Posted on

A Bit More Closure

Today was the final court appearance regarding the collision that caused Patrick’s death. The defendant completed the diversion program with negative drug tests. He did everything that was required, so he was released. We don’t have to like it. We don’t have to agree that it was adequate. I am relieved that it is over. I chose not to attend. I am grateful that my brother Denny and sister Dawan agreed to be there to represent Patrick. I know it was hard for them. I am also grateful that Denny wrote an eloquent letter for the judge. We know it didn’t make a difference but we just wanted it on the record.

I will move forward knowing that I will not be getting any more calls updating me on the case. No matter how much progress I make, those always had a way of pulling me back so it does bring me a measure of peace to put this behind us.

Here is a link to the post about the sentencing hearing that occurred in February.

https://www.danellt9.com/2017/02/16/a-bit-of-closure-2-16-17/

Denny’s Letter

The Honorable Ralph Nunez

Fresno County Superior Court

Judge Nunez,

We understand that today you will decide whether the defendant has successfully completed his sentence of a court-ordered drug diversion program in the case that stemmed from the death of Patrick John teNyenhuis.

As a family, we have mixed feelings of the news that the defendant may be released.

Justice for Patrick has been hard to find in this case, not through any errors of the court, but for the simple and terrible truth that as a society we don’t have an adequate punishment when the selfish act of one person costs another his life.

This was not an accidental death. The defendant made a series of choices and committed a series of deliberate acts that ended Patrick’s life. No punishment for the defendant can change what he has done, or give us back what he took from us.

Our best hope is that if the defendant is released from his treatment today, he never harms another family as he harmed ours.

With that hope in mind, we ask that you read him this letter, and this plea from us.

“You have been given something that you took from Patrick, from his wife, from his children and from his family. You have been given a chance for a better future. A better future for you, a better future for your children, and a better future for anyone else you would harm if you don’t change your life. We ask that you take the lessons you have learned and remake yourself. You owe that to us. You owe that to Patrick. You owe that to your children. Don’t waste this chance.”

Our combined families wish to thank the Fresno County District Attorney, as well as you and the rest of the staff at the Fresno County Superior Court for your assistance and compassion during this sad time for our families.

Thank you,

The teNyenhuis, Prandini and Boyles families.

Posted on

Aftershock

Last night I was working on adding old blog entries and for some reason I didn’t finish the one I was working on, “Facade”, so I added it tonight. The next one is the post about the arrest and I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to move that one over. That part has been buried in my memory and I didn’t see any need to dredge it up. Camille got home last night and I was happy to have both my girls home.

Today we went to see the new Star Wars movie. On the way there I got a phone call from a number that I didn’t recognize but looked familiar. I answered and it was the Assistant DA who handled the case. He wanted to update me. Mr. Stubbs, the man who hit and killed Patrick, has been in a residential program. He has a hearing coming up. He has fully complied with the program and his drug tests have all been negative. More than likely he will be released next week and will be home to spend Christmas with his family.

As a future Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor I am hopeful that treatment works. As a human being I am happy that his children might see their father for Christmas. As a Mom…and a widow…. my heart breaks.

Here’s the thing, nothing is going to bring Patrick back. And I have said all along that the only amends Mr. Stubbs could make would be to be a better person. Locking him up would not have changed anything.

As my whole world has changed, and I have been continuing my education, I’m a different person. I believe there needs to be law and order in society. I believe that Mr. Stubbs made poor choices in his life that led to my husband’s death. But I don’t believe he is a murderer. And I do believe that our society has a serious problem with drug and alcohol addiction. And punishment does not cure addiction.

I have so many conflicting emotions right now. I would love more than anything to just wipe this whole part from my memory. My brother told me today that I was stronger than him and I’m not sure that is true. I just file away all those feelings that I don’t want to deal with. I function pretty well. And I am truly happy most of the time. But you can’t avoid the aftershocks.

I’m allowing myself a few tears tonight. I don’t think I will go to the hearing. My presence will not change anything. I’ve already said what I needed to say. I’m going to focus on my girls, Christmas, and moving forward with my life. I truly hope he has learned something from this and will dedicate his life to doing something positive. But I’m going to follow the advice my brother gave me today, “I wouldn’t give him any more free rent in your head. He’s either going to change or go to jail, we can’t choose.”

Posted on

Let There Be Joy

And the birthday celebration continues! I just got back from an awesome trip to Disneyland with my best friend Shelly, her daughter Abby, and Sierra. I know, Cathy is my best friend. Fortunately I have enough love for two best friends!

