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Twenty-eighth

Twenty eight years ago I was probably laying in bed awake at 2:00 in the morning just like I am now. I’m taking a training class this weekend so I essentially worked 10:00 AM – 9:30 PM and my class is all day the next two days. I need to sleep, so of course, I’m awake.

In 1992, I’m sure I was going through all of the details and worrying about everything going smoothly. And I was also super excited that my wedding day had arrived. We had waited six long years to begin our life together. The day turned out beautifully and was all I had ever hoped for and more! This will be the 4th anniversary without Patrick and I am able to think about it with more smiles than tears.

The other day, I was telling my counselor that it has become harder to write my blog. I will always love Patrick and I also love Bruce. I know it can’t always be easy for Bruce but he never makes it awkward. I know that I don’t have to hold back and I’ve cried in his arms on several occasions. I am so grateful that I was blessed to find love a second time. My counselor encouraged me to keep writing and I’m sure I will.

I can’t think about Patrick without feeling a sense of deep love and gratitude that we were given the gift of two beautiful awesome girls and allowed to be their parents. I am thankful for them every day and it also breaks my heart that he is missing out on everything they’ve accomplished. And they are missing him! As hard as the quarantine has been, I will always remember that it gave me extra time with the girls and allowed us to live as a family for a while. Bruce would never presume to take Patrick’s place but he has found his own place in their hearts. Sometimes I come out of my office at the end of the day and hear the three of them talking and laughing downstairs. How great is that?

I still have days when it feels like no time has passed and the grief feels fresh. I know that my heart has buried some of it to protect me from the pain but it’s still ever-present. Most days my heart allows me to look back on the good times and remember the love. For that, I am grateful!

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Silence is not always Golden

I’ve recently decided to use my voice to raise awareness about systemic racism and white privilege. I’ve posted some of it here but I was worried that many of you come here to hear stories about Patrick or stories about grieving and I didn’t want to offend you. So I started posting on a site called Medium. This is a user friendly site that makes it easy for anyone to publish their writing and have a voice. I’ve read stories occasionally on this site in the past. I like it because it tells you how many minutes on average the stories take to read so I can decide if I have time to commit to a reading a story. I didn’t realize that you can only read five stories per month before you are required to join. More on that later…

I’ve written that my opinions did not change overnight but instead have been a slow process that began when Patrick died. I’ve been criticized for implying that my college degree is the only reason that I understand this. And, I do think that education encourages the type of critical thinking that helps you look at things differently, but I don’t think a college degree is required. Knowledge is the key and there are many ways to increase your knowledge.

I have found that Medium is a great site to get a variety of different perspectives. Any writer can publish there, not just the highly successful ones. You can pay around $5 per month for a subscription. The stories are not long either so you can read much more quickly than a book.

I find myself getting upset and angry at the many posts I see that are making excuses for poor treatment of black people. I know that my changed feelings may result in irreparable damage to relationships and this makes me sad. I’ve always tried to keep peace. However, I feel a strong calling to speak out and I’m going to continue to do that in multiple ways. My opinion mattered when it was about grief so I am hoping you will keep that in mind and take a few minutes to hear what I have to say. This is not about Patrick and I honestly don’t know how he would feel but he was a good person and I would like to think that he would have opened his heart to try and understand the struggles that black people have faced since before this country was founded. So I am going to use this platform to speak out.

Below are links to the stories I have posted on Medium. These are “friend links” so you can read without joining. I would love for you to read them but I would love it even more if you would listen to some of the black voices that are speaking out, and I mention some in my writing.

Painful Self-Reflection

My Family Disagrees About Facebook Posts

One Hometown – Alternate Realities

If You Think You Are Unbiased, You’re Fooling Yourself

Does It Have To Be Either/Or?

Although I am very tempted to apologize for disagreeing with some of the people I love (since that is my nature), I’m not going to do that. I am stepping out of my comfort zone because I think it is important for all of us to remove our blinders and try to understand what is going on. It’s not going away folks, no matter how sad or angry it makes you. I’m going to end with a quote from my friend, Paul Moore. Full disclaimer, I didn’t ask his permission but I feel he would be ok with it.

I feel like we are living out Malcolm’s post-JFK-assassination “chickens come home to roost” quote. Suddenly we’re back to 1968…because we never really got past 1968 in the first place. We are stuck and we need to change as much as ever before, because we can’t and shouldn’t go back to our head-in-the-sand recent existence. One day after another, we prove ourselves to not be nearly as good a country as we claim to be. The first step to recovery is admitting we have a problem, and it should be obvious by now we do have a problem.