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Happily married mother of two 9-17-16

Originally posted on 9/17/16. I’m still working to get everything transferred from my old blog. It’s nice to read the old entries and see that I feel at least a little better now!

I’ve been looking at my social profile descriptions recently. They basically all say the same thing. “I am a happily married mother of two”. I just can’t bring myself to change them. Who would I be then?

One of the hardest parts of losing your spouse is losing part of your identity. I’m not really ready to embrace the term widow but I get annoyed when it is not an option on paperwork because I’m definitely not single. And I may never change my relationship status on Facebook. Widow is just such a sad term and I don’t like doing the sad thing!

I’ve been shredding old paperwork and I got rid of all of “our” address labels. Today I was wondering if I should save some of the paperwork from our early life together. Canceled checks, bank statements, doctors bills, etc. I really have no need for any of these things but it was a really odd feeling to shred them. I did save a few checks so I would have a copy of his signature.

There are a still a lot of things in both of our names. I’ve only changed what I had to. I’m in no rush to change them all. I feel like it’s a step forward each time I do something like that but there is no timeline in getting it all done.

I realize that I’m still the same person I was on April 19th. I will always be Patrick’s wife. And I’m still a mother of two. Unhappily widowed? Tragically widowed? I’ll just leave the happily married part for now.

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I’m off work again. My counselor and I have been having weekly discussions about my struggles and I just needed a break. Maybe I went back too soon. The thing is I just can’t handle being stressed or feeling like I can’t hold it together all day. Doing a good job is really important to me and if I feel like I’m not it affects my whole outlook.

Here’s the deal, I suffer from depression and anxiety. I’m putting this out there since I know I have an audience. I refuse to sweep it under a rug. For many years I felt that I was less of a person. I questioned why I had trouble in instances that other people could handle. I’ve been on medication at different times and I used to feel that I should try to stop taking it. I had a great life, why did I need anti-depressants?

My sister Dawan finally explained it in a way that made sense. She asked if I would take heart medication if I had a heart condition. I told her of course I would! And she asked why this would be different. What an eye opener! This is a REAL condition that is helped by medication. I no longer try to wean myself off of the medication because I know it DOES help me.

There is still a real stigma attached to mental health issues. And I admit that I was concerned about that when I went out of work again. But right now I just need to find joy in my life and that was hard when I was working. Hopefully I will be able to do a bit of that and get some exercise AND some sleep! I do want to make long term plans and they probably won’t include my current job. I wish that I could just cut the strings now and decide not to go back at all. That is a big decision that I am in no position to make right now. So I am taking some time, weighing my options, hoping I don’t make bad decisions. Nothing about this is easy. I am just grateful that I am surrounded by people who love me and want to help.

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Off work again – 9/15/16

Originally posted on 9/15/16

I’m off work again. My counselor and I have been having weekly discussions about my struggles and I just needed a break. Maybe I went back too soon. The thing is I just can’t handle being stressed or feeling like I can’t hold it together all day. Doing a good job is really important to me and if I feel like I’m not it affects my whole outlook.

Here’s the deal, I suffer from depression and anxiety. I’m putting this out there since I know I have an audience. I refuse to sweep it under a rug. For many years I felt that I was less of a person. I questioned why I had trouble in instances that other people could handle. I’ve been on medication at different times and I used to feel that I should try to stop taking it. I had a great life, why did I need anti-depressants?

My sister Dawan finally explained it in a way that made sense. She asked if I would take heart medication if I had a heart condition. I told her of course I would! And she asked why this would be different. What an eye opener! This is a REAL condition that is helped by medication. I no longer try to wean myself off of the medication because I know it DOES help me.

There is still a real stigma attached to mental health issues. And I admit that I was concerned about that when I went out of work again. But right now I just need to find joy in my life and that was hard when I was working. Hopefully I will be able to do a bit of that and get some exercise AND some sleep! I do want to make long term plans and they probably won’t include my current job. I wish that I could just cut the strings now and decide not to go back at all. That is a big decision that I am in no position to make right now. So I am taking some time, weighing my options, hoping I don’t make bad decisions. Nothing about this is easy. I am just grateful that I am surrounded by people who love me and want to help.

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#dontdriveimpaired by Jennifer teNyenhuis

This needs to be a thing, just like don’t drink and drive, don’t drive impaired. If you drank heavily tonight, do not drive in the morning, you are most likely impaired. If you did meth a night or two or three ago, do not drive, you are likely impaired. If you just worked a 13 hour shift do not drive, you are likely impaired. What can likely happen if you drive whilst impaired? Your reactions will be delayed, you can fall asleep at the wheel, you can run over a child innocently playing outside or run over someone innocently crossing the street…. You can violently take the life of someone innocently out for their routine morning bike ride. If you drive while impaired, you will likely kill another person and bring enormous grief to that persons wife, children, mother, father, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, co workers…. The person that you just killed, because you chose to drive while impaired, you not only took their life, you destroyed the lives of so many. It is a choice you make, choose to not drive impaired.
#donotdriveimpaired


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Stages – 9/12/16

Originally posted 9/12/16

I’ve been thinking a lot about the stages of grief. I have experienced most of them but not in a neat orderly fashion. And, I am beginning to suspect that you never really get through any of them.

