Posted on

Everything has changed

I was driving today and it occurred to me that every single thing I was wearing has been purchased after Patrick died. This included the watch, the ring on my right hand, and even my purse and phone. Even the car I was driving was purchased "after". Such an odd feeling. I know I look at least a little different too but he would still recognize me. Still, it takes a long time for things to change this much.

In the last week or so I finally got around to taking his name off joint credit accounts. Honestly it wasn't a huge priority for me. I didn't realize that he was the primary cardholder on some of them. A day or two later an Amazon order didn't go through. After finally calling the company I realized that removing his name actually closed the account. I only had a small balance because I use it to get reward points and pay it off each month. I had to listen to a long disclosure explaining how I wasn't responsible for the charges. I finally interrupted to tell them that I just wanted to pay it off and reapply in my name. I guess I have been committing fraud all this time.

I'm still learning new things about being a widow. I probably should have changed everything over a long time ago but I basically did the necessities and then have dealt with others when ready. I am actually lucky in this respect as some widows don't have the luxury of letting things sit like that. For many widows, losing their husband has a terrible financial impact. Those whose spouse had long illnesses have used up any savings to pay for medical bills and loss of income. Many couldn't afford life insurance. I am grateful that Patrick could and it has at least made things a little easier. When the accounts were closed I realized what a bind that could potentially put a widow or widower in if they suddenly lost access to credit accounts.

I decided it would be a good idea to run a free credit report on him. And I COULD NOT remember his social security number! I couldn't believe it! I've had that number memorized for years!! I know it was just a momentary lapse but it was another reminder of how much has changed. Luckily there were no red flags in the credit report.

I'm sure there will continue to be changes but hopefully they can continue to happen gradually. Change can be good but it's also comforting to hold on to some of the familiar.

Posted on

Twenty-five years later

I had technical difficulties last night but my site is back up and secure. Still learning about web hosting and blogging! I added a bit to the story!

Twenty-five years. A lifetime ago. A lifetime lived between then and now. 
I married Patrick on June 27, 1992. I remember that it was a beautiful day with clear skies! My dad took me to breakfast while a lot of people worked to decorate the Retired Teacher’s Hall where the reception was held. 
Later I had a manicure, pedicure and my bridesmaids and I all had our hair done in up-dos. I’m an 80’s girl so it had to be sufficiently big hair! After that we drove to the church, Sacred Heart. I remarked to my sisters that I was surprised that everything was going so smoothly. Dawan laughed and said, “Yeah, no problems, nothing like ants in the favors or anything!” And this remark went right over my head. I was having a perfect day and it didn’t occur to me that Dawan was serious. 
The favors were actually metallic paper that I had taken to the teacher center and used the die-cut machine to cut into the shape of a bag. Inside the bag was netting filled with M & M’s. Half of them were assembled in our apartment which apparently had an ant infestation. Someone painstakingly opened all of the bags to check for ants. If you were there 25 years ago and ate the M & M’s, I apologize!  
Basically nothing was going to interfere with this day we had waited almost 6 years for! Everything came together beautifully! 

Tomorrow I will probably be able to watch a little more of the video than I did last year. I try to remember the joy that I experienced then and the next 23 years and almost 10 months. I thought we would be married for many, many more years. I looked forward to celebrating a lot more milestones. 
I always felt that we had a good marriage but at the same time I wondered how I got so lucky. I was sure that I didn’t deserve him. I know that now I tend to remember the happiest times. There were plenty of those but he annoyed me with his snoring, I spent too much money and I’m sure there were many other things that bugged him. Still, I was hopeful that we would always be together. 
At some point after he died it occurred to me that we had truly lived our marriage vows. We were faithful and we took care of each other until death parted us. I’m so grateful that we had that.
I was thinking today that it is so unreal that when he died I was no longer married. Just like that, in the blink of an eye. These are the kind of thoughts I have. 
On this anniversary I will try my hardest to spend my day filled with happy memories with some distractions mixed in. He would want it that way. 
Twenty-five years. A lifetime of love. Never enough but I am grateful for the time I had. ❤️❤️❤️

When I posted this story my friend Dawn shared a memory from the wedding. When it was time for me to toss the bouquet I threw it from a stage. The ceiling had some sort of recessed lighting ledges and that’s where it landed. It may still be there! I found this picture of Gabe on a ladder looking for it. The best part is Pop (Patrick’s dad) standing nearby with a bouquet which he immediately put together as a replacement. He’s handy like that! 