I don’t see Shelly as often now but we worked together at Aetna for 24 years. I was sitting next to Dave when he proposed to Shelly. I rode the party bus to Vegas for their wedding, we both had daughters in 1999 and she suggested the name Camille for my daughter. We’ve had a lot of fun together over the years!

She was also here to support me the day Patrick died. In fact, when she arrived it lightened the mood when I introduced her to someone as my best friend and then looked up to see Cathy looking right at me. It’s been an ongoing joke since then. For the record, Shelly has several other best friends too!

Shelly’s birthday is one week after mine so my original plan was to celebrate my birthday at Disneyland with her. Then I planned my party and I just decided I could have more than one celebration. I usually don’t make a big deal out of it but I have to admit it’s been fun!

When I broke my ankle it almost derailed the trip but I ended up renting a scooter and we went anyway. Shelly brought decorations for my scooter and Abby made sure we both had Happy Birthday buttons. So we spent several days being greeted with “Happy Birthday!!” We also got two special desserts! Zoom in to see the Christmas lights and sign on my scooter!

Shelly and Abby are what I would call Disney Superfans! They knew the best way to go through each park and were a lot of fun! The scooter was a bit of a hassle but I would have been miserable any other way.

I can’t get over the contrast between holidays last year and this year. I know that grief is different for everyone, but for me, time has helped. I still miss Patrick and think of him every day but I also give myself permission to feel joy. And, aside from the pain of a broken ankle, this has been a pretty joyous few weeks for me. Last year I felt like I was constantly holding in the tears and I don’t feel that way anymore.

Sometimes I will suddenly remember something and it will be a little jolt. I’ll be honest, when that happens it would be really easy to just curl up in a ball and cry. I know that no one would fault me. I didn’t choose for this to happen but I can choose how I go forward and I choose as much love, laughter, and joy as I can find. I will still allow myself occasional tears or pity parties but I don’t want to live like that all of the time.

The holidays are a great time of year so let there be joy! I think we could all use some!

Posted on

Impatience

Dating sucks! It sucks because I can’t write about it! It sucks because I feel like I don’t know how to do it! But mainly it sucks because I shouldn’t have any reason to be dating! I did the dating thing. I chose well. I shouldn’t be alone.

I guess I’m having a pity party. And honestly I don’t really even have a reason to. I didn’t really have a bad experience or anything. I just feel like a teenager and it seems like this should be easier at age 50. I hate it so much that maybe I should just be single.

My word of 2017 is patience and I’m beginning to think I’m going to have to carry it in to 2018. Is that allowed? I wanted to find Mr. Right without having to play the ridiculous dating games. I don’t want to kiss a lot of frogs! I’m impatient!

At work we had to create a development plan every year. I never liked spending a lot of time on it because after a while my true goal was to have a dream job fall into my lap or to become independently wealthy and never have to work again. Who cares about developing at a job that you don’t want to be at anymore? So a lot of times I would carry goals forward. I always put time management on there because no matter who you are, there are always better ways to manage your time. So maybe I will have to carry patience into 2018 because I definitely haven’t learned it.

People who are dating at my age have more than likely spent some time being single. They may not want to be alone but a lot of them seem pretty set in their routine. And more than once i have wondered why some of them are even dating when they have difficulty finding time to actually spend with you. Maybe they are out dating other people?

When Patrick and I were dating we were always trying to find ways to spend time together. Most of the time we were in different cities. There were no cell phones, no email. It was snail mail or long distance phone calls. We did both. Maybe it is actually SO easy to stay in touch now that we take it for granted. And not just in dating. I know there are people I should reach out to more often. But reaching out takes no effort at all and I always plan to “do it tomorrow”. And then tomorrow I plan to do it the next day… Sometimes I send a text when I know a call would mean more. My point is that it is so easy to just assume someone will be there whenever you decide to contact them.

I don’t plan to be single forever. And I hate writing that because I truly am not advertising for a date! But I have to let some of my frustration out and this is how I do it. I guess I just thought the whole process would be easier.

I think I am just going stir crazy since I have somewhat limited mobility and I can’t drive. The good news is that I am getting out of the house for a few days and going to the happiest place on earth, where I will ride an electric scooter around, enjoy time with my daughter and friends and forget about the dating games! I will try to learn some patience but I hear the scooter will let me cut to the front of at least some of the rides, so yeah, instant gratification.

Ok, this pity party is over. Disneyland, here we come!

