot of places that might have been painful to see. When we were driving in I was trying to remember my last trip there. We passed the Kon Tiki Inn and I remembered that we stayed there for our 23rd anniversary. We had a great time in spite of the fact that I came down with a sinus infection. We had planned to go back and take the girls. I had forgotten that there was one more trip. We were in Cayucos for Mom and Pop’s 50th anniversary. We drove over to go to the Great American Melodrama in Oceana. We highly recommend it if you have never been. Joe took Patrick there on one of their birthday camping trips. Patrick loved it and thought it would be fun for the whole family. On our way we stopped in Shell Beach and met Dad and Kandra for dinner. So many great memories of that trip too! I just tried not to get stuck in memories as we passed all of these places.

We might not be able to do another trip exactly like this due to the cost but I plan to investigate and see if there are other places with similar capacity. The trip was fun for everyone and an outside observer probably would not have been able to determine where the Boyles family ended and the teNyenhuis family began.

Today we celebrate my mom’s 75th birthday and a few days later Camille’s first soccer game of the year. In between is another trip to the courthouse for a preliminary hearing. I would really like to avoid that but of course, I will be there. Hopefully that chapter will be wrapped up soon.

I found out that I do have job protection and I have been approved for early retirement. This will be a great relief and I feel like once I am past that I can start making plans for the next few years. I probably won’t work while I am receiving severance but I’m thinking of doing some volunteering. I have always said I wanted to do volunteer work when I retired so I am going to sign up for a few things that will either bring me joy, be good experience for my career in counseling or both. I am also looking forward to being able to attend every single soccer game for Camille. They are returning as undefeated section champs and I can’t wait to see what they do! I will miss Patrick at the games (although maybe not his very loud criticisms of the refs). 😂 Last soccer season was a really exciting time and will always be a great memory for Camille, Sierra and I. This season will be bittersweet but I know Patrick will be there in spirit, I will think of him every time a parent gets a little too obnoxious and I will feel his pride each time Camille has a great play. I’m looking forward to some serious soccer fun! Go Timberwolves!

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Senseless – 11/21/16

Originally posted on 11/21/16. Reposting to observe the one year anniversary of Ron’s death.

Life is really unfair. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. These are really inadequate things to say when someone has died tragically. But most of us are at a loss for words when the unexplainable happens. Saturday night my best friend’s dad walked across the street to get the mail. On his way back across he was hit and killed. Why? Why? Why?

I met Cathy Stebles in fifth grade. Over the years I got to know her entire family. Her parents, Ron & Charlene, were like second parents to me. I spent a lot of time at their house on East Herndon. Ron was one of a kind. He had a really dry sense of humor and he always had us laughing. He had his own unique expressions. During high school he would ask us if we had “Met any lumps lately?” He was referring to hunks but of course he needed to make up his own word for it.

He raised his 3 daughters and 1 son to be independent. They learned to drive tractors before cars and had to be able to change the oil and tires on their cars if they expected to be allowed to drive. A lot of his little quirks were really smart. If he were driving us somewhere he would buckle his seat belt and say, “One”. Everyone knew this was their queue to count off as they buckled their seat belts. “Two, three, four” we all recited. This way he knew all the kids were in the car and safely buckled in. I felt like one of the kids and he and Charlene always referred to me as one of their other kids. Once we were adults I didn’t always see them a lot but when I did they were always very nice and made me feel part of their family.

Ron owned an auto shop called Speed Unlimited and he mostly worked on Volkswagen’s. When Patrick bought his VW bus he began taking it there when he needed work done. When you own a 1971 VW bus you get to know your mechanic really well! Patrick and Ron had a similar sense of humor and enjoyed their frequent brief visits. I also got to see Ron more often than I would have since I spent time transporting Patrick from the shop to work and back again. I am grateful that I had these extra opportunities over the years.

I don’t recall the exact dates that Ron retired and sold the shop but it was after we moved to Clovis. Ron introduced Patrick to Burnett’s and they worked on the bus for the rest of Patrick’s life. When Patrick died I was concerned about notifying them. The bus had been in the shop that same week and I wasn’t sure if they had seen news reports. Cathy talked to her dad and he agreed to stop by and notify them. Ron and Charlene attended Patrick’s funeral service. This was a little bit of a shock to me since I wasn’t aware of another time that Ron attended any kind of church service. I would describe Ron as a devout atheist. The fact that he sat through a Catholic funeral mass meant the world to me and made me realize how much he loved Patrick and I.

