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The day I married Batman

Do you like the title? Bruce is probably tired of all of the Batman references but we definitely had fun with them! The last 4 months have flown by and I haven’t felt like I had enough time to really write about this. Today I thought it might be a good distraction.

The wedding turned out exactly as planned, well except for the one special request I had… but I will get to that later! I think I spent close to two years planning my first wedding and we pulled this one off in a few months! We picked Thanksgiving weekend so, of course, it was a busy time. It was also the first big holiday since we moved into our house so we decided to do Thanksgiving dinner at our house.

Bruce’s mom, Carrol, and his stepdad, Joe, arrived on Thanksgiving morning. This was the first time the girls and I met them so it was nice to have a few days to get acquainted. I also wanted them to meet some of my family so they weren’t overwhelmed on the day of the wedding. We had a great visit!

The night before the wedding Bruce stayed in a hotel. I was a bundle of nerves and I had planned to pack for our Minnie-moon and I probably would have found other ways to stress myself out! I sat up talking with Carrol and Joe instead and by the time I went to bed I was completely relaxed.

The next day flew by as I had my hair done by Gaby and Mia Castillo and Sierra did my makeup. Finally Cathy and I headed to the venue. Bruce picked up the girls after we left and they arrived a little later. Here are a few “before” pics.

Sierra, Bethany, & Camille
Cathy and I

Denise, Dawan, and I

When it was time to start, Matt escorted my mother-in-law Barbara in, my Dad escorted my step-mom Kandra in, Bruce escorted his Mom and Denny escorted my Mom. Then we had Sierra, Bethany and Camille walk in together, followed by best man and matron of honor Gavin and Cathy. I wanted the wedding to be a little unique so I entered with the opening to Prince’s “Let’s Go Crazy” and walked down the aisle to “Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles. And I was very happy to be walked down the aisle by my Pop, Andre teNyenhuis. Pop made it clear that he was “presenting me”, not giving me away!

Pop walking me down the aisle
Bruce watching me walk in 💕💕💕

My dad officiated and made sure it was memorable by reading an entire paragraph for the ring exchange and then asking Bruce to repeat it! Bruce and I wrote our own vows. His vows included the promise to provide me with really good health insurance and I promised to never quiz him on my family’s names.

Somehow this is the only picture I got with my brother Denny!
Mr. & Mrs. Bruce Wayne Black!

At the reception we were toasted by Gavin, Cathy, Denny, & Sierra. Denny managed to include the Batman theme and a lot of crowd participation. We had a great time at the reception and then it all ended too quickly. I’m going to let the pictures tell the rest of the story but before I forget, the one thing that went wrong…. I thought I was doing a good thing hiring a charity bartender but I was disappointed with their service. I requested two special drinks, in advance, and they did not bring them! Anyone who knows me well can probably guess that one was Diet Pepsi. The other was Diet Mountain Dew for Bruce. So yeah, all in all it was a perfect day! ❤️❤️❤️

The Smith family
Our parents! ❤️❤️❤️ Dad & Kandra, Carrol & Joe, my Momma, Mom & Pop
The wedding party!
Our cake
#TOTHEMOONANDBLACK
Entering the reception
The happy couple
First dance
First day of our Minnie Moon and also my birthday!
#HAPPILYMARRIED
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Four U-Hauls and an Empty Nest!!!

Since July 2nd I have rented four different U-Hauls! I’ve driven around town and gone north, south, and west. I knew this would be a busy summer but it didn’t turn out exactly as I thought and that’s a good thing!

I’ll start with the second U-Haul. On August 12th, after a week in Catalina and a wedding, we headed to LA to move Sierra to Loyola Law. It was a quick trip! Zio Matt drove the U-Haul and I was grateful that I didn’t have to! Aunt Denise tagged along and we got her moved in to a beautiful apartment. A month later she is studying hard and enjoying the experience!

The third U-Haul was a cargo van that I rented to take Camille to school. After all my past U-Haul drama, I finally found Rodeo Rentals. The owner is excellent! I was supposed to rent a trailer to tow but I did not have the correct lights on my car so he helped me decide the next best option, which was the easy to drive cargo van. The bonus of the cargo van was the extra space I had to bring IKEA purchases home. More on that later! Camille got settled in and is all ready to start school next week!

So the dreaded empty nest has happened! And I’ve barely had time to think about it! A series of things have happened that have made it a little easier to deal with my empty nest!

Patrick took good care of me and that carried on after he died. The decisions he made have enabled me to have a secure future and I’m very blessed that this has given me opportunities. The biggest opportunity yet came in late June when I went into escrow on a family beach house with my sister and brother-in-law. This is not something Patrick and I would have been able to do but he would have absolutely loved it! I’m so excited about the family trips in the future! Buying and furnishing the house has been fun!

