2016 Tree Unfurling
Joy, laughter and love
Christmas is only seven days away. I can’t believe it’s almost here. I am so unprepared. I haven’t done much shopping and we still need a tree. Of course I don’t have as much shopping to do this year and I’m not really prepared for that reality. Honestly, I’m a little nervous about the emotions. I’ve been able to hold it together for the most part but I am dreading Christmas Day. I’m also looking forward to having it behind me.
Patrick was always hard to buy for. He didn’t like to spend money on himself and rarely felt he needed anything. In past years I have constantly been on the lookout for gifts that he would like. This year I find myself continuing to do that. I’ll see something and get excited and then I remember… Almost eight months later and it still doesn’t seem real. I keep thinking I will get to the point where I always remember that he is gone but right now I “remember” multiple times per day and it’s always jarring.
Last night Sierra and I did a little decorating. She found Aggie’s stocking and suddenly she burst into tears. I knew exactly what the tears were for because it’s been in the back of my mind too. The stockings…
Patrick and his siblings all had personalized hand-knit stockings when they were growing up. I thought this was really cool. Having a name like Danell, I was never able to find personalized items. His mom also had someone make them for the grandchildren. I asked her if I could order one for myself and of course she ordered it and paid for it. So now we have four stockings. And the stocking hangers are letters. L-O-V-E. We set the stockings aside for now. Yet another reminder of all that has changed.
We are used to change by now. In fact, we almost thrive on change. If something doesn’t go the way we planned and disappointment starts to set in, we tell ourselves that this is not the worst thing that has ever happened to us. We know what it is like when the worst happens and we made it through that. If we got through that, we can get through anything.
Friday we were prepared to go to a soccer tournament in Bakersfield. I was excited to see the team play again and I was taking my car on the first road trip. I had plans to stay with my cousin Kelly and Sierra was meeting us there. The team was excited for their only overnight trip. We were all disappointed when the tournament was cancelled at the last minute. I invited the team over for dinner and a sleepover. All but a few accepted. I’m sure some people thought I was crazy but I will never turn down the opportunity to fill my house with joy and these girls are joyful! They played music and laughed. I think there was dancing too. I was prepared for little sleep but amazingly they all went to sleep around 1:30. They blew up air mattresses and found couch space and then it was very quiet. I suspect that the captain’s (probably Peyton) told them it was time to sleep and of course they listened! Sierra got home during the party so we hung out together in my room and smiled at all of the happy sounds.
The team will always hold a special place in my heart because I associate them with wonderful memories from our last months with Patrick. I felt blessed to get to experience them having fun.
This week will be hard. We will try to find time for laughter and that will help. I know we will make it through because we are surrounded by love, just like we have been for the past eight months. And honestly, this won’t be the worst thing we have been through. Merry Christmas!!🎄🎁
Christmas Traditions
I’ve always heard that the holidays can be difficult for some people but I’ve never understood it. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. In addition to the fact that it is Jesus’ birthday, you have all of the lights, decorations, parties, presents and food, how could anyone be sad? Was I really that oblivious?
Growing up, Christmas was a big deal in the Boyles family. On Christmas Eve we would drive to Porterville and spend the night in my grandparents three bedroom house. This included their six children plus spouses and 16 grand children!!! I know that there were maybe one or two travel trailers, vans, etc but I honestly have no idea where everyone slept! I was a kid and didn’t care where I slept as long as I was with my siblings and cousins. On Christmas morning we would admire everyone’s Santa presents and then we would all open presents in the living room. I’m sure my memory is playing tricks on me but I could swear the piles of wrapping paper were 3 feet high! Eventually this tradition stopped as the family grew larger.
Patrick grew up with a more subdued Christmas morning. I’m pretty sure it was usually Mom, Pop and their five kids. The afternoon was when the magic happened. The Prandini’s would gather earlier in the month to make raviolis. On Christmas Day they would all gather and enjoy them. I don’t know all of the details but I do know this has happened every Christmas since I started dating Patrick. At that time Nona was the matriarch of the family and the get together was centered around her five children: Carlo, Argilia, Tony, Angelo and Barbara Ann. That grew to include their children, their grandchildren, a few great grandchildren and various adopted family members. The gathering is so large now that each family introduces themselves because it is hard to keep track of so many people!
