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4th of July

Patrick and I always loved the 4th of July! We were on our honeymoon on July 4, 1992. We went on a cruise that began in San Juan, Puerto Rico. I remember being a little surprised that the announcements were in 3 languages. I think they acknowledged Independence Day but it was the first time I was ever out of the country on the 4th. I think we might have been in Curaçao that day and we happened to see a ship with an American Flag on it and it made me very happy!

The next year we had a combination 4th of July/housewarming party and it was the beginning of a fairly annual tradition. We missed some years for various reasons (didn’t feel like hosting a party the year I was 9 months pregnant)! We liked having parties on the 4th though.

Patrick would usually barbecue tri-tip and everyone would bring something. We usually made homemade chocolate chip ice cream. We took our fireworks seriously! Usually there would be multiple men arranging an elaborate display. I think my cousins even made us a display with several shelfs for the fireworks. I would usually bring the karaoke machine out so that Travis Holland could sing the National Anthem and then we would play patriotic music during the fireworks. We’re lucky that there were never any injuries or burns because the guys got a little crazy with the fireworks! We were always exhausted at the end of the night but it was always a fun time.

Patrick was a party throwing machine! I usually handled the inside prep and he would make sure the backyard was ready to go. He would fill ice chests, make ice cream and do many other things to get ready. In the last few frantic moments before people started arriving, if one of us finished what we were doing we would check in with the other to see if we could help. 

I have had a lot of get togethers since he died and I always catch myself looking around, expecting to see him. 

Last year the 4th kind of blindsided me. Silly me, I forgot how special it was! I decided I couldn’t handle going to any parties but I relented and went to my brother’s house just before the fireworks. I was glad that I went. 

I wasn’t feeling well on the last 4th of July we had together so, sadly, I didn’t go to the party. The party was at Denny’s and it was one of the first times Patrick had been around Denny’s friend, Phillip. He struck up a conversation and asked Phillip what he did for a living. Phillip explained that he was a supervisor for the street sweepers in Fresno. My charming husband said, “They need a supervisor”. Phillip’s girlfriend, Becky, whom I’ve known for years, walked up right then and I can only imagine what she thought of Patrick. That was just Patrick though. He didn’t have a filter sometimes and he always had a complex thought process. I saw Becky a few days later and I said, “So, you met my husband?” And then we had a good laugh!  Luckily he and Phillip really clicked and when he died both Phillip and Becky had some great memories of time spent with Patrick. 

This year feels like it will be easier but I am prepared for unexpected feelings. I know I’ll get through it but it would be impossible to not be constantly reminded of him tomorrow, just as I am every other day.

Happy 4th of July!!!

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Twenty-five years later

I had technical difficulties last night but my site is back up and secure. Still learning about web hosting and blogging! I added a bit to the story!

Twenty-five years. A lifetime ago. A lifetime lived between then and now. 
I married Patrick on June 27, 1992. I remember that it was a beautiful day with clear skies! My dad took me to breakfast while a lot of people worked to decorate the Retired Teacher’s Hall where the reception was held. 
Later I had a manicure, pedicure and my bridesmaids and I all had our hair done in up-dos. I’m an 80’s girl so it had to be sufficiently big hair! After that we drove to the church, Sacred Heart. I remarked to my sisters that I was surprised that everything was going so smoothly. Dawan laughed and said, “Yeah, no problems, nothing like ants in the favors or anything!” And this remark went right over my head. I was having a perfect day and it didn’t occur to me that Dawan was serious. 
The favors were actually metallic paper that I had taken to the teacher center and used the die-cut machine to cut into the shape of a bag. Inside the bag was netting filled with M & M’s. Half of them were assembled in our apartment which apparently had an ant infestation. Someone painstakingly opened all of the bags to check for ants. If you were there 25 years ago and ate the M & M’s, I apologize!  
Basically nothing was going to interfere with this day we had waited almost 6 years for! Everything came together beautifully! 