I saw Ron again at his grandson Matt’s graduation. Matt graduated with my nephew, Anthony. Cathy had an extra seat so I sat with the Stebles/Lamb family to free up a seat in the teNyenhuis section. The last time I saw him was at the Cougar Foundation BBQ in September. As always I received a big hug. He called me “Kiddo” and reminded me that I was always “one of the kids”. I’m grateful for these last few brief visits.

Ron’s sense of humor lives on in his grandsons. I have always been reminded of him when listening to Michael or Matt talk. I will chuckle and tell Cathy that they are definitely his grandsons.

And now my heart aches for Cathy, Charlene, Marilyn, Denise and Mike and all of the rest of the family, especially the grandkids. I know their pain only too well and it breaks my heart that they have to go through this. Ron lived a long, rich life. He was supposed to die, years from now, of old age. Some will say that at least he didn’t suffer. To me it is even more senseless that someone his age would die tragically. The fact that it was 1 day short of seven months after Patrick died is just crazy.

Cathy was my Rock when Patrick died. I can never repay the support she gave me. Now our roles are reversed but I am not happy that I am returning the favor. It’s not fair that she is going through this! I don’t understand, but I know that I don’t always get to know why things happen. I am hoping that Patrick was able to welcome Ron with open arms. I know that Ron would disagree and I really don’t want to disrespect him but I truly believe he is in heaven now. I just wish I could hear what he has to say about it! You know it would be good!

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Shaw Avenue 11/16/16

This was originally published on my Tumblr blog, which I’ve been slowly moving over. The picture was taken on 4/23/16 during a family walk to get us out of the house. My siblings and I are standing with our childhood home in the background. Denny, Dawan, Me, & Denise

The holidays are quickly approaching and I want to run in the other direction. Back to April. Back to last November. I am just so unprepared for holidays without him. At the same time I am really looking forward to January because that will mean the holidays are over.

I really don’t spend my days crying. I promise. And most of the time I am okay but it really doesn’t take much for the thoughts and pictures to start scrolling through my mind. If I go anywhere during the day I inevitably end up driving or crossing Shaw. I can’t really avoid it.

It’s crazy how much of our life is tied to Shaw. We both worked on Shaw. One of my elementary schools is on Shaw. We met a few blocks from Shaw. We opened our first checking account on Shaw. Fresno State is on Shaw. I spent four years of my childhood in the big house on the corner of Shaw and DeWolf. And he died on Shaw, a half mile away from that house. I have now driven down that section of Shaw 3 or 4 times. I only go there when I really need to let it all out and I don’t have to do that very often.

Ironically some of my best and a few of my worst childhood memories are from that house on Shaw. We moved from a tiny 3 bedroom house to that house and I think we all thought we were rich! A lot of the time we had our own bedrooms and somehow the 6 of us survived with 1 bathroom. I don’t even know how that was possible! We had all kinds of animals including a horse, a steer, goats, rabbits, ducks, geese, dogs, cats and pigs. There was always something to do. One time the pig had 13 piglets. They were cute when they were little. I remember one day I sat in the pasture and played with them. Later that day I was on the porch when they decided to go for a walk. Across Shaw. As I watched a car sped through their pack. All you could hear were squeals of pain. I ran in the house screaming. I was so upset I couldn’t really articulate what had happened and my parents thought one of the other kids had been hit. Miraculously only a few died. One had a broken leg but my mom had a splint put on it and it recovered just fine. We laugh at that story.

