Author: Danell teNyenhuis

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Thankful for my family

The last few days I’ve been watching everyone posting about everything they are thankful for. They are all very eloquent and some even mention an empty chair at the table. I wanted to write something cheery yesterday since I truly do have a lot to be thankful for. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to be thankful for anything. There is a hole in my heart that may get smaller someday but it seems to be permanent so it will always be there.

Recently I watched Cathy’s mom, Charlene, experience the same kind of nightmare that I went through. Everyone who stopped by wanted to help and most didn’t know what to say. The most common thing people say in this situation seems to be, “What can I get you? Is there anything you need?” Charlene answered truthfully, “Yes, I need my husband. Can you get him?” My heart broke each time I heard this because I remember having the same conversations. I may not have responded that way each time but it was definitely what I was thinking. Logically I knew this wasn’t possible but it was really the only thing I wanted.

I intentionally planned something completely different for Thanksgiving. 25-30 of us in one large, 10 bedroom Inn. I am surrounded by most of the people who are the most dear to me. I am truly grateful for that and any other option would be so much worse but I don’t think there was any way to make this holiday completely joyful since Patrick is missing. Yet I know he really isn’t missing. He is never far from our thoughts. He would have loved this trip but it would have never happened if he were here. There’s no way he would have agreed to the expense. Yesterday, we gathered in a circle to say grace. The family I was born into was intermingled with the family I married into. My Dad and Kandra, Denise, Dawan and Tom, Denny and his girls plus Nick. Mom and Pop teNyenhuis, Gabe, Dom and Caitlin, Matt, Tina and kids, Sierra, Camille and I. We asked Pop to say grace and when he finished, Mom thanked me for bringing us all together. She said, “We are more complete when we are together.” Then there were tears and lots of hugs. How lucky am I that my two families love each other so much? Later we were joined by Dustin and Jenna and Dina and Jeff. We’ve all been hanging out and enjoying each other’s company.

I chose the central coast because my family has spent many Thanksgivings at North Beach campground. Since there were so many of us we didn’t actually end up joining my extended family at the campground but today we had a surprise party to celebrate my Aunt Emma’s 80th birthday. They tricked her by telling her it was a surprise party for MY birthday so of course she ran out and bought me a card. 😊 After we ate, multiple family members got up to speak and pretty much all of them got choked up when they talked about Aunt Emma and the whole extended Boyles family. A few had married into the family and spoke of how much they appreciated getting to be a part of our family. A light hearted moment was when my Dad’s former aunt spoke of how she loved the family so much that she married into it twice! Her husband was my grandma’s brother and he unfortunately passed away when they were driving back to Oklahoma after attending my sister’s wedding. My uncle, her nephew by marriage, drove out to escort her back. They were actually fairly close in age and after several years of hanging around and helping her out he married her. We like to joke about how Uncle Ed married his Aunt Vanda but I assure you it was perfectly legal! We also remembered my Uncle Joe who passed away unexpectedly. Emma and Joe were married over 50 years. She is now married to a friend of many years, Rex, who lost his wife after Uncle Joe died.

So I sat there listening to all of the great memories and I was reminded that I am truly thankful for my family. They are the reason I continue to get out of bed each day and I am able to continue moving forward. I am frequently angry that I have to do it without Patrick but I know he would love how much we all cherish our time together. We make more of an effort to be together now and I get to have both of my families with me. I also look at Emma and Vanda and I know they deeply loved their first husbands. They also lost their husbands suddenly and they kept moving forward. I know i can do that too!

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Senseless – 11/21/16

Originally posted on 11/21/16. Reposting to observe the one year anniversary of Ron’s death.

Life is really unfair. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. These are really inadequate things to say when someone has died tragically. But most of us are at a loss for words when the unexplainable happens. Saturday night my best friend’s dad walked across the street to get the mail. On his way back across he was hit and killed. Why? Why? Why?

I met Cathy Stebles in fifth grade. Over the years I got to know her entire family. Her parents, Ron & Charlene, were like second parents to me. I spent a lot of time at their house on East Herndon. Ron was one of a kind. He had a really dry sense of humor and he always had us laughing. He had his own unique expressions. During high school he would ask us if we had “Met any lumps lately?” He was referring to hunks but of course he needed to make up his own word for it.

