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Take these broken wings

I still remember finding the recording of Blackbird on the day Patrick died. I said at the time that I believed it was a love song to the girls and I. The whole family has embraced this and it’s really special to us. I realize that the song is about the civil rights movement but for us it has always meant that he wanted us to “learn to fly” again. 

Last April that was hard to imagine. I still have vivid memories of telling Sierra over the phone. When your world falls apart you want those you love the most to be near you. It was agonizing to have her 4 hours away and I thank God that Denise was living in Southern California at the time. I honestly don’t know what we would have done if she hadn’t been. 

I worried about how we would survive without him. Sierra took incompletes in all her classes. There was no question that she was staying home. We couldn’t have been that far apart at that point. She had been telling us for months that she was graduating at the end of her third year. We thought it was wishful thinking but she assured us it was happening. We were both very proud of her! I remember thinking that she could lighten her load and take more time to graduate. 

When she returned to Long Beach in the fall it was very hard. And she was hard on herself. She reminded me of her 3 year goal and her goal of going to law school. I told her that no one expected her to stick with that now. How could we?  She was adamant about graduating but she finally conceded that there was no shame in taking a year off in-between graduating and going to law school. She could have done the bare minimum and still graduated and I would have been proud. She could have curled up in a ball and not left the house and I would have understood. Instead, she went back and did SO well that she completed all of her makeup work with a 3.8 GPA for that semester. She is waiting for two more final grades to be entered but she is on track to have three extra words added to her diploma, “Magna Cum Laude”! I don’t know how she managed to do this. She had more strength and determination than I ever realized!

I am so proud that she found her inner strength and not only finished school, but finished with honors! I know that we still have hard moments ahead of us but it’s a good feeling to know that your child has faced adversity and beat it. 

She really took the message to heart. She learned to fly instead of using her broken wings as an excuse. She thought about using those words on her cap but she didn’t want to use the word broken. I like what she chose and I think it was a great tribute to Patrick. 

Of course I shed a few tears today. It was hard having this moment and not sharing it with Patrick. I know he is proud of her and he’s with us in spirit but we all know it’s not the same! So, I had a lot of tears of sadness. But I also had tears of joy and pride. Sierra faced adversity and she rocked it! She is going to accomplish great things and I truly could not be more  proud of her! 

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With this ring

Today was another one of those bittersweet days. I had what I call a “non-scale victory” that was also a little sad.

I’ve been continuing to work out and try to eat better. I’m not really saying diet because I really want it to be a lifestyle change! I was always in shape during school but I lost that over the years. I’m not saying I need to be a size 4 or even a size 8 but the weight I have been at puts me at risk for many health problems.

If I focused more I’m sure the weight would come off faster but I’m okay with a little at a time. As my weight has gone up and down over the years I have always been able to wear my wedding ring. I just couldn’t always take it off easily. So, until today, the last time I took it off was some time before Patrick died.

I didn’t like to take it off. I was terrified that I would lose it. It was just the right size. If it were bigger I might have needed to take it off more. I didn’t pick it out but it was exactly what I wanted!

I’ve felt it getting looser but I wasn’t going to pry it off. Today it came off fairly easily. There’s a huge dent in my finger since it was tight! I left it off for now because I think my finger needs to adjust. I’m not sure if I will wear it occasionally or not at all. I tried it on the other hand and it doesn’t easily fit but I know it will soon.

I know there is no right or wrong with this. Some widows quit wearing their ring right away and some never do. There are long discussions about it in some of the groups I belong to! The truth is, I don’t like being alone. I’m not rushing out to date but I may some day. Patrick and I never discussed this but I feel he would support me either way. 

Of course, this isn’t the first time I’ve had this “non-scale victory”. Patrick used to joke that I was just trying to lose weight so I could get my ring off. And when I was able to, he would say that now I could find a new guy! And I would laugh because I knew there was no way that was happening!

I still miss him terribly. I don’t cry very often and to be perfectly honest, that is probably due to medication I take. I am able to cry but most the time I just tear up. Yesterday I was looking through pictures and I found one of him holding Sierra as an infant. And I felt like someone punched me in the gut! These moments don’t happen as often now, so they are easier to bear.

As always, thank you for reading my story, it means a lot to me!

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Hidden treasures

Today is our semi-annual neighborhood cleanup day. I spent time last week finding things to put out and also made another trip to Goodwill. I will probably never finish my decluttering project but it’s definitely a goal!