Tomorrow I will probably be able to watch a little more of the video than I did last year. I try to remember the joy that I experienced then and the next 23 years and almost 10 months. I thought we would be married for many, many more years. I looked forward to celebrating a lot more milestones. 
I always felt that we had a good marriage but at the same time I wondered how I got so lucky. I was sure that I didn’t deserve him. I know that now I tend to remember the happiest times. There were plenty of those but he annoyed me with his snoring, I spent too much money and I’m sure there were many other things that bugged him. Still, I was hopeful that we would always be together. 
At some point after he died it occurred to me that we had truly lived our marriage vows. We were faithful and we took care of each other until death parted us. I’m so grateful that we had that.
I was thinking today that it is so unreal that when he died I was no longer married. Just like that, in the blink of an eye. These are the kind of thoughts I have. 
On this anniversary I will try my hardest to spend my day filled with happy memories with some distractions mixed in. He would want it that way. 
Twenty-five years. A lifetime of love. Never enough but I am grateful for the time I had. ❤️❤️❤️

When I posted this story my friend Dawn shared a memory from the wedding. When it was time for me to toss the bouquet I threw it from a stage. The ceiling had some sort of recessed lighting ledges and that’s where it landed. It may still be there! I found this picture of Gabe on a ladder looking for it. The best part is Pop (Patrick’s dad) standing nearby with a bouquet which he immediately put together as a replacement. He’s handy like that! 

Today turned out okay. The girls and I went to the gym for our usual double workout. Then we came home and swam and tanned for a bit. We are working on our base tans for vacation! It’s a rough life! Matt and the kids came by, I did some homework and I finished the day with a trip to Mickey’s Yogurt since they have oatmeal cookie gelato right now. Not a bad day! ❤️❤️❤️

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An open letter to Brianna Sandoval

A few months before my husband, Patrick, was hit and killed by an impaired driver, another cyclist was seriously injured in a hit and run accident. Dr. William Dominic, director of the burn center at Community Regional Medical Center was riding his bike home after a late-night surgery and was hit.  Here is the story about the hit and run http://bit.ly/2sp3VvJ, and the follow-up story when the driver was caught http://bit.ly/2tMcpe5. Dr. Dominic is alive but his injuries severely impacted his life and the life of his family. His wife is my primary care physician and she was away from her private practice for an extended period due to his injuries. The case is reaching resolution and as part of mediation the person who hit him, Brianna Sandoval, is writing a blog and posting You Tube videos. The rest of this is addressed to her. If I hear back from her and she is willing to have a two-way conversation and open her blog to comments then I will share the links. Until then I just feel that it is self-serving and intended to elicit sympathy.

Dear Brianna – I recently read your blog and watched your YouTube video, neither of which allowed me to post comments. Instead I am writing this open letter that may or may not reach you. I followed this case closely because I am a cyclist, Dr. William Dominic is well-known in the community and Dr. Susan Dominic is my physician. A few months after you hit Dr. Dominic and left the scene, my husband, Patrick, was hit and killed by another driver who was probably impaired and likely fell asleep at the wheel. Now I am committed to doing anything possible to prevent this type of tragedy from happening again. You will notice that I am not using the word “accident”. This is because neither of these situations were accidents. They both occurred because of the actions of an individual.

You seem like a nice person and I’m sure that your “story” will appeal to some people who will feel sorry that such a horrible mistake affected such a sweet girl. I understand that Dr. Dominic has forgiven you, and of course he has every right to do so. I also understand that your blog was created at his request. If you are truly sorry for what happened here are a few suggestions that may help you to really make a difference in the lives of others.

Your blog should state clearly that it is being written after mediation through the Restorative Justice program. I don’t feel you are being sincere if you are not being honest about the purpose of the blog. Also, your blog states that you are sharing a “terrifying experience” you had. An experience is something that happens to you. This was something you caused. Perhaps you could change this to indicate your responsibility and say it was a “terrible mistake” or, even better, a “series of bad decisions”.