Today turned out okay. The girls and I went to the gym for our usual double workout. Then we came home and swam and tanned for a bit. We are working on our base tans for vacation! It’s a rough life! Matt and the kids came by, I did some homework and I finished the day with a trip to Mickey’s Yogurt since they have oatmeal cookie gelato right now. Not a bad day! ❤️❤️❤️

Posted on

What if we never met? – 10/9/16

This was originally posted on 10/9/16. The picture I have added is all of the teNyenhuis grandkids.

Last night I was completely exhausted from a day of moving my mom and Ernie. I woke up at 5:30 after sleeping maybe 3 hours on Friday night. Last night I should have slept like a log. Of course, as usual, I woke several times during the night. This is kind of my new normal. Just to clarify, this doesn’t mean I wake up crying and in emotional pain. Patrick is always in the back of my mind but the pain seems to be a little better most days. When I was awake last night I started thinking about something that I thought about a LOT at first.

When the pain was the most intense there were times that I prayed for amnesia. I just wanted to not remember. And I considered if it would be better just to go through life kind of happy rather than experiencing the extreme pain of losing Patrick. I’ve been told a lot that “most people” don’t experience the kind of love and happiness I had. What if I didn’t have that? Of course I always shut down this line of thinking because I would not have my two precious daughters if I never met Patrick. And of course I wouldn’t want to erase my time with him. My life was better because of it.

My life was incredibly enriched when I met Patrick. Mom and Pop are the best in-laws anyone could ever have. They truly consider me their child and I am so blessed to be a part of their family. Dan is like a big brother to me. He brought Amy into my life and even though they are far away I cherish our relationship. Gabe was always around during the college years when Patrick was away and he looked out for me. I consider him Camille’s surrogate father for education and I think he’s as proud of her as Patrick would be. Jennifer is a kindred spirit and I love having her in my life.

And Patrick gave me my own little sister, Dina. I love her so much and I understand my sisters wanting to protect me from the pain I’m going through because I wish I could take away Dina’s pain. She was extremely close to Patrick and when she married Jeff he found an outdoorsy buddy. Jeff and Dina were always ready to go fishing, hiking or just drink beer with Patrick!

When I met Matt I think he was 10 years old. So I’ve known him for a big part of his life and Patrick was always proud of him. In many ways he was truly Patrick’s best friend. I’ve always been close to Tina too. Like all of the siblings Matt chose well!

Getting together with the whole family was always a special time. Holidays were always busy but we always agreed which family we would spend time with, BOTH!

And that is just the tip of the iceberg since the family doesn’t end there. There are numerous nieces, nephews, cousins, etc and my life is richer because of all of them. I do still get extremely sad at times and when that happens if I start to wish that someone could just take away my memories I think about all that I would lose with them. I wouldn’t give up the memories or my family. Love you T-9-house family!❤️

Posted on

The Lost Art of Writing – 9/28/16

Originally posted on 9/28/16

I found something else when I was searching in the garage. I found a box of things from high school and college. I am a sentimental person so I save a lot of things like that. The box mostly had certificates and sports award programs. A lot of stuff from my years of Cross Country and Track at Clovis High. There were also writing assignments from high school and college, poems I had written and some free form journaling. What surprised me is that I had forgotten how much I used to write!

In high school I spent a lot of time journaling or writing poems if something was bothering me. I think I continued this at the beginning of college. I met Patrick in the summer of 1986. He was home from UOP for the summer and I was on summer break from Fresno State. We began what would be a 6 year, long-distance relationship. Back then we did not have cell phones or email. Long distance calls could be very expensive and we were broke college students. So we sent each other a LOT of cards and letters!

I am eternally grateful that I have this written history of our early relationship. Right after Patrick died, when I was still in a semi-state of shock, I began reading through these. I would read a few at a time and I was sorting them into two ziplock bags in case the girls ever choose to read them. One bag is labeled PG and the other has a warning as they might not like the content of those.😉 As the shock began to wear off, I had to put them away. Some day I will read the rest but right now it’s just too hard.

As I read through them, it occurred to me that I would have enjoyed reading through them with Patrick. I think it would have been a great way to reconnect and reminisce. I have said this before but I repeat it often. I think one reason relationships fail is because the early days are so exhilarating but it is not like that forever. Your love matures and you become more comfortable with each other. When the “honeymoon” period is over, a relationship becomes something that you have to nurture. You can’t take it for granted. There’s going to be give and take and it’s not going to be as picture perfect as your courtship and honeymoon. We always seemed to find ways to rekindle that but I wish I had thought of the letters.

