Posted on

Grief is just a place I visit

I’m fairly certain that this title is something someone else said, I’m just not that original. Regardless of who coined the phrase, I really like it. Grief really is just a place I visit, I don’t live there.

I was recently talking about the day that Patrick died, with someone who hadn’t heard the story. This is a little bit unusual for me, in fact, I can’t remember the last time it happened. I really don’t mind talking about it. I’m not sure if that is good, bad, or neither but I think it might even be part of the grieving process to revisit it once in a while. The person I was talking to seemed to be worried that I would be too upset and thought he saw my eyes tearing up. I didn’t feel like I was going to cry. I made it through that day by keeping grief at a distance and for me, that has been a workable solution. I was able to get through the story with no problem.

I’m not saying keeping grief at a distance works for everyone. For some people, that might not be a healthy solution, but it works for me. And each time I tell the story I remember little things that I was grateful for and also just the wonder and the sense that I only made it through that day because Patrick and God were watching over me. I took things in little doses. Some were a bit strong but I didn’t feel like I was hitting a brick wall. Some of the memories are a little tougher than others but each time I feel them, it gets a little easier.

I know so many people who have lost someone in the last few years and it’s amazing how we all find our own way to get through it. At times I have felt that I have not been able to support people as much as I had hoped and I’ve tried to figure out why that is. Earlier today I posted my blog from the five-month mark. In it, I mentioned the Widows Hope Facebook group that frightened me early on. I think the reason is that I have never been able to imagine myself living in Grief. I can visit but I prefer to visit Hope, Laughter, and Love. I can handle being in those places. Occasionally I stop by Struggle, Loneliness, and Doubt, but those are brief visits too. I’m not saying that this is the only way to survive. I guess the only advice I can give is to try to give yourself a break from the grief. You can visit every day but keep your visits brief.

One of my favorite places to visit is Laughter. I think I made this clear to people early on. Living with Sierra and Camille has helped. They share their father’s sense of humor and it has gotten us through many difficult times. One of our favorite things to do as a family was to visit thrift shops in San Luis Obispo and occasionally in town. Patrick liked to be a miser and he actually bought his work clothes at thrift shops. I think his employees knew this without even being told 😂😂😂. He also liked to find little treasures there and the girls loved finding clothes. I usually bought books or odd household items. A short time before he died the three of them went thrifting and decided to have a contest. They could each spend $5 and I had to judge whose item was the “Most Awesome”.

The girls bought clothing so their presentation involved coming down the stairs wearing their purchases and working hard to sell them. Camille was first and she came downstairs in this ridiculous gauzy pantsuit with patches sewn on. Clearly it was supposed to be some sort of uniform. The funny thing was that I imagined it was originally just a pantsuit. She strutted down the stairs then jumped off and pointed at the suit. As she later said, the suit spoke for itself and words weren’t required.

Sierra was next. She is also really funny and has a background in Speech and Debate as well as Mock Trial and Moot Court. So she is very persuasive! She strutted down and twirled in the most ridiculous t-shirt I have ever seen. She said that she loved that someone put in the effort to display their love of frogs by cutting out a panel and carefully sewing it into the t-shirt. Then they decided it would be a little bit more awesome to keep that extra part, cut it into fringe and add beads. I was dying at this point!

Patrick went last because he knew his would be the most awesome. He bought one of those apple parer/corer/slicers. He gave an elaborate presentation on the virtues of this handy kitchen tool. I don’t eat a ton of apples but I could see the appeal in having them so easily prepared to eat. I deemed it a good purchase but Sierra was my hands down winner. I’m not sure he ever forgave me for not choosing him! 😉

The Friday after Patrick died, Amy and the kids arrived from Nebraska (Dan arrived a little earlier), and Dawan and Tom made it home from Europe. So, the house was packed and we were all very sad. I remembered the thrift store contest and asked the girls to recreate the presentation. That was the first time our house had been filled with laughter since the nightmare began and it was awesome. After the presentation the girls shared other stories about their dad and it was exactly what we all needed. We had been grieving a bit too much and we needed a laughter break.

Like I said, Grief is a place I visit. It’s not my favorite place to go but it’s not all bad. There are good memories there as well as painful ones. And sometimes I do get a little bottled up and I need to visit Grief to let it all out. I have no trouble finding my way there but I always make it back home. If you ever have to visit, try not to stay too long.

