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Happy Birthday Mr. Sandwich

Today Is Patrick’s 52nd birthday. I can’t believe that this is the third birthday we’ve spent without him. So much has changed but it still seems like yesterday.

I couldn’t be with both girls this year. Sierra has something going on for school. So Bruce and I drove to Davis to be with Camille for Picnic Day, which is a lot of fun!

Camille took us around downtown for a while last night. She was narrating while walking and I’m sure her dad would have loved it. At one point we realized we were at the edge of downtown and needed to turn back. Then she looked in the window of the building we were walking by and there was Zoltar! There are always little reminders of Patrick.

The Zoltar arcade fortune teller was in the movie Big and was the reason Tom Hanks’ character turned into an adult. Patrick thought it was a cool sounding name so he liked to use it he called in an order for sandwiches, especially if someone else was picking it up. He always had to be different. 🙂 When he signed up for the Port of Subs discount card he put his name as Mr. Sandwich. One time he wanted Camille to pick up Port of Subs and she didn’t want to go alone. He agreed to go with her if she would walk in and say, “I am Zoltar”. She agreed and off they went. When they walked in they said, “for Zoltar”? Camille knew she could probably be off the hook but her dad wouldn’t have let her off that easy so she said, “I am Zoltar”. Patrick went to pay and gave him his phone number and the cashier looked surprised and said “Mr. Sandwich?” Patrick replied without missing a beat, “Yes, and this is my daughter, Zoltar”. That guy…

We’ve had a nice day so far. Camille loves it here and I can only imagine how proud he would be of her. I’m glad that we have so many great memories of Patrick! Happy Birthday Mr. Sandwich! I will always love you!!!

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April Showers

It’s that time of year again…

I have a powerpoint assignment due today and so far I have put the headings on each page. That’s it. I’m feeling like I just want to skip this assignment and of course I won’t do that. Part of the problem is that I just have so much going on. So much good, but a lot of stress too. I’m holding it all together and then, April….

I haven’t blogged in a while and it’s probably because I want to feel that I am just over all of the grief. No one expects me to be. Especially not Bruce. So, I don’t know why I feel like I have to hold it all in.

When Patrick comes up in conversation Bruce will say something comforting and I always tell him it’s okay. He is patient and kind and always tells me that no, it’s not okay, and he’s sorry that I have to go through this. He is exactly what I need at moments like that and I just need to let him be there. But grief and pain are just so awkward and uncomfortable. And I never want to make anyone else hurt. I think it will just take a while to integrate the two loves of my life and figure out how to be comfortable letting the pain out. He hasn’t really seen me cry but I don’t think I can make it through this month without crying. And that’s okay. He will be there when I do.

I am redoing my entire house. Mainly just paint and flooring. Inevitably this wipes away pieces of Patrick. And I know I’m conflicted about this. I know it’s hard for the girls too. But it’s also holding me back. My house has been in a state of semi-disrepair for months and it has been bad for my mood. I need a fresh, clean start. New paint, new floors, maybe a few other things. When the house is done I will be putting it up for sale in the near future. And then…on to new things.

I need to catch up on writing because there is a lot that has happened that I want to write about. And I’m going to find some time to do that. So, be prepared!

For now I will share what I found today. Patrick sent me this email when I was just starting to experience back pain that would eventually turn out to be hip pain and lead to my hip replacement. This was a very difficult and frustrating time for me but he was with me every step of the way. And this email says it all. He loved me so much and took such good care of me. He couldn’t fix everything but he would have if he could. God I miss him.

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Build

I started choosing one word each year in 2017. As I look back on the words I chose, they really did have purpose.

Patience

Cherish – 2018 One Word .

Cherish – I first wrote about this in 2017.

In 2017 when I wrote about patience, it had been over a year since Patrick’s death. I wanted to feel better and it seemed like that would never happen. I wrote how that felt:

“Most of the time I wish I could travel back in time to spend more time with him or relive happy memories. I know that is not my reality so the rest of the time I wish I could fast forward to a time when the grief is not so bad.”

I knew that I needed to be patient so I chose that word to focus on and I really think it helped. I knew things would get better and they definitely did. By the end of the year I was feeling ready to start dating.

