The big day is six days away! Needless to say I’m laying here awake with my thoughts racing through whatever might be left to do. Thank god I invested in a wedding planner as she has taken a lot of the stress off! Last week I felt like I might be getting sick so I took it easy and got some extra sleep. I can’t afford to be sick!
Something had to give though and I put less focus on studying for the National Clinical Mental Health Counseling Exam (NCMHCE). I took it two weeks ago and I was not surprised when I didn’t pass. The test is divided into two parts and I did well on one part but you need to pass both. Honestly I’m just relieved that I can take a break from studying.
The licensing process is a little confusing since I attend an out of state, online school. Once I graduate in April I can register as an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC). Then I need to have 3,000 hours of supervised experience before I apply for my license. After I registered for the NCMHCE, I found out that California doesn’t allow applicants to take the exam until they have finished their supervised hours. So I actually took it over two years too early! I’m confident I will pass when I take it again.
My schedule is packed this week and if everyone shows up it will be the most clients I have seen in one week, even though I will only be there two days! I wish things were a little slower the week of my wedding but it will probably make time fly by!
I think I am mostly ready. I worry that I’m going to miss something. On Friday we had a final meeting at the venue. The wedding planner asked how we would like to be introduced and I said, ” Mr. & Mrs. Bruce Smith”. In case you didn’t know, that is NOT Bruce’s last name! And I have no idea where that came from! I will never live it down!
So that pretty much sums up my life right now, happy chaos!
It’s hard to believe I retired from Aetna over 2 1/2 years ago. When you work at a job for over 22 years it becomes a big part of your life. And the people you work with become family. You don’t always realize just how much time you spend together. You take it for granted…
The year 2000 was possibly my best year ever at Aetna. Our Seattle sales team was trying to land a big client, Nordstrom, known for their excellent customer service. Up until that time, in our office at least, claims were handled in one unit and customer service in another. A decision was made to offer Nordstrom a dedicated unit, staffed by service consultants, who would be trained to take calls and process claims. At the time, I was a supervisor of HMO customer service. Nordstrom was being offered HMO in some areas and PPO in others. Before we even won the contract I was promoted to handle the HMO team. Sarah McQuay was fairly new to our office but not to health insurance. She was promoted to lead the PPO team, which was the majority of the business. We hadn’t worked together but we quickly bonded when we found out that the sales team wanted to interview us for the jobs we had already been hired for!
Sarah was the perfect person to lead the Nordstrom team. She was always stylishly dressed and she loved Nordstrom! I’m not sure if I had ever even been in a Nordstrom and I had to step up my game and do some shopping before we met the customer. Luckily Aetna was ultimately selected to be the health insurance carrier for Nordstrom. Sarah and I went to Seattle to meet the HR staff and learn about the Nordstrom culture before training our teams.
Sarah was a lot of fun to travel with and we had a great time sight seeing and shopping, at Nordstrom of course! We felt it was important to dress the part and we found a lot of great deals on the sales racks!
Sarah and I spent four or five years as partners on the Nordstrom account. Our cubicles shared a wall so it was easy to communicate. We were a great team since Sarah was an early bird and arrived at some ungodly hour like 5:30 or 6:00. I rolled in around 9:00 and stayed after she went home. We shared opening and closing duties with the other supervisors but our partnership ensured that I never had to open and she never had to close.
I was Sarah’s personal IT desk and it was fun to help her over the years. Even years later, when I moved to another position, she would call or IM me and I would come help her. If she remembered something I taught her, she made sure I knew and was proud of her!
Sarah loved meeting Patrick and hearing stories about him. In fact, she was privy to a little bit too much information and usually knew things I would not tell others.
Sarah tended to be more of a homebody and usually didn’t socialize outside of work but one year we convinced her to go to the Christmas party and Patrick and I picked her up. We were in our 30’s at the time, with two small children so a night out was a treat! When the party ended we were reluctant to end the night so a group of us decided to go out for drinks. We ended up at the bar in the bowling alley. We had to practically kidnap Sarah to get her to go. Actually I kind of think we DID kidnap her since she really had no choice. There was only one problem, the bar carded everyone and made you leave if you didn’t have an ID. One person in our group had forgotten their ID and it was the oldest person, Sarah! Patrick offered to take her home to get the ID but she was thrilled to have an excuse to leave and no way was she coming back!