Although I didn’t realize it at the time I believe now that I was initially in shock. For a LONG time. When I think back on the initial days and weeks I almost feel like I am watching a scene from someone else’s life. I functioned at minimum capacity. I let others help me with the things I could not do. I was in pain but I really had not even begun to FEEL the loss. They say denial is one of the first stages. At the time I thought I was doing pretty good with that stage. I knew he was gone. The funny thing is that my mind is no longer in denial but my heart is. I seem to have these inner arguments with the mind stating the facts and the heart stating that it is JUST. NOT. POSSIBLE. I guess at some point they will come to some sort of agreement but right now my heart is definitely winning. So denial is an ongoing stage.

That day seems to run on an endless loop in my head. I study it and try to comprehend how I got through. If I start to feel happy my mind says “Wait, maybe you haven’t seen this movie?” And then the FACTS are laid out before me and I know he’s really gone. I’m not sharing this for sympathy or pity. I assume that most people who read this are hurting too. I’m sharing because I never imagined grief was like this.

I have experienced some anger. A little at the person who caused this. Mainly indifference to him because I just can’t waste any emotions on him right now. I have also been irrationally angry at Patrick. Why did he have to be so devoted to working out? How could he leave me? I do realize that this was not a choice he made. Mainly I am just mad at the Universe. He was too young to die.

The depression stage comes and goes.
This last week I’ve been very emotional. I have good days and bad days but I really missed him this week. It’s still hard to comprehend going through life without him. I had a very busy weekend and saw a lot of friends and family so that helped pull me back up. And while I was sad I let myself cry often. I think it’s good and I always feel a little better.

I think acceptance is kind of elusive. And really, why would you ever want to accept losing someone you love? Maybe it should be called resignation instead? I guess it is just going to take time to deal with all of the different emotions. I wish there was a shortcut through grief. Unfortunately you have to go through all of it in order to move forward. One step at a time.

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All the things we accumulate – 9/5/16

I’ve been trying to do some organizing and de-cluttering. I feel that less clutter will help me feel better. We were both kind of pack rats. I think that comes from growing up without a lot of excess. Neither one of us wanted to get rid of something that we might potentially need at some point. Patrick pretended not to be but I found 10-15 pairs of used insoles in his shoe bin so the proof is there! So I’m trying to get rid of some of the non-essential stuff.

Sometimes it just seems like there is not a place for everything that I want to keep and this is the reason we had clutter to begin with. Ironically I now have some extra space for things if I wanted to use it. A dresser, a night stand, half of a closet…

Seriously though, I have not thrown out his tooth-brush. It’s funny how there are some things that are easy to let go of. I had no problem bidding farewell to the insoles. This weekend I cleaned out the bathroom cabinets and got rid of most of his various shaving creams, lotions, etc. His deodorant is in a sealed bag with a few T-shirts I pulled out of the laundry. I figured it would help preserve the familiar scent. But I can’t seem to let go of the toothbrush. There’s just something comforting about it being there.

His wallet still has $10 in it. I know that he won’t have an opportunity to spend it but I just didn’t want to take it. In typical Patrick style he didn’t carry a lot of cash. He probably wanted to be able to say he didn’t have cash to get me a Diet Pepsi! Lol. So I always made sure he had some in there.

And the clothes…I can’t imagine walking into my closet and not having them in there. I let several cousins and nephews pick out shirts to wear to the service and I let them keep them. This made it easier to let go. And we are planning to make quilts out of his t-shirts and flannels. I know why I am attached to those. He never willingly got rid of any t-shirt! You could find him in the yard on any given weekend in a stained t-shirt with some holes. He didn’t want to ruin any of his “good” shirts. The shirt he was wearing in the Blackbird video was a gift from my mom and I’m pretty sure we were not even married yet!! It also happened to be in the laundry basket so it’s in the sealed bag. I’m sure just about any of his friends or family could describe at least one of his shirts because he literally wore them over and over!

So I am finding other things to clear out, for now. Eventually it will be easier to let go of more but I know there is no timetable for this and even if there were, I don’t care, I’ll do it at my own pace. A little at a time. Grief is just not very good company. I let it visit occasionally since it’s the right thing to do. Then I think of something crazy Patrick did or said and grief vanishes for a while.

