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Unexpected Love Story – Part 2 – Meet the Family

I am the first to admit that dating me is a lot! Bruce is an only child and only grandchild so it was somewhat of a culture shock when he met my family. He actually met the teNyenhuis side first! I tried to introduce him to small groups at a time but that is a challenge when we spend so much time together. After a month of dating he met all of my siblings and helped us move into the beach house. I introduced him and he was immediately put to work carrying furniture up stairs and putting things together. We still had things to buy so I left him with the guys while Dawan and I went shopping for a few hours. He likes to say I left him for 10 hours but don’t believe him!

Everyone seemed to like him and that made me very happy! But I knew things were going well when I overheard Tom talking to my Dad the next morning. The conversation was something like this, “We we’re trying to do … then Bruce said… we did this… Bruce thought we could… Bruce suggested…”. You get the picture, he fit so seamlessly into the family!

Then he met more family. Then I took him to the Boyles family reunion, then Ravioli Day. He was proud when he could remember a few names and then I would introduce him to more. We spent Christmas Eve and morning with my family and then I took him to Prandini Christmas. After each big event I gave hm space to decompress. And then he was always ready to meet more people!

Boyles Family Reunion!

In September I had a small flood at my house and it was in a state of disrepair for months. I couldn’t decide what to do. Should I have it repaired? Should I have additional work done? I thought about doing a kitchen remodel and Bruce suggested I get ideas from model homes. He told me he enjoyed visiting the models and there were a few he really liked. We had a blast looking at the models and I found myself imagining what the future might hold. Then he asked if I might like to buy a house together. I’m sure I had a big grin on my face when I told him that I would love that! Then he added that of course he would want to marry me! My grin got even bigger!

We started looking at more houses and I decided not to remodel my kitchen. Instead I started getting it ready to sell.

Even before the conversation at the model home we had talked hypothetically about moving in together. Bruce’s house was nice but it had limited parking and that would not work for family get-togethers! My house made more sense but I worried that it would be hard for Bruce to feel like it was his home. We decided it would be better to move to a house that was ours together.

Next step, find our new home. I’ll tell you all about it in my next post!

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Unexpected Love Story Part 1 – We Meet

A year after Patrick died I wrote about my experience so far. In One Year Later I described what it felt like to be going on a familiar path and then having everything change in the blink of an eye. I tried to describe how, in the midst of so much sadness, there were still moments of unexpected happiness.

As I entered the second year I started thinking about dating. I have to say that I probably had the idea that I would find someone I was comfortable with, who would be a good companion. They might have faults but I would put up with them because I hated being alone. I didn’t even dare to hope that I would actually find someone I could truly love!

Bruce and I met on OK Cupid last August. I don’t remember who contacted the other first but we not swiped right and started talking on Monday, August 13th (Happy Birthday Shayna Danell 😉). Here is one of his profile pics. I love that it says we like each other!

I seem to remember that we switched to phone calls early on, which I really enjoyed. His profile said he lived in Clovis so I asked him what part of town and he told me his cross streets were Ashlan and Locan and those also happen to be my cross streets! 👀 👀 I think I might have actually looked out the window at that point. 😂 Fortunately he wasn’t a stalker and had lived just across Locan from me for the last 4 years. In fact we have lived less than a mile from each other for the last 16 years. Our kids were in different grades but went to all the same schools together! We made plans to go to dinner that Saturday night but as that got closer I suggested that we meet for coffee on Friday. I met him at Starbucks and we were so comfortable that he suggested we go to dinner. He gave me the option of taking separate cars but of course I wanted to ride in his cute little convertible!

The next night he picked me up for the dinner date we had originally planned. Once again, we were enjoying each other’s company so much that we decided to extend the date and go see a movie (Crazy Rich Asians). From that point on we talked multiple times per day and saw each other almost daily, sometimes walking the short distance between our houses. Usually we would meet in the middle.

I want to get this story right so I decided to divide it up into several parts. I will post more tomorrow!