In early 2018 I had been venturing into the dating world with mixed results. After meeting several people I realized that I needed to focus on what was really important to me. Patrick cherished me and that was one of the major requirements of a new relationship. I was getting to the point where I felt like I would settle for less and I needed a reminder that I should hold out for the right person.

I began talking to Bruce the day after we moved Sierra to law school. A month later Camille would return to school and I faced the prospect of living alone. I was worried that I would be so lonely that I would settle for any kind of relationship. We hit it off immediately. Our coffee date moved to a restaurant for dinner. The next night’s dinner date turned into dinner and a movie. After that I was happy to close all my online dating accounts and I have been enjoying getting to know Bruce since then!

Bruce and I have had parallel lives for many years. For the last 14 years we’ve lived within a half mile or so of each other. When he told me his cross streets I thought he was some kind of stalker because they matched mine! When we were getting to know each other he showed me a picture of he and his daughters’ at a father-daughter dance. I pulled up a similar picture of Patrick and the girls at the SAME dance!

Bruce’s story is not mine to tell but I will say that although our situations were different we had a lot of things in common. I knew right away that family and faith were important to him and we shared many common beliefs and values. I am so grateful to be dating someone who cares about me and my daughters and treats me really well.

So my word for 2019 is build. Like my last word choices, build has several definitions. And they all apply to different parts of my life. I am getting closer to the end of my schooling and looking forward to building my career. My girls continue to build their futures successfully. I am enjoying building a future with Bruce! And who knows, there could be some other building going on at some point. Here’s to building a great 2019!

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#DONTDRIVEDUMB – 12/31/16

Happy New Year’s Eve! Tonight I’m celebrating with most of Patrick’s family in Grover Beach. I’m in a much better place than I was 2 years ago but this is still a timely reminder to be safe!

Happy New Year’s Eve everyone! Tonight I will be alone at midnight because someone chose to drive while impaired. My resolution for 2017 is to devote time and energy to prevent this from happening to others. Luckily I don’t have to reinvent the wheel in order to make a difference. I am in contact with www.wesavelives.org and will be working with them to see what I can do to make a difference. I challenge all of you to also do what you can to make a difference. Here are some suggestions:

1- #DONTDRIVEDUMB – This is a no brainer but it’s obviously still a problem. If you are impaired in any way, legally or not, don’t get behind the wheel of a car. 

2- Don’t be afraid – it might be uncomfortable to call someone out if they are clearly impaired and getting ready to drive. But it’s probably a lot more uncomfortable knowing you could have prevented a tragedy. Suck it up Buttercup! Take a stand and tell them not to drive! Here is a link to some helpful hints, including intervention techniques: www.wesavelives.org/its-party-time/

3- Take the Courage to Intervene pledge https://wesavelives.org/campaigns/the-courage-to-intervene/

4- Watch and share this video – https://youtu.be/mAFpkKL6c6w

5- Learn more – www.wesavelives.org/3ds/drugged-driving/

6- Donate – In memory of Patrick or any other victim of drunk, drugged or distracted driving www.wesavelives.org/donate/

Be safe out there tonight! Life is precious!

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Time helps

I finished a class today so I decided to take a look at my blog. I still have a lot of posts to move over from Tumblr. In the first year, I wrote often. I was constantly bombarded with emotions and writing things down seemed to help more than anything.

Lately I seem to have less time. School requires more focus, and I spend most of my free time with Bruce 😊. This doesn’t mean that I never think about Patrick or that I am “over” my grief. But time does help.

I stopped moving Tumblr posts over when I got to holiday posts and it was summer time. Now that it is December I’m going to try and catch up. Maybe I will even move them all!

As I look back on the words I wrote in 2016, I remember the fresh pain and the feeling that it would never be okay again. But I took baby steps and got through it one day at a time. And I’m happy to say that strategy has helped. Friends and family have helped. But mainly the passage of time has helped.