Posted on

Getting through the holidays

Although I am kind of sidelined right now, I am more excited for Christmas than I was last year. Last year I didn’t always want to celebrate in ways that I would have with Patrick. I kind of made some BIG plans and they really helped me get through. But I know the things I did may not be feasible for everyone so I’m going to share what I did with some alternatives thrown in.

CHANGE IT UP

I started my escape from holidays on Father’s Day 2016. Mother’s Day came 18 days after Patrick died and it was really hard for me. So on Father’s Day I ran away. Really I took the girls and went to Universal Studios and Hollywood. I splurged a little on VIP passes but if you took a day trip it could be doable. If you can’t face the usual holiday activities, change it up a bit. Go somewhere you normally wouldn’t go. The novelty is distracting.

TAKE THE FAMILY SOMEWHERE NEW

On Thanksgiving I rented a place big enough for 30 people, filled it with his family and mine and we had a really good time. Going away together for a holiday was great. We all still missed him but we enjoyed being together and away from it all. We could have rented smaller houses or even hotel rooms. The point is, we were at a place where we would not be haunted by memories and we were together.

DON’T GIVE UP ON ALL OF YOUR TRADITIONS

Christmas was hard. We didn’t want to deviate too much from the norm. So, we did some of our usual activities. And they were made easier because the loss was acknowledged. The year before, Patrick had started a new tradition of buying a Christmas tree that was still tied up and “unfurling” it at home. We were happy to continue this tradition. And since he created it for us, it kind of felt like he was there! Luckily our first Christmas without Patrick happened to be the year that my family spends Christmas Eve at my sister’s house for one big sleepover. I was comforted by the familiar and didn’t wake up to a too empty house on Christmas morning. Christmas Day we also stuck with the Prandini tradition of gathering at a hall and enjoying raviolis together. I’ll admit, this one was hard. But I knew that everyone there was grieving, and not just for Patrick since we had also lost Barbara and Zio Angelo. Cathy ended up joining me there and that also helped.

IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY

I don’t remember exactly what I did on New Year’s Eve but I think I stayed home and I really wanted to be alone. I wasn’t ready to see other people get kisses at midnight. I wasn’t moping and crying, I just didn’t subject myself to that.

DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU

My final advice is to just do what is best for you and your family. If you’re not the only one hurting you may occasionally have to make hard choices to accommodate everyone, but outside of that circle, don’t worry what others think. Everyone handles grief differently and there’s no right or wrong way.

Posted on

Cheers to 50 years!

I almost made it to age 50 without ever breaking a bone. When I think about it, that’s actually kind of a miracle because I’m really a klutz! At least I made it through my party before it happened!

I’m turning 50 on December 1st. I guess I like birthdays alright but I never really felt like I “had” to have a party. This is a milestone though and I wanted to think of a way to commemorate it. So I decided I wanted to spend it at Disneyland. I love Disneyland and Patrick really didn’t like it as much as I did. So I planned for Sierra and I to go with my friend Shelly and her daughter Abby. I made reservations and we were all set!

Then Sierra reminded me that she is taking the LSAT on December 2nd! So, going to Disneyland right before that? Probably not a good idea. So we had to move it back a week.

In the meantime we went to a Halloween party thrown by Pamela Henri. I get massages at her house and she has this awesome barn with a stage and all. An 80’s cover band played at the party and as I danced I decided that this was how I wanted to spend my birthday. I knew it was a little extravagant but I also knew it would be a blast. So I planned a 50th Birthday Bash!

Everyone felt bad that I was planning my own party but I enjoyed doing it. And honestly, everyone else did most of the work on the day of the party. We had Luna’s Italian food, an awesome dessert bar and plenty of beer and wine. I got semi dressed up and felt stylish in my high heels, which I don’t wear very often!

I danced the night away! And although I danced a little enthusiastically and might have taken my daughters down in a collision with the stage (and Pamela, who was singing), no one was injured! At the end of the night I was driven home and walked upstairs to take off my heels and put my not-so-stylish Croc slippers on. On the way back down my foot slipped and pain shot through my ankle. I was fairly drunk at the time so the fact that I felt any pain made me realize it was not good.

I put ice on it and wrapped it but didn’t get much sleep. I went to urgent care today and an X-ray confirmed that I had a fracture.

And of course I miss my physical therapist! Cathy took me to urgent care and picked up crutches for me afterward. She helped me get settled at home and Sierra will help me too. But it’s not the same. There’s no one else that I would ask to pull me up off the toilet or really any of the undignified things about being injured. I know he would have made jokes about it all but that’s part of the reason this makes me miss him! We got through many situations with humor!

