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He kept things running

I am finally free from the boot! Now I am learning to use my foot again. I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay to walk normally. I declined physical therapy, for now at least. Basically I just need to use it and exercise. But, I miss my in-house physical therapist. 💔

I realize more and more all of the little things I took for granted. I have done some silly things lately. If he were around I can imagine him telling these stories at work. I would expect him to. Silly mistakes were fair game in this house!

The Sprinklers – “Danell bought the “smart” sprinkler timer. If it’s so smart, why didn’t it know she accidentally turned it off in October and didn’t water the lawn for two months?”

The Thermostat – “If it’s so “smart” why does it need batteries?” Batteries died and I froze for two days before figuring it out!

The Air Filters – I can’t think of a joke he would make about this but I’m sure he would think of one! I was so happy the first time I changed them because he had a new set in the garage, AND I took a picture of them so I would know what to buy the next time. The date stamp says this was in July of 2016. I didn’t think about them again until last week when my sister was helping my mom change hers. Air filters? Oh yeah, that’s a thing! Oops!

Today I finally put all of the Christmas stuff away. It is all stored in the Harry Potter room under the stairs that he made by cutting a door in the wall. Last year I carefully fit it in while humming the Tetris music. If I ever complained about the dishwasher being too full or no room in a cabinet he would remind me that I loved Tetris and he would start humming the song. I usually didn’t laugh… I laugh now though and he would be proud of how I fit everything into that closet, especially since some of the boxes need to be held up while you shove other ones beneath them. This is not easy since the door is about 3 feet tall! I had to wait until the boot was off to finish this for obvious reasons.

I also finished organizing at least part of the garage so I could reinstall the fence system he designed to keep Aggie from running out when the door opened. I’ve been meaning to do it for months so Maisie could use the dog doors. It made me smile putting it up, knowing he had created it.

And I finally took down the work boots and shirt that hung just inside the door. The work boots are worn and probably need to be thrown out. The shirt I will probably save. So many memories of my big, strong husband wearing it while he took care of the yard and so many other things.

Life gets easier as time goes by. I’m trying to carry on like he would want me to. But I have a newfound appreciation for all he did. And it makes me miss him even more. He was one of a kind!

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Cherish

Last year I started a tradition of choosing a word for the year. For 2017 I chose patience. I think it was a really good word to choose and it was applicable to a lot of different parts of my life. A few times it reminded me to slow down and not rush into things. But I still need more patience so I may need to work on that one for the rest of my life! For 2018 I wanted a clean slate.

I thought it would take a lot of time to choose a word. I set aside some time to think about it and the word cherish just came to me within a few minutes. I think I’ve used this in my blog previously but not as my word of the year. I like that it has several meanings and a lot of synonyms!

Cherish means to protect and care for (someone) lovingly. I especially like this word because it makes me think of how Patrick cared for the girls and I. Anytime I drove somewhere without him he would tell me to “drive safe” because I was “precious cargo”. When we became parents he expanded this to include the girls. I also used this word to explain to one of my daughters that I hoped for her to find a man who would cherish her because she deserved nothing less.

Cherish also means to hold (something) dear. This makes me think of all the memories and traditions associated with Patrick. I will always cherish them!

The last definition I found is to keep (a hope or ambition) in one’s mind. This one reminds me of the goals and plans that I have for my life and the importance of fulfilling them.

For 2018 I want to remember to cherish everything in my life. Although I have experienced a profound loss I also have a lot to be grateful for and I want to cherish that. If I am cherishing life I feel that I am acknowledging that it is precious and I need to enjoy every bit of it, including everyone who is part of my life.

I also want to be cherished. This may seem like a no-brainer. However, when you are alone and lonely, it’s not always the first thing you think of. I know I am cherished by friends and family. I have felt the constant love surrounding me since that awful day last year. But I am also beginning to realize that this will be one of the qualities I look for as I date. I want to find someone that I cherish who also cherishes me. I realize that it will be very easy for me to settle for less than that and I want to remember that it’s important that I don’t.

Finally, I want to cherish who I am and what I do in my life. I need to have a meaningful life! I’m still thinking about my Village of Support idea but the timing hasn’t been right for me. So I will focus on other things I can do.

I like picking a word of the year because it will remind me to check in with my goals regularly. Feel free to share your “word of the year” in the comments!

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Christmas Morning

My family has a tradition of spending the night at my sister’s house every other Christmas Eve. Last year I was grateful that our first Christmas without Patrick coincided with that tradition. This year was our first Christmas morning without Patrick. I tried not to make a fuss because I didn’t want everyone hovering or checking on us. I knew we would be okay.