Another time I was getting home from school on the bus after track practice. There was an almond orchard surrounding two sides of our property. I saw Denise and Denny jogging along the orchard and, a little further, I saw that someone had left a few piles of clothes in the orchard. The bus stopped across the street from my house and the bus driver got out and let me cross the street. Suddenly, I saw a strange man with my brother and sister. He looked kind of crazy and seemed to have his arms on Denny. He asked me to get my parents and told me he had hit two men. We later found out that the tragedy began when a girl was driving by our house, pulling a horse trailer, and hit our Saint Bernard, Morley. Since she had the horse trailer she didn’t want to stop so she went home and told her dad and uncle. They lived less than a quarter mile away, on the opposite side of Shaw. Her dad and uncle drove over to tell us. For some reason they decided to park across Shaw instead of pulling into our driveway. I think the sun was low in the sky as they crossed. The driver never saw them. They were thrown into the orchard and killed instantly. I didn’t realize that I had seen them. Our dog was injured and my parents had him put down. What an awful day! This was forty years ago and I still remember almost everything about it.

How ironic that Patrick would ride past that house and a little way down the road his life would also end tragically. I didn’t really think about the fact that people lived near the accident site and would now be forever tied to this tragedy like I am to the one forty years earlier.

Today Camille went to Subs and Grubs for lunch. She used her phone to call in the order for herself and 3 others. As they went up to pay, the owner asked which one was Camille. She told her she recognized the name from caller ID. She pulled her aside and told her she lived out on Shaw and had been praying for my family. She didn’t charge Camille for her lunch. Such a small, crazy world! What a nice and unexpected gesture! I continue to feel the love that surrounds us, some of it from people we don’t even know. This is such a horrific experience but we are very blessed that so many people care about us and continue to do anything they can think of to help us. I know that I will survive the holidays. I will be surrounded by family and we will keep moving forward. There’s really no other way to go.

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The Amazing Auger – Originally posted 11/13/16

I had a small victory a few nights ago. I unclogged the toilet! I know, who cares? I’m learning that there are a lot of things that I AM capable of doing and now I can add unclogging toilets to the list. My parents must be so proud!

I once woke Patrick up from a deep sleep to kill a bug. Ok, it was at least once but less than 10 times. My point is that I probably exaggerated my helplessness a little. Not necessarily intentionally but the end result was him taking care of a lot of the difficult things. I used to wonder why he even put up with me. Now that he is gone I am really beginning to realize how much he loved the girls and I. I always knew he loved us but I understand it more now. And I have a firm belief that love like that just doesn’t disappear. I can still feel it and I know he is always in our hearts.

The crazy part is that I am beginning to love myself more. I think I’ve always been a little hard on myself and maybe I thought I didn’t deserve him. But now I feel more confident and I think all in all I am doing okay.

So, back to the clogged toilet… As you may know, Patrick liked to solve problems and he was usually convinced that his way was the best. When I was growing up if the toilet was clogged, you got a plunger and unclogged it. When I got married I learned that if the toilet was clogged, Patrick would fix it. Unfortunately, it didn’t always happen when he was home. And we didn’t own a plunger because an Auger is the best thing to use to unclog a toilet! So, not much sticks to a plunger but an auger has all these metal parts and I think it’s kind of disgusting. Part of it is rubber and that part is supposed to protect your toilet but there are scratches in my toilets. And Patrick denied making them. Still, I would get the Auger thing and try to make it work. Maybe he showed me how to use it. Maybe several times… I don’t know why but I couldn’t really get the darn thing to work. Sierra eventually learned how to use it. I finally bought a plunger. When the toilet clogged earlier in the week both Camille and I tried the plunger, multiple times, no luck. So I got the stupid Auger and somehow it finally clicked. I used it the correct way and it immediately unclogged the toilet. It’s the greatest thing ever! 😂😂😂

In the last week, I finally managed to part with a few things. I threw his toothbrush away. I got rid of socks and underwear because I had no sentimental attachment. And the girls and I went through his t-shirts and each picked some to have made into blankets. He had a lot of t-shirts so there was more than enough. I’ve also set some aside for different family members. And Matt picked up the VW bus today. I’m so happy he has it. As he left I realized that selling it would have been like losing a part of him again. He loved that bus and I know he would be happy that Matt has it.

I have discovered that it feels really good to declutter. I’m doing a little bit at a time. I have a housekeeper now so that keeps me motivated. When your life is chaos you find order wherever you can. I haven’t always kept the cleanest house but it improves my mood so it is well worth the investment.

Tonight we attended my cousin Bob’s wedding to Christine. I was touched that they included Patrick when they remembered family members who were no longer with us. I am so happy for them and I know they will be great together.