I’m told that a break is an easier recuperation than a bad sprain so hopefully it won’t be too bad. And it’s not like there is any shortage of PTs among family and good friends, but I miss MY PT.

I am glad that it happened after the party. I had so much fun celebrating with family and friends! It made me so happy to be around so many people I love for a happy occasion! I have a lot to be thankful for! I’ll try to focus on that instead of my foot! Lol

PS. Here are a few toasts from the party!

Sierra’s Toast

Dawan, Denise, & Dad

Cathy’s Toast

Mom teNyenhuis

Posted on

God knew we needed to be friends

Some friends are just meant to be in your life. Cathy (Stebles) Lamb has been my friend since 5th grade. We have had some really good times together. And in the last 19 months we have had some really bad times.

We met at Dry Creek Elementary in 1977. She had been there since kindergarten and I ended up there in fifth grade after a large boundary transfer. We met doing track and cross country there but really didn’t become good friends until Junior High. At Clark Intermediate, we met up with Latrese Johnson and Teresa Guajardo and we were close through high school. They were all better runners than me but I guess I kept up enough to get to know them all well as we logged hundreds of miles over the years.

Below – We met in 1977 and here we are in our track picture, side by side!

And here we are in 7th grade, 1979.

Below – Cathy leading the pack at Clovis High while I brought up the rear!

At Clovis High School our arrival began 4 years of Valley Championships. Cathy was one of the better runners on the team and I was usually there as the 6th or 7th runner, ready to step up if someone else had a bad day. Being on the team allowed us to spend a lot of time together and we had fun traveling to different meets. During high school Cathy and I dated two separate pairs of best friends, neither of which turned out to be our future husbands, lol.

Below- Various team pictures, always next to each other!

In college we lost touch somewhat initially but ended up living together for two years. She was by far the easiest roommate I had, which was a relief since I didn’t want rooming together to mess with our friendship. After that I moved out of town for three years while I started my short-lived teaching career. When I came back we stayed in touch fairly well until we both became moms within a few months of each other. She had Michael the month before Sierra was born. Matthew was born in between Sierra and Camille.

With Michael and Sierra

With Michael and Sierra

Above – Latrese, Cathy, and I, singing karaoke at our 15 year reunion.

As the kids grew up we both got busy with their activities. Since she had boys and I had girls our lives kind of went separate directions but we still kept in touch over the years. Four or five years ago, Mike told Cathy that we should really reconnect. He knew we were good friends and I think he must also have really good intuition, we needed to rekindle our close friendship.

Over the years Cathy had remained active and stayed in great shape. I had not. I wanted to lose weight and she committed to helping me. We began walking just about every night. Friends or not, that is a lot of time to give up! And, a lot of times she was running in the morning and walking with me in the evening!Over the next year or so I walked off 45 pounds and Cathy and I became really close again. The long walks gave us time to talk and we usually vented about our days or helped each other work through problems. I finally got to know her boys a little better and my girls started fighting over who loved Cathy more!

Below – A trip to the coast and a walk on the beach in May 2014.

Below – In 2015 at my nephew Dominic’s graduation.

On April 19, 2016 Cathy and I met at Mickey’s yogurt to enjoy some oatmeal cookie gelato (our favorite). We had no idea that our lives were about to change forever.

The next day, Cathy was one of the first people I texted. When my text appeared incoherent she called me and then left work and came straight to my house. For the first few weeks she was either asleep or at my house. She was mourning too but she was my constant companion, helping me in any way that she could. I honestly struggle to put into words exactly how good of a friend she is, but especially during my darkest days. She was my rock.

In the fall, she was with me and the rest of the family as we began going to court and sitting through that whole experience. On November 18th I had a clumsy fall and she went with me to urgent care the next day to make sure nothing was broken. Early that evening she called and said, “Denise just called and said I need to go to my parents house”. Initially I was confused because we both have sisters named Denise and my Denise regularly calls Cathy. I finally understood that the Highway Patrol had contacted her brother-in-law, a CHP officer, and told them that they needed to go to her parents house. She said she would call once she got there. I waited about 5 minutes and then decided I better head there too. She called when I was half way there, her voice broke as she said, “It’s not ok”. I told her I was almost there and she warned me that I would need to get past police cars. I had no idea what was going on. My heart was racing as I explained that I needed to be with my friend. Luckily they didn’t try to stop me. I saw her Mom through the window when I walked up to the door so I knew she was ok and it was clear that something had happened to her Dad, Ron. He was simply getting the mail and was hit by a speeding car while walking back across the street. Like Patrick, he died instantly.