Posted on

Online Dating

I think that this online dating thing is turning into a very brief experiment! It’s turning out to be a lot of work with very little reward! I decided that since I do know a few other widows and some single people I could share my experience and some pointers. So far my experience does not include any actual dates and I think I’m okay with that!

Photos – I don’t have access to the photos women post but I’m guessing that a little more thought is put into them. Guys seem to think that we will be attracted to their motorcycles, cars, or a picture of the mountains. At least a third of the pictures are blurry! Who doesn’t have access to some kind of camera that can take a clear picture? The strangest phenomenon is the pictures from the nose up, half of their head. Is this some secret mating ritual that I don’t know about??? Oh, and sunglasses! Yes, I would like to see your eyes! And finally, did you mean for your picture to look like you want to kill someone? Because I’m a little bit afraid of you and that’s not a quality I’m looking for!

Spelling/Grammar- could you use spell check? Are you trying to fit in so much information that there is not room for punctuation?

Scammers – I’m not 100% sure what the scam is but I think it involves making you fall madly in love and then sending them all your money. Do people really fall for this? Here are the clues I have found so far:

1) Their profile description is very flowery. This alone is not a dead giveaway but if their messages are like that too, I’m not buying it!

2) They live far away. I think the intent here is so you can’t meet face to face until you send them all your money so they can come to see you.

3) They immediately want to communicate outside of the app and ask for your phone number right away. I haven’t given anyone my phone number yet and probably wouldn’t unless we were meeting for coffee.

4) They want your email address so they can send you more information and “pictures”. Then, if you give them a disposable email they ask for gmail. Dude! I know you are sending me some kind of virus, ain’t gonna happen! And I really don’t want any more pictures that can’t be posted on your profile!

5) English does not appear to be their first language. The way they speak does not make sense. They are using English but not in a way that you would. Example: “I’m not looking for a perfect relationship or a perfect love. Humans aren’t flawless and I expect her to exhibit one. Huh????

6) Their occupation or profession is unusual. Some of the ones I saw: Real State, Worker, Good Worker, Commander of NATO Special Forces on the West Coast (I’m not even kidding)!

I’m sure I am missing some of the clues but those are the most obvious.

Dating Sites: I joined 5, don’t judge me. Here are my opinions:

TINDER – This one appears to be mainly a hook-up app so I did not join it.

OK Cupid – I joined this first, it was suggested by a friend. She liked it because you answer a LOT of questions with the option to answer more. Then it gives you a comparability %. I found that number questionable since some of the “high matches” had only answered a few questions. I did get messages from a lot of people that I was not interested in so maybe I’m just picky? I messaged one person and he messaged me back to let me know he was working and would get back to me which I thought was nice. He replied a day or two later with a copy of one of my pictures and the message was “Sexy”. I said “Really? That’s your response?” Apparently he didn’t appreciate my sarcasm. He told me he didn’t have time for sarcasm and games.

Bumble – I joined Bumble a day later I think. The appeal of Bumble is that the ladies have to initiate conversation. This app does not show me a list of who I “liked” so I probably liked some people more than once. The profiles are very limited so it seems to be more about looks. I have not messaged anyone on this site and I don’t go on it as much.

Zoosk – I googled dating sites and found a review section. This was one of the more highly recommended ones. It has less information than OKCupid but more than Bumble. I do think that the people on here tend to be real because the site uses software to verify your photos, phone number and social profiles (but you don’t share the phone number or social profile on the site). This is a pretty good app. Still, only got messages from people I was not interested in and did not send any.

Match – This is one of the more popular ones and it seems to do at least some verification. It has a lot of features that I like too. I messaged a few people and I know that a few of them are definitely real people. If I stay on a site it might be this one but I haven’t decided.

Plenty of Fish – This app touts itself as being a conversation starter. When you join, the paid members can see that you are new. I got so many messages the first few days and some seemed at least a little promising. In the end I think it was mostly scammers and people I was not attracted to.

So that’s my review. I think I prefer to just wait and find someone in the real world. I am having fun trying to identify the scammers so I might stay on for the entertainment value. My advice to you, be very aware and assume everyone is an imposter!

Posted on

Giving In

Every once in a while I give in and feel a little sorry for myself. I’m excited about retiring, going to school, and having many other positives in my life. But, I still want that other life back! It probably wasn’t as perfect as I make it out to be. I know I wasn’t blissfully happy every minute of every day, but I was comfortable, secure and loved. It’s hard stepping out of my comfort zone.