After our offer was accepted we began making plans. I gave up my garage to store the furniture we began accumulating, beginning with an epic Costco trip on July 2nd that required a U-Haul to get our purchases home!

We thought it was going to be a quick escrow but there’s always some sort of snag. So, after a lot of false alarms we officially closed last week, the day I moved Camille to Davis. The trip to IKEA, to get a desk for Camille, morphed into a three hour shopping experience, mainly to get things for my room at the beach house (see picture below).

On Saturday we packed up the fourth U-Haul and drove to the beach house. There is still a lot of work left but we mostly moved in last weekend. I was fortunate that I was able to take my computer and do my school work while I worked on getting everything hooked up.

I still can’t believe how blessed I am to be a part owner of a beach house. Sometimes I feel a tiny bit guilty that I am finding joy in life. This is not what I had planned but I am 100% sure that I have Patrick’s blessing.

Just in case I started feeling too special, reality struck and my Clovis house was semi-flooded when a toilet valve broke. I left paradise and came home to loud fans and musty smells! And guess what? It was not the end of the world and nowhere near the worst thing that has happened to me. Denise and Denny came through just like they always do! Denny shut the water off and Denise dealt with the plumber and the cleanup people until I could get home. I’m not sure what’s going to happen as far as damage and cleanup but I will just deal with it as it comes up.

I’m reluctant to share this next part because I don’t want to jinx it. Right after I moved Sierra to LA, I met someone really special. His name is Bruce. We are enjoying getting to know each other and he is bravely meeting my big, crazy family. His first introduction was a teNyenhuis family get together. And, he was able to help with the beach house move and really get to know my siblings and one set of parents. They loved him! Tomorrow, he’s going to the Boyles family reunion with me! He deserves more than a short little paragraph and I’m sure I’ll write more in the future.

So, it’s been a busy, crazy, wonderful summer. I’m excited to see the girls following their dreams and I am very blessed that the good things happening made it a little easier to face the dreaded empty nest! Hopefully things will slow a little more and I will have more time to write. For now, thank you for always being there for me! ❤️❤️❤️

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Why would I need a smart phone?

If you knew Patrick, you know that he never wanted to be trendy. Sometimes it seemed like he was against something just to have something to debate about. He always claimed to hate his cell phone and regularly threatened to get rid of it.

I can’t remember exactly when he got his first cell phone but I’m pretty sure I bought it when he was taking the bus on a road trip. Breaking down was always a possibility and I wanted him to be able to call for help. I’m kind of amazed that I ever got him to carry it!

He really didn’t like to talk on the phone that much, unless it was to annoy a telemarketer or catch up with a relative or old friend. He constantly threatened to get rid of that phone and I told him I would just buy another one. He liked to keep them as long as possible. I always wanted him to upgrade so he could do things like take pictures and also just to make it easier to text.

Once, he went fishing at Shaver and he put his phone in his pocket. He stood up on the boat for something and the phone dropped into the lake, never to be seen again. He texted or called me from Dina’s phone to let me know what had happened. I loaded the girls up and headed to the phone store for a replacement. I knew if I waited for him he would refuse to get one!

His final phone was a flip phone. It was out of style when he got it. We liked to tease him about it and he would act offended. Then he would start in on all the reasons his phone was actually better. I’m sure he had a lot of reasons but I remember that being cheaper was one of them. Also, he bragged about how small his phone was.

Of course, if he ever wanted to know any trivia or obscure information he would say, “What are you waiting for, someone look that up”. And I would tell him he should get his own smart phone. His response? Why would I need a smart phone? I already pay for three of them!

Ironically I think he would have really enjoyed the features on a smart phone. He would have liked taking pictures and he probably would have enjoyed having better quality pictures of the girls on his phone to show people. And he definitely would have appreciated the easier texting. I used to laugh as he struggled through typing a long text. One time we were talking about sending a message to Sierra. So he starts the painstaking process of hitting each key multiple times. I couldn’t help it, I gave him a fairly long head start…then I picked up my iPhone, spoke the message into it, and hit send before he could finish. He wasn’t amused, lol.

He liked to tell everyone how awesome his phone was. He extolled the virtues of the flip phone and the fact that it folded up so small. The phone DID have internet access but the screen was so small, I’m not sure how easy it would have been to use.

The phone’s most useful feature, according to Patrick, was something that he liked to demonstrate, usually while sitting in a restaurant. He would proudly state, “How many of you can put your entire phone in your mouth?” And then he would proceed to demonstrate.

Camille was the first to point out that he made it his entire life without getting a smart phone. He would be really proud of that.