There were times during my marriage that the thought of a quiet Christmas at home was appealing to me but I also didn’t want to miss any of the festivities. I always thought it was strange when people would discuss how much they hated going to their in-laws. We never fought about who we were spending Christmas with. We spent it with both families, every single year. One year we spent the morning with my family and then midday with the Prandini’s. Then we went to my cousin Keith’s house because his parents, Emma and Joe, and siblings were visiting. We spent several hours there then said our goodbyes. We got out to the car and Patrick asked why I wanted to leave. I told him I thought he probably wanted to leave. It had been s long day and we had spent a lot of time driving around to different gatherings. He said that he was having a lot of fun so we walked back in and told them we decided to stay. Everyone had a good laugh and we enjoyed a few more hours with everyone. I think this was probably just a few months before my Uncle Joe passed away suddenly so I was always grateful for that time.
This year the Prandini gathering will have 3 fewer family members. Other family members will be feeling the loss of extended family members. I know it will be painful to go there without Patrick but it would be more painful to not see that big, wonderful family. We will be surrounded by love and warm memories.
The last few years we have had a few new traditions. My family has been spending Christmas Eve night at my sister Dawan’s house every other year. We all get matching or themed pajamas and it is a lot of fun. On alternate years Patrick, Sierra, Camille and I would open presents at home and then head out to the other get togethers. I am so thankful that last Christmas Eve we were home together and had our last Christmas morning together. And I’m also thankful that we will be at Dawan’s this year.
A few years ago Patrick was helping out at a Christmas tree lot so of course he became an expert on Christmas trees. I wish I could remember the exact explanation but basically he determined that the lot starts the month with ALL of their trees. They unfurl some of them and add more as people pick through them. The longer you wait, the more picked through they are. So he decided that he would have a better chance of getting a good tree if he just got one that was still wrapped up. For the last two years this is what we did and we ended up with beautiful trees. The girls and I will be continuing that tradition this year. We probably won’t make a video like last year but we will try to honor Patrick by acting goofy and making jokes when we do it.
We will survive the holidays and make new memories but I’m not gonna lie, it really, really sucks! It still doesn’t make sense that he is not here and I don’t think it ever will. However, I am not canceling Christmas. We are decorating and exchanging gifts. So don’t be afraid to say Merry Christmas!
Sierra did not get home until Christmas Eve last year. At the time I was sad but if she were home I would not have made this video. ❤️❤️❤️
Video posted on 12/11/16
Growth rings – 12/9/16
Originally posted on 12/9/16:
Yesterday I started working on my afghan for the first time since Patrick died. I am using an infinity loom and technically it is knitting, which I don’t know how to do without the loom. I bought the loom when I was recuperating from surgery in early 2015. It took me the rest of that year to finish. I decided midway through that it was for Cathy. She is always cold and the color I had chosen was one of her favorites. I finished her afghan on January 1st of this year according to the date stamp of the picture I took of it. I started my afghan right after that and so far I’ve done about 4 inches so I have a long way to go.
I chose really soft yarn that is multi-colored with deep pinks and purples. I like the loom because you don’t need to count each stitch. On Cathy’s afghan, I alternated stitches and did an entire row at a time. For mine, I chose a basket weave pattern and it’s kind of a pain! Four knit stitches and then 4 purl stitches repeated throughout the row. You do three more rows exactly like that and then you switch the order. You end up with little four by four squares of the alternating stitches and it is pretty but it takes focus and I haven’t had much of that.
Eight months later and I have no idea what row or stitch I was on. I remembered that I made notes so I was able to figure out which stitch sequence I was on but I had no idea which row and that’s a problem with this pattern. After agonizing over it I decided I was just going to pick where I thought I was and if it resulted in imperfection, so be it.
Maybe my afghan will be like the growth rings on a tree. Nice and orderly and then a shock to the system. For trees, this could be a fire or drought. For me, it is the upheaval of my life when Patrick died. I decided that even if it was imperfect I would eventually get back to a set pattern and the afghan would be a reminder that I kept moving forward despite the shock to my system.
Everyone always tells me how strong I am so I must be missing my calling. Clearly, I am a good actress! The girls both got back to their old routines relatively quickly and I am still not working. Younger people are pretty resilient but I am still proud of how well they have done! I try to be careful about what I post about them, especially in my blog, but I am going to make an exception and be a proud Mama for a bit!
Both of my girls received communication from teachers this week that spoke to their ability to weather this tragedy and not only function but excel in their schoolwork. Sierra’s occurred when she turned in a final assignment. Camille’s was via comments on letters of recommendation she received from several teachers. I also had a chance to read several essays Camille wrote for scholarship applications. Out of respect for their privacy, I will not post the specific essays/letters or comments but I am really proud of both of them!