In my last post I mentioned my little recurring film clip. There are also places that trigger memories. There is a spot on Fowler, just South of Gettysburg, where Patrick’s bus broke down on the way home from the shop. The mechanic came and towed it back in. I picked Patrick up from that spot and every time I drive by I picture him standing there. I’ve picked him up by the side of the road many times over the years. I wasn’t sure why this one stood out and then I remembered that it happened on Monday and he died on Wednesday. So it’s one of my last memories. I’m sure he got in the car, leaned over to give me a kiss, and said, “Thanks Babe!” I actually gave him several rides that week and that was unusual so it’s a blessing that I had that extra time with him. I wish I could remember every bit of every conversation. I don’t think we talked about anything profound. That night we probably talked about the soccer awards dinner we were heading to. Sometimes it’s the little mundane things that I miss the most.

When I drive down Shaw, past Sunnyside, I imagine his bus parked in his usual spot at the old SJVR office next to BCs Pizza. How many times did I stop there on my way to work to drop off the phone he had forgotten at home? Sometimes I would stop there to pick him up on the way to a sporting event. It was always nicer to ride together.

His memory is everywhere but as time goes by I feel that I’ve lost some of my memories. He always had a better memory than I did and I think of questions I want to ask him every day. My current class is a little more scientific than the others and I would love it if I could ask him to explain some concepts to me. I’m not even sure if he ever studied neurotransmission but he could probably read a blurb in a textbook and make it easier for me to grasp.

When I have bad days or any kind of disappointment really, I always wish for that life. I’m not sure if it’s normal but anything negative in my life now turns into part of my grief. Something completely unrelated will happen and next thing I know, I’m at the cemetery, or driving down Shaw, to pass “the spot” and let out my pain.

My grief is probably more private now. I have to keep my shields up so I can function but I am also a little grateful when something upsets me because I know that I need that regular release that I get when I let go and feel.

I really don’t want to post this because it seems dark and sad and that is not how my life is. This is just part of the process. Letting the feelings out. Dealing with them. I really don’t think I will ever be 100% pain free again. I will always miss him. But, I will continue to embrace life and enjoy the years I have left! I know he would want me to.

Posted on

The Red Shirt

Have you ever watched a movie where someone has a kind of film loop running through their head? It’s a real thing. Mine is Patrick, riding his bike, with a long sleeve red shirt and the baggy bike shorts I bought him for Christmas (with hidden padding so no one thought he was too serious about riding). He has an intense look on his face because that’s how he was when he was out riding. He viewed fitness as an obligation and he usually looked serious when he was working out, I think he might have liked it a little but he probably would argue with that.

I guess you will probably think it’s sad that I have these images of how he would have looked right before it happened? And I guess maybe it IS a little sad but I’m so used to it now. And yes, sometimes I let the film go forward a little and imagine what happened. I try not to do that too much because it is harder but it’s odd how much little details matter.

The day after his funeral, Mom and Pop (his parents), picked us up to drive to Porterville for Zio Angelo’s funeral. I sat in the back with the girls on either side of me. We needed to go to be with everyone and I was actually relieved that we didn’t have to be the focus anymore. While we were driving, Mom gave me a card she had been carrying around for Patrick and I. He had recently helped them put in a new mailbox and I had done their taxes. The card was to thank us and it included a gift card for dinner. She had been carrying it around since before he died. I knew that she needed to give it to me but I think it was really hard for both of us. I choked up a little but vowed to keep it together for the girls.

Then my phone rang. It was the funeral home, calling to tell me they had a few personal effects, the clothing he was wearing that day. They thought I might want it thrown out. I had been trying to determine what he was wearing. I can’t tell you why this was important but it just was. I thought it was the red shirt with black on the sleeves but I just wasn’t sure. I tried to ask without anyone in the car realizing what I was asking. I’m not sure how I did it but they confirmed it was the shirt. I told them that someone would pick the items up. I got off the phone and struggled to hold it together. I spoke to a Patrick in my head and begged him to help me hold it together and I really think he did.