I know there are boxes of things in the garage that haven’t been opened in years. I look forward to whatever hidden treasures they hold. There are two things in particular that I’ve been hoping to find. The first is a copy of the speech Patdick gave at his grad school commencement. The second is Patrick’s journal from our Engaged Encounter weekend. I have mine and it would be fun to compare notes!

I found a promising box and opened it to find an unexpected treasure, the VIDEO of the graduation!!! This video is on VHS tape, has been in the garage for 13 years and is almost 28 years old. I have no idea what condition it is in. I do have a VCR but it’s not hooked up and honestly I was afraid I might destroy the tape. Camille also suggested we wait until Sierra is home to watch it together. So I dropped it off at Horn Photo and told them it was very precious! We will get the DVD in two weeks and hopefully it will work!

There were other treasures in the box also! There was a large picture of the Phi Delta Theta, California Lambda chapter for 1988-1989. Patrick is at the end of the second row looking very cute with his Superman curl! Several of his fraternity brothers came to town last year for his service and it meant a lot to me. I still have his fraternity pin and I’ve worn it to a few important events so I would have something of his with me. 


The box also contained a Swisher Sweets cigar box filled with useful and meaningful items. Most of them were significant to me. I wish I had the story behind all of them! There was, of course, a cigar. There was a small notepad with mostly blank pages. A Japanese phrase book?? A small compact mirror from Burger King with a picture of a lady on the back. His favorite Disney character, Jiminy Cricket. There were business cards from our wedding photographer, the jewelry store he bought my ring from, the athletic trainer he worked for at UOP and my business card from my short stint selling Rainbow vacuums. The video, his Chapman College student ID and a few other small items. The little purple thing is a picture viewer from Magic Mountain that has a picture of us inside. I have one also but it was still fun to find. I don’t have the exact picture to share but it’s from the same trip the picture below was taken on. 

After I pulled this box out I could see there were other boxes around it. I started to grab another then I decided I would wait for another day. There aren’t many Hidden Treasures left so I’m going to savor them as much as I can. I’ll let you know if we are able to view the video. 😊❤️❤️❤️

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Cherish

On Tuesday night I was at the Clovis East Scholarship awards for Camille. When it began, the couple sitting in front of me, who are friends of mine, reached out and grasped hands. A year ago this probably would have made me incredibly jealous. I would be lying if I said it doesn’t make me jealous at all now. But mostly it makes me happy to see this.

I’ve spent a lot of time on the appreciate your spouse bandwagon, so I love it when I see people doing just that! I’ve told my daughters that what I really want is for them to find someone to cherish them.


I found the above definition on Googke. “Protect and care for someone lovingly, hold dear, adore.”  You don’t hear this word used that often in everyday conversation but it’s the perfect description of what I think a relationship should be. I don’t have a magic formula for anyone to get this kind of relationship but I hope my daughters settle for nothing less.

Patrick cherished me and I cherished him. Our marriage wasn’t perfect. Most marriages are not fairy tales. I think a good marriage is actually very unglamorous. I know that I was so comfortable in my marriage that I didn’t worry if I woke up with my hair looking like a rat’s nest! I really don’t think I am an expert on marriage either. I just know that I was happy and I can tell you what that looked and felt like.

We were kind to each other. We didn’t belittle each other and if we had a problem we would work it out. We respected each other. We gave each other space when needed. We listened and comforted each other. He was my sounding board and I was his. Yes we annoyed each other at times but the good far outweighed the small annoyances.

I cursed at Patrick exactly one time and it upset him so much that I never did it again! We had gone skiing and it was probably my second time ever. Dawan rode up the chair lift with me and was patiently helping me. When Patrick got off the lift we had only gone around 50 feet so he came over to see what the hold up was. The hold up was that Danell was a lousy skier! I fell down every few yards (or was it feet or inches???). Patrick assessed the situation and made a true Patrick observation, “If you’re going to fall, you probably should avoid the big drifts of snow since they are hard to get up from.” As if I was strategically planning my falls! I simply said, “F$&@ you.” He was stunned. Dawan looked had him and said calmly, “Maybe it would be better if we met you at the bottom?” He liked to remind me of that any time I was annoyed with him. 😜

Do me a favor, just humor me… the next time you are annoyed with your spouse or partner, take a deep breath and imagine how annoyed you would be if they were gone! If needed, send them to the bottom of the hill for a break! I know it’s not always fun and games but try to appreciate them as often as possible because time is precious and so are relationships. 😊❤️❤️

 

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First Friday

Tonight was our monthly First Friday get together. Patrick liked to invite his brothers, cousins and friends over to soak in the jacuzzi and drink beer the first Friday of each month. Now we have a potluck each month for anyone in our huge extended family and friends. We have rotated to different houses and tonight we had it at Dina and Jeff’s place. They live two miles off Tollhouse road so it is very secluded. They invited everyone to camp out. It’s not exactly roughing it but I decided to be a good sport and sent my tent ahead with Denny. 