This past weekend I celebrated my 51st birthday at Disneyland. Bruce and I were there for three days and Sierra joined us at the park on Saturday. We had a wonderful time! I’m embarrassed to say that I did end up in a wheelchair for half of my birthday. Friday Bruce and I had over 20,000 steps and I was exhausted! On the way to the hotel we stopped at a mini mart for a Diet Pepsi and then I promptly missed a curb and landed mainly on my knee. My soda did not survive. 😂

Bruce took great care of me! I iced and took ibuprofen and felt pretty good Saturday until midday. Then I tried to rent a scooter and they were out so Sierra and Bruce agreed to push me around in a wheelchair. They were troopers but there are some serious hills in Frontierland and I am not a small woman. 🥴 They survived and I was able to walk again on Sunday. The good news is that Bruce didn’t run for the hills! He’s still putting up with me but he’s developed this habit of shouting CURB whenever we are anywhere near one. I guess I deserve that. 😂😂😂 He’s also wondering why I am gravity challenged around my birthday. Lol

I’ve been to Disneyland five times since Patrick died. I love Disneyland but it’s always bittersweet because of the memories I have there. And everywhere I turned I saw young lovers who reminded me of times Patrick and I went before the girls were born. Or I would see a father lifting a small daughter onto a ride and remember Patrick loving the joy on his daughter’s faces when we went. Bruce has his own bittersweet memories. Although we’ve had different journeys, we both ended up without our spouses. Being there with him made this visit different. The memories were still there, but they were softened by the knowledge that I am making new memories with someone I love, who also loves me. ❤️❤️❤️

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Thankful for my family (11/26/16)

Originally posted on 11/26/16

The last few days I’ve been watching everyone posting about everything they are thankful for. They are all very eloquent and some even mention an empty chair at the table. I wanted to write something cheery yesterday since I truly do have a lot to be thankful for. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to be thankful for anything. There is a hole in my heart that may get smaller someday but it seems to be permanent so it will always be there.

Recently I watched Cathy’s mom, Charlene, experience the same kind of nightmare that I went through. Everyone who stopped by wanted to help and most didn’t know what to say. The most common thing people say in this situation seems to be, “What can I get you? Is there anything you need?” Charlene answered truthfully, “Yes, I need my husband. Can you get him?” My heart broke each time I heard this because I remember having the same conversations. I may not have responded that way each time but it was definitely what I was thinking. Logically I knew this wasn’t possible but it was really the only thing I wanted.

I intentionally planned something completely different for Thanksgiving. 25-30 of us in one large, 10 bedroom Inn. I am surrounded by most of the people who are the most dear to me. I am truly grateful for that and any other option would be so much worse but I don’t think there was any way to make this holiday completely joyful since Patrick is missing. Yet I know he really isn’t missing. He is never far from our thoughts. He would have loved this trip but it would have never happened if he were here. There’s no way he would have agreed to the expense. Yesterday, we gathered in a circle to say grace. The family I was born into was intermingled with the family I married into. My Dad and Kandra, Denise, Dawan and Tom, Denny and his girls plus Nick. Mom and Pop teNyenhuis, Gabe, Dom and Caitlin, Matt, Tina and kids, Sierra, Camille, and I. We asked Pop to say grace and when he finished, Mom thanked me for bringing us all together. She said, “We are more complete when we are together.” Then there were tears and lots of hugs. How lucky am I that my two families love each other so much? Later we were joined by Dustin and Jenna and Dina and Jeff. We’ve all been hanging out and enjoying each other’s company.

I chose the central coast because my family has spent many Thanksgivings at North Beach campground. Since there were so many of us we didn’t actually end up joining my extended family at the campground but today we had a surprise party to celebrate my Aunt Emma’s 80th birthday. They tricked her by telling her it was a surprise party for MY birthday so of course she ran out and bought me a card. 😊 After we ate, multiple family members got up to speak and pretty much all of them got choked up when they talked about Aunt Emma and the whole extended Boyles family. A few had married into the family and spoke of how much they appreciated getting to be a part of our family. A light-hearted moment was when my Dad’s former aunt spoke of how she loved the family so much that she married into it twice! Her husband was my grandma’s brother and he, unfortunately, passed away when they were driving back to Oklahoma after attending my sister’s wedding. My uncle, her nephew by marriage, drove out to escort her back. They were actually fairly close in age and after several years of hanging around and helping her out, he married her. We like to joke about how Uncle Ed married his Aunt Vanda but I assure you it was perfectly legal! We also remembered my Uncle Joe who passed away unexpectedly. Emma and Joe were married over 50 years. She is now married to a friend of many years, Rex, who lost his wife after Uncle Joe died.