This Christmas was filled with old traditions and new. Since shopping was a little more challenging due to my broken ankle, I put the girls in charge of buying stocking stuffers for each other and they also bought some for me. I wasn’t surprised when I found out that Sierra actually did all of the shopping! We opened presents then had our usual cinnamon rolls. Later we went to Notre Dame hall for the annual Prandini Christmas get together. As usual, the raviolis were delicious!

Last year it was really hard being there without him but it was easier this year. Matt had Patrick’s bus running and brought it for everyone to see. The girls and I sat in it for a few minutes and then Zio Matt let Camille drive it. Her Dad would have been really happy about that. It was a good day.

I’m keeping this short since it’s late but I wanted to let everyone know that we had a good day. We thought of Patrick and smiled. He’s always in our hearts!

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Let There Be Joy

And the birthday celebration continues! I just got back from an awesome trip to Disneyland with my best friend Shelly, her daughter Abby, and Sierra. I know, Cathy is my best friend. Fortunately I have enough love for two best friends!

I don’t see Shelly as often now but we worked together at Aetna for 24 years. I was sitting next to Dave when he proposed to Shelly. I rode the party bus to Vegas for their wedding, we both had daughters in 1999 and she suggested the name Camille for my daughter. We’ve had a lot of fun together over the years!

She was also here to support me the day Patrick died. In fact, when she arrived it lightened the mood when I introduced her to someone as my best friend and then looked up to see Cathy looking right at me. It’s been an ongoing joke since then. For the record, Shelly has several other best friends too!

Shelly’s birthday is one week after mine so my original plan was to celebrate my birthday at Disneyland with her. Then I planned my party and I just decided I could have more than one celebration. I usually don’t make a big deal out of it but I have to admit it’s been fun!

When I broke my ankle it almost derailed the trip but I ended up renting a scooter and we went anyway. Shelly brought decorations for my scooter and Abby made sure we both had Happy Birthday buttons. So we spent several days being greeted with “Happy Birthday!!” We also got two special desserts! Zoom in to see the Christmas lights and sign on my scooter!

Shelly and Abby are what I would call Disney Superfans! They knew the best way to go through each park and were a lot of fun! The scooter was a bit of a hassle but I would have been miserable any other way.

I can’t get over the contrast between holidays last year and this year. I know that grief is different for everyone, but for me, time has helped. I still miss Patrick and think of him every day but I also give myself permission to feel joy. And, aside from the pain of a broken ankle, this has been a pretty joyous few weeks for me. Last year I felt like I was constantly holding in the tears and I don’t feel that way anymore.

Sometimes I will suddenly remember something and it will be a little jolt. I’ll be honest, when that happens it would be really easy to just curl up in a ball and cry. I know that no one would fault me. I didn’t choose for this to happen but I can choose how I go forward and I choose as much love, laughter, and joy as I can find. I will still allow myself occasional tears or pity parties but I don’t want to live like that all of the time.

The holidays are a great time of year so let there be joy! I think we could all use some!

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Cheers to 50 years!

I almost made it to age 50 without ever breaking a bone. When I think about it, that’s actually kind of a miracle because I’m really a klutz! At least I made it through my party before it happened!

I’m turning 50 on December 1st. I guess I like birthdays alright but I never really felt like I “had” to have a party. This is a milestone though and I wanted to think of a way to commemorate it. So I decided I wanted to spend it at Disneyland. I love Disneyland and Patrick really didn’t like it as much as I did. So I planned for Sierra and I to go with my friend Shelly and her daughter Abby. I made reservations and we were all set!

Then Sierra reminded me that she is taking the LSAT on December 2nd! So, going to Disneyland right before that? Probably not a good idea. So we had to move it back a week.

In the meantime we went to a Halloween party thrown by Pamela Henri. I get massages at her house and she has this awesome barn with a stage and all. An 80’s cover band played at the party and as I danced I decided that this was how I wanted to spend my birthday. I knew it was a little extravagant but I also knew it would be a blast. So I planned a 50th Birthday Bash!

Everyone felt bad that I was planning my own party but I enjoyed doing it. And honestly, everyone else did most of the work on the day of the party. We had Luna’s Italian food, an awesome dessert bar and plenty of beer and wine. I got semi dressed up and felt stylish in my high heels, which I don’t wear very often!

