April Showers

It’s that time of year again…

I have a powerpoint assignment due today and so far I have put the headings on each page. That’s it. I’m feeling like I just want to skip this assignment and of course I won’t do that. Part of the problem is that I just have so much going on. So much good, but a lot of stress too. I’m holding it all together and then, April….

I haven’t blogged in a while and it’s probably because I want to feel that I am just over all of the grief. No one expects me to be. Especially not Bruce. So, I don’t know why I feel like I have to hold it all in.

When Patrick comes up in conversation Bruce will say something comforting and I always tell him it’s okay. He is patient and kind and always tells me that no, it’s not okay, and he’s sorry that I have to go through this. He is exactly what I need at moments like that and I just need to let him be there. But grief and pain are just so awkward and uncomfortable. And I never want to make anyone else hurt. I think it will just take a while to integrate the two loves of my life and figure out how to be comfortable letting the pain out. He hasn’t really seen me cry but I don’t think I can make it through this month without crying. And that’s okay. He will be there when I do.

I am redoing my entire house. Mainly just paint and flooring. Inevitably this wipes away pieces of Patrick. And I know I’m conflicted about this. I know it’s hard for the girls too. But it’s also holding me back. My house has been in a state of semi-disrepair for months and it has been bad for my mood. I need a fresh, clean start. New paint, new floors, maybe a few other things. When the house is done I will be putting it up for sale in the near future. And then…on to new things.

I need to catch up on writing because there is a lot that has happened that I want to write about. And I’m going to find some time to do that. So, be prepared!

For now I will share what I found today. Patrick sent me this email when I was just starting to experience back pain that would eventually turn out to be hip pain and lead to my hip replacement. This was a very difficult and frustrating time for me but he was with me every step of the way. And this email says it all. He loved me so much and took such good care of me. He couldn’t fix everything but he would have if he could. God I miss him.