We got to the church and the rosary was first. This was good because I bowed my head as if praying and just sobbed. I think the girls were sitting by their cousins and I had the teNyenhuis sisters-in-love with me and they just surrounded me. After the rosary there was a brief viewing/visitation and during this time I moved and sat away from the girls. I knew their aunts would be with them and I just needed to be away, just for a bit. I sat with Elisa, Marissa and Livia (Prandini cousins) and I think I actually stopped crying but it was nice to feel like I didn’t have to hold it together.

That great big beautiful family got me through that day. I love them all so much!

My sister picked up the clothing and it is packed away somewhere. Probably it should have been thrown out but I just couldn’t do it yet.

So I still have that little video playing. I know there are treatments for PTSD type things but I don’t think I really need it for this. It’s not constant and it’s not horrific. It’s just him, riding. I still can’t believe this happened. Over time it has gotten easier. I don’t cry very much, but it is still shocking every time I am reminded that he is gone. And I still wonder about the little details. I can’t help it. I don’t need to know them but maybe if I did it would be different and I wouldn’t wonder so much? So hard to know. Sixteen months later and I promise it is easier and I am mostly happy. When I write down these painful memories I feel like I am releasing them a bit. Thank you for helping with that.

Posted on

Young Love

I often wish I could relive the past 31 years. I know this is a common wish. If only I could go back in time, make different choices, etc. But I just want to relive it! Savor it! Enjoy it! If I could do it I would only make one change and that would be to make sure he never left the house that day.

Being young and in love is so much fun! I highly recommend it. Right after Patrick died it was a lot harder to be around couples. Now I am at the point where I can be a little more happy for them. Still a little jealous but mainly happy! I especially enjoy seeing couples in the early stages of their relationships and marriages. My nephew, Dustin, is getting married next month. We all love Jenna and we’re really happy for them. I’m so excited for them because I remember what an exciting time it is!

My cousin’s son, Kenny, is expecting his first child with his wife, Trish. I attended their shower last weekend and it brought back a lot of happy memories. Having a child with someone you love is the most wonderful thing in the world and I’m so happy they get to experience that!

Last week I went to a concert with my daughter Sierra, my niece Caitlin, my friend Linda, and my sister Denise. I went mainly because I wanted Sierra to experience live music, in a small venue, like we used to do. Patrick wasn’t always there so it’s not so much a romantic memory but more of a nostalgic one. We were all having a good time. The young girls were near the dance floor and the rest of us were in the balcony. Linda and I were standing next to a young couple, sharing a table with them. We started talking to them and they were so cute! I’m really mad that I can’t remember their names! Hers was really cute, something like Carly but more unusual? His might have been Robb.

They were a good looking couple but it was more than that. They were having a great time together, really comfortable together. They probably thought we were a little creepy but we were just enjoying talking to them. We were surprised to hear that they had only been dating a few months and both were in Fresno temporarily. As he went to get a drink she told us how much she really liked him but that it probably wouldn’t work out since they were leaving. She did mention that they were both from Illinois. I told her if it was meant to be they would find a way!

Admittedly, Linda and I are both kind of romantics in our own ways. Our marriages ended differently but we are both hopeful for the future. And yes, we might have been in a good mood because of the beverages we had! Lol. But, this couple seemed to have a special little spark. And we told them that if you are meant to be, love will find a way! Maybe not those exact words, but we were both really rooting for love!

Before they left I wrote down my phone number and website (I know, I’m a Creeper). I told her that if they DO end up getting married to let me know and I would do something special! I will probably never hear from them again but wouldn’t it be a great story if I did?

So, here’s to young love! Enjoy it! Savor it! Remember it! By the way, I don’t have permission to post these pictures but I will take them down if asked! Yay to love! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Posted on

Maybe it’s time?

So…. in spite of repeatedly saying I wouldn’t, I set up a dating profile! 😳😳😳 I think I might be trying to scare people away with my description of myself but I have to start somewhere, right?

You may not realize this but writing this blog has become such a part of me that I HAVE to write it, even if I’m afraid to say things. I was really hesitant to write this because I don’t want it to sound like an ad. But I also feel like I need to let people know that I might possibly be ready for dating. So there you have it.

I definitely come with a lot of baggage! I haven’t dated for 30 years and honestly I really didn’t “date” that much. I went on a handful of dates before I met the two boyfriends that I ever had. The second one was Patrick! So, I don’t even really know how to do this!