Sarah loved birthdays and her team loved her! They always decorated the entire unit and made her feel like a celebrity. One year the theme was her beloved Rod Stewart. Another year it was the academy awards. I managed to find some pictures from her birthday on October 10, 2002 and I’m including them below.
I don’t think I had seen Sarah since we both retired in January 2017. I’ve been told she was devastated about Patrick and was worried about me. I don’t know if she had heard I am getting married but I would have loved for her to meet Bruce, she would have thought he was really cute!
On Friday I was driving near where she lived and thought about calling her but I was going shopping so I decided not to. I had also been thinking about her when Aaron’s name kept popping up as a friend suggestion. I’ve said before that i don’t think those sort of thoughts are a coincidence so next time I’m thinking about an old friend, I’m going to call.
I will miss you Sarah! If I know Patrick, I’m sure he made sure you had a glass of white wine in your hand as soon as you arrived!
At the Christmas partyArt installment in Seattle – painted pigs! LolMy turn!Beautiful classy Sarah! 2000Sarah and Melinda from NordstromBirthday Girl!Happy Birthday Buddy! See the red carpet?They always had a good spread and great gifts! She was very loved!
I find myself with very little time to write these days and I really miss it. I am going through the most intense, stressful, and wonderful time right now! Sometimes it’s hard to balance it all but it will be worth it in the long run.
Bruce and I moved into our new home in mid July. I started my practicum the next week. Some days I still can’t believe I’ve made it this far. Since graduating from Fresno State nearly 30 years ago, I have never had a job that I loved this much. I never felt adequate as a teacher. Aetna was a good career and I don’t regret it but it didn’t give me a lot of satisfaction. I sometimes worried that I was just doomed to fail.
Over the last few years I felt pretty good about what I was learning and I thought I would like it but I worried that I would feel unprepared and awkward. I was not at all sure what my practicum would be like. Many of my classmates are at sites where they shadow another counselor, at least initially. At my site they did some training and then I started seeing clients on my own. All of my notes are reviewed and signed by my supervisor and I have been observed a few times but basically I am allowed to counsel on my own and it’s been wonderful!
Don’t get me wrong, I still have a LOT to learn and I know I will improve over time. But I feel like I am helping my clients. They don’t always make huge gains between sessions and some only come for one session but I feel really good about the work I have done. And I am so grateful for this opportunity!
I am only doing this because of Patrick. When he died I thought my life was pretty much over too. Then I saw the love that everyone had for him and for the girls and I. I saw the many lives he touched and it made me want to do something more with my life. I will miss him every day for the rest of my life. I will mourn for all the time we did not get with him. Most of all I will mourn for all the important things he will miss out on. But I’m not sad anymore.
I am grateful for the full life I have now. I live in a beautiful home with a man I love dearly. I have two incredible, amazing, brilliant, and beautiful daughters. My life is both less and more than I ever dreamed. I choose to be happy and I choose to love.
Next month I will be taking the National Clinical Mental Health Counseling Exam (NCMHCE) so I probably won’t be writing or doing much of anything except go to work and study. In November we will be married. I’m still amazed that this is my life! And I am very grateful!
I’ve known Bruce for almost 12 months now, yet it seems like much longer. There are so many reasons we fell in love. I want to backtrack a little bit and tell you some of the things I love about Bruce and about our story.
Bruce treats me like a queen. He always opens the car door for me, even if I’m the one driving! And he tells me I’m beautiful every day.
Our favorite thing to do is anything we do together. It doesn’t need to be anything fancy. We genuinely enjoy spending time together! And Bruce loves his children, which is another reason I love him! When we first started dating he pulled out a picture of he and his girls at one of the Freedom Elementary father-daughter dances. I pulled up a picture of Patrick and my girls at the same dance! Denny was also there with his girls! Such a small world!
In early February we visited our first model home. As I mentioned in my last post, we went there to get ideas for my remodel. Bruce took me to the Granville models to show me one of his favorite models, the “Bella”. We looked at all of their models and as we walked around we discussed the things we both wanted in our next home. We originally wanted a one story home, with at least 4 bedrooms, a walk-in pantry, 3-car garage, a makeup vanity for me, and of course, lots of space to have family over. I always thought I would downsize and we both thought we were a little ridiculous for looking at bigger houses. In the end we decided we wanted space for the kids, even if they’re not here much. And we wanted a great house for having family get togethers in. So we bought a large Wathen Castanos “spec” home. It was still being built but close to being done. We didn’t get to pick any finishes but we loved everything about it!
