Everyone says not to dwell on the dates. Look forward, not back. But it’s April now. And April will never be the same.
I still can’t believe he’s gone.
I happened to be looking through pictures from 2012 on my phone and suddenly I really missed him. Just a deep sadness that he’s not here. It happens before I realize it. Unconsciously. And I’m not always sure what triggers it. I wasn’t even looking at a picture of him. Just pictures of the girls, growing up. And I just miss sharing that with him.
Has it really been almost two years?
Yesterday I noticed that a pair of shoes was really looking worn out and then I realized that I bought them after he was gone. How has it been long enough for me to wear out a pair of shoes?
So much has changed yet it seems like just yesterday. What I want more than anything is to have just a few more minutes with him. If I’m being honest, I’d prefer a lifetime with him but I’m not greedy so I would take just a couple of minutes. I just always want to talk to him one more time and let him know that I never realized what a truly wonderful life we had until it was taken away. As painful as it is, even when I feel deep sadness I feel equal amounts of deep gratitude. I am so grateful that he was in my life.
There’s this feeling you get, when something really great happens, and you just want to share it with someone, usually a specific someone. That’s the feeling I get when I look at pictures of the girls growing up. And I did get to share it with him! But there are still great memories happening and he’s not here for them.
I don’t want to be weepy all month. Next Friday is his 51st birthday. The week after is the two year date. I have the days planned out to stay busy. I will celebrate his life and acknowledge his absence. And I’ll keep moving forward. It’s been 102 weeks and I still can’t believe he is gone. That is all.
I love you my sweet baby girl. Hang in there, I am praying. Momma
Danel I don’t know you, but as I’ve read this blog and followed your journey I want to thank you for sharing this. It’s so easy to take the people we love for granted, and this reminds me never to let a single day pass without telling the people I love what they mean to me. None of us are promised tomorrow, yet somehow we never really believe we will run out of time. My heart breaks for your loss and though there are no words I could express that could give you comfort, know that your story has meaning to people outside your inner circle. Your’s and Patrick’s love story has both inspired and made me, a total stranger, rethink some priorities. Thank you again for inviting me along with you. I will keep praying for strength and healing for you and your girls.