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Gratitude 9/4/16

Yesterday I noticed the calendar on the side of my fridge out of the corner of my eye. Patrick liked to have it there to record important dates. I record everything on my phone and never use the calendar so I had a sneaking suspicion that it was probably on April and I was right. I thought that made perfect sense. In a lot of ways time stopped in April and it’s hard to move past what happened. On the other hand I have realized that I have a lot to be thankful for. I never want to say that anything good happened “because he died”. There is really nothing positive about the fact that he is gone. I guess a better way to put it is that in addition to all of the sadness, I’ve experienced a lot of good since he died. 

I am extremely grateful for my family. The whole huge extended Boyles/Hatch/teNyenhuis/Prandini clan! I have 3 siblings and over 20 cousins. Patrick had 4 siblings and over 30 cousins! And they are all very close families. As you get older it is harder to keep track of everyone’s growing families and you just don’t spend as much time together. Now my immediate families have almost merged. Sierra and Camille used to have trouble keeping track of everyone. In the days immediately following the accident as we spent time with extended family they regularly quizzed me about how everyone fit in. Now they have a really good handle on it and have told me how much they enjoy seeing everyone more often. We have been having extended family get togethers on the first Friday of each month. Family was very important to Patrick and we all agree that he would be very happy that we are spending more time together. 

The girls and I have also learned a lot about how Patrick spent his days at work. He was very well loved by patients and co-workers. I was particularly surprised at how many people “got” his crazy sense of humor. He did drive some of them crazy and I’ve enjoyed hearing those stories too! I could really commiserate with his office manager Jennifer who tried to keep him in line during the day since I wasn’t around to do it. We knew he was good at his job but I am so happy that my girls now have so much evidence of that. 

Sierra, Camille and I have discovered inner strength that we didn’t know we had. Camille was a rock and went back to school the week after the service. She finished her school year by excelling at her AP tests and doing extremely well on the SAT. Basically she did exactly what her dad would have done. Sierra became my protector and sounding board. In the week after the service we went back to Long Beach to move her home. While there she interviewed for a spot on the Moot Court team and was selected. The CSULB team is very successful and she will get to travel with them to tournaments, including one here in Fresno. This will help her as she prepares to apply to law school. 

I have found an increased sense of confidence. For years I have felt that I failed at teaching and didn’t always feel I had purpose at my current insurance job. I really would not have thought I could get through something like this. I have discovered that staying calm in a traumatic situation is actually a strength I possess. I am currently researching how I might use that in a future career. I am beginning to make plans to return to school, probably in psychology or counseling. This was not in my plans at all prior to this and it’s a little exciting! 

I also continue to appreciate the fact that I had close to 30 years with this wonderful man! Many people don’t ever get to experience the kind of relationship we had. When I start getting sad I just try to pull up one of the many, many happy memories I have and that usually gets me through. 

Every day is still really hard but I am really grateful that there are occasional bright spots!

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Don’t avoid the discussions – 8/31/16

Today’s PSA is for all of you married couples who know you need a will but you’re not planning on dying so no rush, right? You’ll do it someday. Who wants to talk about death? That’s no fun!Guess when it’s REALLY not fun to talk about it? When you no longer have the chance to discuss it with your spouse! 

So first, let’s talk about the will. We did not have wills. And in this situation it hasn’t really presented any problems. We were both each other’s beneficiaries so it wasn’t that complicated. However, if something had happened to both of us it would have been more difficult for the girls. Honestly I didn’t even know about everything that was out there. There was a VA pension that his former coworkers told me about and I discovered that I was paying for an AD&D policy in addition to the one he had. I am now going through the process of finalizing my will. Not only will it say what I want to do with everything but it will also be a record of all the important information. I am paying to have it done because my brain is scrambled, but there are a lot of websites where you can do it yourself and just get it notarized. So don’t procrastinate on this! Especially if you have kids!

Next, final wishes/funeral plans. Again, not a fun conversation. I’m actually kind of glad we didn’t have this in writing. Patrick hated funerals. He didn’t want any money spent on him. Put him in a cardboard box, etc. To be clear, when we did discuss this I pretty much told him that if he died first I would do whatever the heck I wanted. I told him that funerals were for the living. If we had a long life together then I probably would have been fine with doing it differently but in an unexpected and tragic situation you are looking for what seems best for those who are left behind. So, have this conversation. Try to honor each other’s wishes but maybe give your spouse your blessing to do what comforts them the most?

I also suggest that you take a look at what each of you handle in the household. For example I paid all of the bills and just about everything was electronic. Patrick would have had no clue what to do if I had died first. I did have an agreement with my friend Lisa that we would help each other’s spouses through this scenario but I never gave her important info so it still would have been a nightmare! And figuring out the swimming pool has been a bit of a nightmare for me. I am happy to say I think I have a handle on it now but I wish I had spent more time with him learning how to do all the outside things. 

So please, have the uncomfortable conversations! And do it sooner rather than later. Patrick knew a lot of things that would have made things easier for me. I am slowly figuring it out but if you can, just handle it now!