You were seen drinking earlier in the evening and you admitted to drinking two beers and a mixed drink. Why is this not mentioned in your blog or video? If you truly want to warn people and prevent future tragedies you need to tell the full story. I guess it’s possible that you truly believe that the alcohol had no effect on you and you simply fell asleep (more on this later). The problem with that scenario is that someone who is fully sober is going to immediately wake up and investigate. If my windshield was mysteriously broken I would want to know what caused the damage. How convenient that you did not stick around so proof of your sobriety could be established beyond a reasonable doubt.

In your video, you indicate that Dr. Dominic is “in full recovery and he is doing okay”. Did he downplay his injuries? I have not heard his condition described as full recovery. He may be back at work but I think that he will be recovering for a long time. He almost died and I don’t think you should dismiss it as “he is doing okay”. You also mentioned that after your arrest you were “guilt free, knowing he was going to get justice”. I’m sure that it was a weight off your chest to know that you would not be able to continue hiding your guilt but something is wrong if you think the only thing you did wrong was not come forward.

When I met with the district attorney for my husband’s case, I was told that juries are usually sympathetic to drowsy drivers because most people have driven drowsy at some point in their lives. This is the biggest problem I have with your explanation. It is NOT okay to drive drowsy. I don’t believe that being tired caused you to hit and almost kill Dr. Dominic, just like I don’t believe that is what happened in my husband’s case. If you are sticking to that story you need to accept responsibility for driving drowsy. If you are truly willing to share your story and impact lives, tell people not to get behind the wheel when they are tired.

My last suggestion is to give people the option to contact you through your blog. You may get angry responses, in fact I’m pretty sure you will. But if you want your story to make a difference then you need to engage with your readers. You need to understand the impact what you did had on this family. If you can prevent one person from causing this type of tragedy you will have made a difference.

I always look for the best in people but recent history has made me cynical. I want to believe that you are a good person and trying to do the right thing. Right now, your blog and video seem to serve the purpose of eliciting sympathy for you; this is not about you. Change your message. Being honest might be terrifying for you but it’s the only way you will make an impact.

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Garage Treasures

Most people consider cleaning out their garage a dreaded chore. For me, it is a treasure hunt! Our garage has room for two cars and an extra space for storage. We have always parked our cars in the garage so it wasn’t a complete nightmare. Parts of it were though! 

We used to have a small fence in front of the cars. There is a dog door from the laundry room to the garage and then the garage to the yard. The fence was to keep Aggie from running out when the garage door was open. I have fallen over the fence on more than one occasion when my heel has caught it and it wasn’t pretty! After Aggie died I took it down and I’ve really been wanting to do some organizing and throw out unneeded things. Since the Cruiser is in the shop it’s the perfect opportunity. 

I didn’t completely finish today but I took a full carload to Goodwill, my recycling bin is almost completely full and the trash can is getting there. I can already see a difference! Let me tell you, my husband was prepared for just about any kind of home project. He saved everything! Cardboard, a broken garage door opener, a LOT of empty beer bottles for beer making. A few weeks ago I filled the back of my car with boxes of beer bottles and they weighed 68 pounds! That equals five dollars and change in case you are wondering, lol. I found a few more today and put them in the recycling bin. 

I found a whole box of stuff for the VW bus. Matt has been having some issues with it so this should help! 

I filled a huge bin with beer making supplies. The girls went through our costumes and got them from 3 boxes to 1 bin. I found a box full of teaching stuff, mainly files on things like earthquakes and volcanoes. I didn’t tackle that one yet. And, of course, I found a box of treasures! 

This time the box was my stuff so I didn’t think I would find much. The first thing I saw was this. The sign that was put on the car when we left our wedding. 


I also had newspapers from the first gulf war, the 1989 earthquake, and 9/11. Also various magazines. I had plaques, trophies and medals. Sports award programs, patches that were never sewn on my letterman jacket, and a t-shirt from Clark Intermediate with the name of every 8th grader from 1981 printed on it. And my cap from my college graduation! My nephews were my pride and joy back then and this was what they called me for a while. 

