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Three Years

Exactly three years ago, April 20th, just after midnight, I only had a few hours left with Patrick and I didn’t even know it. He went to bed before I did so I was probably still awake at this point. When I got in bed he was sound asleep. And when he woke up, I was sound asleep. It’s so crazy to think about it. I try to stay away from thinking “what if” but it’s inevitable. That day will forever replay in my mind and it is still mind-boggling that it even happened.


The girls both got home today and that made me very happy. As I waited, I checked the Find My Friends app frequently, as the dots representing them got closer and closer. We didn’t use that back then. I think I tried to use it but it kept getting mysteriously turned off. Now it is a comfort for us to always know where the others are, especially since they are at opposite ends of the state! Today I couldn’t help but remember our reunion in the driveway when Sierra got in from LA that day. We held each other and sobbed but I was so relieved to have them with me.


I thank God for my girls. Well, God, and Patrick. They were my reason to keep going and I am so proud of them. I wish Patrick could be here in person to see it but I know he is always with us in spirit.

As time has passed, the pain has become more bearable, but it will always be there. I focus instead on the happy memories and I try to live life being grateful for all that I have had. I am blessed that I had almost 30 years with Patrick. And I have to say that this has been more bearable because of the man he was. Thinking of him feels me with happiness. He loved the girls and I and he is present in our lives, reminding us to be happy. I owe it to him to live a good life.

Recently I found some picture CDs that I had forgotten so I decided to share a few of those pictures today. As always, remember Patrick today by doing something nice, making someone laugh, or just being corny!

Not sure exactly when this was but I love his smile!
Out for our nightly walk with the girls.
Camping with the Boyles family.
At Dina & Jeff’s wedding
In Seattle for Damian & Suzanne’s wedding.
Patrick won the naming contest!
At my 20-year reunion. That is some seriously red hair!
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Happy Birthday Mr. Sandwich

Today Is Patrick’s 52nd birthday. I can’t believe that this is the third birthday we’ve spent without him. So much has changed but it still seems like yesterday.

I couldn’t be with both girls this year. Sierra has something going on for school. So Bruce and I drove to Davis to be with Camille for Picnic Day, which is a lot of fun!

Camille took us around downtown for a while last night. She was narrating while walking and I’m sure her dad would have loved it. At one point we realized we were at the edge of downtown and needed to turn back. Then she looked in the window of the building we were walking by and there was Zoltar! There are always little reminders of Patrick.

The Zoltar arcade fortune teller was in the movie Big and was the reason Tom Hanks’ character turned into an adult. Patrick thought it was a cool sounding name so he liked to use it he called in an order for sandwiches, especially if someone else was picking it up. He always had to be different. 🙂 When he signed up for the Port of Subs discount card he put his name as Mr. Sandwich. One time he wanted Camille to pick up Port of Subs and she didn’t want to go alone. He agreed to go with her if she would walk in and say, “I am Zoltar”. She agreed and off they went. When they walked in they said, “for Zoltar”? Camille knew she could probably be off the hook but her dad wouldn’t have let her off that easy so she said, “I am Zoltar”. Patrick went to pay and gave him his phone number and the cashier looked surprised and said “Mr. Sandwich?” Patrick replied without missing a beat, “Yes, and this is my daughter, Zoltar”. That guy…

We’ve had a nice day so far. Camille loves it here and I can only imagine how proud he would be of her. I’m glad that we have so many great memories of Patrick! Happy Birthday Mr. Sandwich! I will always love you!!!

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April Showers

It’s that time of year again…

I have a powerpoint assignment due today and so far I have put the headings on each page. That’s it. I’m feeling like I just want to skip this assignment and of course I won’t do that. Part of the problem is that I just have so much going on. So much good, but a lot of stress too. I’m holding it all together and then, April….

I haven’t blogged in a while and it’s probably because I want to feel that I am just over all of the grief. No one expects me to be. Especially not Bruce. So, I don’t know why I feel like I have to hold it all in.

When Patrick comes up in conversation Bruce will say something comforting and I always tell him it’s okay. He is patient and kind and always tells me that no, it’s not okay, and he’s sorry that I have to go through this. He is exactly what I need at moments like that and I just need to let him be there. But grief and pain are just so awkward and uncomfortable. And I never want to make anyone else hurt. I think it will just take a while to integrate the two loves of my life and figure out how to be comfortable letting the pain out. He hasn’t really seen me cry but I don’t think I can make it through this month without crying. And that’s okay. He will be there when I do.

I am redoing my entire house. Mainly just paint and flooring. Inevitably this wipes away pieces of Patrick. And I know I’m conflicted about this. I know it’s hard for the girls too. But it’s also holding me back. My house has been in a state of semi-disrepair for months and it has been bad for my mood. I need a fresh, clean start. New paint, new floors, maybe a few other things. When the house is done I will be putting it up for sale in the near future. And then…on to new things.

I need to catch up on writing because there is a lot that has happened that I want to write about. And I’m going to find some time to do that. So, be prepared!

For now I will share what I found today. Patrick sent me this email when I was just starting to experience back pain that would eventually turn out to be hip pain and lead to my hip replacement. This was a very difficult and frustrating time for me but he was with me every step of the way. And this email says it all. He loved me so much and took such good care of me. He couldn’t fix everything but he would have if he could. God I miss him.