I danced the night away! And although I danced a little enthusiastically and might have taken my daughters down in a collision with the stage (and Pamela, who was singing), no one was injured! At the end of the night I was driven home and walked upstairs to take off my heels and put my not-so-stylish Croc slippers on. On the way back down my foot slipped and pain shot through my ankle. I was fairly drunk at the time so the fact that I felt any pain made me realize it was not good.

I put ice on it and wrapped it but didn’t get much sleep. I went to urgent care today and an X-ray confirmed that I had a fracture.

And of course I miss my physical therapist! Cathy took me to urgent care and picked up crutches for me afterward. She helped me get settled at home and Sierra will help me too. But it’s not the same. There’s no one else that I would ask to pull me up off the toilet or really any of the undignified things about being injured. I know he would have made jokes about it all but that’s part of the reason this makes me miss him! We got through many situations with humor!

I’m told that a break is an easier recuperation than a bad sprain so hopefully it won’t be too bad. And it’s not like there is any shortage of PTs among family and good friends, but I miss MY PT.

I am glad that it happened after the party. I had so much fun celebrating with family and friends! It made me so happy to be around so many people I love for a happy occasion! I have a lot to be thankful for! I’ll try to focus on that instead of my foot! Lol

PS. Here are a few toasts from the party!

Sierra’s Toast

Dawan, Denise, & Dad

Cathy’s Toast

Mom teNyenhuis

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Timehop

Have you ever done the writing assignment where you take a random picture and write a story about it? This picture reminds me of that. To the casual observer it’s a pretty odd or random picture. I looked at it and thoughts just poured out of me.

I only recently downloaded the Timehop app. I regularly check Facebook’s “On This Day” feature to see what I posted. Timehop checks all of your social media and your camera roll. This was just a random picture and you might wonder why I even took it. 

Obviously the original focus was on the dog. My sister’s dog, Toby, has spent a lot of time here since she has had jobs that require her to travel. So I have a habit of sending her pictures when he’s being funny or cute. I saw the picture in my Timehop and started to scroll to the next picture before I noticed the rest of the picture.

I’m sitting on my bed with one leg stretched out. I clearly have some sort of issue with my foot. You might think it’s sweet or affectionate that Patrick is rubbing my foot. But, if you look at his hands you will see the hands of a Physical Therapist. He’s applying pressure and manipulating my foot. I don’t remember what was wrong, definitely something minor. He was probably just thrilled that he had to work on it, but he never said no. And, it wasn’t a tender foot rub I’m sure! Sometimes his therapy was painful, but he was very good and he always fixed whatever issue I had. 

Toby thought he would just make himself comfortable right in the middle of this! I’m sure I texted the picture to Denise to show her. And I usually don’t delete the Toby pictures so I managed to capture this random moment that has so much meaning to me!

This is what Love looks like! October 25, 2013 was a Friday. I’m sure Patrick had worked all week and was ready to relax. But he took a few minutes to take away my pain. He might have grumbled but he always took care of me. I know I drove him crazy at times but he was always right there. This captures so many moments of my marriage and I am so glad that crazy little dog made this possible!

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Love them!

When I started working at Aetna 23 years ago I noticed something odd. A lot of the women I worked with complained frequently about their husbands and many also complained about their in-laws. I never understood this. I’m not saying my husband was perfect but I certainly wasn’t going to complain about him at work. And let’s face it, I really didn’t have much to complain about.

A lot of credit for the man he turned out to be, goes to his parents, Andre and Barbara Ann (Prandini) teNyenhuis. They raised five children. The fact that they survived the first three is kind of a miracle! Patrick turned 1 just two short weeks after Gabriel was born. Daniel turned 2 the following month. So they had three in diapers at the same time! And then Dina was born a few years later but they weren’t done yet, Matthew arrived a few years later.

I met Patrick after they moved out of their Ashcroft house but my understanding is that they added on to their master bedroom to create a dorm style room for the boys. I’m not sure that I would have been happy about giving up my master bedroom but Mom and Pop made it work. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must have been to have so many small children at once (and I thought two was a lot of work)!

Mom and Pop not only raised those five children, they got them all through college and they all became successful, independent and happily married. They are all really great people to be around and I’m happy to call them my family.

I have awesome parents of my own so I wasn’t necessarily looking for another set (lol) but it became clear early on that my in-laws were very special. I remember Mom laughing with me about crazy things Patrick did and I always reminded him that she said if we ever split up they were keeping me. I may have imagined this but I’m sticking to my story.