The last 6 months have been a whirlwind of activity and that’s why I haven’t blogged much. Getting my house ready for paint and flooring and putting both houses on the market took a ton of time. I’ll write more about the whole process but I wanted to catch you up on everything!
Bruce’s house sold first and he was waiting for that to happen in order to make a particular purchase. He was out of town when it closed. When he got back in town we went to look at rings and we were both impatient so he bought it on June 30th. I still consider our first model home visit the true proposal! When we got in the car I asked him to put the ring on my finger. Then we FaceTimed my dad so he could officially ask his permission. The camera was on Bruce and when my dad said “of course” I turned it to me and said, “Good answer!” as I waved my ring at him! Two weeks later we got the keys to our new home and moved in that Saturday. On Monday, July 15th I started my counseling practicum. Who knew so many wonderful things could happen at the same time? We haven’t really begun planning…once I get more settled in at work and unpacked at home we can work on wedding plans…and maybe take a nap!
I am the first to admit that dating me is a lot! Bruce is an only child and only grandchild so it was somewhat of a culture shock when he met my family. He actually met the teNyenhuis side first! I tried to introduce him to small groups at a time but that is a challenge when we spend so much time together. After a month of dating he met all of my siblings and helped us move into the beach house. I introduced him and he was immediately put to work carrying furniture up stairs and putting things together. We still had things to buy so I left him with the guys while Dawan and I went shopping for a few hours. He likes to say I left him for 10 hours but don’t believe him!
Everyone seemed to like him and that made me very happy! But I knew things were going well when I overheard Tom talking to my Dad the next morning. The conversation was something like this, “We we’re trying to do … then Bruce said… we did this… Bruce thought we could… Bruce suggested…”. You get the picture, he fit so seamlessly into the family!
Then he met more family. Then I took him to the Boyles family reunion, then Ravioli Day. He was proud when he could remember a few names and then I would introduce him to more. We spent Christmas Eve and morning with my family and then I took him to Prandini Christmas. After each big event I gave hm space to decompress. And then he was always ready to meet more people!
Boyles Family Reunion!
In September I had a small flood at my house and it was in a state of disrepair for months. I couldn’t decide what to do. Should I have it repaired? Should I have additional work done? I thought about doing a kitchen remodel and Bruce suggested I get ideas from model homes. He told me he enjoyed visiting the models and there were a few he really liked. We had a blast looking at the models and I found myself imagining what the future might hold. Then he asked if I might like to buy a house together. I’m sure I had a big grin on my face when I told him that I would love that! Then he added that of course he would want to marry me! My grin got even bigger!
We started looking at more houses and I decided not to remodel my kitchen. Instead I started getting it ready to sell.
Even before the conversation at the model home we had talked hypothetically about moving in together. Bruce’s house was nice but it had limited parking and that would not work for family get-togethers! My house made more sense but I worried that it would be hard for Bruce to feel like it was his home. We decided it would be better to move to a house that was ours together.
Next step, find our new home. I’ll tell you all about it in my next post!
A year after Patrick died I wrote about my experience so far. In One Year Later I described what it felt like to be going on a familiar path and then having everything change in the blink of an eye. I tried to describe how, in the midst of so much sadness, there were still moments of unexpected happiness.
As I entered the second year I started thinking about dating. I have to say that I probably had the idea that I would find someone I was comfortable with, who would be a good companion. They might have faults but I would put up with them because I hated being alone. I didn’t even dare to hope that I would actually find someone I could truly love!
Bruce and I met on OK Cupid last August. I don’t remember who contacted the other first but we not swiped right and started talking on Monday, August 13th (Happy Birthday Shayna Danell 😉). Here is one of his profile pics. I love that it says we like each other!