I’ve been wondering about the flip phone for two years. I knew it was evidence in the case but I never wanted to ask about it. I finally got it back in July. I plugged it in to charge, not sure if it would work but I could tell it was charging right away.

After a few hours I was able to spend some time looking through it. It was a bit of a challenge after using an iPhone for so many years. I was surprised that it had Bluetooth in addition to internet access when he used it. I turned off the service after he died so I can’t access that now. There were also several pictures of the girls and some probably don’t exist anywhere else. At some point I will take the SIM card in to see if there is a way to get the pictures off of it. In my next post I will tell you more about what I found on the phone. As I had hoped and expected, there were some gems. 😊

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Celebrating Patrick

Every year, for his birthday, Patrick liked to take a guys trip. Usually he went with his “only friend” Joe. Matt usually joined them and Gabe did occasionally. Usually they went camping. Some years they went to Shaver Lake. Other years they went to the beach. He just wanted to relax, maybe do some fishing and drink beer.

I was thinking about these trips, wondering if I should have gone… Of course, in hindsight I would go back and take advantage of any opportunities to spend time with him. But I never felt that I was being a bad wife by not going. I’m sure he would have allowed me to go but he never really expected me to. And the truth was, this was his gift to himself, a little break from all his responsibilities.

There is a known tendency, among widows, to idealize, or sanctify their late spouse. I’m sure I do this to some degree but I do try to be real. Patrick was by no means perfect but he was definitely a wonderful husband and father. I’m happy that we took these little breaks from each other. It reminded us of all the time apart early in our relationship and made us appreciate our time together.

Yesterday would have been Patrick’s 51st Birthday. So, he really should have been camping this weekend. I’ve been a little emotional at times this week. At times I will have random thoughts or random anger. I try not to spend too much time on the anger but I admit that I am angry at times. His death was so random and unfair and if I really stop and think about it I am just so angry that it happened. Earlier in the week I was in the drive-thru at Taco Bell and I started thinking about Patrick and getting sad. I looked up and there were yellow flowers. They always make me think of him. 🙂

I like to add funny stories so I’m going to add my niece Shayna’s post. She actually posted this the day of his funeral but reposted it yesterday. I have no idea why he had these but it was classic Patrick!

Last night we had a huge get together and it was really nice to all be there and share our love. In a way, I’m glad that his birthday is a week before the dreaded anniversary of the day he died. We can always celebrate his life on his birthday! We will think of him next week but last night was a happy time! I am so grateful for our family! Here are some pictures!

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Cherish

Last year I started a tradition of choosing a word for the year. For 2017 I chose patience. I think it was a really good word to choose and it was applicable to a lot of different parts of my life. A few times it reminded me to slow down and not rush into things. But I still need more patience so I may need to work on that one for the rest of my life! For 2018 I wanted a clean slate.

I thought it would take a lot of time to choose a word. I set aside some time to think about it and the word cherish just came to me within a few minutes. I think I’ve used this in my blog previously but not as my word of the year. I like that it has several meanings and a lot of synonyms!

Cherish means to protect and care for (someone) lovingly. I especially like this word because it makes me think of how Patrick cared for the girls and I. Anytime I drove somewhere without him he would tell me to “drive safe” because I was “precious cargo”. When we became parents he expanded this to include the girls. I also used this word to explain to one of my daughters that I hoped for her to find a man who would cherish her because she deserved nothing less.

Cherish also means to hold (something) dear. This makes me think of all the memories and traditions associated with Patrick. I will always cherish them!

The last definition I found is to keep (a hope or ambition) in one’s mind. This one reminds me of the goals and plans that I have for my life and the importance of fulfilling them.

For 2018 I want to remember to cherish everything in my life. Although I have experienced a profound loss I also have a lot to be grateful for and I want to cherish that. If I am cherishing life I feel that I am acknowledging that it is precious and I need to enjoy every bit of it, including everyone who is part of my life.

I also want to be cherished. This may seem like a no-brainer. However, when you are alone and lonely, it’s not always the first thing you think of. I know I am cherished by friends and family. I have felt the constant love surrounding me since that awful day last year. But I am also beginning to realize that this will be one of the qualities I look for as I date. I want to find someone that I cherish who also cherishes me. I realize that it will be very easy for me to settle for less than that and I want to remember that it’s important that I don’t.

Finally, I want to cherish who I am and what I do in my life. I need to have a meaningful life! I’m still thinking about my Village of Support idea but the timing hasn’t been right for me. So I will focus on other things I can do.

I like picking a word of the year because it will remind me to check in with my goals regularly. Feel free to share your “word of the year” in the comments!

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Cherish

On Tuesday night I was at the Clovis East Scholarship awards for Camille. When it began, the couple sitting in front of me, who are friends of mine, reached out and grasped hands. A year ago this probably would have made me incredibly jealous. I would be lying if I said it doesn’t make me jealous at all now. But mostly it makes me happy to see this.