He raised his 3 daughters and 1 son to be independent. They learned to drive tractors before cars and had to be able to change the oil and tires on their cars if they expected to be allowed to drive. A lot of his little quirks were really smart. If he were driving us somewhere he would buckle his seat belt and say, “One”. Everyone knew this was their queue to count off as they buckled their seat belts. “Two, three, four” we all recited. This way he knew all the kids were in the car and safely buckled in. I felt like one of the kids and he and Charlene always referred to me as one of their other kids. Once we were adults I didn’t always see them a lot but when I did they were always very nice and made me feel part of their family.

Ron owned an auto shop called Speed Unlimited and he mostly worked on Volkswagen’s. When Patrick bought his VW bus he began taking it there when he needed work done. When you own a 1971 VW bus you get to know your mechanic really well! Patrick and Ron had a similar sense of humor and enjoyed their frequent brief visits. I also got to see Ron more often than I would have since I spent time transporting Patrick from the shop to work and back again. I am grateful that I had these extra opportunities over the years.

I don’t recall the exact dates that Ron retired and sold the shop but it was after we moved to Clovis. Ron introduced Patrick to Burnett’s and they worked on the bus for the rest of Patrick’s life. When Patrick died I was concerned about notifying them. The bus had been in the shop that same week and I wasn’t sure if they had seen news reports. Cathy talked to her dad and he agreed to stop by and notify them. Ron and Charlene attended Patrick’s funeral service. This was a little bit of a shock to me since I wasn’t aware of another time that Ron attended any kind of church service. I would describe Ron as a devout atheist. The fact that he sat through a Catholic funeral mass meant the world to me and made me realize how much he loved Patrick and I.

I saw Ron again at his grandson Matt’s graduation. Matt graduated with my nephew, Anthony. Cathy had an extra seat so I sat with the Stebles/Lamb family to free up a seat in the teNyenhuis section. The last time I saw him was at the Cougar Foundation BBQ in September. As always I received a big hug. He called me “Kiddo” and reminded me that I was always “one of the kids”. I’m grateful for these last few brief visits.

Ron’s sense of humor lives on in his grandsons. I have always been reminded of him when listening to Michael or Matt talk. I will chuckle and tell Cathy that they are definitely his grandsons.

And now my heart aches for Cathy, Charlene, Marilyn, Denise and Mike and all of the rest of the family, especially the grandkids. I know their pain only too well and it breaks my heart that they have to go through this. Ron lived a long, rich life. He was supposed to die, years from now, of old age. Some will say that at least he didn’t suffer. To me it is even more senseless that someone his age would die tragically. The fact that it was 1 day short of seven months after Patrick died is just crazy.

Cathy was my Rock when Patrick died. I can never repay the support she gave me. Now our roles are reversed but I am not happy that I am returning the favor. It’s not fair that she is going through this! I don’t understand, but I know that I don’t always get to know why things happen. I am hoping that Patrick was able to welcome Ron with open arms. I know that Ron would disagree and I really don’t want to disrespect him but I truly believe he is in heaven now. I just wish I could hear what he has to say about it! You know it would be good!

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Shaw Avenue 11/16/16

This was originally published on my Tumblr blog, which I’ve been slowly moving over. The picture was taken on 4/23/16 during a family walk to get us out of the house. My siblings and I are standing with our childhood home in the background. Denny, Dawan, Me, & Denise

The holidays are quickly approaching and I want to run in the other direction. Back to April. Back to last November. I am just so unprepared for holidays without him. At the same time I am really looking forward to January because that will mean the holidays are over.

I really don’t spend my days crying. I promise. And most of the time I am okay but it really doesn’t take much for the thoughts and pictures to start scrolling through my mind. If I go anywhere during the day I inevitably end up driving or crossing Shaw. I can’t really avoid it.

It’s crazy how much of our life is tied to Shaw. We both worked on Shaw. One of my elementary schools is on Shaw. We met a few blocks from Shaw. We opened our first checking account on Shaw. Fresno State is on Shaw. I spent four years of my childhood in the big house on the corner of Shaw and DeWolf. And he died on Shaw, a half mile away from that house. I have now driven down that section of Shaw 3 or 4 times. I only go there when I really need to let it all out and I don’t have to do that very often.