The best treasures were two cards and a drawing from Patrick. The first was a handmade card from our first Valentine’s Day, which would have been 1987! He was very creative! 

He made this pencil drawing of me. 

And the best treasure was another Valentine’s card. It says, “For My Wife,” but we weren’t actually married yet. 



I don’t quite know how I got so lucky to find Patrick. I still miss him tremendously and I can’t believe he’s gone. Sometimes I agonize over his last minutes and I still hope I will wake up from this bad dream. As hard as it is, at the same time, I am profoundly grateful that I had so much time with him. Whenever I find these little hidden treasures it is a reminder of how deeply he loved me and what a great life we had together. That’s what I will go to sleep dreaming about, all the wonderful times!

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Time is flying by

I was pulling out of a parking lot this evening and noticed that there is already a firework stand up. Really??? They can’t even sell them for over two more weeks. I am very familiar with the date they go on sale. One week before the 4th of July, June 27th, my 25th wedding anniversary. How can it be so close?

Of course I knew it was coming. I’ve already scheduled a massage for that day and I plan to find something fun to do. I was really looking forward to this milestone and then I didn’t even get to celebrate the 24th anniversary. 

It’s also Father’s Day and frankly I would just like to fast forward through the next few weeks. We talked about going somewhere fun and we still might but we’ve kind of been on the go a lot. We spent last weekend in San Francisco and saw the musical, Hamilton. The girls have listened to the soundtrack so many times that they almost know it by heart. The play was really good! It’s not 100% historically accurate but I haven’t ever seen kids get this interested in history! During intermission I enjoyed listening to a tween girl and her younger brother discuss their favorite parts with their Dad. They had clearly seen more than one show because they were even comparing actors! Do you know who would have been really interested in the play? Patrick!

In case you didn’t know, Patrick had read biographies on almost every president plus many of the founding fathers, including Alexander Hamilton. I think I remember him talking about how smart Hamilton was. He would have picked apart the historical inaccuracies, made fun of the rapping and then secretly enjoyed the show. I can just hear him creating his own lyrics to show what really happened. He would have driven the girls crazy but they would have loved it! It’s not hard to imagine his crazy reactions because it was daily life with Patrick!

The girls and I enjoy playing the “What would Dad say?” game. Most of the time they are better at it than I am. We always laugh and it makes us feel like a part of him is still with us, which I know is true. 

We will always keep parts of him with us. Sometimes this will be a questionable choice, lol. Today I talked to the smog repair shop. I probably should have just donated the car to a school. Or I could have paid to get it repaired to pass smog, which happens to be an amount roughly equal to the Kelly Blue Book value. Instead I am spending twice what it is worth to also fix the oil leak and the coolant system. Maybe we can still get a trip or two to the beach in? I’m just not ready to say goodbye to it so I’m not going to! By the way, here is the picture that started it all! The day he fell in love! 

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I bought you a car! Part 2

To celebrate our one year anniversary, Patrick and I rented a convertible and drove to Morro Bay. We had recently bought our first house so it was kind of extravagant at the time but it was worth it. We had a great time driving down the coast. 

Patrick didn’t really talk about wanting a convertible which wasn’t a surprise since he rarely mentioned wanting anything. When he saw the PT Cruiser he really wanted to get it, even though we knew it was likely to have issues. I’m glad we did buy it! In 2015 we celebrated our 23rd anniversary in Pismo and we took the Cruiser with us. I took the picture below as we drove down the coast with the top down! During that trip we drove into San Luis Obispo to go to Patrick’s favorite sandwich place, the Lincoln deli. They had great sandwiches and a huge selection of craft beer. We stopped there anytime we visited. He must have been really excited to be there because we were only there for a few minutes when someone came in and yelled that someone’s convertible was on the middle of the street! He had failed to put the car into park and didn’t put on the parking brake either! Luckily no one was harmed and no damage was done!