So I sat there listening to all of the great memories and I was reminded that I am truly thankful for my family. They are the reason I continue to get out of bed each day and I am able to continue moving forward. I am frequently angry that I have to do it without Patrick but I know he would love how much we all cherish our time together. We make more of an effort to be together now and I get to have both of my families with me. I also look at Emma and Vanda and I know they deeply loved their first husbands. They also lost their husbands suddenly and they kept moving forward. I know I can do that too!

Thanksgiving Dinner

Thanksgiving Dinner Table 2

Thanksgiving Dinner Table 3

Thanksgiving Dinner Table 4

Relaxing

Turkey Trot

Gabe and Caitlin

Camille, Dawan, Danell, Denise

Matt, Tina, Andrew, Olivia, and Ella

All of the turkey trotters!

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It’s Not About Me

I’m currently learning about tests and assessments in counseling. I was excited when the instructor mentioned that we would be studying statistics since I really enjoyed my statistics class at Fresno State! Unfortunately, I have forgotten a lot in the 28 years since I graduated (that makes me feel really old)!

Math was always one of my better subjects. I did well and enjoyed it until I took trigonometry. I never took calculus. I enjoy basic calculations and geometry was fun but when the formulas start getting complicated and there’s a lot of funny looking letters and big words, it makes my brain hurt! Thank goodness the girls both appear to have inherited their math aptitude from Patrick!

Over the last few years I have learned that I don’t have to be an expert at anything. I can’t always figure everything out and I definitely can’t fix everything. We all just do the best that we can.

I will always be grateful for all of the support I got after Patrick died. And this makes me want to be someone who is always supportive and there for people. This is not always easy.

Lately I’ve felt a little selfish because things have been going well for me while others in my life have had struggles. I don’t always know what to say or do and suddenly I will realize that it’s been days since I’ve checked in on someone important. This happened with a good friend and I apologized that I hadn’t checked in on her. She told me there was no need to apologize, she knew she could reach out when she needed me.

I’m glad that my friend reassured me. She reminded me that I have a lot of friends like that too. I’ve had people apologize that they haven’t been there for me more and it always surprises me. I am blessed with a huge circle of friends and family. I don’t have to talk to everyone all the time but I know I can reach out when I need to.

I have friends that seem to know what I need without asking and I definitely want to be that kind of friend too. But I also really appreciate the friends who I don’t necessarily talk to all the time but they would be here if I needed them.

Many people have a need to “fix” things. I’m guilty of this too. When someone is hurting, I would love to be able to take away their pain. I sometimes agonize over what to do to make them feel better. Frequently the answer is that there is absolutely nothing I can do. I don’t like that answer and I try to think of an unexpected way that I can help. Or maybe I just need to be there, in person, to make them feel better. The thing I have to tell myself is this………

It’s not about me.

Me feeling better does not change what this person is going through. I may need to do something but….

It’s NOT about me.

So, my words of wisdom for the day:

If someone you care about is going through some type of adversity, be there for them. Ask them what you can do. It’s okay to anticipate needs. Listen to them. And know that there are times when we all need time alone to process what is going on. This is normal and healthy. Sometimes what you can do to help is step back and give them space. It’s that simple.

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I Choose Happy!❤️❤️❤️

I’m in my last week of a class called “Spousal & Child Abuse, Crisis and Trauma Counseling”. I was a little surprised that we weren’t even studying the chapter on bereavement. I think there is a certain expectation that everyone just knows how to handle grief. I’ve learned that is not the case. People have a wide range of reactions to death and no one can really prepare you for it. When you are dealing with it, no one can really tell you how to do it either. For the most part, you find your own way, hopefully with the help of friends and family.