Ironically some of my best and a few of my worst childhood memories are from that house on Shaw. We moved from a tiny 3 bedroom house to that house and I think we all thought we were rich! A lot of the time we had our own bedrooms and somehow the 6 of us survived with 1 bathroom. I don’t even know how that was possible! We had all kinds of animals including a horse, a steer, goats, rabbits, ducks, geese, dogs, cats and pigs. There was always something to do. One time the pig had 13 piglets. They were cute when they were little. I remember one day I sat in the pasture and played with them. Later that day I was on the porch when they decided to go for a walk. Across Shaw. As I watched a car sped through their pack. All you could hear were squeals of pain. I ran in the house screaming. I was so upset I couldn’t really articulate what had happened and my parents thought one of the other kids had been hit. Miraculously only a few died. One had a broken leg but my mom had a splint put on it and it recovered just fine. We laugh at that story.

Another time I was getting home from school on the bus after track practice. There was an almond orchard surrounding two sides of our property. I saw Denise and Denny jogging along the orchard and, a little further, I saw that someone had left a few piles of clothes in the orchard. The bus stopped across the street from my house and the bus driver got out and let me cross the street. Suddenly, I saw a strange man with my brother and sister. He looked kind of crazy and seemed to have his arms on Denny. He asked me to get my parents and told me he had hit two men. We later found out that the tragedy began when a girl was driving by our house, pulling a horse trailer, and hit our Saint Bernard, Morley. Since she had the horse trailer she didn’t want to stop so she went home and told her dad and uncle. They lived less than a quarter mile away, on the opposite side of Shaw. Her dad and uncle drove over to tell us. For some reason they decided to park across Shaw instead of pulling into our driveway. I think the sun was low in the sky as they crossed. The driver never saw them. They were thrown into the orchard and killed instantly. I didn’t realize that I had seen them. Our dog was injured and my parents had him put down. What an awful day! This was forty years ago and I still remember almost everything about it.

How ironic that Patrick would ride past that house and a little way down the road his life would also end tragically. I didn’t really think about the fact that people lived near the accident site and would now be forever tied to this tragedy like I am to the one forty years earlier.

Today Camille went to Subs and Grubs for lunch. She used her phone to call in the order for herself and 3 others. As they went up to pay, the owner asked which one was Camille. She told her she recognized the name from caller ID. She pulled her aside and told her she lived out on Shaw and had been praying for my family. She didn’t charge Camille for her lunch. Such a small, crazy world! What a nice and unexpected gesture! I continue to feel the love that surrounds us, some of it from people we don’t even know. This is such a horrific experience but we are very blessed that so many people care about us and continue to do anything they can think of to help us. I know that I will survive the holidays. I will be surrounded by family and we will keep moving forward. There’s really no other way to go.

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Better with time? – Originally posted 11/14/16

Patrick used to go away once or twice a year for a weekend of camping, fishing, relaxing and drinking beer. He often went with his only friend Joe 😉or his brother Matt. I’m not going to lie, I think it was good to have a break. The girls and I would usually go and buy sugary cereal (he did not buy that for them) and whatever other special treats they wanted. I would sleep really well since there was no snoring. After a day or two, I would really start to miss him and it was always nice when he got home. Tonight I saw a picture of him and I was reminded that I really miss him. I don’t need any more breaks, I just want him home.

At a wedding this weekend I was talking to relatives that I hadn’t seen since the funeral. My cousin Steve commented that he knew it hadn’t hit me at that point and he asked how long it was before it really hit me. I told him that it was probably a couple of months.

The initial shock is a blessing and a curse. I’m not sure if I could have functioned at all without it. On the other hand, I had no clue how much harder it would be later. I had this false sense that I was going to get through this easily. What an optimist!

I know he’s not coming back. But I still catch myself thinking “what if”? Tonight I had this crazy thought that maybe if I had just gone out to look for him again I would have found him alive. I’ve mentioned before that the brain can play cruel tricks on you. For a split second, I actually thought that maybe I did it wrong. Maybe I just didn’t find him?! Why would I even think that???

I do know that this is real but I often wonder if I am “doing this wrong”. I’m becoming more and more aware of my tendency to just stuff all the feelings inside me. This has been a good strategy to make it so far but I probably need to start letting it out a little more.