Later in the summer we celebrated Mom & Pop’s 50th anniversary in Cayucos. The girls drove the Cruiser to the coast with their cousins Caitlin and Gianna. Once they hit Highway 1 the top came down again and they had a great time too!


The rest of the time the car was mainly used to get Camille to and from school. We noticed right away that it ran through oil quickly so we knew there was some sort of leak. Patrick also mentioned something that was likely to need replacing but I have no idea what it was. He showed Camille a little bit about the oil but nothing major. I know he did teach her to watch the temperature and he regularly checked things and kept the car running. 

After he died, for the first few weeks and months, there were s lot of things I knew I should take care of and the Cruiser was on that list. Frankly I didn’t care about any of it. Eventually I would start caring that the pool was turning green and I needed to handle routine car maintenance but that was several months down the road. I couldn’t remember when the oil had been changed in any of the cars so I finally just took them all in. After that I put oil in twice, over the next 8 months! 

A while back the registration renewal came in the mail and I had a sinking feeling that it would need a smog check and I also suspected it wouldn’t pass. I waited until almost the last minute to take it in because it was easier to wait until school was out. I had them change the oil first and, of course, it was extremely low. When the technician came out to tell me it didn’t pass I was not surprised at all. He seemed to feel bad telling me so I tried to explain to him why I wasn’t surprised and that’s when I felt the tears threatening.

His loss is so acute at times when I remember just how much he took care of for us and what a great job he did. I really don’t care about the car needing repairs. Whatever, it’s just money. And I do feel more independent but I also miss him and all of the things he did. 

I need to decide how much I will spend on the Cruiser before it becomes a money pit! It’s not the most dependable car but it has been a great first car for Camille! Mainly I don’t want to sell something he enjoyed so much! For now I will  keep my Options open! 

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I bought you a car! Part 1

I don’t burst into tears very often and if I do it’s usually when no one else is around. Today it snuck up on me and I almost cried at the smog check place. But I caught it in time and waited until I was in the car. And conveniently I was right by the cemetery so I went straight there. 

I don’t go there often. When I start to feel bad about that, I remind myself that Patrick would flat out tell me not to go there. I go when I feel the need to. I didn’t stay long. Just long enough to let him know that he will have a real headstone soon and then scold him for buying the PT cruiser. 

When we met, I drove a light blue Ford Pinto station wagon. It had been a new car once but by the time I could drive it had been driven by several family members. We had even taken it to Oklahoma and Arkansas, in the summer, with no air conditioning! Patrick borrowed whatever communal car he shared with his brothers. When I bought my first new car, a 1988 Mazda 323, I really appreciated it! So, I was determined that my kids would learn to appreciate having a good car too. 😂😂

Some people say they won’t buy cars for their kids because they don’t want to spoil them. We got them cars because it made our lives easier! I mean, have you ever driven by a high school during drop off or pickup time? It’s chaos!

I can’t remember exactly when we got Sierra a car but I think it was at the start of her junior year. We found a 1997 Saturn which I thought was perfect since it was only one year younger than her! She was thrilled and happy to have a vehicle. Patrick made her sign a contract, which I found in the drawer of the China cabinet after he died. 


The contract makes me laugh a little because he was trying really hard to be strict but he didn’t really follow through. I think she did end up following most of the rules, but 2, 3, and 4 are doubtful. I know for a fact that there were not monthly training sessions on car maintenance, although I wish there had been. We did like her having a car and it was great having her take over driving Camille to school! 

Camille did not start driving until halfway through Sierra’s freshman year of college. So we had to take on the task of driving Camille to school. Camille knew that it was kind of a hassle so she spent her rides home from afternoon practice campaigning for us to buy her a car. Patrick thought this was a perfect opportunity to joke with her. So, if he turned the corner and there was a car in front of our house, ANY car, he would tell her that we got her a car! Then he would open his glove box and hand her the “keys”. The “keys” were a hammer that was inexplicably in his VW bus. 😂😂

One day he texted me a picture of a PT Cruiser convertible. The car looked like it was in very good shape. He told me they were asking $4700 which was way more than I thought we should be spending on a first car. I asked if it was for him and he said, “no, Camille”. He took it for a test drive and the owner kept lowering the price. He seemed to really like Patrick. We finally agreed to get the car and Patrick excitedly told me the story about the “I got you a car game”. I’m pretty sure that Patrick, who rarely if ever made impulse purchases, just wanted the car so the story could have a happy ending!