Today I am 49 years and 8 days old. This is significant because Patrick was 49 years and 7 days old on the day he died. All of those years that I joked that he would always be older and now I have passed him up. It’s a strange feeling that I will continue aging and he won’t. I’ve said from the beginning that Patrick hated the thought of getting old. I imagine that he is laughing a little at the thought of me passing him up and if there’s any solace it’s the fact that he does not have to experience old age or any of the physical problems that come with it. I, on the other hand, will continue making growth rings. I hope that each year I cover up more of the scars from 2016. They’ll never be completely gone but time will lessen their impact.
As I got ready to put away my afghan for the night I remembered that I DID actually have a way to track the rows. I had been using a row counter and when I searched through my bag, there it was! I was working on row 32 prior to April 20th. This conflicted with what I had determined and I should have changed my pattern at the end of that row. Instead, I continued for two more rows so now I will have 4 by 6 boxes instead of 4 by 4. I’m sure I could pull out the two rows and fix them but I think I will leave it the way it is. The imperfection will serve as a reminder that this was a bad year but there will be other years.
I will grow stronger, never the same, but on the path to all of the blessings I know I will experience in future years. Just like a fire can devastate a forest, 2016 has devastated me. This devastation will always be a part of my history but I have the opportunity to make new, healthy, growth rings and that’s what I choose to do.
Update 8/16/20 – The funny thing about this post is I still haven’t finished the afghan! When I finally DO finish it there will be all kinds of growth rings!
Kind of lonely – 12/4/16
8/16/20 – I have never finished moving my Tumblr posts to this blog. Bear with me while I catch up!
One of the hardest things to deal with these days is loneliness. Not the “I’m alone and have no one to hang out with” kind. I miss having someone who loves me. Someone who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. I miss having someone who will hold me if I need to cry. I miss having a husband. I miss MY husband. Unfortunately, this is the kind of lonely that can’t be filled right now.
I am not interested in meeting someone new at this point so let’s not even start those discussions. I do have the capacity to love again but I think I would be very, very picky. I was always grateful that I didn’t have to experience much of the “dating” scene and I still don’t have any desire to do that. I’m thankful that I have connected with a lot of fellow widows. Some are friends who lost their husband before I did. Some are new friends and some of those I have never even met in person. They “get” it.
The nice thing about knowing so many is that they are all at different points. Some are even remarried. I feel hopeful when I see that they have moved forward and are able to function. That is comforting. Some days I wonder how I am even able to go on without him. Seeing others who are moving forward gives me hope.
Every day I am surprised that I still have such raw feelings. I can go for longer periods feeling relatively okay and there are a lot of times I even feel happy. Still, I am randomly assaulted with vivid memories. They don’t have to be anything major. Today Matt taught me how to massage some of the swelling out of Camille’s ankle. As I was doing it she casually mentioned times that Patrick had also done this. In a way it made me feel close to him but I was also incredibly sad that he was not here to do it.
My birthday ended up being mostly okay. I was really sad early in the day and I decided that I would give myself permission to mourn. Not that I haven’t been mourning but I try not to do too much at once. I allowed myself to cry a little and that was good since it tends to build up. Later in the day, I got flowers from Sierra! I had worried that at some point someone would send my flowers at a time when he might have. And I really didn’t like the idea of “sympathy” flowers. Getting them from Sierra was perfect and it was a nice surprise. I really do have awesome kids and I will always be grateful for that.
I had a nice dinner with my family. I thought Denise and I had an understanding about putting candles on the cake and singing. I failed to request that she not have the musical act and the ENTIRE restaurant sing to me. Lol. Someday revenge will be mine!
Today I saw an online ad for a new kind of wine stopper. I immediately thought of Patrick. I may just need to order some as surprise gifts for people. They would think of Patrick immediately. Did I mention that they were called the “Happy Man” wine stoppers? 😂😂😂 He definitely would have ordered them to go with the “special” lighters. As Patrick’s wife, I am responsible for keeping the memory of his crazy sense of humor alive. Consider yourself warned. 😜😜😜
Another difficult day – 12/01/16
Originally posted on 12/01/16.
Today was a really hard day for me. We had our second court appearance. I’m not supposed to go into a lot of detail about the case. Although I wonder how much of a difference it would make since the potential sentence is already so small. Let me just say that the whole legal system is complex and sluggish. Nothing happens quickly and there are always surprises. Each step of the way something new comes up that affects the way I feel and right now I don’t even know how to feel about the whole thing. Since it is a misdemeanor case it is done in a busy courtroom with a lot of other issues going on at the same time. They usually do ours first, probably since we have so many spectators. A lot of the people sitting around us are there for their own cases and I’m sure they want to clear us out of there to make room, which is fine. While we were waiting I glanced to my left and a young lady gave me a warm smile and a nod. I later found out that she was part of the defendant’s family, maybe his wife. I’m not sure if she knew who I was but I kind of think she did. I choose to interpret the look
The other hard part is that I’m not the only one hurting. I was trying to keep my tears inside but if I looked around I could see the pain in everyone else’s faces. I hurt for me. I hurt for Sierra and Camille. My heart breaks for Barbara, who is sitting next to me. And everyone else there. So much pain.