The last 19 months have been rough. It was a cruel twist of fate that we both had to experience such sudden, tragic losses. But I think it was divine intervention that brought us together forty years ago. God knew we would need each other, and especially in 2016. I’m hoping there are no additional cruel surprises for us and I am forever thankful for my best friend. ❤️❤️❤️

Below – At the Cher concert in February 2017.

Above – At Camille’s graduation, May 2017.

Posted on

Floorball

Yesterday I was on Facebook and noticed the Fresno Floorball Club’s post about their league championship game last night. I saw that Hand of Doom was in the championship and I was pretty sure my nephew, Connor, played on that team. I texted him to confirm and while I was waiting I looked through photos.

Patrick started playing floorball many years ago, probably 10 or more. He usually played every Tuesday. He would come home sore and tired and tell me how awful he was. He did seem to enjoy it. I went and watched him a handful of times and then I just didn’t. It’s one of those things I wish I had done more.

After Patrick died I found a post on the floorball page talking about losing him and it was very touching. I also heard from multiple sources that he was a great teammate and they loved playing with him. In typical Patrick style, he had downplayed his value to the team.

As I was looking through the photos I came across the group shot from his Team championship. I noticed that it was posted on April 15th and I realized that it could very well be that last photo that was ever taken while he was alive. (I suspect there might be other last photos and hopefully I will never have to see them). I walked in to show Sierra and her eyes teared up. I had thought all along that the concert photos were the last pictures.

As I thought about it more I remembered that his birthday was on a Wednesday, which meant that the 15th would have fallen on a Friday. Floorball games were on Tuesdays. I searched more and finally determined that the picture was taken on the 12th and was not the last picture. Then I felt bad for making Sierra cry. I realized that it might have been more upsetting because I thought the last picture was of him and the girls. I mentioned this to her and she said, “No mom, the last picture is him standing there copying the Paul McCartney poster.” I remembered the photo and I’ve posted it on here before. Here it is again. I think if he had to choose a last photo, this might have been the one. 😂😂

I did end up going to the championship game. Patrick’s Team, Physiomotion, was playing for 3rd place when I arrived. I watched the end of their game and then said hello to a few of the guys. I didn’t know them that well but I was happy to meet them. Unfortunately Hand of Doom lost the championship but I was still glad I went. It’s always good to visit places where he spent time.

Posted on

A visit with Camille

This week I got to visit Camille for the first time since dropping her off. I took my mom to Elk Grove for minor surgery (it went well) and we got to take Camille to dinner and visit her dorm. I was so excited to see her and I could tell she was happy that we were there. As we sat next to each other at dinner she snuggled up against me. Still the strong, independent, college student but forever my baby girl.

I’m not sure if we ever went six weeks without seeing Sierra because she always had a car at school and came home frequently. We were excited to see her every single time. Patrick, Camille, and I would anxiously wait for her and check the door every time we thought it might be her. Our house would seem whole once she arrived.  One of the hardest parts of the day Patrick died, was being away from Sierra. When she finally arrived, hours later, the three of us hugged each other and sobbed. We really haven’t liked being apart since then.

Yesterday, Camille took the train home for her first visit, almost seven weeks after we dropped her off. She texted us multiple times during the trip and Sierra was also very excited. When we got to the train station I kept refreshing Find My Friends so that I could see her getting closer and closer. When the train finally pulled in, she texted that she had seen us. We looked across the crowd and when Sierra finally saw her, she handed her phone to me and ran to hug her. As they pulled apart they both wiped tears from their eyes. I am so happy that they love each other so much.

Camille is the same, yet different. She seems mature and confident and has been studying all day today. She has made a lot of friends and introduced me to a few when I visited. I know it hasn’t been easy for her to be away. She shared with me that one of the hardest parts is that no one knows about her Dad. This is always hard when you meet someone new. The fact that you’ve lost someone who was part of you is such a huge part of your identity but it’s not something you want to just blurt out. It’s always good when it comes up in conversations.

I can’t help but imagine what this weekend would be like if Patrick were still here. We both would have been so excited and happy to see her and we would have talked about how proud we are of both of the girls. It reminded me of the weekend Sierra surprised us. He had just finished a rough week and he was so happy to see her. We always agreed that it was so nice knowing the whole family was home. This weekend I’m experiencing that wonderful feeling of having both girls home. I just wish he was here too.