The next day I picked the car up and took care of the DMV paperwork. Then I parked in front of the house and waited. Patrick could barely contain himself when Camille started her car campaign discussion!when they turned the corner she rolled her eyes when he told her he got her a car. He told her to get the “keys” out and she played along by pulling the hammer out. This time the hammer had a key ring attached. Camille was very confused and cautiously walked up to the car. She unlocked the doors, peered into the windows, then realized I was filming her and nonchalantly walked away. She WAS very excited but she did not want that caught on the video. 

The car was Camille’s but we all knew that she shared it with him. We all enjoyed taking it to the beach or just driving around with the top down. I forgot to mention that the car had 183k miles on it!

I’m falling asleep so I am going to do something new and make this part one! Stay tuned for part two!

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It’s not as hard, but it isn’t any easier

May was a crazy, busy month! Awards, graduations, moving Sierra, multiple parties… I’m enjoying the fact that things are a bit slower this week. I was worried that it would be a big let-down but we do have a lot planned for the summer so I have things I am looking forward to.

I have to say that 13 1/2 months later it still doesn’t seem real. Time has definitely passed and there have been a lot of changes but it also seems like I saw him just yesterday. 

Setting goals and making plans seems to help me a lot. I added the girls to my gym membership (Urban Block Fitness) and tomorrow will be day four for them. Camille is probably in the best shape overall so we are kind of getting a kick out of the fact that she is feeling the pain! Like me, she is not used to the type of arm workouts that we do at the gym. She is looking forward to having arm strength! Sierra went with me over spring break and incorporated some of what we did into her workouts so she is not as sore but we are ALL feeling it this week. I missed a lot of workout days in May so I’m making up for lost time!

Tomorrow I also start a new class and for three weeks I’m going to be enrolled in two classes. I’m overlapping the classes so I can take a break for vacation in August. I hope it’s not too much. I guess I still worry that if I put too much on my plate I might fall apart. I don’t think that’s going to happen but I still try to make sure it doesn’t. 

My days are mostly good now unless I think about it too much. There is always going to be this ache deep inside of me. Right now I just can’t allow myself to visit that place very often. I don’t think I’m in denial, more like self-protective mode. The best way to describe where I am now is this, it’s not as hard but it isn’t any easier. I know that’s a contradiction but it just seems to fit the way I feel. 

I put my wedding ring back on for Sierra’s graduation and I can’t get it off now. So I guess I needed to have it on a little bit longer. I imagine Patrick chuckling about that. 

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Look out world!

I have known for a while that Camille’s high school graduation would be amazing! Each year it became clearer that she was going to accomplish great things. From the time she started kindergarten every teacher told us what a great student and all around person she was. It’s been so exciting to watch her grow into the beautiful, intelligent, young lady that she is! We knew there would be honors, we just had no idea how many there would be. We couldn’t wait for this year! 

Experiencing her senior year without Patrick was so bittersweet! I tried to always remember that he was with us in spirit but that gets hard when really you just want him physically present. 

This was a tough year in many ways.  I really would have given both my girls a pass if they just phoned it in for the last year. That’s really all I expected.  Instead, just like her big sister, Camille discovered her strength and resilience. Although she loves her Dad deeply, she carried on exactly as he would have wanted.  She radiated love, faith, and strength and I believe it had a big impact on those around her.

She has kept the memory of her Dad alive by recalling funny stories and always having a quick, hilarious response. Like her father, she is loving but not overly emotional. She doesn’t cry a lot but wraps her arms around me if I need to cry. And she never says goodbye without telling me she loves me. 