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Like it was yesterday…and also a lifetime ago

Twenty seven years ago today! I remember the day so clearly! I was probably awake in bed, too excited to sleep. My dad spent the night in the apartment with me and that was really nice. Patrick was at his parent’s house. The day and really the rest of my life were planned out perfectly. Large wedding with everyone we loved. ✔️ Honeymoon cruise. ✔️ Buy a house ✔️ Two to three kids in four to five years. ✔️

I could go on and on. I’ve said it before. ALL of my dreams came true except one, to grow old together. And I think the fact that I was so happy and had such a good life has enabled me to move forward and remember him with smiles instead of tears.

It’s difficult to sort out my feelings these days. I have so much to be thankful for and I’ve experienced love and happiness that I didn’t think was possible. But I still have moments where I think, “Oh yeah, THAT happened”. I don’t think those will ever completely go away and I probably wouldn’t want them to. I’m grateful that Bruce is comfortable with me talking to him about Patrick. I couldn’t handle having to suppress those feelings!

I finally got all of the work on the house finished and it sold in TWO DAYS!!! It’s a little crazy that I made the house so nice and now I’m leaving! And I do have a lot of memories here but I feel that it’s time to start fresh. I can’t wait to move into our new home, probably in about two weeks!!!

In one week I finish my last non-practicum class! Then I start my practicum and I will officially be counseling! People will trust me with their mental well being! I hope I’m up to the task!

So what would Patrick say about all this? He would make some self-deprecating comment about Bruce. Maybe he would say that it’s about time I got a decent man. Then he would ask if he could drive Bruce’s convertible! He might say he always knew I would trade him in for a newer model but he’s not surprised I picked another 1967 model. Because that was an awesome year!

I think he would like my career choice. It’s not something we ever discussed so who knows?

Happy Anniversary Patrick! I will always love you!

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Thankful for my family (11/26/16)

Originally posted on 11/26/16

The last few days I’ve been watching everyone posting about everything they are thankful for. They are all very eloquent and some even mention an empty chair at the table. I wanted to write something cheery yesterday since I truly do have a lot to be thankful for. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to be thankful for anything. There is a hole in my heart that may get smaller someday but it seems to be permanent so it will always be there.

Recently I watched Cathy’s mom, Charlene, experience the same kind of nightmare that I went through. Everyone who stopped by wanted to help and most didn’t know what to say. The most common thing people say in this situation seems to be, “What can I get you? Is there anything you need?” Charlene answered truthfully, “Yes, I need my husband. Can you get him?” My heart broke each time I heard this because I remember having the same conversations. I may not have responded that way each time but it was definitely what I was thinking. Logically I knew this wasn’t possible but it was really the only thing I wanted.

I intentionally planned something completely different for Thanksgiving. 25-30 of us in one large, 10 bedroom Inn. I am surrounded by most of the people who are the most dear to me. I am truly grateful for that and any other option would be so much worse but I don’t think there was any way to make this holiday completely joyful since Patrick is missing. Yet I know he really isn’t missing. He is never far from our thoughts. He would have loved this trip but it would have never happened if he were here. There’s no way he would have agreed to the expense. Yesterday, we gathered in a circle to say grace. The family I was born into was intermingled with the family I married into. My Dad and Kandra, Denise, Dawan and Tom, Denny and his girls plus Nick. Mom and Pop teNyenhuis, Gabe, Dom and Caitlin, Matt, Tina and kids, Sierra, Camille, and I. We asked Pop to say grace and when he finished, Mom thanked me for bringing us all together. She said, “We are more complete when we are together.” Then there were tears and lots of hugs. How lucky am I that my two families love each other so much? Later we were joined by Dustin and Jenna and Dina and Jeff. We’ve all been hanging out and enjoying each other’s company.

I chose the central coast because my family has spent many Thanksgivings at North Beach campground. Since there were so many of us we didn’t actually end up joining my extended family at the campground but today we had a surprise party to celebrate my Aunt Emma’s 80th birthday. They tricked her by telling her it was a surprise party for MY birthday so of course she ran out and bought me a card. 😊 After we ate, multiple family members got up to speak and pretty much all of them got choked up when they talked about Aunt Emma and the whole extended Boyles family. A few had married into the family and spoke of how much they appreciated getting to be a part of our family. A light-hearted moment was when my Dad’s former aunt spoke of how she loved the family so much that she married into it twice! Her husband was my grandma’s brother and he, unfortunately, passed away when they were driving back to Oklahoma after attending my sister’s wedding. My uncle, her nephew by marriage, drove out to escort her back. They were actually fairly close in age and after several years of hanging around and helping her out, he married her. We like to joke about how Uncle Ed married his Aunt Vanda but I assure you it was perfectly legal! We also remembered my Uncle Joe who passed away unexpectedly. Emma and Joe were married over 50 years. She is now married to a friend of many years, Rex, who lost his wife after Uncle Joe died.