Life moves forward and I can’t be left behind. I miss Patrick every day but I also have good days. Thank you all for your continued support!

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Cross Two More Off the List – Originally posted 11/7/16

This has been a week of second firsts for me. The week was also a hard one for me and I’m never quite sure why some days are harder than others. I haven’t been able to write all week so I’m not sure if I had writer’s block because I had a hard week or if I had a hard week because I couldn’t write anything.

On Halloween, I picked up Papa Murphy’s Take-N-Bake pizza to take to my mom’s. I realized after I got it that this was another unexpected “first”. We used to have pizza once per week. His favorite was BCs pizza but he felt they could be a little pricey so we wouldn’t get that all the time. When I worked in the office I would pick it up on the way home with instructions to call him when I did so he could preheat the oven. And when I got home I was usually greeted with a thank you and a kiss. He appreciated me and I appreciated him. Getting pizza was such a normal, routine thing but these are the kind of things I remember and sometimes they hurt the worst. Just the day to day interaction and knowing you were loved and appreciated. I just think of a typical night like this and I am filled with love, happiness, and unbearable sadness.

People always tell me that I am loved by many and I know and appreciate that. But there is still a hole in my heart that may never heal. I have a lot of romantic memories of our relationship but I feel the loss intensely when I remember the little moments of each day.

When I started working from home last year, Patrick made it a habit to come upstairs and give me a kiss when he got home. I was usually secretly annoyed since the afternoons were almost always quiet times and I was usually in the middle of something that required my full attention. I wanted to tell him that I was still working and just pretend I wasn’t there. Fortunately, I never did. I miss those interruptions now.

The other second first was going to a wedding. Erin is the mother of Sierra’s close friend, Olivia. They have been friends since second grade! Olivia is like one of my kids and Erin and I are friends as a result. Erin is quite a bit younger than me and has always been a single parent. She is very independent and did just fine on her own. She raised a wonderful daughter! And now she has met the love of her life, Matt!

I was worried that the wedding would be hard. I declined to attend a wedding over the summer because I didn’t want to be a distraction if I got emotional. I cried at the wedding last night. Tears of joy! The wedding was beautiful! Their love was apparent and I am really happy for them! I also attended with my girls and my nieces and we had a great time!

So I was doing pretty good today. But I have been stressed about possibly going back to work. Today I decided to check my disability status and my recent reconsideration request was denied. So I believe I will have to go back to work to qualify for early retirement. Everyone has told me that it’s only for a few months and I keep telling myself that too but honestly I wouldn’t be off work if it wasn’t difficult to be there.

The difficult part about my disability is that it is hard to prove. And the last two times I was taken off work due to my mental health, my employer denied my disability. The state covered it both times. This includes the time I was off after Patrick’s death. I did get five days of bereavement leave. I had to take vacation time the day of his funeral and four days after and the rest ended up as unpaid leave. I didn’t stress about it. I had other things to focus on.

If I had a heart attack or a surgery and was going through rehabilitation my doctor could fill out a simple form to certify that I was disabled. For mental health, it is a longer form with a lot of questions. I thought it would be easier this time since I am actually seeing a Psychologist but apparently, her opinion doesn’t matter.

So I’m questioning myself and wondering why some people can go through something like this and go right back to work. Am I less of a person? The thing is, I probably could go back to work at a different type of job. I am functioning in many ways but, for whatever reason, I can’t bear to go back.

I have worked there for 22 years and I was married to Patrick the whole time. I have had a lot of ups and downs at work and he was always there to encourage and support me. Four or five years ago I went through a very difficult time there and he has pretty much hated the thought of me working there since then. Someone asked me today what he would say to me. I feel that he would just tell me to do what I needed to do. He would be okay with whatever decision I made. I’m sure on the inside he would be thinking it would be better financially for me to keep working but he would never put that pressure on me.

So I am going to sleep on it. Pray a little. Hope for a sign or the strength to just make myself do it. If you hear that I ended up walking away from an early retirement package, please don’t judge me. I’m going to do whatever I need to so that I can keep moving forward. I might make mistakes and I might change my mind. That’s okay. I know I am doing the best I can and I really just have to get through one day at a time.