Some people feel that if you meet your true love, that is it, you will be with them for eternity. That is certainly a romantic thought and I will definitely always love Patrick. But I do feel you can love more than one person. And I think heaven is different than we could possibly imagine. There is no jealousy. I do think that Patrick and I may have had conversations about this although we really didn’t discuss much about dying. I can picture him saying something like, “Maybe you will find a guy who is cooler than me!” So, even before I considered dating, I’ve always known that I had Patrick’s blessing. He loved me and would want me to be happy. I will have no guilt about finding someone new.

At the same time, I’m not going to set Patrick aside while I date. He will always be a huge part of my life. If someone is insecure about that, they probably should not date me.

Recently, my mother-in-law, Barbara, told me, “You know, Pop and I don’t expect you to be alone forever.” Of course I knew this without being told but I let her know how much it meant to have their blessing. I also told her that I would only date someone who realized that the teNyenhuis/Prandini family is part of the package. They will always be my family. So, if you would not be happy spending part of Christmas Day with my late husband’s family, then you probably shouldn’t date me because that’s where I will be!

I would love to find someone to share my life with but I don’t NEED to have someone. If I spent the rest of my life as Patrick’s widow, the memories of the great love we had could be enough to sustain me. I would still be sad that he was gone but I am not going to date just for the sake of having someone by my side.

My profile currently mentions that I am a widow and that I’m not sure if I’m even ready to date. So, that will probably scare off most people. And for now, that’s fine.

Posted on

Village of Support

My mind didn’t let me believe it right away. My heart knew that Patrick was gone but I also knew that I was going to have to wait for confirmation. As the shock settled in, the first thing I thought was, “My house is a mess!” I realize that people don’t care about these things at times like this but I knew, without a doubt, that a lot of people would be in my house that day.

When you are born into the Hatch, Boyles, Prandini or teNyenhuis families, you know that family is everything. I am so lucky and blessed that ALL of our extended families are pretty similar when it comes to caring about each other. Family is extremely important. And “family” is a loose term because all of these families are known to “adopt” anyone who starts hanging around, lol. One of the things that these families do best is support each other. So, when I realized Patrick was gone, I also knew that I would be encircled in love and support. I only actually told a few people, but spreading the word is also a given for all of these families. As I sat in shock that morning, the “Village” of my family sprang into action. Calls were made and plans established to ensure that we were taken care of that day and the days that followed. For the first few weeks my job was to just get through each day. There were people to take care of anything. I was overwhelmed with love and gratitude.

Since then I have often reflected on the amazing amount of love I felt during that time. People always tell me how strong I was but how can you not be strong when you have so much support? Since then I’ve watched other people go through similar experiences and they also had a lot of support. But I realize that there are tragedies every day and we never hear about the ones where there is no one around to help the family.

In April there was a shooting spree in Fresno and four people died. One of the victims had just started working for the same company as my brother and was killed on the job. My brother told me that his fellow employees did a lot of fundraising for their coworkers family. They also contacted the other families to offer help. Some of the other families indicated that no one else had reached out to them. So, having support is contingent on whether or not you were lucky enough to be born into a large family, marry into one, or both and whether or not you have a large social network. I thought about what those first few days and weeks would have been like if I were alone and I couldn’t even imagine it.

In November we relived our experience in the worst way when my best friend’s dad, Ron Stebles, was hit and killed. I felt so awful for the family but this time I at least had an idea of what to do. The first thing is food! The family is in shock and they need sustenance. I was staying with Cathy, who had been there for me but I knew I could call my family and before long Denise and Denny arrived with food and water. They were happy to help because they were also grateful for the support we received.

In May, I watched my friend, Sarah Beasley, go through the tragic loss of her son Aaron. I was able to respond in a way that I knew would have been helpful to me and an idea begin to form. I have all this gratitude and so do a lot of other people. Why don’t we pay it forward by being there for families who are not fortunate enough to have the support we have?

I am thrilled to be starting Village of Support to do this. Initially it is going to be a Facebook group of volunteers. As there is a need I will post it and whoever is available right then can offer to help. The list of ways we can help is just starting. Number one is food but there are also things like helping the family navigate through all of the business that needs to happen (funeral arrangements, etc). Maybe it will involve just sitting with someone or helping them with household chores. I suspect that we will come up with a long list of items as well as volunteers and/or experts with a specific skill. I’m going to need a lot of help because I’ve never done anything like this before. But, I have a Village and it grows every day! If you have ideas please keep them coming. If we can do even one small thing to make the process of losing a loved one easier to get through then we will have succeeded.