So I sat there listening to all of the great memories and I was reminded that I am truly thankful for my family. They are the reason I continue to get out of bed each day and I am able to continue moving forward. I am frequently angry that I have to do it without Patrick but I know he would love how much we all cherish our time together. We make more of an effort to be together now and I get to have both of my families with me. I also look at Emma and Vanda and I know they deeply loved their first husbands. They also lost their husbands suddenly and they kept moving forward. I know I can do that too!

Thanksgiving Dinner
Thanksgiving Dinner Table 2
Thanksgiving Dinner Table 3
Thanksgiving Dinner Table 4
Relaxing
Turkey Trot
Gabe and Caitlin
Camille, Dawan, Danell, Denise
Matt, Tina, Andrew, Olivia, and Ella
All of the turkey trotters!
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I Choose Happy!❤️❤️❤️

I’m in my last week of a class called “Spousal & Child Abuse, Crisis and Trauma Counseling”. I was a little surprised that we weren’t even studying the chapter on bereavement. I think there is a certain expectation that everyone just knows how to handle grief. I’ve learned that is not the case. People have a wide range of reactions to death and no one can really prepare you for it. When you are dealing with it, no one can really tell you how to do it either. For the most part, you find your own way, hopefully with the help of friends and family.

I chose to read the chapter on bereavement. I’m interested because it’s what I’ve been dealing with but also because I would like to be a crisis and trauma counselor and bereavement will be a part of that. Most of you are probably familiar with the “Stages of Death and Dying”. I really think those stages apply to people facing a terminal diagnosis. They can be applied to bereavement also but some of them don’t seem to fit very well. In my textbook I found a newer 4 stage guideline by J. William Worden:

    Accept the loss – At first, this seemed almost offensive to me. But it doesn’t mean you agree with it, just that it happened. This also means that it’s not necessarily healthy to pretend nothing happened. Removing or avoiding reminders does not make it go away. I learned to make small changes that acknowledged the loss without being startling.
    Experience the pain – Grief can be overwhelming! I know that I tried to avoid the pain a lot but it would always hit me when I least expected it. I finally learned to allow myself time to feel it and just let out the emotions. I haven’t needed a good cry in a long time but it certainly helped when I needed it! I found that it helped to know things that would trigger a good cry, and to give myself permission to let it all out.
    Adjust to an environment without the person – grieving families will sometimes try to leave things “as is” in an attempt to honor the deceased. For me, it helped to make minor changes, a little at a time. My mind needed that to remind me that he was gone but I was still there. And I was okay. I didn’t want to be stuck in one place, it would have been dreary to never move forward. I’m not saying that’s how everyone should do it, but it worked for me. Two plus years out I am ready to make larger changes. I’m planning some remodeling but I won’t change everything at once. Baby steps.
    Reinvest emotional energy in other relationships – This one is really important. At first it meant strengthening my connection with all of my family and close friends. Then it expanded to new friends, especially my fellow widows. Now it has progressed to a new relationship. I have a lot of love to give. And I know that Patrick would want me to be happy. I haven’t moved on, I have moved forward.

I could spend my days wrapped up in memories of the years I had with Patrick. This wouldn’t be a horrible thing to do. I have a lot of great memories! But if that is all I did, I would spend a lot of time being sad and missing him. I don’t want to be sad all the time. I choose happy! And I think he would approve!

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Four U-Hauls and an Empty Nest!!!

Since July 2nd I have rented four different U-Hauls! I’ve driven around town and gone north, south, and west. I knew this would be a busy summer but it didn’t turn out exactly as I thought and that’s a good thing!

I’ll start with the second U-Haul. On August 12th, after a week in Catalina and a wedding, we headed to LA to move Sierra to Loyola Law. It was a quick trip! Zio Matt drove the U-Haul and I was grateful that I didn’t have to! Aunt Denise tagged along and we got her moved in to a beautiful apartment. A month later she is studying hard and enjoying the experience!

