Writing has become such a big part of my life. I haven’t written much because it’s hard to reconcile how to continue writing a blog about your late husband while dating someone. Really, the blog isn’t just about Patrick, it’s about my life after, and I need to keep that in mind. I don’t think I’m done telling my story.
The new relationship has ended. I did the ending but that doesn’t mean it was easy. And I really don’t want to write too much about it except to say that I don’t regret any time I spent with him and I wish I could have made it work.
Dating is so much different at this age. When Patrick and I met we were in the “planning your future” stage. We planned it out and that’s pretty much how it happened. Now I’m not even 100% sure what I want. I have another year of classes left and then eight months of practicum/internship. I don’t think I am going to completely know what my future will look like until after that.
And I’m figuring out that I am pretty set in my ways. I have my routines and familiarity is comfortable to me. It’s funny because so many people tell me how strong I’ve been. Sometimes I wonder about that. I mean, I wasn’t able to go back to work. I know so many widows who didn’t have that option. I’m grateful that it worked out but I do question my strength. And a little part of me worries that I will fail at counseling. I think it’s probably ok to be a little nervous about it but I do hope I made the right choice.
I still feel overwhelmed at times and that’s when I fall back on my routines. Most people around me know that homework is due every Saturday, Monday, and a big assignment on Wednesday. Sometimes life throws a wrench in those plans and I get cranky and stressed. So I realize that maybe this wasn’t the best time to be in a relationship. And probably I should just focus on school for now. I don’t know. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be but it sucks to hurt someone you care about. Right now I’m really sad about that.