Posted on

Steam Donkeys

Yesterday marked 16 months without Patrick. I’ve been in a pretty good place emotionally but at the same time I still miss him. I love that I can hear his voice anytime I want on videos. I was watching more videos and wanted to share a few more that were meaningful. MTA is a standard Bluegrass song that he’s played for years. I love his corny joke at the beginning and I love his singing. I sang in choir for years so I can be a little critical and early on I didn’t exactly enjoy his voice (I know that’s awful to say). After years of practice he had a really nice voice. Abdul has a great voice too so he took the lead on a lot of songs but Patrick is singing this one. 🙂 MTA

I also realized that there was another song that really showed his improved banjo skills so I wanted to share that one too. This was always played right after Peace, Love and Understanding. I think you can tell how happy he was to play it too. Little Sister

I can’t remember if I’ve already shared this story, if so, I apologize. My sister and brother-in-law met Abdul at work and they became great friends with he and his wife, Shannon. Dawan and Abdul both have birthdays in February and in 2012 they had a combined party. Abdul’s son plays in a Bluegrass band called The Creak and they were going to be playing at the party. Dawan wanted Patrick to meet Abdul and Patrick was excited that he could bring his banjo for a jam session afterwards. The party was nice with great food and drinks and the band was really good. Afterward they all played for a long time. As we drove home Patrick told me, “I know this was Dawan and Abdul’s party, but I really feel like it was especially for me, I had so much fun.”

After that Patrick and Abdul regularly got together to jam, eventually calling themselves Grass Half Full. The following February we were talking and I mentioned that Dawan and Tom were in Hawaii. He said, “I KNOW! They took Abdul with them!” I laughed and said, “Well, it was for his birthday.” And he said, “I know, but it is OUR anniversary! That pretty much summed up how much he enjoyed Abdul’s friendship. They continued playing together and even had a gig or two.

Dina and Jeff arranged for them to play at the Central Sierra Historical Society and Museum. While they were there they were asked if they knew any songs about logging or the Shaver Lake area. Since there weren’t any songs Patrick sat down with Jeff and gathered some area history and then over the course of a few weeks in early 2013 he wrote 8 songs. They renamed themselves The Steam Donkey’s after the machine used in logging and one of the songs he had written. Patrick designed a t-shirt logo and had t-shirts made.

One evening they were practicing and I came across an email from Mike Kuhl, my cousin Keith’s best friend who we now consider family. Mike wanted to know if Patrick still went to monthly Bluegrass jam sessions. I told him that he mostly played with a friend and I was actually sitting on the couch listening to them. I asked why he was asking. He replied that he finally bought a stand up bass and wanted to play it. I told him he should come over right now. Then I told the guys and they said, ” We need a bass player, tell him he’s in the band!” He didn’t come that night but they eventually got together and the band became three.

They had a lot of fun for the next few years, mostly just jamming together but they played at least 5 times in Shaver and once in Clovis.

Abdul moved down south so they weren’t playing as often but had a concert scheduled for June of 2016. Like everyone else they were devastated when he died.

Abdul recorded a video for the memorial service that was included with the slide show I previously posted. Here is the link to the video of Abdul. Abdul’s Memorial video

He sent the link the Sunday after Patrick died. This happened to be the same day as the season premiere of Game of Thrones, a show that we had all watched together. We had all been at Dawan and Tom’s but the girls came home early to watch the premier. They were very happy that the character Jon Snow was brought back to Life by Melisandre, the Red Priestess. When I got home I sat on the couch with them to watch the video. It was very emotional since we could see how much Abdul was hurting. After it ended we all sat there crying. After a few minutes I was getting worried that they were still crying. Sierra looked up and said, “I just wish the Red Lady would bring Dad back too.” We all looked at each other and started laughing. It was the kind of thing their Dad would say. I knew we were gonna be alright.

Abdul got the tattoo below on his arm in memory of all the good times.

Posted on

Social Justice

I debated whether or not to include this in My Life After Patrick. On social media and in my blog, I avoid politics. I know political issues are important but there has been so much negativity and I couldn’t handle being part of that. However, I have begun to realize that part of my new life is what I am learning in my studies. This knowledge is having a profound impact on me and changing me in ways I never expected. So, this post will be a little different.