The third U-Haul was a cargo van that I rented to take Camille to school. After all my past U-Haul drama, I finally found Rodeo Rentals. The owner is excellent! I was supposed to rent a trailer to tow but I did not have the correct lights on my car so he helped me decide the next best option, which was the easy to drive cargo van. The bonus of the cargo van was the extra space I had to bring IKEA purchases home. More on that later! Camille got settled in and is all ready to start school next week!

So the dreaded empty nest has happened! And I’ve barely had time to think about it! A series of things have happened that have made it a little easier to deal with my empty nest!

Patrick took good care of me and that carried on after he died. The decisions he made have enabled me to have a secure future and I’m very blessed that this has given me opportunities. The biggest opportunity yet came in late June when I went into escrow on a family beach house with my sister and brother-in-law. This is not something Patrick and I would have been able to do but he would have absolutely loved it! I’m so excited about the family trips in the future! Buying and furnishing the house has been fun!

After our offer was accepted we began making plans. I gave up my garage to store the furniture we began accumulating, beginning with an epic Costco trip on July 2nd that required a U-Haul to get our purchases home!

We thought it was going to be a quick escrow but there’s always some sort of snag. So, after a lot of false alarms we officially closed last week, the day I moved Camille to Davis. The trip to IKEA, to get a desk for Camille, morphed into a three hour shopping experience, mainly to get things for my room at the beach house (see picture below).

On Saturday we packed up the fourth U-Haul and drove to the beach house. There is still a lot of work left but we mostly moved in last weekend. I was fortunate that I was able to take my computer and do my school work while I worked on getting everything hooked up.

I still can’t believe how blessed I am to be a part owner of a beach house. Sometimes I feel a tiny bit guilty that I am finding joy in life. This is not what I had planned but I am 100% sure that I have Patrick’s blessing.

Just in case I started feeling too special, reality struck and my Clovis house was semi-flooded when a toilet valve broke. I left paradise and came home to loud fans and musty smells! And guess what? It was not the end of the world and nowhere near the worst thing that has happened to me. Denise and Denny came through just like they always do! Denny shut the water off and Denise dealt with the plumber and the cleanup people until I could get home. I’m not sure what’s going to happen as far as damage and cleanup but I will just deal with it as it comes up.

I’m reluctant to share this next part because I don’t want to jinx it. Right after I moved Sierra to LA, I met someone really special. His name is Bruce. We are enjoying getting to know each other and he is bravely meeting my big, crazy family. His first introduction was a teNyenhuis family get together. And, he was able to help with the beach house move and really get to know my siblings and one set of parents. They loved him! Tomorrow, he’s going to the Boyles family reunion with me! He deserves more than a short little paragraph and I’m sure I’ll write more in the future.

So, it’s been a busy, crazy, wonderful summer. I’m excited to see the girls following their dreams and I am very blessed that the good things happening made it a little easier to face the dreaded empty nest! Hopefully things will slow a little more and I will have more time to write. For now, thank you for always being there for me! ❤️❤️❤️

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Why would I need a smart phone?

If you knew Patrick, you know that he never wanted to be trendy. Sometimes it seemed like he was against something just to have something to debate about. He always claimed to hate his cell phone and regularly threatened to get rid of it.

I can’t remember exactly when he got his first cell phone but I’m pretty sure I bought it when he was taking the bus on a road trip. Breaking down was always a possibility and I wanted him to be able to call for help. I’m kind of amazed that I ever got him to carry it!

He really didn’t like to talk on the phone that much, unless it was to annoy a telemarketer or catch up with a relative or old friend. He constantly threatened to get rid of that phone and I told him I would just buy another one. He liked to keep them as long as possible. I always wanted him to upgrade so he could do things like take pictures and also just to make it easier to text.

Once, he went fishing at Shaver and he put his phone in his pocket. He stood up on the boat for something and the phone dropped into the lake, never to be seen again. He texted or called me from Dina’s phone to let me know what had happened. I loaded the girls up and headed to the phone store for a replacement. I knew if I waited for him he would refuse to get one!

His final phone was a flip phone. It was out of style when he got it. We liked to tease him about it and he would act offended. Then he would start in on all the reasons his phone was actually better. I’m sure he had a lot of reasons but I remember that being cheaper was one of them. Also, he bragged about how small his phone was.