I seem to remember that we switched to phone calls early on, which I really enjoyed. His profile said he lived in Clovis so I asked him what part of town and he told me his cross streets were Ashlan and Locan and those also happen to be my cross streets! 👀 👀 I think I might have actually looked out the window at that point. 😂 Fortunately he wasn’t a stalker and had lived just across Locan from me for the last 4 years. In fact we have lived less than a mile from each other for the last 16 years. Our kids were in different grades but went to all the same schools together! We made plans to go to dinner that Saturday night but as that got closer I suggested that we meet for coffee on Friday. I met him at Starbucks and we were so comfortable that he suggested we go to dinner. He gave me the option of taking separate cars but of course I wanted to ride in his cute little convertible!
The next night he picked me up for the dinner date we had originally planned. Once again, we were enjoying each other’s company so much that we decided to extend the date and go see a movie (Crazy Rich Asians). From that point on we talked multiple times per day and saw each other almost daily, sometimes walking the short distance between our houses. Usually we would meet in the middle.
I want to get this story right so I decided to divide it up into several parts. I will post more tomorrow!
Twenty seven years ago today! I remember the day so clearly! I was probably awake in bed, too excited to sleep. My dad spent the night in the apartment with me and that was really nice. Patrick was at his parent’s house. The day and really the rest of my life were planned out perfectly. Large wedding with everyone we loved. ✔️ Honeymoon cruise. ✔️ Buy a house ✔️ Two to three kids in four to five years. ✔️
I could go on and on. I’ve said it before. ALL of my dreams came true except one, to grow old together. And I think the fact that I was so happy and had such a good life has enabled me to move forward and remember him with smiles instead of tears.
It’s difficult to sort out my feelings these days. I have so much to be thankful for and I’ve experienced love and happiness that I didn’t think was possible. But I still have moments where I think, “Oh yeah, THAT happened”. I don’t think those will ever completely go away and I probably wouldn’t want them to. I’m grateful that Bruce is comfortable with me talking to him about Patrick. I couldn’t handle having to suppress those feelings!
I finally got all of the work on the house finished and it sold in TWO DAYS!!! It’s a little crazy that I made the house so nice and now I’m leaving! And I do have a lot of memories here but I feel that it’s time to start fresh. I can’t wait to move into our new home, probably in about two weeks!!!
In one week I finish my last non-practicum class! Then I start my practicum and I will officially be counseling! People will trust me with their mental well being! I hope I’m up to the task!
So what would Patrick say about all this? He would make some self-deprecating comment about Bruce. Maybe he would say that it’s about time I got a decent man. Then he would ask if he could drive Bruce’s convertible! He might say he always knew I would trade him in for a newer model but he’s not surprised I picked another 1967 model. Because that was an awesome year!
I think he would like my career choice. It’s not something we ever discussed so who knows?
Happy Anniversary Patrick! I will always love you!
My word of the year never really seemed to fit. Yes, there are things I want to build on, but another word chose me. A few years ago I went on a field trip with Camille to an Asian museum in San Francisco. I found a book called, “Tidying Up – The Japanese Art of Decluttering”. Decluttering has been a goal of mine for some time so I bought the book and started reading it on the bus ride back to Clovis. Then I got home, got busy with life, and forgot about it.
I spent a lot of time uncluttering during the first months after Patrick died. Having the house more organized was good for my mental state. And making small changes in the house was also good. In fact, I think it was part of the grieving process. Making changes helped a lot and I wrote several blogs about it.
Decluttering worked for a while but I was just scratching the surface. I needed more inspiration!
Right after I met Bruce I had a small flood at my house and my house has not been back to normal since then. Did I mention that Bruce doesn’t like clutter? It’s amazing that he can even spend time in my house. Fortunately I want to live a clutter-free life so that has been my focus. Several months ago I noticed a new series on Netflix called “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”. I was intrigued by it, especially when I realized she was the author of the book I had bought! I began watching the show and committed myself to the Konmari method! I’ve probably watched each episode at least 10 times! I keep it on in the background while I declutter in the hope that it will imprint on my subconscious! 😂 😝 😆
The basic premise of the Konmari method is that you only keep items that bring you joy. Some of it sounds really corny but it has been a great method for me. It’s not a quick fix. You go through one category at a time so you have to be patient and disciplined. But it works! If you want to try it, watch her show on Netflix or buy one of her books! I highly recommend them!
I can’t stress enough how much this decluttering helps my mood and stress levels!
