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Happy with brief sprinkles of grief

Most days I am generally happy. I am focused on school and usually have other things going on too. Grieving is kind of at a new stage. I don’t really cry but lately there have been surprisingly sharp bursts of grief.

A few days ago I pulled into my garage after working out and my eyes fixed on a few items hanging by the door. One of them is the red and white striped shirt he wore while doing yard work. There is also the goofy hat he liked to wear, his well-worn work boots, a rain suit for cycling and a number of other things. I just can’t bring myself to move them. So I sat in my car for a few minutes and it just sunk in a little bit more that he’s never coming home. I didn’t linger in the car for long but I wasn’t expecting the flood of emotions.

On Halloween I was baking Papa Murphys pizza. I had one stuffed crust and one thin crust. They bake at different temperatures for different lengths of time. Patrick had a formula worked out so that he cooked them together for part of the time. I felt that I really needed those instructions. I was sure he had texted them to me at some point so I decided to look through texts. Most of our text conversations were pretty mundane but there were lots of “I love you’s” interspersed with “get beer” or “get me a Diet Pepsi”.  Sometimes the mundane stuff is the most painful to remember. I made it through a few months worth of texts and just decided I would figure out the pizza on my own. I think it came out fine. I finally remembered just now that the instructions were in the notes on my phone. The “formula” was quite simple, bake both pizzas at 400 but start the stuffed crust 10 minutes prior to the regular crust. 

When I wrote the post about the jacuzzi I was looking for pictures of the original gazebo. I had the idea to look through sent mail and I found pictures that Patrick had sent to family when we first bought the house. I also found a treasure trove of other sent mail. Patrick and I shared an email address. He used it when he needed it but rarely checked it. Some of the emails are probably only funny if you know Patrick and the person he was emailing. Many of them, including the one below, are kind of offensive. I apologize if it offends anyone. I think his point was that it was a non-event. I find it hilarious that he actually sent an email about this!

I still have several years worth of sent emails to go through. I’m glad that there are still little surprises to find. Patrick’s humor continues to keep me smiling!

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I love my 80’s music!

I wrote the post about the happy Timehop memory and literally the next three days of Facebook memories were all about the arrest and arraignment. Maybe that memory was there to prepare me for the not so nice ones?

That’s what always happens. I’m going along thinking how good I’m doing and then all of the sudden I’m brought back to reality. Last night I went to a Halloween party with an 80’s cover band. This particular party has been thrown for years and I got the feeling that most of the crowd knew each other. The hostess is the lead singer in a band and I imagine the crowd was probably people who regularly went up her shows over the years. Being there reminded me of the days we used to go and listen to live bands. Particularly the Sleestacks, which was the band that included Patrick’s friend Joe Reinartz, his cousin Damian Prandini, and friends Mike Niehoff and Ron (Doc) Morse. I had a blast being a groupie and was sad when the group broke up!  Joe was in other bands over the years and they were all good but we had the most fun with the Sleestacks. 

So I was already feeling a bit melancholy and then “I’ll Melt With You” came on. This wasn’t a meaningful song for us but it just made me think of that time and miss Patrick a little more. When the lead singer announced that the next song was by The Cure I just knew what song it would be and sure enough, it was “Just Like Heaven”, OUR song. I cursed to myself and then looked up and there was Sierra, smiling and motioning for me to come dance. Of course, she knew.

The rest of the night I had a pretty good time and wasn’t sad. My friend Linda was also there and we enjoyed dancing to all the old 80’s songs! A year ago it would have been more sadness and less good time so there has definitely been progress. But I won’t pretend that I don’t still have moments when I get overwhelmed by memories. 

Having Sierra home is definitely helpful. Although we have discovered that we occasionally get annoyed with each other. The other day she was feeling sick and made a comment about how it was making her grumpy. I said something like, “Oh, that’s a temporary thing?” She immediately gave me a dirty look but then started laughing. It was exactly the kind of thing her Dad would have said so I reached up toward heaven for a high five. Sarcasm and laughter are important in this house and I’m determined to carry that forward!

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Timehop

Have you ever done the writing assignment where you take a random picture and write a story about it? This picture reminds me of that. To the casual observer it’s a pretty odd or random picture. I looked at it and thoughts just poured out of me.

I only recently downloaded the Timehop app. I regularly check Facebook’s “On This Day” feature to see what I posted. Timehop checks all of your social media and your camera roll. This was just a random picture and you might wonder why I even took it. 

Obviously the original focus was on the dog. My sister’s dog, Toby, has spent a lot of time here since she has had jobs that require her to travel. So I have a habit of sending her pictures when he’s being funny or cute. I saw the picture in my Timehop and started to scroll to the next picture before I noticed the rest of the picture.