I chose to read the chapter on bereavement. I’m interested because it’s what I’ve been dealing with but also because I would like to be a crisis and trauma counselor and bereavement will be a part of that. Most of you are probably familiar with the “Stages of Death and Dying”. I really think those stages apply to people facing a terminal diagnosis. They can be applied to bereavement also but some of them don’t seem to fit very well. In my textbook I found a newer 4 stage guideline by J. William Worden:

    Accept the loss – At first, this seemed almost offensive to me. But it doesn’t mean you agree with it, just that it happened. This also means that it’s not necessarily healthy to pretend nothing happened. Removing or avoiding reminders does not make it go away. I learned to make small changes that acknowledged the loss without being startling.
    Experience the pain – Grief can be overwhelming! I know that I tried to avoid the pain a lot but it would always hit me when I least expected it. I finally learned to allow myself time to feel it and just let out the emotions. I haven’t needed a good cry in a long time but it certainly helped when I needed it! I found that it helped to know things that would trigger a good cry, and to give myself permission to let it all out.
    Adjust to an environment without the person – grieving families will sometimes try to leave things “as is” in an attempt to honor the deceased. For me, it helped to make minor changes, a little at a time. My mind needed that to remind me that he was gone but I was still there. And I was okay. I didn’t want to be stuck in one place, it would have been dreary to never move forward. I’m not saying that’s how everyone should do it, but it worked for me. Two plus years out I am ready to make larger changes. I’m planning some remodeling but I won’t change everything at once. Baby steps.
    Reinvest emotional energy in other relationships – This one is really important. At first it meant strengthening my connection with all of my family and close friends. Then it expanded to new friends, especially my fellow widows. Now it has progressed to a new relationship. I have a lot of love to give. And I know that Patrick would want me to be happy. I haven’t moved on, I have moved forward.

I could spend my days wrapped up in memories of the years I had with Patrick. This wouldn’t be a horrible thing to do. I have a lot of great memories! But if that is all I did, I would spend a lot of time being sad and missing him. I don’t want to be sad all the time. I choose happy! And I think he would approve!

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Four U-Hauls and an Empty Nest!!!

Since July 2nd I have rented four different U-Hauls! I’ve driven around town and gone north, south, and west. I knew this would be a busy summer but it didn’t turn out exactly as I thought and that’s a good thing!

I’ll start with the second U-Haul. On August 12th, after a week in Catalina and a wedding, we headed to LA to move Sierra to Loyola Law. It was a quick trip! Zio Matt drove the U-Haul and I was grateful that I didn’t have to! Aunt Denise tagged along and we got her moved in to a beautiful apartment. A month later she is studying hard and enjoying the experience!

The third U-Haul was a cargo van that I rented to take Camille to school. After all my past U-Haul drama, I finally found Rodeo Rentals. The owner is excellent! I was supposed to rent a trailer to tow but I did not have the correct lights on my car so he helped me decide the next best option, which was the easy to drive cargo van. The bonus of the cargo van was the extra space I had to bring IKEA purchases home. More on that later! Camille got settled in and is all ready to start school next week!

So the dreaded empty nest has happened! And I’ve barely had time to think about it! A series of things have happened that have made it a little easier to deal with my empty nest!

Patrick took good care of me and that carried on after he died. The decisions he made have enabled me to have a secure future and I’m very blessed that this has given me opportunities. The biggest opportunity yet came in late June when I went into escrow on a family beach house with my sister and brother-in-law. This is not something Patrick and I would have been able to do but he would have absolutely loved it! I’m so excited about the family trips in the future! Buying and furnishing the house has been fun!

After our offer was accepted we began making plans. I gave up my garage to store the furniture we began accumulating, beginning with an epic Costco trip on July 2nd that required a U-Haul to get our purchases home!

We thought it was going to be a quick escrow but there’s always some sort of snag. So, after a lot of false alarms we officially closed last week, the day I moved Camille to Davis. The trip to IKEA, to get a desk for Camille, morphed into a three hour shopping experience, mainly to get things for my room at the beach house (see picture below).

On Saturday we packed up the fourth U-Haul and drove to the beach house. There is still a lot of work left but we mostly moved in last weekend. I was fortunate that I was able to take my computer and do my school work while I worked on getting everything hooked up.

I still can’t believe how blessed I am to be a part owner of a beach house. Sometimes I feel a tiny bit guilty that I am finding joy in life. This is not what I had planned but I am 100% sure that I have Patrick’s blessing.

Just in case I started feeling too special, reality struck and my Clovis house was semi-flooded when a toilet valve broke. I left paradise and came home to loud fans and musty smells! And guess what? It was not the end of the world and nowhere near the worst thing that has happened to me. Denise and Denny came through just like they always do! Denny shut the water off and Denise dealt with the plumber and the cleanup people until I could get home. I’m not sure what’s going to happen as far as damage and cleanup but I will just deal with it as it comes up.