When Camille and I arrived they said we could sleep in the newly finished “apartment” that Jeff built above his barn. It’s been in the works for a while. The main house has a bathroom with a shower and Jeff wanted a bathtub. Patrick liked the idea of an apartment here because he loved hanging out with Jeff and if he stayed up here they could go fishing earlier. He joked that he might just move up here. 

We spent our last Easter together here with his family. Jeff had the apartment ready for the bathtub but the bathtub needed to be moved upstairs to the apartment. I think Patrick, Matt, Gabe and Jeff moved it and Pop supervised. It was kind of hilarious and a little terrifying watching them struggle with it but they got it done and Patrick was anxious for the apartment to be finished. Less than a month later he was gone. 

Driving up here I was very aware that it was my first time coming here without him. The road is very windy and it’s a little scary if you meet another car. Luckily we made it with no mishaps. I knew that Jeff had just finished the apartment so I was excited to see it. I got tears in my eyes when I saw the sign on the door, “Pat’s Apartment”. Dina had also added Patrick’s portrait on a metal print. It was perfect!

We spent the evening enjoying good food and good company! We had a fire pit and even roasted marshmallows! When we went to bed Camille said that overnight First Friday was the best!

I’m so blessed to be surrounded by so much family! And tonight I am enjoying the outdoor sounds AND the comfort of a foam mattress, running water and electricity! I’m very honored to be in Pat’s Apartment. I wish he could’ve seen it. But Camille summed it up perfectly, “Maybe it’s better he never saw it because then he would have left us to move up here!” Which is exactly the kind of thing her father would have said! 

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I wanna hold his hand

I miss holding hands. You really don’t think you are going to miss the little things but I keep finding myself in situations where I would normally be sitting or walking with Patrick, holding hands. Saturday was my niece, Olivia’s, first communion. She is such a happy, friendly, adorable girl and it was fun to watch her. Neither of the girls could be there so I texted them a picture of her. Watching her was one of those happy moments that would have made me reach for his hand and smile at him. I think it was our little way of acknowledging the joy we were sharing, however small. 
I think of him as I walk into a track meet. Normally he would be using one arm to haul in whatever chairs, blankets, etc that I wanted and the other hand would reach out and clasp mine. Many times we would meet at whichever event was happening after a long day at work. When he grabbed my hand it would remind me of how grateful I was to be spending time with him, watching our child at a sporting event. I have caught myself looking around for him when I arrive.
We weren’t one of those couples that were constantly touching and we had separate interests so we weren’t always together. I think I used to think that the “spark” was gone but I realize now that it still showed up in the little touches and looks. Quiet, calm, ever present. We did hold hands when we were walking together and usually when we were sitting together. Last night I watched Camille receive an award, last week it was Sierra and there will be several more ceremonies in the weeks to come. I am grateful that I had a year to prepare for this. I definitely am swelling with pride but I wish I could share these experiences with him in person. Yes, I know he is proud, but it’s not the same. Fortunately I am almost never alone. I did go to Sierra’s alone because the invite said one guest and we were apparently the only people who didn’t ask for an exception! I did have a great time with Sierra! 😊
We are still missing Aggie. We have Denise’s dog, Toby, right now. We love him (except when he barks – sorry sissy 😂) but we still miss the little black pug. It’s a completely different kind of loss and in a strange way I think it would have been harder to lose him if we had not just been through almost a full year of loss. I don’t want to say my heart is hardened but I’ve been through the worst loss I can imagine. I don’t want to challenge God to give me anything more difficult but I think I’m going to be able to handle almost anything. 
I like to end with a laugh but I can’t think of any stories. So, I will just say that it’s hot and I turned the air on. And I set it at 75, with no bedtime increase, and that would really annoy him! Truth be told, I might actually be a little cold. Lol 

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Saying goodbye

I had almost forgotten that there was another significant date last year. The day we said goodbye. The funeral.

I’m a night owl and although I should be asleep I checked the Facebook “On This Day” feed right after midnight. I’m sharing the posts with you as another example of the love that surrounded us and held us up when it was time to say goodbye. 