Okay, enough sadness! Yesterday Matt was going through beer stuff since there were lots of ingredients in the beer fridge and I don’t make or drink beer. I have decided that Patrick would want me to make sure there is always beer in his fridge. Denny and Matt have decided to keep beer on tap here and I think that’s kind of cool. Patrick would be really happy that people were still coming by for a glass of beer! While he was here, Matt figured out that the keg in the fridge still had a bit of Patrick’s second to last batch of beer in it. He decided to give it a try and pronounced it “Really, really, really good!” We laughed about it because there is no way Patrick would ever let beer age for 7 months! And it turns out that it does get better over time! I knew that we would probably keep finding surprises and I hope there are more left to discover!

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The Amazing Auger – Originally posted 11/13/16

I had a small victory a few nights ago. I unclogged the toilet! I know, who cares? I’m learning that there are a lot of things that I AM capable of doing and now I can add unclogging toilets to the list. My parents must be so proud!

I once woke Patrick up from a deep sleep to kill a bug. Ok, it was at least once but less than 10 times. My point is that I probably exaggerated my helplessness a little. Not necessarily intentionally but the end result was him taking care of a lot of the difficult things. I used to wonder why he even put up with me. Now that he is gone I am really beginning to realize how much he loved the girls and I. I always knew he loved us but I understand it more now. And I have a firm belief that love like that just doesn’t disappear. I can still feel it and I know he is always in our hearts.

The crazy part is that I am beginning to love myself more. I think I’ve always been a little hard on myself and maybe I thought I didn’t deserve him. But now I feel more confident and I think all in all I am doing okay.

So, back to the clogged toilet… As you may know, Patrick liked to solve problems and he was usually convinced that his way was the best. When I was growing up if the toilet was clogged, you got a plunger and unclogged it. When I got married I learned that if the toilet was clogged, Patrick would fix it. Unfortunately, it didn’t always happen when he was home. And we didn’t own a plunger because an Auger is the best thing to use to unclog a toilet! So, not much sticks to a plunger but an auger has all these metal parts and I think it’s kind of disgusting. Part of it is rubber and that part is supposed to protect your toilet but there are scratches in my toilets. And Patrick denied making them. Still, I would get the Auger thing and try to make it work. Maybe he showed me how to use it. Maybe several times… I don’t know why but I couldn’t really get the darn thing to work. Sierra eventually learned how to use it. I finally bought a plunger. When the toilet clogged earlier in the week both Camille and I tried the plunger, multiple times, no luck. So I got the stupid Auger and somehow it finally clicked. I used it the correct way and it immediately unclogged the toilet. It’s the greatest thing ever! 😂😂😂

In the last week, I finally managed to part with a few things. I threw his toothbrush away. I got rid of socks and underwear because I had no sentimental attachment. And the girls and I went through his t-shirts and each picked some to have made into blankets. He had a lot of t-shirts so there was more than enough. I’ve also set some aside for different family members. And Matt picked up the VW bus today. I’m so happy he has it. As he left I realized that selling it would have been like losing a part of him again. He loved that bus and I know he would be happy that Matt has it.

I have discovered that it feels really good to declutter. I’m doing a little bit at a time. I have a housekeeper now so that keeps me motivated. When your life is chaos you find order wherever you can. I haven’t always kept the cleanest house but it improves my mood so it is well worth the investment.

Tonight we attended my cousin Bob’s wedding to Christine. I was touched that they included Patrick when they remembered family members who were no longer with us. I am so happy for them and I know they will be great together.

Life moves forward and I can’t be left behind. I miss Patrick every day but I also have good days. Thank you all for your continued support!

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Cross Two More Off the List – Originally posted 11/7/16

This has been a week of second firsts for me. The week was also a hard one for me and I’m never quite sure why some days are harder than others. I haven’t been able to write all week so I’m not sure if I had writer’s block because I had a hard week or if I had a hard week because I couldn’t write anything.

