It’s ok to not be ok

Tonight I went to a town hall meeting on Teenage Suicide Prevention. I went primarily because my sister, Dawan, was part of the panel but also because I am interested in learning more about suicide prevention. What surprised me the most was that the people who had the most to say, and made the biggest impact, were not mental health clinicians. All five people on the panel participate in Fresno Cares, the Fresno County Suicide Prevention Collaborative. They were all passionate people who are definitely making a difference in our community yet only one of them had a mental health related degree. They all had passion, heart, and the desire to make a difference. I was particularly impressed by Jordan, a student panelist from Clovis West. She was a very eloquent speaker!

They talked about resources available and things you can do to help prevention efforts. One of the biggest things was to make it an easier topic to discuss so teens are comfortable approaching someone for help. I have been very open about my struggles with depression so I am definitely an advocate for that. But I realized there is no way I would have ever told anyone if I was having suicidal thoughts because I wouldn’t want to freak them out. And I have never seriously contemplated suicide but I have definitely had times when it has been on my radar.

When I was 17 I had my first major heartbreak when I was dumped by my boyfriend. I was raised to believe that premarital sex was wrong but nevertheless it had happened. And then he dumped me. I thought I was going to die. I was living with my mom at the time and, sorry Mom, but it just wasn’t a conversation I could have with you while living with you. I talked to my cousin Casie and that helped and I also called my dad, who immediately drove over from the coast to meet me at a coffee shop. I couldn’t tell you exactly what was discussed but I’m sure he conveyed his unconditional love, which was the same thing my mom would have done. I reached out and the people I reached out to were available for me.

It’s not always comfortable talking to the logical people who are right there beside you. So, if you are a parent, make sure your kids understand that 1) they have your unconditional love and 2) it’s okay if they need to talk to someone else. My girls know that if there is anything too awkward to discuss with Mom, they can talk to Aunt Denise or any of their other aunts.

After Patrick died, suicide was definitely on my radar. I couldn’t contemplate going on without him. But I knew I had to make a plan to get through this because there was no way my kids were losing another parent. I didn’t seriously consider suicide because my life had meaning and purpose. I was determined to honor Patrick’s memory and to continue being there for my daughters. I never discussed this with anyone because it was never really a serious thought. Plus, I had a ton of people supporting me and still do. I knew I mattered to them and that also gave me purpose.

My point in sharing all of this uncomfortable information is that we need to destigmatize mental health and suicide. People need to be comfortable asking for help. I have always been fortunate to have a large, supportive family. For those who don’t, there are people in this community who have made it their life’s work to help others. You are never alone!

Huge shout out to my sister, Dawan Utecht, who is making a tremendous difference in our community as the head of Fresno County Behavioral Health!

Please join the conversation by sharing your own personal struggles in the comments here on WordPress or on my Facebook page!

If you or someone in your life needs someone to talk to, there are resources available.

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

Suicide is Preventable Resources

National Alliance on Mental Illness – Fresno Resources and advocacy