I had to pause the tidying up a bit because I am getting the house ready to sale. That means fresh paint and new flooring. So I’ve been moving things from one room to another, packing things up to put in storage, and getting rid of things. And of course I’ve found a lot of memories. 💕 And they definitely bring me joy!
Here are a few pics of my progress and some of the memories I found.
Before and after pics of organizing my drawers.One of many trips to the Salvation Army.Patrick at Footlocker Nationals with the Mikel t-shirts we wore. Thank you Lisa for giving us all a photo cd in 2004!As I was deciding if this book brought me joy, a photo fell out.This is my grandpa, and the picture brought me joy! The book is a keeper!From Lisa’s cd, Patrick holding Katie! ❤️Patrick and Travis at one of our 4th of July parties!My newly painted front door!Progress and a little chaos!New carpet in my bedroom!
Exactly three years ago, April 20th, just after midnight, I only had a few hours left with Patrick and I didn’t even know it. He went to bed before I did so I was probably still awake at this point. When I got in bed he was sound asleep. And when he woke up, I was sound asleep. It’s so crazy to think about it. I try to stay away from thinking “what if” but it’s inevitable. That day will forever replay in my mind and it is still mind-boggling that it even happened.
The girls both got home today and that made me very happy. As I waited, I checked the Find My Friends app frequently, as the dots representing them got closer and closer. We didn’t use that back then. I think I tried to use it but it kept getting mysteriously turned off. Now it is a comfort for us to always know where the others are, especially since they are at opposite ends of the state! Today I couldn’t help but remember our reunion in the driveway when Sierra got in from LA that day. We held each other and sobbed but I was so relieved to have them with me.
I thank God for my girls. Well, God, and Patrick. They were my reason to keep going and I am so proud of them. I wish Patrick could be here in person to see it but I know he is always with us in spirit.
As time has passed, the pain has become more bearable, but it will always be there. I focus instead on the happy memories and I try to live life being grateful for all that I have had. I am blessed that I had almost 30 years with Patrick. And I have to say that this has been more bearable because of the man he was. Thinking of him feels me with happiness. He loved the girls and I and he is present in our lives, reminding us to be happy. I owe it to him to live a good life.
Recently I found some picture CDs that I had forgotten so I decided to share a few of those pictures today. As always, remember Patrick today by doing something nice, making someone laugh, or just being corny!
Not sure exactly when this was but I love his smile!Out for our nightly walk with the girls.Camping with the Boyles family.
At Dina & Jeff’s weddingIn Seattle for Damian & Suzanne’s wedding.Patrick won the naming contest!At my 20-year reunion. That is some seriously red hair!
Today Is Patrick’s 52nd birthday. I can’t believe that this is the third birthday we’ve spent without him. So much has changed but it still seems like yesterday.
I couldn’t be with both girls this year. Sierra has something going on for school. So Bruce and I drove to Davis to be with Camille for Picnic Day, which is a lot of fun!
Camille took us around downtown for a while last night. She was narrating while walking and I’m sure her dad would have loved it. At one point we realized we were at the edge of downtown and needed to turn back. Then she looked in the window of the building we were walking by and there was Zoltar! There are always little reminders of Patrick.
The Zoltar arcade fortune teller was in the movie Big and was the reason Tom Hanks’ character turned into an adult. Patrick thought it was a cool sounding name so he liked to use it he called in an order for sandwiches, especially if someone else was picking it up. He always had to be different. 🙂 When he signed up for the Port of Subs discount card he put his name as Mr. Sandwich. One time he wanted Camille to pick up Port of Subs and she didn’t want to go alone. He agreed to go with her if she would walk in and say, “I am Zoltar”. She agreed and off they went. When they walked in they said, “for Zoltar”? Camille knew she could probably be off the hook but her dad wouldn’t have let her off that easy so she said, “I am Zoltar”. Patrick went to pay and gave him his phone number and the cashier looked surprised and said “Mr. Sandwich?” Patrick replied without missing a beat, “Yes, and this is my daughter, Zoltar”. That guy…
We’ve had a nice day so far. Camille loves it here and I can only imagine how proud he would be of her. I’m glad that we have so many great memories of Patrick! Happy Birthday Mr. Sandwich! I will always love you!!!