I knew that Camille was capable of being a leader but she has always been a little shy. I knew that would be her biggest challenge. This year she became a leader!

I don’t know if you’ve seen the story that talks about how we never know when we are experiencing the “lasts” with our kids. Last bottle, last diaper, last time holding them, etc. Every time I read that story I am amazed at how true it is! Last week I was asked to be a chaperone on a field trip to the Asian museum in San Francisco. It was fun to know that I was experiencing the last field trip!

During the museum tour the students were put into groups and they each had to find a particular exhibit, study it, and share with the group. I was surprised that Camille was the spokesperson for her group! A few years ago she would have sooner missed the field trip rather than speak in front of a group. This year she has done it multiple times and even managed to be poised and articulate when she was interviewed by a TV station!

I am overflowing with pride and joy! I am happy that Camille is not only coping, she is excelling! And, just for the record, she graduated second in her class, as A Valedictorian and Academic Scholar of Distinction. She was also recognized for being a life member of California Scholastic Federation, received the principals medallion and was inducted into the Nationsl Honor Society! I can’t wait to see her soar in college!

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Sleepless

Sometimes I question my decision to share so much on my blog. A lot of times I think people want to fix things for me and that’s not the reason I write this. I try to be authentic but there are times I may leave things out because I don’t want to worry people. So I won’t post this right away. 
I’m tired and I can’t sleep. It’s 3 AM on Saturday and I have a busy day tomorrow. I had so much to do yesterday and accomplished very little. I still have times when it is very hard to get myself organized. I finally did a Facebook invite for Camille’s party. I used to kind of frown on those but it’s a week away so I needed to get the word out. I have announcements and pictures to send out. I realize I could have her do those but she has had less time than I have had. 
I rarely get “good” sleep anymore and sometimes the exhaustion catches up. I did sleep late yesterday so hopefully that will get me through tomorrow. 
Sierra is moved home and getting settled in. We are trying to combine her 3 years of college accumulation with everything else she already had. She is a very good organizer and does not get emotionally attached to “things”. She disagrees but she is much better at decluttering than I am. I’m excited for her to get her organizing done because then I know she will help me!
I was thinking about Patrick when I went to bed and it still took my breath away realizing he is gone. It’s more of a brief shock now, not the heavy sadness I felt at first, but still hard. If I’m having trouble sleeping I can go on the Option B Facebook group and I don’t feel so alone in my pain. It’s for anyone experiencing grief but a lot of widows post there. I can see how people who are further along are doing and sometimes I’m able to share with people whose loved ones died more recently. Sheryl Sandberg is one of my heroes now. My blog is not unique. A lot of people write blogs after experiencing this type of loss. They write books too. But most of them do not have the connections she has and the power to bring people together. She is very inspiring!
I haven’t had a chance to write about Patrick’s graduation video. It turned out to be a kind of goofy video about all of the graduates. There wasn’t a single bit of the graduation on it so no video of Patrick’s speech. But there was video of him, acting a little silly, and the girls enjoyed watching it. I’m glad that we have it but I still hope I find that speech!
It’s now Tuesday and Camille graduates tomorrow. I haven’t posted since last week because I have been so busy. I’m still disorganized. Announcements have not been mailed. I can’t stress about it. I have two assignments to turn in before graduation tomorrow. I’m taking a short break right now then I will hopefully finish them prior to the last minute. 
I was looking at my Facebook profile and it made me sad that Patrick is not listed in my life events. So I added “loss of a loved one” and it broadcasted it to everyone so I immediately deleted it. I wish you could just have it be there without showing up in newsfeeds. #FirstWorldProblems.
I’m excited to see Camille graduate but I know it will be hard also. Patrick was so proud of both of his girls! Last night Camille led the flag salute and read the benediction at baccalaureate. She was poised and confident. Four years ago she filled in as the mascot at a rally and she could only do it for a little while because she was uncomfortable being in front of a crowd. That is probably the biggest change Patrick missed out on, Camille growing into her role as a leader. I know he will be with me in spirit tomorrow but I wish he were here…