Ups and downs of life

Camille has wrapped up her freshman year at UC Davis. She did well, loved the experience, and made new friends. This time last year I was terrified of letting go and I know she was a little apprehensive too. I’m so happy that she loved her first year there. Patrick would have been very happy about that too. And, of course, I really miss him at times like this.

He would have been excited to hear about her year and even more excited to have her home! And he would have loved UC Davis. I’m sure he would have wanted to take his bike and ride around campus with her. And he would have made the moving so much easier!

As I was driving to get her, I had some random flashbacks of the day he died. For some reason I was thinking about different family members and what it must have been like for them. Matt, Patrick’s younger brother, was always the baby of the family. On that day I gave him one of the hardest tasks. Early on, when we knew, but not really, I asked him to go pick up his parents. I didn’t want them to get a phone call so I asked him to just go. Matt was very close to Patrick and that must have been really hard. I think I probably knew it was a lot to ask, but I also knew he could do it.

I don’t know why thoughts like that randomly pop into my head. They make me incredibly sad and I can’t always show it because it’s just hard to explain. Luckily it doesn’t happen often, and it’s not unbearable. It is just part of my life. So I’m kind of used to it and I don’t stay sad for long.

Sometimes other random things happen. Several days ago I had a missed call from a blocked number. I didn’t even think about who it might be. A year ago, or two years ago, I would have known it was possibly the police, or the DA. But not now. Then yesterday I got a call while we were in the middle of moving Camille….

The detective was calling and he wanted to know what I wanted to do with Patrick’s bike. I didn’t even know they still had it. I think I wondered at first, just like I wondered about his phone, and maybe the police report, or the autopsy. But I never asked. If I asked, then I would have to make a decision, so I just never asked. And then suddenly, there I was, being asked about the bike that he had owned for possibly 20 or more years. The bike that was a huge part of his life. The bike he died on. The call kind of took my breath away. One thing I have learned is that I don’t have to make immediate decisions. I asked a few questions and then told him I would need a few days. My gut said I should let them destroy it. But I knew I couldn’t make a snap decision. It was just so weird and unexpected. I did finally ask about the phone, his ancient flip phone. I saved the charger but it may not even turn on. If it does, I’m not sure what will even be on it, but I do want to see. And it kind of has sentimental value.

I asked for feedback from the Option B Facebook group and got some good suggestions. Some suggested it might be closure. Others told me that I shouldn’t let an object hold any power over me. Finally, my brother asked if he could pick it up. He’s going to do something with it to raise awareness, which is a great idea.

And now, I have both daughters home for a few months. We have some fun trips planned and I know it will fly by. Then I will be living alone for the first time in 27 or so years. I enjoyed it the first time, but I usually saw Patrick on the weekends. I think I will enjoy aspects of it now and I also think I will have a lot of things to keep me busy. For now, I’m just going to enjoy my summer with the girls!