I’m sitting on my bed with one leg stretched out. I clearly have some sort of issue with my foot. You might think it’s sweet or affectionate that Patrick is rubbing my foot. But, if you look at his hands you will see the hands of a Physical Therapist. He’s applying pressure and manipulating my foot. I don’t remember what was wrong, definitely something minor. He was probably just thrilled that he had to work on it, but he never said no. And, it wasn’t a tender foot rub I’m sure! Sometimes his therapy was painful, but he was very good and he always fixed whatever issue I had. 

Toby thought he would just make himself comfortable right in the middle of this! I’m sure I texted the picture to Denise to show her. And I usually don’t delete the Toby pictures so I managed to capture this random moment that has so much meaning to me!

This is what Love looks like! October 25, 2013 was a Friday. I’m sure Patrick had worked all week and was ready to relax. But he took a few minutes to take away my pain. He might have grumbled but he always took care of me. I know I drove him crazy at times but he was always right there. This captures so many moments of my marriage and I am so glad that crazy little dog made this possible!

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Intertwined

Eighteen months and 4 days later and I still have outstanding tasks on the death paperwork list. You never realize how intertwined your lives are. I receive electronic statements on every account that offers them so I really don’t see the constant reminders in the mail. Things like bank accounts needed to be changed because he had one in his name only. You change the things like auto insurance, AAA, and Costco because it saves money, at least in theory. A few things were only in my name because I handled all of the bills. However, we always seem to make the husband the primary account holder and when this is the case you sometimes have to close the account. 

Today I called PG&E and it took me two minutes to take his name off the account. Such a huge task that I waited so long to do. I usually prefer to make the calls when I’m alone. Not that I’m doing anything secret but it’s kind of a sad task and I just don’t want to subject anyone else to this. Sometimes that can’t be avoided, like the time we were checking out at PetSmart and they pulled up our Pet Perks account and verified that it was in Patrick’s name (so I had them change it right then).

I previously mentioned the fiasco with our Amazon Rewards credit card and the fiasco that happened when I closed that account. When I called to close it there was a $72 balance and I paid it over the phone. Somehow it ended up being a credit so they sent a check to “The Estate of Patrick teNyenhuis”. There is no estate because he had no will. So then you have to figure out what to do with the check. Luckily I asked my fellow widows and they said to just call and request a new check in my name. I finally did that today and it was as easy as they said. 

I’m sure Patrick would laugh that it is so much work to get his name off things. He would find something like that funny. He would make a comment about it being hard to get rid of him. He would probably want me to emulate him when I made the phone calls and harass the people for no particular reason but I can’t bring myself to do that. 

So now I’m down to only a handful of accounts. One is the home loan and they want copies of things, which is funny since the title is now in my name. One of my credit card companies once wanted paperwork to change my name. So, 24 years later, that credit card says Danell Boyles. Maybe I will get around to changing the home loan, or maybe not lol. Maybe I like having these outstanding items? I’m in no rush. No matter what, he will always be a part of me. 

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Beer and a soak

In the last 18 months there have been multiple times I have had people come by to get estimates or do various types of work in the house are yard. I always try to be careful and not announce that I am a widow. Most of the time it’s really difficult to avoid. They will start asking me questions about the type of motor or how old something is. I answer the questions that I can but there is always this awkwardness where I imagine them wondering why I know so little and inevitably I tell them. And I always feel on the verge of tears when I do. It’s just a combination of frustration that I don’t know what I’m doing and, of course, sadness because of the reason. 

Yesterday I called someone about having the jacuzzi removed. We probably haven’t used it in a year or more but I left it turned on, even though it was almost empty. I’m probably lucky it didn’t burn up or something. I knew I should deal with it but I just didn’t have the will to do it. I’m sure part of it was sentimental. 


When we moved in there was a gazebo in the corner of the yard. You can see it in the picture above. It was somewhat flimsy, I know there’s a name to describe the style but I never remember these things, Patrick would know… Anyway, our friend Dave Cruce was doing real estate and he had a seller who needed to get rid of a jacuzzi. We paid to have it craned in and it was ours. Dave’s fee was lifetime use of the jacuzzi, swimsuits optional. 🤣 Thank god Shelly keeps him in line and he never took advantage of that privilege! Patrick planned the ultimate jacuzzi hideaway and enlisted our brother-in-law, Jeff Young, to build a roof on top of the gazebo structure. This required four large logs as support. Multiple relatives were enlisted to lay concrete, get the electricity ready and build the roof. When it was done the term gazebo was no longer worthy. The new structure was a cross between the Parthenon and a gazebo so we called it a Parthebo! 