I’ve spent a lot of time on the appreciate your spouse bandwagon, so I love it when I see people doing just that! I’ve told my daughters that what I really want is for them to find someone to cherish them.


I found the above definition on Googke. “Protect and care for someone lovingly, hold dear, adore.”  You don’t hear this word used that often in everyday conversation but it’s the perfect description of what I think a relationship should be. I don’t have a magic formula for anyone to get this kind of relationship but I hope my daughters settle for nothing less.

Patrick cherished me and I cherished him. Our marriage wasn’t perfect. Most marriages are not fairy tales. I think a good marriage is actually very unglamorous. I know that I was so comfortable in my marriage that I didn’t worry if I woke up with my hair looking like a rat’s nest! I really don’t think I am an expert on marriage either. I just know that I was happy and I can tell you what that looked and felt like.

We were kind to each other. We didn’t belittle each other and if we had a problem we would work it out. We respected each other. We gave each other space when needed. We listened and comforted each other. He was my sounding board and I was his. Yes we annoyed each other at times but the good far outweighed the small annoyances.

I cursed at Patrick exactly one time and it upset him so much that I never did it again! We had gone skiing and it was probably my second time ever. Dawan rode up the chair lift with me and was patiently helping me. When Patrick got off the lift we had only gone around 50 feet so he came over to see what the hold up was. The hold up was that Danell was a lousy skier! I fell down every few yards (or was it feet or inches???). Patrick assessed the situation and made a true Patrick observation, “If you’re going to fall, you probably should avoid the big drifts of snow since they are hard to get up from.” As if I was strategically planning my falls! I simply said, “F$&@ you.” He was stunned. Dawan looked had him and said calmly, “Maybe it would be better if we met you at the bottom?” He liked to remind me of that any time I was annoyed with him. 😜

Do me a favor, just humor me… the next time you are annoyed with your spouse or partner, take a deep breath and imagine how annoyed you would be if they were gone! If needed, send them to the bottom of the hill for a break! I know it’s not always fun and games but try to appreciate them as often as possible because time is precious and so are relationships. 😊❤️❤️

 

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What if we never met? – 10/9/16

This was originally posted on 10/9/16. The picture I have added is all of the teNyenhuis grandkids.

Last night I was completely exhausted from a day of moving my mom and Ernie. I woke up at 5:30 after sleeping maybe 3 hours on Friday night. Last night I should have slept like a log. Of course, as usual, I woke several times during the night. This is kind of my new normal. Just to clarify, this doesn’t mean I wake up crying and in emotional pain. Patrick is always in the back of my mind but the pain seems to be a little better most days. When I was awake last night I started thinking about something that I thought about a LOT at first.

When the pain was the most intense there were times that I prayed for amnesia. I just wanted to not remember. And I considered if it would be better just to go through life kind of happy rather than experiencing the extreme pain of losing Patrick. I’ve been told a lot that “most people” don’t experience the kind of love and happiness I had. What if I didn’t have that? Of course I always shut down this line of thinking because I would not have my two precious daughters if I never met Patrick. And of course I wouldn’t want to erase my time with him. My life was better because of it.

My life was incredibly enriched when I met Patrick. Mom and Pop are the best in-laws anyone could ever have. They truly consider me their child and I am so blessed to be a part of their family. Dan is like a big brother to me. He brought Amy into my life and even though they are far away I cherish our relationship. Gabe was always around during the college years when Patrick was away and he looked out for me. I consider him Camille’s surrogate father for education and I think he’s as proud of her as Patrick would be. Jennifer is a kindred spirit and I love having her in my life.

And Patrick gave me my own little sister, Dina. I love her so much and I understand my sisters wanting to protect me from the pain I’m going through because I wish I could take away Dina’s pain. She was extremely close to Patrick and when she married Jeff he found an outdoorsy buddy. Jeff and Dina were always ready to go fishing, hiking or just drink beer with Patrick!

When I met Matt I think he was 10 years old. So I’ve known him for a big part of his life and Patrick was always proud of him. In many ways he was truly Patrick’s best friend. I’ve always been close to Tina too. Like all of the siblings Matt chose well!

Getting together with the whole family was always a special time. Holidays were always busy but we always agreed which family we would spend time with, BOTH!

And that is just the tip of the iceberg since the family doesn’t end there. There are numerous nieces, nephews, cousins, etc and my life is richer because of all of them. I do still get extremely sad at times and when that happens if I start to wish that someone could just take away my memories I think about all that I would lose with them. I wouldn’t give up the memories or my family. Love you T-9-house family!❤️