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More adventures in online dating

If you are hoping for details about actual dates, sorry to disappoint you. My online dating experience has been mainly online, actual encounters with real people have been rare. In fact, lately, I have been on the dating sites mainly to have a good laugh! As a community service, I have decided to review a few more sites and give you some tips on identifying the fake profiles. Along the way, I will present my top 10 dating profiles. I’m including original grammar, spelling, and punctuation.

#10 – I am a classy and fun Man who takes pride in his family and self. He is the light of my life.

According to the Pew research center, 1 in 10 Americans has used some form of online dating. For those that participate in online dating, approximately 25% find a spouse or partner. I was surprised to learn that the National Academy of Sciences determined that “marriages that began online, when compared with those that began with traditional offline venues, were slightly less likely to result in a marital breakup (separation or divorce)”.

#9 – I’m a single father with my two little twins who lives with her nanny

Since so many people use online dating services, I expected that it would be fairly easy to meet people. For some reason, this was a little easier at first. Part of the reason that it is harder now is that I seem to find the same group of men, who are on the same multiple dating sites. I’ve either screened them out or they’ve screened me out. The main reason I am having so much trouble is that it is extremely difficult to find real men among all of the fake profiles! I suspect that there are more of them who are focusing on my demographic, the middle-aged widow. Keeping this in mind I am very cautious and suspicious.

#8 – I’m calm and down to earth and a well calculated am here to meet new people around the world.text if you look just good. I’m a licensed trader and into freelancing….there are lots you sure need to know about me

Since my last online dating review, I’ve tried a few new apps. For security purposes, I pay for a service called Been Verified. I need to have a real name or phone number for it to work and it doesn’t always work but it has been fairly reliable. If I can pull someone up I know they are real. I’m sure these guys would be a little creeped out by this but I need to play it safe. I also pay for Lifelock and I think it works pretty well because I can’t pull myself up on the app!

#7 – I’m cool gentle and humble man I hate lies and cheating I’m old enough to play games, I’m for real relationship. My job I’m a business man, My Company is primarily involved in the developing and processing of Rare Earth materials in the High purity sector.

Another app I have downloaded is kik. It’s a messaging service and I think a lot of the scammers use it. Apparently, it is used for human trafficking too so make sure your teenagers are not using it. I use it if I am suspicious as it is an easier way to message and I don’t have to give out my phone number. You can also download burner apps that will give you a fake phone number to use for texting.

#6 – I’m a man who loves her family.

I finally caved and downloaded Tinder. The reason I did is that you log in through Facebook and it will show you if you have mutual friends. This has helped identify a few real people but most of the profiles I find on Tinder do not have any mutual friends. I have stayed on Tinder mainly to collect hilarious profiles! I know a lot of people meet on Tinder so I think it must just be that the scammers are targeting my demographic.

#5 – Profile name: Phil_Magroin

I also tried Elite Singles. It has been a total dud. Most of the profiles don’t have pictures and there are very few local people. There may be fewer scammers but I normally don’t interact with profiles without pictures unless they are really interesting or funny.

#4 – Am a man of integrity and I respect my pride.

Let’s talk about pictures. I hate to be totally focused on appearances. The guys I have met all looked even better in person. And many of the guys don’t smile in pictures. I think if I were around someone a lot and got to know their personality I might be attracted to them for that. Intellect and sense of humor are also qualities that I look for. And I have talked to a few guys with no pictures. When they finally shared their picture I was just not attracted at all and that is really awkward. So a picture is preferred.

#3 – Am just a man that wants a woman that has a good sense of human and am a man that can make a woman enjoy everything she desire…But am a man with respect and I like talking dirty am also that type that like to be told the truth and I hate cheating, confusion and fake life

As you can tell from my top ten list, these fake profiles are fairly easy to spot. But there are so many of them so there have to be people falling victim to them. I decided to investigate and a lot of the scams originate in Nigeria. There are also other places but Nigeria has the worst reputation for this. They establish a relationship with the victim and then there is usually some kind of crisis where they need money. Or maybe they are trying to meet and need money for a plane ticket. A few times I have communicated for a bit with them but I usually give myself away. The closest I have come to being scammed was one guy who asked if I could buy him an iTunes card. I said no of course!

#2 – From a 22-year-old: Will you marry me? I can provide you with free medical and dental; lol

Aside from the poor grammar the other way I identify the scammers is by their profession. Most of the time they say they are in the military. They probably have no idea that there are very few active duty military around here, and certainly not generals. Some say they work for the United Nations. Then there are engineers, contractors, and doctors. They also seem to randomly select cities. I see a lot who will put the name of a city that might be on the map but has a very small population. Or the city doesn’t match the occupation. I don’t think there are very many United Nations employees living in small California farm towns!

#1 – I’ve a great sense of humor, no games and I don’t hit my woman

I don’t know why but that profile just really made me laugh! I didn’t include Jesus on here but, yes, Jesus loves me and this I know because he swiped right on Tinder. And he had a very recognizable picture! I hope that this has entertained and informed you. I have one last list…top 5 online interactions I’ve had. The last 3 I copied the conversations to give you the full picture. Enjoy!

#5 – Standard greeting from more than one person – “I will like to know you better”

#4 – your lips is adorable because the smiling on you bring out the real beauty in you

#3 – Counselors are equivalent to surgeons????