When it was finished it became one of Patrick’s favorite places to wind down. Joe Reinartz (his “only” friend), had an old TV that he put out there. It was never hooked up to the satellite but he would watch whatever he could find on network TV. The girls and I used it occasionally and it got a lot of use during parties, but he used it the most. I couldn’t find a picture with him using it so here’s one from a party. 


He liked to invite his brothers and mine, cousins, and friends over for “a soak”. He didn’t even mention the beer, that was a given. Eventually he decided to give them a standing invitation to come over on the first Friday of each month. He loved First Fridays. I’m sure there were many corny jokes told and memories shared. For the first year after he died we had First Friday get togethers for family and friends and we will probably have more so that we can continue his tradition. 

Patrick had been talking for some time about getting rid of the jacuzzi. He and Matt had decided they could cut it up with chainsaws and move it out in pieces. He always joked that he was going to turn the Parthebo into a small apartment and he would move there when “Danell gets sick of me”. As if that would have ever happened!

I debated keeping the jacuzzi but realistically I need less complicated things to take care of! So I called the guy and he looked at it and said he could have it out in about 30 minutes. Patrick would have been amazed that two guys took it out with no chainsaws and only one furniture dolly! So, another chapter closes and I have one less thing to worry about but a lot of great memories! 

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One half of a whole

As I walked my dog a few days ago, I found myself checking my left hand for my ring. I’m sure many of you do the same thing. I wore that ring for 26 years or so and I’m not sure how long it will take to get used to not wearing it. My first thought was maybe I should just put it back on? And I imagined how comfortable and reassuring it would feel. But I realize that it is not the ring I am missing. I miss being one half of a whole. I miss my other half and I miss everything that he meant.

I try not to be a helpless female. I want to be independent and handle things myself. But there are just so many decisions to make and things to do. Perhaps if I had been single all this time I would be more accustomed to finding someone to fix the fence or clean the solar panels. The funny thing is, I know that all I need to do is pick up the phone and make a few calls. Really it’s more of just a mental block, that and just the fact that I know I would not have to worry about it if Patrick were around. And it’s another thing I was blissfully unaware of when he was.

I’ve kind of been in a funk. And yeah, it may have something to do with the whole dating thing! LOL I really do not like doing this. And I don’t really want to write about it but it IS a big part of my story. So I’ll give you the watered down version. I don’t want to be like Taylor Swift and write about every ex…WAIT! Maybe I do! Just kidding! There may be guys out there who, like me, are single despite being capable of being in a relationship. Maybe they are also widowed, or truly never met the right person. But I suspect a lot of them have issues that make relationships difficult. I kind of dated a guy for a few weeks. I say “kind of” because I only really saw him twice. I’m truly not sure of what the issue was but he just could not seem to find room in his life to date. I think he wanted to and he seemed to be interested but he was so used to being alone that he just couldn’t figure out how to share his time. I was convinced that I was going to use my years of experience and teach him how to make it work. And I actually experienced quite a bit of frustration when plans were canceled or never made. We agreed mutually that it wasn’t going to work out.

I’ve talked to a few other guys casually and a few nights ago I realized that I was already thinking of how I was going to “fix” a guy to get used to finding time to date someone. I’m sure this has a lot to do with my counseling courses but either way I need to stop it now. At this age I’m not going to change someone so I just need to be patient and find someone who doesn’t need to be changed. 

And now I’m sick with my usual sinus thing that will probably turn into bronchitis. And I hate being sick because it interferes with working out. But it has made me realize that there is no reason to rush this dating thing. If the right person is out there, it will happen. So I’m taking some NyQuil and trying to get some rest!

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The things I can’t say

Writing has been the best therapy I could ever ask for. So many nights I have written all of the pain away and even written into happiness. I will continue to do that as much as possible. However, there are some things that I just can’t write about and it’s really frustrating.

One of my biggest social media pet peeves is the “Cryptic Post”. As a Christian, if someone asks for prayers for something private that they are going through, I have to respect that. And I guess it’s okay but still a little cryptic. The ones that drive me crazy are the ones that say things like “be careful who you trust because I just got burned” or “someone I love is hurting and I wish I could help”. Honestly, I can’t even think of the ones that really drive me crazy. If you ever see one on my page, be forewarned, I’m probably messing with you! I’ve thought of elaborate cryptic posts I could make that turn out to be something mundane. I’ve also planned elaborate fights with a friend or relative that could play out for the audience on Facebook and then be revealed as a hoax. I know, I have a secret evil side! I will be fair and say that maybe not everyone is intending to be cryptic, but, if I am really your friend why would you put me through worrying about if you are okay or not?