Of course, if he ever wanted to know any trivia or obscure information he would say, “What are you waiting for, someone look that up”. And I would tell him he should get his own smart phone. His response? Why would I need a smart phone? I already pay for three of them!

Ironically I think he would have really enjoyed the features on a smart phone. He would have liked taking pictures and he probably would have enjoyed having better quality pictures of the girls on his phone to show people. And he definitely would have appreciated the easier texting. I used to laugh as he struggled through typing a long text. One time we were talking about sending a message to Sierra. So he starts the painstaking process of hitting each key multiple times. I couldn’t help it, I gave him a fairly long head start…then I picked up my iPhone, spoke the message into it, and hit send before he could finish. He wasn’t amused, lol.

He liked to tell everyone how awesome his phone was. He extolled the virtues of the flip phone and the fact that it folded up so small. The phone DID have internet access but the screen was so small, I’m not sure how easy it would have been to use.

The phone’s most useful feature, according to Patrick, was something that he liked to demonstrate, usually while sitting in a restaurant. He would proudly state, “How many of you can put your entire phone in your mouth?” And then he would proceed to demonstrate.

Camille was the first to point out that he made it his entire life without getting a smart phone. He would be really proud of that.

I’ve been wondering about the flip phone for two years. I knew it was evidence in the case but I never wanted to ask about it. I finally got it back in July. I plugged it in to charge, not sure if it would work but I could tell it was charging right away.

After a few hours I was able to spend some time looking through it. It was a bit of a challenge after using an iPhone for so many years. I was surprised that it had Bluetooth in addition to internet access when he used it. I turned off the service after he died so I can’t access that now. There were also several pictures of the girls and some probably don’t exist anywhere else. At some point I will take the SIM card in to see if there is a way to get the pictures off of it. In my next post I will tell you more about what I found on the phone. As I had hoped and expected, there were some gems. 😊

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First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for Clovis Unified. I watched as all my friends posted pictures. I never did the cutesy pictures. I wasn’t that organized! Seeing all of the pictures today reminded me of all of the first days and how much fun it was to watch the girls grow into young ladies. I’m glad that Patrick was there for most of that journey.

This is actually the most momentous first day of school yet for our household! Today Sierra started her first day of law school at Loyola Law in Los Angeles! We actually moved her a week ago since she had orientation last week. Then she came home this last weekend and it will be the last time for a while I’m sure.

She already had homework even before classes officially started today. I can already see a change in her. She left to go back before noon yesterday so she could do homework. She used to leave at 6:00 or 7:00 to go back to Long Beach!

Patrick would be so proud of her! She’s always been a good student but she has shown tremendous resiliency in the last two plus years. I’m happy that they both developed their father’s focus when it comes to school work. I did okay but I have to say their grades more closely resemble his.

My current class is on crisis and trauma. Today I read an interesting passage in my textbook, Crisis Assessment, Intervention, and Prevention. The authors, Lisa Jackson-Cherry and Bradley Erford, said “Successfully dealing with adversity often results in an outcome that is better than one that might have been reached without the adversity”. It seems odd to say that my girls are doing better because of Patrick’s death but I think they have each found their own way of dealing with adversity and in getting through this, they have become stronger. I believe that they consciously made this decision and are not only merely doing it because it’s what is expected. I am proud to call them my daughters!!!!

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Celebrating Patrick

Every year, for his birthday, Patrick liked to take a guys trip. Usually he went with his “only friend” Joe. Matt usually joined them and Gabe did occasionally. Usually they went camping. Some years they went to Shaver Lake. Other years they went to the beach. He just wanted to relax, maybe do some fishing and drink beer.

I was thinking about these trips, wondering if I should have gone… Of course, in hindsight I would go back and take advantage of any opportunities to spend time with him. But I never felt that I was being a bad wife by not going. I’m sure he would have allowed me to go but he never really expected me to. And the truth was, this was his gift to himself, a little break from all his responsibilities.

There is a known tendency, among widows, to idealize, or sanctify their late spouse. I’m sure I do this to some degree but I do try to be real. Patrick was by no means perfect but he was definitely a wonderful husband and father. I’m happy that we took these little breaks from each other. It reminded us of all the time apart early in our relationship and made us appreciate our time together.