On Halloween, I picked up Papa Murphy’s Take-N-Bake pizza to take to my mom’s. I realized after I got it that this was another unexpected “first”. We used to have pizza once per week. His favorite was BCs pizza but he felt they could be a little pricey so we wouldn’t get that all the time. When I worked in the office I would pick it up on the way home with instructions to call him when I did so he could preheat the oven. And when I got home I was usually greeted with a thank you and a kiss. He appreciated me and I appreciated him. Getting pizza was such a normal, routine thing but these are the kind of things I remember and sometimes they hurt the worst. Just the day to day interaction and knowing you were loved and appreciated. I just think of a typical night like this and I am filled with love, happiness, and unbearable sadness.

People always tell me that I am loved by many and I know and appreciate that. But there is still a hole in my heart that may never heal. I have a lot of romantic memories of our relationship but I feel the loss intensely when I remember the little moments of each day.

When I started working from home last year, Patrick made it a habit to come upstairs and give me a kiss when he got home. I was usually secretly annoyed since the afternoons were almost always quiet times and I was usually in the middle of something that required my full attention. I wanted to tell him that I was still working and just pretend I wasn’t there. Fortunately, I never did. I miss those interruptions now.

The other second first was going to a wedding. Erin is the mother of Sierra’s close friend, Olivia. They have been friends since second grade! Olivia is like one of my kids and Erin and I are friends as a result. Erin is quite a bit younger than me and has always been a single parent. She is very independent and did just fine on her own. She raised a wonderful daughter! And now she has met the love of her life, Matt!

I was worried that the wedding would be hard. I declined to attend a wedding over the summer because I didn’t want to be a distraction if I got emotional. I cried at the wedding last night. Tears of joy! The wedding was beautiful! Their love was apparent and I am really happy for them! I also attended with my girls and my nieces and we had a great time!

So I was doing pretty good today. But I have been stressed about possibly going back to work. Today I decided to check my disability status and my recent reconsideration request was denied. So I believe I will have to go back to work to qualify for early retirement. Everyone has told me that it’s only for a few months and I keep telling myself that too but honestly I wouldn’t be off work if it wasn’t difficult to be there.

The difficult part about my disability is that it is hard to prove. And the last two times I was taken off work due to my mental health, my employer denied my disability. The state covered it both times. This includes the time I was off after Patrick’s death. I did get five days of bereavement leave. I had to take vacation time the day of his funeral and four days after and the rest ended up as unpaid leave. I didn’t stress about it. I had other things to focus on.

If I had a heart attack or a surgery and was going through rehabilitation my doctor could fill out a simple form to certify that I was disabled. For mental health, it is a longer form with a lot of questions. I thought it would be easier this time since I am actually seeing a Psychologist but apparently, her opinion doesn’t matter.

So I’m questioning myself and wondering why some people can go through something like this and go right back to work. Am I less of a person? The thing is, I probably could go back to work at a different type of job. I am functioning in many ways but, for whatever reason, I can’t bear to go back.

I have worked there for 22 years and I was married to Patrick the whole time. I have had a lot of ups and downs at work and he was always there to encourage and support me. Four or five years ago I went through a very difficult time there and he has pretty much hated the thought of me working there since then. Someone asked me today what he would say to me. I feel that he would just tell me to do what I needed to do. He would be okay with whatever decision I made. I’m sure on the inside he would be thinking it would be better financially for me to keep working but he would never put that pressure on me.

So I am going to sleep on it. Pray a little. Hope for a sign or the strength to just make myself do it. If you hear that I ended up walking away from an early retirement package, please don’t judge me. I’m going to do whatever I need to so that I can keep moving forward. I might make mistakes and I might change my mind. That’s okay. I know I am doing the best I can and I really just have to get through one day at a time.

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A Break in the Clouds – Originally posted 10/31/16

The cloud hanging over me has cleared. For now. I have been waiting so long for the resolution of the case and it’s nice to know that I can have a little break from that. Next court date is exactly one month away. I wasn’t hoping for any particular thing to happen. I just wanted the waiting to be over.

I never know how I am going to react to updates. I don’t even remember the date we got the first full update on the case but it was in May. I came home and locked myself in my room. I have only done that a few times. Sometimes no amount of comforting is going to help. I only stayed in there for 30 minutes to an hour but I felt like I was never going to calm down.

Over the summer I waited weeks in between updates. The wheels of justice turn slowly and you really don’t want them to take shortcuts anyway. Then a few weeks ago I received unexpected news on the case and I went into a tailspin again. I couldn’t even update anyone like I usually did. I really only have to ever tell one person and they can spread the word but we have a lot of immediate family so it’s a lot of texting or calling.