My point is that I don’t like to make cryptic posts so if I can’t write about something, I don’t try to write about it without really saying anything. So, I haven’t been able to write about some of the things that my kids have said, or have written, or have gone through. Sometimes it is okay to share their stories and sometimes they are just too personal. But this is their life too and it is not my right to blast everything onto the internet. I probably share too much as it is but if I’m worried that they will be uncomfortable, I ask first and sometimes they do say no.

I also choose not to write about the really intimate details of my life with Patrick. I’ve thought about it but some things deserve to be private. Plus, my kids do read this and they REALLY don’t want to read about that. Suffice it to say that I could probably write a really great story and I have a lot of wonderful memories that are now mine alone.

And now I am venturing into the dating world and that brings a whole new set of complications. I think it would be really creepy if I wrote about someone without their knowledge and then they read it later. I also would not like writing about someone and then end up not dating them for long. So, I may eventually write something, but for now, if I am quiet and don’t post much, that may be why.

What I can say is that opening myself up to talking to men and dating has been very interesting. My first few heart to heart conversations ended up having surprising emotional effects for me. And, I am very out of practice so sometimes it is downright frustrating. When I get frustrated, I get sad. When I get sad, I think about Patrick. So then I go visit him and tell him it’s all his fault that I’m dating and I wouldn’t have to do it if he were still here! Then I cry a little bit. And I always feel his love while I am there and leave feeling better.

Inevitably when men find out I am widowed, I get THE question. Are you sure you are ready for this? And my answer is always yes. Sure, it’s hard at times, but I am 100% confident that Patrick would be okay with this. I imagine him as my partner in this dating experience, trying to guide me in the right direction and always cheering me on. Don’t get me wrong, there hasn’t been a lot of men and only two actual face to face meetings. So, I am in the early stages here. But I’m sure it’s going to be an interesting time for me. Ready or not, I will experience emotions and I may not always expect them. And in some ways I may take a step backward in my grief process because being around someone new will remind me that Patrick is missing. Hopefully, I will find someone that will understand and be comfortable with that. But I probably won’t be able to tell you about that. At least not at first.

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Love them!

When I started working at Aetna 23 years ago I noticed something odd. A lot of the women I worked with complained frequently about their husbands and many also complained about their in-laws. I never understood this. I’m not saying my husband was perfect but I certainly wasn’t going to complain about him at work. And let’s face it, I really didn’t have much to complain about.

A lot of credit for the man he turned out to be, goes to his parents, Andre and Barbara Ann (Prandini) teNyenhuis. They raised five children. The fact that they survived the first three is kind of a miracle! Patrick turned 1 just two short weeks after Gabriel was born. Daniel turned 2 the following month. So they had three in diapers at the same time! And then Dina was born a few years later but they weren’t done yet, Matthew arrived a few years later.

I met Patrick after they moved out of their Ashcroft house but my understanding is that they added on to their master bedroom to create a dorm style room for the boys. I’m not sure that I would have been happy about giving up my master bedroom but Mom and Pop made it work. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must have been to have so many small children at once (and I thought two was a lot of work)!

Mom and Pop not only raised those five children, they got them all through college and they all became successful, independent and happily married. They are all really great people to be around and I’m happy to call them my family.

I have awesome parents of my own so I wasn’t necessarily looking for another set (lol) but it became clear early on that my in-laws were very special. I remember Mom laughing with me about crazy things Patrick did and I always reminded him that she said if we ever split up they were keeping me. I may have imagined this but I’m sticking to my story.

Many people also complain about the fact that they “have to” split up holiday events between families. I was fortunate because it was important to both of us to be with both families and we did our best to make that happen whenever possible. My favorite holidays have been the ones where we had some combination of our families together.

I have contact with a lot of widows both in person and online. I regularly hear horror stories about interactions following the death of their husband or just the fact that the relationship ended with the death. I am so happy that I only have good stories to share. They have always loved me but I have felt it even more as they supported me through the death of their son. They remind me regularly that even though we may not talk every day, they are always thinking of the girls and I and they always love us.

Yesterday I got to spend the day on Shaver lake celebrating Mom’s birthday. I won’t tell you which one. We got to celebrate Zia Becky’s birthday too. I am so grateful to be part of this family! Happy Birthday Mom!

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And she’s off on a new adventure!

In a few days I will be dropping Camille off at UC Davis. I knew the summer would fly by and it has. I’m kind of avoiding all of the feelings I have about this. I know we will all be okay and she’s going to have a great time but it’s hard letting go of my youngest!