The picture is from our honeymoon cruise.



The band logo, designed by Patrick (and most of it hand drawn).











Ruth is a former co-worker who lost her daughter in a car crash earlier in the year.


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Surrounded by Love

Every day I look at the “On This Day” feature on Facebook. Since Patrick was opposed to social media he wasn’t on there a lot but I did occasionally mention him in posts or sneak a picture and I’m always happy when they pop up as a memory. I knew that I would begin to have a huge amount of posts in this feed starting on the 20th. I looked through them and the thing I said the most frequently was, “I am surrounded by love.” I said this over and over again because it was and is SO true! 

That love, and the security it brought me, is what got me through the last year. There is a lot of discussion about what to say and do when someone experiences a loss. SURROUND THEM WITH LOVE! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Let me share some of the ways people reached out and surrounded us with love.

The day of the crash many people came to our house and were physically there for us. Others called or texted. I remember looking up and seeing Dave Cruce walking in with a case of water or something. Things like paper plates, utensils, paper towels and toilet paper showed up in mass quantities. People knew how large our families were and that we would need to be together and they made that easier. Dishes were done, trash was taken out, leaves were skimmed out of the pool, I didn’t have to take care of anything for at least the first week and really much longer. 

Jim, Ineke, Jim and Elijah Wood did my yard for most of the first year. Denny and Matt helped often. Dawn Kuhl started a meal train and friends and acquaintances brought food for 2-3 weeks. Linda Crews did laundry whenever I needed it. Cathy Lamb did whatever I needed. 

Many people sent plants and flowers. Other people sent cards. For weeks, getting the mail gave me a sense of normalcy. Sometimes, it was the only thing I did myself. I received a steady stream of cards and letters and I still occasionally get them. I really love getting those and I’m going to try to be better about sending them.

Teachers at Clovis East collected gift cards to a variety of fast food places and those helped a lot. Others included gift cards or money in their cards. Granville Homes employees collected donations for my sister-in-law, Lisa, to give us. This included $500 in Visa gift cards from one of the owners! You may not realize that funeral homes expect payment prior to the service, as does the cemetery. And, it takes much longer for insurance policies to pay. I have a new appreciation for the car washes and gofundme drives for funeral expenses. I was fortunate to have Patrick’s parents help with this and I didn’t have to figure out how to pay. Not everyone has that kind of security. At first I felt guilty getting cash gifts but I appreciated them while I waited for other money. All of these gifts helped out a lot!

We got a lot of really thoughtful, personal gifts too. My friend Sonia gave us journals (which started me on the path to this blog). Dawn, Tony, Logan and Tylar gave us meaningful bracelets and new ones this week. One day I got the mail and my friend, Denise Hert, sent me a personalized necklace that I now wear all the time. 

My sister Dawan was in Europe when Patrick died. She gave me a crucifix from Notre Dame that was my constant companion the first few weeks and I also held it when I addressed the defendant in court. You can see my bracelet in the picture also. Dawan also gave the girls and I necklaces. 


Carrie and Brian Brandlin sent us a memorial candle. 


Sherry Fritts gave me a special poem and a wind chime that makes me think of Patrick when I hear it. The teNyenhuis aunts gave us a framed family picture. 

Another really special gift came from Lucia Prandini’s co-workers. Lucia’s dad, Zio Angelo, died the day after Patrick. Her coworkers in Porterville gave Lucia, Zia Becky and Angelino each a cross wall hanging and they gave us one also. Even though none of them knew us they knew our story and what we were all going through. 


People helped with the service. Lisa Boyles set up the memorial web site for me. Jill Holstein made a beautiful tribute video. If I needed anything, people did it!

The girls each received special gifts from friends, and Camille’s friends helped with the picture display boards. 

I know I can’t possibly remember everything so I apologize if I left anything out. There are so many ways to help and sometimes the biggest help is just your physical presence or your thoughts and memories. I received countless texts and Facebook messages or posts. These meant the world to me. I’ll end by leaving a few examples below. Thanks again for all the love!







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One year later

Patrick has been gone for 365 days. I’ve only seen him in videos and pictures. Some days it seems like just yesterday and on others it feels like an eternity. I’ve tried to share my journey with others. This is mainly for selfish reasons as I seem to feel much better when I write everything out. But I have also heard that others have found this helpful and that makes me happy.