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#2 – I’ve decided to start playing along, I usually can’t stay serious for long though!

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#1 – This one blocked me shortly after the last message you see. I didn’t get a chance to copy the last interaction. He asked how the kids were and I said I kicked them out because they were eating too much. And he finally figured out that I wasn’t serious! LOL

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It’s ok to not be ok

Tonight I went to a town hall meeting on Teenage Suicide Prevention. I went primarily because my sister, Dawan, was part of the panel but also because I am interested in learning more about suicide prevention. What surprised me the most was that the people who had the most to say, and made the biggest impact, were not mental health clinicians. All five people on the panel participate in Fresno Cares, the Fresno County Suicide Prevention Collaborative. They were all passionate people who are definitely making a difference in our community yet only one of them had a mental health related degree. They all had passion, heart, and the desire to make a difference. I was particularly impressed by Jordan, a student panelist from Clovis West. She was a very eloquent speaker!

They talked about resources available and things you can do to help prevention efforts. One of the biggest things was to make it an easier topic to discuss so teens are comfortable approaching someone for help. I have been very open about my struggles with depression so I am definitely an advocate for that. But I realized there is no way I would have ever told anyone if I was having suicidal thoughts because I wouldn’t want to freak them out. And I have never seriously contemplated suicide but I have definitely had times when it has been on my radar.

When I was 17 I had my first major heartbreak when I was dumped by my boyfriend. I was raised to believe that premarital sex was wrong but nevertheless it had happened. And then he dumped me. I thought I was going to die. I was living with my mom at the time and, sorry Mom, but it just wasn’t a conversation I could have with you while living with you. I talked to my cousin Casie and that helped and I also called my dad, who immediately drove over from the coast to meet me at a coffee shop. I couldn’t tell you exactly what was discussed but I’m sure he conveyed his unconditional love, which was the same thing my mom would have done. I reached out and the people I reached out to were available for me.

It’s not always comfortable talking to the logical people who are right there beside you. So, if you are a parent, make sure your kids understand that 1) they have your unconditional love and 2) it’s okay if they need to talk to someone else. My girls know that if there is anything too awkward to discuss with Mom, they can talk to Aunt Denise or any of their other aunts.

After Patrick died, suicide was definitely on my radar. I couldn’t contemplate going on without him. But I knew I had to make a plan to get through this because there was no way my kids were losing another parent. I didn’t seriously consider suicide because my life had meaning and purpose. I was determined to honor Patrick’s memory and to continue being there for my daughters. I never discussed this with anyone because it was never really a serious thought. Plus, I had a ton of people supporting me and still do. I knew I mattered to them and that also gave me purpose.

My point in sharing all of this uncomfortable information is that we need to destigmatize mental health and suicide. People need to be comfortable asking for help. I have always been fortunate to have a large, supportive family. For those who don’t, there are people in this community who have made it their life’s work to help others. You are never alone!

Huge shout out to my sister, Dawan Utecht, who is making a tremendous difference in our community as the head of Fresno County Behavioral Health!

Please join the conversation by sharing your own personal struggles in the comments here on WordPress or on my Facebook page!

If you or someone in your life needs someone to talk to, there are resources available.

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

Suicide is Preventable Resources

National Alliance on Mental Illness – Fresno Resources and advocacy

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Gone Too Soon 💔

I have said it so many times. Life is precious. Don’t ever take it for granted. Tell the people you care about how much they mean to you. Often. And if you’re thinking about reaching out to someone, do it!

My current class is Human Growth & Development. During the second week we were studying attachment theory and the importance of infants bonding with their primary caregiver(s). One of our discussion questions talked about children being in daycare and we had to research whether or not it was detrimental for infants to be in daycare.

Every parent struggles with this. As new parents you worry about every little sound your child makes and you want to protect them from the world. The research shows that children can do well in daycare as long as they develop a relationship of love and trust with the caregiver.

Patrick and I were so fortunate to find someone like this. My mother met Jan at church. She and her daughter Kim ran a daycare out of their home. We met with them while I was pregnant and we knew Sierra would be in good hands. At eight weeks old I dropped her off with Nanny and Kimmie and they watched her until she turned four. Camille joined her when she was born and stayed there for 18 months or so.

I spent very little time worrying about the girls being in daycare. I knew that they were not just taken care of, they were loved. Sierra stayed with Nanny and Kimmie the night before Camille was born and they may have even brought her to the hospital to meet her sister.

When we moved Camille to preschool, Dawan offered Kimmie a position as her in home nanny. We were sad to leave but very excited that we would still see Kim. She has been a part of our family since then, over 21 years total!

I remembered all of this as I wrote my discussion post on February 26th. I was so happy getting affirmation that I had been ok to leave them there. I thought to myself that I really should tell them how grateful I was. I definitely planned to do that!

The very next night Dawan texted us to say that Kimmie had a medical emergency and was unable to be revived. She died suddenly at the age of 43. I was in shock that yet another person I know is gone before their time.

Today we went to her Celebration of Life and it was amazing how many people she had touched! She was just one of those happy people that everyone loved. And I know she knew she was appreciated by Dawan and our entire family. My heart is broken for her mom, her sister Suzanne, her dad and her 4-yr-old daughter, Bella, whom she adopted. I know she is in a better place but everyone wishes it didn’t have to be so soon!

So, hug the people you love, do a kind deed, let people know you appreciate them. Life is short.