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Faith of my Mother

Today I interviewed my mom for an assignment on older adult development. I should be writing my paper but I’m trying to wrap my head around all of the old and new information I have now.

I wish I would have had this kind of conversation with her earlier in my life, but I also think that the knowledge I have gained in my education gives me a different level of insight into her history.

My mom is one of the happiest and most loving people I know. Anyone who is Facebook friends with any of her children or grandchildren has probably seen her comment on a post to express her pride and love of them! She loves her family more than anything and is always grateful for any amount of time we spend with her. We were raised in a loving, Christian home and my siblings and I all agree that this made us who we are today.

My parents divorced when my sisters were adults and Denny and I were teenagers. And, of course, this impacted all of us in different ways, but it didn’t define our childhood. We had a very good childhood. My mom was not so lucky.

In his younger days, my maternal grandfather spent a lot of time in bars. I’m assuming this was part of the reason my maternal grandparents divorced when my mom and their two other children together were very young. From that point forward their childhood became chaotic. At that time mothers were usually given custody, so they would live with their mom for a while then she would “run off with a new man” and my mother’s grandma would call her father to tell him to come get the kids. Eventually they would go back to their mom. As a result, she moved so frequently that she had few childhood friends since she was never in one place long enough.

At the age of 9, my mom was raped by her stepfather. Things were very different back then. Evidence was collected in the police station and until future custody was resolved she was placed in juvenile hall in a room with bars and a locked door.

At nine years old.

For three months, three weeks, and three days.

Protective custody.

That was the standard procedure in 1950. They didn’t want anyone to influence the child prior to court proceedings. No one thought about the impact that would have on a nine-year-old.

Grandpa was in Arkansas and it took a while for him to get back to California. Mom wasn’t really sure why it took so long for him to pick her up, but she knew exactly how long it took.

Three months, three weeks, and three days.

She did have some interaction with the other residents and, as you can imagine, most of them were not the victims of crimes. She does remember that a church group came each week and took them to Sunday school. They had fun activities and could win prizes such as a bowl with a goldfish, or dolls. By the time she left she had about ten dolls. She kept them until age 15 when her dad convinced her that she was too old for them and gave them away. I never understood where she developed her love of dolls, that continued into adulthood with a collection of porcelain dolls. The dolls that she bought for each of her granddaughters have a whole new meaning for me now.

She remembers her father attending the hearings so it seems like he probably couldn’t get custody of her until after the hearings. She also remembers seeing her mom outside the courthouse with her husband, the man who raped her. They were walking, holding hands, and eating ice cream cones.

After she left juvenile hall she was able to stay with her dad for the rest of her childhood. She had a loving stepmother who had no biological children and raised them as her own. Her name was Janell and I am named after her. She was, and always will be, my grandma.

I asked my mom how she got through all of this. She said that when she was very young her grandmothers would take them to Sunday school. She remembers asking Jesus into her heart at a church youth group event at a skating rink at age 13 but she feels she was a Christian long before that. And she credits prayer and her faith with getting her through her time in juvenile hall and everything bad that has ever happened to her.

She started going to church on her own from the time she was old enough to go alone and eventually her family started attending, including her uncle, Carl Hatch, who would become a pretty well-known evangelist in Texas.

In her early forties Mom found herself alone again after my parents divorced. This is not a story I can tell except to say that my Mom did not choose to be divorced. And, due to a series of events that happened after that, culminating in a deacon at our church calling to say that Mom should not teach Sunday school anymore, I kind of lost my faith in organized religion. Today I realized how ironic that was. My mom survived all of the trials of her life due to her strong faith, but I lost my faith when someone questioned hers.

I’m still a Christian, a Catholic now. Patrick also had really strong faith and it’s one of the things I admired about him and his family. I didn’t attend mass as often as he did, and I have struggled with it since he died. Recently, Camille and I started going whenever she is home from school and I am trying to be more consistent. Talking to my mom today made me realize I need to try a little harder.

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I’m in awe of Sierra!!!!!

Patrick loved both of his girls dearly and he had unique relationships with each. The last few days I have been reminded of how proud he was of Sierra.

Sierra. My firstborn. Beautiful. Strong-willed yet loving. Confident. Smart. Witty. She has been a bit more of a challenge to parent, not because she is a bad kid, we just butt heads at times.

Sierra had a special relationship with Patrick. They loved each other dearly. They would have heated arguments about a variety of things. He knew which buttons to push and on more than one occasion she ended up going to her room in tears when he pushed a little too far. And he tested this frequently. They didn’t always see eye to eye but as she got older i think they enjoyed their debates.

He worried about her when she went to college in Long Beach. She frequently called with a variety of car and apartment issues and at one point he was convinced that she needed to just come home. I knew that she would be fine. She tended to react strongly to problems but she always worked through them.