I’m reluctant to share this next part because I don’t want to jinx it. Right after I moved Sierra to LA, I met someone really special. His name is Bruce. We are enjoying getting to know each other and he is bravely meeting my big, crazy family. His first introduction was a teNyenhuis family get together. And, he was able to help with the beach house move and really get to know my siblings and one set of parents. They loved him! Tomorrow, he’s going to the Boyles family reunion with me! He deserves more than a short little paragraph and I’m sure I’ll write more in the future.

So, it’s been a busy, crazy, wonderful summer. I’m excited to see the girls following their dreams and I am very blessed that the good things happening made it a little easier to face the dreaded empty nest! Hopefully things will slow a little more and I will have more time to write. For now, thank you for always being there for me! ❤️❤️❤️

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The Days that Change our Lives

I remember growing up and hearing about Pearl Harbor, and the assassinations of John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and Bobby Kennedy. I always thought those must have been difficult days but it was hard to really grasp the enormous effect they had on the nation.

I began to understand a bit more the day the Challenger exploded. I was going to school to be a teacher and was really excited that a teacher was going into space. I couldn’t watch the lift-off because I had class and I think I was in class when I heard about it. I left school after that class and went to watch the news with Ruben, my boyfriend at the time. I was sure that the astronauts were in some sort of escape pod and would be pulled safely out of the ocean. I held onto that hope for hours before finally realizing there would be no rescue. I think that may have been the first time that I realized our nation was not as invincible as I thought.

Almost 10 years later I watched in horror as the devastation in Oklahoma City was shown. This was upsetting in a different way as I realized that there were truly evil people in the United States and world. There were other tragedies over the years but I always assumed that my generation, and the ones that followed, would never experience the fear and horror that our parents and grandparents experienced.

On the morning of September 11, 2001, I wasn’t feeling well and was still in bed and planning to call in sick. Then the phone rang and it was my sister Denise calling. She was in tears and told me that two planes had hit the World Trade Center. I turned on the news and Patrick and I watched as the terror unfolded. I felt like the world was falling apart. For a while it seemed like it wouldn’t end as we received word of additional crashes and watched as the towers fell. I spent that day and the next several days waiting for people to be rescued from the rubble. I couldn’t imagine that so many people would be dead.

This was also the first time I realized that when things like this happen, and you have people depending on you, it’s important to hold it together for them. I’m not saying this to brag, it’s just the way life is. I pulled myself together and went to work. I knew that life wasn’t stopping, people would still be calling Aetna, and my team would need to answer calls.

The phones were slower than usual, which was a blessing. At one point I left and bought a small tv for my desk and it was tuned into the news a lot of the time over the next few weeks. We were preparing for Customer Service Week and the City of Fresno was issuing a Proclamation in recognition of that. On the afternoon of September 11th I had a meeting with our HR rep to draft the proclamation. I couldn’t believe she still wanted to meet. I just wanted to pick up my babies and go home to watch the news! We got through it and I left for the daycare center. When I got there it was just like any other day. They knew they couldn’t focus on the terror and it was the right decision but it was very strange to me at the time. Things slowly went back to normal, at least as normal as anything could be. A few weeks later the mayor, Alan Autry, came to Aetna to deliver the proclamation and speak to us. He managed to take the message of customer service and tie it into patriotism. He reminded us that we were all doing our part to keep the country going. He ended by encouraging us to join him in singing God Bless America and it was very inspiring.

September 11th affected me profoundly and the world hasn’t really been the same since then. In those early days we all came together as a country and that made us all stronger. Sometimes it feels like our country will never be united like that again and that makes me sad. I wish that we could all focus on our commonalities instead of differences. You never know when we will need to come together again to get through another tragedy.

I think there have been many things in my life that prepared me for the personal tragedy I was destined to experience. 9/11 taught me that I have inner resources of strength that I didn’t even know existed. I also learned that no matter what, life goes on. People say that I’m strong and many people feel they don’t have that kind of strength. I prefer to think I am determined. Determined to keep moving forward. Determined to show my girls how to move forward. Determined to leave a legacy for Patrick. I will never forget 9/11 and I will never forget Patrick.