I love both of my girls equally. They are alike in many ways but also different. Sierra was fiercely independent. I know she missed us and we missed her but she was excited to experience college. When we dropped her off I was honestly just really excited for her.

With Camille it’s a little different and a lot of it has to do with the change in circumstances. Camille and I have been together since Patrick died. Initially it was just us that day. And when Sierra left for school last year it was just Camille and I for the entire school year. So, I think that makes it harder to let her go. Make no mistake though, she will thrive in college and I know she will make me extremely proud!

I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am that Sierra will be home with me for another year. We will get to have that time together just like Camille and I did. Eventually they will both be gone but having this extra year is going to make it easier for me.

I just realized that today is the 22nd. I completely missed the 20th. Every month I have thought about how many months it has been. But I didn’t think about 17 months. I think that is a good sign! And I think Patrick would agree.

I’m adding pictures that Cathy arranged for the girls to take as a surprise for me. They make me so proud!

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Personal Triumph

I’m on Day 4 of a weight loss challenge at the gym. I’m doing it right this time and following the meal plan in addition to working out so I’m counting on big results!

I stayed up too late last night for various reasons but I went to the gym this morning for kick boxing. Normally I stay for a core session but I was tired and the fans in the gym were not working so I just did one class.

I felt a little guilty when I got home so I took the dog for a walk. She is small so we just went a mile at a slow pace. I was listening to music and my “grief anthem” came on, “Ordinary World” by Duran Duran. Part of the lyrics are, “I won’t cry for yesterday, there’s an ordinary world, somehow I have to find. And as I try to find my way, to this ordinary world, I will learn to survive”. The first time I really listened to these words, a few days after Patrick died, I desperately wanted ordinary. At the time it seemed like nothing would ever be ordinary again but those words gave me hope.

Listening to the song this morning I realized that what I really wanted to do was ride my bike. But I hadn’t done that in over a year…

Patrick and the girls got me a mountain bike for Mother’s Day, 2008. I thought I would ride bikes with them but I ended up going for solo rides after work and working up to 17 miles at a time. I loved it so much that I decided to join Team in Training and train for a Century bike ride. I started with a loaner bike but purchased my own road bike before the actual event. Patrick was skeptical I’m sure but he supported me, coming out to repair flats and provide first aid supplies when I fell while learning how to clip out. I finished my first century in Solvang that year and went on to do 3 or 4 more plus various other rides that were shorter. Cycling is a great workout but when you are mainly doing endurance rides, and you’re me, you think that after a 60 mile training ride you can eat whatever you want. So I was never really able to lose weight and keep it off. I switched to walking and it helped me take off a lot but I was gaining it back. And then April 20th happened.

Patrick rode his bike out Shaw Avenue and did a few laps around Quail Lakes at least a few days each week. If I rode from home I always went down Shaw too, it was my favorite route. He was riding it that morning when he was hit and killed.

That day I wanted to throw my bike in the street. I got over that but then I avoided cycling to protect the girls. I rode in the Ride of Silence a month after he died but honestly I was still in shock then. I just wasn’t sure I could ever really do it again. And if I did, where would I ride? Shaw Avenue was ruined for me.

Today I decided to take my favorite route back. Cycling did not kill Patrick. A lack of sleep caused by a meth binge did. I could give up cycling to keep myself safe but if we gave up everything that could possibly kill us, how would we ever live? I put all my cycling gear on and inflated my tires We do love our gear! Then I realized I didn’t have my Road ID on. I almost went without it but I remembered how mad I was that he did not wear his as it caused an hours long delay in receiving official notification. I went and got it and realized that my first contact was still my husband. There are always reminders.

As I waited at the traffic light I remembered how frequently Patrick disregarded cycling rules and etiquette. That morning I was also a little angry because I was convinced he did something stupid. Later I was extremely grateful when the detective told me that Patrick did nothing wrong.

I wasn’t sure how I would react as I drove past the site. I have driven past a handful of times when I really needed an outlet for my grief. And I would scream and cry as I did that. Cycling is different though. Having the wind in my face was peaceful and I imagined him on his final ride. I’m sure he was thinking about mundane things or planning his day at work. I believe that he never knew what happened and it was quick and painless. I said a prayer and told him I loved him as I rode by. I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream. And then I turned at the next street and rode home. Mission accomplished.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I know that he would not have wanted me to give up cycling or avoid that stretch of the road. He would have thought it was silly. I’m not sure how much I will ride now. I love my gym workouts and I love the strength they have given me. But I needed the ability to cycle and I needed my favorite route back. Now, the sky’s the limit!