Everyone says not to dwell on the dates. Look forward, not back. But it’s April now. And April will never be the same.
I still can’t believe he’s gone.
I happened to be looking through pictures from 2012 on my phone and suddenly I really missed him. Just a deep sadness that he’s not here. It happens before I realize it. Unconsciously. And I’m not always sure what triggers it. I wasn’t even looking at a picture of him. Just pictures of the girls, growing up. And I just miss sharing that with him.
Has it really been almost two years?
Yesterday I noticed that a pair of shoes was really looking worn out and then I realized that I bought them after he was gone. How has it been long enough for me to wear out a pair of shoes?
So much has changed yet it seems like just yesterday. What I want more than anything is to have just a few more minutes with him. If I’m being honest, I’d prefer a lifetime with him but I’m not greedy so I would take just a couple of minutes. I just always want to talk to him one more time and let him know that I never realized what a truly wonderful life we had until it was taken away. As painful as it is, even when I feel deep sadness I feel equal amounts of deep gratitude. I am so grateful that he was in my life.
There’s this feeling you get, when something really great happens, and you just want to share it with someone, usually a specific someone. That’s the feeling I get when I look at pictures of the girls growing up. And I did get to share it with him! But there are still great memories happening and he’s not here for them.
I don’t want to be weepy all month. Next Friday is his 51st birthday. The week after is the two year date. I have the days planned out to stay busy. I will celebrate his life and acknowledge his absence. And I’ll keep moving forward. It’s been 102 weeks and I still can’t believe he is gone. That is all.