Imagine that you are taking a walk. The weather is mostly perfect and the scenery is beautiful. As you walk you are holding the hand of the person you most want to walk this path with. Occasionally there is a hill and sometimes you stumble but your partner is always right there to help you.  You carry many memories with you and in the distance you can see many places that you want to go and you anticipate these experiences with excitement. You have the path memorized and you know exactly how to get where you want to go.

Suddenly there is an earthquake, worse than you ever imagined. A huge chasm opens up in the path in front of you.  You feel your partner slipping and suddenly they have disappeared. The destruction is so great that you can’t even see the places you had planned to go. The experiences you had dreamed of are no longer possible.

At first you feel like jumping into the chasm and looking for your lost dreams. You don’t really see any other option. Suddenly you see that there is another path leading away from the chasm. This path has not been used as often and it is not as easy to navigate. Sometimes you need help clearing the way. Parts of the path seem dangerous and frightening and the chasm always seems to be nearby. But you start to notice that there are some interesting things ahead. There are other people traveling the path and you begin to enjoy their company. They help to clear the path and point out destinations that you didn’t realize were there. This is a much different path than you had planned. You haven’t forgotten about your missing partner or the plans you had with them but you realize that they would be happy that you found this new path and would want you to continue on.

That may be a little corny but that is how my life is. I am now on a completely different path that I did not choose but it is not as awful and scary as I thought it would be. There are new dreams and hopes for the future. I feel that Patrick walks this path with me and helps steer me in the right direction. He can no longer hold my hand but he still keeps me from falling.

Over the last year I have met so many wonderful people and became re-acquainted with some old friends. I was able to leave a job that I was burnt out on and embark on a journey toward a new career. The girls and I have spoiled ourselves a bit and had some great adventures with more planned. None of us will have a future exactly like we planned but we will have a future and good things will happen. We will face adversity but we will always remember that we survived the worst thing imaginable and we can probably survive just about anything.

I will always miss my husband but I know that my story has not ended. He has provided for my future and I am able to focus on doing positive things and pursue a career where I hope to make a difference in people’s lives.

The girls are doing better than I could have ever imagined. They also miss their Dad but they are choosing to live the kind of lives he would want them to. We have pulled each other through this.

I have heard many different things about observing or not observing the anniversary of death. I can’t imagine how you would ever ignore it so we are choosing to be together, with other loved ones. We will spend the day at Shaver since he loved to be there. We may paddle the canoe around the lake or take a hike. He will be right there with us.

Thank you for all of the love and support in the last year! Keep it coming because this grief journey is not over! We love you all!

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Unpleasant anticipation

I feel like an emotional wreck and I really did not want to let the “anniversary” have this effect on me. I really should be focusing on schoolwork but this week is kind of consuming me. I ask myself why it is any different from the previous 51 weeks? I honestly don’t know why. Maybe just the reminder of the finality of it all? Surely a nightmare wouldn’t last a full year?

I’m not looking for pity and I don’t mean to make anyone sad. I’ve always promised to just be honest here and that’s what I’m doing. I go back and forth between wanting to take a long break from school and then realizing that I really need that consistency. Let me tell you, it is a lot of work. And due dates don’t behave the same way that grief does! I don’t know how I will feel from day-to-day but I do know that my assignments are due every Wednesday night at midnight, Arizona time. Right now that is midnight my time because they don’t follow daylight savings time. I feel like I get an extra hour! My poor family and friends have learned not to bother me on Wednesday because I am likely to be stressed and grumpy. I am trying really hard not to finish my assignments at the last-minute but I have been a school procrastinator for a long time and it is a hard habit to break! Especially since I never learn my lesson! My kids seem to have inherited this from me. I know their dad did not do this! And they also do well in spite of it, lol.

I went to the 6:10 class at the gym today. I drove down Locan and I still don’t know if that’s the route Patrick took that day but it was odd thinking that it was about the same time of day, sunrise would be around the same time, etc. Today was rainy so not exactly like that day but still very close. I really don’t want these kinds of memories to control me. I thought about driving a different way to the gym but I’m not going to do that. I’m not sure if I can go to that class on Thursday though. That might be too much. I want to go to Shaver and go for a hike or something but I am realizing that the weather may not be great and I don’t like to freeze! In any event, I am not going to sit around being sad.

As hard as this unpleasant anticipation is, I am also reminding myself that the grief will not magically go away on Friday. I will be done with my “firsts”, or at least the first year ones, but the pain will still be here. There are a lot of good things too. I’m going to try to share more of those in the next few days!