My heart is a little broken

I have never been one to put personal drama on Facebook so it’s kind of ironic that my blog gets so personal. I stand behind my commitment to keep this raw and real so here goes… my heart has been broken. I realize it was pretty fragile to begin with and that I am a little dramatic, but right now there’s a new scar.

I’m sure this probably won’t be the last time my heart is broken either. And, to be fair, it wasn’t anything major or dramatic. I’m not even 100% sure that it is completely over. This uncertainty makes me feel like a teenager, but dating in 2018 is very hard to grasp. It can be very impersonal at times and I feel like I am not very good at it.

I’ve mentioned that every dating setback kind of opens up a wound for me. This isn’t really fair to anyone I’m dating but it’s part of my baggage. I’m alone because I was widowed. When things don’t work out with someone I’m dating, I am always reminded that I wouldn’t be going through this if THAT had not happened.

I also tend to question whether I should even hope to be lucky in love again. I experienced great love. Do you get that more than once?

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic and I still am. And, just like I want to repay the acts of kindness that were done for me, it makes me happy that I might be able to give another guy the opportunity to experience the love that I did. I think I am pretty good at relationships. Most recent guy might disagree but he never really got to experience that. I think I could make the right guy very, very happy.

I even question how I react to difficult dating situations because, if I feel I am experiencing hurt or rejection, I start getting behind my protective barriers that got me through losing Patrick. This experience is allowing me to learn a lot about myself and hopefully I won’t make the same mistakes again.

Part of me just wants to burrow under the covers in my bed and live the rest of my life with the happy memories of my marriage. But that’s not really living, is it? So, I will put myself out there again, be a little vulnerable and see what happens. As I always say, I’ve already experienced the worst thing that could happen to me so what could it hurt?