And the letters were not all hearts and roses either. One letter from Patrick was a heart breaker! He had been dating another girl at UOP and when he initially returned that first year he was torn between the two of us. In the letter, he told me that he loved both of us but was choosing her over me because he didn’t think he was capable of a long-distance relationship. I, of course, knew better and we all know how that ended! I truly had forgotten about this letter but it did not upset me to read it. That was part of our story and after that I was always confident in our relationship.

I know that people have been saying this for decades but I feel that writing is a lost art. We are all bombarded with constant communication. My children interact with their friends way more than I did but much of it consists of short text conversations, Snapchat stories and other social media posts. That doesn’t mean they are not close but when they eventually start having serious relationships (after age 30, lol) I hope that they also take time to record their thoughts and feelings in something more permanent than a text.

I challenge each of you to take the time to send a card or letter to someone you care about. It doesn’t need to be long, just let them know how much they mean to you. As I thought of this last night I wrote each of the girls a letter. And by wrote I mean I typed it in a document on my phone and emailed it to them. I’m a modern mom, right? I told Camille what I was doing and my thoughts behind it all. She said she would refuse to accept it if it wasn’t handwritten. I sent it anyway. I hope she forgives me. If I had waited until I found a card or stationary and then had to actually write it might have taken forever! 😊

The pictures below are pictures of a card Patrick sent me when I moved into our first apartment, shortly before we were married. This pretty much sums up how excited we were to be done with the long-distance relationship! I have so many good memories and I am thankful that I was blessed to be his wife!

Posted on

Gratitude 9/4/16

Yesterday I noticed the calendar on the side of my fridge out of the corner of my eye. Patrick liked to have it there to record important dates. I record everything on my phone and never use the calendar so I had a sneaking suspicion that it was probably on April and I was right. I thought that made perfect sense. In a lot of ways time stopped in April and it’s hard to move past what happened. On the other hand I have realized that I have a lot to be thankful for. I never want to say that anything good happened “because he died”. There is really nothing positive about the fact that he is gone. I guess a better way to put it is that in addition to all of the sadness, I’ve experienced a lot of good since he died. 

I am extremely grateful for my family. The whole huge extended Boyles/Hatch/teNyenhuis/Prandini clan! I have 3 siblings and over 20 cousins. Patrick had 4 siblings and over 30 cousins! And they are all very close families. As you get older it is harder to keep track of everyone’s growing families and you just don’t spend as much time together. Now my immediate families have almost merged. Sierra and Camille used to have trouble keeping track of everyone. In the days immediately following the accident as we spent time with extended family they regularly quizzed me about how everyone fit in. Now they have a really good handle on it and have told me how much they enjoy seeing everyone more often. We have been having extended family get togethers on the first Friday of each month. Family was very important to Patrick and we all agree that he would be very happy that we are spending more time together. 

The girls and I have also learned a lot about how Patrick spent his days at work. He was very well loved by patients and co-workers. I was particularly surprised at how many people “got” his crazy sense of humor. He did drive some of them crazy and I’ve enjoyed hearing those stories too! I could really commiserate with his office manager Jennifer who tried to keep him in line during the day since I wasn’t around to do it. We knew he was good at his job but I am so happy that my girls now have so much evidence of that. 

Sierra, Camille and I have discovered inner strength that we didn’t know we had. Camille was a rock and went back to school the week after the service. She finished her school year by excelling at her AP tests and doing extremely well on the SAT. Basically she did exactly what her dad would have done. Sierra became my protector and sounding board. In the week after the service we went back to Long Beach to move her home. While there she interviewed for a spot on the Moot Court team and was selected. The CSULB team is very successful and she will get to travel with them to tournaments, including one here in Fresno. This will help her as she prepares to apply to law school. 

I have found an increased sense of confidence. For years I have felt that I failed at teaching and didn’t always feel I had purpose at my current insurance job. I really would not have thought I could get through something like this. I have discovered that staying calm in a traumatic situation is actually a strength I possess. I am currently researching how I might use that in a future career. I am beginning to make plans to return to school, probably in psychology or counseling. This was not in my plans at all prior to this and it’s a little exciting! 

I also continue to appreciate the fact that I had close to 30 years with this wonderful man! Many people don’t ever get to experience the kind of relationship we had. When I start getting sad I just try to pull up one of the many, many happy memories I have and that usually gets me through. 

Every day is still really hard but I am really grateful that there are occasional bright spots!