I’ve been calmer since then. I was fully prepared to be a wreck the day I went to the DAs office. In the end, I felt they were just as diligent as the police and I was okay after that meeting. I voted for the DA and I am happy that I made that choice. She is very dedicated and caring.

I don’t want to put too much info out there until the case is over. I can say that the misdemeanor charge was the most they could do based on a few things. Most importantly California law does not have a clear measurement of drug impairment. That will be my mission once the case is resolved.

The arraignment was hard. I didn’t know how to feel when I saw the defendant. We did not expect the judge to increase the bail so that was a small victory. I had lots of support. Both of our Mom’s, Denise, Dawan, Denny, Connor, Cathy, Dina, Gabe, and Jenn. If you haven’t figured out by now, I am never alone in this and I am very grateful for my family. And honestly, they wouldn’t be anywhere else because they are all grieving too. As I have said from the beginning, I am surrounded by love. ❤❤❤😊😊😊

Tomorrow is Halloween. Actually, it starts in one minute. Halloween has been a big day for us over the years. When we were younger we always dressed up. And we had some awesome costumes! The first year we were a fork and a spoon. Over the years our costumes included Oscar and Emmy, Bartles and James, Wayne and Garth, a slice of Pizza and the Domino’s Pizza Noid, Hare Krishnas, an Angel and a Devil, Gangster and Flapper, and American Gothic (the painting, complete with picture frame). I may have missed some. I guess we stopped when we had kids and began focusing on their costumes.

Patrick liked to answer the door and basically harass the poor children. “Who are you supposed to be?”, “You don’t look like______”, “Aren’t you too old to be trick or treating?” Some of the kids figured him out and just laughed at him. I would usually hide in the other room and pray that I didn’t know any of the parents! I wonder if any of the kids will be looking for that crazy guy tomorrow night?

My mom and Ernie just moved back into town and she is excited about Halloween so I was happy to agree to hang out at her place. By the end of the night, I will be able to say I’ve crossed off another “first” without him. Happy Halloween!!! 🎃🎃🎃

 
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Facade – 10/25/16

Originally posted on 10/25/16

Everyone always tells me how strong I am. How composed I am. Some days it is merely a façade. And facades aren’t intended to be permanent. Sometimes they fall apart.

I think I just went too long without crying. You try to hold it all in but trust me, eventually, it’s going to come out. Today it was the plants at the top of the stairs. I looked at them and pictured him watering them. He took care of the plants. I’ve kind of taken pride in keeping a bunch of plants including those alive since the funeral but let’s just say some of them are half alive. Kind of how I feel some days. I go through the motions, do the minimum. I know this isn’t fun to read but this is the reality. This is grief. And I promised to be honest about it.

I was chatting with another widow today. She lost her husband a few weeks after Patrick. His name was Pat. We are sisters now. She told me “I still can’t believe Pat is gone!” I said, “I know, I think that every day!” You’d think my brain would come up with something more original. I don’t know why it insists on reminding me. As if I didn’t know!

On days like this, I just can’t believe this is still so hard. Not that I ever thought it would be easy but I swear it’s harder now than it was the first month. At least I know that I will have good days and I do seem to have them more often.

Too much sadness! I will tell a story that I haven’t really put out there. Many of you have heard that Patrick ordered pipes for Denny and Phillip. They arrived here but never made it to them. My latest theory is that the boxes they were in were put into the recycling bin on the day of the accident. As things started unfolding I knew my house would be full of people so of course, all I could think about was how messy it was. The pipes could still turn up but I kind of think they would have by now. They were hilarious. Denny’s was a corn cob pipe and Phillip’s was some ridiculously long thing.

In the course of trying to verify that he did receive both pipes, I found a recent Amazon order that he had placed. The order was for a lighter that was shaped like a little man with a rather large body part that the flame shot out of. I realized that the lighter had not yet arrived so I told the girls we would be getting a package that would make us laugh. The package came on a Monday. I got the mail and left it on the table. We were leaving the house to go to the funeral home to see him for the first time so opening the mail was not a priority. That was a really, hard day for all of us. On the way home Denny was driving and I started talking about the package. I realized that somehow Denny had not heard me talking about it! So, I decided that he could open it. He opened it and there were not one but two lighters in the package!!! I’m not sure who they were intended for but we all got a really, good laugh out of them. They were on the mantle for a while, “saluting” his picture. I finally hid them after one too many kids noticed them (oops)! I didn’t put the picture in the original post but here it is! 