Yesterday would have been Patrick’s 51st Birthday. So, he really should have been camping this weekend. I’ve been a little emotional at times this week. At times I will have random thoughts or random anger. I try not to spend too much time on the anger but I admit that I am angry at times. His death was so random and unfair and if I really stop and think about it I am just so angry that it happened. Earlier in the week I was in the drive-thru at Taco Bell and I started thinking about Patrick and getting sad. I looked up and there were yellow flowers. They always make me think of him. 🙂

I like to add funny stories so I’m going to add my niece Shayna’s post. She actually posted this the day of his funeral but reposted it yesterday. I have no idea why he had these but it was classic Patrick!

Last night we had a huge get together and it was really nice to all be there and share our love. In a way, I’m glad that his birthday is a week before the dreaded anniversary of the day he died. We can always celebrate his life on his birthday! We will think of him next week but last night was a happy time! I am so grateful for our family! Here are some pictures!

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Trauma

Traumatic experiences never really leave you. I tend to downplay this since it’s not a pleasant topic. I survive by filing it away and controlling the amount of time I spend thinking about it. Usually this works.

My class assignment this week was on Crisis Counseling. Almost every week I have to write a research paper. I have to find references to support what I write about. Sometimes this is easy and other times it’s like pulling teeth. Last week I found 10-15 articles to pull from. This week I had the bare minimum of 3.

Sometimes I will find articles that aren’t relevant to my current assignment but I save them for future reference. I am interested in grief and trauma counseling so I have saved a lot of those. This week I found one on a program in Washington DC that provides crisis support and bereavement counseling for families who arrive at the morgue to identify someone who died suddenly from homicide, suicide, or accidents. This sounded similar to the Village of Support concept that I have talked about so I was eager to read it.

To clarify, I did not have to identify Patrick and did not see him until the funeral home had prepared him for viewing. I didn’t go through the process discussed in the article but as I read it, I still found myself back in that viewing room at the funeral home with my legs crumbling beneath me. I’ve told this story before. I realize I did not have to see him. This is a deeply personal decision, and for me, it was important to have that closure.

I was escorted into the room and I honestly can’t remember who was with me. I know it was one or all of my siblings. My Dad followed and as I sank to the floor he was suddenly there to hold me up. For some reason all I could say was, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. I was telling Patrick that I was sorry that this happened to him but I know it was also an expression of my grief. They had him on a table, and this was somehow easier than seeing him in the casket. His skin felt soft, yet cold. His wedding band had a scrape on it when it was returned to me so I had to check his hand and there was an injury but it didn’t look bad. He looked peaceful but it wasn’t him. He had never looked like that in life. I knew he was gone.

There were many moments of trauma that I relive. The moment I saw the breaking news alert with the words fatal and bicycle jumping out at me. The phone call to tell Sierra. Being handed his watch and wedding band. Seeing him at the funeral home, then taking the girls in to see him (their choice). These memories aren’t endless, and they pop up less frequently now, but usually I’m caught a little off guard.

Yesterday, I was headed to an early morning appointment with my counselor. I got to Shaw and Locan, and BOOM, it was that day again. I wished i could go back to that exact moment, when I thought I was driving to find my husband walking his bike with a flat tire. One of the last moments before my life changed.

Today, as part of my interview to become a court appointed special advocate for foster children, I had to describe a traumatic experience and how I had gotten through it. The interviewer was aware of my background and made it clear that I didn’t need to discuss that experience. The thing is, I’m okay talking about it and it gets easier every time. I was able to recount all of the love and support I had that day and explain that my gratitude for that is the reason I am doing many of the things I am doing with my life.

Tonight, I read a comment from a widow/widower forum. A widower explained that a friend told him he needed to tell the story of his wife’s death more than 300 times. This suggestion came from a book by Kathryn Mannix, titled With the End in Mind. The author explains this by saying;

Bereaved people, even those who have witnessed the apparently peaceful death of a loved one, often need to tell their story repeatedly, and that is an important part of transferring the experience they endured into a memory, instead of reliving it like a parallel reality every time they think about it.

We need to be more comfortable talking about death. We will all lose someone and we will all die. It’s okay to acknowledge that. Tell your story, listen to mine. Each time it will get a little easier.