After the hearing the DA takes us into the cafeteria to answer questions and discuss the next hearing date. As different family members speak there are more tears. And suddenly I realize this is what has become of my marriage. For 24 years Patrick was the closest person to me. We shared everything that was happening in our lives. Decisions, plans, dreams… His life was mine. It’s really hard to put this into words but it suddenly felt like this tight little circle was broken. I don’t want this to sound like I don’t want others to care or that anyone is upsetting me but this whole situation kind of steals the intimacy of our relationship. I’m not even sure if that makes sense but it was just how I felt today. And I just didn’t want to be there anymore.
Later in the day I went to Camille’s first soccer game of the season. I’ve been anticipating this for months. Last season was really exciting and will always be a special memory for me. And the girls and their families have shown us so much love and support that I was really happy to be around them all again. But I also felt Patrick’s absence. I wanted to share the excitement with him and I kept imagining things he would say. And Camille is still having ankle issues. She was fine today but her ankle is constantly swollen. Zio Matt is now her physical therapist and he has been giving her instructions and even checked in with her last night. But when I saw how swollen it was I just really wanted her dad to be here and in charge of making it better. He took such good care of her and you just can’t duplicate that. She has coaches and trainers but it is just not right that her dad is not here. She was able to play the entire game and they won 4-0. Three goals were scored by two freshmen and one was an “own goal”, an error by the other team. So the outlook for the season is great!
I realize that it is now my birthday and you are probably feeling sorry for me that I am so sad on my birthday so let me tell you about my gift. I bought myself a 2016 Ford Edge!!! It is the nicest car I have ever owned and the first one I bought on my own! It is used which means I was able to get all the great features at a decent price! I bought it from my friend Craig Crews at Enterprise Car Sales and I highly recommend checking them out if you are looking for a car. I’m still learning how to use all the technology but after the cold at the soccer game, I really enjoyed the heated seats! This
I also got my Aetna-subsidized Apple Watch in the mail yesterday. I’m still learning how to use that as well. I figured out that you can actually answer the phone and talk to people with the watch! Patrick was fiercely anti-smartphone but he always said that he would get one when they made a watch phone. This wouldn’t completely qualify since you still need the phone with you but I think he would have been intrigued. And he would have mocked me endlessly! I’m going to sleep now and try to dream about all of the ridiculous things he would have said. I sure miss that crazy guy! 💗💔💗
New holiday memories – 11/30/16
Originally posted on 11/30/16
Today I have the post-vacation blues. I have been looking forward to our Thanksgiving trip for months and it was everything I hoped for. We all had a great time and really enjoyed being together but I knew it would never be long enough. Ending vacation is sort of a lesser type of mourning. You make big plans, anticipate all of the fun things you are going to do and wish it could last forever. When it’s over you mourn but thankfully only for a short time.
My life with Patrick was the best vacation ever. We made lots of plans and anticipated how much fun we would have. Most of our plans worked out but we didn’t quite get to do everything we wanted. Sadly we can’t make plans to “go again”. There are no do-overs when someone dies. This is where I pause briefly and remind everyone to embrace life and live it to the fullest. Do the things on your bucket list. Life is much shorter than you think!
Like my trip to Santa Cruz, this trip brought back a lot of memories. Now that I think of it, that may be why I chose to hang out at the Inn for the most part. There are a lot of places that might have been painful to see. When we were driving in I was trying to remember my last trip there. We passed the Kon Tiki Inn and I remembered that we stayed there for our 23rd anniversary. We had a great time in spite of the fact that I came down with a sinus infection. We had planned to go back and take the girls. I had forgotten that there was one more trip. We were in Cayucos for Mom and Pop’s 50th anniversary. We drove over to go to the Great American Melodrama in Oceana. We highly recommend it if you have never been. Joe took Patrick there on one of their birthday camping trips. Patrick loved it and thought it would be fun for the whole family. On our way we stopped in Shell Beach and met Dad and Kandra for dinner. So many great memories of that trip too! I just tried not to get stuck in memories as we passed all of these places.
We might not be able to do another trip exactly like this due to the cost but I plan to investigate and see if there are other places with similar capacity. The trip was fun for everyone and an outside observer probably would not have been able to determine where the Boyles family ended and the teNyenhuis family began.