Later I decided that they would be a new family game. I gave one to Alyssa to hide in Denny’s house and one to Caitlin to hide in Gabe’s house. Gabe’s was apparently found quickly but Denny’s was in his 49er helmet and after several months we all but told him it was there and it was hilarious when he finally noticed it. Patrick’s humor lives on…. And now I can go to sleep with a smile on my face!

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Put a ring on it – 10/21/16

Since tomorrow would be our 25th anniversary I wanted to repost this entry from October. I hope it makes you smile. 

As I sit in my family room I am surrounded by memories. In front of me is a gas fireplace with a chimney covered in river rock that Patrick and Dina installed. There is a mantle that Patrick asked Jeff to make. Currently it’s a semi-shrine with pictures I put there in April and never took down. To the right is a photo that Jenn gave us of Patrick and Gabe holding Sierra and Dominic in the hospital. Next to it is a decorative VW bus that Denise recently saw in the store and it made her think of him. A banister is at the edge of the upstairs loft and hallway and there is this odd ledge that is there for who knows what reason but Patrick found the perfect things to put there. An antique radio (with no inner workings), a music stand with music on it, two autoharps, my guitar and case.

Looking at the guitar makes me laugh. Patrick and I dated for 6 years. I can’t remember when we first started talking about marriage but we knew it would take that long to be done with school and living in the same city. After dating for several years he gave me a special gift for my birthday. The gift was a package of toy rings and he had replaced one with a small promise ring. Very creative! I couldn’t wait to see what he would do for a proposal!

The next year at Christmas I had graduated and was working as a teacher. He was 1 year into his two year grad school program. We were at his house and he told me he had a gift for me and he took me into another room and handed me a ring box. Finally!!! I opened it and there was a beautiful…guitar pick! Actually it was pretty ordinary looking. Seriously? Of course it came with a guitar. I became an expert guitarist which is evidenced by the dusty guitar on the ledge. 😂😂 So the wait continued.

Valentine’s Day came. I think there were roses and a gift from Victoria’s Secret. No ring. By this point we had been having discussions. He was in school, not working, couldn’t afford a ring. I was working full time and was fine with paying for my own ring. I know it’s silly but I had been waiting a long time! He asked me to give him the promise ring and he would give it back when he proposed. We could get a wedding ring after he was working. I didn’t like that idea. We discussed it frequently. One weekend he came to visit me in Bakersfield. I started in on him. “Let’s just go to the jewelry store. I can qualify for credit and you can pay for it later,” I told him. “Just give me your promise ring,” he said. “But I want my engagement ring to be different”, I replied. Finally he said, “Oh fine, it’s in my backpack!” I literally ran over, dug through his backpack and found the ring. I think he did eventually actually ask me to marry him before I put it on but he always said my greed ruined his romantic proposal! And my response was always, “Whatever!”

I am so grateful that when I am sad I have so many good memories to pull from. Today is exactly six months without him and I still can’t believe he is gone. Every time I start to write that is always initially my first line. I always change it later because I don’t want to dwell on that but seriously, I am still trying to process this. But I’m also moving forward.

A few weeks ago I received unexpected news. Aetna is offering early retirement packages if your age and years of service add up to 65 so I qualify! I am still off work and was trying to decide when or if I would be able to go back but I knew I would ultimately quit so this is a huge blessing! I still need formal approval but if everything goes according to plan I could be retired in early 2017 with extended salary continuation! I have already enrolled in an online, Masters in Professional Counseling program at Grand Canyon University. So I plan to look into volunteer opportunities that will help affirm my new career choice while I attend school. Big changes!

Six months ago going back to school was the furthest thing from my mind. Retiring wouldn’t have been an option. I am so blessed that Patrick’s planning and Aetna’s program are allowing me to make this change. I consider it a gift from Patrick and I am hoping that going into a helping profession will be a good way to honor him. He touched a lot of lives and I am hoping I can do the same.