Two years ago today, Sierra got a ride home with her Aunt Denise and surprised us for a weekend visit. I screamed when I opened the door! Patrick had been experiencing a lot of challenges at work since he became the acting Inpatient Rehab Supervisor and it had been a rough week. He was SO happy to see her! They stayed up late talking and when he came to bed he told me that having her come home was exactly what he needed. He was so very happy and proud of her.

Sierra had been telling us she was graduating in three years. We weren’t sure whether or not this was a pipe dream or actually possible. She had not been a straight A student in high school but she was always a really good student and had a lot of AP classes. Patrick and i talked about how amazing it would be if she were actually able to pull this off!

When Patrick was killed, Sierra was in Long Beach. Fortunately Denise was only 1 1/2 hours away. She called Sierra and told her something had happened at home, and to pack a bag and be ready to be picked up. Sierra did as she asked and then waited for her to arrive. She didn’t call or text anyone. I asked her about this recently and she told me that she didn’t really want to know what it was until she was actually with Denise. I think it was a very wise decision.

We cried together as I told her over the phone. Then she came home, moved into my room for a while, and we helped each other through the next few months. She was able to take incomplete grades for that semester and was given a year to make them up. When she returned to school in the fall, I just wanted her to be okay and finish one thing at a time. I assumed the 3 year plan was no longer possible.

She exceeded all of our expectations, making up her classes and sticking to the 3 year plan. She graduated with magna cum laude honors last May. I encouraged her to take a year off to study for and take the LSAT, and apply for law school. This also meant that I had another year of not being alone!

In December, she retook the LSAT and improved her score. At the end of January she submitted her first applications. I assumed it would take a while to hear back but on Friday she walked out of her room with a big grin on her face and told me she had been accepted to Southwestern with a decent size scholarship! She cautioned me that she didn’t want to get too excited because there were others to hear from and she had a few applications left. She didn’t want to make a decision until she knew all of her options. I couldn’t help it though, I sat there and imagined what it would be like to be sharing this moment with Patrick and tears poured down my face. I am SO proud of her and I can just picture the huge grin that would be on his face.

Yesterday she checked the mail and there was an admissions packet from McGeorge, UOP’s law school. UOP is Patrick’s alma mater! Inside there was a letter telling her she had been selected as an Anthony M. Kennedy fellow, an honor that includes a FULL tuition scholarship!!!!! Again the tears flowed! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine she would get this kind of scholarship! Sierra has worked hard and overcome so much. Her dad would be so proud of her! I can’t wait for her to hear from the other schools and make her final decision but WOW, she already has so many options!!! I feel like there is nothing she can’t do! I’m just going to sit back and be in awe of her for a while!

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Take these broken wings

I still remember finding the recording of Blackbird on the day Patrick died. I said at the time that I believed it was a love song to the girls and I. The whole family has embraced this and it’s really special to us. I realize that the song is about the civil rights movement but for us it has always meant that he wanted us to “learn to fly” again. 

Last April that was hard to imagine. I still have vivid memories of telling Sierra over the phone. When your world falls apart you want those you love the most to be near you. It was agonizing to have her 4 hours away and I thank God that Denise was living in Southern California at the time. I honestly don’t know what we would have done if she hadn’t been. 

I worried about how we would survive without him. Sierra took incompletes in all her classes. There was no question that she was staying home. We couldn’t have been that far apart at that point. She had been telling us for months that she was graduating at the end of her third year. We thought it was wishful thinking but she assured us it was happening. We were both very proud of her! I remember thinking that she could lighten her load and take more time to graduate. 

When she returned to Long Beach in the fall it was very hard. And she was hard on herself. She reminded me of her 3 year goal and her goal of going to law school. I told her that no one expected her to stick with that now. How could we?  She was adamant about graduating but she finally conceded that there was no shame in taking a year off in-between graduating and going to law school. She could have done the bare minimum and still graduated and I would have been proud. She could have curled up in a ball and not left the house and I would have understood. Instead, she went back and did SO well that she completed all of her makeup work with a 3.8 GPA for that semester. She is waiting for two more final grades to be entered but she is on track to have three extra words added to her diploma, “Magna Cum Laude”! I don’t know how she managed to do this. She had more strength and determination than I ever realized!

I am so proud that she found her inner strength and not only finished school, but finished with honors! I know that we still have hard moments ahead of us but it’s a good feeling to know that your child has faced adversity and beat it. 

She really took the message to heart. She learned to fly instead of using her broken wings as an excuse. She thought about using those words on her cap but she didn’t want to use the word broken. I like what she chose and I think it was a great tribute to Patrick. 

Of course I shed a few tears today. It was hard having this moment and not sharing it with Patrick. I know he is proud of her and he’s with us in spirit but we all know it’s not the same! So, I had a lot of tears of sadness. But I also had tears of joy and pride. Sierra faced adversity and she rocked it! She is going to accomplish great things and I truly could not be more  proud of her!