Many people also complain about the fact that they “have to” split up holiday events between families. I was fortunate because it was important to both of us to be with both families and we did our best to make that happen whenever possible. My favorite holidays have been the ones where we had some combination of our families together.

I have contact with a lot of widows both in person and online. I regularly hear horror stories about interactions following the death of their husband or just the fact that the relationship ended with the death. I am so happy that I only have good stories to share. They have always loved me but I have felt it even more as they supported me through the death of their son. They remind me regularly that even though we may not talk every day, they are always thinking of the girls and I and they always love us.

Yesterday I got to spend the day on Shaver lake celebrating Mom’s birthday. I won’t tell you which one. We got to celebrate Zia Becky’s birthday too. I am so grateful to be part of this family! Happy Birthday Mom!

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Young Love

I often wish I could relive the past 31 years. I know this is a common wish. If only I could go back in time, make different choices, etc. But I just want to relive it! Savor it! Enjoy it! If I could do it I would only make one change and that would be to make sure he never left the house that day.

Being young and in love is so much fun! I highly recommend it. Right after Patrick died it was a lot harder to be around couples. Now I am at the point where I can be a little more happy for them. Still a little jealous but mainly happy! I especially enjoy seeing couples in the early stages of their relationships and marriages. My nephew, Dustin, is getting married next month. We all love Jenna and we’re really happy for them. I’m so excited for them because I remember what an exciting time it is!

My cousin’s son, Kenny, is expecting his first child with his wife, Trish. I attended their shower last weekend and it brought back a lot of happy memories. Having a child with someone you love is the most wonderful thing in the world and I’m so happy they get to experience that!

Last week I went to a concert with my daughter Sierra, my niece Caitlin, my friend Linda, and my sister Denise. I went mainly because I wanted Sierra to experience live music, in a small venue, like we used to do. Patrick wasn’t always there so it’s not so much a romantic memory but more of a nostalgic one. We were all having a good time. The young girls were near the dance floor and the rest of us were in the balcony. Linda and I were standing next to a young couple, sharing a table with them. We started talking to them and they were so cute! I’m really mad that I can’t remember their names! Hers was really cute, something like Carly but more unusual? His might have been Robb.

They were a good looking couple but it was more than that. They were having a great time together, really comfortable together. They probably thought we were a little creepy but we were just enjoying talking to them. We were surprised to hear that they had only been dating a few months and both were in Fresno temporarily. As he went to get a drink she told us how much she really liked him but that it probably wouldn’t work out since they were leaving. She did mention that they were both from Illinois. I told her if it was meant to be they would find a way!

Admittedly, Linda and I are both kind of romantics in our own ways. Our marriages ended differently but we are both hopeful for the future. And yes, we might have been in a good mood because of the beverages we had! Lol. But, this couple seemed to have a special little spark. And we told them that if you are meant to be, love will find a way! Maybe not those exact words, but we were both really rooting for love!

Before they left I wrote down my phone number and website (I know, I’m a Creeper). I told her that if they DO end up getting married to let me know and I would do something special! I will probably never hear from them again but wouldn’t it be a great story if I did?

So, here’s to young love! Enjoy it! Savor it! Remember it! By the way, I don’t have permission to post these pictures but I will take them down if asked! Yay to love! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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Village of Support

My mind didn’t let me believe it right away. My heart knew that Patrick was gone but I also knew that I was going to have to wait for confirmation. As the shock settled in, the first thing I thought was, “My house is a mess!” I realize that people don’t care about these things at times like this but I knew, without a doubt, that a lot of people would be in my house that day.

When you are born into the Hatch, Boyles, Prandini or teNyenhuis families, you know that family is everything. I am so lucky and blessed that ALL of our extended families are pretty similar when it comes to caring about each other. Family is extremely important. And “family” is a loose term because all of these families are known to “adopt” anyone who starts hanging around, lol. One of the things that these families do best is support each other. So, when I realized Patrick was gone, I also knew that I would be encircled in love and support. I only actually told a few people, but spreading the word is also a given for all of these families. As I sat in shock that morning, the “Village” of my family sprang into action. Calls were made and plans established to ensure that we were taken care of that day and the days that followed. For the first few weeks my job was to just get through each day. There were people to take care of anything. I was overwhelmed with love and gratitude.

Since then I have often reflected on the amazing amount of love I felt during that time. People always tell me how strong I was but how can you not be strong when you have so much support? Since then I’ve watched other people go through similar experiences and they also had a lot of support. But I realize that there are tragedies every day and we never hear about the ones where there is no one around to help the family.