As a caucasian living in Clovis, CA, White Privilege is the kind of term that made me uncomfortable. Mainly because I did not understand it. I got annoyed with the term “Black Lives Matter” and preferred “All Lives Matter”. I liked to say that I have friends and family members from different races and I am color blind. All of these statements may be considered offensive because they brush off the experiences of other races. As part of a recent Social & Cultural Diversity course, I found this article by Peggy McIntosh.

In the article, McIntosh explains that she has “come to see white privilege as an individual package of unearned assets that I can count on cashing in each day, but about which I was “meant” to remain oblivious” (1989). I encourage you to read the entire article. I found that the article explained things in a way that I had not previously considered. McIntosh came up with a list of 26 examples of white privilege. They are all eye opening but the very last one had the biggest impact. “I can choose blemish color or bandages in “flesh” color and have them more or less match the color of my skin” (McIntosh, 1989). Why had this never occurred to me? What about nude colored nylons? Do those match everyone’s skin tone?

I know that bandages, make-up and nylons are not really problems we are facing today but the visual was a great example to me.

So, I concede that I have certain privileges that aren’t available to everyone. I can’t presume to understand what it is like to go through life without these privileges. I always thought that success was achieved through hard work alone but I am now beginning to realize that the playing field is not level. I have enjoyed opportunities simply because I am white. I didn’t create these privileges and having them doesn’t make me racist, but we all need to acknowledge that they exist and work to do something about them. So far, I haven’t heard any clear cut solutions for bringing this country together, and I don’t have any to offer. Leveling the playing field is not going to happen overnight. We need to acknowledge and respect our differences. We need to recognize injustice. We need to open our minds and our hearts.

This is a very small contribution to all of the dialogue that is going on. This one small message got through to me so it was important to me to share with others.

Posted on

I’m not really that strong

I guess it's painfully obvious that I am not always strong when I post at 4:00 AM. I've been due for a good cry for quite a while now. I've learned to stuff it in really well but eventually it will find it's way out.

The girls and I have had a wonderful summer and I knew I would feel a little empty when I came home from Hawaii. It's hard to be sad when you're in paradise, but I like living near my family so I knew I would have to go back home. To the life that I never asked for…

Don't get me wrong, I know that there are wonderful things about my life. I am surrounded by people who love me and I have awesome kids. But I don't have my soul mate. And I don't know if you ever get used to that.

I couldn't sleep tonight so I started watching Steam Donkey videos and that brought on the waterworks! It felt good to sob silently. Since Patrick died I've had more nights with a roommate than without. Sierra spent the first few weeks to a month with me and then Denise was with me off and on. Camille moved into my room in December while she was cleaning her room and that took eight months! They are all welcome any time but I think it is good to have some nights alone too. I need to allow myself to not be strong occasionally. I loved Patrick so much so I'm not sure why I think I could ever hold those feelings in.

I started with the Blackbird video because I will always think of that as a love letter from Patrick. There's a permanent link in my blog but here it is again. Blackbird

After a few individual videos I started watching videos of the band. I got to watch Patrick improve his banjo skills over 25 years. Admittedly I did not always enjoy listening! In fact I loved that our house had a sunroom with a door that could be closed to mute the sound but it still felt like he was close. Over the years his banjo playing got better and so did his voice. At the end I genuinely enjoyed watching him play. My second favorite video is a cover of Peace, Love and Understanding. I like this one because he talks at the beginning and he was a funny guy! But I also love the way he played it. For years he had one basic sound that seemed to work for most songs. But this song was different because he actually picked out the notes individually and I know it was hard for him to learn how to do this. I think meeting and playing with Abdul took him to this level and I will be forever grateful that he got to experience this! I know he had a blast being in the band and playing the banjo brought him great joy.

Peace, Love, and Understanding

The audio portion was used in the video at his memorial service and it was great. In fact the Blackbird video was in the video too. Memorial video

I share all of this because it helps me to get the feelings out. Losing him was hard but going forward without him is even harder. The only way I know how to do that is to just bury it all deep inside of me most of the time. I also realize that's not healthy so I do try to give myself a break once in a while and that's what tonight is. Maybe I will sleep now? Hopefully I will wake up refreshed and a little less sad. It has gotten easier with time. Please don't worry, I will get through this!