Today we celebrate my mom’s 75th birthday and a few days later Camille’s first soccer game of the year. In between is another trip to the courthouse for a preliminary hearing. I would really like to avoid that but of course, I will be there.
I found out that I do have job protection and I have been approved for early retirement. This will be a great relief and I feel like once I am past that I can start making plans for the next few years. I probably won’t work while I am receiving severance but I’m thinking of doing some volunteering. I have always said I wanted to do volunteer work when I retired so I am going to sign up for a few things that will either bring me joy, be good experience for my career in counseling or both. I am also looking forward to being able to attend every single soccer game for Camille. They are returning as undefeated section champs and I can’t wait to see what they do! I will miss Patrick at the games (although maybe not his very loud criticisms of the refs). 😂 Last soccer season was a really exciting time and will always be a great memory for Camille, Sierra and I. This season will be bittersweet but I know Patrick will be there in spirit, I will think of him every time a parent gets a little too obnoxious and I will feel his pride each time Camille has a great play. I’m looking forward to some serious soccer fun! Go Timberwolves!
Thankful for my family
The last few days I’ve been watching everyone posting about everything they are thankful for. They are all very eloquent and some even mention an empty chair at the table. I wanted to write something cheery yesterday since I truly do have a lot to be thankful for. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to be thankful for anything. There is a hole in my heart that may get smaller someday but it seems to be permanent so it will always be there.
Recently I watched Cathy’s mom, Charlene, experience the same kind of nightmare that I went through. Everyone who stopped by wanted to help and most didn’t know what to say. The most common thing people say in this situation seems to be, “What can I get you? Is there anything you need?” Charlene answered truthfully, “Yes, I need my husband. Can you get him?” My heart broke each time I heard this because I remember having the same conversations. I may not have responded that way each time but it was definitely what I was thinking. Logically I knew this wasn’t possible but it was really the only thing I wanted.
I intentionally planned something completely different for Thanksgiving. 25-30 of us in one large, 10 bedroom Inn. I am surrounded by most of the people who are the most dear to me. I am truly grateful for that and any other option would be so much worse but I don’t think there was any way to make this holiday completely joyful since Patrick is missing. Yet I know he really isn’t missing. He is never far from our thoughts. He would have loved this trip but it would have never happened if he were here. There’s no way he would have agreed to the expense. Yesterday, we gathered in a circle to say grace. The family I was born into was intermingled with the family I married into. My Dad and Kandra, Denise, Dawan and Tom, Denny and his girls plus Nick. Mom and Pop teNyenhuis, Gabe, Dom and Caitlin, Matt, Tina and kids, Sierra, Camille and I. We asked Pop to say grace and when he finished, Mom thanked me for bringing us all together. She said, “We are more complete when we are together.” Then there were tears and lots of hugs. How lucky am I that my two families love each other so much? Later we were joined by Dustin and Jenna and Dina and Jeff. We’ve all been hanging out and enjoying each other’s company.
I chose the central coast because my family has spent many Thanksgivings at North Beach campground. Since there were so many of us we didn’t actually end up joining my extended family at the campground but today we had a surprise party to celebrate my Aunt Emma’s 80th birthday. They tricked her by telling her it was a surprise party for MY birthday so of course she ran out and bought me a card. 😊 After we ate, multiple family members got up to speak and pretty much all of them got choked up when they talked about Aunt Emma and the whole extended Boyles family. A few had married into the family and spoke of how much they appreciated getting to be a part of our family. A light hearted moment was when my Dad’s former aunt spoke of how she loved the family so much that she married into it twice! Her husband was my grandma’s brother and he unfortunately passed away when they were driving back to Oklahoma after attending my sister’s wedding. My uncle, her nephew by marriage, drove out to escort her back. They were actually fairly close in age and after several years of hanging around and helping her out he married her. We like to joke about how Uncle Ed married his Aunt Vanda but I assure you it was perfectly legal! We also remembered my Uncle Joe who passed away unexpectedly. Emma and Joe were married over 50 years. She is now married to a friend of many years, Rex, who lost his wife after Uncle Joe died.
So I sat there listening to all of the great memories and I was reminded that I am truly thankful for my family. They are the reason I continue to get out of bed each day and I am able to continue moving forward. I am frequently angry that I have to do it without Patrick but I know he would love how much we all cherish our time together. We make more of an effort to be together now and I get to have both of my families with me. I also look at Emma and Vanda and I know they deeply loved their first husbands. They also lost their husbands suddenly and they kept moving forward. I know i can do that too!