In April there was a shooting spree in Fresno and four people died. One of the victims had just started working for the same company as my brother and was killed on the job. My brother told me that his fellow employees did a lot of fundraising for their coworkers family. They also contacted the other families to offer help. Some of the other families indicated that no one else had reached out to them. So, having support is contingent on whether or not you were lucky enough to be born into a large family, marry into one, or both and whether or not you have a large social network. I thought about what those first few days and weeks would have been like if I were alone and I couldn’t even imagine it.

In November we relived our experience in the worst way when my best friend’s dad, Ron Stebles, was hit and killed. I felt so awful for the family but this time I at least had an idea of what to do. The first thing is food! The family is in shock and they need sustenance. I was staying with Cathy, who had been there for me but I knew I could call my family and before long Denise and Denny arrived with food and water. They were happy to help because they were also grateful for the support we received.

In May, I watched my friend, Sarah Beasley, go through the tragic loss of her son Aaron. I was able to respond in a way that I knew would have been helpful to me and an idea begin to form. I have all this gratitude and so do a lot of other people. Why don’t we pay it forward by being there for families who are not fortunate enough to have the support we have?

I am thrilled to be starting Village of Support to do this. Initially it is going to be a Facebook group of volunteers. As there is a need I will post it and whoever is available right then can offer to help. The list of ways we can help is just starting. Number one is food but there are also things like helping the family navigate through all of the business that needs to happen (funeral arrangements, etc). Maybe it will involve just sitting with someone or helping them with household chores. I suspect that we will come up with a long list of items as well as volunteers and/or experts with a specific skill. I’m going to need a lot of help because I’ve never done anything like this before. But, I have a Village and it grows every day! If you have ideas please keep them coming. If we can do even one small thing to make the process of losing a loved one easier to get through then we will have succeeded.

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Hiking

The week in Hawaii went by so quickly! We had a great time and I think Patrick would have approved.

Patrick was so full of life, and now that he is gone I feel like we should really LIVE for him! Yesterday we tried to go snorkeling at Hanauma Bay but got there too late and we weren't able to park.

We had planned to go to Diamondhead after Hanauma Bay so we just went there instead. It was exactly the kind of thing Patrick would have enjoyed. He loved to be outdoors! And although this was a pretty tame hike, he would have enjoyed the beautiful views. I couldn't help but reminisce about other hikes over the years.

While we were still in college, several of us decided to hike Half Dome. I was several years removed from being an athlete but how hard could it be? We stocked up on provisions like sodas, chips, and beer. There might have been some sandwiches and water but we mainly carried the worst possible things for a hike like that. Dan and Amy were with us and on the way up either the guys ditched us or we mutually agreed for them to go ahead. We were a little slow but I was determined to make it to the top. Did I mention that no one checked the weather forecast? 🤣🤣🤣 Years later Dina would marry Jeff Young and he would teach Patrick how to seriously hike. Back then, we were young and stupid!

As Amy and I reached the base of Half Dome the guys were coming down and thunder clouds were rolling in. We didn't get to go up. I was disappointed and exhausted from the climb. We started down and hey, someone forgot to tell me that my legs would hurt worse on the way down! Then it started raining and our path soon became a slippery river! Patrick stayed with me and protected me on the way down. I'm not going to lie, I clutched his hand and cried most of the way down! And yet he still stayed with me and loved me! ❤️❤️❤️

We always intended to hike more but we were at such different ability levels. And I was never fit enough to do the kind of hikes he loved. Jeff introduced Patrick and his brothers to real hiking. They all worried that someone would die but Jeff always got them back in one piece, even the time they sent the guy with the worst sense of direction to get water! My husband could get lost driving home!

Our last family hike was the Ontario Ridge trail in the summer of 2014 in Avila Beach. It was almost 3 miles and my Fitbit counted the equivalent of 77 flights of stairs. The way up was okay but there were a few times that Patrick steadied me or took my hand to pull me up. I had been working out and I was proud that I could do the hike. The view from the top was beautiful. The way down was steep and slippery. He patiently helped me down as the girls waited at the bottom. It was a fun day and I'm so grateful for that memory.

There are so many things that I would not have been able to do without Patrick by my side. He was my rock. He gave me such a good life and so many good memories! I still have times that I wonder how I can possibly go on. And there are other times that I am amazed at the gifts he has given me. I credit his love for the girls and I with giving me the strength to keep going. There are still times that I stumble but usually someone is there to help me up. And always there is his voice, telling me "you can do this!"